The Vampire Vulnerability Test


Upon reflection of the scores I've seen to my Vampire Probability Test, I have
concluded that there are a surprisingly high number of mortals out there
highly prone to vampirism.  Of course I may not have seen all the results;
and I encourage people to let me know how you did.  I suspect that the
fantastically high scores from mortals should be a danger sign.  But then
again, my own score was so extreme that no amount of coaxing could convince
me to reveal it.  I say a danger sign because, after all, on this list we
have a tendency to romanticize the notions of vampirism.  Personally, I 
think vampires should come with warning signs stamped on their forehead,
reminiscent of those on nasty cigarette packages: 'Warning: The Surgeon
General cautions that exposure to vampires may be fatal to your health.'

In response to the severity of the number of yes-answers on the Vampire
Probability Test by mortals, I decided it was necessary to generate the Vampire
Vulnerability Test.  It is meant for mortals only (sorry Tanniver, Cat, 
Pyre, Vlad, etc.)  This is multiple choice, with scores based upon answers 
to hypothetical situations.  So get out your favorite holy symbol, a nice
wooden stake, pour yourself a glass of garlic-dipped holy water,
and good luck.

1.) It is late at night and you're alone in your residence.  Suddenly, you 
hear a noise, and look about, hysterical, as your heart pounds frantically, 
and you have a strange feeling crawl up your spine.  You know at this time 
that you are being watched.  Then you hear three taps on your door.  For a 
moment, you forget to breathe.  You foolishly open the door, answering a 
summons which you can not comprehend, and a vampire lets themself in.  They
appear as you could only imagine in your darkest most secret thoughts; of 
the right sex, height, hair and eye color.  It sweeps you off your feet and 
carries you away, but not before saying that it found you because your 
interest in vampires was a dead giveaway.  It tells you that it's been locked 
in a coffin for a few years and it needs some blood.  It assures you that
it only needs a little blood and "I guarantee you'll survive the encounter 
if you choose."  After a pause it adds, "Really."  Do you:

    A.) Ask for the guarantee in writing.
    B.) Immediately pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if
        it will turn you into a vampire on the spot.
    C.) Quickly pull out your favorite holy symbol and pray it works.
    D.) Tell it to leave you alone, but give it the address of a few of your 
        enemies.
    E.) Tell it that you're always willing to help someone in need.

2.) It is a late Autumn night and you and your SO have been celebrating an 
anniversary. Your SO has always been quite secretive, but your love for them 
has grown more and more intense with each passing day.  Suddenly, they set 
aside the wonderful bouquet of flowers you've given to them and casually 
confess that they're really a vampire.  Do you:

    A.) Immediately pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if
         it will turn you into a vampire on the spot.
    B.) Say, "My what big teeth you have!"
    C.) Suggest some oral gratification that night.
    D.) Reach for the nearest vial of holy water from your pocket, and throw
        it on your SO and pray for the worst.
    E.) Break up and move to Hawaii.

3.) It's just another day at work/study, when a friend casually brings up that 
your friend John died last night.  You nod, a bit sad, but then you realize 
that it has been the fourth friend to die in the past week.  You begin to 
suspect foul play, and upon investigation, discover that one of your friends 
is a vampire.  Do you:

    A.) Confront them.
    B.) Move to Hawaii and ignore the situation.
    C.) Immediately pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if
        it will turn you into a vampire on the spot.
    D.) Make a stake and attempt to stake them while they sleep.
    E.) Call the police to report a vampire.

4.) After being a member of a vampire mailing list for awhile, you begin to 
realize that there really are vampires out there.  In fact, you get to know a 
few.  One vampire acquaintance who brags that they always kill their victims 
(like Tanniver does) approaches you one night. It says that it has someone 
lined up but they're over an hour away and they "need just a little blood to 
tie them over."  Do you:

    A.) Immediately pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if
        it will turn you into a vampire on the spot.
    B.) Say, "You'll drink no blood before its time"
    C.) Give it the name of a fellow list member.
    D.) Use your mastery of martial arts on it (attack it with a katana, etc.)
    E.) Agree, but only on the condition that you get to taste some of the 
        vampire's blood as well.

