From csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!spool.mu.edu!uwm.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!caen!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news.cic.net!condor.ic.net!mistress!mistress.infinity Fri Nov 18 22:41:41 1994 Path: csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!spool.mu.edu!uwm.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!caen!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news.cic.net!condor.ic.net!mistress!mistress.infinity From: mistress.infinity@mistress.com (MISTRESS INFINITY) Newsgroups: alt.personals.bondage Subject: New Domina 1/7 Message-ID: <89DA3B6.00C9000155.uuout@mistress.com> Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 15:50:00 -0500 Organization: The Mistress Exchange, C.C.E.,Detroit, Mich. (313) 291-2976 Reply-To: mistress.infinity@mistress.com (MISTRESS INFINITY) X-Newsreader: PCBoard Version 15.2 X-Mailer: PCBoard/UUOUT Version 1.0 Lines: 77 FEMINA SOCIETY GUIDELINES FOR THE NEW DOMINA Dedicated to those Women who want more from the D/s lifestyle than a fling at a party. Like all one night stands, that leaves a person empty and unfulfilled. (Notes were compiled with the assistance of my slave girl, patty the pooch.) I get many letters from women who want to learn how to be dominant. They want to learn how to better control their husband. How to meet others in the D/s scene, or even go into it from the money angle. I have 20 years experience training slaves, primarily this has been in the training of male slaves, both on an hourly or live-in permanent basis. I also do comprehensive postal training, utilizing many techniques, specifically rituals of various sorts, immersion techniques, hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming. That's the technical side. But there's much more. I have met with wives along with their husbands and taught them techniques. I presently meet with various wives and they bring their slave-trainee husband with them. I use my slave girl as a demonstration tool. Myself and the new Domina trainee practice the techniques on both my slave girl and the person they bring with them. I enjoy teaching other women how to dominate and be dominant. Being dominant doesn't mean being mean and nasty, yelling and hitting all the time. There are those who interpret it that way. Being dominant means truly being in control of another human being in many ways, both physical and emotional. In fact, the psychological aspects of servitude are much much more important than the physical. Once you get into the slave's mind, then the rest comes easy. I have written many articles and stories about all these techniques. Some of the best you'll find are "Slave Etiquette," "Techniques of Servitude," "Lessons Learned with Ms. C.," and a new one called "Psychological Aspects of Servitude." As well as a variety of manuals available through the Femina Society. I do not train men how to dominate women. As a Female Supremacist, I do not believe in the concept. I do not believe in women submitting to the inferior sex, men. I do, however, feel that it is acceptable to one woman to submit to another woman. The new Domina can either train with an experienced slave, of course this becomes biased and in some cases the slave will end up controlling the Domina, which is not a satisfying arrangement for anyone. Or, learn from another Domina, either in person, through letters, consultations, correspondence, stories, articles, tapes, or the various manuals that are out. Now the D/s relationship can be varied. I like to break it down into three categories: o The professional Dominatrix. This woman trains males, sometimes females, on an hourly basis, for a fee. If she is a real Domina, she trains them in her fashion, to be submissive, to submit to her. If she is a play-actor, only doing it for the money, she lets him control the scene. Again, this is not very satisfying for the true submissive. o The second type of D/s relationship is when the wife, girlfriend or lover is dominant part of the time, as sexual foreplay. Or, more often, as a true Domina. This would make her the third of the D/s relationships: Humility is part of the D/s relationship. Three purposes are: o to exert power o to encourage submissiveness, and, o just for play. There are degrees of humility and with exploration you can find out which of these are humiliating to your individual and which aren't. There are many types: embarrassment, verbal, public, transvestitism, babyism, personal questions, in the bathroom, body inspections, panties, slave feeding, enemas, kissing ass, telling intimate details. Humiliation really works best if the thing you use is not their fetish, is not what turns them on. And you can reward them, you give them a stipulation of why they're going to do this for you. There are many fantasy scenes you can enact with your slave -- the possibilities are endless -- you can do your own, or if you feel generous and want to reward your slave, you can allow your slave to write a fantasy scene. Some of the ones I enjoy are Domina Nurse or Lady M.D., Governess with a little baby or