Date: 14 Oct 91 17:20:42 GMT
Sender: news@usenet.ins.cwru.edu
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
 
What follows is a collection I made over the past year of short, funny
posts from r.a.st.  I regret that I am unable to credit the initial
posters; this collection was originally for myself and I deleted as much
as I could from the posts.  If there is a problem with this lack of
crediting, please let me know.
 
Enjoy!!
 
[Star Trek IV]
 
"I think we found them," Kirk wailed.
 
[any episode with a poker game]
 
"Pass the cards," said Troi ideally.
 
"Couldn't we play some other game?" asked O'Brien, wistfully.
 
[Symbiosis]
 
"It's not a drug!", T'Jon snorted.
 
[The Child]
 
"The containment field is starting to rupture!" burst Hester Dealt.
 
[Elementary, Dear Data]
 
"I bet they'll be surprised by my drawing of the Enterprise," Moriarty figured.
 
[Samaritan Snare]
 
"Captain, your transplant isn't complete yet", said the doctor half-heartedly.
 
[Up the Long Ladder]
 
"That's a cute goat," kidded Picard.
    or
"I've never seen a lamb before," admitted Picard, sheepishly.
 
[Manhunt]
 
"I assume these are the ambassadors," guessed O'Brien.
 
"I'm still looking for a husband," said Lwaxana guilelessly.
 
[Deja Q]
 
"No smoking on the bridge!" fumed Picard.
 
[Hollow Pursuits]
 
"Where is Reg?", barked Lee.
 
[Sarek]
 
"I assume Data used natural violin strings," was Sarek's gut reaction.
  [Transfigurations]
 
"Meet my latest girlfriend," said Geordi unsteadily.
 
[Best of Both Worlds]
 
"The Borg ship has reached Jupiter," announced Shelby jovially.
 
[Family]
 
"I'm thinking I might join Starfleet," said Rene siriusly.
 
[Suddenly Human]
 
"Hey, Jono, be careful with the dessert," I screamed.
 
[Reunion]
 
"What do you think of this Klingon weapon?" asked Worf with a heavy accent.
 
[Final Mission]
 
"The radiation from that ship is very high," said Geordi with great intensity.
 
[Data's Day]
 
"I wonder how humans would describe the sound my kitty makes", mused Data.
 
[The Wounded]
 
"Please, no more traditional Japanese food, Keiko," said O'Brien derisively.
 
[Clues]
 
"Probe ready for launching," droned Data.
 
[and some that don't apply to any episode in particular]
 
"Hey, what happened to the ridge on my forehead?" asked Worf, crestfallen.
 
"Where is Worf?  I thought I had him paged twice", Picard recalled.
 
"That's the second time we changed course," remarked Data.
 
"We have no warp power," said Geordi impulsively.
 
"There is no alcohol in these drinks," say Guinan dryly.
 
"The engines can't take much more of this", boomed Geordi.
 
"I assume you will take care of this before we enter warp," prezoomed Picard.
 
"Enterprise, switch to a coded channel so they won't find out
who I am", said Riker, scrambling for cover.
 
 I am <not> gaining weight!" said Riker emphatically.
                                        fatuously.
                                        heavily.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Outtake from "Clues":
 
 
      Picard: "I ordered you to lie?"
 
      Data: "No sir, I lied about that."
 
      Picard: "You did?  Why?"
 
      Data: "Beacuse you ordered me to sir."
 
      Picard: "But -- you said -- but -- Norman, cordinate!"
 
      [smoke comes out of Picard's ears and he falls over, lifeless]
 
      Data "Hee hee hee!"
 
      :-) :-) :-)
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Top Ten Lines From the New Star Trek Movie!!
---------------------------------------------
 
10. Captain! There's a horrible life form on your head!
    Oh, sorry. It's your hairpiece.
 
 9. Surprise!  Those aren't dilithium crystals - They're 
    Folgers crystals!
 
 8. Damm it, Jim!  I'm a doctor - not a very good actor!
 
 7. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls "The Captain's Log."
 
