A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
  -- Thomas Ybarra
 
A Law of Computer Programming:
    Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
    will find the programmers cannot write in English.
 
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
  -- Mr. Dooley
 
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
wrong with a high sense of consistency.
  -- J. K. Galbraith
 
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
having fun.
 
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
    out of a divorce.
 
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
    and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
 
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
 Saw a man come along
 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
 
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
 But another, more sane,
 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
 
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money,
    as well as afterward.
 
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
 
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done
    for the first time.
 
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
  -- Alfred E. Wiggam
 
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
  -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
 
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
 
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
    that you will look forward to the trip.
 
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
 
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
 
A hard man is good to find.
 
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
 
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
 And the cube of its weight
 Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
 
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
  -- Phyllis Schlafly
 
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
 
A penny saved is ridiculous.
 
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
 
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
 A curious mole
 Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
 
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
 She let herself go
 For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
 
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
 
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
    of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series
    of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from
    vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive
    documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by
    persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed
    purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department
    that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
 
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
up with yesterday.
 
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket
   and rejoices that the system works.
 
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
 They make love the whole day
 In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
 
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
 While this worthy had fits
 The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
 
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
 
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
 Said, "Heavens above!
 I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
 
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
 Said, "Heavens above!
 I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
 
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
 When she clamored for more
 Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
 
"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers."
  --- Blind Lemon Pledge
 
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
 Said the doctor, a cynic,
 "Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
 
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
 
ASIO is tapping this terminal.
 
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
 
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
    a pleasure.
 
Absurdity: a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
 
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science."
  -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
 
Accident: a condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body
    is better.
 
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
    totally worthless.
 
Achilles' Biological Findings:
 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
     looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
     -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
 
Admiration: our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
 
Adult: one old enough to know better.
 
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
    the morning.
 
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
 
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
    for a dial tone.
 
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
 
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
 
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
 
All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
  -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
 
Alliance: in international politics, the union of two thieves who have
    their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
    separately plunder a third.
 
Allison's Precept:
    The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is
    the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences
    in that area.
 
Ambidextrous: able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
 
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
 
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
  -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
 
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
    to decadence without touching civilization.
 
An Army travels on her stomach.
 
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
 Display for selection
 Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
 
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
 
An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
person who will sit on its face is its mother.
 
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
 
 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
 And Jesus replied, "What?"
 
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
 
Anthony's Law of Force:
    Don't force it; get a large hammer.
 
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
    Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner
    of the workshop.
  Corollary:
    On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike
    your toes.
 
Antonym: the opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
 
Anxiety:
 The first time you can't do it a second time.

Panic:
 The second time you can't do it the first time.
 
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
 
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
 
"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
  -- Ronald Reagan
 
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
 
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
 1. If it should exist, it doesn't.
 2. If it does exist, it's out of date.
 3. Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
 
Arthur's Laws of Love:
 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them
    of someone else.
 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed
    in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
 
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
    and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
 
Assembly Language: Installation leaflet found inside computer packaging.
 
Atwood's Fourteenth Corollary:
    No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.
 
Automobile: a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
 
Available: We reckon we can finish the software before they can deliver
    your hardware.
 
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-
slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."  The Texas gentleman looked
appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
hell!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
 
Baltimore:
 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars.
 
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
 
Barometer: an ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
    we are having.
 
Barth's Distinction:
    There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types,
    and those who don't.
 
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
 (2) Advising the President.
 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
  -- David Letterman
 
Basic: the only high-level language which can be mastered in less time
    than any program written in it will take to execute.
 
'Be what you would seem to be' - or, if you'd like it put more simply -
    'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear
    to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than
    what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
 
Beckhap's Law:
    Beauty times brains equals a constant.
 
Beifeld's Principle:
    The probability of a young man meeting a desirable receptive young female
    increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
    (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
 
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin.
  -- Ralph Nader
 
Benchmark: a precise method of measuring the ability of a computer to do
    something which nobody in their right mind would ever want to do.
 
"Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
 For her, life held no terrors.
 A virgin born, a virgin died:
 No hits, no runs, no errors."
 
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
 
Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
 
Birth: the first and direst of all disasters.
 
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
 
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
 
Boling's Postulate:
    If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
 
Boob's Law:
    You always find something the last place you look.
 
Booker's Law:
    An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
 
Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
 
Boy: a noise with dirt on it.
 
Brain fried -- Core dumped
 
Brain: the apparatus with which we think that we think.
 
Brien's First Law:
    At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organisation,
    its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
 
Broad-mindedness: the result of flattening high-mindedness out.
 
Brook's Law:
    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
 
Brooke's Law:
    Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
    discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands
    it beyond recognition.
 
Brown's Law of Business Success:
    Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
 
Bucy's Law:
    Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
 
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
  -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
 
... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
of knuckles.
  -- Harlan Ellison
 
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
 We'll be of the opposite sex.

Chorus:
 Clone, clone of my own,
 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
 And when we're alone,
 Since her mind is my own,
 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
  -- Randall Garrett
 
CPU: A random number generator.
 
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
    as a man's head.
 
Cahn's Axiom:
    When all else fails, read the instructions.
 
"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
  -- Ronald Reagan
 
Campbell's Law:
    Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
 
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"

"Uh, not right now."

"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
  -- "Real Genius"
 
Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
    It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
  Supplement:
    A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
 
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
 
Captain Penny's Law:
    You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
    all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.
 
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
 
Chaste makes waste.
 
Cheops's Law:
    Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
 
Chicken Little was right.
 
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort
    to teach them good manners.
 
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
    what you shouldn't have said.
 
Chisholm's Second Law:
    When things are going well, something will go wrong.
  Corollaries:
 1. When things just can't get any worse, they will.
 2. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
 
Chisholm's Third Law:
    Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise
    by others.
  Corollaries:
 1. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
 2. If you do something which you are sure will meet with everbody's
    approval, somebody won't like it.
 3. Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
 
Christian:
 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
 book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are
 not inconsistent with a life of sin.
 
Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
    inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
 
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
    Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time
    he will pick himself up and continue on.
 
Cigarette: a fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco
    in between.
 
Clarke's First Law:
    When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something
    is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that
    something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
 
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas:
    Every revolutionary idea - in Science, Politics, Art or whatever -
    evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by
    the three phrases:
    1. "It is impossible - don't waste my time."
    2. "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
    3. "I said it was a good idea all along."
 
Clarke's Third Law:
 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

G's Third Law:
 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

H's Dictum:
 There is no magic ...
 
Clarke's Third Law:
    Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
 
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
contrary.
  -- Tom Robbins
 
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
 
Coito ergo sum
 
Cole's Law:
    Thinly sliced cabbage.
 
Collaboration: a literary partnership based on the false assumption
    that the other fellow can spell.
 
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.
 
Colvard's Logical Premises:
    All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
    This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary:
    Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
 
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:
    Nothing ever goes away.
 
Communists do it without class.
 
Compatible: a theoretical concept.
 
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
 
Computers! All they ever think about is Hex!
 
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
 
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
 
Conservative:
 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
  -- Leo C. Rosten
 
Conservative: one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
 
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
 
Considering time is eternal, it's not long since breakfast.
 
Conversation: a vocal competition in which the one who is catching
    his breath is called the listener.
 
Cooper's Law:
    All machines are amplifiers.
 
Cooper's Metalaw:
    A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
 
Cornuelle's Law:
    Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
 
Coronation: the ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
    visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a bomb.
 
Coward: one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
 
Crane's Law:
    There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
 
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
 
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
 
Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
    they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
    a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
 
Cynic: one who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
 
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!
 
Data Source: makes fiche and chips taste better.
 
Data Transmission: a method of corrupting someone else's data from
    a safe distance.
 
Data: a vital collection of variables which, when held in memory,
    leave no room for the program.
 
DeVries' Dilemma:
    If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
    hits the paper.
 
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
 
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
 
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
 
Debug: de ting killed wid de pressure spray.
 
Delayed: being rewritten.
 
Deliberation: the act of examining one's bread to determine which side
    it is buttered on.
 
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.
 
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud
    what the country could do under first-class management.
 
