HOW TO GET ACCESS TO PIRATE BBSs! By Jeff Gordon You say you're tired of paying for your games, right? You're tired of those awful call-back verifiers on shareware boards? You're sick of those terrible identification checks on adult boards that keep you from getting your .GIFs? You're fed up with grown-ups looking down on you all the time? If you match this description, the elite world is for you! But you say you can never find any good pirate boards to call? And when you do, they have nasty user voting programs that keep you out? Well this text file will try to shed some new light on those problems and hopefully you'll find yourself downloading warez in no time! Disclaimer: This document in no way guarantees that you will find your way onto pirate boards. But it's worth a try (anything's better than those hideous shareware Wildcat BBSs, right?). Step One: Find A Pirate Board This could possibly be the hardest part of your journey into the warez world. Finding a pirate board is always quite difficult. Usually, the only way to locate one is by word-of-mouth. So, try the following: þ See if anyone at your school is into computers and BBSs. If they are, chances are they are either already in the pirate scene or in the same boat as you. In the case of the former, lie, beg, cheat, steal, or do whatever you have to do to get that BBS number from him! In the case of the latter, try to sell this text file to him! A nice sum of $15 to $20 would do fine. þ Call teleconferencing boards. That way, you can talk to people right away and they are more likely to let a pirate BBS number slip out. Enter the teleconference and ask everyone, "So what boards do you call? I'm looking for a cool new board to check out." Somebody will more than likely say, "Call the Warez Palace at xxx-xxxx! Tell 'em Warezman sent ya!" þ Call a large BBS like Software Creations, PC-Exec, Rusty N Edies', or something like them. They get pirated files uploaded all the time - and sometimes the SysOp FORGETS to delete them! þ Another option is to call any local board and leave a message to the SysOp and on all of the major nets asking, "DoEs anYB0dY hAVe tHE nUm- bERz t0 s0mE eLItE b0arDz?" You'll get plenty of replies! þ If all else fails, you can give my house a call and ask me for some pirate board numbers. I have set up a special 1-800 line just for this task (though I will have to ask you for your phone number and home address before I can give you any of the BBS numbers). Call me anytime at 1-800-SPA-PIR8. Eventually, something is bound to work and you will have the number to an elite BBS. Voila! Step one is completed! Step Two: Getting Access To the Pirate Board Here's another hard step. Most elite BBSs have something called a NUV (or New User Voting). This means that current users of the BBS will look over your statistics and vote on whether or not you should be allowed onto the board. That means when you apply for the BBS, you should enter some really cool-sounding statistics! Let's go through some of the questions that you will be asked when applying for an elite board: "What's your alias?" Enter something that sounds really cool (never anything like LamerMan, Leecher, Pre-pubescant Virgin, etc.). Some good ideas to enter as your alias are Tempus Thales, RaD MaN, or Shihear Kallizad! "What's your real name?" They are just kidding around here. Just enter any- thing that sounds goofy like Leroy Brown. Everybody laughs about it later. "What's you phone number?" They're just pulling your leg again. They don't really care what your phone number is; there are no call-back verifiers or anything, so you don't have to worry. Enter something like 911-3735. "Who are two users that could verify you?" Since you don't know anybody in the elite scene yet, you're going to have to lie here. Just put something like Force Ten, CyberChrist, Black Spyrit, The Renegade Chemist, Razor Blade, or something along those lines. You're sure to get access now! "What are your latest downloads?" Grab a recent Egghead Software catalog (or any other comparable catalog) and find the newest, coolest-looking releases like Leisure Suit Larry 14 or Ultima MCMLXXVI. Enter them here and people will respect you! "What other boards do you call?" Just make something up - it's not like they're going to check. Enter things like Corrosive Poison, The Sanctuary, Alpha 2010, The Dark Palace, The Pit, Metal Works, etc.. These look very impressive but are probably in a different area code and nobody's going to spend the long-distance charges to validate you! Finally, the new user questionairre will ask you the definition of several elite terms. Here are three examples: PBX - Probably Back at Xmas (a term descibing when a game was due to be out but didn't get to BBSs until months later). PTG - Pirates Taste Good (a elite pornography group). RZR - Rare Zebra Rings (a zoological term concerning stripes on zebras that form rings; in this case, an RZR is something like 3D Studio that doesn't get pirated very often). These are probably the most common terms, though you will find others, as well. For the most part, just make something up. It's really just a place to see how creative you are. At last, all of the questions are done! But one last challenge lies ahead before you are sure to be validated - the message to the SysOp. When writing to the SysOp, remember that he is very powerful and has the deciding vote in letting you on the system. Make sure to include in your message: þ That the board looks really, really awesome and he must be an incred- ible SysOp to have made the BBS turn out so well. þ You are just calling for files (messages bases are considered "lame" because they are so widely used on shareware BBSs). þ You especially like .GIFs with donkeys in them (remember, the kinkier the better; they're not going to let any inexperienced little kid on their board). þ Mention that you are "senior staff" of several different groups such as ACiD, iCE, and Razor-1911. Nobody's going to take the time to check up on it but it looks really good. At the end of the message, sign your alias and next to it, put all of your affiliations. So, it will look like this: [ACiD/iCE/PTG/RZR/Iridium/Paradigm/TRSi/iNC/FLT/TRiBE/CCi] If you use up the entire line, just go ahead and go onto the next line. Then start entering random series of three- and four-letter acronyms with all of the i's in lower-case. Like this: [CiA, FBi, LAPD, NYPD, KGB, NiMH, DOT, DOD, HUD] ... etc. Don't go beyond the third like - that may be overkill (some SysOps don't mind at all but others find it offensive, like you're trying to "show off" all of your affiliations). Save the message and now users will vote on you! Call back the next day and check your access - you're sure to be let on and you can finally download all of the warez and .GIFs you can take!