ÍÁÄ! ÐÒÅÓÅÎÔÓ...

ÇÅÔÔÉÎÇ ÅÖÅÎ
ÐART #4

ÍORE DIRTY TRICKS

ÄON'T JUST GET EVEN, GET ÍÁÄ!

ÉNTRODUCTION BY ÃË.

×ELL, ÄEVILS NIGHT 1985 WAS SCRAPED, BECUASE WE FELT THE QUALITY OF THE TRICKS W
ERE TO LOW.  ÓO HERE WE PRESENT MORE WINNING SCHEMES.  ËEEP SENDING US TRICKS IN
 THE MAIL.  ÅVERYONE SEEMS TO BE STEALING OUR GETTING EVEN IDEA.  É KNOW OF AT L
EAST TWO GROUPS WHO ARE MAKING FILES CALLED ÇÅÔÔÉÎÇ ÅÖÅÎ.  ÔHERE ARE ALSO ALOT O
F OTHER FILES BEING WRITTEN WITH THE SAME CONTENT.  ÔHEY HAVE NOWHERE NEAR THE S
AME QUALITY THOUGH.  ÅVEN ÎEWSWEEK MAGAZINE IS STEALING FROM US.  ÔHERE HEADLINE
 ON ÏCTOBER 21, 1985 WAS ÇÅÔÔÉÎÇ ÅÖÅÎ.  ÉT WAS A PIECE ABOUT THE ÒEAGAN ÁDMINIST
RATIONS CAPTURE OF THE FOUR GUNMAN WHO HIJACKED THE ÁCHILE ÌAURO.  ×E'D LIKE TO
THINK THAT IT WAS ÍÁÄ! WHO INSPIRED ÒEAGON TO FINALLY GET EVEN WITH THE TERRORIS
TS.

ÈEY ÌEGION OF ÄOOM, LETS SEE YOU TOP THIS FILE.

ÄIRTY OLD MEN.

ÉN ÇÅÔÔÉÎÇ ÅÖÅÎ 3, WE WROTE A SECTION ON WICKED WOMEN. ×ELL, SOME OF OUR FEMALE
READERS FELT THEY ALSO DESERVED A SECTION.  ×ELL THIS SECTION IS FOR YOU.

     ÉF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT STREET PEOPLE, AND IF YOUR GOING INTO DIRTY TRICKS YO
U MUST KNOW THEM, YOU WILL HAVE TRICKSTER ACCESS TO LADIES WITH SOCIAL DISEASES.
  ÓOME OF THE VETERANS OF THE STREETS WILL HELP YOU OUT IN BETWEEN TREATMENTS FO
R A PRICE.  ÙOUNGER, LESS-EXPERIENCED  LADIES DON'T KNOW THEY HAVE THE DISEASES,
 BUT THEIR PIMP OR MADAM DOES.  ÔHINK HOW MUCH FUN IT COULD BE IF YOU COULD HIRE
 ONE OF THESE VENERAL VERSIONS OF ÔYPHOID ÍARY TO DAZZLE, PICK UP, AND SEDUCE YO
UR MARK.  ÔHIS SCAM HAS BEEN PULLED OFF SUCCESSFULLY BY AT LEAST FOUR PEOPLE É K
NOW PERSONALLY.  ÉT IS NOT THAT HARD IF YOU PLAN, BARGAIN, AND BUY AHEAD.

