Science Fiction: TechNo-Geeks (SF:TNG)
by Dave Bealer

Advanced technology has been the backbone of science fiction
throughout the history of the genre.  Whiz-bang special effects
and fantastic bug-eyed monsters from fascinating alien cultures are
the magnets that have drawn millions to theatres and TV screens for
the past forty years.  But, with the exception of the shopworn "alien
invasion" sub-genre, advanced technology is what has allowed mankind
to venture forth into space and meet these wonderful, and often
terrible, aliens.  

In the 1950s, with few true frontiers left on this planet, many
people sought an escape, even for a short time, in the alien
landscapes of science fiction.  The aliens were invariably short,
green and bug-eyed.  Computers were masses of blinking, beeping
machinery.  In those early years when real computers were shown on
the screen, the part usually shown was the tape drives.  That's
because spinning tapes are about the only part of real mainframe
computers that actually *do* anything interesting.  The sad truth is
that the science fiction movies of this period are regular (and quite
appropriate) subjects of ridicule on _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_.

A classic example of this phenomenon was the early-sixties TV series
_Time Tunnel_, which featured a huge underground science complex
under the desert of the Southwestern U.S.  The projects's massive 
computer was controlled by two large control panels in front of the
tunnel entrance, staffed by the lead technicians on the project.  The
remainder of the computer was mostly represented by two banks of tape
drives, complete with madly spinning tape reels.  The fact that the
system never seemed to work correctly can probably be traced to the
fact that all of the project applications were written in COBOL...
un-structured COBOL. 

Automata sensitivity experts now believe that Colossus, the star of
_Colossus: The Forbin Project_ would never have turned to evil if it
had been programmed in a friendly language like C or BASIC, rather
than the anal-retentive FORTRAN.  Computers hell-bent on destroying
mankind remain a popular sub-genre of science fiction.  Joshua's tape
drives were much in evidence in the 1983 thriller _Wargames_.  Also
popular is the "Killer Robot" syndrome, as portrayed by the Cylons in
_Battlestar Galactica_.  The epitome of this classification is, of
course, Arnold Schwarzenegger's loquacious _Terminator_.

In 1966 a new presence appeared on the small screen that changed the
landscape of science fiction forever.  _Star Trek_ debuted to a great
deal of acclaim from viewers, but was cancelled just three years
later, despite hundreds of thousands of letters from fans.  I shall
now reveal, at great personal risk, the *real* reason the original
_Star Trek_ series was cancelled.  It was the computers on board the
_Enterprise_ - which never used tape drives.  Network executives
couldn't cope with the idea of computers without spinning,  blinking
tape drives to show on screen. 

Actually, that's not true.  The *real* reason _Star Trek_ was
cancelled was that *I* liked it!  That's right.  During the sixties
and early seventies any TV program which I enjoyed watching was
promptly cancelled.  Don't worry, intensive counseling has helped me
overcome this great tragedy of my childhood.  I *do* still exhibit a
Former Chief Inspector Dreyfus-like facial twitch whenever someone
pours me a big bowl of Wheaties.  But the shrink says there is only a
slight chance of my becoming a cereal killer. 

Each generation of science fiction has had its technological
advances, needed to keep ahead of rapidly advancing real scientific
achievement.  The syndicated series _Star Trek: The Next Generation_
(ST:TNG) has set new records for sheer volume of ridiculous techno-
babble and pseudo-technology foisted on the audience in the name of
plot.  Lt. Cmdr. Data may be an android, but precious little remains
of Captain Picard's original human body.  That poor old guy has been
through the wringer.  Only a piece of his right big toe is original.
Everything else has been replaced, and in some cases enhanced, by the
brilliant (and libidinous) Dr. Beverly Crusher. 

The unbelievable scientific conjuring that is perpetrated in the Big
E's engineering area (not to mention the holodeck) leads to the
obvious conclusion that there is little difference between the
technology of ST:TNG and _Weird Science_, except Geordi and Data
aren't wearing bras on their heads when they create their "miracles".
                                                                {RAH}
