Archive-name: music/brass/hosaphone-faq
Rec-music-makers-trumpet-archive-name: hosaphone-faq
Version: 3.5
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: April 1, 1996
URL: http://www.millcomm.com/~elw/hosaphone-faq.html


Hosaphone(tm) FAQ - Version 3.5

This article is a description and primer on Frequently
Asked Questions (FAQ) about the low-cost musical valveless
trumpet-like brass wind instrument called the Hosaphone(tm).


The following topics are addressed:

      1)  A DIALOGUE WITH THE MASTER

      2)  HISTORY OF THE HOSAPHONE(TM)
    2.1)  What is a Hosaphone(tm)?
    2.2)  Why is there a need for a Hosaphone(tm) FAQ?
    2.3)  What's with the "(tm)"?
    2.4)  Who invented the Hosaphone(tm)?
    2.5)  Why was there a need for the Hosaphone(tm)?
    2.6)  Where and when was the Hosaphone(tm) invented?
    2.7)  What was the first Hosaphone(tm) like?
    2.8)  How is the word "Hosaphone(tm)" pronounced?
    2.9)  What is the proper reference to one who plays the
          Hosaphone(tm)?
    2.10) What is the verb form of the word Hosaphone(tm)?

      3)  HOSAPHONE(TM) PERFORMANCE PRACTICES
    3.1)  What is the difference between the Hosaphone(tm) and
          the so-called Natural Trumpet?
    3.2)  Does being a trumpet player help with the
          Hosaphone(tm)?
    3.3)  What's the best mouthpiece for the Hosaphone(tm)?
    3.4)  What is the proper way to execute the Doppler effect
          on the Hosaphone(tm)?
    3.5)  Can the sound of the Hosaphone(tm) be improved?
    3.6)  What can I do to fix the missed or out-of-tune tones I
          play on the Hosaphone(tm)?
    3.7)  Where to put the bell?
    3.8)  Does adding tassels improve the sound?
    3.9)  What about the "out-of-tune" partials?
    3.10) My Hosaphone(tm) doesn't center and slot pitches.  What
          can I do?

      4)  HOSAPHONE(TM) ENSEMBLE APPLICATIONS
    4.1)  Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and so-called Natural
          Trumpets in ensembles?
    4.2)  Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and modern full chromatic
          valved trumpets in an ensemble?

      5)  HOSAPHONE(TM) CONSTRUCTION
    5.1)  Where can I get my very own Hosaphone(tm)?
    5.2)  Can I build my own Hosaphone(tm) without special
          training and knowledge of engineering and/or metal-
          working?
    5.3)  Can I build a Hosaphone(tm) even though I am unable to
          telepathically communicate with animals?
    5.4)  OK, how do I build my own Hosaphone(tm)?
    5.5)  The construction of the Hosaphone(tm) sounds pretty
          general; can you provide a table of correct hose
          lengths to use for each key?
    5.6)  Could you send me Hosaphone(tm) specifications? I MUST
          have them.
    5.7)  What type of material (neoprene, nylon, etc.) should I
          use?
    5.8)  How do I add tassels?
    5.9)  How can I make sure that my Hosaphone(tm) is an
          official one and not some shop-class knock-off?

      6)  HOSAPHONE(TM) DESIGN AND THEORY
    6.1)  What are the physics behind the Hosaphone(tm)?
    6.2)  What about tube curvature/bend radius
          (maximum/minimum) information?
    6.3)  Can I weld my mouthpiece into the tubing permanently?
    6.4)  What about bell size/flare specifications?
    6.5)  What is the maximum size of a Hosaphone(tm)?

      7)  HOSAPHONE(TM) CARE
    7.1)  Where can I get a gig bag for my Hosaphone(tm)?
    7.2)  Where do I go to get my Hosaphone(tm) repaired?
    7.3)  Why the need for labeling of the Hosaphone(tm)?
    7.4)  What kind of valve oil should I use on my
          Hosaphone(tm)?
    7.5)  Where can I get heavy valve caps for my Hosaphone(tm)?
    7.6)  Can I get a reverse lead pipe for my Hosaphone(tm)?
    7.7)  How do I use crooks?
    7.8)  Why freeze a Hosaphone(tm)?
    7.9)  Is it OK to give my Hosaphone(tm) a name?
    7.10) What are some good Hosaphone(tm) names?

      8)  HOSAPHONE(TM) INSTRUMENTAL WORKS
    8.1)  What can be performed on the Hosaphone(tm)?
    8.2)  Are there any original compositions composed
          specifically for the beloved Hosaphone(tm)?  I abhor
          transcriptions!

      9)  HOSAPHONE(TM) EDUCATION
    9.1)  Can you describe a Hosaphone(tm) lesson with the
          inventor of the Hosaphone(tm)?
    9.2)  Are there student models as well as pro-model
          Hosaphones(tm) available?
    9.3)  Are there any celebrities who play and endorse the
          Hosaphone(tm)?
    9.4)  What colleges offer applied Hosaphone(tm) performance
          degrees?
    9.5)  What method books are available for the Hosaphone(tm)?
    9.6)  Are there any Hosaphone(tm) play-along recordings?