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by
    the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
 
Democracy is based upon the premise that a million people are smarter
   than one, and totalitarianism assumes one person is smarter than
   a million... neither premise is neccesarily true.
 
Democracy is the only form of life with many legs and no brain.
 
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
the people.
  -- Oscar Wilde
 
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?

  ... Seats 500.
 
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
 
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
 
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
 
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
  -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
 
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
 
Do something big -- fuck a giant
 
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
 
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
 
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
 
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
 
"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
  -- Bo Diddley
 
Don't panic.
 
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
 
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
    busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
 
Dow's Law:
    In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater
    the confusion.
 
Draft beer, not people
 
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
 
Ducharm's Axiom:
    If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself
    as part of the problem.
 
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side,
    and it holds the universe together....
 
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
    has been discontinued.
 
Dunne's Law:
    The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
 
Easy Eassy Questions - Psychology:
    Based on what you have read in the newspapers, evaluate the emotional
    stability, degree of adjustment, and the repressed frustrations of each:
    Anita Bryant, Billy Carter, Sigmund Freud, Richard Nixon.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Biology:
    Create life. Implicit in this assignment is that the use of any other form
    of life is not allowed since life must be created, not simply reproduced
    or modified.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Construction:
    Build a full scale replica of the Great Pyramid. Use only the resources
    similar to those at the disposal of the ancient Egyptians. Note: this is
    a Union job, no slave labor is allowed. You have 17 minutes.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Economics:
    Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Engineering:
    The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box
    on the table; included is an instruction manual printed in Swahili.
    In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room.
    Take whatever action you may feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify
    your decision.
 
Easy Essay Questions - General Knowledge:
    Describe in detail, briefly.
  Extra Credit: Define the Universe. Give three examples.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Law:
    Take a position for or against truth as it relates to justice. If your
    position is pro, explain the paradox this creates with the Australian
    judicial system.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Mathematics:
    Reconstruct the system such that e and pi are whole numbers.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Medicine:
    You have been provided with a razor blade, gauze, and a bottle of Scotch.
    Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected.
    You have 18 minutes.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Philosophy:
    Trace the development of human thought. Compare this with the development
    of any other kind of thought.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Physics:
    Create matter. The use of any form of energy is not allowed.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Political Science:
    There is a red telephone in front of you. Start World War III. Report
    at length on its social/political effects, if any. Prepare an Environmental
    Impact Statement.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Public Speaking:
    Two thousand drug-crazed aborigines are storming the room. Calm them.
    You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
 
Easy Essay Questions - Sociology:
    What sociological problems might accompany the end of the world? Construct
    an experiment to test your theory. First, prepare an Environmental Impact
    Statement acceptable to the Sierra Club.
 
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
 
Edington's Theory:
    The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological
    phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.
 
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
    of being a damned fool.
 
Ehrman's Commentary:
   1. Things will get worse before they get better.
   2. Who said things would get better?
 
Electrocution: burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
 
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
 (1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
      sleep in the wet spot.
 (2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
 (3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married,
      (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves your brother!
 (4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
 (5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
 (6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
 (7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
 (8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
 (9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
 
Emulate: a tardy bird.
 
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
    otherwise require harder thinking.
 
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
male schlemiel.
  -- Ewald Nyquist
 
Erase: an attempt to read vital data of which you have no back-up.
 
Etorre's Observation:
    The other line moves faster.
 
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
 
"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
just a bit unchivalrous ..."
  -- Robert Benchley
 
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee
    of eventual success.
 
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
   no one we know belongs.
 
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
 
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake
    when you make it again.
 
Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle:
    In an R&D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined
    simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources($).
 1. If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed
    for completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost.
 2. If the time and resources are clearly defined, then it is impossible
    to know what part of the R&D task will be performed.
 3. If you are given a clearly defined R&D goal and a definite amount
    of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion
    of the task, you cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached.
 Corollary:
    If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all 3 parameters,
    then what one deals with is not in the realm of R&D.
 
Extensive choice: You can order either last year's, this year's or next year's.
 
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
   the little hand is on the ....
 
Fact: This is the way they have done it in the past. Not to be confused with
      'this is what is stated in the manual.'
 
Fairfax's Law:
    Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result,
    are fair facts for the argument.
 
Fairy Tale: a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
 
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
    without looking to see whether the seeds move.
 
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
    every six months.
 
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
  -- Earl Wilson
 
Fett's Law of the Lab:
    Never replicate a successful experiment.
 
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
 
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
    If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
  Corollary:
    If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
 
Finagle's First Law:
    If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
 
Finagle's Fourth Law:
    Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
 
Finagle's Rules:
 1. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
 2. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
 3. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
 4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
 5. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
 6. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
 
Finagle's Second Law:
    No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone
    eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened
    to his own pet theory.
 
Finagle's Third Law:
    In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond
    all need of checking, is the mistake.
  Corollaries:
 1. No one whom you ask for help will see it.
 2. Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
 
First Law of Bicycling:
    No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
 
First Law of Committo-Dynamics:
    Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas.
 
First Law of Debate:
    Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.
 
First Law of Revision:
    Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to
    the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.
    (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law.)
  Corollary:
    In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one
    obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way,
    so as to expediate subsequent revision.
 
First Law of Socio-Economics:
    In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay for a given task
    increases in inverse ratio to the unpleasantness and difficulty
    of the task.
 
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
    Celibacy is not hereditary.
 
First Rule of History:
    History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other.
 
Floppy now, hard later.
 
Fornication:
 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
 
Fortran: a traditional high-level language designed to enable scientists
    to corrupt the system without having to call outside help.
 
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
    The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
    instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
  Corollary:
    Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
    study for that instructor's course.
 
Fourth Law of Revision:
    After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are always told
    that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to the problem.
 
Frothingham's Fallacy:
    Time is money.
 
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
    Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
 
Futility Factor:
    No experiment is ever a complete failure -
    it can always serve as a negative example.
 
GOD is applied POWER
    which is applied GOVERNMENT
 which is applied POLITICS
     which is applied ADVERTISING
  which is applied SOCIOLOGY
      which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
   which is applied BIOLOGY
       which is applied CHEMISTRY
    which is applied PHYSICS
        which is applied MATH
     which is applied PHILOSOPHY
         which is applied BULLSHIT
 
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out
   of her stockings and desolating the country.
 
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
    why you should.
 
George Orwell was an optimist.
 
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
 
Get the first shot off fast, it doesn't matter that you miss.
   It unsettles the other guy so fast that you'll have time
   to do a better job on the second.
 
Getting an education at the University of Technology is like having
$50.00 shoved up your arse, ten cents at a time.
 
Gilb's Laws of Unreliability:
 1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
 2. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
 3. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
    errors, which by definition are limited.
 4. Investments in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
    cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
 
Ginsberg's Theorem:
   1. You can't win.
   2. You can't break even.
   3. You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:
    Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful
    is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.
    To wit:
    1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
    2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
    3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
 
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
    The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional
    to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
 
 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
merriment.
 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
  -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
 
God did not create the world in 7 days; he horsed around for 6 days
    and then pulled an all-nighter.
 
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
 
God is an atheist.
 
"God is as real as I am," the old man said.  My faith was restored, for
I new that Santa would never lie.
 
"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
 
God isn't dead -- he's been busted
 
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
 
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
 
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
 
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
 "Well, how about Mercury?"
 "No, it's too hot there."
 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was there 
2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
 
Godin's Law:
    Generalizedness of incompetence is directly proportional to highestness
    in hierarchy.
 
Goldenstern's Rules:
 1. Always hire a rich attorney
 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
 
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
 
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
 
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
 
Gordon's First Law:
    If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth
    doing well.
 
Grain grows best in shit
  -- Ursula K. LeGuin
 
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
 
Gray's Law of Programming:
    'N+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time
    as 'N' tasks.
  Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'N+1' trivial tasks take twice as long
    as 'N' trivial tasks.
 
Great Lover:
 A man who can breathe through his ears.
 
Gresham's Law:
    Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never
    solved.
 
Gummidge's Law:
    The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number
    of statements understood by the general public.
 
