Real programmers.....
Real programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky
to get any programs at all and take what they get.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to read.
Real programmers don't write application programs, they program right down
on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems
programming.
Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to
spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
it did for them.
Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark
of the novice and the coward.
Real programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you
throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a few
30-hours debugging sessions.
Real programmers don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who
wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get
excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real programmers don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application
programmers.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
9 am, it's because they were up all night.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read
the listings or the object deck.
Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any of those
pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak
memories.
Real programmers know better than the users what they need.
Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.
Real programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies.
Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.
Real programmers think better when playing adventure.
Real programmers don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who
can't choose between COBOL and Fortran.
Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on
one line.
Real programmers don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more
parentheses than actual code.
Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is
for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and
carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
Real programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course, they are the Chief Programmer.
Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
planners and other mental defectives.
Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
Real programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs,
Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly
regarded.
Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real programmers ignore schedules.
Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can
tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.
Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all
in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to
address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise
such petty restrictions.
Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending
machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night).
Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes.
Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch [9].
A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does,
however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.
Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at
three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.
by Julio Mendonca Santos
