

Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked. 



If a ram is a sheep, and an ass is a donkey, why is a ram in the ass a goose? 



Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? 



If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? 



If you melt a pool full of dry ice, can you swim in it without getting wet? 



If Barbie is so dang popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends? 



Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? 



Why isn't Phonetic spelled the way it sounds? 



Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? 



Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instad of parachutes? 



Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? 



Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? 



Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 



How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 



If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 



If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 



If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? 



If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? 



If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? 



Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? 



Why is it that when you transport something by car, It's called a shipment, but when you transport
something by ship, It's called cargo? 



You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, Why can't they make the
whole plane out of the same substance? 



Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume on the
radio? 



Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick. 



Three boys are standing around talking about their fathers, trying to one-up eachother. The first
says to the others, "My dad is so fast, he can shoot an arrow on one side of a field, run to the
other side and set up a target in time for it to hit!"

One of the other boys replies, "That's nothing. My dad can shoot a bullet and run to the other side
of the field and set up the target in time for it to hit!"

The third boy retorts smugly, "You guys are feeble. My dad works for the government and he is
so fast that he can get off at 5:00 and be home at 2:00!" 



Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It was stapled to the chicken's back! 



Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can
trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.




One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together
in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started
to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers!
Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist
workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan
exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy,"
and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your
fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son.
You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant
scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." 





This guy is sitting in a bar getting really drunk. The bar is on the top floor of a hotel. After a while,
he goes to the window, opens it, and throws himself out. Shocked, two other patrons run to the
window and watch in horror as the drunk plummets toward the pavement below. 

Then, miraculously, the man is swept up an instant before hitting the sidewalk, and seems to fly
right back up and in through the open window. Amazed, the patrons ask if he can do that again.
He complies, gladly. 

When he returns the second time, they ask how he did that. "Simple," he said, slurring his words
badly. "There's an air vent down there, and just before you hit the pavement, the gush of air lifts
you right back up. You guys should try it." Skeptical, but daring, the two race toward the open
window, plummet to earth, and are squashed instantly like bugs on the street. 

The drunk returns to the bar and, giggling, orders another scotch. As the bartender serves the
drinks, he says to the man, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!" 



Q: How many guys do you need for a Mafia funeral? 
A: One pallbearer to slam the trunk. 



Q: How do you catch an elephant?
A: First, you dig a big hole and fill it wish wood ash. Second you take a bunch of peas and line
them up around the hole. Then, when an elephant comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the
ash-hole! 


There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness,
faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. 

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm
embrace. 

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your
life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are
granted free access to all parts of heaven." 

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any
heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." 

"Is there anything which your holiness desires?" 

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled
and confounded theologians through the ages. 

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the
prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories
over time." 

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve
the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's
relationship with God. 

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the
Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a
parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!" 