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                 |    .__|upermarket  |  un    |
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                            By:  <==-007-==>



                 The first in a series of "Fun"
                 philes....Next: Sibling Fun....


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


        Now, on with this damn phile, eh?

        As some of you might have already guessed, this phile will
tell you all about how to have loads of fun in any supermarket or
grocery store.  There are many different things to do in a
supermarket that will provide entertainment as well as pissing
off people in general.  First, though, you should get some
friends to increase the entertainment value of the whole excursi-
on, as well as to provide even more destruction.

        I've found that you can get away with a lot of things
(playing chase throughout the aisles, playing soccer or football
with various perishables, etc.) and no one will say anything.  If
anyone does say anything, do the kindly anarchist thing and tell
them to fuck off.

        Ok.  One very fun thing to do is fuck with the shopping
carts themselves.  You can fill up many carts and then strew them
all around the store, for example.  I'm sure that almost every
employee just loves to spend their time ridding the store of the
bogus carts you created.  Or maybe you would rather gather ten or
so carts and then make barriers in aisles when no one is look-
ing.  Wouldn't you like to hear "Um...Frank..someone seems to
have made a collection of carts in aisle four, so could you clean
it up please, thank you..." announced over the loudspeaker system
of your nearest Giant or Safeway?  Or you can have your very own
shopping cart drag races in the frozen food section.  Perhaps
you're one of the more destructive types.  If you are, then
"bumper carts" is just for you.  Just smash the carts into one
another and relive those magic childhood moments at the carnival.
One VERY funny stunt that produces great results is fucking with
other people's carts.  Just go around throwing things into carts
when the owner is not looking.  "Wait a minute..where the hell
did this damn watermellon come from?!  I hate watermellons."
Doing that can greatly confuse a person, so go ahead, make
someone think they're goin' crazy!

        Another fun thing to do at a grocery store is, of course,
playing with the food.  See how many times you and a friend can
throw toilet paper over aisle eight without hitting anyone.  You
can always go for 'distance' by throwing fruits or vegetables
over as many aisles as possible.  Or perhaps you would rather
test your bowling skills.  Just stack up anything handy (paper
towles, cans, plastic soda bottles, etc.) and roll any sphere
like object at it (melons, or perhaps a can of Kool Aid?)  You
could always play a quick game of basketball.  Just set up an
empty cart and find something that bounces (or doesn't), then go
for those three point shots.  In fact, almost every major sport
(except water pollo, but that's not a major sport, now is
it?) can be played with ease at your closest supermakert or
grocery store.

        Pissing off the employees is also entertaining.  I'm sure
you can think of many ways to do this, but try the following.
Trying to buy alcohol if you're under age (insist that you
aren't!), shouting obscenities, eating 'bulk' food right out of
the container, dropping (accidently of course!) a few glass
bottles, going down to where the employees eat and just sit at
the table, and also try to buy nine packs of gum in the '8 items
or less' lane.  You could also try loitering, just sit at the
magazine rack and catch up on your reading.  Another fun thing to
do is to keep bugging an employee hard at work.  I'm sure an
employee would appreciate it if you dragged him from his task
just so you could buy one red hot from the bulk food section.

        Yet another entertaining thing to do is cause the store to
lose customers.  The easiest way to do this is to just buy
something so you and a friend can get in line.  Then look at what
the person ahead of you is getting and tell you friend that
"whatever the next person has" was laced with poison or something
to that effect.

        Oh, here's yet another entertaining thing to do.  Go outside
the store and look for carts that are full and just sitting there
with no on by them (the owner has gone to get his/her car).
When you have found such a cart, take some bags or better yet,
take the whole cart.  Now you have a weeks worth of free grocer-
ies.  So get some friends together and have a party (what else
would you do with six bags of food?)  If the owner suddenly
appears while you are "buying" your groceries, just push the cart
as hard as you can at him/her and take off.  If you are lucky
enough two find two of these carts, then you can have some real
fun.  Just start taking things out of one cart and chuck it in
the other, better yet, just exchange bags!  Then sit back and
watch the confussion.  Although the people probably won't notice
the difference until they get home and unpack.  Don't you wish
you could see their reaction?!  Oh, you could also just take
someones cart and move it down a bit...that way you could see
their reaction and that would of course increase your enjoyment.