     10)  HOSAPHONE(TM) MULTIMEDIA COLLECTIONS AND RECORDING
   10.1)  What kind of microphone best captures the sound of the
          Hosaphone(tm)?
   10.2)  Where can I get a picture of a Hosaphone(tm)?
   10.3)  Where can I get a sound file recording of the
          Hosaphone(tm)?
   10.4)  What is the web site for the official Hosaphone(tm)
          Page?

     11)  TRUTHS AND THE FUTURE
   11.1)  Come on now.  Isn't this Hosaphone(tm) thing just a
          big joke?
   11.2)  What are some future directions for Hosaphone(tm)
          development?
   11.3)  What is the patent status of the Hosaphone(tm)?
   11.4)  What is the required compensation for the use of a
          Hosaphone(tm)?
   11.5)  How do I list my Hosaphone(tm) on my insurance policy?
   11.6)  How much will a signature edition Hosaphone(tm) built
          by the inventor cost?
   11.7)  What's the major design difference between the
          Hosaphone(tm) and the so-called Natural Trumpet?

     12)  DICTIONARY OF TERMS

     13)  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

1)  A DIALOGUE WITH THE MASTER

    Workman:  It is with my pleasure that a fine student such as
    yourself would seek the advice of my years of experience.  I
    offer to you my wisdom and without contempt I dispense this
    knowledge to you.  I know that the quest for such a
    knowledge in itself is a never-ending quest and I freely
    pass it along to you and others who have come to cross my
    path and will do so in the future.

    Roth:  I consider myself honored to hear such words and that
    you, without a jealous bone in your body, offer this
    knowledge to me.  I will use it wisely.

    Workman:  Do you seek the knowledge for fame and riches, or
    do you possess a burning within your spirit for the truth of
    knowledge such as I to pursue this enlightenment for the
    dawning of a new post-modern age?

    Roth:  I have come to you to seek the truth and the
    enlightenment.  The ultimate of ultimate of truths, our
    sense of being, our sense of life, our sense of ourselves.
    Like the desert camel that needs to satisfy a thirst, I
    petition you for your guidance.  There is no turning back,
    for this is my destiny.  The mashed potatoes are a little on
    the dry side, do you have any gravy?  My doctor told me to
    lay off the butter.

    Workman:  Yes, of course.  It is on the dry sink behind you.

    Roth:  Thank goodness!  I was in fear that I might need a
    plunger to get the rest of this meal down.

    Workman:  I prefer it natural and in its original form.  If
    the potatoes needed anything more they would cease to be a
    potato.  See this grape here before you?

    Roth:  Very tasty, and seedless!

    Workman:  Easy...I wasn't offering this to you to eat, it
    was for study, to make an illustration.

    Roth:  I apologize.  I misunderstood.

    Workman:  You are like this grape.  Lost without a
    connection to your vine of truth.  You seek moisture, but it
    cannot be derived from any other means than from within your
    own resources.  The moisture, like the truth you seek, is
    within yourself, not from the vine.  Do not spend time
    looking for it.

    Roth:  Gosh, you are making me thirsty.  A glass of root
    beer about now should take care of it.

    Workman:  About your quest.  You seek enlightenment?

    Roth:  Yes.  I desire to...

    Workman:  ...no! You must rid yourself of desire.  It is not
    until then that...

    Roth:  Cheesecake!  Oh, please say it is cherry.  It must be
    cherry with the crust ever so light and tender.  This will
    rid me of the desire that the master has spoken of.

    Mrs. Workman:  Cherry it is, David!  (In a whisper to the
    master:  After the cheesecake and the root beer, he's outta
    here!)

    Workman:  Thank you, my wife.  It is your inspiration that
    led me in search of an answer many years ago, which led to
    my invention of that beloved and revered spiritual musical
    instrument, the Hosaphone(tm).

    Roth:  This Hosaphone(tm) you speak of, as the way raindrops
    cascade off a fresh morning spring flower and trickles on a
    descent to the sweet mother earth.  Yes, I am sure of what
    my clear path must be.  It is the Hosaphone(tm).  I like the
    sound of it.  I will chant its name a thousand times when I
    pause to reflect on what I have learned here today on my
    journey.  Or at least until the light changes to green.

    Workman:  I am pleased to find such a dedicated and deep
    thinking student as when I began.  I do not do this for a
    grasp at a great fortune.  I learned this when I was a
    graduate assistant in my great scholarly pea-soup of higher
    learning.

    Roth:  Don't you mean pursuit of higher learning?

    Workman:  Of course I did.  The turkey stuffing was stuck to
    the roof of my mouth.  One day when my professor was at an
    important meeting of minds with the faculty, I entered his
    vacant office to perform my assistantship duties.  I was but
    a humble servant of my professor as you will remain here and
    do for me...

    Roth (gazing out the window):  I just noticed I left my
    lights on.  Guess I better get my coat and go take care of
    that right now before the battery...

