Former President Ronald Reagan likes to tell a story, which he says is true, 
about a newspaper photographer out in Los Angeles who was called in by his 
editor and told of a fire that was raging out in Palos Verdes, a hilly area 
south of Los Angeles.  His assignment was to rush down to a small airport, 
board a waiting plane, get some pictures of the fire, and be back in time for 
the afternoon edition.

Breathlessly, he raced to the airport and drove his car to the end of the 
runway.  Sure enough, there was a plane waiting with the engines all revved 
up, ready to go.  He got aboard, and at about five thousand feet, he began 
getting his camera out of the bag. He told the fellow flying the plane to get 
him over the fire so he could take his pictures and get back to the paper.  
From the other side of the cockpit there was a deafening silence.  Then he 
heard these unsettling words:

"Ah...Aren't you the instructor?"



I read recently about an uncomfortable experience that happened to actress 
Carol Burnett.  She got out of a cab one day and caught her coat in the door. 
The driver was unaware of her plight and slowly began to edge out into 
traffic.  To keep from being pulled off her feet, the comedienne had to run 
alongside down the block.  A passerby noted her predicament and quickly 
alerted the driver.  He stopped, jumped out, and released Miss Burnett's coat.

"Are you all right?" he asked anxiously.

"Yes," she gasped, "but how much more do I owe you?"



We all love happy endings.  We like to see life work out.  There is a story 
about Hollywood producer Sam Goldwyn. He once listened to director Billy 
Wilder describe in detail the true life story of a famous artist.  Wilder 
thought it would make a great movie.

"Does it end happy?" Goldwyn wanted to know.
 
"Well," said Wilder, "it winds up with the guy in an insane asylum thinking 
he's a horse."

Goldwyn threw Wilder out the door.  But Wilder wasn't discouraged. He poked 
his head back in and said, "Okay, how about if at the end the guy who thinks 
he's a horse...goes on to win the Kentucky Derby."



The wolves were decimating the farmers' sheep.  So the authorities raised the 
bounty on them.  Two hunters decided they could use the extra money.  They 
headed out to the wide open spaces to shoot some wolves and make themselves 
rich!

They had just fallen asleep out under the stars when a noise woke one of them. 
In the reflection of the campfire he saw the eyes of 25 wolves--teeth 
gleaming.  He shook his friend and whispered hoarsely, "Wake up! Wake up! 
We're rich!"



I try to remember the case of the gentleman who went in for a physical 
examination and then said to the doctor, "Okay. Give it to me straight.  I can 
take it."   And the doctor said, "Let me put it to you this way.  Eat the best 
part of the chicken first." --Ronald Reagan



I like the story about the soldiers who were being trained to parachute.  
After receiving instructions on how to operate their chutes, they were given 
one last instruction:

"Now, in the one in a million case,"said his sergeant,"that main parachute 
shouldn't open, just bear in mind, you have a backup parachute, and pull the 
hook on the right side.  It will open gradually.  Relax when you hit the 
ground.  There will be no pain.  There will be a station wagon there to take 
you back to barracks."

But one soldier still wasn't convinced.  However,the sergeant got him to the 
door and pushed him out gently.  Our hero yanked the cord, and nothing 
happened.  Then he yanked the reserve hook and looked up, but again nothing 
happened.  As he was plummeting down with lightning speed to the ground, the 
soldier said to himself, "Now I'll bet you that station wagon won't even be 
there."



Along a Kentucky highway was parked a mammoth motor truck van.  The driver was 
standing by a tractor from which a front wheel had been removed.  A pastor 
stopped to see if he needed any assistance,but the trucker thanked him and 
said he had already sent for help.  He had burned out a wheel bearing, and 
another one was on its way. As the pastor pulled away, his eyes caught the 
lettering on the side of the van: Standard Oil Company of Kentucky, Lubricants 
Division. He had burned out a bearing--hauling grease.--John W. Lawrence, 
Life's Choices (Portland:  Multnomah Press, 1975)



Brickman's "the small society" cartoon has a fellow look at the U. S. Capitol 
and say,"Hoo-boy!  What this country needs is a credit card for charging 
things to experience."

Or as the writer Heine once put it: Experience is a good school, but the fees 
are high.



A certain wife always tried to give her husband a cheerful welcome home from a 
trying day at the office.  On one day she really had to strain:  "Guess what, 
dear," she said as he entered the door.  "Of our five children, four of them 
didn't break an arm today."



A football coach gave this advice on how to deal with failure:

"When you're about to be run out of town, get out in front and make it look 
like you're heading a parade."



In Georgia Methodism's Wesleyan Christian Advocate, James R. Webb, passes on a 
story he heard in Savannah about a well-known lady of that coastal city who 
invited quite a few guests to dinner.  As the main dish she prepared a huge 
crab salad.  Just before her guests were due to arrive, our hostess set the 
crab salad on the dining table.

Upon entering the room the next time, she was horrified to discover the family 
cat engrossed in feasting on crab salad!  Jerking him away, she was heart-sick 
to realize that she had no time to redo the salad before the guests arrived. 
Throwing the cat from the house, she raced back to carefully scoop away the 
meat around the cat's feeding place.  Smoothing it down, she resolved not to 
divulge her secret to the banqueters.

Duly arriving and beginning the meal, the guests dined heavily on the 
delicious crab salad.  All went well until the hostess glanced out the kitchen 
window after dinner.  Seeing her cat stretched out stiffly on the lawn, she 
felt her heart seemingly fail.  She checked to make sure, that he was dead.

