 A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax).....
        ********* D E C   W A R S ! ! *********
        From the adventures of luke vaxhacker
        episode n
 Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose
 natives only spoke BASIC, but even he could recognize an old
 ASR-33.
   "It needs and eia conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who
 was (as usual) trying to do several things at once.  Lights
 flashed on Con Solo's eyes as he whirled to face the parallel
 processor.
   "I've added a few jumpers.  The Milliamp Falcon can run current
 loops around any Imperial TTY Fighter.  She's fast enough for
 you."
   "Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobie.
   "Two Bacco, here, my bookie."
   "Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then
 fell silent, or over.  Luke couldn't tell which way was top
 underneath all those leaves.
   Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly.  They turned just in time to
 see a write cycle coming down the unibus toward them.  "Imperial
 Bus Signals!" shouted Con Solo.  "Lets boot this popsicle stand!
 Tooie, set clock fast!"
   "Ok, Con," said Luke.  "You said this crate was fast enough. Get
 us out of here!"
   "Shut up, kid!  Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system
 space! I'll try to keep their buffers full."
   As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious
 characters appeared around the milliamp falcon.  "they're firing!"
 shouted Luke. "can't you do something??"
   "The jump into system space takes time, kid.  One missed cycle and
 you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!"
   "In three to five we can go now," said the bookie.  Bright chunks
 of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp
 Falcon jumped through the kernel page tables.  As the crew breathed
 a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets.
   "Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU.
 "Though there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity."
        TO BE CONTINUED.........
        SOME MONTHS LATER.........
 Luke was feeling rather bored.  3CPU could get to be rather
 irritating and RS232 didn't really speak Luke's language.
 Suddenly, luke felt someone's eyes boring through the back
 of his skull.  He turned slowly to see.....nothing. A quiet
 voice came from somewhere in front of him.
   "Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you."  Luke froze,
 which was a good thing since his legs were insisting that he
 run but they weren't likely to be particular about direction.
 Luke guessed that his odds of getting lost in the dense tree
 structures were pretty good.  Unfortunately, the bookie wasn't
 available.
   "Yes, very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network
 interface is totally undeveloped," the voice continued.  A small
 furry creature walked out of the woods as Luke stared on.
 Luke's stomach had now joined the rest of his body in loud
 complaints.  Whatever was peering at him was certainly small
 and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come from
 Alpha Centauri.
   "Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke.
 "Frobozz, y'know.  morning, name's modem. what's your game?
 Adventure? D&D? Or are you just one of those apple-pong types
 that hang around the store demonstrations?"  Luke closed his
 eyes.  Perhaps if he couldn't see it, it wouldn't notice him.
   "H'mm," muttered the creature.  "Must use a different protocol.
 !@@@H @@  @@($5@@@H       ]^"G$  @#&@@G_ (O% @@@@%%H(B ?"
 "No, no," stammered Luke.  "I don't speak EBCDIC. I was sent
 here to become a Unix Wizard.  must have the wrong address."
   "Right address," said the creature.  "I am a Unix Wizard.
 Device drivers are a specialty.  Or do you prefer playing with
 virtual memory?"
   Luke eyed the creature cautiously.  If this was what happened
 to System Wizards after years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't
 sure he wanted anything to do with it.  He felt a strange affection
 for the familiar microcomputers of his home.  And wasn't virtual
 memory something you got from drinking too much coke?
        TO BE CONTINUED....  IF WE'RE NOT LYNCHED......

   Gorbachev, Brezhnev, and Stalin are riding in a train when suddenly
it comes to a halt.
   Stalin jumps up infuriated and demands, "Shoot the engineer!"
   Gorbachev motions for Stalin to sit down.  "No, that won't be necessary.
We just need to rehabilitate the engine, that's all."
   Brezhnev turns to Stalin and Gorbachev.  "Now gentlemen, you're making
much too much of a fuss over this.  Let's simply draw the blinds and
*pretend* the train is moving."