 6. Computer analysis of the tape indicates that it really is
    Rob Lowe.
 
 5. Geez - I'm sick of you guys!
 
 4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name
    from Earth to Trump.
 
 3. Oh, yeah?  Well, beam this up, pal!
                          ^^^^
 2. What the hell is Don King doing here?
 
 1. Screw the Final Frontier! Let's go see Batman.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Some local stations showed a comercial for TNG:
(Sung to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by B. Joel)
 
Jean Luc,
Geordi's Specs,
Mysteries on the Holodecks
 
Asteroids,
Triple Droids,
Telepathic Betazoids
 
Transporter
Deadly Claw
Visitor from LA Law
 
Photons,
No Kirk,
Captain has gone berzerk
 
Shuttlecraft,
Counselor Troy,
Doctor Crusher's little boy
 
Klingon Rites,
Parasites,
New Heights,
Phasor Fights,
Data's Head,
Tasha's Dead,
Riker's Hangin' by a thread
 
Celebration,
Transformation,
Everyone to battle stations
 
We didn't start the series,
It's the Next Generation
on your favorite station
 
We didn't start the series,
But when we are gone it will
still be on and on and on...
 
We didn't start the series...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
	Well, I spotted a few strange things in Data's Day.  The first and
funniest is that the Feline Supplement 73 has ants in it!!!  I guess Data was
in a weird mood when he pondered about which food to feed his cat!  I guess
that puts an end to the rumor that the replicators can't create life forms.
:-)  It's funny, 'cause Brent Spiner looks strangely into the dish before he
puts it down.  I wonder if he noticed the ants but they decided to keep the
shot.  Anyway, you can see at least two ants freak out when the feline maw
comes down and start running around frantically on the cat food.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
If you could make love to any Star Trek character, which one would it be?
 
 
      GUYS                            GALS
 
    27 (60%) Troi                    8 (35%) Jean-Luc Picard
 
    8 (17%) Dr. Crusher              7 (30%) Data
 
    5 (11%) Tasha                    2 (9%)  Kirk
    
    2 (4%)  Nurse Chapel             2 (9%)  Spock
    
    2 (4%)  Janice Rand              1 (4%)  Wesley
    
    1 (2%)  Uhura                    1 (4%)  Will Riker
    
    0 (0%)  Guinan                   1 (4%)  Bones
    
                                     1 (0%)  Worf
    
                                     0 Geordi Laforge
 
                                     0 Sulu
                  
                                     0 Chekov
 
                                     0 Q
 
 
 TOTAL:  45                          23
          
 
   And from Julie: Picard AND Riker (into 3-somes,eh?)
 
   Note: I will NOT break-up the stats for male/female - too much work!
          (so I lied!)
          But as far as I can tell, all hetero responses so far...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
PICARD: Lieutenant Worf! FIRE AT WILL!
WORF: Yes, SIR!
      [Pulls out a phaser and disintegrates Riker.]
 
Picard: No!  That's not the will I meant!
Worf:  Oh....
	[Worf grins and turns phaser on Wesley. Zap.]
 
Picard:  No, Worf.  Not Wil Wheaton.  Shoot the alien!
	[Worf shoots Troi.]
 
Picard:  No!  No!  No!  Not the Betazed.  Shoot the bloody Romulans!
	[This time Worf disintegrates the Romulan war bird.]
 
Picard:  [under breath] ...and they wonder why I never let Worf play with the
	phasers....
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I was recently at a convention where Richard Arnold was a guest. He gave
away the following information on Season 5 ( of course, this must all be
true as it comes from such a well respected source of information ).
 
 
1)  Redemption Part 2
    Redemption is poorly resolved in the last 10 minutes of the episode.
 
2)  The Voyager
    Following on from the classic episodes 'The Child' and 'Devil's Due',
    this is another rewrite of a Star Trek II script. It features a 20th
    century NASA probe returning to earth, destroying everything in its
    path.
 