Gumperson's Law:
    The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its
    desirability.
 
H. L. Mencken's Law:
    Those who can - do.
    Those who cannot - teach.
  Martin's Extension:
    Those who cannot teach - administrate.
  Dave's Addition:
    Those who won't - criticise.
 
Hacker: one who builds furniture with an axe.
 
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
 
Hackers do it with bugs.
 
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
 
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
 
Haggis:
 Haggis is a kind of stuffed black pudding eaten by the Scots and
 considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
 consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep,
 calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal,
 sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag
 and ... Excuse me a minute ...
 
Haldane's Law:
    The universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it's queerer
    than we can imagine.
 
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
    of another.
 
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
ankles in bullshit.
  -- Tom Robbins
 
Hardware Fault: see 'Software Fault'.
 
Harper's Magazine's Law:
    You never find an article until you replace it.
 
Harris's Lament:
    All the good ones are taken.
 
Hartley's First Law:
    You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
    on his back, you've got something.
 
Harvard Law:
    Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
    volume, humidity and other variables, the organism will do as it
    damn well pleases.
 
Having abandoned my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
 
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
  -- R. E. Masters
 
"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
 
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
 Her husband said, "Vi,
 When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
 
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
HAD to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
qualified for!
  -- Michael Cain
 
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
 
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
 
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
 
"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tootsies!  He's shuffled off
his mortal coil!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vis his metabolic
processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...

  THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
 
Heller's Law:
    The first myth of management is that it exists.
  Johnson's Corollary:
    Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organisation.
 
Hendrickson's Law:
    If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become
    more important than the problem.
 
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
in a yak.
  -- Woody Allen
 
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
 
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
  -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
 
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:

 * Governmental offices
 * Post offices
 * Libraries
 * Schools
 * Banks
 * Parts of Palm Beach

and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
  -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
 
Hersh's Law:
    Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its
    completion and publication.
 
Hexadecimal: a simple but powerful method of concealing your activities.
 
Hire the morally handicapped.
 
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e., none to speak of.
  -- Lazarus Long
 
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
    Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
 
Honorable: afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
    bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
    "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
 
Horner's Five-Thumb Postulate:
    Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
 
Horngren's Observation:
    Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
 
"How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
lucky to escape with our skins!"
 
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
 
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. None, it's a hardware problem.
2. Two, because one always changes jobs in the middle of a problem.
3. Four; one to analyse the problem, one to write the instructions,
   one to check and debug the instructions, and one to perform the operation.
4. Twelve; one to the change the bulb, one for back up, and ten to write the 
   documentation.
 
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
  -- John Valby
 
Howe's Law:
    Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
 
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
 
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
 
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
    The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
    to.....to........uh..............
 
I am an atheist, thank God!
 
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
once was ... an arctic wilderness
  -- Steve Martin
 
I came; I saw; I fucked up
 
I can resist anything but temptation.
 
I finally got it all together, but now I've forgotten where I put it!
 
I have this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.
 
I know that you beleive you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard was not what I meant.
 
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
 
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
 
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
 Now I know the perfection
 Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
 
"I own my own body, but I share"
 
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
  -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
 
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
  -- J. Edgar Hoover
 
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
  -- Barry Goldwater
 
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa.
  -- Frank Zappa
 
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.  What a lot we
had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
with the feces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
of an Untenured Professor?
  -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
 
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
scares the shit out of me.
  -- R. Geis
 
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
 
I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
  -- Groucho Marx
 
"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
watch him have another."
 
IBM Pollyanna Principle:
    Machines should work; people should think.
 
IBM: It's Better Manually.
 
Idiot: a member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
    affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
 
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
 
"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
apostles."
 
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
 
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
 
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
 
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
 
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
bit surprised.
  -- Dorothy Parker
 
"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
  -- S. J. Perelman
 
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
 
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
James Watt's office.
  -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
 
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
 
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
 
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
only two went back to women.
  -- Mort Sahl
 
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
and never be our destiny.
  -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
 
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
 
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
 
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up
    where we are headed.
 
If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, you should join

  THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF

The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:

 -  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFO's come
 -  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
 -  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
 -  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle.
 -  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
 -  That pi equals precisely 22/7.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
 
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
 
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
    this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
    somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
 
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
 
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
 
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw."
  -- W. C. Fields
 
If: a general class of wish-fulfilment statements.
 
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
  -- Robert Burton
 
Iles's Law:
    There is always an easier way to do it.
  Corollaries:
 1. When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods,
    you will not see it.
 2. Neither will Iles.
 
Imhoff's Law:
    The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -
    the really big chunks always rise to the top.
 
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
    Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss
    is reading it.
 
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam.
 And he chuckled with mirth,
 For he knew that on earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em.
 
 In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
and it stinks."

 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength."

 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was good!
 
Incest:
 Sibling revelry.
 
Ingrate: a man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains
    of indigestion.
 
Insanity is hereditary - it's caused by kids.
 
Interpreter: one who enables two persons of different languages to understand
    each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
    the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
 
Iron Law of Distribution:
    Them that has, gets.
 
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
  The Course of Progress:
    Most things get steadily worse.
  The Path of Progress:
    A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
  The Dialectics of Progress:
    Direct action produces direct reaction.
  The Pace of Progress:
    Society is a mule, not a car... If pressed too hard, it will kick
      and throw off its rider.
 
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this wisdom has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
 
It is amazing how much mature wisdom resembles being too tired.
 
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
 
It's later than you think.
 
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
    No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature
    is in session.
 
Jenkinson's Law:
    It won't work.
 
Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
 
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
 
John's Collateral Corollary:
    In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
 
Johnson and Laird's Law:
    Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
 
Johnson's First Law:
    When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most
    inconvenient possible time.
 
Johnson's Second Law:
    If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social
    events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
 
Johnson's Third Law:
    If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue which
    contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious
    to read.
  Corollary:
    All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.
 
Jones's Law:
    The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
    he can blame it on.
 
Jones's Motto:
    Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
 
Juhani's Law:
    The compromise will always be more expensive than either of
    the suggestions it is compromising.
 
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean
    he knows what it is.
 
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace
   that wasn't immune to bullets.
 
Justice: a decision in your favor.
 
Kamin's Sixth Law:
    When attempting to predict and forecast macro-economic moves of
    economic legislation by a politician, never be misled by what he
    says; instead - watch what he does.
 
Kaplan's Law of the Instrument:
 1. To a small boy with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
 2. If you have to drive a nail, every tool looks like a hammer.
 
Karl Marx's grave is a communist plot
 
Katz's Law:
    Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities
    have been exhausted.
 
Keep Australia beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
 
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
 
Kerr-Martin Law:
 1. In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the most
    extreme conservatives.
 2. In dealing with other people's problems, they are the most extreme
    liberals.
 
Kill a commie for Christ!
 
Kin: an affliction of the blood.
 
Klipstein's Law of Specification:
    In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
 
Klipstein's Laws Applied to General Engineering:
 1. A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar
    application made by an independent worker.
 2. Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness
    of the schedule.
 3. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable terms.
    Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
 4. Any wire cut to length will be too short.
 
Klipstein's Laws Applied to Prototyping and Production:
 6. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
 7. A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough,
    and only long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
 8. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
    cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
 9. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
    it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
10. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
    on the bench.
 
Klipstein's Laws Applied to Prototyping and Production:
 1. Tolerances will accumulate uni-directionally toward maximum difficulty
    to assemble.
 2. If a project requires 'n' components, there will be 'n-1' units in stock.
 3. A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
 4. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
 5. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse
    by blowing first.
 
LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!

So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
 
LaCombe's Rule of Percentages:
    The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25% or 80-90%.
  Dudenhoefer's Corollary:
    An answer of 50 percent will suffice for the 40-60 range.
 
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
 
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
 
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
 
Law of Annoyance:
    When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain
    you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
 
Law of Communications:
    The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
    between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
    area of misunderstanding.
 
Law of Institutions:
    The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with
    the fundamental solvency of the firm.
 
Law of Observation:
    Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away.
    Or - nothing looks as good from far away as it does close up.
 