    Workman:  ...my duties which included sweeping the floor,
    answering the phone, teaching classes and squeezing packages
    of ketchup into family-size Heinz bottles.  These condiments
    were acquired in great quantities by my professor as he
    served himself from many a brown-bag lunch at local fast-
    food chains.  There he extracted what seemed like bushels of
    paper napkins which I prepared in paper sacks to be placed
    in the trunk of his car.

    Roth:  Why are you telling me this, master?  To feed the
    soul and wipe the face is not a crime against man or beast
    that I know of.

    Workman:  It was that afternoon when I returned to my
    professor's office that enlightenment came upon me like a
    bolt of lightning from almighty Zeus himself.  This
    knowledge shot through me, which would have brought Hercules
    to his knees.  I had wondered for a long time, but it was
    clear to me that I was my professor's chosen one.  Through
    his generous gifts of wisdom and knowledge, I was permitted
    to get a glimpse at what so few in their youth got to sense.

    Roth:  What was this truth?  What was this enlightenment?
    Please tell me so, I beg you!

    Workman:  There it was, lying on my professor's desk, open
    to the world to see but only I could see it.  I was the
    chosen one amongst all my fellow students to learn of this.
    Although it seems like a simple truth, it was communicated
    to me through the power of my own senses.  A feeling of
    intense sickness fell upon me like a dam of despair had
    broken loose.  I felt my temples start to pound as I became
    light-headed.

    Roth:  Do you have jumper cables?  The car lights are
    starting to dim.  It may take the auto club hours to find
    this place.

    Workman:  I saw...I saw...

    Roth:  What!?  What did you see?

    Workman:  What I saw then bestowed to me the knowledge that
    I was doing what I was doing for the pure truth behind it
    all, not for riches or fame, but for a higher purpose.  This
    became my enlightenment; my sense of purpose started that
    day.

    Roth:  He had his completed tax-returns left open on his
    desk?

    Workman:  Bingo!  A sadness over took me like no other in my
    hour of discontentment as it laid there before me.

    Roth:  Did you then seek the teachings from a greater
    master?

    Workman:  No.  I got a Computer Science degree and a job in
    software.  There I learned of a wonderful thing called
    Internet where I continue my teachings through e-mail,
    mailing lists and newsgroups.

    Roth:  It sounds like a happy ending for all.  I am honored
    to have learned your truth.   Is there anything I can do to
    better the cause of this enlightenment that you strive to do
    through your teachings?  I feel compelled to spread the
    word.  Whatever you ask of me, I will go forth with my best
    efforts.  Tell me, wise master, is there anything such a
    humble one as myself can do to encourage others?  Anything
    you ask, anything at all...

    Workman (raising his hand):  Give it a rest!  My
    anticipation grew as I waited for you to take a breath.
    Yes.  I wish for you to compose an original work for
    Hosaphone(tm) and piano, such that it can be performed on
    many trumpet recitals such that players and listeners alike
    do not forget the simple truth of making music and look
    deeply within themselves for the answer to many problems.

    Roth:  I feel a commission coming on!

    Workman:  As you should.  It will not be a difficult work to
    perform and will be a short one at that.  Like something to
    be placed at the end of the recital so that others may leave
    with the knowledge of this enlightenment.

    Roth:  I thank you here today, master.  I not only thank
    you, but I thank myself for making these travels to your
    village, to break bread with such a fine example of the
    enlightenment.  It is your kind and gentle wisdom that you
    spoke from the placidity of the face of a simple child
    engaged in a wonderment.  I feel too that I have absorbed
    these qualities, a quality that I will carry with me on my
    long and important journey.  If you could toss me that roll
    of plastic wrap I could take the rest of that cheesecake off
    your hands for you.

    Mrs. Workman:  (looks at the master and sighs.)

2)  HISTORY OF THE HOSAPHONE(TM)

2.1)  What is a Hosaphone(tm)?

    What is art?  What is beauty?  It is almost beyond the
    scope of human understanding to answer these questions
    within the span of a lifetime.  At what point does the
    craftsman become artist and in so making that art, become
    part of that art him- or herself?  With this monumental
    task before us, we strive to forge ahead as we embark on a
    journey together to learn about the Hosaphone(tm) through a
    process of self-discovery.  To learn about the
    Hosaphone(tm) is to learn about our selves.  They come with
    tassels too.

2.2)  Why is there a need for a Hosaphone(tm) FAQ?

    There has been so much interest in the Hosaphone(tm) on the
    TPIN and as a result of the Trumpet Player Online Web pages,
    Mr. Roth encouraged Mr. Workman to make his invention
    available to the world.

2.3)  What's with the "(tm)"?

    There have been many similar devices created by brass
    players from hose horns to hose pipes.  The (tm) is simply
    part of the name of the device invented by Mr. Workman and
    is intended to help differentiate the Hosaphone(tm) from
    other similar instruments.

2.4)  Who invented the Hosaphone(tm)?

    Ellis Workman

2.5)  Why was there a need for the Hosaphone(tm)?