A man decides to buy a horse, and heads down to the local used horse yard.
The salesman convinces him to buy one particular horse, which appears in good
condition. After he has paid his money, and is saddling up, the salesman
tells him, "There's just one thing, the horse used to belong to a minister, so
to make it go you have to say 'Praise the Lord', and to make it stop, you have
to say 'Amen'". This doesn't seem too much of a problem to the man, who mounts
his latest acquisition, and shouts, "Praise the Lord", at which the horse trots
out the gate and down the road. The man decides to take his horse for a long
ride, and heads out of town and into the hills. Suddenly he realises he is
heading for the top of a cliff and panics. "Whoa, stop!!!", he yells, and of 
course the horse ignores him, and actually speeds up. Now dangerously close to
the edge, he contemplates jumping from the horse, which shows no indication of
slowing or turning. At the last possible moment, the man remembers the
salesman's words, and shouts "Amen!". The horse instantly stops in its tracks,
right on the brink of the cliff, sending a shower of stones clattering the
hundreds of metres to the bottom. The man pulls out a handkerchief, wipes the
sweat from his brow, looks up, and says, "Praise the Lord".....

A bank manager is getting himself acquainted with his fellow workers
In one cabin, he meets a man counting money furiously. The B.M. is impressed
and asks him his name.  The man replies 'Yim Yonson", without even pausing to
stop counting.
The B.M. is even more impressed, and asks "My dear man where did you learn to 
count money like that ?"
The man replies "Yale"

A girl is out on a date, after driving around for sometime her date asks her,
"What do you want to do?"
She replies, "I want to get weighed"
After a lot of looking around, he finally finds a weighing scale, puts in a 
coin and gets her weight.
After some time he again asks her "what do you want to do"
Again she replies "I want to get weighed"
This goes on for a couple more times, when the date gets really frustrated &
drives her back home & dumps her on her front yard.
The girl goes in & obviously is looking very depressed.
Her mom asks her "How was your date?"
"Wousy"

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated
doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he
said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the
doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax
inspector and want to find a suitable stone.

A man was roaming around the jungle with a notebook in his hand.
After a while he was spotted by a tribe of cannibals, who took
him back to their camp for the Chief's dinner.  After being
placed in the cauldron, the Chief came to him and said : "What
was your occupation?"
"I was an assistant editor on a newspaper," the man said.
The Chief replied : "Oh well, cheer up - soon you'll be an
Editor-in-Chief."

A lunatic recently escaped from a mental home.  He raped 14 women before
being captured by police.  The newspaper headline read,
"NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS!"
This is really a true story from 10-15 years ago. The lunatic actually
raped a washerwoman at the mental home before escaping.
The headline was:
"NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS!"

Woman A: "Isn't your new baby lovely. Was your husband present at the birth?"
Woman B: "No. He wasn't even present at the conception!"

Two little old ladies, who have a very weak eye sight go shopping one day.
After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room.  Mistakenly,
they walk into the men's room instead of the ladies room.  Two men who are
equally desperate to take a leek are standing on the urinals and about to
begin.
  The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their
backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room
fixtures.
  The first lady mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and
pulls his penis a couple of time.  The man looses control and lets go.  She
then turns to the other one and says, "Oh, My... you should try this one.
It has warm water!"
  The second lady replies, "No dear, I think I'll stick with this one.  It
not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!!

A beautiful young brunette was about to undergo a minor operation.
She had been prepared and wheeled along to the operation chamber's door
where the nurse had left her to check if the operation staff were ready.
Hardly had the nurse left when a young man in a white coat came up
to the trolley, lifted the sheet, examined her closely and walked
away, nodding reflectively. He consulted with another man in a white
coat who then approached the woman, lifted the sheets, examined her
intimately and walked away.
When a third man appeared and drew back the sheet, the young woman
demanded to know when they were going to get on with the operation.
"I've no idea lady," the young man said, "we're just painting the
corridor."

There was a young fellow named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said, "I admit,
I'm a bit of a shit,
but think of the money I save!"

Heard from the MacIntosh Distribution List (DL)
     I love Xerox technology...that is why I bought a Machintosh.

An avid hunter had recently undergone a conversion experience.  He also had
a big hunting trip to Alaska scheduled, and decided to go ahead with the
trip.  He was standing near a ledge halfway up a mountain, when the Lord
spoke to him:  "Do you really think you should be out here killing my creatures
just for sport?"
  Well, he thought about it and decided that he must give up hunting, and to
make it final he threw his rifle over the cliff he was standing by.  He really
felt great; his conscience was clean -- then he heard a growl.  The former
hunter turned around to find himself trapped between the cliff and a giant
black bear.
  "What do I do now Lord?", he asked.  Shaking with fear, he prayed, "God,
please make this bear a Christian!"  Suddenly, the bear knelt down and crossed
himself!  Then the bear said, "Bless us o Lord, for these thy gifts which
we are about to receive ..."