Groaned the unlucky one, "Oh,it's that crab salad!  It's poisoned this cat. 
All my guests have eaten it, and so have I and we'll be next!  All I can do is 
tell my friends the whole story."

Rushing back into the living room, she unburdened her secret.  As they all 
rushed to the hospital where the doctors quickly operated stomach pumps, they 
all appeared "rather green around the gills."

After the excitement died down somewhat, one of the next door neighbors 
dropped by to say, "I have a confession to make.  As I was pulling into my 
driveway tonight, your cat ran in front of my car; I ran over him and killed 
him. I'm awfully sorry!"  Stifling the urge to kill-and her deep seated 
chagrin-she managed to mumble, "So am I."



"The meanest job I ever undertook," mused a cowboy, "was that of apologizing 
to a widow, on behalf of a vigilance committe which hanged her husband by 
mistake.  It was hard to find just the excuse that would satisfy her."



Henny Youngman says, "If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky-diving."



I like the story about a crew that was unloading a tank car of highly 
explosive chemicals when it exploded.  Two men were killed and half a dozen 
were knocked unconscious.  As the ambulance attendants were carrying one of 
the men on a stretcher he regained consciousness.

Just as he did, his hand fell over the side of the stretcher. Feeling nothing 
but air, he let out a great moan and said, "Oh no! I haven't even hit ground 
yet."



In the early days of luxury ocean liners, the evening entertainment was often 
chosen from the special talents of the passengers.  On one night, the program 
featured a remarkable parrot which was followed by a skillful magician.  The 
parrot was placed in his cage off to the side of the stage as the magician 
performed. The man first secured a bouquet from a nearby table which he 
covered with a black cloth, waved his wand, and pulling away the cloth, 
revealed that the flowers had disappeared.  The parrot noticed and cocked his 
head to one side. Next, the man covered a china plate which, upon removal of 
the cloth,had disappeared also.  The parrot inquisitively scratched his head 
with his claw.  Pulling up a chair, the magician covered it, waved his wand, 
and presto, it was gone.  The parrot hopped up and down at the growing 
excitement.  Suddenly the ship struck a line of rocks, the airholds exploded, 
splitting the vessel in two; the lights went out, people screamed and cried 
out, and soon there was nothing left on the black night sea save the parrot 
clinging to a floating rafter.  Blinking about at the dark emptiness a moment 
the parrot cried out, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"



Two eldely ladies in the rest home had been eyeing two older gentlemen that 
had just moved in. The two men hadn't paid any attention to the ladies.  The 
ladies decided they might get their attention by streaking.  The both stripped 
and ran by the two men.  One of the men turned and said, "Did you see that? 
What in the world was it?"  The second gentleman relpied, "I'm not sure what 
it was, but, it sure needs ironing!"



Have you heard about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?  He found 
himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him 
if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, 
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!"  So the angel took him to another place.  Here a bunch of people were 
sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell."  Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in 
red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him.  "Where's 
the beach?  The music?  The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.


As a couple arrived by taxi at the airport and carried their luggage toward 
the check-in-counter, the wife said, "I think we packed everything for our 
trip, but I wish we'd brought the kitchen table."

"What?" said her husband.  "Why in the world do we need the kitchen table?"

"Because I left our tickets on it."



There's an old western legend about a rancher who was out riding and came upon 
an Indian friend lying flat on the ground with his ear pressed against the 
earth.  Without looking up the Indian said in broken English: "Wagon...wagon 
pulled by horses...two horses...man driving wagon...long beard...wearing 
buckskin...woman in wagon...dressed in calico...." The rancher was amazed.

"You can tell all of that just by pressing your ear to the ground?" he asked.

"No," grunted the Indian. "Wagon run over me thirty minutes ago."



Clarence Forsburg tells a story about a preacher who went out to make some 
house calls in the afternoon.  He knocked at one door where no one answered. 
He kept knocking, louder and louder.  Finally there was a tiny voice from 
within which said, "Come in. Come in."  He tried the door and found it open 
and stepped inside the living room.  He heard the voice again, "Come in.  Come 
in."  He followed the sound down the hallway and entered the kitchen.  From 
inside the kitchen he heard the voice saying, "Come in. Come in."  He looked 
around and found himself face to face with an enormous, ferocious, growling 
German Shepherd police dog.  The dog lunged at the preacher, pinning him 
against the wall with his enormous paws on his shoulders, snarling and 
breathing fire and brimstone.  At that moment the preacher saw a parrot 
sitting in a cage over to one side of the kitchen.  The preacher, realizing 
that it was the parrot beckoning him to come in, said, "You stupid parrot! 
Don't you know any other words?

"The parrot said, "Sic'em, sic'em!"



 "Now, President Quayle, raise your right hand.  No, sir, your OTHER right 
hand..."



                      Casey At the Byte

The meeting at the White House wasn't going well that day;
The budget plan was lost, thus causing ulcers and dismay.
And when Jones failed at the keyboard, and Kowalski proved a dud,
One could sense some great disaster, like an avalanche or flood.

"Don't panic", said the President, "Don't blab it to the press;
It's true, without the budget plan the country's in a mess.
Two other aces failed so far to find just where it is,
And so I've summoned Casey - with computers he's a whiz".

A gasp was heard as Casey made his entrance on the scene;
'Twas clear that he was just a lad no older than sixteen;
And yet, despite his lack of years, one fact outshone the rest -
As a troubleshooting hacker his credentials were the best.

He boasted a degree from Yale, plus two from MIT;
His work with backup, RAM & track was marvelous to see;
The range of his computer skills was hailed both near and far,
From Commodore to IBM, from Wang to NCR.