3)  Happy Families
    An alien race captures Data and Lore and makes several clones of both
    of them. Brent Spiner plays everyone in this story, directed by Rob
    Bowman.
 
4)  The Low Ratings ( working title )
    Deanna Troi story.
 
5)  Deus Ex Machina
    A character from a previous season turns up and saves the ship.
 
6)  Intimate Contact
    Lanel shows up, 29 months pregnant.
 
7)  Hollow Plot Ideas
    Picard reactivates Moriarty on the holodeck and takes on the persona of
    Dixon Hill in a battle of wits.
  
8)  The Traitor
    The Romulans show up at the Neutral Zone, then go away again.
 
9)  IRA Q
    Tense political allegory in which Q makes the crew act out a fantasy in
    which he is a freedom fighter who kidnaps Doctor Crusher.
 
10) The Schizoid Alien
    Suzie Plakson is in two minds as to whether she is Doctor Selar or
    K'Ehleyr.
 
11) The Space Whale
    Unmade Doctor Who script. Riker episode.
 
12) The Miracle
    Doctor Crusher saves a patient.
 
13) The Cliche
    Doctor Crusher falls in love with the patient she saved.
 
14) The Accident
    Doctor Crusher is pregnant.
 
15) Resurrection
    Worf begins to think that he is a Dalek because all his stories begin
    with the letters 'Re'. May feature Denise Crosby as Yar. Or as someone
    else. Or featuring someone else as Yar. Or featuring someone else not
    as Yar.
 
16) The Imperfect Mirror Enterprise
    The ship goes through a worm hole into another universe where O'Brien
    is captain, Wesley is first officer, Data is ship's counselor, Troi is
    security officer and Picard teaches in the school on the Enterprise.
 
17) Final Mission 2
    Wesley makes a cameo appearance.
 
18) The Ultimate Evil
    The mystery of the disappearing outposts from 'The Neutral Zone' is
    solved - it wasn't the Borg, it was the Poll tax bailiffs ( very
    unpopular British tax system which is about to die :-) )
 
19) The Trouble With Troi-bles
    Lwaxana Troi falls for Harcourt Fenton Mudd II Jnr.
 
20) Deep Thought
    An evil Starfleet admiral tries to dismantle Data in order to make
    bleeping communicator badges ( only $14.95 ! ).
 
21) Howling Mad
    Barclay returns, suffering mental problems. He keeps referring to
    Picard as 'Hannibal', Riker as 'Face' and Worf as 'B.A.'.
 
22) Sins of the Grandfather
    Alexander kills himself because he comes from a family of Romulan
    traitors.
 
23) Kirk
    Geordi mind-melds with a 200 year old captain, resulting in increased
    success with women, an increased waistline and a receding hairline. 
 
24) Xenophobia
    Directed by Paul Verhoeven, this episode features the Federation,
    Romulans, Klingons, Ferengi, Borg, Cardassians, Telarians and parasite
    bugs simultaneously declaring war against each other. Made while Gene
    Roddenberry was asleep. 
 
25) Shades of Black
    Picard's braaaaaaaain is being destroyed and the only way he can be
    saved is to remember his time on the Borg ship, when he was remembering
    previous adventures. Cost cutting story ( only $1.6 million ).
 
26) The Epic
    Mega-secret cliffhanger episode. Full synopsis available soon.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
	For those of you who have seen third season Red Dwarf, I imagine the
teaser going a little differently, say, for instance with Geordi & the computer
playing a ship identification game....
 
....G: Constellation Class Starship.
 
C: Correct.  Next Image.
 
G (krinkles forehead): hmmmn...wait a minute...
 
(Warbird uncloaks outside the window)
 
C: Romulan Warbird!
 
G: No, that's not it... it's a Klingon Battle-Cruiser.  (looks out window) Now
_that's_ a Romulan Warbird!
 
