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 *                                                                        *
 *   (AA)        *** HOW TO HAVE PHUN AT HOTELS ***       (AA)            *
 *                                                                        *
 *                By: Public Enemy                                        *
 *          Thanx To: John Fogerty and The Eight Ball Crew                *
 *                                                                        *
 *  In Association with: THE ANARCHIST ALLIANCE- "The Few, The Proud"     *
 *  Call: Suicidal Beat/ Condemmed Reality 1-618-397-7687                 *
 *                                         PW: 'New-Order'                *
 *  Special Thanx: Suicidal Maniac                                        *
 **************************************************************************

  -FORMATTED 80 COLUMNS- (or is it 40?  No, it's 80.)

      "Daddy I wanna go on a vacation, dammit" , the little spoiled shit says
to his overworked father.  "Let's got to Disneyworld, asshole!"  He says to his
father again.  "Fuck You, you little shit!"  his father replies "we're goin to
a fuckin Holiday Inn, so fuck You!"

       How many times has this happened to you, phreaks?  You wanna go
somewheres cool, and your parents want to waste their time goin to a Holiday
Inn (why? I don't know).  You try to get out of it.  You shove a can of
concentrated grape juice up your rectum, you go down to where the hookers hang
out hopin to get some kind of disease, or you hack FBI computers.  But alas, it
is to no avail.  They wanna sightsee cow country and you wanna party!  Well,
now phreaks, with this once in a lifetime phile you, yes you, can do both at
the same time.  How, you ask?  Read on...

        As the minority maid checks you into your room you get the feelin it's
gonna suck!  But you see the telephone bolted down to the table and you get
some good ideas.  So when your parents leave to check out the "well-groomed
grounds"  you get to work.  "Well whadda ya know.  There's a couple of old
fucks in the next room.  I know let's order every service in this handy book
they gave us!"  The pizzas, plumbers, maids, room-service, maintenance,
electricticans, fire department (fire department?  whoops, wrong phile!),
roto-rooter, etc. come knockin on their door every minute.  Congratulations!
You've had phun!

        You are now walkin down the hall of the hotel phreaks and it's 2 AM in
the mornin and your bored as hell!  (those old fucks didn't last long!)  But
what's this?  We've got whistle rockets in our hands!  What do we do with them?
We light em' and shove em under the door of unsuspecting dolts, or newlyweds
fuckin' their brains out.  BAM BAM BAM BAM WEEEEEEE!  Congratulations!  You've
had even more phun!

        Now comes my favorite part phreaks!  You know that Ice Machine at the
end of the hall!  Well get a bucket of it and wait at the top of the stairs.
When some civilians come a walkin up the stairs wind up and pelt em with the
ice.  Shit that hurts!  Other variations are if you're with a group you have
all out ice wars!  It's great.  The hotel is now a demilitarized zone!  Every
man for themself!  Or put it on the steps and when unsuspecitng clods (like
your parents!) come walking down.  WHOOPS!  CRASH! SHIT!  My buddies had hotel
security after us when we pulled this shit!
        "Son, why don't you check out the pool, it's soothing"  your father
says to you.  Sure, dad after they dumped fuckin 5 barrels of toxic waste
chlorine and about 8 little kids shit and pissed in it!  Well we might as well
have some phun here phreaks!  O.K., see all of those deck chairs and tables
that are sitting around the pool?  At night when nobody's there throw the
fuckers in!  One time I put a table under the diving board and this dude dove
off and landed in the water and hit his head on the table!  He came up bitchin
and holdin his head, but I split!  What's that, phreaks?  A sauna.  Go inside
and take a piss on the hot rocks!  The whole pool area will reak BIG TIME!
This has cleared pool areas out for hours!

        Gee Whiz!  This place has got a golf course.  What's a matter Dad?
Don't wanna play.  O.K., fuck you!  I'll go by myself!  Well when there's a
golf course there's gotta be golf carts, right phreaks?  Rent one and go
4-wheelin with it man!  Run over the sprinklers and break em.  When old people
are goin slow, give em a little push!  Really.  They'll appreciate it!  What's
this, a steep hill?  Floor it and slam on the breaks.  Repeat.  Repeat.
Repeat.  Repeat.  Now look at the hill.  Hey wasn't there grass there a while
ago?  Coulda sworn it!  Play Crash-Up-Derby with your friends!  Take em off the
golf course and slow up traffic on the road and crash into people.  When your
done, park em' in the Manager's Only Spot.  Neato!  Hey, this is gettin better!