    In 1976, the inventor's bride complained about
    carrying his quad trumpet cases on the long portages on
    their BWCAW (Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness) camping
    trips in northern Minnesota.  He then vowed to lighten her
    load.  Later in graduate school the inventor was compelled
    to study the so-called Natural Trumpet.  It became
    immediately obvious that the Hosaphone(tm) was in every way
    the functional equivalent of the so-called Natural Trumpet.

2.6)  Where and when was the Hosaphone(tm) invented?

    In Rochester, Minnesota on July 4, 1976.  Petitions to the
    mayor's office to declare that date Hosaphone(tm) Day have
    been met with less than a fanfare.

2.7)  What was the first Hosaphone(tm) like?

    The picture from the ftp site shows the first Hosaphone(tm).
    Because of the simple and elegant design of the
    Hosaphone(tm), numerous cycles of development and testing
    were unnecessary.

2.8)  How is the word "Hosaphone(tm)" pronounced?

    Hoz'-a-fone-tee-em.

2.9)  What is the proper reference to one who plays the
Hosaphone(tm)?

    Hosaphoner, although brother and sister Hosaphoners
    affectionately refer to one another as hosers.  If you are
    not a Hosaphoner yourself it is poor form to use this
    intimate address.  Hosehead is generally taken as an insult
    on a level with questioning the identity of a Hosaphoner's
    father.

2.10)  What is the verb form of the word Hosaphone(tm)?

    Hosaphone is the verb, although "hose" has come into common
    usage.

3)  HOSAPHONE(TM) PERFORMANCE PRACTICES

3.1)  What is the difference between the Hosaphone(tm) and the
so-called Natural Trumpet?

    It is impossible to effectively perform the Doppler effect
    with a so-called Natural Trumpet.  That is, not without
    severe neck injuries.

3.2)  Does being a trumpet player help with the Hosaphone(tm)?

    Yes, and playing the Hosaphone(tm) will improve your trumpet
    playing.  We've also found being a trumpet player helps in
    all aspects of life too.

3.3)  What's the best mouthpiece for the Hosaphone(tm)?

    A Bach 1, with a #18 throat.  Or whatever else you have
    laying around.

3.4)  What is the proper way to execute the Doppler effect on
the Hosaphone(tm)?

    The Hosaphone(tm) is the only musical instrument capable of
    producing this moving and dramatic effect.  To execute the
    Doppler effect, the Hosaphone(tm) must be untaped and the
    bell end swung in a circle over the hoser's head while
    playing a sustained note.  This effect must be used
    judiciously with taste and proper musical sensitivity and
    not cheap exhibitionism.

3.5)  Can the sound of the Hosaphone(tm) be improved?

    The sound of the Hosaphone(tm) cannot be improved, but your
    sound can be improved with practice.

3.6)  What can I do to fix the missed or out-of-tune tones I
play on the Hosaphone(tm)?   I wish to perform a short piece on
my Hosaphone(tm) for my recital.  I want to give a perfect
performance.

    Only practice will improve your performance on the beloved
    Hosaphone(tm), but you don't want it perfect.  If you play
    it perfect you will be missing the point of playing the
    beloved Hosaphone(tm).  For this reason alone, if you find
    yourself coming to the end of a piece and you don't recall
    any mistakes, we feel it is best to throw a couple of minor
    ones in.

3.7)  Where to put the bell?

    Anywhere but in front of your own ear.  This is a simple
    safety precaution that should be unnecessary to state except
    for the fact that we did see a product warning once advising
    against operating a lawn mower in a vertical position to
    trim hedges.  We have heard reports that while playing it in
    the car, it is best to keep the bell in the back seat.  This
    might not work if you are car-pooling.

3.8)  Does adding tassels improve the sound?

    No, but it gives you something to play with during the
    rests.  And when not in use, they can be hung from your
    rear-view mirror.

3.9)  What about the "out-of-tune" partials?

    What you hear is the correct pitch for that high F.  One
    must not interfere with the laws of nature and mutilate the
    Hosaphone(tm) with node and vent holes to accommodate modern
    tastes in intonation.  Besides, in a pinch if you have to
    drain out your fish tank, those vent holes will serve
    nothing more than to leave a mess on the floor.

3.10)  My Hosaphone(tm) doesn't center and slot pitches, what can
I do?

    "A poor workman always blames his tools."  Quit whining and
    blaming faulty equipment for your problems and take a look
    in the mirror.  Those pitches don't slot and center because
    you are not making them.  Mastering the Hosaphone(tm)
    requires a serious commitment.

4)  HOSAPHONE(TM) ENSEMBLE APPLICATIONS

4.1)  Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and so-called Natural Trumpets in
ensembles?

    No, they won't blend properly and the clearly inferior sound
    of the so-called Natural Trumpet becomes painfully obvious
    to all but the hearing impaired.

4.2)  Can I mix Hosaphones(tm) and modern full chromatic valved
trumpets in an ensemble?

    Yes.

5)  HOSAPHONE(TM) CONSTRUCTION

5.1)  Where can I get my very own Hosaphone(tm)?