:-)
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
	In one obviously unused take that Michael Dorn tells of, Picard is 
welcoming someone onto the Enterprise.   The dialouge is similar to as follows:
 
	PICARD : Welcome aboard the Enterprise.  I'm Captain Picard,
		 this is my First Officer Mister Ryker, and this is Chief of
		 ships security, Mister Worf.  Would you care to beat him up?
	
	SOMEONE : Yes, thank you.
 
	PICARD : Mister Worf, please step forward.
 
Also, if you ever get a chance, try to pay close attention to Worf's face in
"Devil's Due" when Picard tells Worf to remove Ardra from the Captain's 
chair.  The look he gives pretty much describes Michael Dorn's attitude on
Worf getting pounded all the time.	
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
"Data is a toaster."
-- Capt. Phillipa  ("The Measure of a Man")
 
I'm wondering if the writer of MoaM had seen Red Dwarf when that line was
written...(i.e., the sentient toaster that appeared in the first few episodes
and had some great lines like "Maybe there's something more fulfilling to life
that warming bread") :-)
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
From "In Theory":
 
The death of that engineering officer (one might say that she had the
decks stacked against her) is the scariest scene I have seen on any
Star Trek episode. The previous scariest scene was the female crewmember
without her face after Charlie removed it in Charlie X.  I may have
nightmares about it.
 
Her death gives a whole new meaning to 'Midshipman' as well(;-).
 
According to Zen and the Art of Becoming a Good Officer, to achieve 
nirvana on board a spaceship, one must become one with the ship :-D
 
Yeah, you could tell from the look on her face she was really ...
 
...FLOORED by the whole thing ! (Urrrrrp!)
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Sunday afternoon in Houston Intercontinental Airport there was a page
for:
 
Dr. Leonard McCoy
 
I have no idea whether it was real or not, but I couldn't stop laughing.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  
From "Redemption":
 
Well, now we know what Wesley would be like if he were a Klingon.
 
And, we know what Patty and Selma (from The Simpsons) would be like if
*they* were Klingon.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Some interesting things about Marina Sirtis:
 
-She owns a Harley Davidson!  She said it is one of her favorite things to do. 
But, she has stopped riding it ever since her fiancee broke his leg on it.  It
has been broken for about 7 months now.(OUCH!)
-Yes, Marina will be getting married soon, though she does not know when it
will happen.  
-She says she is the one who gets picked on the most during the filming of the
shows.  One time she caught Brent Spiner trying to stuff her dog in a
microwave. :)
-Marina LOVES to shop.  We have tons of malls out here and she said she enjoyed
every single one of them. :)
-She looks more beautiful in person than she does on TV.  Now her hair is
shorter and her skin looks tanner.  She was wearing this tube leather skirt
with a pull over tank top.  All I could say was, "WOW!"
-Marina is very funny.  She puts on a good show and could probably be a
comedian if she wanted to.
-Her accent we hear on the show is a made up one.  She is pissed though that
none of the other Betazed characters were forced to learn the accent.  The
writers said they could not have her using her British accent when they already
have a supposed French Captain who has one. :)
 
*-MEGA-Interesting point!!!-*
 
	Did anyone know that Marina actually tried out for the part of TASHA
YAR!  Yep, and Denise Crosby was trying out for the part of Counselor Troi. 
The writers took on the both of them as cast, but switched their parts around. 
That is how Marina ended up as Troi.  Interesting huh?  Could we actually
picture Marina beating up people as head of security?? :)
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
And now, from the home office somewhere on Andromeda VII ...
 
 
  *** TOP TEN REASONS WHY WESLEY CRUSHER LEFT THE ENTERPRISE ***
 
 
#10)  "Crusher?  I just met her!" joke got old real quick.
 
 #9)  Questionable invitations to Captain's Ready Room during
        uneventful missions.

 #8)  Annoying snickers from crew whenever "Dr. Mom" left a
        brown-bag lunch at his station.
 
 #7)  Fake ID never worked in 10-Forward.
 
 #6)  Holodeck girls always turned him down.
 
