WAR JOKES

    Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Hopes for the New Year
    -----------------------------------------------    
    10. That the chef won't continue serve ``date surprise'' every night
        of the week.
    
    9. in between brutally silencing his opponents he'll be able to find
        a little quite time for himself.

    8. be able to use the Video Toaster to make Iraqi TV footage of 
       ``Death to American Satan'' rallies look more like a Vanilla Ice
       video.
    
    7. no one realizes that Tariq Aziz used to play Larry Tate on
       ``Bewitched''.
       
    6. there will finally be a college football playoff system.

    5. that people won't start wondering why they've never seen him 
       and the official government spokesmen together. 

    4. that Iraq will have a piece of Saudi Arabia--- oops that
       should be that Iraq will have *peace with* Saudi Arabia.

    3. the New York Post will stop using his first name as a verb.
    
    2. that Noriega's lawyer has received the retainer he sent.
    
    1. (tie) lose ten pounds/get around to poison gassing the Kurds like
       he promised the wife last year. 

-=+=-

Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Worries About Desert Storm
---------------------------------------------------

10. Boxcar Willie album collection hard to carry from bunker to bunker

9. During a night raid, he might mistake jock strap for gas mask (again)

8. Cutting off CNN may mean loss of MTV

7. Possible disqualification from the Mr. Olympia pageant

6. His private Bryl-creem factory might be mistaken for a weapons plant

5. He'll run out of pre-rumpled fatigues

4. He could win Lotto, and not find out the numbers

3. He might finally get Late Night tickets, for *this* week

2. People keep calling his weapons names like 'scud'

1. Breakdown of infrastructure may mean warm beer and stale chips for the
   Super Bowl

-=+=-

Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait:

10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over.

9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can shoot them.

8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country.

7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal.

6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf."

5) War not as fun when other side shoots back.

4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working.

3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells.

2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books about him.

1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down."

-=+=-

Subject: Saddam's Thanksgiving Wish

        Q:  What does Saddam Hussein want for Thanksgiving?
        A:  Turkey.

-=+=-

From: evan@apollo.com (Evan Morton)
Subject: last hope for peace
Keywords: topical, original, smirk

A top Mideast expert at a major American university pointed out that
there is one final chance for a diplomatic solution to the Persian Gulf
crisis that hasn't been tried.  The United States must send a message
to Saddam Hussein saying "Simon says get out of Kuwait."
                          ----- ----

-=+=-

Rising D.C. Pizza Index indicates war

WASHINGTON - The pizza index indicates military action is imminent in
the gulf, a Domino's delivery official said today.
  Record numbers of late-night pizza deliveries have been made to the
White House, Pentagon and State Department, said Frank Meeks, owner of
several Washington-area Domino's outlets.  Similar patterns came
immediately before the invasions of Panama and Grenada, he said.
  The record for late-night deliveries to CIA headquarters came the
night before Iraq invaded Kuwait last August, Meeks said.

-=+=-

To the tune of the obvious song...

Attacking planes, incoming strafes,
No one knows, how much he'll take.
For U.S. oil, the pilots ride,
The sanctions failed, but hey we tried.
Hussein's a twit, he's gotta know,
Shamir'll launch, a Jericho.
It's all been planned, but lips are sealed,
I wonder why, he didn't deal!

Oh, you like 'em whether they're a pain or a bluff, oh yeah...

Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough,
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to SCUDs!

-=+=-

How many Iraqi's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four.
One to screw in the light bulb.
One to claim that they've actually screwed in 300 light bulbs.
One to claim that they've unscrewed 150 American light bulbs.
And one to claim that they're screwing and unscrewing light bulbs
  for the Palestinians.

-=+=-


"Baghdad Betty" is Iraq's answer to Tokyo Rose.  Here's her latest:

   Why are you Americans here? Don't you know you will die in the desert?
   While you are here your wives and girlfriends are dating American
   movie stars. Movie stars like Tom Selleck, Paul Newman and Bart
   Simpson!

Picture that.
						Matt Ginsberg
-=+=-

The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN.  At each commercial,
unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed.

If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change
the channel except during scud attacks (see below).

If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute.  The last
person to salute takes a shot.

If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath.  The first
person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot.
That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.

If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout
"Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next "scud."
The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large
airbase in central Saudi Arabia."  Anyone naming the wrong city must
also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the
error.

Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout
"woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.

A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table.  Whenever the phrase
"ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first
person to grab the shot gets it.

Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the
channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS
on another TV until the next "scud."  I realize that this one is a judgement
call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something
stupid anyway.  Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.

-=+=-

This idea was proposed by Cathy Foderaro (chf@Franz.COM), and it's been
elaborated on since the original proposal.

Y'know how the planes involved in the gulf war have nicknames (the best
of which is the "Wild Weasel")?  Several of us were speculating about
David Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Airplane Nicknames.  In no particular
order, we've come up with

        10) the B-3 Near-sighted Sissyboy dive bomber
         9) the SW252 Tree Sloth Sidewinder missile
         8) the F-112 Fluffy Poodle vertical take-off jet
     	 7) the M-113 Roadkill armored personel carrier
     	 6) the F-117B Capybara Stealth fighter
         5) the AK39 Turbo Q-Tip attack plane
     	 4) the F-21 Emu jet fighter
         3) the f-14 Nose-hair torpedo
         2) the B-6 Rod McKuen Sonnet carrier bomber

And the number one answer...

         1) the A-14 Screamin' Yugo recon-jet

Of course, the topic opens up a whole new realm of punning...

        the TomCruise Missile
        the SideSwiper Missile (guaranteed to never directly impact the target)
        the Disintegrates Upon Dispatch or DUD missile
        the new scuds on the block
        the Ernest and Julio Gallo delayed detonation missile
					    (will not explode before its time)

But none of this can really match the humor inherent in the name
"Wolf Blitzer"...