        A vast amount of fun can be had in the frozen food section.
Just take some frozen products or ice cream and put them in one
of those desrted isles so they can thaw out.  After that, cruise
over to where ever the food coloring is kept and snag some.  Then
go back to frozen foods and find some nice ice cream.  Now just
open up ice cream containers and put about thirty drops of red
(or whatever color) food coloring in 'em.  Wouldn't YOU be
surprised if you opened up a half gallon of vanilla ice cream
at home and found red swirls and patches in it??

        Do you want to get people in trouble?  Then you can have
lots of fun screwing with the prices of things.  You can take
some steaks and throw 'em into the "reduced food section".  Most
people are stupid and would jump at the chance to get a turkey
for a few bucks.  Or, you could just take a large marker into the
store with you and write "5 cents" on everything you see.  Write
it on donut boxes, cereal boxes, soda bottles, or anything you
see.

        My last topic is everyone's favorite, taking what is not
rightfully yours (shoplifting, dumbass)  It's surprisingly simple
to lift things from grocery stores.  I'm not going to give you a
shoplifting tutorial here though, if you need to read a phile to
learn how to lift, you're an idiot.  Also, you can eat things
right in the store if you want.  Just take your snack to a
deserted aisle and then satisfy your stomach.  Of course, the
only thing you could steal from Giant is food (or those cheap
plastic toys aften found in grocery stores, but why would you
want those?), and since a box of cereal is a bit to obvious under
one's shirt, I suggest candy.  But go ahead and take what you
want, I couldn't give a shit.

        Well, I was wrong, I have one more thing I want to tell you
about (gee I'm tricky...)  Ok, have you ever seen those swinging
double-doors in the back near the meat??  These doors can lead
you to loads of fun.  Back there they store all their excess
until they have room for it.  So you can go back there and fuck
around like crazy (if anyone asks you what the hell you're doing
back there, just say you're going to the bathroom, the bathrooms
are ALWAYS back there somewhere), doing whatever the hell you
want.  Try rearranging anything you may find back there.  Go
ahead, screw up their inventory!

        Well, I hope you have all learned something from this
tutorial on how to fuck with your grocery store.  Oh, and I
>>>am<<< responsible for whatever actions you may take as a
result of reading this phile.  When you get in trouble, just go
ahead and say 007 told you to do it.  Of course, if you're good
you never get in trouble (or even worry about getting in trouble)
As you can see, I just really don't give a shit!  Look for my
next phile, Sibling Fun.  This phile will tell you how to abuse
and fuck with your younger brother or sister just for the hell of
it or to gain profit.  Oh yeah, don't forget to watch Late Night
With David Letterman this summer...(hell, I watch it during
school time)  Until then..................


<==-007-==>



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[3] Tfiles: (1-8,?,Q) : ?


Fun at the...

 1: Phun at the Mall
 2: Phun at the Mall ][
 3: Supermarket Fun
 4: Fun at your School
 5: 81 Ways to Trash your School
 6: Phun at the Airport
 7: Phun at the Hotel
 8: Miscellaneous Nastiness

[3] Tfiles: (1-8,?,Q) : 6

       /------------------------/
      /                        /
     /  Airport Phun          /
    /                        /
   /   or, How To Fly The   /
  /    Phriendly Skies     /
 /                        /
/------------------------/


     Airports are about the most blatantly unorganized places of business one
could ever imagine. They are on the brink of shutting down. The minute the FAA
gets wind of how many actual near misses there have been, how many total hours
late all the planes have ben all year, and how many thousands of bags have been
lost or damaged, they wikl have a hissy-fit. But dear old daddy-raygun has
padded things up with red tape to the point that it might take a couple years
for commissions to get their reports out.

     For the sake of making airports safer, I say we help them rip themselves
apart from the insides. Let's bring these bureaucrats to their knees.

     Some rent-a-car booths have shredders. Fill them up by putting all their
brochures in.

     Use the reservation fones to get 15 or 20 rooms at every hotel in the area.
Use someone else's credit card to guarantee it all night. This gives them sold
out status til they find out they had 30 unsold rooms.

     Call 4 or 5 cabs to the airport all going to the same place. They're
extremely competitive and won't give up for half an hour or more. They might
even fight with each other.

     Most airport payfones'll receive calls so no one is stuck there. Call for a
lot of fonesex return calls.