    You'll have to build it yourself or make an appointment with
    the inventor for a personal interview and determination of
    worthiness.  Ask about group discounts on airfare.

5.2)  Can I build my own Hosaphone(tm) without special training
and knowledge of engineering and/or metal-working?

    Yes.

5.3)  Can I build a Hosaphone(tm) even though I am unable to
telepathically communicate with animals?

    Yes.

5.4)  OK, how do I build my own Hosaphone(tm)?

    The inventor speaks below, in perhaps one of his longest
    sessions of speech without resorting to meditation:

    Not very resourceful, are we there, pal?  If you can't work
    it out from the inventor's picture:  hosaphone.gif on the
    ftp site, take your mouthpiece to Tom at Hardware Hank in
    the Miracle Mile Mall in Rochester, Minnesota.  Tell him I
    sent you and he'll treat you right!  Tom doesn't do mail
    order.  You must come there in person.  Charter flights and
    buses can be made available.

    Find the bulk plastic tubing and try your mouthpiece in the
    end to get the right diameter.  I think it's 3/8".  Buy 8'
    long if you want a Hosaphone(tm) in C, less if you want a D,
    Eb, etc. Hosaphone(tm).  Then go over to the kitchen goods
    and try some funnels.  Although the funnel in hosaphone.gif
    is plastic I think that tin more closely replicates the
    glorious sound of the beloved and revered Natural Trumpet.
    I haven't tried the copper funnels carried in those upscale
    kitchen gadget stores (usually found across from Victoria's
    Secret in your better malls) but they will probably work OK
    too.  Save the trip to "Kitchen of Frederick's" for when you
    need birthday and anniversary gifts.  After all, those who
    hose together stay together.   Then go to the electrical
    department and get some 1/2" wide black electrical tape.
    You can also use silver duct tape to give that rich-looking
    silver plate finish.  You can either coil your Hosaphone(tm)
    or tape it to a 36" long 1/4" diameter birch dowel rod (or
    old broom handle in a pinch).  Mine is coiled.  But if you
    make the straight version you can decorate it with some old
    Christmas ribbons, shoe laces, or kite string as tassels.
    Finally, being a purist I do not permit the mutilation of my
    Hosaphones(tm) with nodal vent holes.  That is the correct
    pitch for F.

5.5)  The construction of the Hosaphone(tm) sounds pretty
general; can you provide a table of correct hose lengths to use
for each key?

    Every player is different; tuning a Hosaphone(tm) is not
    like tuning an instrument like a piano or organ that
    produces the same pitch regardless of who plays it.  My
    recommendation is to start a tad long and then hack off
    1/64" segments with a Swiss Army knife or chain saw until
    you are in tune.  Use a tuning fork (did you know the tuning
    fork was invented by a trumpet player?) and not one of those
    newfangled machines that lets you *SEE* if you are in tune.
    If you can't *HEAR* if you're in tune or not you have no
    business playing a Hosaphone(tm).  Remember:  don't cut too
    much off at once.  You can always take some more off, but you
    can't put it back on!  By the way, all our measurements are
    non-metric.  (No one uses metric anyway, so why pretend?)

5.6)  Could you send me Hosaphone(tm) specifications? I MUST
have them.

    There is a picture of one of my Hosaphones(tm) at the ftp
    site.  There are some fine recordings made by Mr. Roth also
    there.  That should be sufficient to get you started.  I
    gotta tell you though that I'm pretty weary of all these
    little nit-picking details.  You sound like the sort of
    person with no imagination at all, who colors inside the
    lines and whose handwriting is just as your fourth grade
    teacher showed you.  Playing the Hosaphone(tm) requires
    originality, independence and a risk-taking personality.
    If you are the sort of person who always needs to be told
    what to do, you're probably not cut out for the
    Hosaphone(tm).

5.7)  What type of material (neoprene, nylon, etc.) should I
use?  As soon as I complete the manufacture of my instrument, I
will get it cryogenically treated.  The cryogenic treatment
might be detrimental to the wrong type of material.

    We do not recommend freezing of Hosaphones(tm).  The
    material becomes very brittle.  Didn't you ever take your
    kids to a science demo where they put flowers in liquid NO2
    and then broke them like glass?  Use whatever you can find
    at your local hardware.

5.8)  How do I add tassels?

    This is entirely up to you.  Kite string, old shoe laces,
    and wrapping ribbon all can be used to effectively decorate
    your Hosaphone(tm).

5.9)  How can I make sure that my Hosaphone(tm) is an official
one and not some shop-class knock-off?

    In order for your Hosaphone(tm) to be an official
    Hosaphone(tm) it needs to have the label affixed to the bell.
    This will be made available in EPS POSTSCRIPT or
    graphics image (JPG or GIF) suitable for printing and
    placing on your Hosaphone(tm).  For inventory purposes, the
    assembly date will function as the serial number followed by
    the number of Hosaphones(tm) made that day.  Those with an
    assembly date of 1976 are collector's items.

6)  HOSAPHONE(TM) DESIGN AND THEORY

6.1)  What are the physics behind the Hosaphone(tm)?