-=+=-

Good news:  Saddam Hussein is living on borrowed time.
Bad news:   It was borrowed from a failed savings and loan.

-=+=-

  Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and
destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times.   The Patriots were launched
from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before
they were destroyed.   The advanced Iraqi early warning system has
permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before
the Patriot missle it will destroy.

-=+=-

Q: "What do Saddam Hussein and his father have in common?"
A: "They both pulled out a little too late...  Kuwaitis Interruptis..."

-=+=-

You've heard about the Saddam Hussein condom - for big pricks who don't pull
out on time...

-=+=-

Q:  What do Saddam Hussein and a tight pair of pantyhose have in common?
A:  They both irritate Bush.

-=+=-

Q:  What do Saddam Hussein and Fred Flintstone have in common?
A:  When they look out their windows, they both see rubble!

-=+=-

I saw this in the Oakland (California) Tribune:

        Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?

        He elected to receive.

-=+=-

General Thomas Kelly at a Pentagon briefing last Friday on the report
that Sadaam Hussein had executed the heads of the Iraqi Air Force and
Air Defenses said he didn't know if it was true but added:

        "He does have a rather dynamic zero-defects program."

-=+=-

Have you seen the types of people going to anti-war protests?  Some look quite
like a freak show...  Do you know why they want to "bring the troops home"?

Because they can't wait to get their hands on all the surplus Army boots.

-=+=-

Q:  How do you get 200 Iraqis out of a bingo hall?
A:  Shout "B-52!"

-=+=-

News Flash:  Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American
             lawyers.  He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!

-=+=-

 Paraphrased from Time magazine, dated 2-4-91, without permission:

       It is reported (in a certain Kuwaiti newspaper-in-exile
     currently published from Saudi Arabia) that Saddam Hussein
     has employed 50 astrologers to help him in planning the war.

       Well, it worked for Ronald Reagan, didn't it?

-=+=-

The War in the Persian Gulf gives the opportunity for the first true
UNIX holiday.  In the tradition of VE Day (May 7, 1945) and VJ Day (September
2, 1945), if the Allies beat Iraq, there will be a VI Day.

-=+=-

Music for Our Boys:  Doris Day and the Persian Gulf War

This is original to me, and started as a response to an
Oracle Question.  

If you've never seen Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in
_The_Man_Who_Knew_Too_Much_, you should really make
an effort.  Doris Day sings "Que Sera Sera" to her
kid, who by the end of the film is pretty shook up.
Here's the new version, updated for current events:


    When I was just a little boy
    I asked my mother, what will I be?
    Will I be handsome,
        will I be rich?
    Here's what she said to me:

    Hey Saddam, Saddam,
    Whatever will be will be
    But you're messing with Mean Marines,
    Hey Saddam, Saddam.

    When I was just a boy in school
    I asked my teacher, what should I try?
    Should I try gassing, 
        or making bombs?
    Here was her wise reply:

    Hey Saddam, Saddam....

    When I grew up and joined the war,
    I asked my Sergeant, will I be brave?
    Will I kick asses, 
        will I take names?
    Here's what he screamed and raved:

    Hey Saddam, Saddam....

    When I sent troops into Kuwait ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H The 19th Province
    I asked my Generals, how will we do?
    How long 'till victory
        is in our hands?
    These words they spoke were true:

    Hey Saddam, Saddam....

    Now I have armies of my own
    They ask their leader will we survive?
    Down in the bunkers,
        Where the bombs fall,
    They know I'm still alive!

    Hey Saddam, Saddam,
    I guess that we'll all know soon,
    'Cause Norm has a plan for doom!
    Hey Saddam, Saddam
        What will be, will be.


-=+=-

Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart
weapons.  The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office 
to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the 
main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights.  Upon reaching 
the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct 
password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before
detonating.

The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different
concept of a truly "smart" weapon.  It would say to the designer, "You want
me to crash into a concrete wall and explode?  No, no, no.  Let me have a
chat with the man.  Give me a letter of introduction, 'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to
see Saddam Hussein' or words to that effect.  I'd say to him, 'You realize
that I'm carrying a half-ton of explosive, and if I were to carry out my
intended mission, well, it would be an enormous headache for your maintenance
staff.  I'd much prefer to have a spot of tea and discuss the latest video
technology.  If you'd be a good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we
could reach an amicable agreement.'"

I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme.  Contemplative weapons
might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong
flavor of existentialism could have a devastating effect.  "Whether I destroy
an Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the
universe."  There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile.

For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make
weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more
complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-
mindedness of an untenured professor.  The weapons, that is.

-=+=-

From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: Saddam's New Year message

 Well hello there everyone, this is your old pal Saddam Hussein
(supreme ruler of Iraq, Kuwait, and those parts of Neptune with
lots of oil) hoping that you're feeling as grrrrrreat as I am...
I feel so good I could eat a new-born baby -- in fact I'm having
one for dinner.

 Welcome to 1991, a year which is going to be a bundle of fun
from beginning to end, guys.

 Now to all you servicemen in the Gulf... go home, guys. Your
wife is currently committing adultery with Donald Duck, Bugs
Bunny and Dan Quail -- funny how all these sexy stars have animal
names isn't it? Still who can forget my old pal Camel Attaturk...

 Now, what you're all wondering is... will I be invading the
United States after January 15th, in order to win back Alaska in
the most holy name of Mohammed? Historically of course Alaska is
a part of Iraq, and the Americans only took it to ensure their
oil interests. Well, Bushy, old man, you've been found out. The
Baghdad branch of the United Nations (chairman Saddam Hussein,
vice-chairman Mr Toxiq Gaziz) has met and unanimously condemned
your actions. So there. Anyway the invasion date for Alaska is
being kept secret, because we can't trust our generals to turn up
on the right date anyway, but it'll probably be on February 8th.

