 
Good crowd..good crowd.  I'm telling
you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok
now  but  last  week I was in  rough
shape.. you know.


Why?  I looked up my family tree and
found out I was the sap.




I come from a stupid family.  During
the civil war my great uncle  fought
for the west!



My father was stupid. He worked in a
bank and  they  caught him  stealing
pens.



When I was born..the doctor came out
to the  waiting  room and said to my
father.. "I'm  very  sorry.  We  did
everything we  could..but he  pulled
through."

My mother had morning sickness after
I was born.




My  mother never  breast fed me. She
told me that she only  liked me as a
friend.



My father carries around the picture
of the kid who came with his wallet.




When I played in the sandbox the cat
kept covering me up.




I could tell that my  parents  hated
me.  My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.



Some  dog I got  too.  We  call  him
Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in
every room.



What a dog I got.  His favorite bone
is in my arm!




I  worked  in  pet store and  people
kept asking how big I'd get.




One  year  they  wanted  to  make me
poster boy.. for birth control.




I remember the time I was  kidnapped
and  they  sent  back a  piece of my
finger  to  my  father.  He  said he
wanted more proof!


My uncle's dying wish was to have me
sitting on his lap.  He  was in  the
electric chair.



I went to a phreak show and they let
me in for nothing.




I stuck my head out the  window  and
got arrested for mooning!




I saw a cop... asked him to  help me
find my  parents. I said to him.."Do
you think  we'll ever find them." He
said.."I  don't know kid.. there are
so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so  depressed I was
going to  jump  out a  window on the
tenth floor.. so they sent a  priest
up to talk to me.  He said.."On your
mark..."

On Halloween..the parents send their
kids out looking like me.




Last year.. one kid  tried to rip my
face off!




Now it's  different.. when I  answer
the door the kids hand me candy.




When  my  old  man  wanted  sex.. my
mother would  show him a  picture of
me.



I had a lot of pimples too.  One day
I fell asleep in a  library.  I woke
up and a  blind  man was  reading my
face.


My wife made me join a  bridge club.
I jump off next tuesday.




One time I went to a hotel.  I asked
the  bellhop to  handle my  bag.  He
felt up my wife!



It's tough to stay  married. My wife
kisses the dog on the  lips..yet she
won't drink from my glass!



Last  week  my tie  caught on  fire.
Some guy tried to put it out with an
axe!



For two hours..some guy  followed me
around with a pooper scooper.




I  met  the   surgeon   general.  He
offered me a cigarette!




This  morning when I put on my under
wear I  could hear the  Fruit of the
Loom guys laughing at me.



Another travel agent told me I could
spend 7 nights in  Hawaii. No days..
just nights.



My  problem  is  that  I  appeal  to
everyone that can do me absolutly no
good.



They say.."Love thy  neighbor as thy
self."  What am I  supposed  to  do?
Jerk him off too?



At  christmas time I sat on  santa's
lap.  His fly was open.  Boy..what a
present he gave me!



My sex life is terrible. My wife put
a mirror over the dogs bed.




Actually she did put the mirror over
our bed. She says she likes to watch
herself laugh.



I'm a  bad  lover.  Once I  caught a
peeping tom booing me.




My wife  only has sex  with me for a
purpose.  Last night she  used me to
time an egg.



I asked my wife if she would put out
the garbage.  She said.."Why  should
I.. you never put out for me."



I  asked   her  if  she   enjoys  a
cigarette after sex.She said.."No..
one drag is enough."



I got myself good this  morning too.
I did my push ups in the nude..but I
didn't see the mouse trap.



A girl  phoned me and said.."Come on
over  there's  nobody home." I  went
over. Nobody was home!



A  hooker  once  told me  she  had a
headache.




I  went to  message parlor.  It  was
self service.




My  only  thrill is  self  inflicted
hickies.




If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd
have no sex life at all.




I was  making love to  this girl and
she started crying. I said.."Are you
going  to   hate   yourself  in  the
morning?"  She  said.. "No.. I  hate
myself now."

She  was  no   bargain  either.  She
showed up  with  pigtails  under her
arms.



She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- She  got on the  scale and a  card
  came out saying.. "One at a time."


She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- Her bath tub has stretch  marks.



She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- Her  belly  button  makes an echo.



She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- She has her own postal code.



She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- She wears a  "CROSS  YOUR  THIGHS"
  bra.


She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- She  has a  dress  with a  sign on
  the  back  saying.. "Caution  wide
  load."

She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- Her  clothes are  made by Omar the
  tent maker.


She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- When guys  have sex  with her they
  ask for directions.


She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- One day  I ran  into  her  with my car.  She
  asked me  why I  didn't ride around her.  I
  told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.

She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- Her  bikini is made out of two bed
  bed sheets.


She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- When guys eat her out they ask for
  provisions for the trip.


She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- Her  mother  ripped  when  she had
  her.


She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- She  uses  a  septic  tank  for  a
  toilet.


She was so ugly that...
- She  was  known as a  two  bagger.
  That's when a girl is so ugly that
  you put a bag  over  your  head in
  case the bag over her head breaks.

She was so ugly that...
- I bent  down to  pet her cat  only
  to  find  that it was the  hair on
  her legs.


She was so ugly that...
- I  took her to a dog  show and she
  won first prize.



She was so ugly that...
- They  use her in  prisons to  cure
  sex offenders.



She was so ugly that...
- I  took  her to  the  top  of  the
  Empire State  building and  planes
  started to attack her.


She was so ugly that...
- She looks like she came  second in
  a hatchet fight!



She was so ugly that...
- The  last time I saw a  mouth like
  hers it  had a  hook on the end of
  it.


She was so ugly that...
- She has a  face  like a  saint.  A
  saint bernard!



I was tired one  night and I went to the bar to
have a few  drinks.  The bartender  asked  me..
"What'll  you have?"  I  said.."surprise  me."
He showed  me a  naked  picture  of  my wife.


During sex my wife  always  wants to
talk to me. Just the other night she
called me from a hotel.



My  marriage is on the  rocks again.
Yeah..my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend.



One day..as I came  home  early from
work..I saw a guy  jogging naked.  I
said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are
you  doing   that  for?"  He  said..
"Because you came home early."

I went to  look for a  used  car.  I
found my  wife's  dress in the  back
seat!



Once in a  restuarant I made a toast
to her.."The best woman a  man  ever
had." The waiter joined me.



Its been a rough day.  I got up this
morning..put on a shirt and a button
fell off.  I picked up my  briefcase
and the handle came off.  I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom!

I had a  problem. I tried group sex.
Now I have a new  problem...I  don't
know who to thank!



My  friends  and  I   played  a  new
version  of  Russian   roulette.  We
passed  around six  girls and one of
them had VD.


I remember when I swallowed a bottle
of  sleeping  pills.  He told me  to
have a few drinks and get some rest.



I told  him I  think my wife has VD.
He   gave    himself   a   shot   of
penicillin.



I told my dentist my teeth are going
yellow.  He told me to  wear a brown
necktie.



He  found a new way to  cover up his
bad breath...he holds up his arms.




Why every time he  smokes..he  blows
onion rings.




My  physchiatrist told me I'm  going
crazy.  I  told him.. "If you  don't
mind I'd  like a  second opinion.  "He
said.."Alright..you're ugly too."


I was so  ugly..my  mother  used  to
feed me with a sling shot!




When I was born the  doctor took one
look at my face...turned me over and
said.. "Look...twins!"



And  we  were  poor  too.  Why  if I
wasn't born a boy..I'd have  nothing
to play with!

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