The following story does not use either Jihad or League members. It owes much of its universe to Douglas Adams and the Hitchhiker's Series. As for the title, I did not intend the title to be such, but since I used it in the story itself, I figured I might as well use it. Mind the Reader, I am not a writer, But I hope you enjoy this work (If you have any constructive critical assessment I would appreciate them. Flames? Ignored.) The Day the Dinosaur Fell From the Sky (Appended) Prostenic Vogan Jeltz eyed the viewscreen contentedly. Even writing poetry did not give him as much pleasure as watching the purple thing the Earth people called 'Barney the Dinosaur'. In fact he was falling in love with the amorphous purple blob after his love affair had broken down. He could still hear the lovely howls and gargles of his ex-love from when they parted, but somehow he loved the tone of the purple blob's voice. Soooo melodious. Outside, the Dentrassi servant grumbled to himself. He hated to go onto Jetlz's Bridge, especially since they had begun to get those horrid transmissions outside the solar system of this insignificant little yellow sun. Over and over, Jeltz kept humming THAT song. Ugh. Why did he lose that bet?! He steeled himself in front of the door. It opened. I LUV U, U LUV ME . . . came the horrid incantation. He nearly vomited as Jeltz and his crew sang in disharmony with the words. "Dentrani, sing with me," Jeltz gurgled. There was no greater humiliation than to be force to sing THOSE words, Dentrani thought. It was bad enough that Barney was the most horrid word in the Dentrassi language. In fact several curses using that insipid had sprung up around the Galaxy within the Dentrassi Net(tm). Access: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (tm): Barney: a purple amorphous blob faintly resembling an ancient creature from the Planet Earth (see Earth) Caution is recommended in dealing with anything relating to this creature. It has been reported that the transmissions received by any communications equipment, particularly equipment either with, or connected to robotic entities with GPP (Genuine People Personalities, see Sirius Cybernetics Corporation: GPP Project) have suffered systemic failures or have been turned into useless slag. There are reports that in some extreme cases that robots have begun singing a 'virus song' (tm) which affects all know life forms in the Galaxy (see Virus song(tm)). In such instances the robots had to be destroyed in order to save the population of the planet. In all known lifeforms, the Barney Effect(tm) caused by any and all exposure to Barney or particularly his song is nearly 100% fatal unless drastic measures are taken to counteract the effects. (see further Barney Effect(tm)). Some of the key symptoms though, are an insatiable urge to sing in disharmony (particularly the words I Luv U), to hug people out of Luv (see Luv) as opposed to love, and to eat healthy snack for no other reason except to please Barney. Two races in the galaxy are especially effected by Barney. The Vogons and the Dentrassi. The Vogons who are the only species in the Galaxy who actually like and APPRECIATE Barney, having elevated him and his songs to demi-godhood, have written several million verses of poetry in Barney's honor. It has been speculated by many scientists that the Vogons have a special filtering device in their brains that actually allows them to appreciate even the most horrid sounds in the Galaxy. The Dentrassi hate Barney. There is one sure way to make even the most easy-going Dentrassi angry. Call him a Barney. DO NOT, under any circumstance, call a Dentrassi a Barney. It is the only insult that can only be expunged by death. After several anguishing minutes, Dentrani exited the Bridge. "JELTZ MUST DIE," thought Dentrani. It was bad enough he was forced to bring Healthy Snacks to Jeltz (to honor Barney). He could tolerate listening to THAT song (even if it came from several Vogons at once). He could even allow such an insult as singing. But never, NEVER could he let Jeltz hug him while saying "I Luv U Dentrani" without retribution. Dentrassi honor was at stake. The Earth loomed on the viewscreen. Jeltz pondered his actions. The Hyperspacial Expressway could not be delayed. But he had found his hero. He couldn't let HIM just die. What to do. . . . "Blortp. Lock onto the following coordinates and beam the things there onto the ship" "Yes Sir." Items around the world's toy stores and video shops suddenly disappeared. A large amorphous blob shimmered and faded from a secret TV studio. . . and appeared next to Jeltz. "Where am I ?" cried the puzzled creature. "I am not worthy to address you, your purpleness, but I am Prostenic Vogan Jeltz, and I have