    Well there is fire, water, air, and earth ... oops, wrong
    epistemological model.  There is time, mass and energy.
    The Hosaphone(tm) like all other machines transforms energy
    from one form to another.  Like other brass instruments, you
    blow in here, the music goes round and round and comes out
    there, but there is no first valve.

6.2)  What about tube curvature/bend radius (maximum/minimum)
information?

    Excessive bending could compromise tonal quality.  If your
    bend puts a crimp in the hose it was too much.

6.3)  Can I weld my mouthpiece into the tubing permanently?

    No, the plastic tubing will melt and catch fire.  Why would
    you want to do this anyway?  The mouthpiece is the most
    expensive component of a Hosaphone(tm) system and you will
    want to use your mouthpiece with several Hosaphones(tm).

6.4)  What about bell size/flare specifications?

    The Hosaphone(tm) can be played without a bell in which case
    it sounds "muted".  This is the "practice" Hosaphone(tm).
    Just try some different funnels; the Rubber Maid product
    line is too unstable to make a specific recommendation at
    this time.  While civil attempts have been made to
    communicate with their design team, it has become obvious to
    us that we see a hostile takeover on the horizon.

6.5)  What is the maximum size of a Hosaphone(tm)?

    Hardware Hank sells plastic hose material in 100 foot rolls.
    The largest Mr. Workman has made is an 8' C Hosaphone(tm).
    The rule of thumb here is that the longer the Hosaphone(tm)
    the more notes possible and the more difficult to control.

7)  HOSAPHONE(TM) CARE

7.1)  Where can I get a gig bag for my Hosaphone(tm)?

    La dee dah ... A gig bag you say?  The inventor uses a brown
    grocery bag and you want a gig bag?  Maybe if you can manage
    to interrupt your nanny from trimming the crusts off your
    cheese sandwich, she can go out and get a Gucci leather gig
    bag for you.

7.2)  Where do I go to get my Hosaphone(tm) repaired?

    Your local Ace Hardware Store.  See your local Yellow Pages.

7.3)  Why the need for labeling of the Hosaphone(tm)?

    To distinguish it from other similar instruments and the
    contents of your car trunk.

7.4)  What kind of valve oil should I use on my Hosaphone(tm)?

    The Hosaphone(tm) has no valves nor any other moving parts
    and therefore requires no oil.

7.5)  Where can I get heavy valve caps for my Hosaphone(tm)?

    The Hosaphone(tm) has no valves and therefore no need for
    heavy valve caps.  But if you find you are gaining altitude
    while playing the Hosaphone(tm), keep a few rocks in your
    pocket to center your gravity.

7.6)  Can I get a reverse lead pipe for my Hosaphone(tm)?

    Certainly, just swap the funnel and mouthpiece on your
    Hosaphone(tm).

7.7)  How do I use crooks?

    There is no need for crooks on the Hosaphone(tm).
    Considering the low cost of the Hosaphone(tm), just build
    one for each key needed.

7.8)  Why freeze a Hosaphone(tm)?

    The Hosaphone(tm) has no perishable components, therefore
    freezing is unnecessary.

7.9)  Is it OK to give my Hosaphone(tm) a name?

    Yes.

7.10) What are some good Hosaphone(tm) names?

    Hank, Harold, Harvey, Hazel, Henrietta, Henry, Holly,
    Horace, Howard, and of course, Hosey, a personal favorite
    of Mr. Roth's.

8)  HOSAPHONE(TM) INSTRUMENTAL WORKS

8.1)  What can be performed on the Hosaphone(tm)?

    Any music written to be played on the beloved and revered
    Natural Trumpet sounds even more glorious on a
    Hosaphone(tm).

8.2)  Are there any original compositions composed specifically
for the beloved Hosaphone(tm)?  I abhor transcriptions!

    Mr. Roth has been commissioned by Hosaphone(tm), Inc.'s
    philanthropic foundation to compose a single-movement work
    for Hosaphone(tm) and piano, making it an excellent work to
    boldly demonstrate the Hosaphone(tm) as a unique instrument
    in music history.  It is strongly recommended that this
    important work be placed at the end of your recital.

9)  HOSAPHONE(TM) EDUCATION

9.1)  Can you describe a Hosaphone(tm) lesson with the inventor
of the Hosaphone(tm)?

    You have to understand that someone who can come up with
    such an unusual yet simple design also can be a bit of a
    mystic at times too.  Mr. Roth recalls an event in his own
    words:

    In the early days when I was beta testing the Hosaphone(tm)
    prototypes, mostly for tassel placement, I had problems with
    pitch.  I spoke in great detail with Mr. Workman about my
    problems and he was very encouraging.  As I recall, he said
    that it wasn't that the Hosaphone(tm) was having a pitch
    problem, but it was that I was not in tune with the rest of
    the world and that it was my soul that needed adjusting!
    This was a most profound thing to say and I was told -- not
    only should I learn to play the Hosaphone(tm), but I needed
    to *be* the Hosaphone(tm).  Then what proceeded was the
    longest moment of silence I have ever endured.  It must have
    been not more than 30 seconds, according to my long distance
    phone bill, but it felt like hours.  Then Mr. Workman added,
    "If that doesn't work, I'd cut about an eighth of an inch
    off the thing, it sounds a little flat to me over the phone."

