lots 'o' jokes ENJOY!!!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!" ............................. Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" ............................. Question: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico? Answer: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. .............................. A woman walked into a bar carrying a bar carring a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck." ............................... A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine her mouth. Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case of Zacklies I've ever seen!" "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?" "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!" .................................... One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" .................................. A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied. ................................... A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen." The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired. The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over. "Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours." ................................... An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!" .................................. There was a young sailor from Brighton Who said to his girl, "You`re a tight one." She replied, " `Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There`s plenty of room in the right one." ................................. The nipples of Sarah Sarong, When excited, are twelve inches long. This embarrassed her lover Who was pained to discover She expected no less of his dong. ............................... There was a young man of Nantucket Whose prick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it." ............................... There was a young sailor named Bates Who did the fandango on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. ................................... "My back aches. My penis is sore. I simply can't fuck any more. I'm dripping with sweat, And you haven't come yet; And, my God! it`s a quarter to four!" .................................. In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, Complacently stroking his madam, And loud was his mirth For on all of the earth There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. ................................ There was a young lady from Cue Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They`ll pay to get out of it too." .............................. RODNEY JOKES... "My mother had morning sickness after I was born." "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." "Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room." "I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get." "One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control." "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof" "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair." "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide." "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..." "When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me." "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday" "One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!" "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!" "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!" "This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me." "They say..Love thy neighbor as thy self...What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?" "At christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present he gave me!" "My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed...Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh." "I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me." "My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg". "A girl phoned me and said..Come on over there's nobody home. I went over....Nobody was home!" "If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all." "I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.. Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No.. I hate myself now." "My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits. "I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra." "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks" "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs." "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize." "I knew a girl that was so ugly that...I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her." "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint. A saint bernard!" "I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me.. What'll you have? I said..surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife." " During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel." "My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend." "One day..as I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..Hey buddy..why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early." "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest." "I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie." " My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms" "My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings." "My psyciatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. If