rescued you and your message to spread throughout the galaxy." "Are there children?" "More than can be imagined." "Are there adults?" "Of every race that can be imagined." "Any Jihaddi?" the purple blob said in a soft voice eyeing the bridge for possible attackers. "No, they will perish with the Earth." A glint formed in Barney's eye, "Let's Rock! Let me push the button!! Let me push the button!!! I LUV U!!" Of course on another part of the ship, Dentrani knew that Barney was aboard. Nothing could escape Dentrassi Net(tm). And it wasn't like Jeltz could even contemplate the simplest of plans in the Dentrassi Net(tm). It wasn't even a sure bet, Jeltz or any Vogon knew there was a Dentrassi Net(tm). Access: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (tm): The Dentrassi Net(tm) is perhaps the foremost organization in the Galaxy. Capable of acting in any one of many roles. It is said that if a project is marked TOP SECRET, you can go to Dentrassi Net(tm) and find a technical manual of the project, complete with schematics, access codes and full color pictures of the finished project for a nominal fee. A working model of the project can be found in a Dentrassi Net warehouse for an additional service charge. In fact the Net is so comprehensive, that when they first discovered the hated Barney (see Barney) and discovered its effects, the Net massed an entire fleet against the hideous purple menace. However cooler heads prevailed, and an elaborate plan to destroy the beast and all its minions with minimal losses was formed. This plan is of course TOP SECRET, but will be provided by the Dentrassi Net after the plan has been carried out in a best selling novel called "The Day the Dinosaur Fell from the Sky." Dentrani looked around the Dentrassi Net Field Command Center(tm). He thought of the last report from Field Operative Ford Prefect. The Earth had finally done it. Why else had the entry been changed from 'harmless' to 'mostly harmless.' The guide was afraid that if they reported the Earth had started the purple menace, widespread panic would ensue and the Dentrassi Net(tm) plans would be in jeopardy. Quiet destruction was the best option. "Soon. Very soon," thought Dentrani. A small light flickered on his command chair. "OK, everybody. Let's get this rolling." In sitting in the captain's chair was Barney. Jeltz had given his idol charge of the final destruction of the Earth. "Silly Jihaddi, I Luv U. Too bad my friends have to go with you, but you have to crack some eggs to make a omelet," gloated the purple blob. Targeting Devices slowing found their aim, glowing a deep red while beeping furiously to be allowed to give deadly eyes to the demolition beams. Barney's eyes gleamed with the prospective destruction. "Turn on the Speakers." Barney disharmoniously sung. "Speakers on, your purpleness" cried the communications officer. "Start THE song." Barney giggled. "Song started" Barney's voice filled Bridge. "Hello Everybody. This is your favorite Dinosaur, Barney." Barney Laugh his annoying laugh. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm here to help my good friends build a Hyperspace Freeway . . ." "Uh . . . Hyperspacial Expressway, your purpleness." corrected Jeltz timidly. "Whatever!" Barney growled quietly at Jeltz, "Never contradict me on the air!" "Anyway, I here to help my friend the Vogons build a beautiful Hyperspace Byway so that all my other friends from around the galaxy can come through anytime. I'm sure all my friends on Earth will understand that I can't bring them with me, and that they're going to die right here on the Earth so that I can have new friends for them all over the galaxy. I'm sorry Mikie Crawford. I'm sorry Damien. I'm sorry to all my friends who defended me against that silly Jihad." (insert favorite maniacal voice) Barney began to laugh maniacally "And as for you, you silly Jihad, I Luv You . . . NOT. You really thought you could defeat me?! You thought, YOU . . . could destroy . . . ME?!!! I AM BARNEY, HEAR ME ROAR. . . . A HA HAH HAHH HAHHH HAH HAH HAH . . .) Access: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (tm): Vacuum: It is a well known fact that a vacuum is essentially the absence of a medium such as air. It is equally well known that sound does not travel through a vacuum. The Dentrassi Net Field Command Center(tm) filled with laughter. The ship was still in orbit. Of course the Dentrassi had taped Barney's blathering for later use for Despongification purposed on Earth. Dentrassi Net owed The Jihad and League a least a couple of laughs and when the Sponges heard that Barney was going to destroy them, the sponges would either realize the evil Barney had been or collapse in a disbelieving heap. "Yo! Dentrani!" called the