FILENAME: FTE_002.TXT                           Front Toward Enemy
[---------------------]              -=Printed, Edited, And Copyrighted By =-        
[ Front  Toward Enemy ]                     The Fat Joint Corporation  
[         002         ]                        Founded Jan 1, 1995           
[_____________________]                         _________________          
  /\  Est.02/1995  /\                           

                            FTE Magazine Presents:
              "Jack Palance Walks Through The Green Door (Part 1)"
                          Written By Reaper Wildwood     

TFJCTFJTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJCTFJC

     
     "Unnnnggh!", grunted Paul Casker as he pushed open the blockaded doorway 
from his domain (otherwise ominously known as 'The Upstairs').
     "All I wanna do is find my can", he said aloud to himself. "It's gotta be 
down here, THEY ate all the popcorn already. I hope none of 'em are down 
here."
      As Paul Casker looked back at the barracaded door that he just used his
last breath on, he saw an extremely noticable sign taped to the wall.

            "DANGER! K E E P   O U T!!!  (jack palance is upstairs.)"

      "What the hell is this? They think I am Jack Palance. I can't understand 
it. I don't want to understand it. All I want is my popcorn can... and I think 
I'm gonna need a lightbulb while I am down here. I need a recharge after 
destroying their barracade."
       Just then something caught Paul/Jack's attention on his immediate 
right. He swiftly glanced towards the bathroom doorway in deft, Vietnam-like 
manner. "There it is", he muttered as he forgot the can altogether. He had 
spotted the 150-watt lightbulb in the bathroom light fixture. "Why do they 
always have such high wattage bulbs down here? ARE THEY FUCKING INSANE? 
BLAHAHAHA!!! BLAAAAAAA...."
     "WAIT!!! Damnit Paul, get a grip on yourself. Don't lose it again. Ok.. 
count to ten. 1... 2... screw this."
      As he prematurely ends his stress-count, Jack/Paul takes out his magic 
leather satchel and pulls out a little baggie. He walks toward the bathroom to 
retrieve his savior from the ceiling when he hears a strange bubbling, 
churning sound coming from the recesses of the restroom. He walks over towards 
the porcelin God, and carefully examines its contents. Inside he sees a 
yellowy-brown liquid chunky mess with a strange green and white growth on top 
of it, bearing some resemblence to a lily pad. As Jack gets his first 
nasal-inhale, he is sent reeling against the wall. He quickly slams the lid 
shut, and lights up a Pall Mall non-filter. As he rejoices in the 
incredible relief brought to him yet again by the cancer stick, he remembers
his original reason for entering this hellhole of a bathroom, and realizes why 
they put a sign on the bathroom door that reads "MEN".  
     Feeling like a true man, Jack reaches for the lightbulb in the ceiling
fixture. As he is stretching himself to the limit in order to get a grip on 
the bulb, he feels his feet start to go out from under him. He flails his arms 
about in a vain attempt to stop his fall, but it is too late. As he hits the 
floor, the lightbulb in his hand strikes against the sink, shattering it 
everywhere. Then out of the corner of his eye, Jack thinks he sees something 
or someone moving out in the room. He steps out into the room and looks 
around, only to see nothing and no one. As he walks around the room, he 
examines the little one-page signs taped to the wall, all similar in design to 
the one about himself he had read earlier.
     'Certificate of Achievement for Jake Bailey. Excellence in PowerFlite
     Swinging.', reads Jack.
     "Jake Bailey... I kicked him off the property permanently! Why is he 
still here to receive awards? And WHY on earth did he get an award for 
swinging a baseball bat?", he thinks to himself. "One of these days I am just 
going to have to KILL that guy."
     Jack continues to examine the signs, and comes upon a peculiur sign
bearing the word 'PeNiS' at the top, then what appears to be a word of equal
length (most likely the same word, Jack thinks) in 3 different foreign 
languages. PeNiS. What is with their obsession with that word? They run 
through the streets screaming it at the top of their lungs. I wonder if it
brings on some kind of inner-enlightenment or something. I am definately going 
to have to try it at least once. And I am gonna have to do it right now!
     Jack then proceeds to yell the word 'PeNiS' at the top of his lungs, 
stretching out the 'e' and the 'i' sounds as he had heard them do many times
before. Then he started muttering "penispenispenispenispenispenis" under his
breath as he clenched his fists Cornholio-like.
     After being possessed by the power of the PeNiS, Jack resumed his 
observation of the room. He looks on the wall to the right of the PeNiS sign
and he sees 2 more signs. One says 'Certificate of Achievement for excellence
in Bong Toking, namely the 20 Tote Club. John Zukowski.' The other says 
'Congradulations Jamie Casker, you got a fuckin' legit job!' Too bad that 
legit job only lasted a week and a half for him, Jack thinks.
    
           T   O      B   E      C   O   N   T   I   N   U   E   D...

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