New Freeway Signs
12 gauge and over use TRUCK  ROUTE
RELOADERS  use right lane

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.  I said "Hi Jack."  He shot me.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.   
   -- Harry S. Truman 

Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck caries shipments?

DAILY NEWS, September 7:

One in two Californians believes that people are less honest today than they
were 10 years ago, according to a statewide poll released today.  What's
more, many of those surveyed for the latest California poll admitted to
committing dishonest acts, according to pollster Mervin Field, but Field
thinks that some of those people may have been lying.

I recently attended a lecture by Alvy Ray Smith , of Lucasfilm/Pixar. (ever
notice how VIPs want us to know their middle names?)  Anyway, he was talking
about the old days at New York Institute of Technology, where heavy computer
animation first took place. The guy who founded NYIT (I cant remember his
name) made this statement with regard to their intentions to lower computation
time:
   "We are going to speed up time, and eventually delete it"

     Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been
married years.  Bob had always want to go flying.  The desire deepen each
time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.  Bob would ask, and Sue
would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."  
      The years went buy, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so
he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's atleast
watch.  And once he got there the feeling become real strong.  Sue and Bob
started an arguement.  The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to
they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and
if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you
pay ten dollars.
     So off they flew.  The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
 Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of
the dive at just the very last second.  Not a word.  Finally he admited defeat
and went back the air port.  
     "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
     "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars
is ten dollars."
     
     Out in the old west, in a dingy, two bit town, there was a bar, built
of a few pieces of wood, and a couple sheets.  A dog came in one hot dusty
afternoon and asked for a beer.  After the bartender got over his surprise,
he yelled "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind."
     "Not till I get some rye."
     "Get out of here now!"
     "No way, I want my drink."
     The bartender pulled out a rifle and shot the dog in the leg.  The dog
limbed out, bleeding all over the place.  
     A couple days later the door swings open, there's the dog, dress in
a black vest, a big ten gallon hat, and two pearl handled pistels.  
     "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
 
    I got aquainted with a young widow, observes a writer, who lived with
her step-daughter in the same house.  I married that widow.  Shortly afterward,
my father fell in love with the step-daughter and married her.  My wife became
the mother-in-law and also the daughter-in-law of my own father, and my wife's
step-daughter is my step-mother.  My father's wife has a boy, who is naturally
my step-brother because he is the son of my father and of my step-mother,
but because he is the son of my wife's step-daughter, my wife is the grandmother
of the little boy, and I am the grandfather of my step-brother.  My wife
also has a boy.  My step-mother is consequently the step-sister of my boy,
and also his grandmother because he is the child of her step-son; and my
father is the brother-in-law of my son because he has his own step-sister
for a wife.  I am the brother-in-law of my mother; my wife is the aunt of
her own son; my son is the grandson of my father; and I am my own grandfather!!!

_______________________
                DOES WHOEVER DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WIN?
                          By Lindsy Van Gelder

      Until my friend Richard installed his hard disk, he had regarded me as
   a guru;   I  was first on my block to own a PC back in early 1982;  I had 
   initiated Richard and other  friends into the mysteries of DOS and helped 
   them put their hardware on  speaking  terms with their software.  But now 
   suddenly it was Richard who was  prattling  on about "paths" and "trees", 
   sneering at access times of more than  a  millisecond, and saying that he 
   would rather swim in a suit of armor  than  go  back  to floppy disks.  
   
      I  felt  digitally  dowdy.    
   
      "But I  don't  _need_  40  megabytes," I explained.  "I write magazine 
   articles, not corporate mailing lists.  It takes me _months_ to fill up a 
   floppy!" 
   
      Richard  just  kept  looking superior.  It was a look  I  was  to  get 
   familiar with, as others of my former band of rapt pupils  began to pluck 
   down  cash for AT closes, extended memory, EGA boards, laser printers and 
   2400-baud modems.   And  while  some of them unquestionably _needed_ this 
   stuff to run their  businesses,  a  lot  of  them  seemed to be buying it 
   simply because it was there.  
   