 It's been a good year in Iraq. Fiscal growth this year was about
10%, mostly in the form of Kuwaiti postage stamps. Any of you
collectors like to buy some? We've also been rebuilding our
ancient heritage -- as some of you know, I am directly descended
from Belshazzar the King, so we're now putting up some new
apartments in Babylon. We're also giving Sodom and Gomorrah a
face-lift as well -- they should provide a tourist attraction to
rival Disneyland, know what I mean?

 Well, that's about the end of my new year message. I've got to
put on my wig now and act as Lord Chief Justice of Baghdad.
Luckily we find all prisoners guilty unless they pay me in
advance of the trial, so it's not going to take long.

 Bye for now. I love you all.

 Your own Emperor Saddam the Cuddly, supreme ruler of Neptune,
twice voted 'most sexy moustache of Baghdad', camel-driving
certificate (first class), doctor of philosophy.

-=+=-

Saddam's top ten withdrawl conditions

Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Conditions for Quitting Kuwait
-------------------------------------------------------

10) Syria must give control of Lebanon back to Lebanon,
    which must in turn give control back to Phoenicia.

 9) The US must sell Alaska back to Russia and the Louisiana
    Purchase back to France.

 8) Saudi Arabia must pay for all the Scuds that were fired
    at it to liberate Palestine.

 7) The Pope must convert to Islam (or at least Baathism).

 6) All Israeli Jews must tread water in the Mediterranean
    Sea for 40 years.

 5) Spain must give back much of its land to the Moors.

 4) Kuwait must reimburse Iraq for the costs of transporting
    Iraqi troops into Kuwait and Kuwaiti goods into Iraq.

 3) The Kurds must repay Iraq's expenses incurred while
    dropping poison gas on them.

 2) King Fahad and Presidents Mubarak and Assad must have a
    mud wrestling match, with only the last man remaining
    in the ring being spared from execution.

And his most important condition:

 1) George Bush must apologize to the UN General Assembly in drag.

-=+=-

Saddam Hussein was in his palace the other day, and posed the following
question to his mirror:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the evilest son-of-a-bitch of all?

And after he received his answer, he went out and said unto the Revolutionary
Command Council "Who the fuck is Brian Mulroney?"

-=+=-

Q:  How do you get 30 Iraqis into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it isn't theirs.

Q:  How do you get 30 Israelis into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's air-tight

Q:  How do you get 30 Americans into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's got oil in it

Q:  How do you get 30 French into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's not in Iraq

Q:  How do you get 30 Europeans into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them there's no fighting involved

Q:  How do you get 30 British politicians in a phone booth?
A:  Tell them there are votes in it

Q:  How do you get 30 Brits into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's safer than a Tornado

Q:  How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them an Iraqi lives there

Q:  How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a phone booth?
A:  Tell the MI5 men it's Penton-ville Prison

Q:  How do you get 30 Russians into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them there's a slice of bread in it

Q:  How do you get 30 peace protesters into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's the American Embassy

Q:  How do you get 30 Turks into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's not an airbase, honest

Q:  How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them there's an Iraqi coming

Q:  How do you get 30 Iranians into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah

Q:  How do you get 30 American Generals into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's a target of a Scud missile

Q:  How do you get 30 reporters into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them it's in Baghdad

Q:  How do you get 30 Palestinians into a phone booth?
A:  Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories

Q:  How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a phone booth?
A:  You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a phone booth...

Q:  How do you get 30 students into a phone booth?
A:  Make the other 70 homeless

-=+=-

It's amazing how well prepared Saddam Hussein is.  In his bunker with
him he has a heart surgeon in case something happens to his heart, a
podiatrist in case something happens to his feet, and a proctologist
in case something happens to his brain.

-=+=-

While watching the Superbowl half-time show, I saw video depicting tanks
traveling across sand dunes with titles saying "cleared by U.S. military."
My immediate reaction was say that the area used to be filled with urban
sprawl and that our military had really been effective in leveling it all.

-=+=-

No more supporting "our boys in the field."  Even unreconstructed
generals now refer to "our fighting men and women."  To paraphrase
NPR's Cokie Roberts, it won't be the first time it took a woman to
make a boy into a man.

-=+=-

Q:  What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?
A:  We've bombed the shit out of all of 'em!!

-=+=-

Subject: Word Play in the Gulf (topical,original)

SADDAM HUSSEIN is just an amagram for HIDE US, DAMN ASS.

-=+=-

One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein:

Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the
Union address:

"Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq."

-=+=-

I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the
Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile.

-=+=-

Considering the luck Husseins been having with his Scud missiles and
anti-aircraft guns lately I'd bet he can't use the bathroom without
getting his shoes wet.

-=+=-

Q: What does one Raytheon engineer say to another?
A: How about them Patriots?

-=+=-

What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why
she's leaving the country?
     a) "We're having some remodeling done."
     b) "The exterminators are coming."
     c) "We're getting the carpets bombed."
     d) All of the above.

-=+=-

>From the British satirical radio show "Week Ending":

Adviser:	"Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired.  What shall we
		 do?"
Bush:		"Send in Colin Powell"
Adviser:	"Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?"
Bush:		"No, I mean send him in to my office!"
Powell:		"Sir!"
Bush:		"What would be the result of an air strike on
		 Wednesday night?"
Powell:		"Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city
		 razed to the ground, Sir!"
Bush:		"You know I don't understand that military jargon!
		 Give it to me in words I can understand."
Powell:		"Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral
		 upheaval, Sir!"
Bush:		"That bad?!"

-=+=-

Q:  What is the best Iraqi job?
A:  Foreign Ambassador

-=+=-

So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq?

The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable
evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace.

-=+=-

Picture a comic strip type joke:

1st picture: George Bush holds an egg...."Saddam, this is your brain."

2nd picture: Puts egg in pan...."This is your brain on drugs."

3rd picture: Adds  bacon...."This is your brain with a side order of
             bacon."

4th picture: Holds Uzi over pan..."This is your brain if you don't get
             out of Kuwait."