child, military, biker-lady, Harem-owner, Mommy, School teacher, Mystery lady, Sorceress, Office, like a secretary, Revenge, Training the maid, Roman queen, Torturess. A fantasy is play time and should be used only as a reward, it is not actual training. Most advertisers in the D/s scene today are offering a fantasy, not reality. They are called fantasy facilitators. Your new slave-servant should have symbols of your ownership. There are many, some temporary, some permanent, such as discipline marks, marks upon their body that show you have shown them disciplinary attention and believe me, once a slave is truly a slave, they value these marks, they love them and want them. Various types of jewelry, of course the slave collar and ID tag, permanent tattoos, brands, body piercings, uniforms, carvings, shaving the pubic area. That is the number one mark of a slave, if they keep their pubic area shaved. Free people have hair. slaves don't. Sleeping arrangements. Now the slave who is your lover, your husband, or your wife of course can sleep with you if that is your desire. I think some form of bondage is nice, some kind of sleeping cuffs, chains, etc. Make sure it's something that's not going to tighten or cut off circulation as they sleep. Or, make them sleep as the live-in slave, on the floor, at the foot of your bed, chained to the bed by their foot. This is how the live-in slave must sleep, whether it's for a week-end or a long-term permanent commitment. Now I want to discuss punishment. Punishment is not discipline. They are two different things. And punishment is not anyone's fantasy. The purposes of punishment are to inspire obedience and respect, to correct misbehavior, to enforce one's will, as a reminder of the slave's position, and to heard off trouble before it starts. Remember, if it's something they're begging for, if it's their fantasy, or they're saying "oh punish me this way, that way, punish me for being bad," that is not true punishment. Punishment is a tool that the committed lifestyle Domina uses to make sure Her slave behaves and never misbehaves for the punished offense. As the Domina it is your prerogative to tell the slave or not to tell the slave why they're being punished. You owe no explanations to that slave. There are various types of punishment and I like to use a combination of both physical and emotional. Physical punishment includes corporal -- the use of implements, whips, paddles, crops -- again that would be more severe than what they would consider a turn-on. Another physical punishment is deprivation, something they want, such as an orgasm, or skipping a meal; something that makes them suffer in some form. Physical punishment can be enemas, especially if they don't enjoy them. For punishment I like to give the enemas in series of three, six or nine. Confinement, like being kept in, put in a cage, put somewhere where they don't want to be. Bondage, stringent, rigid bondage of a type that is not a turn-on for them. And there are childish physical punishments which include things like being grounded, writing lines, repetitious writing of something like "i am a bad slave because ..." Make sure they're numbered, the time they started, the time they ended, they're written neatly, no scribbles, no scratch-outs. You can either check them one by one or tear them up in his face and let the pieces drop to the floor. That's always demoralizing. Then make them kneel in the corner, another childish physical punishment. Some of the emotional punishments that are effective is instilling a fear of abandonment, verbal abuse, the silent treatment, denial of affection -- also called the cold shoulder, the cold treatment -- denial of privileges, change in the sleeping arrangement, so they don't feel as special, being replaced by another, collar removal -- removing their symbols of ownership and dismissing them. Now when using punishment, enough is enough. Know when to stop. Punishment used properly, in moderation, the right amount, the right length of time, the right intensity, is effective. It takes exploration to learn these things. Experiment, but learn when to stop. If you carry it on too long, it will have an opposite effect and you will have a rebellious slave. Just as you use punishment, you also use rewards. The purposes of rewards are to recognize good behavior, as an incentive, and to inspire loyalty. An unrewarded slave often runs away and finds a different Domina. There are types of rewards: Granting the slave a fantasy scene, a special meal they enjoy, a special activity, allowing a slave orgasm, canceling a chore they dread, praise, privileges, private time to themselves, gifts, a new ownership symbol, allowing body worship, giving them a higher status, such as a new sleeping arrangement, or allowing another Domina to play with them, with your supervision of course. Let the slave know they're being rewarded. Loyalty. It is very necessary that a slave learn he must be loyal to you. Whether it's an hourly slave, lover, husband, wife, or your live-in full-time committed slave. What is and isn't loyalty? Loyalty is faithfulness. Bad mouthing a Domina for