     If you can get to the microphone room you can make lots of rude or subtle
announcements. Start out by checking the flight schedules and tell people the
sign is stuck, but their flight is a half hour late. 40 people missing a plane
could be quite interesting. Chances are the pilot'll sit there and they'll be
really late for their destination.

     Then announce that a plane was cancelled. Hehehe. They'll all go to book
the next open flight. Those that don't explain why they're switching might empty
the whole plane out.

     If you see a really late flight, make a reservation for Michael Hunt. A
competitor will try paging Mike Hunt, or "My cunt" over the PA system offering
an earlier flight hoping to get his traitor-esque business.

     Make up a name like Russ Stover and tell the clerk they lost your luggage.
Insist that you were on such and such a flight and their computer must be
screwed up. They'll go crazy trying to track your lost luggage.

     Find out the numbers of all the rent-a-car booths and have them all either
forwarded to Avis, or forwarded into the restaurant.

     Fake a telefone conversation over the PA system between a drunk pilot and
an extremely abusive boss: "Just get some coffee and you'll be fine for the next
flight. It's a half hour from now."

     Touch up all the rep-numbers for the AAA, Amex, and Citibank applications.
The people that put up the cards are on commissions. Someone else'll get the
bonus if you change a 4 to a 9 or a 5 to an 8.

     Leave the restaurant hunched over holding your stomach and sticking your
tongue out. Wait a few minutes before making gagging noises. Maybe you'll get a
bystander to throw up. At any rate sales weill be down in there for hours; maybe
days. This works especially well with 5 or 6 sick people walking out.

     Find out the name of a pilot scheduled for the next flight and call in
zsick for him. Or call in as his wife and say he's needed at home immediately.

     Fake a fone convo over the PA between a maintenance guy and a palne's
super. "We are out of 14 gauge washers to hold the right wing together."

     "Use silver duct tape. We need that plane in half an hour."

     Get in line and demand your money back under an assumed name. They'll have
fun tracking Emilio Esteves's reservation. This works especially good if you
don't mind waiting thru a fairly long line. It'll tie up all the poeple behind
you, making the line even more unberaable for the last guy.

     Bomb threats don't work so good any more because they took out all the
lockers and stuff, but call up one of the clerks as some passenger's father
requesting that he be reminded to take his AIDS medication.

     Cut out 10% rent-a-car coupons and stuff them in the ATM machine. It'll eat
them and won't let anyone use it for a day or two.

     Grab a fone book andt yake out flight insurance for all kinds of people.
They'll spend all sorts of money sending out cover letters to each household.

     Cross out all the hotels, cabs, and restaurants phone numbers in the
fonebooks.

     Call the police saying there's a fight in the lobby of the airport.

     If there's a public TV, put it on the Playboy channel. This works best in
prime time.

     M-80's can be flushed down the toilets for a really positive flood effect.

     Find someone famous that you look an awful lot like. Then call and have him
paged. They'll come give you the pone. Have a pleasant convo with yourself.
Rumors will fly.

     Take all the Jehovah's witness magazines off all the chairs and flush them
down the toilet. (Or, better yet, shred them.)

     Dress like a baggage handler and deliver all the suitcases to the wrong
planes. Or at least get in there and swap nametags.

     Go to the baggage claims and take people's stuff and drop em off for the
next flight out.

     Some rent-a-car booths have a pad of state maps that you can tear off for
yourself. Crazyglue them all together.

     Crazyglue a quarter to the floor. Drives people insane.

     Pour mineral oil on the waiting-room seats. You don't even see it's there.
Looks really good on business suits.

     Put Hustler magazine pictures in the lenses of those "quarter-a-look"
binoculars.

     Take all the newspapers out of the honor boxes and make them available to
everyone free. Or if you're terribly ambitious, sell them for half price.

     Vaseline all the toilet seats. Makes people uncomfortable all day.

     Bring in a camera and say you're press and you're there to greet the vice
president of the United States. Rumors are sure to fly.

     Fake a fone convo over the PA between some dizzy stewardess and her
girlfriend back home: "You'd better check yourself out. He did me up last night,
and now I think I have AIDS. And can you tell Andrea, Paul, Beth, Laurie, and
Wanda for me? I don't think I'll be near a fone for a few hours."