 #5)  Always feared Counselor Troi could tell when he had been
        touching himself.
 
 #4)  Found recipe for "Cream of Young Ensign Soup" in Worf's
        room.
 
 #3)  Unjustly accused of leaving Data too close to the
        microwave.
 
 #2)  Got caught using transporter beam to get into Riker's
        collection of Romulan adult magazines.
 
  And the number one reason why Wesley Crusher left the Enterprise ...
 
    "Three's Company" reruns always interrupted by those stupid
      Federation distress signals.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Besides Spock's last name (or first name) there are other minor unanswered
>questions that hasn't been answered in the past 20 (or 25 years) like:
 
>7) What's the purpose of Dilithum crystals in the warp drive.
 
To break down at all the wrong times and cause enormous plot complications.
 
>8) Why the energy barriers at the edge of the galaxy.
 
Because it would look silly in the middle of the galaxy.  Geez...
 
>9) What happen to the Preservers.
 
They went down with the Titanic (I'm *really* sorry about this one).
 
>10) Who built the Doomsday Machine (yes I read Peter David's book
>Vendetta, loved it too).
 
Gene Roddenberry.
 
Actually, the real question that we have waited 20 years for is:
 
Is Kirk's hair real or is it a ...
 
 
TRIBBLE????
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Answering machine message:
 
 
Uhura:	[On communcator] Captain, we are being hailed....
 
		[giggles in the backqround]
 
Kirk:	I am in confrence with Yeoman Rand.  Engage the beep
          take a message.
 
		[A few TOS bleeps and whistles]
 
Uhura:	Captain, the beep is malfunctioning! 
 
Kirk:	[Aside]  My calls...My messages...My women...
		[to Uhura] I'm on my way Lieutenent.
 
		[Thud as Yeoman Rand drops to the floor]
 
		[Random curses as doors swish open and shut]
 
		[Doors to Bridge Swish open]
 
Kirk:	Status Mr. Scott?
 
Scott:	The tone circuits are completely overloaded from screening
    	  those calls from that green alien.
 
Spock:	If we do not engage the beep within 10 seconds there is a 
	  97.34% chance that your party will hang up.
 
Kirk:	Scotty, I need beep in 9.3 seconds.  
 
Scott:	There's no way...
 
Kirk:	Do it or I'll beam you into a wall.  Anaylsis Spock.
 
Spock:	Hypothesis Captain.  The only reason they can't leave a message
	  is because there is no tone to denote the starting point. Logically,
	  if this sound could be simulated...
 
Kirk:	Yes.....yes...then..I.....can get.........my........messages.
	McCoy can you...
 
McCoy:	I'M A DOCTOR NOT A SOUND EFFECT!!!
 
Spock:	5 seconds...
 
Kirk:	Scotty....where's my beep?
 
Scott:	It's jerryrigged sir, I just don't know...
 
Kirk:	The bulkhead is waiting...
 
Spock:	3...
 
Kirk:	Mr. Chekov, ready recording vessels.
 
Chekov:	Wessels ready...
 
Spock:	2...
 
Kirk:	Engage beep Lieutennant...
 
Spock: 	1...
 
Uhura:	Aye, sir.......
 
    <BEEP>
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Q: What goes: '<click> Have I done it? <click> Have I done it?'
A: Geordi La Forge doing the Rubik's Cube!!
 
 
[1] Q: What goes: "<thud> That hurt ! <smack> Please, that's enough !
         <crunch> Plee .. ase, Stop it ! <thwack> ...<moan> ...  "
    A: Someone who made a blindess joke, trapped in a pitch-dark room
       with a blind person armed with a 24th century infra-red vision
       prothesis and a 20th century white cane.
 
[2] Q: What goes "/usr/spool/mail/---- is full"
    A: "Dopey Man"'s mailbox.
 
[3] Q: What goes "<click> <click><clic><cli><cli<cli< .. <whirr>  ..  "
    A: Data doing Rubik's Cube.
 
