

What's the difference between a chorus line and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts, and a chorus line is, well...



What do Chrismas and a cat on the beach have in common?

They both have "sandy claws" <groan-maybe even BOO-HISS!>



A big burly truck driver goes into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. A 
small, obviously gay, fellow comes up to him and asks the truck driver, "Would 
you like to play football?"  The truck driver tells him, "Ha, you little 
queer, I'd crush you if we played football!"  The little fag then replies, 
"No, this here's a drinking game."  So, the truck driver says,  "Sure, I'll 
give it a try."  The fag orders two glasses of beer and explains  the rules, 
"When the bartender says GO!, we each drink our beer as fast as we can, the 
first one to finish scores a touchdown, and to make the extra point, you have 
to pull your pants down and let a fart."  "Sounds OK to me" says the trucker.  
The bartender says "GO", and the little queer downs his beer in a flash and 
proclaims "TOUCHDOWN!" after which he drops his pants and lets a fart, "That's 
seven point for me."  Not to be outdone, the trucker orders two more beers, 
the barkeep says "GO", this time the trucker finishes his first, "HA, there 
you little fag, how's that?" "Fine", says the queer, "Now you have to go for 
the extra point!"  So, the trucker drops his pants and the fag starts humping 
him, yelling "BLOCK THAT KICK, BLOCK THAT KICK!!"



What nationality are you if you're in bathroom taking a leak?
EUROPEAN



What nationality would he be if he was having sex?
HIMILAYAN



  IRISH I could,
  BOTSWANNA try anyway
  So CZECH this out.



What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled CZECH!!


Old Pa Jones tells old Ma Jones that he's going into town today to apply for 
Social Security.  Ma says, "But Pa, you don't have a birth certificate.  How 
are you gonna prove your age?"

"Now, don't you worry, Ma," says Pa, and leaves for town.  Sure enough he's 
back in a few hours and reports that he'll be getting the first check in just 
three weeks.

"So how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma.

"Easy," says Pa, smiling.  "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em all the 
gray hairs on my chest."

"Well, while you were at it," scolds Ma, "why didn't you drop your pants and 
apply for disability?"



Hey everybody, my dog can talk........

 When he sits on sandpaper he yells ROUGH ROUGH.

Don't like oral sex?  Shut your mouth



If you ask a frog in a puddle "How deep is the water"
The Frog might answer "KNEE-DEEP"



A guy goes into a talent agents office and tells him he has a talking dog.. 
the agent tells him to get out of the office...

the guy says wait..
"Fido, whats on top of a house?"
"ROOF ROOF" says Fido.

the agent says "Get out of my office!"
the guys says "Wait, Fido, how is sandpaper?"
Fido says "RUFF RUFF."

the agent says "GET OUT OF HERE!"
The guy says, "Wait. Fido who is the greatest
baseball player that ever lived?"
Fido says "RUTH RUTH".
The agent throws them both out of the office.

In the hall, Fido looks at his masters and
says "What should I have said? Dimaggio?"



I found the perfect place to hide my son's Christmas present this year.
It's right behind the snow shovel.



President Bush has devised a clever new plan for economic warfare in Iraq.
The United States will open a savings & loan in Baghdad.



In the year 2090, Bush and Gorbachev decide to peek down from heaven to see 
how things have changed in a hundred years.

"It looks like your problems have become worse, George," smiled Gorbachev.  "I 
see the dollar is still under pressure and the US economy is weaker than 
ever."


"Things don't look so good for your reforms either,"  responded Bush.  "I see 
there's trouble along the German-Chinese border."



Senator Jesse Helms wants to bring us into the Nineties.  When asked his age, 
he didn't answer "sixty-eight."  Instead, he replied, "I'm 20-Celsius."



Not long ago a famous politician was hospitalized under suspicious 
circumstances.  Looking for a scoop, The New York Post sent a reporter 
disguised as a nurse to sneak in and get an interview.

The next morning the editor pulled her aside and asked, "So, did you get the 
story?"

"No, I didn't get a chance," the reporter replied.  "I was thrown out by a 
doctor from The New York Daily News."



A farm:  what a city man often dreams of at 5:00 p.m. but never at 5:00 a.m.

Graduation ceremony:  an event where a commencement speaker tells thousands of 
students dressed in identical caps and gowns and sitting in perfectly straight 
rows that the key to success is individuality.



I tried to sue somebody for calling me clumsy, but I dropped the charges.



The little Russian girl answered the door, and a man asked to see her father.  

"I'm sorry, he's not home," she replied, "but he'll be back in eight hours, 
forty minutes and twenty-three seconds."