Law of Selective Gravity:
    An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
  Jenning's Corollary:
    The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
    directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  Klipstein's Corollary:
    The most delicate component will be the one to drop.
 
Law of Superiority:
    The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the
    developed example of inferior principle.
 
Law of Triviality:
    The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion
    to the sum involved.
 
Law of the Individual:
    Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
 
Law of the Lost Inch:
    In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can
    be totalled correctly after 4:40 p.m. on Friday.
  Corollaries:
 1. Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are given to
    sixteenths of an inch, they cannot be totalled at all.
 2. The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m. on Monday.
 
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
    You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread
    to butter.
 
Laws of Applied Confusion:
 1. The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports
    75% of the balance of the shipment.
  Corollary:
    Not only did the plant forget to ship it; 50% of the time they haven't
    even made it.
 2. Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when
    you are waiting for the truck.
 3. After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add
    two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
 3. Once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one
    solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
 4. Badness comes in waves.
 
Laws of Computer Programming:
 8. Any programmer can find 90% of his bugs simply by explaining his
    program to any uninterested observer. The uninterested observer
    may be sleeping, dead, non-human, or in extreme cases, non-existant.
 9. The most difficult or nearly impossible programming problems appear
    obvious or extremely simple to anyone with little or no knowledge
    of programming.
10. The rarest bug in any operating system or major programming effort
    will always show up during a demonstration of its use to prospective
    users or customers. These bugs usually cannot be reproduced and therefore
    cannot be located.
 
Laws of Computer Programming:
 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
 6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
 
Laws of Computerdom According to Golub:
 1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of
    estimating the corresponding costs.
 2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete
    than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
 3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
 4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly
    manifests their lack of progress.
 
Laws of Gardening:
 1. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
 2. Fancy gizmos don't work.
 3. In nobody uses it, there's a reason.
 4. You get the most of what you need the least.
 
Laws of Procrastination:
 1. Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
    for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed
    the deadline).
 2. It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project
    from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected
    given the limited time.
 3. Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes,
    because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies
    the stress.
 4. Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties
    can usually be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can
    concentrate on the single effort.
 5. Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
    there is nothing important to do.
 6. It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.
 
Laws of Understanding:
 1. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
 2. If you don't understand the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
  Corollaries:
    1. If you have to ask the question, you won't understand the answer.
    2. If you understand the answer, you asked the wrong question.
 3. If you understand what you yourself are saying, invariably no one else
    will.
  Corollary:
    If you understand what someone else is saying, you probably have grossly
    misinterpreted him.
 4. In any argument, the heat of the argument is inversly proportional
    to the amount of knowledge present.
 
Les Miserables Metalaw:
    All laws, whether good, bad or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter.
 
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
 
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck.
  -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
 
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
 
Levy's Third Law:
    That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy
    as a liberal inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded
    and bigoted segments of the community.
  Kelly's Reformation:
    Nice guys don't finish nice.
 
Lewis's Law:
    No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've
    bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
 
Lie: a very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
    to date.
 
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
 
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
hard you get fucked.
 
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
    there is nothing in it.
 
Lilly's Metalaw:
    All laws are simulations of reality.
 
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
 
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
 
Lord Falkland's Rule:
    When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not
    to make a decision.
 
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices
    the world has ever seen.
 
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
 
Lowery's Law:
    If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
 
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
    There's always one more bug.
 
Lunatic Asylum: the place where optimism most flourishes.
 
Magpie: a bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
    that it might be taught to talk.
 
Maier's Law:
    If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
  Corollaries:
 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of
    the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence
    with the theory.
 
Main's Law:
    For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
 
Majority: that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
 
Malek's Law:
    Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
 
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
    to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
 
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
 
Man: an animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is
    as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation
    is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however,
    multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable
    earth and Canada.
 
Manuals: A form of information available locally, but always out of date.
 
Markov Chain: used to tie up pavlov's dog.
 
Match's Maxim:
    A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain;
    everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
 
Mathematicians do it in theory.
 
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
 
Matsch's Law:
    It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
 
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
 
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
 
McClaughry's Codicil to Jones's Motto:
    To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
 
McClaughry's Law of Zoning:
    Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly. Where it is
    desperately needed, it always breaks down.
 
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
    If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
 
Megaton Man: "LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
  ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"

(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
 
Menu: a list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
 
Meskimen's Law:
    There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
 
Microfiche: plankton.
 
Miller's Law:
    You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.
 
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
 
Misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses.
 
Missionary Position:
 The missionary on top.
 
Mistake:
  An occurrence caused by someone other than you or me, or alternatively,
  by you. The effects create problems large and small for both of us, or
  alternatively, a small problem for one of us and a large problem for you. 
  Remedial action has to be taken by someone other than us two, or
  alternatively, certainly not by me.
 
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
 
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
    If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
    it wasn't worth doing.
 
Monostable: one horse accommodation.
 
Moses said:
  Pick up your shovel,
  Get off your arse,
  Go get your camel,
  And I'll lead you to the promised land!
Whitlam said:
  Put down your shovel,
  Get off your camel,
  Sit on your arse,
  THIS is the promised land!
Hawke DOES:
  He takes your shovel,
  He takes your camel,
  He kicks your arse,
  And he sells the promised land to the Japanese!

The moral:
  I live in the lucky country,
  I am free,
  I wish I was a dog,
  And Hawke was a tree!
 
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
    Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
    be out of a job.
 
"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
 
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
 stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
 
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
    The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population
    is growing.
 
Mr. Cooper's Law:
    If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical
    writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
 
Mrs Murphy's Law:
    Things go wrong when Murphy's out of town.
 
Murphy's Constant:
    Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
 
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
 
Murphy's Law of Research:
    Enough research will tend to support your theory.
 
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:
    Things get worse under pressure.
 
Murphy's Law:
    If anything can go wrong, it will.
  Corollaries:
 1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
 2. Everything takes longer than you think.
 3. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one
    that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
 4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
    can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
 5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
 6. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
 7. Every solution breeds new problems.
 8. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
 9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother nature is a bitch.
 
  My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

 On a bad trip
 When the cops come
 When I lose my head
 I simply take more of my favorite drugs
 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
 
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
 
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
  -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
 
  NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
 
NOTICE: The AGM for the National Society for Preservation of Apathy in the
        Workforce, has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
 
Naeser's Law:
    You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
 
Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for
everyone but her.
 
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
 
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
 
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
 
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
    A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
 
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact,
    you don't have a lucky day this year.
 
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
    The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time,
    and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
 
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
  -- Margaret H. Sanger, somewhat of a mother herself.
 
Non-reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
    Negative expectations yield negative results.
    Positive expectations yield negative results.
 
Noncombatant: a dead Quaker.
 
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
  -- Woody Allen
 
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
 
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
 
O'Brien's Principle (The $357.73 Theory):
    Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line
    divisible by 5 or 10.
 
O'Riordan's Theorem:
 Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
 availability goes to zero.
 
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
    Murphy was an optimist.
 
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
 
Occident:
 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
 is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These,
 also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 
Ocean:
 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
 man -- who has no gills.
 
Ocean: a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -
    who has no gills.
 
Oeser's Law:
    There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful position
    in an organization to spend all of his or her time serving on
    committees and signing letters.
 
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
 
Old and Kahn's Law:
    The efficiency of a committe meeting is inversely proportional to
    the number of participants and time spent on deliberations.
 
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
 
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
 They argued all night
 Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
 
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
 
"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded
and some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some
cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
each other.  Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
resources and our taxes."
  -- Ronald Reagan
 
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
 
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
    never have to stop and answer the phone.
 
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
  -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe"
 
Operating System: a master program which, alone, can destroy
    all lesser programs.
 
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
  -- Hal Hickman
 
Osborn's Law:
    Variables won't; constants aren't.
 
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
help out in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second
basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
considering whether there were men on base.
  -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
 
"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
  -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
 
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
    to go through hell to get it.
 
 Overheard in a bar:
Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
 
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
    criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
 
Pardo's Postulates:
 1. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
 2. The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
 3. Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably
    and have everything you want.
  Note: anything not fitting into the three categories of 1. above
    causes cancer in rats.
 
