JAMIE POLLOCK ‘THIRD MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON OF LAST 2000 YEARS'
JAMIE POLLOCK of newly-relegated Manchester City, is currently running third in a poll to name the most influential figure of the last 2000 years. The survey is being held on the internet site of the Eiffel Tower, which will be the centre for France's Millenium celebrations.
Pollock is currently ahead of such figures as Nelson Mandela (29th), Sir Isaac Newton and Mozart (joint 24th), Sigmund Freud and Ghandi (joint 17th), Martin Luther King (14th), Leonardo da Vinci (13th) and Albert Einstein (8th). Controversially, the former Middlesbrough and Bolton hard man has polled over four times as many votes as Jesus (5th).
The inclusion of City's captain is believed to be a result of block voting by fans of QPR, who would have dropped to Division Two instead of the Maine Road club had it not been for Pollock's amazing own goal in the game between the clubs in the season's penultimate week. He still has some way to go in the voting, though, before he can catch up with the two most important figures in world history over the last two millennia, Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails lead singer Trent Reznor.

'WHAT WORLD CUP?' ASKS ERIC
OH ERIC, we've missed you. The erstwhile King Of Salford has lost none of his enigmatic charms since abdicating, as visitors to a press conference launching a professional beach football tour will attest. Journalists were warned not to ask our Eric about the other big football event happening that summer, but when one plucked up the courage, he was given this reply, What World Cup? Not quite seagulls and trawlers, but not half bad.
Incidentally, he was a slightly more erudite Eric when posed the question that everyone wanted to hear about. I find beach football very exciting, said Cantona, because the ball is kept in the air much longer. So that's that sorted out, then.

VOTE FOR TINO!
AND while we're on the subject of charismatic foreigners no longer plying their trades in English football, who's this sober fellow backing independent candidate Noemi Sanin for the Colombian presidency? None other than that learned political figure, Faustino Asprilla. Tino is currently appearing on TV adverts urging voters to back the former foreign minister, and gets to deliver the fantastic slogan She's brilliant.
Sadly, however, Asprilla's late entry into the campaign appears to be having the same effect as his signature did on Newcastle's Premiership chances. Sanin has just slipped to 10% in the polls, way behind Conservative Party front-runner Andres Pastrana on 39% and ruling Liberal Party candidate Horacio Serpa on 34%.

CAUGHT IN THE WEB
IN THE entrepreneurial spirit of that bloke who registered the trademark ‘21st Century Fox' before Rupert Murdoch could and supposedly became Very Rich Indeed, one Brian Pead has registered website addresses involving the names of 17 Premiership clubs. And since each one incurs a £100 set fee and charges of £40 a month, he's not unreasonably offered to sell them back to the teams involved for £95,000 each.
Sadly, the result has not been an instant £1.6m for this undoubtedly clever fellow. Instead, he's being taken to court by the clubs, who just might be tempted to wrap him up in legal red tape and persuade him to never do this kind of thing again.

ROBSON'S CHOICE
SINCE it's been all of five minutes since he bought Paul Gascoigne, Middlesbrough's money (ever wondered where it all comes from? So have we…) is beginning to burn a hole in Bryan Robson's pocket. Hence next week he's planning to step up attempts to prise winger Kevin Kilbane from West Brom (about £3.5m would do it, no matter what manager Denis Smith says publicly), Gary Pallister from Manchester United and Dion Dublin from Coventry. We understand there are also several foreign players on Robbo's shopping list but chairman Steve Gibson, mindful of his manager's hit-and-miss record with those from overseas, is urging him to keep his powder dry for a while.

*No matter how drunk you get watching us lose to Saudi Arabia this afternoon, don't forget to watch BBC2 at 9.50pm.