A Prime Anarchist Production


[6] Tfiles: (1-8,?,Q) : 7

 **************************************************************************
 *                                                                        *
 *   (AA)        *** HOW TO HAVE PHUN AT HOTELS ***       (AA)            *
 *                                                                        *
 *                By: Public Enemy                                        *
 *          Thanx To: John Fogerty and The Eight Ball Crew                *
 *                                                                        *
 *  In Association with: THE ANARCHIST ALLIANCE- "The Few, The Proud"     *
 *  Call: Suicidal Beat/ Condemmed Reality 1-618-397-7687                 *
 *                                         PW: 'New-Order'                *
 *  Special Thanx: Suicidal Maniac                                        *
 **************************************************************************

  -FORMATTED 80 COLUMNS- (or is it 40?  No, it's 80.)

      "Daddy I wanna go on a vacation, dammit" , the little spoiled shit says
to his overworked father.  "Let's got to Disneyworld, asshole!"  He says to his
father again.  "Fuck You, you little shit!"  his father replies "we're goin to
a fuckin Holiday Inn, so fuck You!"

       How many times has this happened to you, phreaks?  You wanna go
somewheres cool, and your parents want to waste their time goin to a Holiday
Inn (why? I don't know).  You try to get out of it.  You shove a can of
concentrated grape juice up your rectum, you go down to where the hookers hang
out hopin to get some kind of disease, or you hack FBI computers.  But alas, it
is to no avail.  They wanna sightsee cow country and you wanna party!  Well,
now phreaks, with this once in a lifetime phile you, yes you, can do both at
the same time.  How, you ask?  Read on...

        As the minority maid checks you into your room you get the feelin it's
gonna suck!  But you see the telephone bolted down to the table and you get
some good ideas.  So when your parents leave to check out the "well-groomed
grounds"  you get to work.  "Well whadda ya know.  There's a couple of old
fucks in the next room.  I know let's order every service in this handy book
they gave us!"  The pizzas, plumbers, maids, room-service, maintenance,
electricticans, fire department (fire department?  whoops, wrong phile!),
roto-rooter, etc. come knockin on their door every minute.  Congratulations!
You've had phun!

        You are now walkin down the hall of the hotel phreaks and it's 2 AM in
the mornin and your bored as hell!  (those old fucks didn't last long!)  But
what's this?  We've got whistle rockets in our hands!  What do we do with them?
We light em' and shove em under the door of unsuspecting dolts, or newlyweds
fuckin' their brains out.  BAM BAM BAM BAM WEEEEEEE!  Congratulations!  You've
had even more phun!

        Now comes my favorite part phreaks!  You know that Ice Machine at the
end of the hall!  Well get a bucket of it and wait at the top of the stairs.
When some civilians come a walkin up the stairs wind up and pelt em with the
ice.  Shit that hurts!  Other variations are if you're with a group you have
all out ice wars!  It's great.  The hotel is now a demilitarized zone!  Every
man for themself!  Or put it on the steps and when unsuspecitng clods (like
your parents!) come walking down.  WHOOPS!  CRASH! SHIT!  My buddies had hotel
security after us when we pulled this shit!
        "Son, why don't you check out the pool, it's soothing"  your father
says to you.  Sure, dad after they dumped fuckin 5 barrels of toxic waste
chlorine and about 8 little kids shit and pissed in it!  Well we might as well
have some phun here phreaks!  O.K., see all of those deck chairs and tables
that are sitting around the pool?  At night when nobody's there throw the
fuckers in!  One time I put a table under the diving board and this dude dove
off and landed in the water and hit his head on the table!  He came up bitchin
and holdin his head, but I split!  What's that, phreaks?  A sauna.  Go inside
and take a piss on the hot rocks!  The whole pool area will reak BIG TIME!
This has cleared pool areas out for hours!

        Gee Whiz!  This place has got a golf course.  What's a matter Dad?
Don't wanna play.  O.K., fuck you!  I'll go by myself!  Well when there's a
golf course there's gotta be golf carts, right phreaks?  Rent one and go
4-wheelin with it man!  Run over the sprinklers and break em.  When old people
are goin slow, give em a little push!  Really.  They'll appreciate it!  What's
this, a steep hill?  Floor it and slam on the breaks.  Repeat.  Repeat.
Repeat.  Repeat.  Now look at the hill.  Hey wasn't there grass there a while
ago?  Coulda sworn it!  Play Crash-Up-Derby with your friends!  Take em off the
golf course and slow up traffic on the road and crash into people.  When your
done, park em' in the Manager's Only Spot.  Neato!  Hey, this is gettin better!

