
PC Programming
by Greg Borek 

You sent for me, sir?

Yes, Bungle, yes.  Come in, take a seat.  As you know, it is
difficult to compete in the current software marketplace.  We have to
run a lean and efficient company just to be competitive.  This is
often complicated by burdens placed on the company from outside. 

I don't quite follow you, sir.

I won't beat about the bush, Bungle.  I've spent all morning meeting
with our legal people and they say in order to reduce the risks of
future lawsuits the company needs to conform more closely with
President Rodham's "Politically Correct Guide to Removing Creativity
and Productivity from the Workplace".  They suggested that we
establish some behavioral guidelines and counsel some of our
employees about their behavior.

How does this involve me?

Frankly, Bungle, they are concerned about the behavior of the
programmers on your team.

I don't understand.  I've made sure all the members of my team have
been to every required sexual harassment seminar.  I've made sure my
programmers do not tell naughty jokes, comment on any female
employee's clothing, ask female employees on for phone numbers or
dates, or hold doors for them.  Policy is still not settled on the
carrying of heavy objects since Anderson got written up for not
carrying those 3 VAX 750s for Ms. Hardacre... I think we left it that
if the object weighs 30 times your own weight or less you are
supposed to carry it, but only in a subservient manner.

No, Bungle, no, you don't understand.  This isn't about that nonsense
at all.  They merely suggested that you and your programmers, well,
uh, act more like programmers.

What do you mean, sir?

Well, according to the guidance provided by the lawyers, programmers
are supposed to behave in certain predictable ways, thus relieving
some of the stress on the other employees by enabling them to predict
the programmers' behavior.

They want us to conform to a stereotype?

Oh, yes, yes.  I'm not very clear on why, but the lawyers seem to be
behind this concept in a big way.  Maybe because of the uniformity of
the esteem afforded lawyers they want to foster these stereotypes.
Anyway, here are a few items that the legal people suggested I pass
along.  Remember, these items take on an almost religious
significance to most programmers so make sure you and your people
memorize every detail, no matter how apparently insignificant.  To
begin, here are all 45 episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Memorize the sketches in every program and be prepared to recite
random bits of dialog in a loud, high voice at inappropriate times.

Monty Python tapes.  Got it.  OK, what else?

Here are some tapes of the original Star Trek series.  Memorize the
dialog for these too, as well as many irrelevant details and
scientific contradictions as possible.  You don't need to know the
names of the security people that inevitably get killed on "away
teams," although one of them is always named Ensign Liebowitz.  Don't
pay too much attention to the recurring themes of freedom and
independence; these recently outmoded concepts can be passed off as 
'60s naivete.

Original Star Trek.  Check.

There are some assorted books here, too.  J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord
of the Rings" trilogy and "The Hobbit" are required reading.  Also,
memorization of Douglas Adams "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" is
imperative.  As a general rule, you can't go wrong with including any
science fiction.  As for games, you should play a lot of Dungeons &
Dragons.  The rules are hideously complex and there are many, many
tables of items, spells, monsters, and abilities.  Spend endless
hours thinking of how to resolve contradictions in the rules like
whether an invisible person casts a shadow.  And play chess, too.
Mind you, you don't have to play very well, just talk a good game.
Make wild unsupportable claims about your ability.

What about diet, sir?

Good point, Bungle, good point.  Restrict the programmers to high
sugar, high caffeine beverages like sweetened coffee or soda.  Try
and restrict their food intake to pizza, but this isn't strictly
necessary as any food that can be delivered by a delivery person of
foreign birth is sufficient.  That reminds me: except for the
possibility of throwing frisbees, programmers are not supposed to
exercise.  Programmers are supposed to be recognizable by body shape.
The guidelines for this are a bit spotty but a good rule of thumb is
the widest part of the programmer should be somewhere around the
middle.  Furthermore, a nice deathly pallor is always taken for a
sign of intelligence or death, so keep the programmers out of the
sunlight.  As a matter of fact, get them to change their sleeping
habits so they more closely resemble a vampire's.

My goodness, I had no idea we were supposed to be filling our brains
with all of this information.  Obviously, sir, we won't have enough
time to memorize all of this and still maintain the same level of
code production.

I know, Bungle, I know, but remember that in the '90s it's more
important to be politically correct than productive.            {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway 
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire.  Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129.  Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