[4] Q: What goes "Captain, I sense no emotion in this device .. "
    A: Troi doing Rubik's Cube.
 
[4'] Q: What goes "Computer, I detect no sense in this woman .. "
     A: Rubik's Cube doing Troi.
 
[5] Q: What goes "<smirk> Is this an Altairian love-toy ? <smirk> .. "
    A: Riker fondling Rubik's Cube.
 
[5'] Q: What goes "Are these Betazoid love-handles ?"
     A: <censored>
 
[6] Q: What goes "Engage !"
    A: Picard ordering Rubik's Cube to solve itself.
 
[7] Q: What goes "Cap'n, you kinna change the laws of Combinatorics .. "
 
[8] Q: What goes "It's not a puzzle as we know it, Jim !"
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
THE ENTERPRISE RAP by M. C. Bocim
 
Kirk:   Space, the final frontier . . .
 
        Take it away, rapping crew.
        Do that wacky thing that ya'll like to do.
 
        Mr. Sulu -- Warp 1.
        Set your phasers for stun.
 
        Spock.  Sp-sp-sp-spock.
        Bones.  B-b-b-b-bones.
 
Spock:  F-f-fascinating.  Fascinating.
        F-f-fascinating.  Fascinating.
 
Scotty: Captain, we need more power.
        Captain, we neen more power.
 
Ensign: I'm the ensign and I don't know
        If I'll be around at the end of the show.
        When I pop up, count on blood a gettin' spilled.
        I get a little curious and wind up gettin' killed.
        Whether my name is Todd, Tim, or Ted,
        The result is the same:
 
Bones:  Jim -- he's dead!  J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jim -- He's dead!
 
Scotty: My name is Scott and I run the transporters,
        But they only work till I run out o' quarters.
        Cap'n's always yappin' at me -- whine, whine, whine!
        I'd love to shove these crystals where the sun don't shine.
 
Kirk:   How much time, Scotty?
        How . . . much . . . time?
 
        Take it Spock.
 
Spock:  My name is Spock, and I'm a Vulcan.
        You can always find me in a corner sulkin'.
        I've got pointed ears and a neat bowl 'do.
        I'm the mondo-logic homeboy of this mighty rappin' crew.
        I am really smart and I've got the notion
        That I'm not supposed to show any emotion.
 
        F-f-fascinating.  Fascinating.
        F-f-fascinating.  Fascinating.
 
Kirk:   Take it Bones.
 
Bones:  Take it where, Jim?
        My name is Bones, and I'm the doc.
        Spend all my time just ripping on Spock.
        By day I'm mad, by night I'm drunk.
        I cut my own hair and I listen to punk.
 
        Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.  D-d-doctor not a rapper.
        Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.  D-d-doctor not a rapper.
 
Kirk:   My name is Kirk, and I'm the cap.
        I'm just here to do the Enterprise rap.
        Kickin' Klingons and Romulans, stompin' on the Gorn--
        I'm the baddest rappin' captain that has ever been born.
        When a lady's around, you know I'm a flirt.
        My lip always bleeds and I always tear my shirt.
 
All:    We live in a ship twenty miles long.
        Came at Warp 9 just to sing you this song.
        Bodies by Weider, moves by Bob Fosse
        Give it up for the Enterprise posse.
 
Bones:  Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.  D-d-doctor not a rapper.
        Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.  D-d-doctor not a rapperrrrrrrr.
 
Kirk:   Nice solo, Bones.
 
Bones:  Thanks, Jim.
 
Spock:  Fascinating.  Illogical, but fascinating.
 
All:    We're the Enterprise rappin' crew
        Beamin' on down, bringing it to you.
        We love to move, we love to clap.
        We're just here to do the Enterprise Rap.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
To all you people complaining about Paramount jerking all of us around,
just remember that infamous Sheliac line (Ensigns_of_Command I think):
 
'THE LAW IS PARAMOUNT!'
 
(or is it the other way around?)
 