you don't mind I'd like a second opion he said..Alright..you're ugly too!" "I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!" "And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with!" ... .....a Frenchman, an Italian, and an American were talking about sleeping with their wives the night before : The Frenchman said "I made love to my wife 4 times last nite, and in the morning she said 'There is no other man that can satisfy me like you'". So the Italian said "I made love to MY wife SIX times last nite, and in the morning she said 'You are the best lover in the world'". The American said "I only made love to my wife once last nite"..... ....and the Italian asked him "what did she say in the morning?" And the American said "She said DON'T STOP !" ... What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs???????? CUNTS-WAY-LOW! ... What is the specialty these days of Ukranian prostitutes? .....A GLOW JOB! ... BASEBALL QUIZ: WHO HIT THE MOST HOME RUNS?????????? HENRY AARON. NUMBER 2: WHO HAS THE MOST BASE HITS?????????????? PETE ROSE. NUMBER 3: WHO WAS HIT IN THE FACE BY THE MOST BALLS????????????? ROCK HUDSON!!! ... Did you hear about the new stamp commemorating prostitution? It's a 22-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's $1.00. ... WHAT IS TATTOOED ON NANCY REAGAN'S CHEST? A: "FRONT!" ... Do you know the difference between Jewish wives and Gentile wives? Gentile wives have real orgasms and fake jewels. ... MALE FLY TO FEMALE FLY SITTING ON A PILE OF SHIT. "IS THIS STOOL TAKEN?" ... In his later years, Thomas Edison was a renoun philanthropist. At one time, he went into the Indian territories to see that they, too could enjoy the advantages of the electric light. With his own hands, he brought electricity to the Indians! He even put electricity in the Indian out houses. In so doing, he became the first man to wire a head for a reservation. ... Why is it, that when the Reagans do "IT", Nancy has to be on top??????? Because Ronnie can only fuck up!!!!! ... Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toy box????????????? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and murmering, "Lie to me!" ... How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her! ... A BEAR AND A RABBIT WERE IN THE WOODS AND THE BEAR ASKED THE RABBIT, "TELL ME MR. RABBIT, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SHIT STICKING TO YOUR FUR?" "NO I DON'T" REPLIED THE RABBIT. SO THE BEAR PICKED UP THE RABBIT AND WIPED HIS ASS WITH IT. ... New ad campaign for Tampax: WE MAY NOT BE NUMBER 1, but we're right up there! ... If a male sheep is called a ram and a donkey is called an ass why is is a ram in the ass called a goose? ... Where do cantaloupes go for the summer??????????? John Cougar's melon camp ... Have you heard about the new Jewish Radial Tire????? It not only stops on a dime...it picks it up! ... NOT EVERYONE CAN PLAY TENNIS. IT TAKES FUZZY BALLS. ... How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb???? Light bulb? That's a hardware problem. ... How many Southern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb???? Southern Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs ... What do you call hemroids on a faggot? Speed Bumps? ... What do you call a leper in a bathtub? Stew ... What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the Tip ... WHAT DOES THE S.S. ENTERPRISE AND TOLIET PAPER HAVE IN COMMON? THEY BOTH CIRCLE URANUS AND PICK UP KLINGONS... ... What do you call a Chinese 69? Two-kan-chu !!!! ... YOUR AMERICAN GOING INTO THE BATHROOM.... YOUR AMERICAN COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM.... WHAT ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOM????? . EURO-PEAN ... I KNOW A GIRL SO FRIGID WHEN SHE OPENS HER LEGS THE LIGHT COMES ON. ... why are JEWISH MEN CIRCUMSIZED? JEWISH WOMEN WONT TAKE ANYTHING UNLESS ITS 20% OFF. ... WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS WITH A COMPUTER? YOU GET A COMPUTER THAT WONT GO DOWN. ... A student was running out of time to write his last two term papers so he pleaded with his mother to write his US history paper but she said, "no, I can't do it.It wouldn't be right." To which the student replied, "Yes,but you could at least try." ... WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIBERACHE' AND RONNIE REAGAN? REAGAN'S AIDS HAVEN'T KILLED HIM YET. HA!!!! ... These two Polack junkies score some smack. Right in front of the pusher, they cook it and begin to shoot up. The first Polack shoots and then passes the needle to the second Polack, who sticks himself without benefit of alcohol or anything. "What're you guys doin!" the pusher says, "don't you know that's how you get AIDS?" "Don't worry about that," the first Polack says, "we're both wearing condoms!" ... GUY WALKS INTO A PSYCIATRISTS OFFICE SAYS "HEY, I'M A WIGWAM, HEY, I'M A T.P." DOCTER SAYS "CALM DOWN YOU'RE TWO TENTS!"GET IT( TOO TENSE,TWO TENTS) ... HOW ARE MEXICAN WOMEN AND GOALIES ALIKE? THEY BOTH CHANGE THEIR PADS AFTER THREE PERIODS... ... TOP TEN WAYS LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF DOGS RAN THE WORLD ========================================================== 10. MORE DONAHUE SHOWS ABOUT SHEDDING 9. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES MORE LIKELY TO STOP IN MID-SPEECH AND SNIFF BASE OF PODIUM 8. CATS MUST REPORT ADDRESS TO POST OFFICE EVERY YEAR 7. PROCTER & GAMBLE INTRODUCES NEW LIVER-FLAVORED CREST 6. DRINKING FROM TOILET NO LONGER A FAUX PAS 5. MUSEUMS FILLED WITH STILL LIFES OF TABLE SCRAPS 4. CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT EXTENDS VOTE TO WOLVES 3. TV COMMERICIAL ALTERED SO DOG CATCHES & DEVOURS LITTLE CHUCK WAGON 2. MONUMENT IN WASHINGTON COMMEMORATES "OUR NEUTERED BROTHERS" 1. ALL MOTORISTS MUST DRIVE WITH HEAD OUT OF CAR WINDOW ... subject: Why do....... ...MEXICANS folks smell? So blind people can hate them too! ... WHOS THE MOST POPULAR GUY AT A NUDIST COLONY... HE'S THE GUY THAT CAN CARRY TWO COFFEES AND A DOZEN DONUTS! ... Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. ... a kid goes up to his dad and says "dad, I am real worried about something" the dad says "what's the matter son?" the kid says "well I think my best friend is gay..." the dad looks at his kid in the eye and says "why do you think so?" the kid answers "because his dick tastes like shit" ... What was Ted Bundy's last job. He was a conductor. ... What's the most cruel thing you can say to a person faceing the electric chair? MORE POWER TO YOU!!!!!!!! ... What does a gay guy call a condom? Seal a meal! ... DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW VIETNAMIESE COOKBOOK ? ITS CALLED 101 WAYS TO WOK YOUR DOG... ... WHAT DID THE LEPER SAY TO THE WORKER ? LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND... ... WHY DO WOMEN HAVE LEGS ? SO THEY DONT LEAVE SNAIL TRACKS... ... HOW DO YOU TELL IF A MEXICAN WOMAN IS ON HER PERIOD ? SHE IS ONLY WEARING ONE SOCK.... ... HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE LATEST DISEASE IN MEXICO ? TOXIC SOCK SYNDROME.... ... DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLOCK WHO LOST HIS CAR KEYS ? IT TOOK HIM 2 WEEKS TO GET HIS FAMILY OUT OF THE CAR.... ... HOW DID THE POLOCK BREAK HIS ARM WHILE RAKING THE LEAVES ? HE FELL OUT OF THE TREE... ... DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH TERRORIST ? THEY SENT HIM OUT TO BLOW UP A CAR AND HE BURNT HIS MOUTH ON THE TAILPIPE... ... WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT AND A RINO ? ELEIF-I-KNOW... ... THIS MAN WAS DRIVING DOWN THE STREET WITH A MONKEY IN HIS CAR AND THE COP PULLED HIM OVER. THE COP SAID I WANT YOU TO TAKE THAT MONKEY TO THE ZOO. A WEEK LATER THE SAME COP PULLED THE SAME MAN AND MONKEY OVER AGAIN AND SAID I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT MONKEY TO THE ZOO. THE MAN SAID I DID AND NOW I AM GOING TO TAKE HIM TO DISNEYLAND... ... From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too intensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?" There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!" ... After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very attractive redhead behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking." The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones." "That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that,too!" ... The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." ... The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." ... It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" ... Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room. "Notice anything?" she asked slyly. "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply. "How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the shit stains are in the front," he said. ... A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" ... An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common." ... Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this dog that had bent itself into a weird position and was licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I wish I could do that." The other man replied, "I think you better get to be friends first." ... After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning." ... During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop. The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!" ... At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns. One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there." His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there." Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell! There aren't any Catholics there!" ... Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one. Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded the second. "Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well." This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." ... A young man with passions quite gingery Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. He slapped her behind And made up his mind To add incest to insult and injury. ... A remarkable race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions. ... There was a young monk from Siberia Whose morals were very inferior. He did to a nun What he shouldn't have done, And now she's a Mother Superior. ... There was a young girl named Anheuser Who said that no man could surprise her. But Pabst took a chance, Found Schlitz in her pants, And now she is sadder Budweiser. ... There was a young fellow named Gluck Who found himself shit out of luck. Though he petted and wooed, When he tried to get screwed He found virgins just don't give a fuck. ... There was a young girl who begat Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. It was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding, When she found there was no tit for Tat. ... There once