There was ease in Casey's manner as he entered his commands;
One could sense some mighty power was contained within his hands.
With lightning speed his fingers moved to press each crucial key;
"The budget plan exists", he said, "It cannot hide from me".

With great persistence Casey toiled, and yet, upon the screen,
No buried data came to light from in the great machine,
Except for birthday greetings to a Congressman in Maine,
Two vetos and a slogan from the '84 campaign.

The strain now shows in Casey's eyes, he's aged a dozen years;
But then, at last, to joyful shouts, the budget plan appears!
And now he lifts his head in pride, a smile upon his face;
And now the mood is shattered as his elbow hits "Erase".

Oh! somewhere there are nations where the keenest minds prevail,
Where budgets can be balanced and the experts never fail;
And somewhere data's safely stored, preserved beyond a doubt,
But no plan can save the White House -
Klutzy Casey wiped it out.



Even if you win the rat race you're still a rat

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got

Ban The Sale of Arms to Venus de Milo


A famous painter received a lucrative commission by the Montana legislature 
some time ago to create a giant painting for the new state office building. 
The theme was to be Custer's Last Stand, and the commissioners insisted that 
the painter be absolutely correct historically and politically. When the 
painter asked for more information as to just what the state wanted, he 
received little help.  In fact, all the commissioners would say to the painter 
was that it might be a good idea to create the painting around Custer's last 
ideas or words about what he saw.

The painter pondered the problem for a short time, put himself in Custer's 
shoes, and developed his grand idea. He insisted, however, that he be given 
not only great freedom but also the ability to work in total privacy.  His 
wanted his work to be accurate and a surprise, and he was a bit concerned that 
not all would appreciate his conception.

After several months, the painting was completed. At a formal ceremony, a 
large crowd gathered before the giant veiled painting in eager anticipation.  
The governor, himself, pulled the cord, and as the drapery fell from the 
painting, there was a loud gasp from the audience.  There before them was a 
massive panorama of the treeless hills of the Little Big Horn.  And there was 
Custer and a few of his men staring in awe at hundreds of Indians all around 
them in the act of making love.

The governor was utterly shocked, and he rushed to the artist demanding to 
know what the artist had in mind.  The artist replied that he had been told to 
capture on canvas the last thoughts of Custer.  And after thinking about it, 
it came to him in a flash. Surely, among the last things Custer was likely to 
have thought and said, based on what he saw around him, was, "Look at all them 
f**king Indians!"



And there was this remark attributed to Custer:

"I better go ride the wagon again, these Sioux are killing me!"

and...

    "Look at it on the bright side men.  At least
    we won't have to go back through North Dakota!"




"If I Said You Have a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?"



A second grader recited for the teacher the story of David using a sling-shot 
to kill the giant Goliath.

"What does that teach us " the teacher asked.

The boy replied, "Duck."

Xerox is a copying device that can make rapid reproduction of human error, 
perfectly.



After Quasimodo's demise, the priest put an ad in the paper that they'd be 
hiring a new bellringer.  Several people showed up to apply, including one guy 
with no arms.  They went up to the belltower to audition--  when it was the 
armless guy's turn, the priest said "How are you gonna ring the bell with no 
arms?"; the guy said "Watch!".  He stood under the bell, went into a deep
crouch, and leaped up so high that his head was inside the bell; he slammed 
his face against the bell, and it pealed out a sustained BONNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG 
with a beautiful clear tone.  The priest said "I never heard that bell ring 
with so lovely a tone-- you're hired!!"

But they didn't know that he drank!  He showed up for work the next day, and 
when it was time to ring the bell he went into his crouch, leaped high up, and 
missed the bell--  he jumped clear out of the belltower and fell forty stories 
down to the pavement--SPLAT!!

The priest heard the splat and came running out; a gendarme ran up and said 
"You know this guy?" 

The priest said "His face rings a bell".


They again had to recruit a new bellringer.  Several people showed up to 
apply, including the guy's twin brother, also with no arms.  Sharing his 
brother's talent, he too was hired; sharing his brother's penchant for drink, 
he too missed the bell and fell forty stories down to the pavement--  SPLAT!!
The priest ran out; the gendarme ran up and said "You know this guy?"

The priest said "He's a dead ringer for the other one".


The great pianist Rachmaninoff tells this story on himself.  He said that when 
he was very young, he was giving a piano recital.  He began with a Beethoven 
sonata that had several long rests in it.  During one of those long rests, a 
motherly lady leaned forward, patted him on the shoulder, and said kindly: 

"Honey, play us something you know."



Stopped by a policeman for driving without a taillight, the driver became 
quite distressed.

"Don't take it so hard," consoled the officer, "it's a minor offense."

"That's not the point," replied the troubled driver.  "What worries me is 
what's happened to my wife and my trailer?"



NO CARRIER
NO PLANES EITHER!



Have you had days when you simply could not win? We heard about one fellow who 
was driving home from work listening to the radio announcer suggest that his 
listeners surprise their mates.  "When you arrive home for dinner this 
evening," the announcer suggested, "instead of growling something like `When 
will dinner be ready?'  Why not surprise your wife with a little gift?"  The 
man thought to himself that that sounded like a good idea, so he stopped along 
the way for a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy. Instead of driving into 
the garage, he went to the front door and rang the bell.  His wife opened the 
door, saw him standing there wearing a radiant smile, holding out this gift 
and  declared crankily, "Listen, buster, the baby had colic.  The washing 
machine has broken down. Junior and another boy got into a fight today at 
school and were  expelled. And now, as I might have expected, you make my day 
perfect by coming home drunk!"



"Just the same," exclaimed Noah's wife, "I'd feel much safer if those two 
termites were locked up in a metal box."



