-- BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MODEMING IS NOT RESERVED FOR DORKS ALONE --


        First of all, if you are reading this and have any doubts
        whatsoever to the above-stated fact, you

                (A) Have no self esteem and no problem labeling 
                    yourself as a pathetic, worthless, hemoroid 
                    on the ass of society.

                (B) Are a hypocrite (and consequently fall under 
                    choice A as well).

                (C) Are not a modemer and most likely are someone 
                    who uses terms like "surf the net" with complete 
                    seriousness.  You have most likely come upon this 
                    article by some freak chance in one of your 
                    roadtrips on the "information superhighway" and 
                    are best advised to use your little user-friendly 
                    mouse to drag some cutsie little icon to a little 
                    fucking trash-can (because you are almost certainly 
                    a Crapintosh user) and forget you ever saw this.

                (D) Are one of the soon-to-be-mentioned exceptions.

        Now, if you did not fall in to one of those catagories, then you
        are probably something like myself:  A modemer with a life outside
        of the medium we, as modemers, occupy -- That being the medium of 
        <insert cheesy cyber-esque word here.  Ex: "cyberspace">.

        Sadly, there are those of you who gasped or even cringed when I 
        said the "L" word.  Life.  Yes, believe it or not, there are those
        of us (modemers) who have lives.  In fact, I have this off-the-wall
        theory that the majority of us DO have lives.  Despite the popular
        belief that all modemers are inherrently zit-picking, dateless, 
        jobless, lifeless, losers, I honestly think that those who are true
        this harsh stereotype are in the minority.

        First off, some would argue that I don't have the slightest fucking
        clue as to what these people are really like because I have never
        been to a meet of any sort.  Well, this may be true.  But I certainly
        know what I am like, and I have met a number of modemers in person
        (though never at a full-blown "meet"), so I have at least had some
        exposure to the "real" people.  Of the modemers I have met in person
        (Johnny Chaos [actually a fairly good friend of mine], Ramius, 
        Alpha One [both fellow employees at CompUSA], Sventech, and a few
        others) not a single one of them is a lifeless loser; and I myself
        am anything but that.

        It really doesn't matter what I have to say about this.  If you are
        a loser (as described previously) then you may rest assured that you 
        have proven me wrong.  Well done.  If, however, you claim that you 
        KNOW of a modemer who is a loser, well, that doesn't hold much water.
        Why not?  Well, how many people could point to you and say, "That
        dork has no life."  A lot.  Hundreds.  Yet you insist that you do
        have a life!  Guess what, so does the guy who you are claiming is a
        loser.

        That last bit may have sounded a bit moralistic, but if you've read
        this far you

                (A) Are a fan of mine and were waiting for the all along.

                (B) Are a fan of mine and skipped ahead to that part.

                (C) Have no problem with it because you knew it was
                    coming.

                (D) Didn't even notice it because you are so incredibly
                    dense (but, hey, at least you have a life!).

        If you fall under A or B, then you deserve some kind of prize.  If
        C was your choice, then you should learn to pick A in the future.
        If you picked D (or D picked you), then you should get a clue and 
        read this article again when the drugs wear-off.

        So, in closing, I'd like to say this:

        I have a life (and it's going fairly well right now, thanks for
        asking).  And unless you'd like to argue, I would have to say that
        you, as a modemer, do too.  So when you're exchanging posts with
        JOE-DICKLESS and he gets on your case; just ask HIM if HE has a life.  
        If he says "Yes", laugh in his ugly little hypocritical face.  If he 
        says "No", tell him not to be so hard on himself, or, tell him to take
        his no-life ass to some piece of shit PD board where some 40-year-old
        loser can offer a zit-scarred shoulder for him to cry on.

                                Thanks for you Time.


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