5th picture:    _______
               /|||||||\
               ||{   }|||______
               ||{___}|||______|
               \|||||||/

-=+=-

Israel has begun its retaliation against Iraq.

It's filed 10,000 lawsuits.

-=+=-

Regarding smart weapons...

I can't quite call anything that drops off a plane traveling several hundred
miles an hour and few thousand feet in the air to dive nose first into a
concrete wall just to explode "smart".

-=+=-

George Bush, Francois Mitterand and Saddam Hussein are sitting in
a bar, drinking and bragging.

GB: If I stand on the Statue of Liberty I can see all of New York
    below me.

FM: No big deal. If I stand on the Eiffel tower I can see all of
    Paris below me as well.

SH: So what? If I stand on my chair I can also see all of Baghdad
    below me...

-=+=-

Q:  Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A:  They need a map....

-=+=-

A quote from the Wall Street Journal, 1/25/91

"As the first days of the war passed, the computer underground's
particular brand of humor, always a bit warped, has taken a newly morbid
tone.  An oil-worker in Khahran posted this weather forecast on Last
Outpost (BBS):

`Baghdad will be bright and sunny, with lows in the mid-40s and highs
in the upper 10,000s.  Winds will be from the south, southeast, and
southwest at 1,500-1,800 knots.  Sunscreen 300 is recommended.  Chances
of precipitation of molten objects are 90-99%'"

-=+=-

The Iraqi Air Force: We fly more international flights out of Baghdad than
                     any other carrier in the world.

                     Recently the US Air Force slogan has been changed to
                     "Aim Low".

-=+=-

Despite the negative media coverage, the Iraqi ground forces are actually
performing their task with alarming success.  Clearly, they're first objective
in the campaign is to destroy the massive coalition stockpiles of conventional
weapons.

-=+=-

From: bush@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush)
Newsgroups: sub.jokes
Subject: Re:  Atomic Warheads
Summary: You can have it if you really want it :-)
Date: 25 Jan 91 23:31:44 GMT
Reply-To: bush@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush)
Organization: Government of the USA

>>> In article <3322@irak.gulf.mil> hussein@irak.gulf.mil (S. Hussein) writes:
>
>I seek fully functional atomic warheads (delivery system already on hand).
>Will pay any price.

==> do notice the return address, "hussein@irak.gulf.mil"

-------------------- reply from bush@usa.whitehouse.mil -----------------

No problem, you can have several of them including carrier rockets. The only
thing you have to do is to use just one chemical weapon against the US. >>>:-]

Bomb ya later,
President Bush - bush@usa.whitehouse.mil

-=+=-

Paramount Pictures has just announced the release of their
latest sphagetti western, "THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY" starring
Mikhail Gorbachev, George Bush, and Sadam Hussein.

-=+=-

Q:  Did you hear about the new musical group in Iraq?
A:  No Kids on the Block.

-=+=-

Q:  How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  It doesn't matter.  The electricity's been off for a month anyway.

-=+=-

>From the Random House unabridged:

scud, v., ... 3. Archery. (of an arrow) to fly too high and wide of
the mark.

-=+=-

Subject: Iraq/Internet Humor.
From: lord_zar@ucrmath.ucr.edu (wayne wallace)

% ftp bunker.baghdad.iq
Connected to bunker.baghdad.iq
220 bunker.baghdad.iq FTP server (IslamOS 1.0) ready.
Name (bunker.baghdad.iq:gbush): allah
331 Password required for allah.
Password:
230 User allah logged in.
ftp> bin
200 Type set to I.
ftp> put BIG_BOMB.NUKE
200 PORT command successful.
150 BINARY data connection for /home/staff/gbush/BIG_BOMB.NUKE (1.1.1.1,623)
226 BINARY transfer complete.
ftp> bye
221 Goodbye.

-=+=-

Subject: The REAL surrender terms

(Original.  Inspired by George Bush's calling Hussein's order of withdrawal
 an "outrage".)

1)  Iraqi troops are to surrender all chemical weapons.  Chemical weapons
    are defined as containing such substances as hydrogen cyanide, mustard
    gas, gunpowder, gasoline, and vulcanized rubber.

2)  All Iraqi troops are to walk from Kuwait back into Iraq.  Those who
    say unkind words or look at coalition soldiers in an unkind way are
    to crawl back.

3)  Iraq must compensate Kuwait for all war reparations, outstanding debts,
    lodging for the duration of the troops' stay in Kuwait, and import
    duties for the weapons left behind.

4)  All Iraqi military installations and government ministry are to have
    a bulls-eye at least 15 meters across on top, painted in luminescent
    colors.

5)  The battleship Missouri, currently on patrol in the gulf, will be
    moored near Basra, and the treaty-signing ceremony is to be held
    on board.

-=+=-

A sample entry from the new Iraqi Dictionary of Saddam-speak:

    Victory: [vic-tor-e] n. Total rout by opposing forces,
    complete and utter destruction of your forces by an enemy,
    esp. in war time.  Retreat and surrender.  Known as
    defeat(q.v.) in other countries.

-=+=-

Subject: How To Pronounce "Saddam" (original)
From: scs@iti.org (Steve Simmons)

After seeing the early days of the ground war and the effectiveness of
the "Saddam Line" defensive system, the correct pronuncation of "Saddam"
has finally become obvious: "Maginot".

-=+=-

Q:  Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A:  So they can see their Air Force.

-=+=-

[Heard on a morning radio show]

Newscaster:  "Saddam Hussein claims that his forces are winning the war against
              allied forces."

Disk-jockey:  "What, do they get a set of American Tourister luggage and the
               home version of the war?"

-=+=-

Heard on the Rush Limbaugh radio program:

Q:  What does Ted Kennedy have in common with the "luckiest man in
    Iraq" [referring to Gen. Swarzkopf's caption of a video showing
    a bridge being bombed]?

A:  They both know how it feels to be bombed when crossing a bridge.