Time after time the duffer would hit his brand new balls where they couldn't 
be found. Finally, one of the members of his foursome said, "Why in the world 
don't you use an old ball on those difficult shots?"

 "An old ball?" asked the duffer. "So who has any old balls?"



Sometimes we are better off if we do not ask too many questions.  For example, 
a man indignantly asked the waiter why he had his thumb on his steak.  Replied 
the waiter, "So it won't fall on the floor again."



One  of those new-fangled jet planes was delivered to a Texas air base.  The 
Commanding Officer examined it gingerly, called on his most experienced test 
pilot to test it.  "Remember, Captain," he cautioned, "nobody knows how fast 
this fool thing can go.  Besides, all the instruments aren't in it yet.  So 
take it easy, boy!"

The captain promised and took the plane aloft.  It was easy for him to manage 
and he couldn't resist letting it out. As he roared through space,he contacted 
the ground and asked, "How fast am I going?" 

Someone responded, in German, "Twelve hundred miles an hour."

The pilot gasped and said, "Are you certain?"

The reply "Of course, we're certain," was in Russian!

The pilot said, "Good Lord!"

A voice nearby answered "Yes, my son?"



One learns everyday. Experience is a great teacher.  By experience you learn. 
But as I enter office, I'm prepared now. Obviously, I will be more prepared as 
time goes on. I will know more about the office of the presidency.  But I'm 
prepared now and I will be more prepared as time goes on.

-- Vice President Dan Quayle


These aren't animals--these are wild quail.

-- President George Bush
(responding at the begining of a hunting trip to a question of how killing 
animals fit in with his goal of a kinder, gentler America)



Marriage: a war in which you sleep with the enemy.

A fate worse than death:  to be married alive.

The chief cause of divorce is marriage.

Love is grand; divorce is twenty grand.

I still miss my ex-wife.  But my aim is improving!

I used to be married.  Now I just lease.

Husbands, like fires, go out if unattended.


3 wives/polygamy; 2 wives/bigamy; 1 wife/monotony.


Hey, hot off the presses!  NASA scientists (who else), being contracted by top 
men of the NBA, have been set forth with the task to cryogenically preserve 
basketball great Kareem Abdul Jabaar(?).  The NBA hopes that in the future 
they will be able to synthetically reproduce him and sell Kareems to the 
highest bidder.  It's all very hush-hush (I risked my life to learn about it), 
and is known as Project Ice Kareem Clone...


The following quotes from accident reports to insurance companies were 
published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 1977.

"A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and 
had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and 
headed over the embankment."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint 
gave way causing me to have an accident."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit 
him."

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of 
my car."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of 
its path, when it struck my front my front end."

'I did not stop at the scene of the accident as I thought I was dead at the 
time.  My wife had told me not to be late also'



Two fishermen are out on the lake in a boat they had rented at the dock.  
After an hour or so, they drift over a deep hole and start catching fish 
faster than they ever had before in their lives.  This goes on for a while 
until one of them pulls a large piece of chalk out of his tackle box and draws 
a large "X" in the bottom of the boat.

"What did you do that for?", asks the other one.

"So we can find this spot again!" is the reply.

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard", says his buddy .

"... How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time?"



This is a guide for classifying technicians.  The higher the number, the less 
desireable the technician is:

7   Bill, the village idiot.
    Bill is totally incompetant.  The only reason he is working is because
    he is 1) married to the boss's ugliest daughter, 2) the boss's son or
    3) the son of the boss's boss.  You might as well kiss your computer
    goodbye once it gets into Bill's hands.

6   Mr. Rent-a-tech.
    Mr. Rent-a-tech is the guy who gets contracted out by a company to fix
    computers. Mr. Rent-a-tech is called in when you live outside of the
    Manufacturer's rep's service area. Mr. Rent-a-tech is really Captain
    Hammer or Pop in diguise.  He's likely never seen a computer like yours
    before and doesn't even know how to take it apart.  He'll usually spend
    a few days making your computer un-repairable.  With your luck, the
    warrantee will run out just before he is done with your machine.

5   Captain Hammer
    Captain Hammer used to be a mechanic.  Captain Hammer never goes
    anywhere without his claw hammer.  He uses his trusty hammer to seat
    expansion cards so they will never come out and to pound in those pesky
    chips which are trying to unseat themselves.  While clawing out an
    expansion card or memory chip, he can sometimes remove the slot or chip
    socket from the motherboard at no extra cost.  He usually finishes off
    your computer by yanking it off your desk because he snagged his coat on
    one of the new nails protruding from your case.

4   Pop from Mom and Pop's 'puters
    Good old Pop really tries but he really doesn't know a thing about
    computers.  He jiggles boards around just to see if they are loose while
    the computer is still powered up.  He'll even pull boards out and reseat
    them while the machine is running.  Some of the expansion boards in your
    computer will end up in the wrong slots - 8 bit cards in 32 or 16 bit
    slots and 16 and 32 bit cards placed in 8 bit slots.

3   Try everything Fred.
    Try everything Fred tries everything the can think of which is not
    related to the problem just in case.  Unfortunately, Fred does not know
    how to properly re-connect things.  So expect your hard drive to be
    connected to your floppy controller and your floppy drive connected to
    your ESDI controller.  He'll even plug things in backwards just because
    its easier to plug them in his way.

2   The guy from XT's R Us
    This guy knows only a little bit about computers.  He'll low level
    format your hard drive at an 4:1 interleave factor that will make it
    slower than a CD-ROM drive.  Basically, he got his training from a
    institution which advertises on the backs of matchbooks and in Popular
    Mechanics.  Any replacement ram chips he stuffs into your machine are
    likely from some old XT.