        I'm gettin hungry phreaks.  Let's go down to the retaurant and order
about five beers!  There!  All full!  O.K., now we're walkin down the hall
again.  But what the hell is this in our hands?  Why it's a small, brown, paper
bag.  And look!  There just happens to be a can of shaving cream in it!  For
those of you who haven't figured it out already, what you do is you fill the
bag up with with the shaving cream, insert the opening of the bag under a
dude's door, and jump on it as hard as you can!  BLAP! (don't you just love my
sound effects?)  If you did it right (how could you fuck up?) you have just
propelled a large amount of shaving cream all over some poor guy's room!  If
you wanna be really cruel, use whip cream cause it will turn rancid by
morning!!

        Hey!  Look what I found!  A maid's cart!  WoW!  O.K., what you do is
you wait until the dumb broad goes in to clean a room (or rob the place.  Who
the hell knows?)  While she's in there suckin the place dry, you wheel that
thing down the hall and into the elevator.  Go up to the highest floor and push
the cart in front of the doors so they don't close to go back down.  (Note:
please don't press the STOP button, as that will trigger alarms all over hell
(unless, of course, it's 4:00 in the morning!))  Now when the dumb bitch comes
out, she can't find her cart anywheres!  That freakes em out big time!  Usually
they go bitch to the manager who calls hotel security (our pals from the ice
wars!)  But once, one of the dumb broads called the cops!  I can just see her
saying "Yeah, officer.  Somebody stole my maid's cart."  CLICK!  Or you could
be creative and leave ransom notes like "If you ever want to see you cart alive
again, leave $50,000 in small, unmarked bills in room 666 or else!"  Use your
imagination.  No Shit!

        Wanna ruin someones pleasent evening?  No.  Fuck You!  Yes.  Well check
this out!  If there's a spiffy restaurant where spiffy people hang out in
spiffy clothes and there about 15 spiffy people waitin for a spiffy table at
the fuckin spiffy-ass hotel do this.  Look at the wall.  See that red box that
says "Pull Only In Case Of Fire"?   Well pull it anyhow.  In addition to
clearing out the hotel and preventing many needless orgasms, you will have
effecitively wiped the restaurant out of business because state law requires
that the ovens shut down for 30 minutes because of gas and shit, even if it's a
prank.  (well wadda ya know! The cops can be our friends!)  Well if I can't eat
than nobody's eatin!  Fuck that!

        Shit!  It's checkout time!  We were havin so much phun!  I can't
believe it's over!  Well, when your parents go down to pay the manager, stick
around for a minute.  Just tell them you want to get a last look at the room
that provided you with so many happy memories of adolescence.  Bullshit!  Steal
everything man.  I mean everything!  Take the lightbulbs out of the lamps
(hell, while you're at it, take the lamps!)  Take the ashtrays, the curtains,
the pillows, the pictures off the walls, the smoke alarm.  When you've gotten
your ill-gotten booty close the door behind you and put superglue in the lock!
And when your walkin down the hall to your car, push one of those shitty maid
carts over of better yet, push it down the stairs!  As you walk past the
manager's desk, chat with him a while about how great this place was and that
sou're gonna invite all your friends!  That's a good way to break his day, not
to mention his managerial career!

        "Well, at this time I'm at the end of my rhyme."  Yes, phreaks and
folks, this it it.  The end of the line for you.  Watch out for Hotel Phun II
coming to a local Fed trap near you!  Tell me about your cosmic and mellow
experiences at Hotels.  You can mail me at Demon Roach Underground or Condemmed
Reality or anywhere else you feel like.  If you're ever in town, stay the fuck
away from me, cause your probably a Fed!  Later, dudez!

CALL THESE BEAUTIUS BOARDS:
           -CONDEMMED REALITY/SUICIDAL BEAT: 1-618-397-7687
           -DEMON ROACH UNDERGROUND: 1-806-794-4362
               -PW: THRASH   NUSER: How the fuck should I know?
           -INFINITY'S EDGE: 1-805-683-2725
           -THE CONVENT: 1-619-475-6187  PW: FIRE

Typed by: PUBLIC ENEMY with: THE ANARCHIST ALLIANCE (AA)

[7] Tfiles: (1-8,?,Q) : ?


Fun at the...

 1: Phun at the Mall
 2: Phun at the Mall ][
 3: Supermarket Fun