Pareto's Law (The 20/80 Law):
    20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover.
    20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, etc.
 
Parity: a state of equivalence in which neither you nor the computer know
    the answer and so you toss for it.
 
Parker's Law of Political Statements:
    The truth of any proposition has nothing to do with its credibility
    and vice versa.
 
Parker's Rule of Parliamentary Procedure:
    A motion to adjourn is always in order.
 
Parkinson' First Law:
    Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing
    to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct
    ratio with the time to be spent in its completion.
 
Parkinson's Axioms:
 1. An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals.
 2. Officials make work for each other.
 
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
    If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy,
    public or private, will find it.
 
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
    The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless
    of the amount of work to be done.
 
Parkinson's Law of Delay:
    Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
 
Parkinson's Second Law:
    Expenditures rise to meet income.
 
Parkinson's Sixth Law:
    The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals
    published.
 
Parkinson's Third Law:
    Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
 
Patton's Law:
    A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
 
Paul's Law:
    You can't fall off the floor.
 
Paulg's Law:
    In Australia, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
 
Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods
    of fighting.
 
Peer's Law:
    The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
 
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
  -- Norman Cousins
 
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way
    of taking advantage of them.
 
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
 
Perlsweig's Law:
    People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent.
    People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.
 
Persig's Postulate:
    The number of rational hypotheses that can explain any given phenomenon
    is infinite.
 
Peter's Hidden Postulate according to Godin:
    Every employee begins at his level of competence.
 
Peter's Inversion:
    Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficient service.
 
Peter's Law of Substitution:
    Look after the molehills and the mountains will look after themselves.
 
Peter's Observation:
    Super-competence is more objectionable than incompetence.
 
Peter's Placebo:
    An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
 
Peter's Prognosis:
    Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.
 
Peter's Rule for Creative Incompetence:
    Create the impression that you have already reached your level of
    incompetence.
 
Peter's Theorem:
    Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
 
Physicists do it with charm
 
Politicians do it to everyone.
 
Potter's Law:
    The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional
    to the subject's true value.
 
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
    It's on the other side.
 
Procrastinators might do it later.
 
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
 
Pudder's Law:
    Anything that begins well, ends badly.
    Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
 
Putt's Law:
    Technology is dominated by two types of people:
    those who understand what they do not manage, and
    those who manage what they do not understand.
 
Q. How do you tell the difference between an anal thermometer and an
   oral thermometer?
A. By the taste.
 
Q. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
   symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
   netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos
   of nothingness.
 
Q.Have you heard about the latest German microwave?
A. It seats six.
 
Q.How can you tell if a barmaid is pissed off with you?
A. There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
 
Q.How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A. Her ankles swell when she farts.
 
Q.How do you avoid AIDS?
A. Sit tight and keep your mouth shut.
 
Q.How do you get 100 Vietnamese in a shoebox?
A. Tell them it's seaworthy.
 
Q.How do you get an Aborigine out of jail?
A. Cut the rope.
 
Q.How do you save a drowning Aborigine?
A. Take your foot off his head.
 
Q.How many Yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to mix the cocktails and one to call the electrician.
 
Q.What are women good for?
A. Something to lie on while you're having a root.
 
Q.What do bulldozers and orangutans have in common?
A. They both fuck up trees.
 
Q.What do they call a female sex change operation?
A. Addadictomy.
 
Q.What do they call the Jewish Mafia?
A. The Kosher Nostra.
 
Q.What do you call a fly without wings?
A. A walk.
 
Q.What do you call a three-legged cow?
A. Lean beef.
 
Q.What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?
A. A cancelled Czech.
 
Q.What do you call six Aborigines in a jail cell?
A. A mobile.
 
Q.What do you call two Aborigines in a shoebox?
A. A pair of loafers.
 
Q.What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a redneck?
A. An all-white neighborhood.
 
Q.What goes in dry, comes out wet and gives warm satisfaction?
A. A teabag.
 
Q.What part of Popeye never rusts?
A. The part he puts in Olive Oyl.
 
Q.What's 69 and 69?
A. Dinner for four.
 
Q.What's Tammy Bakker's idea of natural contraception?
A. Absolutely no makeup.
 
Q.What's a Maltese Falcon?
A. A Ford with venetians.
 
Q.What's a pederast?
A. A sucker for little boys.
 
Q.What's a specimen?
A. An Italian astronaut.
 
Q.What's black and eats chips?
A. Half of England.
 
Q.What's black and hairy and sits on a wall?
A. Humpty Cunt.
 
Q.What's brown and has holes in it?
A. A swiss shit.
 
Q.What's brown and sits on a tennis court?
A. Bjorn Bog.
 
Q.What's brown and walks up stairs backwards?
A. A corgi with a hard-on.
 
Q.What's the difference between Australian TV and a piece of shit?
A. You can't change channels on a piece of shit.
 
Q.What's the difference between a Lebanese woman and a catfish?
A. One's got fat lips and whiskers and the other one's a fish.
 
Q.What's the difference between a Pommie and a QANTAS jet?
A. A QANTAS jet stops whinning when it reaches Australia.
 
Q.What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
A. A vulture waits until your dead.
 
Q.What's the difference between a woman kneeling in church and a woman kneeling in a bathtub?
A. A woman kneeling in church has hope on her soul.
 
Q.What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
 
Q.What's the difference between circumcision and crucifixion?
A. With crucifixion they throw away the whole Jew.
 
Q.What's the latest Irish invention?
A. The solar-powered torch.
 
Q.What's the miracle of AIDS?
A. It turns fruits into vegetables.
 
Q.What's the paedophiles' favorite TV show?
A. Come On Kids.
 
Q.What's the smallest room in the world?
A. The Polish Hall of Fame.
 
Q.What's worse than a lobster on your piano?
A. Crabs on your organ.
 
Q.What's worse than your doctor telling you you've got VD?
A. Your dentist telling you.
 
Q.What's yellow and looks like piss?
A. Piss.
 
Q.When does a Cub become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
 
Q.Who's the most popular guy at a nudist camp?
A. The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six doughnuts at once.
 
Q.Who's the most popular woman at a nudist camp?
A. The one who can eat six doughnuts at once.
 
Q.Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?
A. Because they've seen what they do to the sheep.
 
Q.Why do Scotsmen have such long thin dicks?
A. Because they're such tight-fisted wankers.
 
Q.Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A. So no-one confuses them with feminists.
 
Q.Why do all Jews have double glazing on their house windows?
A. So their kids won't hear the icecream trucks.
 
Q.Why do more Australian men than women have AIDS?
A. Because Australian women marry arseholes, they don't fuck them.
 
Q.Why do they bury Aborigines 100 feet underground?
A. Because deep, deep down they're nice people.
 
Q.Why do they put wardrobes in police lock-ups?
A. More hanging space.
 
Q.Why don't ants have balls?
A. Because they can't dance.
 
Q.Why is Vietnam so flat?
A. Because all the slopes are over here.
 
Q.Why was the Orange person blue?
A. His karma ran over his dogma.
 
Q:  How do you play religious roulette?
A:  You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
    by lightning first.
 
Q:  How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?
A:  If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
 
Q:  How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
    or an airline stewardess?
A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says:
    "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
    mouth and nose, and breath normally."
 
Q:  How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
    screwing began.
 
Q:  How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
A:  As much as he wants.
 
Q:  If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A:  A fur coat.
 
Q:  What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A:  Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
 
Q:  What is "SMOORPLAY"?
A:  It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
 
Q:  What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
A:  A cheese grater
 
Q:  What's Jewish foreplay?
A:  Two hours of begging.
 
Q:  Where does virgin wool come from?
A:  Ugly sheep.
 
Q:  Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A:  So she can moan with the other!
 
Q: Did you hear about Ronald Reagan's bowel transplant?
A: The bowel rejected him.
 
Q: Did you hear about the Hellen Keller doll?
A: You wind her up and she walks into walls.
 
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico city earthquake?
A: It did $100 Million worth of improvements.
 
Q: Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas?
A: It was the most violent book he'd ever read.
 
Q: Did you hear about the spastic who won a disco competition?
A: He only got up to get a drink.
 