Dentrassi Splicer from his station, " you want this on Barney's worst hits or should we keep this as a Blooper Reel." "Not now Scorinni, just keep it in storage till after the mission." "OK Boss, just trying to lighten things up." "They're starting the power up sequence. Dentrani," came the female Dentrassi voice from directly ahead, " That Purple Gargle Blaster(tm) doesn't pull any punches either. It's a wonder the ship doesn't blow with all the poor maintenance. If you hadn't thought to set up those energy siphons to make sure the excess didn't cause a major failure through the Vogon shipboard systems we'd have to waste our own energy." "What's the reading on their gauges Dentrana." "Two Hundred percent". "Real?" " 'bout 1 percent, just enough to make it seem like they're really doing something. . . . Wait. They're preparing to fire." Barney's eyes narrowed. He flicked open the 'fail-safe' switch and caressed the trigger mechanism that slowly emerged from the chair. The mechanism locked in place to the Purple Destroyer's humming. "Are we ready yet?" growled Barney impatiently. "Reading two hundred ten percent." "Can't you get anymore?" "That's as much as we can get your purpleness." "I guess it will have to do. Bye, Bye Jihad. Bye, Bye League. This will be a lesson for anyone else who won't let me luv them." Barney squeezed the trigger. Beams filled the viewscreen as they lanced towards the helpless planet. "BOOM!" yelled Barney "BOOM!" "Play it again, this time with my SONG." "Yes your purpleness" The Bridge filled with the horrid sound of Barney and exploding planets. "I love seeing that movie over and over again don't you Dentrani. I'm glad Ford rented it so we could use it to splice into the Vogon sensor array." The main viewscreen of the Dentrassi Net Field Command Center(tm) showed the quiet blue planet still lazily traveling along its orbit towards another day. A side screen showed a young man holding a short silvery metal tube with a light beam coming out one end, an old man watching over him. "We still have work Dentrana." "I know Dentrani, just remember, you promised we could go check out Earth after we're finished." "OK, OK. What are they doing now" "Wellll, the Vogons are dancing, while Barney's singing. . . " Klaxons sounded as music Barney's voice filled the air. ". . . Oh no! The Bablefish Filters(tm) are failing." Access: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (tm): Bablefish filters: Shortly after the discovery of Barney, it was thought Barney's song could be counteracted by the use of Bablefish. However, even though the Bablefish could easily absorb and convert any other brainwave pattern in the universe, the Bablefish could not cope with the hopelessly jumbled pattern it encountered when dealing Barneyspeak(tm) as linguists were apt to dub Barney's speech. Many a poor Bablefish valiantly died in an effort to protect their hosts from the horrid effect of both pure Barneyspeak(tm) and the virus song(tm) before the advent of the Bablefish Filter , named in honor of the invaluable service of the little fish before the rise of Barney. The device is simple. A chaotic wave emitter creates a dead zone between the incoming Barneyspeak(tm) and the protected zone. A partial dampening field is then created around the Functional Cerebrum(tm) of every person within the protected zone. This in effect allows the protected person to "hear" Barney without being effected by the Barneyspeak Effect(tm) (see Barneyspeak effect) and perform normally even if protected zone is bombarded by a high energy cascade of Barneyspeak(tm) or virus song(tm). There is a theory however that because of the differences in fidelity, the Bablefish Filter(tm) might fail if Barney is actually singing in close proximity of the Filter. "Arrrrrggggghhhhhh!" "I Luv U, U Luv Me . . ." "Scorinni, shut that blasted thing off." "I - I can't. There's too much Barneyspeak(tm). I - It's got to be that stupid purple blob's fault" "Hello, All my Vogon friends. I didn't forget you. We just blew up the Earth and are going to spread my luv throughout the galaxy. Doesn't that sound like fun? Come on sing with me" Barney had piped his song throughout the ship. Of all the stupid things, Dentrani had ever done, he had forgotten about the possibility that Barney might actually do something right for a change, even if it was by accident. "I knew we should have updated those Filter," Dentrani screamed as he felt his brain turn to sponge. "Can't get the Filter back on line. Too much Barneyspeak(tm). Can't think." "OK, my new Vogon friends, lets go visit the Universe!! Yeah!!" Barney's voice droned unmelodiously, as the Dentrassi writhed in agony. They could hear the voices in their heads. they started to spell love as luv. The virus song(tm) continued echoing. They wanted Healthy Snack. They needed Healthy Snacks. Yes Barney, Yes Barney, We . . . . . . Luv . . . . . . . . . . .U . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . T. . . . . ." A load clank echoed in the Dentrassi Net Field Command Center(tm), startling many of the Dentrassi out of their stupor. "Life. Don't talk to me about life. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and the Vogons have me moving these speakers around the ship so they can listen to their purple demi-god throughout the ship. they wouldn't even let me try to update their system to stereo, let alone the THX CDMk4 system. No they want . . ." "Marvin?" Dentrana could barely utter. "Yes?" the robot said drearily. "Could you do me a favor?" "You don't want me to pick up a paper off the floor do you? I can do that even though I do have a brain . . ." "No. No. Marvin," Dentrana said feeling the Barneyspeak(tm) Effect gripping her body once again, "Go to Scorinni's station and find a way to stop Barney from singing." "Is that all?" "YES!!!!" Came the answer from everyone in the Command Center. "You don't want me to move a speaker around the Command Center for you?" "No Marvin!! Please!!" "All Right!" Marvin trudged to Scorinni's station and flipped several switches at the communication station. Suddenly, screams thundered throughout the ship. The singing stopped. Weakly, the Dentrassi stumbled to their feet. "What did you do Marvin." asked Dentrani "Do You really want to know?" "Marvin." "Yes." "TELL ME" "I used a frequency pulse that exactly matched the frequency of the Vogon brain. This caused the natural filter to fail, which allowed Barney's song to actually hit them, Full Force. Apparently Barney's brain was affected too because as you can see on the screen, Barney is unconscious." Cheers rose from the Command Center as Dentrana set course away from the Earth to implement the final phase of the Dentrassi Net plan. Epilogue Barney awoke. He was shocked to see that he was in a grassy clearing in a forest. Off to the right he heard rumbling as slowly a fifty foot bipedal creature appeared from the forest. "Ohhh, I wonder if he wants to play? I Luv U Mister Dinosaur. Don't you see I'm a dinosaur too. We can have all kinds of fun. . . ." Access: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (tm): Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal: Feared as the most aggressive creature in the galaxy, the best advice for facing a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is don't. There is a strange story that a Blugblatter Beast was actually tamed through a derivative of the infamous Barney 'virus song(tm).' According to unconfirmed reports a Bugblatter Beast was hugging a life size doll of Barney. The Beast, in attempting to kiss the doll, accidentally swallowed it, whole. Subsequently the Beast kept running towards other Bugblatter Beasts in attempts to hug them while growling what seemed to be a song similar to Barney's song. The other Bugblatter Beasts did not take kindly to the affected Beast's affections, but for some odd reason could not destroy the tamed creature perhaps instinctively fearing that the sick Beast's meat would infect them as well. Happily, the infected Beast is said to have later recovered and is living its natural aggressive life. Access: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (tm) rev. ed. : Barney the Dinosaur: Once considered the scourge of the galaxy, the dreaded Barney along with the dreaded Barneyspeak(tm) and virus song(tm) have disappeared from the galaxy. After the Dentrassi Net plan (chronicled in "The Day the Dinosaur Fell from the Sky", now in its 1 trillionth edition) to eradicate Barney was completed, a council was convened to prevent the use of any Barney derivative products for use as possible weapons. Said one Dentrani: "Weapons of Destruction will always exist. I am not against the Tools of War. But the use of Barney derivatives(tm) could too easily cause a domino effect that could encompass the entire Universe if allowed. I say we nix the stuff." To this day, the development of Barney weapons is banned on penalty death. As far as it is known every last Barney product vanished in the core of an undisclosed sun. (And the Vogons?) Jeltz brought Dentrani his lemonade. The Barney Blast(tm) had caused permanent damage. Although the Vogons who were subjected to the Barney Blast(tm) did not sing Barney's song, their Functioning Cerebrums(tm) was irreparably damaged. Oddly enough, they became extraordinary cooks and made the best lemonade in the galaxy. -- Fight the Good Fight (All Flames will be summarily ignored) HiPaladin Chief Induction Officer of The League to Destroy B'rney the Dinosaur