9.2)  Are there student models as well as pro-model
Hosaphones(tm) available?

    No, Hosaphones(tm) Inc. does not engage in flattering the
    egos of dilettante customers.  All Hosaphones(tm) are
    created equal.

9.3)  Are there any celebrities who play and endorse the
Hosaphone(tm)?

    If there were, what difference should it make?  We are
    talking about a musical instrument here, not designer jeans
    and overpriced cars.

9.4)  What colleges offer applied Hosaphone(tm) performance
degrees?

    None yet that we are aware of, but it is only a matter of
    time before the etude checkers come to jump on the hose
    wagon, and bottom feeders begin historical studies on the
    evolution of 2nd Hosaphone(tm) parts in Kurdish chamber
    music.

9.5)  What method books are available for the Hosaphone(tm)?

    There are no method books (with etudes ready to check off
    on) written specifically for the Hosaphone(tm); however the
    following etude materials are recommended:  Bugling Merit
    Badge Book, published by the Boy Scouts of America (Secular
    Edition); Marcel Bitsch:  Vingt Etudes; and H.L. Clarke
    Technical Studies.

9.6)  Are there any Hosaphone(tm) play-along recordings?

    Just pick your favorite recording and play-along.

10) HOSAPHONE(TM) MULTIMEDIA COLLECTIONS AND RECORDING

10.1)  What kind of microphone best captures the sound of the
Hosaphone(tm)?

    Carbon microphones as found in telephones.

10.2)  Where can I get a picture of a Hosaphone(tm)?

    http://www.millcomm.com/~elw/hosaphone.gif

10.3)  Where can I get sound file recordings of the
Hosaphone(tm)?

    http://www.millcomm.com/~elw/SOUNDS/

10.4)  What is the web site for the official Hosaphone(tm) Page?

    http://www.millcomm.com/~elw/hosaphone.html

11)  TRUTHS AND THE FUTURE

11.1)  Come on now.  Isn't this Hosaphone(tm) thing just a big
joke?

    You think THIS is a joke???  At our alma mater trumpet
    students are now required to wrap their instruments
    in duct tape to deaden the sound, mouthpieces designed by a
    feline cost hundreds of dollars, every day trumpets are
    being frozen to improve their ballistic properties, and
    heavy valve caps are minutely adjusted for optimum
    resonance.  To cope with all this they are encouraged to
    take prescription drugs in order to make it through a
    performance.

    In playing a Hosaphone(tm) you can come to terms with the
    real essence of the brass instrument.  A Hosaphone(tm) is so
    close to a trumpet with bits of plumbing added you can begin
    to see that it is the equipment that is between your ears
    that is what you seek to improve in this journey.  The
    ultimate instrument is within you and the search to seek out
    the perfect one has to be done internally, not externally.
    We turn to one of the great philosophers of the 20th
    century, Cher, who boldly stated in a shampoo commercial
    aired on national TV in the US, "If it came in a bottle,
    everyone would have one."

11.2)  What are some future directions for Hosaphone(tm)
development?

    In 1994 or '95, Henry Charles Smith (former principal
    trombonist with the Philadelphia Orchestra) demonstrated a
    Hosaphone(tm)-like instrument to high-school students at a
    clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.  This instrument was made
    from flexible surgical rubber.  Mr. Smith required an
    assistant to stretch the hose to various lengths, filling in
    "missing" notes between overtones as a trombone does.  While
    this instrument is not a "true" Hosaphone(tm) we consider it
    worthy of mention in this FAQ and of future research and
    development.

11.3)  What is the patent status of the Hosaphone(tm)?

    In litigation as numerous others' claims have recently
    surfaced.  Contact the authors of this FAQ to learn how you
    can contribute to the Hosaphone(tm) Legal Defense Fund.

11.4)  What is the required compensation for the use of a
Hosaphone(tm)?

    Mr. Workman has released the Hosaphone(tm) to the world as
    shareware.  If you build one and continue to use it after
    thirty days, then you are morally obligated to pay royalty
    fees to Hosaphones(tm) Inc. of 1/3 of all future earnings
    playing your Hosaphone(tm).  In place of that, send us a
    group photo of you and your chums, classmates or board
    members posing with their Hosaphone(tm) and we will place it
    on the Hosaphone(tm) web page.

11.5)  How do I list my Hosaphone(tm) on my insurance policy?

    List it as a rider under personal property, and then submit
    video tapes of the contents of your home as well as of you
    playing your Hosaphone(tm) collection to your insurance
    company and to the authors of this FAQ who will store it in
    Iron Mountain for a nominal charge.

11.6)  How much will a signature edition Hosaphone(tm) built by
the inventor cost?

    $15,000.00 (no mouthpiece or case).  Half up front on
    acceptance of order and the remainder on delivery.
    Worthiness to be determined at the discretion of the
    inventor.  Price subject to fluctuate due to the current
    trading price of raw materials.