-=+=-

Q:  What do you get when you put 30 Iraqi women in a bomb shelter?

A:  A full set of teeth.

-=+=-

Heard this morning on CNN that a lot of the Iraqi troops surrendered when,
instead of the foot soldiers they were expecting, American tanks rolled
in.

Didn't anybody tell 'em that Americans never walk anywhere they can drive?

-=+=-

Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush.

"Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you."

"To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush.

"You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream
I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I
saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to
make peace."

"Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night
as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag."

"Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?"

"I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew."

-=+=-

Two incidents reported on NPR's Morning Edition regarding surrender of
Iraqi troops (these are paraphrases):

1) One guy was encountered alone in the desert wearing Bermuda shorts
and a Hawaiian shirt, and looking generally ready to party down.  When
he was challenged, he replied in a Chicago accent, "Where you guys
been?  I've been waiting forever!"  Turns out he was an Iraqi-American,
who had been in Iraq visiting his grandparents when hostilities broke
out, and he was drafted into the Iraqi army.

2)  A lone allied soldier, separated from his unit, his Jeep bogged down in
the mud, was being born down on by an Iraqi tank and supporting vehicles.
The tanker stopped, hitched the tank to the jeep, pulled it from the mud,
and promptly surrendered.
--

-=+=-

French Army tanks have five gears:  four in reverse,
and one forwards - in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

-=+=-

Idea for a political cartoon:

[ Picture:  Dan Quayle cowering under a table;
            George Bush leaning over and speaking to him. ]

Bush:  "No, Dan, we're not bombing Republicans that were in the Guard...
        we're bombing the _Iraqi_ Republican Guard."

-=+=-

Anonymous note, dropped down a bunker ventilation shaft
somewhere near Baghdad:

Dear Saddam,

We have your Army.

If you ever want to see it again, put $200 billion in small
bills in a truck (several trucks, actually) and send them
on the road to Basra. We will find them.

 -- G. B.

-=+=-

A recent news report stated that the Iraqui soldiers are starving, reduced
to begging for food from the Kuwaiti civilians.  We therefore release this
modest proposal.

It seems that the best way to get the Conflict in the Persian Gulf to end
is to bombard the hungry Iraqui troops with leaflets which say (in Arabic)
"If you surrender, this quarter-pounder will be yours!"   The possibilities are
Endless -- why, we could release some Scratch 'n sniff leaflets which have
the aroma of various foods.  The smell of fruits will drive hungry troops nuts.
Therefore, hundreds and hundreds of Iraqui troops would peacefully surrender 
with little conflict, and we can all sit down to dinner and celebrate the end 
of the war.  Foward troops can set up large grills to cook steaks with gigantic 
fans to waft the aroma over to the Iraquis.  Not only will this make the
Iraquis go bananas, but will be a tremendous morale boost to those on the front.
The only danger is the chuck wagon might be an object to capture for Iraqui 
commandos.

However, one cannot underestimate the military possibilities.  The United
States can easily manufacture an explosive frosting sutible for putting
on various cakes and such packages.  One can therefore make a twinkie out
of C4, and drop it over Kuwait.  Hostess might become the next major
defense contractor!  The front lines might receive a vanilla-flavoured
claymore used to protect coalition camps, forces, and equipment.  In addition,
since Sodium Nitrate, an ingredient of gunpowder, is used to preserve bologna
and hot dogs (that's what gives them their red colour), one can easily make
a hot dog that doubles as a black-powder explosive.  We can recycle all those
rock-hard dormitory meatballs as dangerous projectiles perhaps as dangerous
as the uranium bullets used in anti-aircraft systems.  As the United States
has various bombs for the dispersal of chemical agents, what better chemical
agent could be dispersed than Ketchup or Worchestershire sauce, or, if the
generals feel particulary naughty, Tobasco sauce.  Carpet Bombing using
cans of Potato chips might be equally as effective as high explosives.  Even
high fashioned omelettes such as the flambee (the flaming omelette)  and drinks
such as the Feuerzangebole (?) might become popular at the front.
The RAF has a chicken cannon to test the bird-proofness of airplanes (they use
chickens that you buy in the grocery).  This can easily modified to send
Lt. Col. Sanders specials, preferably of the Extra Crispy variety.
Even the college prank of making Ex-lax Brownies would be of inestimatible
value, converting foxholes into latrines.  Soldiers would be more vulnerable
to the symptoms resulting from extrememe fright.  This would give a whole
new meaning to the term Tactical Movements.  Sorbitol candy, which gives the
same effect if eaten in large amounts, could be dropped from low-flying
B-52's.  Guavas, on the other hand, if eaten innards and all can cause
constipation.  Food laced with much garlic might make the close quarters of 
tank operators unbearable, thus an armour piercing round with some spaghetti and
garlic sauce will not only render the tank inoperable, but will deliver the
meal piping hot, ready for eating.  The possibilities of the phrase "Let them
Eat Cake" has a new meaning.  The indestructable fruit cake made of pounding
glazed fruit into a cake with a hammer is deadly in the hands of a tank
commander.  By firing the cake through the muzzle at the enemy, the Iraquis 
can now have the cake and eat it too.

Fruits must not be ignored.  Bananas have lots of appeal, and therefore,
can cause loss of traction.  Cherry bombs are easily constructed from readily
available materials.  Agent Orange and potato mashers cause much havoc with
the troops.  Manufacture of such weaponry is a plum job, and we expect
many bids from contractors.  The raisin-d'-etre is that re-pears should
seldom be necessary, and manufacture is cheap.

The ultimate gas weapon, however, is not mustard gas, but beans.  Thousands
and thousands of baked beans, bean soup, and chile with lots of beans should
be airlifted to the Iraquis.  Not only will the gas be unbearable, but since the
gas that beans ultimately produce can contain traces of methane, a large
enough concentration of the gas can be explosive, incurring much harm to
the already entrenched Iraqui troops, should they wish to smoke a cigarette.
It is much to the experts' surprise that the soldiers get bean soup once a day
as things go.  They suspect that he will use that to discourage ground attacks,
as Americans dislike gas as much as anyone else.