5.) You're alone in your house, lonely ever since you broke up with your last
SO six months ago, just sitting by a warm fire drinking Kaluha and milk and
getting into a good book.  You turn because you sense a presence, and you
discover a vampire of the appropriate sex standing beside you.  At first you
think to be scared, but then looking into their eyes, and noticing they are
the most stunning creature that you've ever seen, your fears melt and a
strange warmth grows in your soul and you fight back an impulse to immediately
jump into this stranger's arms and let the night carry you away.  At this
point, they "pop the question".  That is, they offer to make you a vampire.
Do you:

    A.) Immediately pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if
         it will turn you into a vampire on the spot.
    B.) Drill it with questions to determine first if they're the Rician, 
        Stoker, or whatever your favorite type of vampire is, and then pounce 
        down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if it will turn you....
    C.) Ask it to come back when you're on your deathbed.
    D.) Ask about trial run temporary experiments.
    E.) Say no, but give it the name of a fellow list member.
    F.) Say no, but offer it a free sample of some of your blood in return for 
        it staying the night.

6.) It is a gorgeous spring night, the moon is full, and you're on your yacht,
dining with the most gorgeous date you've ever had, with only the candle and
the moon as your guide, as your friends below deck are playing soft violin
music.  You're getting intimate with your date when suddenly you discover
that they're a vampire.  Do you:

    A.) Excuse yourself and sneak out a bathroom window into a lifeboat and 
        row away.
    B.) Suggest "neck nibbling".
    C.) Immediately pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if
        it will turn you into a vampire on the spot.
    D.) Nothing, but be sure that your cook makes the steak rare.
    E.) Ask the date if they're interested in a blood exchange later.

7.) You're alone, of course, with a vampire friend in your residence.  This
friend has promised, by their own choice, to leave your blood alone.  You're
in the kitchen juggling butcher knives like you sometimes do on Tuesday
nights,when suddenly you cut yourself.  Do you:

    A.) Attempt to hide the blood and the wound and hope they don't notice.
    B.) Wave the blood in front of their face tauntingly and laugh.
    C.) Wave the blood in front of their face tauntingly and then immediately 
        pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude if it will turn 
        you into a vampire on the spot.
    D.) Sneak out the window of the bathroom into your Mazerati and zip away.
    E.) Move to Hawaii.

8.) People in your town (Mahtog, or where ever you live) have agreed that
there is a vampire on the loose.  One night, this vampire seeks you out and
requests shelter.  You are immediately dazzled by how attractive and
irresistible they are.  "I know you love vampires and I promise in return for
the shelter not to bite you."  Do you:

    A.) Run to the kitchen and cut yourself with a butcher knife, run back and 
        wave the blood in front of the vampire's face and then pounce down on 
        your knees and swear eternal gratitude if it will turn you into a ...
    B.) Agree, but in the first available opportunity, jump out the bathroom
        window into your Harley, and zip away.
    C.) Tell it to make itself at home, since you're just stepping out to 
        Hawaii.
    D.) Give it some good fluff to read, such as provided by this list.
    E.) Tell it you want sex in return for shelter, not promises.

9.) You're returning from the debut of your first motion picture, with your
current love interest in your arms.  The press and critics applaud wildly,
youragent says it will be the biggest hit since Ninja Turtles.  The tabloids
are dropping their stories about pregnant sea monkeys from space to talk about
your scandalous affair with this current unknown.  Finally, you get into your
private helicopter and fly away to your Malibu mansion.  When you get there,
you and your love interest have a quiet candlelight dinner on a platform in
thecenter of your second largest outdoor swimming pool.  You invite your lover
to stay the night.  They ask which room, and after a great amount of thought,
you reply the Armor and Animal Trophy Room.