was a floozie named Annie Whose prices were cosy -- but canny : A buck for a fuck, Fifty cents for a suck, And a dime for a feel of her fanny. ... A harlot of note named Le Dux Would always charge seventy bucks, But for that she would suck you, And wink-off and fuck you -- The whole thing was simply de luxe! ... A licentious old justice of Salem Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. But instead of a fine He would stand them in line, With his common-law tool to impale 'em. ... There once was a harlot at Yale With her price-list tattooed on her tail, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, She had it embroidered in Braille. ... There was a young lady at sea Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." "I see," said the mate, "That accounts for the state Of the captain, the purser, and me." ... There was a young lady of Clewer Who was riding a horse, and it threw her. A man saw her there With her legs in the air, And seized the occasion to screw her. ... There was a young man with a hernia Who said to his surgeon, "Gosh-dernya, When carving my middle Be sure you don't fiddle With matters that do not concern ya." ... She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her She took off like a glider, And gave up her lover forever. ... Van Gogh found a whore who would lay, And accept a small painting as pay. "Vive l`Art!" cried Van Gogh, "But it`s too fucking slow -- I wish I could paint ten a day!" ... There was a young farmer of Nant Whose conduct was gay and gallant, For he fucked all his dozens Of nieces and cousins, In addition, of course, to his aunt. ... When the judge, with his wife having sport, Proved suddenly two inches short, The good woman declined, And the judge had her fined By proving contempt of the court. ... A lady athletic and handsome Got wedged in her sleeping room transom. When she offered much gold For release, she was told That the view is worth more than the ransom. ... There was a young girl in Berlin Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. Though he diddled his best, And fucked her with zest, She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" ... A young woman got married at Chester, Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. Says she, "You`re in luck, He's a stunning good fuck, For I`ve had him myself down in Leicester." ... There was a young fellow named Goody Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? If he found himself nude With a gal in the mood, The question's not would he but could he? ... There was a young plumber of Leigh Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. She said, "Stop your plumbing, There`s somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It`s me." ... Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, "You must seize it, and squeeze it, And tease it, and please it, For Rome wasn`t built in a day." ... The spouse of a pretty young thing Came home from the wars in the spring. He was lame but he came With his dame like a flame- A discharge is a wonderful thing. ... There was a young fellow named Lancelot Who his neighbors all looked on askance alot Whenever he'd pass A presentable lass, The front of his pants would advance a lot. ... There was a young girl of Cah'lina, Had a very capricious vagina: To the shock of the fucker 'Twould suddenly pucker, And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." ... There was a young idler named Blood, Made a fortune performing at stud, With a fifteen-inch peter, A double-beat metre, And a load like the Biblical Flood. ... There was a young man of Kildare Who was fucking a girl on the stair. The bannister broke, But he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. ... King Louis gave a lesson in Class, One time he was sexing a lass. When she used the word "Damn" He rebuked her: "Please ma`am, Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." ... There was a young fellow named Tucker Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, Said, "Don`t bow out your lips Like an elephant's hips, The boys like it best when they pucker." ... And then ther's a story that's fraught With disaster -- of balls that got caught, When a chap took a crap In the woods, and a trap Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! ... There was a young man of Khartoum Who lured a poor girl to her doom. He not only fucked her, But buggered and sucked her -- And left her to pay for the room. ... A squemish young fellow named Brand Thought caressing his penis was grand, But he viewed with distaste The gelatinous paste That it left in the palm of his hand. ... A vigorous fellow named Bert Was attracted by every new skirt. Oh, it wasn't their minds But their rounded behinds That excited this loveable flirt. ... A psychoneurotic fanatic Said, "I take little girls to the attic, Then whistle a tune 'Bout the cow and the moon -- When the cow jumps, I come. It`s dramatic." ... The limerick form is complex Its contents run chiefly to sex. It burgeons with virgeons And masculine urgeons, And swarms with erotic effex. ... There was a young idler named Blood, Made a fortune performing at stud, With a fifteen-inch peter, A double-beat metre, And a load like the Biblical Flood. ... If you're speaking of actions immoral Then how about giving the laurel To doughty Queen Esther, No three men could best her- One fore, and one aft, and one oral. ... A salvation Lassie named Claire Was having