      I'm thinking particularly  of  the friend who bought a new Mac SE with 
   20-megabyte hard disk to store his recipes, but there were plenty of less 
   extreme cases.  I think  we  have an epidemic on our hands;  a culturally 
   transmitted disease that I'll call hypertechnology.  Its major symptom is 
   a fascination with the cutting edge, even  among  those who are likely to 
   get cut to shreds on it.  
   
      Lest you think this is  all  sour  grapes,  listen  to  Dr.  Harold E.  
   Berson, a New York psychiatrist whose  clientele  includes  many  bright, 
   successful people who are hypertechnology victims.   According to Berson, 
   they're a subgenre of the "compulsive, Type A  personality.    They  have 
   very  high standards, and they want to function on  a  very  high  level.  
   Computers  fill all those needs--in another era, these people might  have 
   bought  a  new Mercedes every year.  Now, they upgrade!" They  are  on  a 
   space-age treadmill, says Dr.  Berson, because "the technology changes so 
   fast  that  they'll    never  be  satisfied.    It's  a  losing  game  of 
   one-upmanship." (I won't even  go  into what Dr.  Berson had to say about 
   the real meaning of Throughput  Envy.)  
   
      New York  technical  consultant Jim Kolman, who describes himself as a 
   troubleshooter, sees entire  corporations  infected with hypertechnology.  
   "Usually by the time a business comes to me, it's already been ripped off 
   by  somebody  else,"  says Kolman.    "These  days  vendors  are  selling 
   computers on the basis of superstition,  not  reality.   I've seen people 
   who thought they needed a 3-megabyte AT  to  run  WordPerfect." 
   
      What irks Kolman most is the waste.  "Before the industry explores one 
   technology, it's moving on to the next.  These guys don't have to build a 
   better mousetrap;  all they have to do is change the cheese." 
   
      As a public service,  I'm  presenting  here,  for  the first time, the 
   Seven Warning Signs of Hypertechnology:
   
   1. When you read about new generations of computers, do you look  at your 
      computer  and  see  a  Model T Ford?  Have you ever fantasized  about 
      owning a laptop Cray?
   
   2. Have you, on more than one occasion, had to buy a piece of hardware or 
      software solely to  support  some  other piece of hardware or software 
      that didn't work?
   
   3. Do you lust to  put the records for your entire business on a machine 
      with a chip for which no math coprocessor yet exists?
   
   4. Do you suffer from high  baud  pressure?   Have you bought a 2400-baud 
      modem for the express purpose of  "saving  connect-time dollars," only 
      to find that you use it mostly  to  chat  with  your friends on the CB 
      simulator?
   
   5. Do  you feel it's reasonable to use a streaming tape unit to  back  up 
      the three letters you wrote today?
   
   6. Have  you  thought  of installing a local area network at home so that 
      you and your kids can play LodeRunner?
   
   7. Do  you  think  it  would be nice to have a computer with 256 function 
      keys?
   
   If you answered *yes* more than once, consider yourself a hypertechnology 
   victim.  Spend the weekend locked in  a  small room with a 128K PCjr with 
   one disk drive, and don't come out until  you  find at least half a dozen 
   worthwhile things you can do with it.
    
      You know who you are.



----------------------------------------------------------------


----
  You know you're getting old when....

  You actually READ the articles in Playboy!

  You find your Tony the Tiger Breakfast Bowl in an antique shop!

  College age people address you as "Sir" or "Ma'am".

  Scouts offer to help you across the street.

  You actually enjoy getting up with the sun.

  You can recall that Paul McArtney had a band before "Wings".

  You are unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit (The Nostalgia Version).

  You are too old to die young.

  You save up your cash to hire a "naughty person" for your birthday,
then decide to spend the money on a cellular phone!
-----

Heard on the radio:
Breast Self-Examination by Phone
--------------------------------
Press 1. 
Now press the other.

	Everybody knows what *supposedly* happens when you play 
	a 'heavy metal' record backwards, right?  Well, what 
	happens when you play a 'country' record backwards?
	- Your wife/husband comes back to you.
	- You get your truck back from the bank.
	- Your mama/daddy gets out of prison.
	- You finally get sober.
        - Your Dog comes back to life.

What's Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite cookbook?
The American HEART Association cookbook.

What goes "hoppity clank, hoppity clank"?
The Easter Bunny with polio.

                            How Many
                       PRO FOOTBALL TEAMS
                        Can You Identify?