any reason, even someone you have served in the past, is disloyalty. If you are rented or loaned to another Domina, that's loyalty, a Co-Mistress. However, when I use a Co-Mistress with my permanent long-term slaves, I do not allow ownership activities, things such as fisting, dildoes, ass-fucking, slave orgasm, that is for the Primary Owner, not the Co-Mistress. Honesty is a form of loyalty. Now degrees of loyalty. These differ from Domina to Domina, things like -- talking in person, on the phone, in a letter, talking to another Domina without permission is disloyalty. Submitting without permission is disloyalty. Intimacy without permission is disloyalty. Dancing without permission is disloyalty. Waiting on another without permission is disloyalty. Cards or gifts from another Domina without permission are disloyalty. Flirting without permission is disloyalty. Obeying another Domina without being told to do so is disloyalty. These things should be punished, and if it's serious enough, get rid of the slave; you don't need the aggravation. One way to belong is to attend D/s social activities. The purposes of these activities again are belongingness, to learn and see new techniques, a break in the every day routine, showing off your training techniques, showing off your slave, rewarding the slave, meeting new people that you have things in common with, and education, learning more about the scene. o The lifestyle Domina. This is the woman who lives the role 100% of the time. Yes, she may see slaves on an hourly basis, to earn a living. But also she usually has live-in slaves and errand slaves and her whole life is devoted to the training of submissives. In any of these D/s relationships it is necessary to establish trust, and that is through honesty on both parts. Head games are not fair and they do not instill loyalty, respect or trust. Also, discretion is important. The world does not accept our lifestyle, so we must be somewhat secretive about it. If you like to do things in public of an D/s nature, around regular, so-called straight people, then use discretion. I have many fun ideas of things of this sort that won't get you in trouble. The Domina Female must make it clear right up front who is in charge. It is said without slaves there would be no Domina Women. However, where would slaves be without Us? To make it clear who is in charge, instill respect in your slave. And you start this process through making them kneel, especially when bringing you something to drink, or breakfast, or the paper, or whatever. Have them use titles, whatever appeals to you. Mistress, the French form, maitresse, madam, queen, supreme goddess, glorious owner. Whatever you like. Whatever appeals to you. But make it special, a special title. Make your slave ask for permission for everything. Making him ask for permission for little things is one way to remind them all the time that they are a slave. As a Domina, how should you dress? There are many thoughts about this in the scene, and much controversy and debating back and forth among the top Dominas in the nation. I believe that a Domina should dress to please herself and to be comfortable. Certainly wearing leather, sexy lingerie, long sexy gowns, exotic makeup, dragon lady fingernails -- all those things add to an aura of mystique. But I like to save them for special occasions. I am just as dominant in my housecoat as I am in all my leathers. I prefer, myself, long lingerie. The Domina, to establish who is in charge, should establish rules that you expect the slave to obey. Write out a contract, like a marriage contract, what you expect from this person. What you are going to do in return. Above all, stick to it. Never, ever, tell a slave you will do something, or threaten to punish them, if you do not intend to carry it out. Certainty is the most important tool in handling slaves. Insecurity can be used in some ways in slave training but it has to be something very, very careful or it will ruin the D/s relationship. There are many activities the Domina can engage in with her slave depending on what Her goal is. From sexual foreplay to more serious things: bondage, discipline, intimate activities, games. Play, meaning a time set aside during the day to enact some of these activities, anticipation is the key to thins. Play can be elaborate, with many props, costumes, exotic makeup, or very simple, again, like just in a housecoat. Photography. The activities depend on the slave's individuality. One thing the new Domina must remember -- never, if you have more than one slave -- never treat every slave the same. They are all very different people with very different psycho-sexual make-ups. One thing to remember in the D/s relationship is safety. Use a code word when you are carrying out these activities. Establish limits, how far will you go; how far can the slave accept. Try to expand and enhance these limits, yes, but set limits. There are cautions to take. Such things as: Don't leave a person in bondage unattended. Check their circulation. Various things like that. Know beforehand any kind of physical limitations they have, allergies, etc. Have