An engineer, a physicist and a lawyer were interviewed for
a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. 
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of
questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer
excused himself, and made a series of measurements and
calculations before returning to the board room and announcing,
"Four."  The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the
same questions.  Before answering the last question, he excused
himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. 
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards
and many calculations, he also announced "Four."  The lawyer was
interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.  At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all
the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone
was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked
"How much do you want it to be?"

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the
Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune
to expire on the same day.  The Pope was greeted first by St.
Peter, who escorted him to his quarters.  The room was somewhat
shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel
6-type establishment.  The lawyer was then taken to his room,
which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a
garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.  The attorney was
somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite
surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such
small accommodations."  St. Peter replied, "We have over a
hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them.  We've
never had a lawyer."

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No.
Reply: Good!

Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Professional courtesy.

Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their
faces.  

How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
His lips begin to move. 

How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in
the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all
happy with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter, who
told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. 
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but
was then told that he would be waiting at least three years
before his appeal could be heard.  The attorney protested that a
three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf
ears.  The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him
that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few
days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.  When
the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in
Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a
plan that would allow him to take at least some of his
considerable wealth with him.  He called for the three men he
trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.  He
told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I
die.  At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin
so that I can try to take it with me."  All three agreed to do
this and were given the money.  At the funeral, each approached
the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.  While riding
in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to
confess something to you fellows.  Brother Smith was a good
churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do
this.  The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took
$10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.  I only put
$20,000 in the coffin."  The physician then said, "Well, since
we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I
didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.  Smith had a
disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very
new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford
it then.  I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that
I might be able to save another patient.  I know that Smith would
have wanted me to do that."  The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed
of both of you.  When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held
my personal check for the full $30,000."

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will
no longer be using rats for medical experimentation.  In their
place, they will use attorneys.  They have given three reasons
for this decision:

   1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.  

   2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached                       
      to the attorneys as they did to the rats.  

   3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats
      won't do.  


A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.  He
asked "Give it to me straight.  How long have I got?"  The
physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive
the night.  The man then said "Call for my lawyer."  When the
lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one
side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.  The man
then laid back and closed his eyes.  When he remained silent for
several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.  The
man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I
thought I'd check out the same way."


What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
An offer you can't understand.  

What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A f***ing know-it-all. 

What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A great place to start. 

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the
country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject
of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite
extraordinary.  A wager was placed on who had the most
intelligent dog.  The physician offered to show his dog first,
and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates
ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.  Hippocrates
ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of
bones.  He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled
them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.  The
physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie
for his efforts.  The architect was only marginally impressed,
and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!"  Sliderule ran in, and
was told to do his stuff.  The dog immediately chewed the
skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale
model of the Taj Mahal.  The architect patted his dog and gave
him a cookie.  The attorney watched the other two dogs, and
called "Bullshit, come!"  Bullshit entered and was told to do his
stuff.  Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole
their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club
members for his fee, and went outside to play golf. 

Good News:	A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.  The bus was
                destroyed and there were no survivors. 
Bad News:       There were three empty seats. 


What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in
sand?
Not enough sand.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher. 

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.  When a person
assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets
arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.  

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin
arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at
the Gates of Heaven.  St. Peter started to escort him inside,
when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some
sort of mistake.  "I'm much too young to die!  I'm only 35!"  St.
Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering
the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.  When St.
Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the
mistake must be yours, my son.  We verified your age on the basis
of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're
at least 108."  

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting
forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where
the pathways meet.  They immediately began to argue with one
another as to who was at fault for the mishap.  When the snake
remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be
given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth.  The two animals then forgot about the
collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of
being blind.  The snake said that his greatest regret was the
loss of his identity.  He had never been able to see his
reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly
what he looked like, or even what he was.  The rabbit declared
that he had the same problem.  Seeing a way that they could help
each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head
to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.  The
snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. 
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy
fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a
tail.  I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"  The rabbit was
much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake.  After feeling about the snake's body for a
few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy,
you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the
time, and you've got a forked tongue.  I think you're a lawyer!"

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse.  He was
attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter.  He asked
the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. 
Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed
hands.  The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money,
"This sale is final.  If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I
won't take it back under any circumstances."  The customer agreed
and left with the rat.  As he walked home, he noticed that a live
rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him.  Soon
there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. 
The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the
procession.  After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing
after the man.  The man ran frantically for the river, and threw
the brass rat into the water.  The live rats followed the brass
rat, and soon all had drowned.  The man returned to the curio
shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told
you, the sale was final!  You cannot return the brass rat!"  The
customer replied, "That's no problem.  I just wondered if you had
a brass lawyer in stock."  

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant
city.  Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced
to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.  The farmer
welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two
spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn
with the farm animals.  After a short conference, the police
chief agreed to take the barn.  Shortly after retiring, a knock
was heard on the door of the farmhouse.  The party inside
answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining
that he could not sleep.  There were pigs in the barn, he said,
and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. 
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police
chief.  A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. 
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him
of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that
every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a
fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.  The city
attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the
barn.  This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later,
when another knock was heard at the door.  When the occupants
answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs. 

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." 
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and
asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

A woman went to her doctor for advice.  She told the physician
that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she
was not sure that it was such a good idea.  The doctor asked, "Do
you enjoy it?"  She said that she did.  He asked, "Does it hurt
you?"  She said that it didn't.  The doctor then told her, "Well,
then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get
pregnant."  The woman was mystified.  She asked "You can get
pregnant from anal sex?"  The doctor replied, "Of course.  Where
do you think attorneys come from?"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan
appeared before him.  The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a
proposition for you.  You can win every case you try, for the
rest of your life.  Your clients will adore you, your colleagues
will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of
money.  All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul,
your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents,
and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law
partners."  The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then
asked, "So, what's the catch?"

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