IT DOESN'T ADD UP FOR KINKLADZE
GEORGI KINKLADZE'S maths are clearly as good as his driving. The former Manchester City midfielder, fined £2500 this week over the high-speed car chase which nearly killed him, hit out at Maine Road manager Joe Royle in yesterday's papers, saying: When every point was like gold, Royle wouldn't play me. I missed seven games and we lost them all.
Er, not quite. Kinkladze was actually dropped for six games, of which City won one, drew twice and lost three. But we're not suggesting that vindicates Royle in any way for leaving out the one man who could have saved City's season. His refusal to even include Kinkladze among the substitutes for the televised match at Middlesbrough was a shocker, especially since City spent nearly half the match labouring without inspiration against a clearly tired and disinterested Boro side already reduced to 10 men.
Royle's latest bit of inspiration is to admit he was wrong to leave leading scorer Paul Dickov on the bench during the disastrous run-in that sent City into Division Two. The problem is there are so many players in the squad, it is difficult to find the right 11, he explained helpfully. Dickov (amusingly nicknamed ‘Bobbit' by City fans) is now likely to play just behind strikers Lee Bradbury and Shaun Goater next season.

IS DWIGHT REALLY RIGHT FOR UNITED?
SO THE deposed champions want Dwight Yorke. Now Yorke is undoubtedly a fine player, and would no doubt thrive even more with the kind of service he'd receive from the likes of David Beckham and Ryan Giggs. But he's not exactly the kind of player United fans expected they'd be signing this close-season, is he?
Only a few weeks ago, Alex Ferguson was admitting that United had to spend big money if they wanted to convince anyone outside their marketing department that they really are the biggest club in Europe. The signing of Jaap Stam for a record £10.5m certainly seemed to suggest that the board had listened to his thinly-veiled threats and there was the promise of more to follow soon.
Since then, however, nothing. It now appears that United won't match Lens' £6m valuation of Cameroon midfielder Marc-Vivien Foe and can't come up with the personal terms to satisfy Fiorentina's Gabriel Batistuta, either. We also hear that United had meetings with Paris Saint Germain's Marco Simone before the striker signed a recent contract extension.
So Yorke it'll have to be, then - provided a large wedge can persuade Aston Villa to let him go. Let's hope he works out a little better than Ferguson's big signings from the domestic game in the last close-season Teddy Sheringham and Henning Berg, both of whom are not long for Old Trafford.

'COME IN CARMINE' SAY SPURS
WHILE United keep failing to land the big fish, rebuilding Tottenham are following the transfer policy that has brought such success to rivals Arsenal stick to European players who aren't yet household names outside their own countries. Expect, therefore, Stuttgart's Murat Yakin to replace the disappointing Nicola Berti in midfield, while Empoli striker Carmine Esposito joins Chris Armstrong up front.

OWLS MAKE PLANS FOR NIGEL
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY fans already feeling dizzy from this week's events had better prepare themselves for another shock… their new manager could be Nigel Spackman, former player/coach of despised neighbours Sheffield United. The ex-Chelsea, Liverpool and Rangers defender is likely to join Peter Shreeves and Nigel Pearson as part of a new management team if Wednesday can't attract a big name to Hillsborough.
Meanwhile, Kevin Pressman says he is disappointed and surprised that deposed Ron Atkinson is partly blaming his dismissal on the keeper's last-minute blunder in the final game of the season which ended up costing the club £500,000 in Premiership place money. Good for you, Kevin… everyone knows that Big Ron should carry the can for picking you in the first place.

'GOING ANYWHERE THIS SUMMER, COLIN?'
COLIN HENDRY'S neighbours in the countryside around Blackburn aren't taking Scotland's World Cup challenge too seriously. Explains the Rovers captain: "I was out walking with the baby when I bumped into a neighbour who asked me what I was doing. When I told him I had been training he looked stunned and said: 'What for, like? I thought the season was finished'. I had to tell him we had a couple of games this summer!

EGIL LANDING AT CELTIC?
THE HOT tip to become Celtic's new manager is Norway coach Egil Olsen, whose side are ironically in Scotland's World Cup group. But even if you think the robust style of a man claimed by Football365 publishing director Danny Kelly to be a Marxist-Leninist would suit the Scottish champions, he's not going to do a lot for short-term stability at Celtic Park. Olsen has already said that he won't consider taking the job until the end of the World Cup.
If the Bhoys get fed up of waiting, they'll turn to Rosenborg coach Nils Arne Eggen, who Liverpool were going to name as Roy ‘Third In The Table' Evans' replacement before chairman David Moores had a sudden attack of loyalty to his old friend.

'LARGE SHISH TO GO, HOLD THE SALAD'
EVERYONE knows that you won't find kebabs listed as health food but just how bad are they for you? Sports nutritionist Sue Ready has come up with some advice for Paul Gascoigne which probably applies as much to the fans as the players, bearing in mind the huge amount of takeaway food The Knowledge consumed during Euro 96. Here's the bad news, for Gazza and us...
Kebabs They may contain salad but certainly aren't health food. The pitta bread is good, the red cabbage and lettuce are fine as long as they are freshly chopped, but the meat is likely to be reconstituted, ie full of dehydrating additives and flavour enhancers. The onions can cause indigestion, and the curry sauce and mayonnaise are packed with calories.
Burgers Even worse than kebabs off the scale in comparison.
Curries Nope.
Fish and chips Still no joy.
Chinese Eureka! As long as you stick to egg-fried rice or noodles.
The ideal Five portions of fresh fruit and vegetables, as well as plenty of bread, pasta, rice and baked potatoes to build up the carbohydrate intake. Drink at least a litre of water and isotonic fluids a day. And no beer.

AT HIS WICK'S END
MADDEST fan of the World Cup looks likely to be Romanian Petre Ciobanu. The 67-year-old recently lit 10,000 candles in his local church in an attempt to persuade God to look after his team, and is planning to spend the campaign in France dressed as either Napoleon, Charlie Chaplin or ‘Pacala', a traditional Romanian clown. I'm taking all the costumes with me just in case," he says. Sensible man.