"How can you be so exact?"

"He's orbiting the earth," she said.  "He's a cosmonaut."

"How about your mother?"

"No, she's not here either."

"When will she be back?"

"Who knows?" answered the girl.  "She went to buy bread."



A man and his son were walking through a field when a butterfly flew up to 
them.  The son, being a kid, killed the butterfly for no reason at all.  The 
father looked at his son and said "Son, you can't just kill anything you want. 
That butterfly was one of God's creatures.  As punishment for killing the 
butterfly, you won't be allowed to have any butter for a month!"

They kept on walking when along came a bee.  The son had remembered what his 
father had said and just ignored it.  The bee continued to pester the poor boy 
until he couldn't take it any longer.  The boy took a great swing at the bee 
and killed it. The shocked father looked down and said "Son, I thought I told 
you about the value of life.  That bee was also one of God's creatures and as 
punishment for killing it, you can't have any honey for the next month!"

Finally the two got home.  As they walked in the front door, the boy witnessed 
his mother killing a cockroach.  The son looked up at his father and said "Are 
you going to tell her or am I?"



What is a Chinese hooker's favourtie soup?

Cream of some young guy!



There was a young girl of Aberstwyth,
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with,
The miller's son Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they p*ssed with.



Don't forget to go see that new movie, Star Trek VII-Scotty passes a stone.



A man and woman about to be married were going over the final touches for 
their wedding when the man saw the bill for his bride-to-be's wedding dress.

"Fifteen hundred dollars for a dress you'll only wear once, that's crazy!"  

"Yes, Honey, but I will pass it down to my daughter and she'll pass it down to 
her daughter and it will become a family heirloom"

"Well, then, why don't you just use your Mother's dress?"

"What, that old thing!"



If Moscow is in Russia, where's Poscow?
In the barn!



Johnny was in his english class and the teacher was asking a word for every 
letter in the alphabet.  Knowing Johnny to be a foul-mouthed brat she had to 
think before responding to his answer.  So she said "A".  Johnny put up his 
hand.  Thinking he would say *sshole the teacher asked Susie who said Apple. 
At B, thinking he would say B*tch she asked Timmy who said Box.  After getting 
to R, the teacher, who could not find a swear word for it she asked him.  
Johnny said "Rats". Surprised the teacher said "good".

Then Johnny said "BIG GIANT F*CKIN RATS!!"


A guy who has been married for 20 years,suddenly finds himself having to go to 
the market to shop as his wife is ill. Well this is the first time he's been 
there in all that time and is unprepared for the prices being charged for many 
items.  He is quite fond of nuts but can't find any, so he seeks out the 
manager. He sees a man with a HUGE nose helping out a lady shopper ( who is 
laughing uncontrollably ) and asks him "Do you have any peanuts?"

The manager replies"yes sir they're $5.99 a pound"

"Oh,"says the man, "How about cashews?"

"Yes ,they're $7.99 a pound"

"I see. How about walnuts?"

"Oh sure, They're $8.99 a pound"

"Well they're all too expensive for me, but thanks anyway" says the man.

The manager replies "No problem and I'd like to thank you for not laughing at 
me.  You may have noticed that I have a  rather large nose and people seem to  
make fun of that all the time."

"Oh" the shopper says , "That's your nose? I thought it was your d*ck, your 
nuts are so high!"



                      Rules of Bedroom Golf

 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally one club
    and two balls).

 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
    the balls out of the hole.

 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course owners
    are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
    avoid damage to the hole.
 
 6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the
    course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.  Failure to do so may
    result in being denied permission to play the course again.

 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
    arrival at the course.  The experience player will normally take time to
    admire the entire course, with special attention to the well formed
    bunkers.

 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are
    currently playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset course
    owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
    scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
    time.  Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
    someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
    Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
    under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
    situation.  More advanced players will find alternate means of play when
    this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
    attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at
    a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
    same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.


Membership at a given course - Additional assessments may be levied by the 
course owner and the rules are subject to change.  For this reason, many 
players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Dear Abby,

There are two women who live in the apartment across the hall from mine.
One is a 29 year old phys ed teacher and the other a 36 year old aerobics 
instructor.  I've never seen a man going into or coming out of their door.
Do you think maybe they're Lebanese?

(P.S.  This was really a message sent to Dear Abby!)



               INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE


To:        All Male Taxpayers
From:      Internal Revenue Service
Subject:   Increased Tax Payments

Dear Taxpayer:

The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed is your pecker.  
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 
30% of the time it's pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the 
time it is employed, but it operates in the hole.  Furthermore, it has two 
dependents and they are both nuts.