Q: Did you hear about the two aboriginals on that's incredible?
A: One didn't drink and the other one had a job.
 
Q: How can you tell a Jew from an Italian?
A: The Jew's the one in the Italian suit.
 
Q: How did aids get into America?        
A: Up the Hudson.
 
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her.
 
Q: How do you know if you've walked into a lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool table hasn't got balls.
 
Q: How do you know if your house has been burgled by a Kiwi?
A: Your cat's been raped and your thongs are missing.
 
Q: How do you make a handkerchief dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it...
 
Q: How do you start a New Zealander in a small business?
A: Give him a big business and let him take it from there.
 
Q: How does a Tasmanian know if his mother is menstruating?
A: His brother's dick tastes different.
 
Q: How many Advanced Dungeons and Dragons (TM) characters does it take
   to change a light bulb?
A: 37. One high level to do it and 36 low levels to share the experience
   points.
 
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Californians screw in hot tubs.
 
Q: How many Darlinghurst trendies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to replace the bulb and six to enjoy the experience.
 
Q: How many IBM processors does it take to perform a Logical Shift Left?
A: 33. 32 to hold all the bits, and one to push from the right.
 
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to turn the ladder.
 
Q: How many Ronald Reagan supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One million and one. One to press the button to set off the ICBMs to
   destroy the old one. And one million to rebuild civilization to the
   point where a new one can be built.
 
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You don't have to change it-they all  glow in the dark.
 
Q: How many Yiddishe Mommas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "You just go out, leave me in the dark. All alone where anybody could
   come and rob the house. You just go out, have a good time, and don't worry
   about your poor old mother..."
 
Q: How many astronauts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one -- but the ladder won't be available for 2.5 years, and the 
   new bulb costs $10,000,000 and has a left-hand thread
 
Q: How many gays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician, the other to mix some drinks.
 
Q: How many pretty little rich girls does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: One, to call the electrician.
 
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to put the new one in and one to eat the old one.
 
Q: How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, real men aren't afraid of the dark.
 
Q: How many straight San-Fransiscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
 
Q: How many women's libbers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. One to change it, three to write about it, four to make a 
   documentary about it, and another four to apply for a grant.
 
Q: Is it better to be born black or homosexual?
A: Black. That way you don't have to break the news to your parents.
 
Q: What did Jesus say on the cross to the aboriginals?
A: "Don't do anything until I come back."
 
Q: What do call an uncircumcised Jewish child?
A: A girl.
 
Q: What do elephants use as tampons?
A: Sheep.
 
Q: What do you call Israeli paratroopers?
A: Air pollution.
 
Q: What do you call a Maori in a suit?
A: The defendant.
 
Q: What do you call a dog with Wings?
A: Linda McCartney.
 
Q: What do you call an Aboriginal in a Roll's Royce?
A: A thief.
 
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian in Mexico City?
A: A stick in the mud.
 
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a rat?
A: A vegetarian.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with two rats?
A: A caterer.
 
Q: What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in your bath?
A: Throw in your washing.
 
Q: What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Aboriginal?
A: Someone who's too lazy to steal.
 
Q: What do you get if you cross a black whore with a Chinese?
A: A maid that sucks your shirts.
 
Q: What do you get if you cross an Italian with a Jew?
A: A cleaner who thinks he owns the building.
 
Q: What do you give a deaf, dumb and blind thalidomide victim for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
 
Q: What do you throw a drowning Vietnamese?
A: His wife and family.
 
Q: What does Boy George have for breakfast?
A: Smack, crackle, pop.
 
Q: What does it say on a negro epileptic's id card?
A: Help, I'm not breakdancing.
 
Q: What goes into 13 six times?
A: Roman Polanski.
 
Q: What have Niki Lauda and Hot Lips Hoolihan got in common?
A: They've both been fucked by Major Burns
 
Q: What have Rock Hudson and Muhammad Ali got in common?
A: They've both been badly battered around the ring.
 
Q: What should women wear behind their ears to make them more attractive?
A: Their knees.
 
Q: What turns a nine stone weakling into a 16-stone man of steel?
A: Polio.
 
Q: What was the worst thing about the Challenger disaster?
A: It only killed seven Americans.
 
Q: What were they drinking aboard the doomed shuttle mission?
A: Seven Up with a dash of Teachers.
 
Q: What would it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three bullets.
 
Q: What's a Greek ten?
A: The back of a "4".
 
Q: What's a Greek tragedy?
A: Haemorrhoids.
 
Q: What's a Tasmanian virgin?
A: A girl who can run faster than her father and brothers.
 
Q: What's a dirty bastard?
A: A kid that farts in church at his parents wedding.
 
Q: What's a fart in Ethiopia?
A: A status symbol.
 
Q: What's a homosexual masochist?
A: A sucker for punishment.
 
Q: What's a lousy lay?
A: A man who screws you all night with a 3 inch dick then kisses you goodbye 
   with a 12 inch tongue.
 
Q: What's a poofter?
A: An Australian man who likes his women better than beer.
 
Q: What's an Australian man's definition of foreplay?
A: "You awake?"

Q: What's a Tasmanian man's idea of foreplay?
A: "You awake, Mum?"
 
Q: What's an aboriginal vibrator?
A: Eighty blowfies in a sherry bottle.
 
Q: What's better than sex with a 16-year old girl?
A: Nothing.
 
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a Negro?
A: A dobermann.
 
Q: What's black and bumps into pianos ?
A: Ray charles.
 
Q: What's black and runs across the dessert at 100mph?
A: An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher.
 
Q: What's black and smells like fish?    
A: Tina Tuna.
 
Q: What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
 
Q: What's crunchy and taps on glass?
A: A baby in a microwave.
 
Q: What's deadlier than a Sydney funnelweb?
A: A Malaysian trapdoor.
 
Q: What's endless love?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
 
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit's finger.
 
Q: What's invisible and smells like dogfood?
A: A pensioner's fart.
 
Q: What's it impossible to find in New Zealand?
A: Virgin wool.
 
Q: What's red and white and lies in the gutter?
A: John Lennon.
 
Q: What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman?
A: You know she'll swallow.
 
Q: What's the difference between Bernard King and the space shuttle Challenger?
A: Bernard King teaches cooks....
 
Q: What's the difference between Britt Ekland and Ayers Rock?                   
A: Not everyones climbed on top of Ayers Rock.
 
Q: What's the difference between Joan Collins and a bowling ball?
A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
 
Q: What's the difference between Mother Theresa and a rubber tyre?
A: Ever had Mother Theresa go down on you?
 
Q: What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
 
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: A few lines of coke and about ten drinks.
 
Q: What's the difference between the Millford track & the Aussie cricket team?
A: Not everyone's walked over the Millford track.
 
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.
 
Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A: Sewing in the anchovies.
 
Q: What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
A: Getting the wheelchair through the door.
 
Q: What's yellow and smells like bananas?
A: Monkey vomit.
 
Q: Who killed more Indians than John Wayne?
A: Union Carbide.
 
Q: Why are camels called ships of the desert?
A: Because they're always full of Arab semen.
 
Q: Why are women's vaginas and anuses so close together?
A: So you can pick them up like a six pack.
 
Q: Why did they lie Rock Hudson face down in his casket?
A: So his friends could recognise him.
 
Q: Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's nappies?
A: So she could always find him.
 
Q: Why do Australian men come so quickly?
A: Because they can't wait to get down to the pub to tell their mates.
 
Q: Why do Italian boys grow moustaches?
A: So they can be like their mothers.
 
Q: Why do Negroes have sex on the brain?
A: Because they've got pubic hair on their heads.
 
Q: Why do Pakistanis carry shit in their wallets?
A: For identification.
 
Q: Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?
A: Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
 
Q: Why do dogs lick their dicks?
A: Because they can.
 
Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
 
Q: Why do women have fingers?
A: Because sheep can't type.
 
Q: Why does Nancy Reagan climb on top for sex?
A: Because Ronnie can only screw up.
 
Q: Why don't Americans get piles?
A: Because they're perfect arseholes.
 
Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.
 
Q: Why was alcohol invented?
A: So fat, smelly women could get laid.
 
