Carpe diem, vita brevis.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? 
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up cash machines?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic." 
It is possible to believe that all the past is but the beginning of a beginning, and that all that is and has been is but the twilight of the dawn.
Life is champagne in a paper cup.
You can be Muslim, you can be Jew, but you can never have enough lilt.
Why aren't planes made out of the same material as the black box?
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
When you ring a wrong number, why is it never engaged?
Only dead fish go with the current.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Nothing disapears without a trace.
Don't accept life, fight it to the death.
Besides from your misery, what's to lose?
There's only one way of life, and that's your own.
Birds swim south for the winter?  How do they breathe?
There is no reality, only life.
Anyone who can appease a man's conscience can take his freedom from him.
There are forces in this world we can't even begin to comprehend.
It's because I'm different isn't it?  Why can't I be like everyone else?
The sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon into blood.
Imagine going through your whole life looking like this.
You never know where the truth ends and the humbug begins.
Suggestion is a powerful force.  The science of hypnosis is predicated on it.
People don't normally just catch on fire.
You want me to inject this into my heart?  Are you fucking nuts!?
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. 
Most people don't live, most people just exist - That's all.
Those who fear life are already three parts dead.
The human mind is like an umbrella, it works best when open.
Carpe diem, vita brevis.
When I die I'll go to heaven because I've served my time in hell.