inbred magazine
                             confession of a bando
                                  -by pendola 
                
                i have a confession to make. i am a bando. i was born 
        with a defect, an ability which retards me in today's society.
        i can play a musical instrument, many at that, and play gay
        spirit songs at high school football games. many people think
        this is "special". every week i get to ride on the "special" 
        bus to play louie louie 40 or 50 times. this is not special,
        retarded. 
                teachers regard bando's as intelligent, the brightest 
        students in school, but this is all a front put up by the jerk-
        off administrators in an attempt go gain funding for a special
        olympics team. we have the minds of chimps. not even as smart as
        the chimps in "the planet of the apes", but primitive chimps.
        the ones you see at the zoo. we roll around, sniff each other's 
        asses, throw shit at each other. at lunch we throw food at each
        other, and run around, like retards, practicing for the olympics.
        much like orangutangs and slee-stak (although we aren't even 
        close to being as civilized as either), we run around in packs,
        howling, and screaming at each other in fits of anal rage. in 
        these packs, there are different levels of intellegence, and 
        superiority.
                the lowest form of intelligence in a bando pack are 
        the drummers. drummers tend to be the most savage, with their
        long hair, and crude tie-die shirts, they were the first bando's
        to evolve from the shmegpool of life. they picked up wooden sticks
        and whacked trees, rocks, dirt, each others heads, and genetalia.
        drummers never evolved much farther than that. the next level up
        on the bando social rope (i say rope because building a ladder 
        requires social skills to aquire the materials, and intelligence
        or at least common sense in building or setting it up) are the 
        winds. winds, also called woodwinds because of the perverce things
        which they do with wood (see sodomy footnote). winds get their 
        proper names for two reasons. the first being the fact that their
        heads are filled with wind (much like blonds). the seccond reason
        is that the sound which they make when passing gas is similar to 
        the sound of wind (again see sodomy footnote). the highest form
        of bando's are the brass players, which first appeared in the 
        bronze and brass ages. brass players forged their instruments 
        out of metal (hence "brass", & i thought bando's were dumb). the
        strongest of the brass were the tubas. many compliments are given
        to tuba players on their endurance, strength, and massive size of
        their instruments. tuba players are the highest of the bandos,
        and are generally full of hot air.
                the leader of the bando pack is called the drum major.
        the drum major, if he is a woodwind himself he is called 
        major woody (again see sodomy footnote), is a special breed.
        he is the religous, and political leader of the tribe. in order
        to assume "the position", the drum major, known heretoforth as
        "chimp elect", must pass a barrage of tests. the first is a test
        of power. the chimp elect must let out a wild scream, a call of 
        chimphood if you will, to demand respect from the other bandos.
        to attain this scream many times the chimp elect will insert his
        stick, many times, the size of a telephone pole, up his rectum.
        once the chimp elect has passed the first test, he must pass the
        next and most important test as being drum major. it is a test of
        strength, and control. each bando, including bando wenches (called
        flags, or drill team), must place their instument up the chimp elects
        asshole along with the chimps telephone pole. once the chimp has  
        proven his supreme anal retentiveness, he is analated (much like
        elevated, only more anally) to the position of head chimp. after
        chimps retire, or their assholes explode (the latter moreso than
        the sooner) chimps move on to homelessness and window washing.
                now that you have an understanding of bandos from my 
        confession, i hope you will show more compassion twards us, instead
        of kicking us in the skulls, and mutilating our genitalia. for 
        although we may seem weak, there is a secret clan of ninja bandos,
        trained in the arts of rolling and throwing shit with deadly 
        precision.
      

        * sodomy footnote:
                in the early begining of bando's, a small group evolved.
        surpassing bando's, chimps, and ordinary people. these beings
        became gods. the gods fought for power and one ultimately won.
        this gods name was TRENT, and his word was law. a lesser god by
        the name of michael jackson, was the god of bando's and little
        children (big children had already been taken up by willy billy 
        clinton and his marines, and gerbils were taken by richard gere).
        jackson tought the bando's and small children about showing respect,
        by telling them to "bow down before the one you serve, your going
        to get what you deserve." the bando's and children did this, and 
        while the bowed michael, along with chimps and other major woodies
        sodomized the masses using themselves, telephone poles, and a
        special forces team of ninja migit bowlers. TRENT, hearing about
        the atrocities, confronted jackson, who tried to settle out of
        court. TRENT, outraged by the bribe, bannished jackson to the
        wonderland ranch, a hell, where bad children and all bandos (just
        to separate the retards from entering heaven, all bandos go to
        hell...) go to spend eternity, burning with there god in sodomy.