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in New Zealand?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
 
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
 
Quantization Revision Of Murphy's Law:
    Everthing goes wrong all at once.
 
"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
  -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
 
Randel:
 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
 for farting at a friend.
  -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words
 
Reagan can't _a_c_t either
 
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
    is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They
    wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear
    desk.
 
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules.
    Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet
    schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
 
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
    sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
    don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
 
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should
    be hard to understand.
 
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read
    the listings or object deck.
 
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and
    look how much good it did them.
 
Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how
    to spell quiche. They eat twinkles and szechuan food.
 
Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you to
    change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear
    their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
    in the middle of the machine room.
 
Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to
    the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do system
    programming.
 
Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
    written on one line.
 
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
    BASIC, after the age of 12.
 
Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
    programmers.
 
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
    and crystallography weenies.
 
Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more
    parenthesis than actual code.
 
Real programmers don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any of those pinko
    computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
 
Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't
    decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
 
Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky
    to get any programs at all and take what they get.
 
Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
    microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can
    tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
 
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
    9AM, it's because they were up all night.
 
Real programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was
    invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think big.
 
Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
    them on the machine, they can be patched into working in 'only a few'
    30-hour debugging sessions.
 
Reality is an obstacle to halucination.
 
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
do with the other.
  -- Jules Feiffer
 
Remember: Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane,
   and three rights will get you back on the freeway.
 
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
  -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
 
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
 
Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership:
 1. If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
 2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer
    accessible.
 
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
 
Ross's Law:
    Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
 
Rudin's Law:
    In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses
    of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
 
Rule of Accuracy:
    When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if
    you know the answer.
 
Rule of Feline Frustration:
    When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content
    and adorable you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
 
Rule of the Great:
    When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking
    deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
 
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
 Let _V be virginity
 Approaching infinity;
Let _P be a constant persuasion;

"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
 _N times into _V ...
 The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
 
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
 But a fullback from State
 Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
 
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
 "Try as hard as I can,
 I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
 
Sattinger's Law:
    It works better if you plug it in.
 
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
 
Schmidt's Law:
    If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
 
Scott's First Law:
    No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
 
Scott's Second Law:
    When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
    to have been correct in the first place.
  Corollary:
    After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible
    to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
 
Second Law of Bicycling:
    Take a rain coat when you ride your bicycle. This will make you
    look like an idiot but it will also help to keep the rain away.
    In the event it does rain, you can wear your raincoat and laugh
    at everyone else who is getting wet. However, it is unwise to let
    them hear you because they will usually de-bike you.
 
Second Law of Committo-Dynamics:
    The less you enjoy serving on committes, the more likely you are
    to be pressed to do so.
 
Second Law of Revision.
    The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further
    its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
 
Segal's Law:
    A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches
    is never sure.
 
Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
 
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
are unimportant.
  -- Henry Miller
 
Sex is the poor man's opera.
  -- G. B. Shaw
 
Shanahan's Law:
    The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of
    people present.
 
Shaw's Principle:
    Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want
    to use it.
 
She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
you any other way."
 
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
candidates for president.
  -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
     Elizabeth Gould Davis
 
Simon's Law:
    Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
 
Skinner's Constant (Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
    That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or
    subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
    have gotten.
 
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts
would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
Through Swimsuits Issue.
  -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
 
Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy:
    In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number
    will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.
 
Software Fault: see 'Hardware Fault'.
 
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
 
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
    so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
 
Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
    the only ashtray.
 
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
 
Spark's Ten Rules for the Project Manager:
 6. If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had
    lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
 7. Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of
    the limelight.
 8. Walk at a fast pace when out of the office - this keeps questions
    from subordinates and superiors at a minimum.
 9. Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive
    and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.
10. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into
    a "Pearl Harbor File".
 
Spark's Ten Rules for the Project Manager:
 1. Strive to look tremendously important.
 2. Attempt to be seen with important people.
 3. Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and
    proven facts.
 4. Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant
    question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent
    tries to figure out what's going on - then quickly change the subject.
 5. Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on
    a trite statement and bury them with it.
 
Sprinkle's Law:
    Things always fall at right angles.
 
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
 
Statisticians probably do it.
 
Stay away from flying saucers today.
 
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
    Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.
 
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
    Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
 
Stockmayer's Theorem:
    If it looks easy, it's tough.
    If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
 
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
 
Sturgeon's Law:
    90% of everything is crud.
 
Subpoena:
 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
 organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the
 balls."
 
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
 
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
  -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
     the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
     Association
 
Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
 
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
forgets?
 
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
 
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of a random Taxation Audit! Just type
    in your name and tax return number. Please remember that leaving
    the room is punishable by law.
    Name:     Number:
 
Swipple Rule of Order:
    He who shouts loudest has the floor.
 
Syntax: royalties paid by brothel madam.
 
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
 
THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
We are talking about a lot of jobs.
  -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
     Political Fallout"
 
"Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
  -- Ronald Reagan
 
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
 
Terman's Law of Innovation:
    If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person
    who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.
 
The Airplane Law:
    When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to
    is on time.
 
The Army Axiom:
    Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
 
"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
  -- Dave Barry
 
... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
  -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
 
The Fifth Rule:
    You have taken yourself too seriously.
 
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
    The one who has the gold makes the rules.
 
 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
 I'm covered with sweat,
 And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
 
The Kennedy Constant:
    Don't get mad - get even.
 
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
    to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
 
The Murphy Philosophy:
    Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.
 
The Ordering Principle:
    Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be ordered
    no later than tomorrow noon.
 
The Peter Principle:
    In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
  Corollaries:
 1. In time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is
    incompetent to carry out its duties.
 2. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached
    their level of incompetence.
 
The Principle Concerning Multifunctional Devices:
    The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly
    it can perform those functions.
 
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International Society
of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive Engineers:
 1. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
 2. Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
 3. In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering
    handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
 4. The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory
    will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
 5. The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest
    chance of being omitted.
 
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International Society
of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive Engineers:
 6. If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be
    unreasonable.
 7. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production
    units will malfunction.
 8. All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
 9. Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication
    is nearly completed.
10. Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
 
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International Society
of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive Engineers:
11. Interchangeable parts won't.
12. Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by
    a factor of 0.5.
13. Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor
    of 0.25.
14. Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device
    will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
15. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
 
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International Society
of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive Engineers:
16. Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
17. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one
    will be at fault.
18. Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave
    in an identical fashion in the field.
19. If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service
    experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly
    calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
20. Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
 
The Rule of the Way Out:
    Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
 
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
    showed that all had these things in common:
    1) They all had moderate appetites;
    2) They all came from middle class homes;
    3) All but two of them were dead.
 
The Spare Parts Principle:
    The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from
    the workbench, varies directly with the size of the part - and inversely
    with its importance to the completion of work underway.
 
        The Split-Atom Blues

Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
But if you split those atoms fine,
    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
  -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
 
"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity."
  -- Ronald Reagan
 
The Third Law of Photography:
    If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
    when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
    the dark leaks out.
 
The Ultimate Principle:
    By definition, when you are investigating the unknown you do not know
    what you will find.
 
The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
 
The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
 
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
  -- Jim Samuels
 
The Unspeakable Law:
    As soon as you mention something...
      ... if its good, it goes away.
      ... if its bad, it happens.
 
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
    the average man can see better than he can think.
 
   The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't
just say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
   So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
  -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
 
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
    in the morning, and does not stop until you get to university.
 
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
 
 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"

 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
not much good in a fight."
 
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
 
The early worm gets the bird.
 
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
 
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
 
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
    The goal of nature is to build better mice.
 
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
 
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
 
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
 
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
 
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
 
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
    it isn't here.
 
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
    of your action.
 
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.
 
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
in front every time you want to kiss her.
 
The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we currently
have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old.  The Defense
Department can't even remember where half of them are.  Insects have built
nests in them.  People have built houses directly over the silos.  What
this means, of course, is that if we ever needed them to help obliterate
all human life on the planet, they could be a real embarrassment.  I mean,
maybe YOU'RE comfortable with the prospect of missiles that are supposed to
represent you, barging over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester
carpeting from some recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic
defense planners are not.
  -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
     Political Fallout"
 
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
 
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
 
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to
ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
its own experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do
enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
  -- Henry Kissinger
 
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
 
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
    with a large fortune.
 
