  [\]
[\]     The Color Computer.     [/]
[/]                             [\]
[\] [-] [-] [-] [-] [-] [-] [-] [/]

THANKS TO:ROUND TABLE BBS & DATANET BBS
---------------------------------------
(simulation)

FROM-> JOHNNY THE AVENGER
DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM

I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2 OF SUMMER GAMES! MY CONNECTIONS MR.ZEROX AND CHEIF SURGEN BLACK BAG
ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL IT 2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS TRADEING? I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS CARS ,DISK MUNCHER AND SOME K00L
OTHER STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323-3741.IF YOU NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE


. ***      *****     **
.  *         *      *  *
*  *         *     ******
.** OHNNY    * HE  *    * VENGER



*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!

THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN

---------------------------------------

Is  the author  of the  above message a true pirate?

Since the beginning  of time there  has been  an  implicit code  of  etiquette governing  the   actions  of   software pirates, 
but as  many of  you may have noticed as of late, that code has  been knocked around a bit. Although it's not difficult  to  
differentiate  a   true pirate   from   one   of   these   poor imitations, I  believe that,  with  the number  of  true pirates 
decreasing at such an alarming rate, this code should be  set  straight. After  all, although "Jhonny" is  admittedly a  moron, 
it's not  his fault  that he  never received proper guidance.

One of the first and foremost rules  of piracy:  REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OLD!  Exceptions  to   this  rule are extremely
rare at best.

corollary: You never have to wonder who breeded Mickey  Mouse  with a  2600  hz tone to produce a real pirate's voice.


ALIASES:
-------

Real  pirates are more imaginative than to use the word "copy" in their alias.

Real pirates are not affraid to use their real names when needed.

Real pirates don't leave nasties on public BBS's.

corollary: Real  pirates  aren't  named "Mr.  Copy" because  real pirates don't brag about cracking Dung Beetles.

The word "crack" (or "krack") is  found nowhere  in  a  real  pirate's  name... unless he really knows how to. 

Real pirates' aliases don't sound as if they  were extracted from the lyrics of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provisioner of  Satan,
Black Avenger, Dark Phantom, etc..)

Real  pirates  don't  name   themselves after heavy metal groups.

Real   pirates,  if  named  after  some aspect of  pirate  legend  (i.e.  Jolly Roger,  Captain Hook,  Eye Patch,  BLACK BEARD,
ECT...) don't say, "Avast  ye scurvy dogs,"  or anything of the like.

Real  pirates' names aren't parodies of other reputable pirates (i.e.  Resident of  Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit,
etc.).

Real  pirates  don't  name   themselves after  alcoholic  beverages  (i.e. Jack Daniels, Harvey  Wallbanger, Jim  Beam, etc.)
especially when they've never had one.

Real  pirates   spell   their   aliases correctly (unlike "The Poenix").

Real  pirates aren't named Sam Houston, Sir Spanky, The Gamemaster, Lord Fagen,  THE FLY, DR. HACKER, (INSERT YOUR OWN  LOSERS
HERE), OR MR. COPY!



WARES
-----

Real  pirates  would  never  think   of deleting  "Sabotage". It's too much fun imagining those little men are actually Sir Knight.

Real  pirates  have long  since deleted "Sneakers", "E.T.",  "Alien  Munchies", "Bug   Battle",  "Snack   Attack",  and everything
from Radio Shack ROMS,  and Scott Adams.

Real  pirates upload. They realize that leeching is  the  #2  sin  (behind,  of course, being 13 years old).

Real   pirates  realize   that  Penguin aren't really "The Graphics People".

Real pirates feel guilty when  pirating Paper Route. Of course, that never stops them.

Real pirates don't  believe the  morons who  say they  have Ultima  IV and Pole Position.

corollary: Real  pirates  realize  that there is a difference between Formula I Racer and Pole Position.


BOARDS
------

Real pirates aren't  the fifth to  post the same "I have..." message.

corrolary:  Real pirates  don't post "I have..."  messages  when  they   really don't have.

Real  pirates  don't  download programs from public BBS's and then post "I  know it's old, but I have...too" messages on pirate
boards.

Real  pirates  don't  post  their  high scores.

corollary:   Real  pirates  don't  keep score.

Real  pirates   don't   say   "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME",   "X10DER",   "L8R0N", "WIMPER", or anything of the sort. 

Real  pirates   know   the   difference between  "f"  and "ph"  (i.e. "philes", "phuck", "fone", etc.).

Real  pirates  don't  waste  everyone's time  backspacing  over their  alias 50 times.

Real pirates have and use lower case.

Real pirates never use text graphics in their messages.

Real pirates don't care about The Curse BBS's "K-K00L M0DS". 

Real pirates don't search for new  ways to spell "WARES".

Real pirates don't use the last 5 lines of their messages bragging about the  8 meaningless   organizations  that  they belong to.

corollary: Real pirates don't belong to SWAPP, DOS/NPG, or Compuserve.

Real  pirates who  are TBBS  Sysops are proud  to   have   stolen   from   Phil Becker.

Real pirates  don't use GBBS, Fido-Net, Town Crier or COBBS.

Real pirates don't use un-modified  BBS software.

Real  pirates  are  satisfied  with one exclamation point.

Real  pirates  don't  call  Dial   Your Match.

Real  pirates  never  get  into  "bitch wars"  unless,  of  course,  they   are grinding  some 13 year old Apple user into the
dust.


TRANSFERS
---------

Real pirates no  longer buy  Micromodem II's,   SSM  modemcards, modem 1b's or  Networker modems.

corollary: Real pirates buy Cocos.

Real pirates  accept the  reality  that 300 baud is dead.

corrolary: Real pirates use 1200 or 2400 baud.

Real  pirates aren't around to trade on Friday or Saturday nights.

corollary: Real pirates haven't watched Love Boat or Fame since they were 13.

Real pirates type "Co Co" without the spacebar in between.

Real pirates can get Clone-m/Spit'n image to work right the first time.

corrolary:   Real  pirates   don't  get bad connections   because  of   bad extenders.


CONCLUSION
----------

That's   it...for  now.   Since  losers invent new ways to be losers every day, expect  a "Real  Pirate's Guide, Volume 2" very
soon.

If any of you were terribly offended by anything in this file, that's your clue to retire from the pirate world.  After all, real
pirates don't get offended by things written in textfiles.
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