Welcome to the premier of GARGANTUA supplement! (causing a run in the fabric of the space-time continuum.) (contents (c) in their entirety by Danozano, and don't you forget it, except for excerpts of other copyrighted or uncopyrighted materials, which are used solely for the purposes of review, or parody, or a combination of the two. Don't sue, just talk to me if you see something you (hah) think came from somewhere else. I'll give credit where it's due. Write me on Digital Decay, 714-871-2057) -pass it out free all you like, but don't modify it or change it in any way please CAUTIONARY NOTE: Please use a viewer with a NON-proportionately spaced font, else some of the costly hi-tech 7-bit ASCII subtlety might be lost. Consider yourself warned. If you didn't understand that, go to someone who can help you run a _DOS Word Processor_, where the letters all stack neatly instead of typographing themselves like a book. Say it slowly and clearly, and maybe you too will bask in the glory of ascii dogs, but you probably wouldn't know what that might mean either, hmm? Foreword--------- At the request of certain individuals, I compiled a collection of the words that leak into and out of my brain. I hope to do this on a partially modified regular basis, meaning whenever i get enough material that needs writing, and encourage all comments and donations of articles, concepts, used cabbages, bread-bag tags, clothing tags, wrestling masks, and bits of rope, and anything else your fevered minds can dream of. Anything. You never know what will turn out to be important, after all. ----------------- "Thinking is a lot like moving furniture -- it's easier if you have someone helping you." -Dz. 1-25-95 PASTE ORIFICE written 1-95, polished 8-22-96 -------------------------------------------- Isn't it funny how, when the post office raises its rates, the people who faithfully collected their one-cent stamps for change from the vending machine have an easier time in the next months since they don't have to "follow the crowd" and go buy _new_ costlier postage stamps so soon? ...almost like saying, "Those faithful who deign to follow our holy edict and pay supplication with their saliva-tribute to the sacred 1c stamp, symbol of our services, bearer of the good news as well as the catastrophic, that which spirals toward the center of the stamp-roll and also outward unto the greater heavens, shall verily prosper in the coming days; they shall be called as the chosen unto the land, by virtue of their faith, and shall be spared from the fury of the vending machine. Furthermore, they shall save not their saliva for earthly gain, but as proof of their ethereal status, they shall cause it to come forth more than once upon the same envelope! and yea, i say unto thee gathered masses, in much the same way as those holy ones who flagellate themselves with the knotted cords, and those who rend their flesh with broken glass to bring about the divine ecstasy of the spirit, a stigma shall come unto these few and faithful, ordained by the Postmaster General, as follows: tiny cuts inflicted upon the tongue shall be profuse throughout the faithful ones, and shall be like unto a sign of great faith. For these followers of the way, they needs might lick a great number of stamps which are of a lesser denomination, and yet which portend good and hallowed greetings in a greater manner than the richer stamps which stick themselves unto the paper, as they are anointed with the saliva of a faithful collector of the tiniest stamp, with the life plasma of a BELIEVER. And yea, even as we bring forth a new order of automated postal services unto this fair land, and rend the letters of the infidels with renewed mechanical vigour, and verily gaze out upon the 'mature literature' which dost pass through our halls, we have the light upon us, and we shall call forth the ones who sanctify their bodies with the glue of the penny stamp even as it cleanses their own soul, and we shall bestow great tidings of fortune unto these who stray little from prostrating themselves before the humblest sigil of our true faith." well, _I_ think it works, at any rate. ==================== could a lesbian divorce with children involve galimony payments? ------------- a few anagrams for "We support a drug-free America" ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: (sorry, not all of 'em use all the letters, damn you purists to the hell you came from anyways) I composed this list absolutely clean -n- straight. i promise! TINS OF GRAPE WEED ARCADE! stoned Again dreamer weed fArmer stoned again weed farmerrr cstonedd again dread weed weed rats * means all the I feed rats on