a first aid kit on hand, or at least some peroxide, cotton balls, bandages, etc. Do not try to dominate a slave if you are on drugs or alcohol. Also, do not dominate a slave who is on drugs or alcohol. It is very hard to determine how they are responding to what you are doing if they are under the influence. If you engage in sexual activities, intimate activities such as body worship, teasing, these things, make sure you follow guidelines for safe sex. Do not take chances with potentially fatal diseases. With electrical devices, shockers and zappers, I myself prefer not to use these anywhere near the chest cavity, such as on nipples. It might be fun, but who wants to interrupt the rhythm of the heart and give someone heart failure. You may excuse a slave from training activities for medical reasons. Keep always in your mind that this is a human being with a working body and sometimes there are problems you cannot overlook. If you are dealing with a female slave and you are doing anything inside her pussy, use a latex glove on your hand, use a rubber on your toys, and wash them, wash them in spermicidal solutions if they are involved with men, or, in rubbing alcohol, peroxide, germ-killers. Wrap these toys in saran wrap and keep them in a clean place. Dirty toys, dirty fingers, give women yeast infections, and they're very nasty, and can develop into kidney infections, kidney failure and death. Each slave should have their own slave bag, with their own toys, not to be used on anyone else. Now that we have discussed safety, I want to discuss slave status. There is a difference between a submissive and a masochist. A submissive desires to serve. A masochist desires to receive pain. Some Dominas will not accept a masochist as a live-in slave because they are selfish and want their pain needs filled all the time. However I have found a working relationship with my live-in slave girl because she is a combination submissive and masochist. She is well-known nationally in the scene for taking incredibly large amounts of pain, yet she is very submissive and serves Me as any loving slave would. Collars and leashes are a big part of slave training. Collaring a slave should be a part of a special naming ceremony, a ritual of what this collar means. It means ownership, belong to someone. There are many types of collars. You can use a simple choke chain, locked on with a padlock. And if you are for real and you want this 100% of the time, make them wear it 100% of the time, even out in public. My slave does. You can use dog collars, leather collars or any of the fancy fetish collars found in the D/s catalogs. I use leashes for leash training. My slave is blindfolded to inspire trust. On all fours, what I call dog walk, in the hold position, which is stay, leash retrieval -- they must pick the leash up with their mouth and hand it to me -- the leash should never drag on the floor. The leash can be used for bondage, attaching the slave to various devices, such as My bondage rack, that I use or one of my cages. The leash can be used as a strap for on the spot discipline. There are many types of leashes, fancy dog leashes, chain leashes, rope, anything you can devise that you want to use as a leash is fine. Collars and leashes can also be used in play, where your slave can be your own performing little doggie and do doggie tricks, or your dancing bear, or anything that appeals to you, a sexy harem dancer, doing leash dances, anything. When you have more than one slave, you must establish the expectations -- which duty goes to which slave, who is going to do the actual serving, the waiting on you, who takes out the garbage, who does the dishes, who cleans the bathroom. Don't expect them to know. Don't expect them to agree. That is up to you, as the boss. Establish what their relationship is going to be with each other. What is their status towards each other. In my situation, the male live-in slave is inferior to the female. he must look on her as his superior, because I believe 100% in Female Supremacy. I am presently considering adding a qualified live-in male to my household. That is My personal view, others view differently. Intimacy. Establish how much intimacy is allowed with these two slaves -- either none at all or some degree. Establish how much privacy will be allowed; what are the quarters for these slaves. And what ownership symbols are each allowed to have. You must also establish, when you have more than one live-in slave, how much, what degree of intimacy, each slave is allowed with the Domina. You may prefer a slave to wait on you totally, be your personal slave, your love slave, your sex slave, everything. Do all of the needs you have. While you have another slave only for heavy housework. That is your prerogative as a Domina. Establish these things ahead of time so the slave understands exactly what is expected. When you have more than one slave there is jealousy. How do you spot it? It's easy, with attitude. The slave is less submissive, they're snappy, they don't want to obey, they're sulking, they're acting out. How do you handle it? Again, trial and error. Find