1   Dr. Fixit.
    Dr. Fixit really knows how to fix computers.  Too bad for you he is
    never around when you need him.  Dr. Fixit, never stays long with the
    outfit he works at, this is because he usually finds someone who will
    pay him better for his talents than his current employer.



A saintly-looking old fellow was running to catch the bus. Just as he appeared 
to be winning the race, the bus driver with a fiendish smirk, pulled way from 
the curb and the wheels splashed muddy water over the old man.

Softly, the old gentleman murmured, "May his soul find peace."  Still, more 
softly, he added, "And the sooner the better."



Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano.  His friend 
was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate.  He pounded out a 
crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill 
voice screamed, "Stop that noise. Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"



A tramp looking for a handout in a picturesque old English village stopped by 
a pub bearing the classic name "Inn of St. George and the Dragon."

"Please, Ma'am, could you spare me a bite to eat?" he asked the lady who 
answered his knock on the kitchen door.

"A bite to eat? For a no-good bum, a beggar? No!" she snapped.  "Why don't you 
work for your living like an honest man? Go away."

Halfway down the path the tramp stopped, eyed the words "St George and the 
Dragon," then turned back and knocked again.  "Now what do you want?" the lady 
asked angrily.

"Please, Ma'am, he replied, "If St. George is in too, may I speak with him 
this time?"



I've always enjoyed the story about the high-school student who asked his 
father to help him write a composition on how wars start.

"Well, now, let' suppose we got into a quarrel with Canada," the father began.

"That's ridiculous," his mother interrupted. "Why should we quarrel with 
Canada?"

"That's beside the point," her husband said, "I was merely using an example."

"If you had an ounce of brains you wouldn't make such stupid...", replied the 
mother.

"Who do you think you're talking to?" shouted the father. "I want to teach my 
son...."

 "YOUR son!" the mother screamed. "I suppose I had nothing to do with his 
being here. You just found him someplace...."

"Please, folks," the boy pleaded.  "Forget it.  I just figured it out for 
myself."



Perturbed over the absenteeism of his parishioners at the worship services, a 
minister handed his secretary some church stationery, a list of ten members 
who were absent the most often and asked her to write each of them a letter 
concerning their absence.  Within a few days the minister received a letter 
from a prominent physician who apologized profusely for having been absent so  
often.  He enclosed a check for $1000 to cover contributions he would have 
made had he been present those many times, promised to be there the following 
Sunday at church service and, further, to be there every Sunday thereafter 
unless providentially hindered.  The usual complimentary closing with his 
signature was given. However, the following note was at the bottom of the 
page: "P.S. Please tell your secretary there is only one "t" in dirty and no 
"c" in skunk."



One daughter borrowed the family car for a date and wrecked it.  Later, her 
boyfriend asked "What did your father say about our car accident?"

"Do you want me to leave out the bad words?"

"Yes."


'He didn't say anything."

Two Scotsmen, Two Irishmen and Two Englishmen are shipwreaked on a desert 
island, ten years later the Scots have opened a brewery and are selling beer 
to the other four, the Irish have divided the island in half and are spending 
their time shooting at each other, and the English are still waiting to be 
formally introduced.

Whilst on Unix, here's a couple of Unix humors:

% gotta light?
no match

% ar u god
god not found

% make love
don't know how to make love

% man why did you leave your wife
man:too many arguments



"America's Greatest Problem is Apathy--But Who Cares?"



George Carlin said a few years ago:  "Scientists have just discovered a cure 
for apathy.  However, no one has shown the slightest interest."



Did you hear about the movie company that put up a movie set on a highway in 
California?   Part of the set was a false filling station.  The filling 
station looked so realistic that people passing by would stop their cars to 
buy gas.  A couple of stage hands decided to have a little fun when the 
cameras weren't running.  Whenever an unsuspecting motorist would pull up to 
the false station, the stage hands would act like they were filling the car 
with gas.  Then they would tell the motorist that because of a special 
promotion the gas that day was free.  The motorist would drive out of the 
station with a big smile on his face that probably stayed there right up until 
the moment she or he ran out of gas.



A fellow went to the hospital for a complete checkup, very depressed, and said 
to the doctor, "I look in the mirror, I'm a mess.  My jowls are sagging.  I 
have blotches all over my face.  My hair has fallen out. I feel ugly.  What is 
it?"  And the doctor said, "I don't know what it is, but your eyesight is 
perfect."



PEANUTS' Snoopy looks longingly out the window of a car:

"Being left alone in the car isn't so bad...That was a pretty lady who patted 
me on the head...So who cares if she scratched our door when she got out her 
car?"



Appearances can't always be trusted.  Chuck Swindoll tells about a man at 
coffee break one morning, who said to this happy guy,  "Say, friend, now I 
know why you're always so cheery.  You have really got it made!  Just 
yesterday afternoon I was driving along in a taxi, and I passed you.  You were 
sitting there with this beautiful young woman whose back was to the street at 
this romantic `sidewalk cafe.'  You and she were sitting close and you were 
listening intently."

The guy leaned over and whispered, "Let me tell you the truth.  That lovely 
young woman is really my wife who was telling me she was leaving me, and what 
looked like a `sidewalk cafe' was really our furniture out on the street!"



Late at night, a lost motorist stopped at a farmhouse to ask for shelter.  It 
was granted.  He awakened the next morning, quite refreshed.  He was on the 
back porch brushing his teeth, combing his hair, lathering, shaving, lotioning 
and deodorizing himself for the day.