     ÉT SEEMS AS IF COLLEGE KIDS HAVE ALL THE FUN.  ÁCTUALLY, FOR EVERY PERSON H
AVING THE FUN, THERE IS PROBABLY A VICTOM WHO NEEDS TO FIGHT BACK.  ÆOR EXAMPLE,
 ÊOHN AND ÄAVE WERE ROOMMATES AT THE ÕNIVERSITY OF ÍICHIGAN IN NEAR ÄETROIT, ÍI
(ÙÁ!).  ÒECENTLY ÄAVE COMPLAINED BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS GETTING KICKED OUT OF HIS
 ROOM BY ÊOHN.  ÔHE REASON WAS THAT ÊOHN WAS ONE OF THE TOP DIRTY MEN ON CAMPUS.
  ÔHERE HAVE PROBABLY BEEN MORE WOMEN IN HIS BED THEN SPRINGS ON A MATTRESS.
     ÎOT HAVING THE SAME LUCK (OR PROBLEM), AND NEEDING TO STUDY AND SLEEP, ÄAVE
 SPOKE WITH ÊOHN ABOUT SOME CONSIDERATION.  ÊOHN SAID HE WAS ON A ROLL, SO TO SP
EAK, AND THE HELL WITH HIS ROOMIE.  ÄAVE ENLISTED THE HELP OF FRIEND ÊIM, THE CO
MPUTER EXPERT, AND THEY GOT EVEN.
     ÊIM SAYS, "×E TOOK THE THIN FOIL OF AN EMPTY CONDOM WRAPPER AND PLACED IT I
N THE MIDDLE OF A DECK OF ÊOHN'S COMPUTER CLASS CARDS THAT HE WAS READY TO RUN T
HROUGH THE MACHINE.
     "ÁBOUT AN HOUR OR SO AFTER HE SUBMITTED HIS PROGRAM (THE CARDS), ÊOHN GOT A
 CALL TO REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO THE OFFICE OF THE ÃOMPUTER ÓYSTEMS ADMINISTRATOR.
  ÌEANING OVER HIS MASSIVE DESK, THIS FAT, RED-FACED BUEAUCRAT HISSED AT ÊOHN, '
ÉT TOOK US NEARLY AN HOUR TO DIG THIS (HOLDING UP THE CONDOM FOIL) OUT OF OUR CA
RD READER.  ÙOU COST US OVER $500 IN DOWN TIME,  ÙOU MUST THINK YOUR PRETTY DAMM
 SMART...'
     "ÊOHN WAS TOTALLY TAKEN ABACK.  ÈE STAMMERED AND STUTTERED SOME KIND OF APO
LOGY AND WAS TOLD, '×E WON'T FORGET THIS AND NEITHER WILL YOUR REPUTATION.'  ÊOH
N SOON BECAME KNOWN AS ÔHE ÃONDOM  ËID (NOTE FROM ÃË:NO JOKES PLEASE) AND BECAUS
E OF THIS, GIRLS STARTED TO SHUN HIM.  ÄAVE GOT HIS HALF OF THE ROOM BACK
AGAIN.


     ÔHE ÃÌÁ× ÏÆ ÊÕÓÔÉÃÅ ONCE HAD A DIRTY OLD MAN BOTHERING HIS GIRLFRIEND.  ÔHE
 ÃLAW FOUND OUT THAT ALL MAIL ADDRESSED TO INDIVIDUALS AT THE ÄIRTY ÏLD ÍAN'S CO
RPORATE OFFICE WAS OPENED BY MAIL CLERKS AND ROUTED FROM THERE.  ÔHE NEXT STEP W
AS OBVIOUS.  ÔHEY DESIGNED AND HAD PRINTED SOME DISGUSTING LETTERHEAD AND ENVELO
PES FOR A MAGAZINE NAMED ÇAY ÂONDAGE.  ÔHEY WROTE THE MARK IN CARE OF HIS EMPLOY
ER, TELL HIM "WE'RE SORRY, THE WOMENS LEATHER UNDERGARMENTS YOU ORDERED IN MEN'S
 LARGE SIZE HAVE BEEN DELAYED IN SHIPMENT."
     ÌATER, WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE OFFICE ÃHRISTMAS PARTY, OUR FRIEND SENT HIM
 A PAIR OF BLACK BIKINI UNDERWEAR, SOAKED IN SICKENING PERFUME, WITH A NOTE THAT
 READ, "ÙOU LOVED TAKING THESE OFF ME WHEN YOU HAD ME ON YOUR OFFICE DESK.  ÓMEL
L THEM AND RECONSIDER YOUR DECISION NOT TO SEE ME AGAIN...ÌOVE, ÃELESTE."  ÔHE Ã
LAW SAYS YOU CAN ALSO SEND THAT LAST ONE TO THE MARKS HOME FOR HIS PRUNE-FACED W
IFE TO ENJOY WITH HIM DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON...OR WHENEVER.


×E WILL DEFINITELY BE PRINTING MORE TRICKS FOR WICKED WOMEN AND DIRTY OLD MEN.