        I'm gettin hungry phreaks.  Let's go down to the retaurant and order
about five beers!  There!  All full!  O.K., now we're walkin down the hall
again.  But what the hell is this in our hands?  Why it's a small, brown, paper
bag.  And look!  There just happens to be a can of shaving cream in it!  For
those of you who haven't figured it out already, what you do is you fill the
bag up with with the shaving cream, insert the opening of the bag under a
dude's door, and jump on it as hard as you can!  BLAP! (don't you just love my
sound effects?)  If you did it right (how could you fuck up?) you have just
propelled a large amount of shaving cream all over some poor guy's room!  If
you wanna be really cruel, use whip cream cause it will turn rancid by
morning!!

        Hey!  Look what I found!  A maid's cart!  WoW!  O.K., what you do is
you wait until the dumb broad goes in to clean a room (or rob the place.  Who
the hell knows?)  While she's in there suckin the place dry, you wheel that
thing down the hall and into the elevator.  Go up to the highest floor and push
the cart in front of the doors so they don't close to go back down.  (Note:
please don't press the STOP button, as that will trigger alarms all over hell
(unless, of course, it's 4:00 in the morning!))  Now when the dumb bitch comes
out, she can't find her cart anywheres!  That freakes em out big time!  Usually
they go bitch to the manager who calls hotel security (our pals from the ice
wars!)  But once, one of the dumb broads called the cops!  I can just see her
saying "Yeah, officer.  Somebody stole my maid's cart."  CLICK!  Or you could
be creative and leave ransom notes like "If you ever want to see you cart alive
again, leave $50,000 in small, unmarked bills in room 666 or else!"  Use your
imagination.  No Shit!

        Wanna ruin someones pleasent evening?  No.  Fuck You!  Yes.  Well check
this out!  If there's a spiffy restaurant where spiffy people hang out in
spiffy clothes and there about 15 spiffy people waitin for a spiffy table at
the fuckin spiffy-ass hotel do this.  Look at the wall.  See that red box that
says "Pull Only In Case Of Fire"?   Well pull it anyhow.  In addition to
clearing out the hotel and preventing many needless orgasms, you will have
effecitively wiped the restaurant out of business because state law requires
that the ovens shut down for 30 minutes because of gas and shit, even if it's a
prank.  (well wadda ya know! The cops can be our friends!)  Well if I can't eat
than nobody's eatin!  Fuck that!

        Shit!  It's checkout time!  We were havin so much phun!  I can't
believe it's over!  Well, when your parents go down to pay the manager, stick
around for a minute.  Just tell them you want to get a last look at the room
that provided you with so many happy memories of adolescence.  Bullshit!  Steal
everything man.  I mean everything!  Take the lightbulbs out of the lamps
(hell, while you're at it, take the lamps!)  Take the ashtrays, the curtains,
the pillows, the pictures off the walls, the smoke alarm.  When you've gotten
your ill-gotten booty close the door behind you and put superglue in the lock!
And when your walkin down the hall to your car, push one of those shitty maid
carts over of better yet, push it down the stairs!  As you walk past the
manager's desk, chat with him a while about how great this place was and that
sou're gonna invite all your friends!  That's a good way to break his day, not
to mention his managerial career!

        "Well, at this time I'm at the end of my rhyme."  Yes, phreaks and
folks, this it it.  The end of the line for you.  Watch out for Hotel Phun II
coming to a local Fed trap near you!  Tell me about your cosmic and mellow
experiences at Hotels.  You can mail me at Demon Roach Underground or Condemmed
Reality or anywhere else you feel like.  If you're ever in town, stay the fuck
away from me, cause your probably a Fed!  Later, dudez!

CALL THESE BEAUTIUS BOARDS:
           -CONDEMMED REALITY/SUICIDAL BEAT: 1-618-397-7687
           -DEMON ROACH UNDERGROUND: 1-806-794-4362
               -PW: THRASH   NUSER: How the fuck should I know?
           -INFINITY'S EDGE: 1-805-683-2725
           -THE CONVENT: 1-619-475-6187  PW: FIRE

Typed by: PUBLIC ENEMY with: THE ANARCHIST ALLIANCE (AA)