Of course, much care must be taken to avoid dropping food containing pork, 
alcohol, meat and milk, or shellfish (to name a few things).  Not only will
the islamic Iraquis refuse to eat them, but it is unethical.  Our president
is fighting this war on ethical and just grounds, it would be a bad idea to
undermine our president by fighting in such an underhanded way.
This of course would rule out dropping cheeseburgers, beef stroganoff,
lobster bisque, bacon, and candies such as _crunchy_frog_ and _spring_surprise_.
However, we believe that in the preceeding paragraphs, we have already added 
much food for thought which can be used to win the war.

An army mess seargent who wishes to remain anonymous said should the Iraquis
refuse to surrender, they'll get creamed.  He says that despite the 
possibilities of heavy casulties (usually from army food, rations, or unwashed
mermites), the food drive should make the defeat of Iraq as easy as apple pie. 
The only resistance we see is those people who think this whole enterprise is 
corny.

-=+=-

                         PRICE BUSTERS!
                    FINAL LIQUIDATION SALE!!
                       IT ALL HAS TO GO!!!


                A major military power is going out of
          business, and has to sell it ALL!  Come on
          down now for fabulous prices on Tanks, APCs,
          Helicopters, Mines, SCUD missiles and
          mobile launchers, planes and many, many more!
          Come down today only and receive a free AK-74
          w/bayonet!

                Want Tanks - We Got 'Em!

                        The famous T-62s, today only $19.95!
                        The ultra-accurate T-72, only $39.95!

                Want Attack and Dual-Role Aircraft - We Got 'Em!

                        The remaining stock of MiG-21s only $23.97!
                        The remaining stock of MiG-25s only $29.97!
                        The renowned MiG-29s today only $39.95!
                        The Su-7, Su-20, Su-24, Su-25, whatever's left in
                        the store, only $19.99!
                        The all weather, day/night attack craft, the
                        MiG-23 today only $34.97!

                Want Bombers - We Got 'Em!

                        The Tu-22 and the Tu-16, only $49.99!

                Want Missiles - We Got 'Em!

                        SCUD Missiles, only $49.95 each!
                        Mobile Launcher (assembles in just hours) only
                        $99.95! (when purchased w/5 SCUDs, only $79.95!)


  Easy payment plans, we always accept VISA, 'The power to be
your best.'(tm); Master Card, American Express, 'Don't leave home
without it (but if you do, we can't help you anyway)' (tm), and
Pan-American Life and Mutual 'Sure my credit is good, Trust
me!'(tm).

Normally we accept Iraqi Express, 'Don't Leave Home'(tm), credit
cards, but due the current situation in the Gulf and the volatile
nature of the economy, we are not accepting Iraqi Express, 'Don't
Leave Home'(tm), credit cards at this time.

-=+=-

     Hey, you.  Yeah... YOU!  Pacifist type.  Are you thinking "Hey,
this isn't MY war."  Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the pump
is worth my life!  Heck, even sixty cents!"  Perhaps you've weighed
the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... Solar
Energy....  Death in the Sand..."  Maybe you're all set, and you're
ready to fight.  BUT, should you decide that War is "not your thing",
it could help you to know...

                  The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT

1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver)
     A popular choice during Vietnam.  A classic.  This is a good
opportunity to "see the world."  Actually, it's like being drafted in
that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying "eh"
to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform,
finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear it
on you head).  Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge aht
there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the
States.

2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it)
    This is fairly easy.  Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight.  The
VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out.  The
key is the cathode-ray tube.  Be sure to sit close to the set.  Feel
free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep!
Caffeine is totally legal.  This must be done immediately prior to
your physical examination for the Armed Forces.  Try not to yawn when
you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural moans.  The
only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz is libel to
drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs you can write.

3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me... what's your
   name?)
     Going without sleep has no effect on you?  You've got the
allnighter's tolerance?  You're going to need to catch something.
Virulent.  This can definitely involve some interesting social
interactions.

4. Ageification  (The Doctor Method...who?)
     Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry!  This stratagem either
requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend
telling you she accidently took the Pill out of order and has been
eating vitamins for the past week.  In any case, an old British phone
booth can be substituted for one of these methods.

5. Dopeification  (Whajjuu say, man?)
     The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the
brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking
to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other tab
of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming and
your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the whole
thing is over.  Ten years ago.

6. Conscientious Objection  (The "peace and non-violence, brother" strategy)
     Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector.  Note, you
must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector
since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata.

7. Captivity  (Non-self anti-exile)
     The default method.  See, the draft is a choice.  If you make NO
choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT be
drafted!  When you don't report to base after receiving your draft
notice, the army won't make you fight.  In fact, they'll take you to a
maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit.  (Bonus:
free food, shelter, and back rubs).

8. Orientation Rearranging  ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!")
     Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft
acknowledgement form, check the box next to "homosexual."  You
couldn't beg them to let you stay in.

9. In and Out  (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause)
     Sure!  You'll fight!  Report in.  Move in to the barracks!  You
want to fight, yeah.  Act enthused... maybe... too enthused.  Talk
about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate.  Be sure to keep a
hollow, far away look in your eyes.  It's also a good idea to twitch
random muscles whenever anyone is near you.  Scream "DIE" very loudly
several times during the night.  In the morning, say "Sergeant, Satan
told me he loves me and is glad I'm here."  Repeat as necessary, don't
blink, and drool slightly from one corner of your mouth.  Once you get
to the sanitarium, cheerily convince the doctors you were just kidding
and that you are actually quite sane.