ÃÂS

     ÉF YOU ARE BOTHERED BY A TROUBLESOME ÃÂER, BEG, BORROW, OR BUY WITH FULL-IN
TENT-TO-RETURN THE BIGGEST, MOST POWERFUL LINEAR AMPLIFIER YOU CAN LOCATE THAT W
ILL WORK WITH YOUR MOBILE ÃÂ.  ÐULL UP IN YOUR MARK'S DRIVEWAY OR NEAR HIS VEHIC
LE WHEN YOU KNOW HE IS ON THE AIR.  ×AIT UNTIL HE IS RECEIVING, THEN KEY DOWN WI
TH ALL THE POWER YOUR UNIT CAN MUSTER.  ÐOOF!  ÙOU CAN PUT HIM OFF THE AIR, AND
MAYBE, THROUGH THE ROOF.


ÃHEMICALS

     ÄR. ÄOYLE ÃONAN, OUR MEDICAL ADVISER, SAID TO MENTION GENTIAN VIOLET AS A G
REAT HELPER.  ÏFFICALLY, IT IS A POWDERED SUBSTANCE USED FOR WASHING LABORATORY
SLIDES.  ÂUT A PROBLEMATIC SIDE EFFECT IS THAT IT STAINS THE SKIN A RICH SHADE O
F DEEP PURPLE AND IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO WASH OFF.  ÁCCORDING TO ÄR. ÃONAN, IT
TAKES A WEEK OF REPEATED SCRUBBING TO WASH OFF.
     "ÔHE STUFF IS NONTOXIC, SO YOU CAN PUT IT IN A SPRAYING DEVICE TO ANNOINT O
FFENDING ANIMALS, CHILDEN, EX-LOVERS, ECT." ÄR. ÃONAN CLAIMS.

ÓILVER NITRATE ALSO KNOWN AS LUNAR CAUSTIC WILL BLACKEN ONES SKIN.  ÏNE OUNCE IN
 A STANDARD BOTTLE OF SUNTAN OIL WILL CAUSE THE MARK'S AFFICTED PARTS TO TURN QU
ITE BLACK FOR SEVERAL DAYS.  ÉT IS ALSO HIGHLY SOLUBLE IN WARM WATER, WHICH CAN
BE SPRAYED.

ÔHE CANNY ÒEV. Ê. ÒICHARD ÙOUNG OFFERS A FANTASTIC TEAR GAS SUBSTITUTE FOR NASTY
 DOGS, CATS, RATS, BATS, KIDS, AND FOR USE DURING DOMESTIC SPATS.  ÇO TO A CHEMI
CAL SUPPLY HOUSE AND BUY ÆORMALDEHYDE 97%.  ÔELL THEM YOU OR YOUR KID HAS A BIG
INSECT COLLECTION OR SOMETHING.  ÐUT IT IN A NASAL SPRAY BOTTLE AND FIRE AWAY.
ÉT WILL TEMPORAILY KNOCK THE SOCKS OFF ANYTHING HIT IN THE FACE WITH IT.


ÒOTTEN EGG SMELLS

     ÂOIL TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS OF SULFUR IN A FIFTY-FIVE GALLON DRUM OVER A HOT FI
RE, ADDING FIFTY-FIVE GALLON DRUM OVERNIGHT TO COOL.  ÃAFEFULLY SIPHON OFF THE Y
ELLOW/ORANGE LIQUID, BUT LEAVE THE SETTLED LIME AND SULPHUR.  ÆILL THE DRUM WITH
 WATER, STIR THE MIXTURE, AND BRING IT TO A BOIL AGAIN.  ÌET IT SETTLE AND COOL
FOR ANOTHER NIGHT, AND AGAIN POOR THE LIQUID.
     ÙOU SHOULD NOW HAVE ABOUT THIRTY TO FORTY GALLONS OF LIQUID.  ÓTIR IT, AND
THEN COVER THE MIXTURE.  ÁFTER AN HOUR OR SO, IT WILL STINK AWESOMELY, AND YOU A
RE ADVISED TO COVER IT TIGHTLY.  ÔO QUOTE ONE WOMEN WHO ATTENDED ITS USE ONCE IN
 ×INSLOW, ÁRIZONA, THE AFFLICTED AREA SMELLED WORSE THAN IF EVERY SEWER IN TOWN
BACKED UP IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER... ÉT WAS SICKENLY GROSS.