out what works. Insecurity is the biggest reason for jealousy. Be fair. Do what you have told the slave you will do. Do not ever promise things you don't intend. Punishment doesn't work when they're jealous. It only reinforces that they're unloved, unwanted and uncared for. The level of attention. Maybe the slave who is jealous needs more of your attention. Give it, in a fair way. Rewards. The jealous slave -- if you get them to behave and control their jealousy, reward them. My live-in female had a bad jealousy problem when she first came to Me. she is still insecure around other slaves when they are serving Me and submitting to Me. But, she has learned to adjust to it, with the techniques I've used. I do not ever dominate other females around her. she serves me as my only female slave. The rest of my slaves are male. If the jealousy is overwhelming, dismiss the slave. It's not worth the aggravation. Find another slave. In conclusion, I hope you've found my discussion on guidelines for the new Domina helpful. I would be happy to assist you further, with further descriptions, explanations of the things I've discussed. Best wishes. I wish you all the luck in your new endeavor as a Domina. -Ms.C.- PS. Some of you may be familiar with My work in Leather and Lace and other scene publications. I am one of the forerunners of Female Domination in our country solely due to My years in this lifestyle. I have been a scene participant for 20 years. Many of My ideas of years ago are common practice in the scene today. I don't claim to be an expert, only experienced. There are different types of social activities which include organizations, contact magazines, private parties, nightclubs in major cities such as New York and California, private shows that various Dominas do, Myself included. The disadvantages of social activities: o it's sometimes hard to control your slave. o Be sure of your slave before you go to such a place. o Feeling inhibited with an audience. o Limited space to play and do things with your slave. o Transportation is sometimes a problem, to get to these places. Granted, when attending these things -- the slave's opportunity for disloyalty -- keep an eye on your slave. Keep a short leash on your property, or you may lose your slave. If you want more information on any of these types of things, I have resources to share and will do so on a consultant basis. The Femina Society networks with an extensive database. Now in the D/s relationship, you have to decide who handles the money. Of course, the Domina does. But it's not always that easy. Of course the professional Dominatrix handles the money -- She is paid to compensate Her for Her time in dealing with this individual. Payment does not make slave the boss, unless She is not a true Domina. A true Domina expects tuition for Her time in training the slave. She is not selling a fantasy, selling a guarantee to do anything with Her, selling anything. She is being compensated as any teacher or instructor should be, for sharing their knowledge. Yes, there are professional Dominas who sell sex, who sell certain fantasies. I am not one of them. And I believe they should be wiped out of the scene. They are a disgrace. They are simply whores. In the situation where your slave is your wife, your lover, your husband, there are different ways to handle the money. Fifty-fifty, if that's okay with you. Or you take it all and give them an allowance. Or separate incomes. However, I find a slave with money in their pocket is bound to get in trouble. And they should be controlled. You control their money, it's another way to control their life. The life-style Domina who has live-in slaves. The temporary live-in should have no money on them. They come with the amount of money that they are giving over as tribute for being their temporarily, for their room and board and so on. They should not have any extra money. They have whatever they need to get home, and that's put away. They do not have money on their person. This again gives them too much freedom. The full-time live-in slave is fully accountable for any money they make. If there's a paycheck, they must turn it in, whether or not they get an allowance depends upon their behavior. Now, you might think it's fun to have more than one slave. There are different reasons for this. Different slaves have different levels of servitude. In My article, "Techniques of Servitude" I describe what I determine to be the Five Levels of Servitude. However, the Domina may have bisexual needs. She may want a male slave and a female slave for intimate services. She may want variety, more play partners. Or in the case of a long-term live-in, a division of labor. She may be bored with just one slave and want more than one. However, having more than one slave is good for companionship, for the Domina as well as for the slaves themselves. Or for public exhibitions at parties, shows and D/s clubs. And for income. The more income the slaves bring in, the better home they can share. In the case of a Domina who pays for advertising, photos, videos and things of that sort, it's nice to have variety.