10. Violence  (The Last Resort)
     While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of
one of his hunger strikes, Ghandi was offered a piece of chocolate
cake by a less enlightened disciple.  The disciple then remembered
Ghandi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing.  The doctors
managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Ghandi's lesson to
him is well noted.  Should you find your back to the wall, here are
some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, be
random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, steroids
can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, pinching hurts
a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, dominate,
dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take the safety
off, and there are NO innocents!  Sure, you may become the thing you
most despise, but at least it's your fight.

Good Luck!

And remember, if things don't work out...
   don't forget the flea powder.

-=+=-

There is some good news and bad news about Saddam Husein's war crimes trial

The good news is that President Bush will try him.

The bad news is the trial will be held before the Senate Ethics Committee.

-=+=-

A previous poster observed that several personalities had German surnames
that translated into amusing English nouns; an unmentioned example is
Gen. Schwarzkopf, or "blackhead."  This leads one to observe that this
is the only war in memory that was won by a Blackhead, a Dick, a Colin and
a Bush.

-=+=-

Here's a soulful little ditty sung to the tune of "One Night In Bangkok"
from the musical "Chess." Lyrics by Michael T. Rose and Javier
Grillo-Marxuach.

{ed Congratulations.  I usually don't do song parodies, as they rarely
work in written form....}

        *Our Man In Baghdad* 

Baghdad!
Middle Eastern city.
And the city don't know what the city will get.
The creme de la creme of the arsenal in a raid with 
everything but Dan Quayle.

Bombs fly! Doesn't seem a minute since the last one fell 
with some nerve gas in it.
No chance! Hop into the shelter
Sitting under fire and your skin begins to swelter

It's Cambodia; or Vietnam; or Dresden; or... or this place!

Chorus:

Our man in Baghdad
Calls in to Atlanta
Not much between the press and shell debris

We'll hear his broadcast underneath our gas masks
And if I'm lucky, Scuds won't fall on me
I can hear an air raid siren close to me

One bomb's very like another
when your head's down under the table, brother
It's a blast! It's a scream! It's really quite an big thrill
To be out here in the rubble; we're examining the last kill

Wait a minute!  If you've seen one network's retired
military commentators...

Skin lice! Open sores! We're not afraid 
of the mustard gas pustules

Ca-ble! You're looking at a newsman
Who's every phrase is out on the tube, man
I get my news *before* the networks, Brokaw!

I don't see Rather reading the kind of scoops
I'm postulating
I'd give you Pete; I'll take Wolf Blitzer
And the Times will print "whatever fits her."

And you better believe that Saddam is watching
...from his bunker

Chorus:

Our Man in Baghdad
Makes the war seem simple
He's got a platitude for every shot

He's not afraid of going over budget
And if we're lucky, the Allies won't choke
I can smell a story in the acrid smoke

Chorus repeats, and out...

-=+=-

Upon hearing that Saddam had come down with a nasty cold, a Navy Doctor
from one of the carriers in the Gulf sent him some 12-hour Sudafed
capsules with the following prescription:

To feel better, take one.
To make everyone else feel better, take two.

-=+=-

A minister goes to the Syrian dictator Hafez Assad after a national election.

Minister:  I have excellent news, Mr. President!  You won 98.6% of the
vote in the election!  Less than 2 percent of the people dissented!
What more could you possibly want?

Assad:     Their names.

-=+=-

Why did the U.S. armed forces blow up an air raid shelter?

Because they couldn't find a jetliner.

-=+=-

Have you seen the new Iraqui Flag?  White stars on a white field.

-=+=-

I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two sections--smoking and
non-smoking.

-=+=-

Number 7 on the list of proposed peace terms in the Soviet-Iraq agreement
is that the withdrawal be monitored by countries not directly involved
in the anti-Iraq coalition.

When that was read on the CBC news last night, a friend sitting next to
me said: "Oh, good. Israel qualifies!".

-=+=-

Saddam Hussein's Last Words:

"Mother was never good in battles, anyway."

-=+=-

Anheizer-Busch just introduce a new beer, "SCUD LITE".
Takes twelve before it hits you.

-=+=-

Gulf war latest:
        Americans announce that the 'milk factory' was in fact a
        centre for exterminating curds.

-=+=-

[ News-Flash: at the UN today ]

        Officials at the United Nations have announced that a
        choice parcel of real estate will soon be unoccupied,
        and will be available to become an official homeland
        for a Palestinian state. Eviction proceedings against
        the current occupant have already begun, and are now
        expected to be completed shortly.

        According to the UN spokesperson; the parcel, situated
        between Kuwait and Syria, may be condsidered to be an
        ideal location for the foundation of a homeland for a
        Palestinian State.

        Officials from the PLO and other Palestinian support
        organizations were not available for comment.

-=+=-

Bush:    "Do you surrender?"

Hussein: "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"

Bush:    "Yeah, we noticed.  That's why we asked."

-=+=-

Q:  What should Iraq get for its air defense system?

A:  A refund.

-=+=-

Now the Iraqi government is showing pictures of a blasted church, supposedly
hit by allied missiles.

But if God is with the Iraqi army, isn't that a military target?

-=+=-

Q:  What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?

A:  Nothing, yet.

-=+=-

Recently George Bush was visiting an elementary school where a kid
asked the President to prove who he was.  Bush showed the kid his
Americal Express green card and pointed to the limo outside.  A similar
thing happend to Saddam.  He was visiting an elementary school in Baghdad
when a kid asked him to prove who he was.  So Saddam took the class hostage
and burned the school.

-=+=-

In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal:


    Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth
    largest in the world.

    Now its the second largest army in Iraq.

-=+=-

GULF NEWS - PENTAGON EXPLAINS MILITARY JARGON

The Pentagon held a news conference last night to fully explain some of the
military jargon that were being used in official news releases during the
Gulf War.

- CDHU - Collateral damage humanoid units - people who get in the way. Not
          that we're purposely aiming at them, but let's face it, it's no
          loss really as they probably aren't Christians and most don't even
          speak English. That's what comes of not being born on the right
          side, in a God-fearing country; serves 'em right, really.