The young son of the farmer watched him go through all these morning 
ablutions. "Mister," the boy asked, "are you this much trouble to yourself 
every morning?"



A ventriloquist went on a vacation to Mexico.  He stopped to buy gas at a 
little rural service station that fronted a farm.  And he decided to have some 
fun with the attendant.

He says, "That cow over there ever say anything?"

Fellow replies, "No, man; cows, they don' talk. You crazy?"

Cow says, "Well, I'd talk to anyone around here if they ever had anything 
intelligent to say, but they're all stupid, so I keep my mouth shut."

Ventriloquist says, "That horse, he ever talk?"

"No, man, this time you gotta be kidding; that horse is old and dumb."

Horse says, "You heard the cow. Everybody here is stupid.  Nothing worth 
talking about with stupid people like that."

Just then a sheep walks around the corner of the building, and the 
ventriloquist says, "That sheep must not be too smart... ever speak to
you?"

"Don' believe a word she says; she's a liar and a whore!!"



It seems there was this fellow Earl who went to visit his friend Lester, who 
lived way back in the woods. Lester was out on the porch just feverously 
scrubbing away washing clothes. Earl asked him what he was doing to which he 
replied, "Oh, my wife is off visiting kinfolk, and left me with the young-
uns.  I've been busier than all git-out with the chores, and laundry, and 
setch!  And these diapers are the worst! I'm plum wore out trying to keep them 
washed!"  Earl says "why don't you try some of those disposable diapers?" 
Lester, says "disposable? what're them?" Earle tells him "Oh, Man, that's just 
what you need.  You get them at the store, they've got tape already on them, 
you just slap them on the baby, and the best part is when they get dirty, you 
just throw them away!" Well Lester was interested in anything that would save 
him so he said he'd give them a try.

About a week or so later, Earl goes back to vistit Lester, and sees him  
sitting in the rocking chair, feet propped up, sipping on a cold brew.  Lester 
says "hey Earl, thanks for telling me about them disposable diaper!  I got me 
a bunch of 'em and now I've got time to relax, even do a little fishin'!" 
About that time, the baby come crawling out on the porch. The diaper is FULL 
of sh*t, it's even oozing out the sides.  Earl says "Phew! Lester, don't you 
think it's about time to change the baby?"

Lester replies "Aw don't worry - it saws right there on the box, them things
are good for 10-12 pounds!"





A brawny man stood in front of a painting by the great artist  Sargent in an 
art gallery in New York City.  He kept muttering to himself, "I've been given 
a place at last. I have a place at last."  Artist Robert Henri was standing 
nearby. Henri was mystified at the man's words.

"Are you in this sort of work?" he asked the man.
 
"Oh, yes," said the man, "but this is the first time I've been displayed like 
this."

Now Henri really was disturbed.  "But I thought that this work was by the 
great painter Sargent," he said.

"That's right," said the man, "but it was me that made the frame."



A man went fishing one day.  He looked over the side of his boat and saw a 
snake with a frog in its mouth.  Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, 
gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.  But then he felt 
sorry for the snake.  He looked around the boat, but he had no food.  All he 
had was a bottle of bourbon.  So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few 
shots.  The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to 
have performed such good deeds.  He thought everything was great until about 
ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. 
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back 
with two frogs!



What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

If I have a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in my other hand, what 
do I have?

A bloody big cricket!



A man went into Saks Fifth Avenue to buy some pajamas.  He noticed on the 
pajamas a label that said, "Shrink-resistant."  He wondered, "What does that 
mean? Do they shrink or don't they?  "He asked the sales lady: "What does it 
mean when a garment says, `Shrink-resistant?' Does it shrink or not?"  The 
sales lady said, "Sir, it means that it will shrink, (pause) but it really 
doesn't want to."



A New York City cab driver said with unknowing candor, "It's not the work that 
I enjoy so much, but the people I run into."



You simply cannot satisfy some people. Said one lady: "I much prefer the moon 
to the sun.  The moon shines at night when we need it.  The sun shines all day 
when we have plenty of light!"



There are some people who are impossible to please. One ill-tempered husband 
was sullen and silent at the breakfast table.  "How do you want your eggs 
cooked?" asked his wife gently.

"One fried and one scrambled," he answered gruffly. When she placed the eggs 
before him, he was furious.

"What's wrong?" asked his wife.

"You fried the wrong egg." he snapped.



Have you heard about the little old lady who must be one of the most thankful 
souls on God's green earth? She says she has so much for which to be thankful- 
she has only two teeth, but luckily they meet!

I like the attitude of the Californian who was asked if it were true that his 
native state had 365 days of sunshine.  "That would be a conservative 
estimate," he replied.



H.L. Mencken once said that some people are so pessimistic that when they 
smell flowers, they immediately look for a coffin.



I like the story about the middle-aged man who was seeing his mother off at an 
airport.  She was taking a trip to visit some old friends.  "Have a good time, 
Mother," the man said.  To which she replied, "Now, John, you know perfectly 
well that I never enjoy having a good time."



A little boy ran into a man who was lost on a country road.  The man stopped 
his car and approached the boy to ask, "Son, do you know where Fairview is?" 
The boy said, "No." The man said, "Do you know where Interstate 40 is?"  He 
answered,"No." "Then do you know where the intersection of Bear Wallow Road 
and Grinder's Switch is?" "No," the little fellow replied. "Well,"the man 
said,"You are about the most ignorant person I have ever met. You don't know 
much of anything, do you?"  The small boy looked into his eyes and said, 
"Mister, I know one thing.  I know I ain't lost."


"TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS"

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
Knowing changes to cutover hand't a prayer.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update!  On Add!  On Inquire!  On Delete!
On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of the screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger on the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, and deletes, they deleted,
The inquiries inquired, and the closing completed.

We tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary an abend, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The user's last changes were even included.

And the users exclaimed with a snarl and taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want."



The soldier had been sentenced to be flogged.  He did not seem to take the 
matter seriously, but marched away with a broadgrin, and he laughed 
continuously during the flogging.

When the painful ordeal was over, the sergeant demanded, "What's so funny 
about being flogged? I don't think it's a joke."

"Hey," the soldier chuckled, "the joke's on you. I'm the wrong man."



A farmer was having a hard time filling out a railway claim sheet for a cow 
that had been scooped up by the cow-catcher on a steam locomotive and had 
expired in the process.The puzzled man came down to the last item: Disposition 
of the carcass.  After wrinkling his forehead and screwing up his eyes a few 
moments, he wrote, "Kind and gentle."



Some people are like the ship captain who, the story goes, saw one night at 
sea what looked like the lights of another ship heading toward him.  He had 
his signalman blink to the other ship: "Change your course 10 degrees south." 

The reply came back: "Change your course 10 degrees north."

The captain answered "I am captain. Change your course south."

To which the reply was, "I am seaman first class.  Change your course north." 

This infuriated the captain, so he signaled back: "I am a battleship.  Change 
course south."

The reply came back, "I am a lighthouse.  Change course north.



What will they think of next?  The Phoenix Gazette reports on a school-age 
girl whose Christmas gift watch had stopped.  She took it to a jeweler for a 
new battery. The jeweller looked at it and told her that it did not need a new 
battery; it was a wind up watch.

The girl replied "a watch that does not need batteries?  What a neat idea!"



A man told his doctor that he wanted to get a vasectomy.  His doctor suggested 
that he talk to his priest.  His priest suggested that he should talk to his 
family.  A few days later the man returned to the doctor and said "Go ahead, 
do it."  The man said that yes, he had talked to his family, and they voted in 
favor of it 14 to 4!



A man recently went into a grocery store and tried to steal two live lobsters 
from the seafood section's lobster tank.  He stuffed two of the lobsters into 
his pants, and then ran past the checkout counters into the street.  One of 
the store's employee's ran after him, but lost him.  Police found the robber 
in an alley a few blocks from the store, bleeding and screaming with pain.  
When he was taken to the hospital, one of the doctors said that one of the 
lobsters gave him a "do-it-yourself vasectomy."  It seems the lobster had
pinched off his P____.



Windy Beckham attended a wedding in Trent, Texas.  He sat directly behind the 
groom's parents.  As the bride and groom, both in their teens, repeated their 
vows, the young groom got to the part about "with all my worldly goods I thee 
endow...", his (the groom's) father leaned over to the groom's mother and 
said, "Well...there goes Junior's bicycle!"



Terry Malone, KXAL, reports from Dallas, Texas.  A neighbor who was working in 
her yard heard crys for help.  She ran into the house next door to discover in 
an upstairs bedroom the neighbor's wife was tied to the bed, naked.  Her 
husband, wearing only a batman cape, was lying on the floor unconcious, 
bleeding profusely from the head.  It seems that "Batman" had tried to leap 
from the dresser to his destination, but blinded by his Batman mask he had 
gone head-first into the ceiling fan and was knock out cold.  His wife, unable 
to go for help, had yelled for help.  Paramedics attended to all three.



Johnny Carson is reported to have set history straight.  One night during his 
monologue, he said that the indian chief Jeronimoe NEVER jumped out of an 
airplane shouting "MEeeeee.."



At an event honoring Paul Harvey, Bob Hope said that Paul's first news 
assignment was covering Moses, when he quoted the Ten Commandments.  Paul 
Harvey said that he was pleased that Bob Hope remembered that broadcast!  Ray 
Disbrow wrote that Harvey and Hope should not have carried on a feud this long-
they should have let Caesar settle it!



A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he wants a shot of 15 year 
old whiskey.  The bartender decides he's not going to waste the good stuff on 
this guy so instead, he gives him a shot of 5 year old whiskey.  The man takes 
a drink, spits it out and says "I told you I wanted 15 year old whiskey, not 5 
year old!"  The bartender decides he'll try something a little better, but 
still not the good stuff, so he gives him a shot of 10 ye old whiskey. Again, 
the man drinks it, spits it out, and hollers "Look! I said I wanted 15 year 
old whiskey, not this 10 year old stuff!"  So the bartender decides he better 
not mess around anymore and breaks open the 15 year, best in the house brand. 
The man drinks it and says "Now that's *good* 15 year old whiskey." A drink 
standing nearby, waching the whole episode, sneaks the shot glass, turns 
around and whizzes in the glass. He puts it up on the bar and says "Here, 
taste this."  The man takes a drink, spits it out all over the bar and says 
"That stuff tastes like P*ss!" The drunk replies "I didn't ask you what it 
tastes like!  Tell me how old I am!"



A man goes into the psychologists office for psychoanalysis. The doctor shows 
him an ink block and tells him to say the first thing that pops into his mind. 
The man says "That's a picture of a naked man!"  The doctor shows him another 
ink blot and the man replies "That's a picture of a naked woman!" Puzzled, the 
doctor gives him yet another ink blot and the man says "Wow! that's a picture 
of a naked man *and* and a naked woman!"  The psychologist tells him, "I think 
I've found the root of your problem.  You've got sex on your mind!  The man 
answers "Look Doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures!"



The beautiful young lady was purchasing a talking parrot at a pet shop. "Be 
warned," stated the proprieter, "this parrot uses quite salty language, as he 
was formerly owned by a sea captain."