"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
  -- Humphrey Bogart
 
The woman next door to me says she prefers men to liquor...
 
The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
down in silly puns about "standing erect".
  -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
 
The world ends tomorrow.
 
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
 
The world just ended.
 
 Them Toad Suckers

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
  -- Mason Williams
 
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
America, with all of the military strength of America, those
revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
  -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
 
There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
    from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
    or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
 
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
 
"There is a God, but He drinks"
  -- Blore
 
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
 
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
 It was not the size
 That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
 
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
 Because in their haste
 They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
 
There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
 He'd yip and he'd yap,
 Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
 
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
 A virgin named Joan
 From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
 
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
 One was even so brave
 As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
 
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
 I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
 
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
 Till a prince from Peru
 Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
 
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
 Concave and convex
 It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
 
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
 Till a Spanish grandee,
 Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
 
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
 That in spite of high station,
 Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
 
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
 For even with Venus
 His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
                           h
                           i
                           s
 
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
 She said with a yell,
 As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
 
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
 She said, "It's a sin,
 But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
 
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
 From the love-making frock
 (With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
 
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
 There was never a sound
 For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
 
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
 His father said, "Durcan!
 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
 
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
 But you knew from the view,
 As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
 
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
 At least so I thought
 Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
 
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
 The dress caught on fire
 And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
 
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
 For it tickled her bum
 And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
 
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
 She said to her beau
 "Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
 
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
 But the banister broke
 So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
 
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
 His wife was a bitch,
 And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
 
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
 And he wouldn't have been
 If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
 
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
 But the loyal hall porter
 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
 
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
 She said with a grin,
 "If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
 
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
 When he got into bed,
 The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
 
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates,
 When he fell on his cutlass
 Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
 
There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
 
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
 
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely fat man's pecker.
 
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
 
There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
  -- Billy Joel
 
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
  -- David Mairowitz
 
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
 
Third Law of Revision.
    If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are
    finally supplied as they actually are - instead of as they were
    meant to be - it is always simpler to start all over.
  Corollary:
    It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -
    if you have none, someone will make one for you.
 
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
 
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
 
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:

 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
  di-dah di-dah di-dah?
  Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
 
This message will self destruct in thirty seconds.
 
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
personal to various situations.

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.

YOU SHOULD:

(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
 
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
 
This wisdom is inoperative. Please try another.
 
Thou shalt not _o_mit adultery.
 
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
 
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
 
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
 
To be is to do.
    -- I. Kant
To do is to be.
    -- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
    -- F. Flintstone
 
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
 
Today is the last day of your life so far.
 
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
 
Travel important today; Taxation men arrive tomorrow.
 
Trischman's Paradox:
    A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick
    in his mouth.
 
Troutman's Programming Postulates:
 1. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems
    will malfunction.
 2. Not until a program has been in production for at least six months
    will the most harmful error be discovered.
 3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order
    will be.
 4. Interchangeable tapes won't.
 5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an
    ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
 
Truman's Law:
    If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
 
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
 
Tuccille's First Law of Reality:
    Industry always moves in to fill an economic vacuum.
 
Turnaucka's Law:
    The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
 
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod  And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad.  And doffed her miniskirt.

"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two!  One, two!  And through 
The looks that melt, the claws that  and through
 catch!    The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"  And went galumphing back.

He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
 sought --   O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
So rested he among the spree  He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
     'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 
     Did groove and trip out at the pad:
     All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
     And the Radcliffe undergrad.
 
 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
 
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
 
"Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
opposite."
  -- John Kenneth Galbraith
 
VDU: a diseased sheep (Remote VDU: a diseased sheep in Western NSW).
 
Vail's Axiom:
    In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchal level.
 
Van Roy's Law:
    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 
Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
 
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
 
Verification: a method of program checking which is known not to reveal
    any errors.
 
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
 
Vique's Law:
    A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
 
Virgin:
 An ugly third grader.
 
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
    from where you left them to where you can't find them.
 
WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
Russians.  They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
though he just inhaled a helium party balloon.  If he ever becomes
President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
George talk.
  -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
     Political Fallout"
 
War is menstruation envy.
 
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
 
Watson's Law:
    The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number
    and significance of any persons watching it.
 
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
(Jacky calls his dog BJ, because it does tricks)
 
We have reason to believe that man first
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
  -- Lily Tomlin
 
"We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
  -- Ronald Reagan
 
Weaver's Law:
    When several reporters share a cab on an assignment, the reporter
    in the front seat pays for all.
  Doyle's Corollary:
    No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays,
    each puts the full fare on his own expense account.
 
Weiler's Law:
    Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
 
Weinberg's Corollary:
    An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on
    to the grand fallacy.
 
Weinberg's First Law:
    Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
 
Weinberg's Second Law:
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
    then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
 
Weinberg's White Bread Warning:
    Things are the way they are because they got that way.
 
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
 
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"  And this poor
quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
than you."  A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
ANIMALS?"  The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle."  The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this
elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
pissed."
 
Westheimer's Rule:
    To estimate the time it takes to do a task; estimate the time
    you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of
    measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for
    a one-hour task.
 
What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
 
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
    themselves cleverer than we are.
 
 "What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
didn't believe in God."
 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
  -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
 
When God created man, She was only testing.
 
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
  -- Charles Merrill Smith
 
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
 
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen."
  -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
 
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
rule of life: if you can't EAT it or FUCK it, PISS on it!
 
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem,
    you modify the problem, not the remedy.
 
 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
 
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
 
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
 
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
 
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
 She explained, "They are flat,
 But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
 
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodelling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
 
White's Chappaquidick Theorem:
    The sooner and in more detail you announce the bad news, the better.
 
White's Statement:
    Don't lose heart...
  Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
       ... they might want to cut it out...
  Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
       ... and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
 
Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
    Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
 
Whole Picture Principle:
    Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavours
    that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including
    their own research.
  Corollary:
    The Director of Research should know as little as possible about
    the specific subject of research he is administering.
 
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement
    unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
 
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
  -- G. Gordon Liddy
 
Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
then she isn't good enough for you.
 
Wiker's Law:
    Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
 
Wingo's Axiom:
    All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
    without thinking.
 
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
    in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
 
Women Unite!  Make *him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
 
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
  -- Graffiti in a women's restroom
 
Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
 
Work for the lord. The pay is dreadfull, but the fringe benefits are out of
this world.
 
Worker's Dilemma:
 1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
 2. What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
 
Wow! what a global variable!
 
Wynne's Law:
    Negative slack tends to increase.
 
Wyszkowski's Second Law:
    Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
 
Wyszowski's First Law:
    No experiment is reproducible.
 
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
 
Year: a period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
 
"Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
  -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
 
You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
wording:  "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
(unless her name is not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's
age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card.  If you are
introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)!  Good!"
  -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
 
You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
no-no, you:

(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
    motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
    joint.

(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
    to the one who makes his nose bleed first.

(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
    blow your nose on your sock.
 
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time
    reading this sort of trash.
 
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
your girlfriend gets the munchies!
 
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
  -- Frederick B. Artz
 
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
   the continuing viability of Fortran.
 
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
pick your friend's nose.
 
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
  --  Heathcote Williams
 
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:

(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name.

(b) Ask what position she played.

(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
 
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
into your coffee.  You:

(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.

(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.

(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket.
 
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
 
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
 
You might have mail.
 
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
 
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
 
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
 
Young's Law:
    All great discoveries are made by mistake.
  Corollary:
    The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.
 
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
    Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to
    use a larger can.
 
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
    People are always available for work in the past tense.
 
Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law:
    When it rains, it pours.
 
"...after all, the strange fact about AI has always been that it's easier
to simulate an expert than to simulate the general common sense of a 
five-year-old."     -- Michael Doherty, "Doctor Dobb's Journal" June 1984
 
71: 69 with two fingers up your ass.
  -- George Carlin
 
Q. Why do women have belly buttons?
A. Somewhere to put your chewing gum when you're going down.