    Alone with your lover in this room, things are getting out of control for
both of you.  But for your lover, this means they suddenly flash some teeth
and the next thing you know you've been bitten in the neck.  Your head swims,
the world grows blurry, and you lose consciousness.  The next day, you awake
with a mild headache and nothing but a single note laying on the blood-stained
strawpillow.  In the note, your lover apologizes profusely, saying how things
got out of control and usually they could handle their atypical blood fetish.
All that remains is a single glass foot-item.  Do you:

     A.) Stop taking this test before things get too silly.
     B.) Search endlessly across the globe for your love, testing the footwear 
         on all possible subjects.
     C.) Seek out the nearest vampire so that they can turn you into a vampire 
         as well.
     D.) Offer a substantial reward for any information leading to the 
         whereabouts of this vampire.
     E.) Take a vacation to Hawaii.
     F.) Do nothing.  But count your blessings and try to develop a more 
         stable love life.

10.) You're innocently taking a test, which you think is just a test, until
you realize that there is a vampire watching you take this test.  Right now.
Not fiction, not fluff, and no silliness.  There is a vampire with you right
now, watching you read these words.  They don't speak at first, and so you
have no idea what they are.  You have no idea whether they need to kill people
or just take a little blood.  You have no idea whether they intend to kill
you. You don't even know if they intend to bite you.  You don't know if
anything they say will be the truth and you don't know if the thoughts you are
thinking right now will be your last.  You don't know if they can read your
mind, if they have super strength, if they can fly, or even if they really are
immortal. All you know is that they are a vampire.  And you're not.

     A.) You attempt to run away.
     B.) You stay and ask questions.
     C.) You faint.
     D.) You attempt to fight the vampire at the first sign of a hostile 
         gesture.
     E.) You ask questions, but admit that secretly you desire to join the 
         undead.

Okay.  That's it.  Now let me explain the point system.  Each answer is worth
from 1-4 points.  If you had to pick more than one answer to a question, than
give yourself the maximum of the choices you picked.  The final score will be
from 10-40 and there are no bonus points this time.  This is test is meant to
measure how willing you are to join the undead, and it doesn't necessarily
mean that a small score will indicate that you are immune to vampires.  On the
contrary, a small score just means if it were up to you (and it never is)
you'd like to be immune to vampires.  A large score indicates that you'd like
to submit to a vampire's bite.  Exact interpretations of the scores will be
provided.

Beside each answer is the number of points it was worth.  Each question can
only have one answer and if you have more than one, pick the one with the
biggest score.


01.)  A- 3 B- 4 C- 1 D- 2 E- 3
02.)  A- 4 B- 3 C- 3 D- 1 E- 2
03.)  A- 2 B- 3 C- 4 D- 1 E- 2
04.)  A- 4 B- 2 C- 2 D- 1 E- 3
05.)  A- 4 B- 4 C- 2 D- 3 E- 1 F- 4
06.)  A- 1 B- 3 C- 4 D- 2 E- 4
07.)  A- 2 B- 3 C- 4 D- 1 E- 2
08.)  A- 4 B- 1 C- 2 D- 2 E- 4
09.)  A- 2 B- 3 C- 4 D- 3 E- 2 F- 1
10.) A- 1 B- 2 C- 3 D- 2 E- 4

Total your score and consult the following guide:


Below 15: If it were up to you, you'd stop the advances of the undead.  Since
          it isn't up to you, you'll probably end up vampire food anyway.

16-24: You basically know enough to stay away from vampires.  There is a
       little bit of uncertainty, so be careful.  The vampire will exploit and
       magnify this.  Then again, being a vampire may not be so bad....

25-33: Another vampire-lover.  Be careful of mysterious strangers that you 
       bump into during the night.  If you meet one, give them the Vampire 
       Test.  If they score high (see below), then you should probably run. 
       Problem is, you probably will choose not to run.

34-40: Vampire Bait- You'd make the perfect vampire bait.  You're a vampire's
       dream come true.  You really do like vampires, don't you?  You're the 
       type of person who would most likely choose undead over dead, vampire 
       over human.

Some individual interpretations:


If you picked any of 2E,3B,7E,8C,9E, let's face it:  Running away solves 
nothing.

If you picked 9A, you've hurt my feelings.


Greg Henry
henry@saga.cs.cornell.edu   / henry@128.84.254.225 (Internet)
henry@crnlcam.bitnet                               ( BITNET )