 ==============================================================
 
 1. 747's                          (Example) ------ Jets ------
 2. Stupid Sunbather                         Redskins
 3. Wise Sunbather                           Browns
 4. $1.00 for Corn                           Buckaneers
 5. Midnight Snackers                        Raiders
 6. 6 Rulers                                 Vikings
 7. Uncles Spouse in the Army                Giants
 8. Peter & Paul                             Saints
 9. Ewe's Mate                               Rams
10. Half Bovine-Half Man                     Cowboys
11. Marine Bird                              Seahawks
12. Loaders                                  Packers
13. Seven Squared                            49ers
14. Indians Leader                           Chiefs
15. Credit Card User                         Chargers
16. Henry's First Compact                    Falcons
17. A Girl's Toy and a Fish's Arm            Dolphins 
18. Lubricators                              Oilers
19. American Forefathers                     Patriots
20. Fundamental Laws                         Cardinals
21. I.O.U.s                                  Bills
22. Six Shooters                             Colts
23. Thieves                                  Steelers
24. Streakers                                Bears
25. King of Beasts                           Lions
26. Tigers                                   Bengals
27. U.S. Bird                                Eagles
28. Equine Goes Wild                         Bronkos

Admission's free; pay at the door,
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
I come before you to stand behind you, 
to tell you something I know nothing about.
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.
One deaf policeman heard the noise, 
Came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my tale is true,
Just ask the blind man.
He saw it too.

	Have you heard about the world's only Reggae 
pro hockey team?
Bob Marley and the Hartford Wailers.

The Germans and the Mexicans are going to have a combined holiday.
It's going to be called Cinco de Bismarck.

I met a lawyer at a cocktail party.  Just to strike up a conversation,
I asked him, "What you charge me to just answer three questions?"
"Two hundred dollars," he replied.
"That's kinda expensive isn't it?", I asked.
"Yes," he said . . . "Now what's your third question?"

     Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
 "What happened?"  "I was struck by the beauty of the place."

     A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts that
get on my nerves, it's the jerks."

     An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
 One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they had
the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you cann't have your Kate and Edith, too."

     A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened husband.  He became aware of the will of the wisp.

     A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a little
pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save
your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

     During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

     In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.  She's
a women who conks to stupor.

     Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."

     Lawyer:  Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
     Doctor:  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

     Real-estate man:  Would you like to see a model home?
     Man:  I sure would, when does she get off work?

     It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.

     It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.

     A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun:
     He sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. one.

     The bank sent our stement this morning.
     The sheet was a sight of great awe.
     It figures and mine might have balanced,
     But my wife was too quick on the draw.

     Penn's aunts made great pies at low prices.  No one else in town could
compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

     A wife started serving chopped meat, monday hamburger, tuesday meat
loaf, wednesday tartar steak, and thrusday meatballs.  On Friday the morning
asked her, "How now, ground cow?"

     A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
 The chef answered, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."

     J. Paul Getty was thinking about opening an Italian restaurant, the
name, "Sp Getty."

     The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

     On April Fools day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes.
 She blew her stack.

     A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He keep
favoring curry.

One day, Texas A&M (a local University) decides to perform an
experiment to see how people react under stress. They took an
engineer, a technician, and a mathmatician and locked them each in
seperate rooms for one week, with nothing but water and one can of
food. 
 Well, the week ends and the scientists go and open the room. They open
the technicians room first, and looking around they see that the walls
and the floors are covered in dents, and they look and see that the
can has been smashed open, and that the technician is alive and well.
 They then proceed to the engineer's room. They open the door, and see
that one wall is just covered with equations and calculation, and
there is one dent in the floor, the can is open, and the engineer is
alive and well.
 Finally, they proceed to the mathmatician's room. They open the door,
and they can see that the mathmatician is lying face down in the
middle of room. The walls, floors, and ceiling are covered in
euations and calculations, and in one corner they can see a line that
says "And this proves that the can opener exists."

Q:  What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest?
A:  A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

Q:  What do you call a broken record?
A:  A Decca-gone

There are three kinds of people in the world;
those who can count and those who can't.

   Q:  How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.

A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta.  It's totally 
fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the 
cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio.  The pilot 
continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to 
a tall office building.  
 He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have roll-down
windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"  
 The person responds "In an airplane!"
 The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect
landing at Atlanta International.
  As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot,
"I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how 
the response you got was any use."  
  "Simple," responded the pilot.  "I got an answer that was completely accurate
and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the IBM building."