her first love affair. As she climbed into bed She reverently said, "I wish to be opened with prayer." ... There was a young girl from Sofia Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It`s a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" ... A lady athletic and handsome Got wedged in her sleeping room transom. When she offered much gold For release, she was told That the view is worth more than the ransom. ... She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her She took off like a glider, And gave up her lover forever. ... And then ther's a story that's fraught With disaster -- of balls that got caught, When a chap took a crap In the woods, and a trap Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! ... A young woman got married at Chester, Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. Says she, "You`re in luck, He's a stunning good fuck, For I`ve had him myself down in Leicester." ... There was a young lady at sea Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." "I see," said the mate, "That accounts for the state Of the captain, the purser, and me." ... There was a young lady from China Who mistook for her mouth her vagina. Her clitoris huge She covered with rouge And lipsticked her labia minor. ... There was a young girl in Berlin Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. Though he diddled his best, And fucked her with zest, She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" ... The mathematician Von Blecks Devised an equation for sex, Having proved a good fuck Isn't patience of luck, But a function of Y over X. ... There was a young man with a hernia Who said to his surgeon, "Gosh-dernya, When carving my middle Be sure you don't fiddle With matters that do not concern ya." ... This guy is setting in a bar when a provocatively dressed young woman comes up to him and whispers; " I'll do anything you want for one hundred dollars". The man thinks for a second and says; " OK. Be at my house, 9:00 tomorrow morning", as he gives her his address. She shows up promptly at nine, dressed as the night before. He gives her the $100. "What would you like me to do?", she purrs. "Paint my house." ... Did you hear about the woman who was jumped by three gays in the park the other day? (say no) Two of them held her down while the other one fixed her hair! ... What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing - they were both stuck up cunts. ... Two secretaries sit side by side at work. One day Kylie and Sharon cam into work and Kylie found an enormous bunch of roses on her desk. "Wow" said Sharon, "What a wonderful surprise!" Kylie seemed unimpressed. "Shit," she said "now I'll have to spend the whole night on my back, with my legs up in the air!" "Why?" asked Sharon "Are they from your boyfriend?" "No." replied Kylie. "I don't have a vase!" ... There was this baby fawn deer, whose mom was killed by a hunter - he took Charles Atlas's body building course, and now that he's all grown up, every year he goes on this revergeful murderous rampage, antlering to death every hunter he can get his antlers on. They made a movie about it - BAMBO ... How many seconds are there in a year? Answer: 12 January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc... hehehe ... SNIGLETS Aquadextrous - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. Blithwapping - v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. Burbulation - n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. Magnocartic - n. Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. Cinemuck - n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. Elbonics -n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre. Flannister - n. The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. Fenderberg - n. The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms. Furbling -v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. Genderplex - n. The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). Gleemites - n. Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. Gurmlish - n. The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. Idiot Box - n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. Krogt - n. (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. Lactomangulation -n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. Mittsquinter - n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. Mustgo - n. Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. Narcolepulacy (nar ko lep' ul ah see) - n. The cantagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. Pediddel - n. A car with only one working headlight. Petribar -n. Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. Phosflink - v. To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life). PIYAN (pi' an) - n. (acronym: "Plus If You Act Now") Any miscellaneous item thrown in on a late night television ad. Purpitation - v. To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't wan t it, and then put it in another section. Scribline - n. The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. Slurm - n. The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. Spagmumps - n. Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. Spirobits - n. The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook. Spirtle -n. The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. Squatcho - n. The button at the top of a baseball cap. Telepression - n. The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to "look up the number on your own" and instead put the burden on the directory asisstant. Snacktrek - n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. Yinkel - n. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. Nugloo (nug' lew) - n. Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead. ... WHY IS BEER BETTER THAN WOMEN? You can enjoy beer all month long. Beer stains wash out. You don't have to wine and dine beer. Your beer will always wait patiently for you while you play a sport When your beer goes flat, you toss it. Beer is never late. Hangovers go away. A beer doesn't get jealous when you get another beer. Beer labels come off without a fight. When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer. After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime. Beer never has a headache. abeer doe sn't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. If you pour a beer right you always get good head. You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty. A beer always goes down easy. You can share a beer with your friends. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer. A beer is always wet. You can have a beer in public. A frigid beer is good beer. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. ... Subject: Jewish Mother-in-law joke What's the difference between a JMinL and a buzzard? The buzzard waits until you're dead before it rips your heart out. ... What's the difference between the Tax man and a Taxidermist? The Taxidermist gives the skin back. ... Why are Jewish divorces so Expensive? 'Cause they're worth it!........ ... A duck walked into the pharmacy and asked for a dozen condoms. The pharmacy guy asks, "Would you like me to put these on your bill?" and the duck says, "What kind of duck do you think I am?" ... This guy opens an ice cream parlor. He advertises "3,000 FLAVORS, ANY FLAVOR YOU WANT!" A man comes in and says "You don't have the flavor I want." The prorietor looks at the man and says, "what flavor would that be?" The customer replies, "I want pussy flavored ice cream." The storeowner spins around, grabs a cone and puts a big scoop of ice cream into it. He hands it to his customer and says, "Pussy flavored!" The customer takes a big lick, makes a grimmace and says, " That doesn't taste like pussy...that tastes like shit!" The store owner replies, "You took too big a lick." ... What is the definition of Jewish foreplay??? Four hours of begging!!! ... Why are men smarter and women more talkative? Because the men have two heads and the women have four lips! ... Why were a disproportionate number of black soldiers killed in Vietnam? Because when the sergeant hollered, "Get Down!" they started dancing. ... In the beginning, after God created the world and all the people, He noticed that everybody was just kind of standing around, as if nobody could think of anything to do. So God called a meeting of His Archangels and asked what the heck (so to speak) was going on. One of the angels, with great trepidation (you don't want to contra- dict the Boss when He's God), suggested that maybe the people would find life a little less boring if they had something like sex. You see, God had left out the sex organs. So God created a bunch of sex organs and gave them to the angels, and said, "Go distribute these to My Children." After a while, the angels came back and said, "There's another problem, Sir - You've given us 2 different kinds of organs; which is for which people?" And God said, Oh, just give the cunts to the stupid ones. ... "A DAY OFF" So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 48 days leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only 1 day avaliable for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!! ... A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the druggist if he had any condoms for sale. The druggist replied, "What kind do you want, the six-pack, nine-pack, or twelve-pack?" The guy said, "What's the difference?" The druggist replied, "The six-pack is the Catholic variety.....one for Monday, one for Tuesday.....until Saturday, and never on Sunday! The nine-pack is the Protestant pack.....one for each of the weekdays and twice on Saturday and Sunday. The twelve-pack is the Jewish pack...January, February, March........." ... Why do cowboys have brown moustaches? Looking for love in all the wrong places! A prostitute and a Koala Bear were in a bar having a few drinks. The prostitute says, "hey, little bear, wanna go upstairs for some fun?" The Koala bear quickly nods yes and off they go. Three hours later ( the little bear is pretty good) the Koala starts to leave. The prostitute says "wait a minute, you're supposed to pay me!" The Koala says, "yeah? Where's that written?" The Prostitute hands him a dictionary and says "right here. Look up prostitute." So the Koala looks it up and it says: Prostitute: person who performs sexual favors for money. Then the bear hands back the dictionary and says "yeah, look up Koala Bear," and he leaves. So the prostitute looks up Koala and finds: Koala: little bear who eats bush and leaves. ... What's a Mexican Feminist? One who insists on seats that face forward in the back of the pickup truck. ... A recently recruited luberjack was bemoaning the lack of female companionship at his new outpost in the North Woods. He asked the foreman what the other men do. The foreman