ÅÎÄ ÏÆ ÆÉÌÅ

ÔYPED ENTIRELY BY...
ÔHE ÃOMMODORE ËID (Ã-NET SUCKS!)
ÃREDITS BY ÍR. Ã0ÓÍÏÓ
ÔHE INFORMATION FOR THIS FILE WAS GATHERED BY:

ÔHE ÃOMMODORE ËID

ÔHE ÍÁÄ! BULLPEN...
ÔHE ÃOMMODORE ËID (ÃHIEF ÅDITOR OF ÍÁÄ! ÕNDERGROUND ÐUBLICATIONS, ×RITER, AND ÍR
. ÅÓÓ HIMSELF.) ÄETROIT, ÍI.
ÍÒ. Ã0ÓÍÏÓ (ÔHE PAYPHONE EXPERT, AND ALSO A DAMM GOOD EDITOR) ÔORONTO, ÃANADA
ÔÈÅ ÇÒÅÍÌÉÎ (ÔHE NEXT ÐRESIDENT OF THE ÕNITED ÓTATES, AND ÔHE ×ORLDS ÇREATEST ÅX
PERT ON THE ÏMEGA ÂOX.), ÃHICAGO, ÉL
ÐÈÏÎÅ ÂÁÎÄÉÔ (ÈIS NAME SAYS IT ALL), ÌOS ÁNGELES, ÃA
ÔÈÅ ÅØÏÒÃÉÓÔ (ÓTAFF WRITER), ÎEW ÙORK, ÎEW ÙORK
ÍR. Ø (ÔECHNICAL INFO.), SOMEWHERE IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE
ÄÕÒËÈÅÉÍ (ÓTAFF WRITER, ÅQUIPMENT SPECIALIST), ÆORT ×ORTH, ÔEXAS
ÑÖÉ (ÆILE CONSTRUCTION), ÂOSTON, ÍA
ÄÅÁÔÈ-ÓÔÁÌËÅÒ (WILL SOME DAY RULE THE UNDER WORLD,EXPERT IN LOCKS),ÄETROIT, ÍI
ÖULCON (ÍÁÄ!S NEWEST MEMBER AND ÈEAD OF ÅLECTRONICS ÄEPARTMENT, WATCH FOR HIS UP
COMING FILES), ÄETROIT, ÍI
ÆREDDY ËRUGER (ÁËÁ ÔÈÅ ÄÅÆÅÎÄÅÒ), ÄETROIT, ÍI
ÃINDY (ÂÁÂÙ!), ÄETROIT, ÍI.

×HEN SOME ONE WRITES THE MARK OF EXCELLENCE  **ÍÁÄ!**  YOU KNOW THIS PERSON IS E
LITE AND ÍÁÄ!

(Ã) 1985 Í!ÕÐÎ (ÍÁÄ! ÕÎÄÅÒÇÒÏÕÎÄ ÐÕÂÌÉÃÁÔÉÏÎÓ ÏÆ ÎÏÒÔÈ ÁÍÅÒÉÃÁ)

ÄESTRIBUTED IN THE ÕNITED ÓTATES BY ÍÁÄ! ÕÎÄÅÒÇÒÏÕÎÄ ÐÕÂÌÉÃÁÔÉÏÎÓ ÏÆ ÎÏÒÔÈ ÁÍÅÒÉ
ÃÁ
ÄESTRIBUTED IN ÃANADA BY ÔHE ÃAN-ÁM ÐIRATING ÎETWORK, ÌÔÄ.

ÍÁÄ! IS A GROUP OF WRITERS DEVOTED TO Ç-FILES.  ÉF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR COM
MENTS CONTACT US AT

ÐÉÒÁÔÅÓ ÃÏÒÎÅÒ ÎÅ×Ó (THE ALL NEW ÐÃ1) 313-386-4698.  ÃHECK IT OUT.

ALSO CHECK OUT
ÔÈÅ ÃÏÍÍÏÄÏÒÅ ÃÁÆÅ (313)-284-7176, OR ÅÌÅÃÔÒÏÎÉÃ ÕÎÄÅÒÇÒÏÕÎÄ (313)-278-9629.  ÔH
E BEST PLACES TO FIND ÍÁÄ! FILES.

ÁLSO CALL...
ÔHE ÃRYSTILLINE ÃAVERNS ][ 313-291-6005, ÓPECTRE ]É[ 815-874-8534, ÐIRATES ÃORNE
R 6 (313)-722-4387 (8PM-6AM), OR ÄOCS Ò ÕS 914-668-3664.

ÔELL THEM ÍÁÄ! SENT YA.

10/27/85
DD