- FM - Friendly missile - one of ours. The Allies had friendly missiles
          fired from planes and ships pounding the Iraqi forces continuously.
          Friendly missiles are identified by a big smiling face painted on
          the warhead. Damage as a result of friendly missiles will now be
          known as "friendly damage", and the explosives inside the warhead
          are known as "friendly explosives."

- NWISSBM - Nasty-wasty Iraqi scum-sucking bastard missile - one of theirs

- OTRCNNXF - Off The Record CNN Exclusive False-report - given to CNN by us
          so that Saddam will believe it to be the gospel truth. Neat, eh?



NEW ALLIED WEAPONRY

The Pentagon has announced the deployment of selected recently developed
weapons in the Gulf; part of the US Government's continuing commitment to
support Allied forces with the latest technology:

- The SKM - Shit-Kicker Missile. When this baby hits them Iraqis, the shit
          really hits the fan!

- FBT - Fucking-big tank. This tank is 150 feet wide and 200 feet long, and
          it's purpose was to make the ground war much simplified by simply
          running over enemy soldiers. Special decapitation implements on
          the underside of the tank helped ensure Allied victory. In normal
          circumstances an Allied RCM (Refuge Collection Module) followed
          behind, preventing any environmental damage to the desert by
          scooping up the human blood 'n' guts.

- TXjet - Specially developed fighter/bomber for use by Texan pilots. It has
          an enlarged cockpit to cope with their hats.

- BVM - now installed in all troop-transport planes, the BVM (Burger Vending
          Machine) now features the new IraqiBurger for only $1.45; it helps
          our forces feel at home. To fully simulate a Florida McDonald's
          environment a computer-controlled rifle installed in the plane can
          be programmed to fire at random.

- FMFM - the FM installed Friendly Missile - so called because it has a
          built-in FM stereo receiver which plays the "Star Spangled Banner"
          as it explodes into its target.

-=+=-

Q:  What's the difference between American and Iraqi pilots?

A:  American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!

-=+=-

Q:  What do Israelis say when they hear a Scud?
A:  Grab a hot dog, here comes the mustard.

-=+=-

Seen on a T-shirt:
My uncle want to Baghdad and all that's left of him is this stinkin' T-shirt!

-=+=-

Iraqi Bumper Sticker:

MY DAD WENT TO KUWAIT AND ALL HE BROUGHT
 ME WAS THIS LOUSY GOLD BATHTUB FAUCET

-=+=-

A good caption for one of those pictures of the aftermath of the
Iraqi flight from Kuwait --- you know the scene; Kuwaiti freeways
through the desert littered with bombed and abandoned vehicles
everywhere, wreckage and bodies strewn all over the place,... :


		 SPEED LAWS ENFORCED

		     BY AIRCRAFT

-=+=-

Concert Report:  Saddam Hussein - Mideast Tour

              "The Mother of All Tours"

June 15, 1990       Baghdad
August 2            Kuwait City
August 15           Riyadh                  <CANCELLED>
August 30           Dharan                  <CANCELLED>
September 15        Mecca and Jedda         <CANCELLED>
October 1           Bahrain                 <CANCELLED>
October 15          United Arab Emirates    <CANCELLED>
October 30          Oman                    <CANCELLED>
November 14         Tehran                  <CANCELLED>
November 25         Turkey (Thanksgiving)   <CANCELLED>
December 25         Bethlehem and Israel    <CANCELLED>

For those lucky enough to see this concert in Baghdad and Kuwait, this show
was a show nobody will ever forget.  For the hundreds of thousands camped out
to witness this concert, the 6-month wait (by far the longest ever) was
worth the ordeal and lived up to its name.  About every conceivable record
was broken as far as concerts go, even with the tour ending prematurely.

Replied concert goers:

 "They'll be cleaning up from this one for years!"
 "The best laser show I've seen!"
 "A little too heavy on the smoke."
 "Wow, man, like the ground shook!"
 "They will be writing books about this concert!  A real killer!"
 "Beats any 'Floyd' and 'Dead' concert I've been to!"

The Kuwait City concert was unprecidented:  noise complaints were
registered from thousands of miles away - even the U.N. complained!
In an interview, Saddam Hussein replied, "I was born to be Iraq's Star."
Asked about the mass migration of Kurds to Turkey and Iran, Saddam reasoned
that they must be unaware of the tour's cancellation and should all go home.
He promised them concert T-shirts as a token consillation.

The remainder of the tour was cancelled because of various complications.  For
example, Saddam Hussein's roadies left after the Kuwait City gig and never
returned with the instruments.  A new crew is forming for a later
tour, but the multi-billions invested in instruments and special effects
is a significant loss.  Many of the road crew members were arrested by the
500,000+ police force.

The B-52's showed up outside Baghdad and were a hit.  U-2's were also
nearby with their new release, "War".  Obviously, timing was bad for
this tour.

The group's managment, "Megadeth", had no previous management experience.
They even forgot to arrange food catering service for the crew.

Saddam's stunning videos seen by the entire world were also dissapointing.
First, the video where dressed-up Saddam is shown with children on his lap
was targeted for an audience much too young - many parents demanded warning
labels.  Other videos featuring bruised men were simply too weird and even
censored by some organizations.

Saddam's opening band, "New Kids on the Block" was also a poor choice:
they went around igniting wells with vodka and trashing hotels.  Alcoholic
beverages are strictly forbidden in the Moslem religon.

Police arrested tens of thousands and used deadly force to supress the crowds.
Replied a promoter, "I think the 500,000+ police force was entirely
unecessary.  They killed and beat people.  They are a big part of the
reason why the tour was cancelled."

It is rumored that Saddam will get Mummar Khaddafy to play openings on the
next tour.  No date has been set yet because band mebers are still recovering
from hangovers.

