Ye olden tales (revised, once again) Narrator : Ye old sea man from many a year ago begins to tell the story of long ago, in a time when life itself was perilous. Ye old sea man from many a year ago : I don't want to tell a tale. Nya! (spoken like a child who is testing the limits of its parents) Narrator : Every step taken was a step into treachery and deceit. yosmfmaya : I yam not going to tell a story and I yam not goin to tell a story! Narrator : shut up you old man! (whack to the old man's stomach) I control this story. I tell you what to say! I control you. You belong to me. yosmfmaya : ya?!? and you says? Narrator : the author, of course! yosmfmaya : Oh! great author! with all your power and wisdom, please forgive, me, I, being the unworthy, ungrateful, pseudo-pirate that I am. Me : You are forgiven! yosmfmaya : thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you! Me : that's enough from you. Narrator. Narrator : what? I (it's grammatically correct) : It's your turn to bow down to me and tell me how great I am. Narrator : no way in he wait, stop! don't change the words that I you are the worl stop! I don't want to I want to say that you are the world's greatest! You are the most special person in the world. You are the great one! You are the allmighty one! You are what I dream I could be! Let me kiss you feet oh great one I : that's enough, continue with the story. Narrator : Ye old sea man from many a year ago begins to tell the story of long ago, in a time when life itself was perilous. Every step taken was a step into treachery and deceit. With every turn, there was a villain stabbing at your back, with ever- yosmfmaya : that's enough. I'll tell the story. Ay! ya little wench. I'll tell yu u story! Arrrrr! There was once a hare und a tortoise Narrator : not the german accent, the pirate! yosmfmaya : arrrr! allright ya matee! There were onc a hare and a tortoise, arrrr! The hare said to the tortoise! "Arrrrr! ya lazy land lovin' beast! You can't run worth a hoot nanny" "What beeth a hootnanny, you poor excuse for a pirate?, arrr!" "I don't care, ya ugly excuse for a reptilian, arrr!" "Well why did you say, hootnanny, arrrr! Why not speckle bum, or beelzebub, or flea-bitten-roach eating... Narrator : tortoise continues for a long time. yosmfmaya : dog-licking-hootnanny? Arrrr! "ya said hootnanny" said the hare, arrrr! "ya wants to fight about it? Arrrr!" "I do! arrrr!" "Any time, any place, any race, Arrrr!" "Methinks, thou art a coward! Arrrr!" "Let us race, Arrrr!" "The loser gets to call the winner a hoot- nanny for the rest of his natural life, arrrr!" "So be it then, arrr!" Narrator : So after the great confusion, and massive amounts of arrr!s said, both animals were tricked. One said, "the LOSER get to call the winner", when what was supposed to be said was the WINNER. Setting : the scene of the race. young wench for a boy : oh! that's so very, very good. I do hope the rabbit will win, I do hope so! yosmfmaya : it beeth a hare! young wench for a boy : no, father, how can a hair run? yosmfmaya : I said a hare! arrrr! young wench for a boy : a hair? yosmfmaya : yes, yes a hair. young wench for a boy : a bear? yosmfmaya : no! a hair!! young wench for a boy : a bear? yosmfmaya : allright, a bear. young wench for a boy : a bare? yosmfmaya : no! a bear! young wench for a boy : a bare? yosmfmaya : allright, a bare? young wench for a boy : what do you mean, father? Bare is an adjective, how can an adjective be fuzzy, an' brown, an' (whack) yosmfmaya : stop it! ya' young fool! tryin' to trick me ay? Arrrrr! The rabbit was a racin' young wench for a boy : I thought you said it war' a hare? yosmfmaya : a hare! was racin' against the tortoise. young wench for a boy: a tortoi....(whap) yosmfmaya : the hare was racing against the tortoise. The gun is fired! Arrr! The two begin off at the top o' their speeds an' the rabbit sees how very slow the tortoise is. Arrr! "he sloweth down considerably and watches the tortoise move. Soon, the rabbit decides to ride on the tortoise' back, arrr! The tortoise be a strainin' away. He tryeth very hard, many times near the point of collapsing. wench for a boy (now a middle-aged wench for a boy because of the length of this story) : ooo' that evil hare! yosmfmaya : shut up!, where were I, ah yes, I will telleth thee a story! Narrator : due to cirmumstances such as the author not being that bored as to write the entire story over and the reader not being that bored that he or she as the case may be(ha!) yosmfmaya : will be kicked out of the story and I will take his place. yosmfmaya : no! no! you can't kick me out! This is my life! Where else am I going to get work?, no! no! Narrator : allright, go on. yosmfmaya : thank you, master! thank you, master! Narrator : ya, ya, go on! yosmfmaya : ya, ungrateful, no thanking, biting... Narrator : due to unusual circumstances, the old man will be removed yosmfmaya : shut up! I'm a gonna continue this story, whether you like it or not! Good, now where was I, Oh yes! The poor turtle was a movin' along and saw that the no good, freeloader was ridin' on his back, arrrr! But because he was ridin on the back o' the shell, he knew that hard wurk and persuvurance would pae offfff. Ye continued, and ye continued, until he nearly died of exhaustion. Finally, the he sees the finish line. The wretched rabbit(ooo! notice that both words start with the same sound, for all you wannabe poets, what is this called?) was lying on top of the carpace, in blissful slumber. Smmmmmooooooothhhhhhly, he krept up, slowly, but surly (many a pardons, I meant shurly) he reached the finish line. In his happiness of completing the goal and victory, the turtle dies, with his dead head(ha!) falling over the finish line. Narrator : hooray! hooray! yosmfmaya : shut up! I amanot done yet! Arrrr! The head crosses the finish line, making the turtle the winner. The rabbit, slowly waking up, rolls off the shell, falling past the finish line. the rabbit was the loser, giving him the right to call him u' hootnanny. "hootnanny, hootnanny!" exclaimed the rabbit in a joyful shout of disrespect for the now rotting corpse. young wench for a boy : ya dirty scoundrel! How dare ya make such rude remarks about a poor and innocent turtle! How dare you make such crass make such crass remarks over the villainous rabbit! I shannot take such a mockery of a story. yosmfmaya : shut up ya wench for a boy! (slap) I : well, that's the last story, remember to read the readme text (readme.txt) again so that you will remember that you will know the address to send you donations and comments to. (play the sound of music them in your head) Farewell!, du du du, du, du du du, farewell! du du du, du du du du, FAREWELL! The DogCatcher