/------------------------/ / / / Airport Phun / / / / or, How To Fly The / / Phriendly Skies / / / /------------------------/ Airports are about the most blatantly unorganized places of business one could ever imagine. They are on the brink of shutting down. The minute the FAA gets wind of how many actual near misses there have been, how many total hours late all the planes have ben all year, and how many thousands of bags have been lost or damaged, they wikl have a hissy-fit. But dear old daddy-raygun has padded things up with red tape to the point that it might take a couple years for commissions to get their reports out. For the sake of making airports safer, I say we help them rip themselves apart from the insides. Let's bring these bureaucrats to their knees. Some rent-a-car booths have shredders. Fill them up by putting all their brochures in. Use the reservation fones to get 15 or 20 rooms at every hotel in the area. Use someone else's credit card to guarantee it all night. This gives them sold out status til they find out they had 30 unsold rooms. Call 4 or 5 cabs to the airport all going to the same place. They're extremely competitive and won't give up for half an hour or more. They might even fight with each other. Most airport payfones'll receive calls so no one is stuck there. Call for a lot of fonesex return calls. If you can get to the microphone room you can make lots of rude or subtle announcements. Start out by checking the flight schedules and tell people the sign is stuck, but their flight is a half hour late. 40 people missing a plane could be quite interesting. Chances are the pilot'll sit there and they'll be really late for their destination. Then announce that a plane was cancelled. Hehehe. They'll all go to book the next open flight. Those that don't explain why they're switching might empty the whole plane out. If you see a really late flight, make a reservation for Michael Hunt. A competitor will try paging Mike Hunt, or "My cunt" over the PA system offering an earlier flight hoping to get his traitor-esque business. Make up a name like Russ Stover and tell the clerk they lost your luggage. Insist that you were on such and such a flight and their computer must be screwed up. They'll go crazy trying to track your lost luggage. Find out the numbers of all the rent-a-car booths and have them all either forwarded to Avis, or forwarded into the restaurant. Fake a telefone conversation over the PA system between a drunk pilot and an extremely abusive boss: "Just get some coffee and you'll be fine for the next flight. It's a half hour from now." Touch up all the rep-numbers for the AAA, Amex, and Citibank applications. The people that put up the cards are on commissions. Someone else'll get the bonus if you change a 4 to a 9 or a 5 to an 8. Leave the restaurant hunched over holding your stomach and sticking your tongue out. Wait a few minutes before making gagging noises. Maybe you'll get a bystander to throw up. At any rate sales weill be down in there for hours; maybe days. This works especially well with 5 or 6 sick people walking out. Find out the name of a pilot scheduled for the next flight and call in zsick for him. Or call in as his wife and say he's needed at home immediately. Fake a fone convo over the PA between a maintenance guy and a palne's super. "We are out of 14 gauge washers to hold the right wing together." "Use silver duct tape. We need that plane in half an hour." Get in line and demand your money back under an assumed name. They'll have fun tracking Emilio Esteves's reservation. This works especially good if you don't mind waiting thru a fairly long line. It'll tie up all the poeple behind you, making the line even more unberaable for the last guy. Bomb threats don't work so good any more because they took out all the lockers and stuff, but call up one of the clerks as some passenger's father requesting that he be reminded to take his AIDS medication. Cut out 10% rent-a-car coupons and stuff them in the ATM machine. It'll eat them and won't let anyone use it for a day or two. Grab a fone book andt yake out flight insurance for all kinds of people. They'll spend all sorts of money sending out cover letters to each household. Cross out all the hotels, cabs, and restaurants phone numbers in the fonebooks. Call the police saying there's a fight in the lobby of the airport. If there's a public TV, put it on the Playboy channel. This works best in prime time. M-80's can be flushed down the toilets for a really positive flood effect. Find someone famous that you look an awful lot like. Then call and have him paged. They'll come give you the pone. Have a pleasant convo with yourself. Rumors will fly. Take all the Jehovah's witness magazines off all the chairs and flush them down the toilet. (Or, better yet, shred them.) Dress like a baggage handler and deliver all the suitcases to the wrong planes. Or at least get in there and swap nametags. Go to the baggage claims and take people's stuff and drop em off for the next flight out. Some rent-a-car booths have a pad of state maps that you can tear off for yourself. Crazyglue them all together. Crazyglue a quarter to the floor. Drives people insane. Pour mineral oil on the waiting-room seats. You don't even see it's there. Looks really good on business suits. Put Hustler magazine pictures in the lenses of those "quarter-a-look" binoculars. Take all the newspapers out of the honor boxes and make them available to everyone free. Or if you're terribly ambitious, sell them for half price. Vaseline all the toilet seats. Makes people uncomfortable all day. Bring in a camera and say you're press and you're there to greet the vice president of the United States. Rumors are sure to fly. Fake a fone convo over the PA between some dizzy stewardess and her girlfriend back home: "You'd better check yourself out. He did me up last night, and now I think I have AIDS. And can you tell Andrea, Paul, Beth, Laurie, and Wanda for me? I don't think I'll be near a fone for a few hours." A Prime Anarchist Production