11.7)  What's the major design difference between the
Hosaphone(tm) and the so-called Natural Trumpet?

    The Hosaphone(tm), excluding the cost of the mouthpiece
    costs about US$8.00 to build for yourself using new
    parts.  A so-called Natural Trumpet is designed to cost
    about US$3,000.00.

12)  DICTIONARY OF TERMS

Etude-checker:  (1) A charlatan posing as a trumpet instructor
who offers no educational benefit to the student.  (2) One who
assigns etudes without offering help of how to play them.  (3)
One who checks off etudes each lesson regardless of the
student's progress.

TPIN:  (1) Trumpet Players International Network, an exciting
forum to which those with an interest in the trumpet exchange
ideas and information.  (2) An ultra-modern form of
communications expected to overtake cable news by the year 2000.
(3) An activity that allows its list administrator to duck out
of faculty meetings in order to maintain the list.  (4) A pin in
the shape of the letter "T", possibly worn by Toastmasters.

Bottom-Feeder:  (1) One who spends an inordinate amount of time
in a tightly narrow focus of music history in order to become an
expert in it almost by default since no one else has interest in
that area, including the scholar doing the research.  (2) One
who has, at a minimum, six bachelor's degrees, four masters,
three doctorates, from thirteen different colleges, all in music
history and doesn't own a copy of Arban's.

Cherry Cheesecake: (1) A dessert cake.  (2) A favorite of Mr.
Roth.

Valve Oil:  (1) A lubricant used to allow valved instruments
such as a trumpet to shorten and lengthen tubing within passages
quickly.  (2) A highly overpriced oil used on trumpet valves.
(3) Olive Oil's younger sister.

Trumpet:  (1) A fully chromatic brass wind instrument used in
orchestras and dance bands.  (2) The lead brass instrument in any
ensemble.  (3) The lead instrument in any ensemble.  (4) The lead
instrument, period!

Graduate Assistant:  (1) A scholarly pupil entrusted with
teaching courses and engaging in research under the supervision
of a full-time professor.  (2) One who makes a grab for young
co-eds when the professors aren't looking.  (3) One who demands
to be addressed as Mr. or Ms., while full-time tenure faculty
are on a first-name basis with students.  (4) One who has a tiny
desk in an office on campus that used to either be a practice
room or a janitor's closet.

Kurdish chamber music:  (1) Non-sequitur reference.

13) ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We would like to thank the following individuals and
organizations who have helped and contributed to this document:

       Russ Hersch (author of FAQ on FAQs) for his
          brilliant FAQ on how to write your own FAQ.
       Michael Anderson (college music professor), For
          his efforts in creating and keeping the TPIN running.
       Mark Van Cleave (creator of Trumpet Players Online) for
          his valuable contributions and continuing support for
          trumpet playing.
       The subscribers to the TPIN who from time to time provide
          valuable insight and who are always there when help is
          needed.
       International Trumpet Guild for planting the seed to
          networking trumpet players long before there was the
          Internet.
       Bill Adam (trumpet teacher) whose common sense follows us
          daily as we practice.
       Louis Davidson (trumpet teacher) whose book Trumpet
          Profiles has served to remind us of the greats.
       Indiana University School of Music third floor practice
          rooms formerly known to us in the 1970s as Trumpet
          Row.  A place we fondly remember, as you could hear
          110 trumpet players practicing day or night.
       Hinkle's Hamburgers across the street from the music
          building at IU in Bloomington, Indiana for making the
          best burgers in the world.
       You, our readers for your support and encouragement, we
          are proud to be part of the global trumpet playing
          community.

__________________________________________________________
We disclaim everything.  The contents of this article might be
totally inaccurate, inappropriate, misguided, or otherwise
perverse -- except our names (you can probably trust us on
that).  Not responsible for any and all harm which may result in
injuries inflicted, but not limited to those at the hand of a
conductor or from the result of you addressing the conductor as
"Maestro Schmuck".

The authors make no representation or warranties with respect to
the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this FAQ, and
specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability
or fitness for any particular purpose, and shall in no event be
liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damage,
including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential,
or other damages.

Copyright (c) 1996 by Ellis L. Workman and David A. Roth, all
rights reserved.  This FAQ may be posted to any USENET
newsgroup, on-line service, BBS, internet mailing lists, music
professor's studio bulletin board or shellacked to the mirror of
music practice rooms everywhere as long as it is posted in its
entirety and includes this copyright statement.

No part of this FAQ (including but not limited to its
accompanying audio sound file recordings, graphic images (motion
and still), music compositions or data) may be published,
including in commercial collections or compilations, in any form,
by any means, (electronic, photocopying, recording, broadcast, or
otherwise) without the prior written permission of the authors.

All brand names and product names used in this FAQ are
trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their
respective holders.

-----------------------------------
Ellis L. Workman - elw@millcomm.com

David A. Roth - david@roth-music.com
P.O. Box 1082
Westerville, OH 43086-7082, USA