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.
They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying
to keep the tape along the pole.  It kept falling down, etc.
  A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to
remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.
  When he leaves, one engineer says to the other:  "Just like a
mathematician!  We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were given the problem
of finding the height of a tall building.  The only tool they were
given was a barometer.
 The mathematician decided to use the length of the barometer as a
standard length.  He measured how many barometer lengths there
were from the foot of the tower to a point where the angle that
the top of the tower made with the ground was forty five degrees.
He then concluded that the height of the tower was the same as the
distance he was from the foot of the tower.
 The physicist climbed to the top of the tower, dropped the barometer,
and measured how long it took for the barometer to hit the ground.
 The engineer went to see the caretaker of the building, and promised
to give him the barometer if he told him how high the building was.

A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical 
problems.  He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory
of Gears."  So he goes.  The speaker stands up and begins,
"The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."

Let us not forget the ever popular
        (   x
        |  e    =  f(u )
        )             n

        ^
        |
        Integral sign

This is not a joke, but it seems appropriate here...
  A math major, a computer science major, and a pre-med student (all freshmen)
wanted to buy a rug for their new dorm room.  They wanted to roughly 
approximate the size they'd need.  The computer science major lay down and 
used his height to estimate the distance.  The pre-med student got a piece of
rope and marked off the distance, so that he could measure the rope with a
ruler later.  The math major counted the tiles (which were 1' square, plus or
minus about 1/16", it turned out) on the floor.
  So, what's the funny part?  First of all, all three of these people had tape
measures in that very room.  Second, this really happened.  I know, because
I was the math major, and this occurred in my freshman year as an undergrad.

A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving
techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an
engineer, and a mathematician.
 The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical
pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot.
 Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill
the pail on the ground.
 The physicist was the first subject:  he carried his pail to the spigot,
filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and
poured the water into it.  Standing back, he declared, "There: I have
solved the problem."
 The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly.
Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the
volumes of the pails were equal.  The mathematician merely noted that he
had proven that a solution exists.
 Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit:  the pail
on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail
that was already half-filled with water.
 The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground,
emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and
finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground, overflowing
it and spilling some of the water.  Upon finishing, he commented that the
problem should have been better stated.
 The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action.  He
then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and
filled the pail on the ground from it.  Again he noted that the problem
had an exact solution, which of course he had found.
 The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring.  At last he
stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has
been reduced to one already solved."

Q: What is a logarithm?
A: A method of birth control for two sticks.

This huge man storms into an insane asylum and starts chasing the people
around shouting that he is going to differentiate them.  Everyone,
needless to say, is terrified of him and is running away.  Everyone
except one person sitting calmly in a chair.  One person running by asks
him, "why aren't you trying to get away from him?"  He answers calmly
"I'm e to the x"

Since the universe tends towards chaos,  why should my room be the exception?
Dmitri Schoeman                                                         
 
Q:  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A:  Elephant grape sin \theta.  Haha.

Q:  What do you get when you cross a moswuito with a montain climber?
A:  You can't cross a vector with a scaler!  Hahaha...

What's yellow and equiv. to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's lemon.

No, what *else* is yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zormello's Pustule.  Hahaha.  Yuk.

What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals?
Cantor's Diagonal Elephant!

how can you tell harvard was layed out by a mathematician?
The div school [divinity school] is right next to the grad school...

  (  1
  ) -----  = log cabin
    cabin
  ^
  Integral sign...

        8                                      5
If lim  - = oo (infinity),  then what does lim - = ?
  x->0  x                                 x->0 x
answer: (write 5 on it's side)

Why did the cat fall off the roof?
Because he lost his mu.  (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)

	Oops, you forgot your constant of integration.


	  (  1
  	  ) -----  = log cabin + C
            cabin

	And, as we all know,
	   log cabin + C = houseboat

"In calculus I have my limits."