replied "Up on the hill behind that shed is a barrel with a knothole in its side. Most of the guys use that" The lumberjack said he could never do that, and walked away. But, soon he changed his mind and late one night, headed up the hill. There, behind the shed, he found the barrel, and tried the knothole. To his surprise, he found it quite pleasant; in fact, very enjoyable. Over breakfast the next morning, he remarked to the foreman, "Say, that barrel is truly amazing! Does this mean that any night I want to, I can just go behind the shed and use that barrel?" "Any night but Thursdays," the foreman replied. "Why not Thursdays?" asked the lumberjack. The foreman replied "Cause Thursday's your night in the barrel!" ... This guy went to work in Saudi Arabia on an oil company contract, and when he got to the compound, the first thing he noticed was the lack of female-types. So he asked around, and was told to use the camel that's in the corral. Well, that sounded a little disgusting, so he went without for about 6 months, and then his hormones just got to be too much for him. So he sneaks out to the corral one night, and is in the middle of slapping the ol' meat to this camel, a crowd (presumably attracted by the noise) gathers 'round, and they're all laughing hystericallly. He gets a little upset by this, and says, hey, what the hell, was this some kind of setup? That's what they told me to do, use the camel. One of the other guys says, Yeah, well, most of us use her to ride on to the whorehouse in town! ... They dug up Mozart's grave (I don't remember why, they just did - literary license, I guess) and when they opened the coffin, he had a piece of sheet music and a big eraser, and was erasing frienziedly. They asked, "Hey, Wolfgang, whattaya doin'?" and he said, "I'm de-composing!" ... What do they call the Harlem branch of Toys-R-Us? We be toys 'n shit. ... A man came to the Convent, saying "I'm the Blind man, here to see the Mother Superior." A sister ran up to the Mother Superior's chamber, where she was taking a bath. "Hmmm, no, dont make him wait," she thought, "he's a blind man, I can see him here, no problem.." So the sister brings him to the bath... and he says "Nice tits, Mother... now where do you want the blinds hung?" ... There was this woman who had a german shepard and everytime she would bend over to do ANYTHING the dog would try and jump her and start to hump her. After about a week of this, and some rather embarressing situations, she took the dog to the Vet. She told the Vet the story and the Vet said "well, we could cut his nuts off and then he wouldn't have any sex drive left, and the dog would leave you alone" The lady, horrified, said "Doc, do we have to be that drastic, can't we just trim his nails and give him a breath mint?" ... This catholic girl goes out on her first date, and of course, her mother, being catholic, emphasizes that if she lets the guy fuck her she will burn in hell for all eternity. So when they go parking and the guy wants to do it she says no, she is afraid of burning in hell for all eternity, so he says how about a hand job. She asks what's that, and he explains, and she says, well, mom didn't say i'd burn in hell for eternity for doing that, so I guess it's OK. So she does it, and gets sperm all over everything, and when she gets home, her mom, who is waiting up to make sure she didn't do anything enjoyable, asks whats all this sperm all over you? She tells her mom what she did, and her mom almost has apoplexy and says, "You MUST go to CONFESSION RIGHT NOW and CONFESS your MOST GREVIOUS SIN, or you shall SURELY BURN in HELL for ETERNITY! When she gets back from confession, her mom, of course, wants to know every single detail of what went on - she says, the priest told me to go wash my hand in the holy water. Her mom, smugly, says, I bet you felt pretty guilty and shameful up in front of all those righteous folks, and she says, not really, mom - there was three other girls up there gargling. ... How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two, but I don't know how they got in there. ... HERE'S A SHORT THING FOR YOU COMPUTER USER'S - ACRONYMS of Computers Explained - Most hackers use the following acronyms without a thought about their derivation. To make things perfectly clear, the following is presented for the avid computer hacker: - ASCII.......American Standard Code of Interference Injection EBCDIC......Extended Binary-Coded Disastrous Interference Cause IBM.........Itty Bitty Machine CP/M........Confused Processing (of disk) Machinery DOS.........Disturbed Organization System - LANGUAGES - BASIC.......Beginners' All-Suspect Intelligence Confuser FORTRAN.....FORmula TRANsgression PASCAL......non-acronym, named after unknown French mathematician Irving Pascal (1687-1661) FORTH.......Hard To Remember Origin Facility (reverse- notation acronym) LISP........Logical Interleaving of Suspicious Parameters (for those with artificial intelligence instead of the real thing) LOGO........Lesser Ordering of Gross Observations ALGOL.......All Language Gone On Location instructions for non-existant computer - COMPONENTS - CPU.........Central Procrastinator Unit RAM.........Random Access Mistakes ROM.........Randomly-Ordered Mistakes EPROM.......Electrically-Positioned Randomly-Ordered Mistakes - Those wishing to know more should consult your friendly neighborhood computer salesperson. Cont END OF JOKES........