Therefore, after March 1, 1990 your pecker will be taxed; based on it's size 
using the "Pecker Checker Scale" below.  Determine your category and insert 
the additional tax under "Other Taxes", Page 2, Part V, Line 61 of the 
Standard Income Tax Return.

     *********** PECKER CHECKER SCALE ***************

       10 - 12 Inches  Luxury Tax.......$50.00
        8 - 10 Inches  Pole Tax.........$25.00
        6 -  8 Inches  Average Tax......$15.00
        4 -  6 Inches  Nuisance Tax.....$ 5.00

Note:  Anyone under four (4) inches is eligible for a refund.

     PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!


Males with peckers in excess of 12 inches should file under "Capitol Gains".

If Unsure of your correct category, call our office and we will send out a 
Peter Meter Reader.


Very Truly Yours,

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE



              H O N E Y M O O N E R S

A young couple were checking into the hotel.  The experienced clerk was sure 
from their appearance, dress and demure, that they were just married.  Looking 
up he inquired about the accommodations.  "Bridal?" he inquired.

"No thanks", replied the bride, "I'll just hang onto his ears until I get the 
hang of it."



Later in their room the groom asked "Darling, aren't you coming to bed.  
You've been staring out the window for two hours!"

"But sweetie", she replied "My mother told me this would be the most beautiful 
night of my life, and I don't want to miss a moment of it."



The mascot at a very popular pub, was a good looking tomcat, who, to every-
one's acknowledgment had the finest, fluffiest tail in all the land.  He was 
the pride of the pub, and nobody came in for a drink without first visiting 
with the old cat, and commenting on the extremely fine tail he was endowed 
with.

After many years, the old cat passed away, much to the grief of the owner and 
the clients of the pub.  It was solemnly decided to keep a memento of such a 
fine cat, and so, with great ceremony, the cat's magnificent tail was cut off, 
mounted in a glass case and hung over the bar.  All agreed that it was a 
fitting memorial to the old feline.

Oddly enough, not days after the tail was mounted and hung, both owner and 
clients swore they could hear cat-like noises emanating from queer locations 
in the pub.  These became louder and more obvious, until all men in the pub 
were conscripted into searching for this wayward cat, in the belief that the 
old tomcat perhaps had left behind descendants to take over his exalted 
place.  No cats turned up in the search, but the mournful meowings only 
increased.  Slowly, it dawned on all those present that what they were hearing 
was the ghost of the grand old tomcat, returning to haunt the place of his 
previous existence.

The hauntings continued unabated for weeks, yet never was this ghostly feline 
seen.  Finally, a little after closing time one night, the tomcat materialized 
upon a barstool, and looked mournfully at his previous owner.  The owner, a 
little taken aback by this ghostly appearance, asked the cat what it was up 
to.

"I have not been able to rest in peace since my death.", answered the cat.

"And, why is that?", asked the tremulous owner.

"Because,", continued the cat, "I am not allowed to pass through into the 
afterlife in a maimed condition.  You have cut off my tail as a memento of my 
former self, but I need it to enter into eternal bliss.  I have come for it 
now; would you be so kind as to sew it back on to me?"

"Sorry.", replied the pub's owner, pointing to a sign hanging above the bar,
"We don't retail spirits after eleven o'clock."



This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when 
the husband looked at his wife and said "I gotta have you!" and then he backed 
her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.  
When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still 
writhing around against the door and he asked "What's wrong honey, didn't you 
come, you want more?" and his wife said "No, no, its not that, I'm trying to 
get the doorknob out of my a$$hole!"



 Oh, ok, joke time. This Texas Businessman goes to Japan on business, he has 
to make sign a contract with this big Japanese business guy and there going to 
discuss it over golf tomorrow, so anyway the Texan gets to his hotel room and 
he finds the company has set him up with this Japanese Hooker, but she can't 
speak any English (as if there going to be having Verbal Intercourse), so 
anyway there going at it and the hooker keeps yelling "SUNG WA! SUNG WA!" and 
the Texan thinks "That must mean great, I bet shes never had a Texan hung like 
a prime steer before!" and he just keeps going at her all the harder. Well the 
next day the Texan and the Japanese Guy are out playing golf when the Japanese 
guy sinks a great putt, so the Texan, to show the proper attitude and 
friendship to the Japanese guy, yells "SUNG WA! SUNG WA!" and when the 
Japanese guy hears this he says to the Texan "What you mean 'Wrong Hole'?"



Some members of the Ohio Department of Transportation are very upset over the 
news of a new invention from Japan:

A shovel that stands up by itself!
                                          