What follows is a "quiz" a student of mine once showed me (which she'd
gotten from a previous teacher, etc...)  It's multiple choice,
and if you sort this letter (with upper and lower case disjoint,
ie on an ASCII machine) questions and answers will come out next to each
other.  Enjoy...
 S. What the acorn said when he grew up
 N.							bisects
 u. A dead parrot
 g.							center
 F. What you should do when it rains
 R.							hypotenuse
 m. A guy who has been to the beach
 H.							coincide
 h. The set of cards is missing
 y.							polygon
 A. The boy has a speech defect
 t. 							secant
 K. How they schedule gym class
 p.							tangent
 b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home
 D.							ellipse
 O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove
 W.							geometry
 r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile
 j.							decagon

    How do you send a 2 dimensional man to New York?  By Plane.
    What side of the plane should he sit on?

                96.37% of all statistics are made up.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were in a train crossing
from England into Scotland. Looking out of the window they saw a black sheep.
 "Scottish sheep are black!" commented the engineer
"No, no" said the physicist, "all we can tell is that _some_ Scottish
sheep are black."
The mathematician looked at both of then with withering disdain, "There
is, in Scotland, at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black." 

A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake
slithering by.  "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked.  Mr. Snake
replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply."
  The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot.  This time
there were a whole batch of little snakes.  "I thought you said you could
not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake.  "Well, the park ranger came by
and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!"

Back in the 1700's, the king of a certain small European country had
problems with his favorite cow, she wouldn't give any milk.
 He called for the local scientific community to help him, many stepped
forward and did their best, but none was successful. Finally, the court 
physicist volunteered.  He worked day and night for a month without stopping 
to eat or sleep, only taking a small bit of tea every third day.  At the end 
of the month, he crawled  back to the thrown room, whispered "I have the 
answer!", and died.  When other scientists were brought in to decipher his 
notes, they gave up after the very first line:  "Assume the cow is a sphere."
 
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
 A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land
 A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there
 An engineer will stand there and try to catch it

	An addicted horse-better decided to try to better his odds on picking
the ponies by hiring a mathmetician to determine a way to calculate the odds
So he goes to the university and hires the head of the math dept. and pays him
$1000.
        He returns two weeks later and asks the prof. for the anwers.  The prof.
says that he is not yet finished and needs more time.  The bettor then gives
him an additional $1000.  Another two weeks pass, and again the bettor returns
to find the prof. not yet finished.  So, after another $1000 incentive the 
bettor goes home and waits.
	Five days later, at three in the morning the bettors phone rings.  Sure
enough it's the professor with the answer.  Excitedly the bettor asks for it. 
The professor replies; "First, assume the horses are spheres...."

The firm hired the mathematician and put gave him his first assignment.
"We need this in a hurry!!!" Three days later they still hadn't seen
any results so they asked their new math whiz how he was coming.
He replied" Well, i haven't found the solution yet but I've proven that
one exists and it is unique."
 
Q : How to make an elephant sit on a tree ?
A : Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it. 

Q : How do you get it down ?
A : Wait for the fall season. ha ha ha.

Q:  Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A:  Because it was dead.

Q. What did tarzan say when the elephants came walking over the hill?
A. Oh look, here come the elephants, walking over the hill.

Q. What did tarzan say when the elephants came walking over the hill wearing
   sunglasses?
A. Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q:	What's more difficult than getting two pregnant elephants
	into a Mini/Geo Metro?
A:	Getting two elephants pregnant in a Mini/Geo Metro

Q:	How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini/Geo Metro?
A:	2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q:	How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A:	Footprints in the butter/low fat cholestrol, sodium free spread

Q:	How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A:	Can't get the fridge door closed

Q:	How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A:	There's a Mini/Geo Metro parked outside it.

Q:	Why are elephants wrinkly?
A:	Ever tried to iron one?

Q:	How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A:	SHe has a big 'E' on their pyjama jacket pocket.

Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming
	over the hill?
A:	"Oh look, a herd of elephants coming over the hill."

Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of sunglass wearing
	elephants coming over the hill?
A:	Nothing, he didn't recognise them.

Q:	How do you know if an elephant has been fucking in your
	back yard?
A:	The trash can liner bag is missing.

Q:	How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Don't be fucking stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

 Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
 So they can hide in cherry trees...

 Wot's the loudest sound in the jungle?
 Tarzan picking cherries...

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A. They're both purple, except for the elephant.

Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
A. "Here come the plums." (She was colorblind)

Q. Why do elephants wear green hats?
A. To walk across a pool table without being seen.

Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?
A. To stamp out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. To stamp out burning ducks.

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: BOING...BOING...BOING...

Q:  How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:  Take away his credit card.