cramp weed letters got used. cram weed in rAts I ran a weed farm stoned A germ for decadent apes ape wits for a decade a term for deadening apes get in free on mars i get warped and free on mars i get a red car free on mars dump* get a car ride dump reef on mars get weed on mars carried fraud fraud cars get married on weed Arid cum farters raged on weed* D-cup reamers ra-ra gift on weed* A smurf paced grit on rare weed* surf it on a meager crap weed get me far on a super weird carp* Force strip a warped green man* ripe cats for warped green man* scrape it for warped green man* Acute grip of ape was murderer* water pipe crud for grease man* crude water pipe for nam sarge* crude water pipe for managers* hope ya liked 'em, it takes a lot of time to cut the stickers into all those individual letters and stick 'em on your car though! ----------- "Cranes mate for life. Men mate for two minutes." -Danozano ----- OVERHEARD QUOTE: (submit yours today, just talk loudly please) "I tried homosexuality, but i never swallowed!"-b.c. -------------- saw a few good bumper stickers this week: USE THINGS, LOVE PEOPLE (i like this one actually quite a lot) UFOs are real. . . .the AIR FORCE doesn't exist! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- and now, by special request for a double-jointed underage redhead, (is that your natural color, btw?) a treatise on MAGNETIC DOGS by Danozano ---------------- It is a well-known and empirically observable fact that dogs possess a strong intermittent magnetic field. This field might be polarized in one of two possible configurations at one point in time: / // / // \ / ==== \ / ==== (-) -----___/ ==/ (+) (+) -----___/ ==/ (-) / __ / / __ / \ / \_\ / \ / \_\ / // \\ // \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ (Fig. 1: Two different polarities) so that two dogs brought close together might tend to link either nose-to-nose (hereafter referred to as NtN), or nose-to-tail (NtT). The linking-configuration is sometimes observed to suddenly reverse polarity, much like an electrical circuit, so that a pair of NtN-linked dogs might spontaneously switch to NtT. This switch in polarity is reversible and appears to share certain elements with chaos theory, particularly a degenerate phase-3 oscillatory nonpattern which often persists unless the potential energy of the dogs decays into a stable attractor state. (+) (-) / // \\ \ \ / ==== ==== \ / (-) -----___/ ==/ \==. \___----- (+) / __ / / _ / \ / \_\ / /\_\ / -// // \\ // //--/ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ (Fig. 2. Nose-to-Nose (NtN) Linking.) (+) (-) / // / // \ / ====\ / ==== (-) -----___/ ==/ -----___/ ==/ (+) / __ / / __ / \ / \_\ / \ / \_\ / // \\ // \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ (Fig. 3. Nose-to-Tail (NtT) Linking.) No instances of tail-to-tail (TtT) linking under controlled conditions have been verified as of the publication of this paper, but new findings are coming to our attention almost daily. Please forward any information to us directly. --------------------------- from our French Connection files: Bill Griffith's mailing address (for those who don't know, this is the person behind the immense Zippy the Pinhead comics.) po 460154, San Francisco, CA 94146 This should be current, so send a scrap of paper with illegible words scrawled on it or a bread tag, or even an idea. He does occasionally use the ideas in his work, and gives you immortality through a brief mention of your first name if he does.) I am in no way affiliated with Bill Griffith, Zippy the Pinhead (resemblance notwithstanding), ZippyVision, Zippy(tm) brand Crackers-On-A-Stick, or _any_ other things whatsoever, utterly imagined or frighteningly realistic. ---------------------------- culture corner HOTLIX 805-773-1942 sells Cricket Lickit candy (clear lollipop with a *REAL* cricket inside!) and tequila-flavored pops with a jumbo mealworm frozen in time (and decay) in each one, and they'll be happy to tell you all about the nutritional data and maybe tell you which corner liquor store to find 'em in.. About $1.35. And be sure to get TWANG brand salt-and-citric-acid-in-a-tiny-plastic-envelope snacks, about a dime each, so don't go clubbing baby seals without an electrolytic replacement! Look especially up by the front counter in liquor stores that carry everything under the sun. Some brands are made in Mexico, some in the US, but who knows what you'll like? ---------------------------- ACRONYMS of the day: BTBIFRC Big-Titted Blonde In Fast Red Car DOM Doesn't Own a Mirror (or Dirty Old Man) ---------------------------- ...whew! that's it for this issue, if you liked it look for more soon! -danozano