The young lady bought him anyway and took him home.  Shortly thereafter, she 
began to get undressed to take a bath.  Suddenly she heard, from the parrot, 
"AAWWKKK! Nice tits!!"

"Naughty bird!" she admonished him, and proceeded to undress.

"AAWWKKK! Nice ass!"

"Shut up you stupid bird or I'll shut you up!" she shouted back.  As she 
walked toward the bathroom, the bird called out again,

"AAWWKKK! Nice bush!!"

She ran to his perch, grabbed him by the neck and thrust him into the freezer 
compartment. "That'll cool you off! Stay in there awhile until you can keep a 
civil tongue in your head!"  Then she proceeded to take her long-delayed bath, 
but unfortunately fell asleep in the tub. When she awoke, she ealized with a 
start that the parrot had been in the freezer for over an hour!  She jumped 
out and ran to the freezer.  When she opened the door, she saw the parrot 
frozen stiff, with icicles dangling from his beak and wings, but his eyes were 
very much alive.

Rolling his eyes toward a nearby frozen chicken, the parrot said, "AAWWKKK! 
What'd he do to wind up in here, ask you for a blow job?"



Menu for Road Kill Cafe - You Kill It, We Grill It.

Featuring some of Nebraska's Finest

Eating food is more fun, when you know it was hit on the run.


ENTREES
Centerline Bovine......4.95
tastes real good, straight from the hood

The Chicken............3.95
that didn't make it across the road

Flat Cat...............2.95
served as a single, or on a stack

A TASTE OF THE WILD SIDE
(still in the hide)

Chunk of Skunk.........1.95
Smidgen of Pigeon......1.95
Road Toad Ala Mode.....1.65
Shake N Bake Snake.....2.25
Swirl of Squirrel......1.55
Whipporwill on a Grill.3.30
Narrow Sparrow...........55
Rigor Mortis Tortise...6.75

BAG 'N GAG

Our daily take out lunch special, anything dead on bread.


CANINE CUISINE
You'll eat like a hog when you taste ourdog.

Slab of Lab............2.95
Pit Bull Pot Pie.......1.95
Cocker Cutlets.........3.95
Shar Pei Filet.........5.95
Poodles 'N Noodles.....5.95
Snippet of Whippet.....4.50
Collie hit by a Trolly.3.95
German Shepard Pie.....3.95
Round of Hound.........4.25


GUESS THAT MESS
A daily special treat, if you can guess what it is, you eat it for free.

LATE NIGHT DELIGHT

Rack of Racoon.........3.95
Smear of Dear..........4.95
Awesome Possum.........1.95
Cheap Sheep..............43


Served fresh each night after dark.



Famous Last Words by all fisherman (at one time or another)

Begin all sentences with the words

    DON'T WORRY....

 1. the fish are hitting like crazy!
 2. the ice is safe.
 3. I really know the lake.
 4. we can get beer there.
 5. we can get bait there.
 6. they have plenty of boats there.
 7. the locals think I'm terrific.
 8. you're allowed ten bass.
 9. the warden never comes here.
10. I'll do the talking.
11. I'll pay the fine.
12. the storm will miss us.
13. we'll be back by noon.
14. I have plenty of gas.
15. this thing can't be stuck.
16. I know a guy who will tow us.
17. the fish aren't spoiled.
18. you can stay with me.
19. my wife won't mind.
20. the water is safe to drink.
21. the worms are fresh.
22. those mushrooms are okay.
23. I'll make the sandwiches.
24. I'm an expert at this.
25. I'll put you in the best spot.
26. there won't be a soul there.
27. the boat's a terrific buy.
28. it's deep enough if you stay left.
29. the fog will lift.
30. we won't get lost.
31. we have plenty of light left.
32. someone will find us.
33. the bugs aren't bad this year.
34. I have permission.
35. that dog won't bite.
36. the owner lives out of state.
37. it's just a three hour float.
38. it's just a short easy hike.
39. the ground ahead is solid.
40. I'll throw you a stick.
41. the skunk is bluffing.
42. I know how to kill the smell.
43. all the fishermen drink here.
44. you'll like my buddies.
45. I'll stay sober.
46. I can kick all your butts.
47. I know those gals.
48. your wife won't know.
49. nobody will notice.
50. this won't hurt.
51. all boats collect a little water.
52. I can swim.
53. I know first aid.
54. it'll be fun.
55. it doesn't look bad.
56. I don't think it's poisonous.
57. the water will smooth as glass.
58. it only looks expensive.
59. I can get closer.
60. it's real shallow here.


I heard a story recently about a little boy who went to a grocery store and 
asked the clerk for a box of Duz detergent.  The clerk said, "Son, what do you 
need detergent for?" The little boy said, "I want to wash my dog." The clerk 
said, "Well, son, that Duz detergent is pretty strong for washing a little 
dog."  The little boy said, "That's what I want." The clerk said, "Alright," 
and he sold him the duz and he said, "Now, you be careful when you wash you 
dog.  That detergent is very strong; it might kill him."  The little boy said, 
"I'll be careful." He took the box of detergent home.  About a week later the 
little boy came back to the store and the clerk recognized him and said, "Son, 
how's your dog?" And the little boy said, "I'm afraid he's dead."  And the 
store clerk says, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I did try to warn you that the Duz was 
pretty strong to wash your dog with."  And the little boy shook his head and 
said, "I don't think it was the Duz that did it.  I think it was the rinse 
cycle that got him."


Ex-pro football quarterback Bobby Layne was a colorful character.  For one 
thing, he had more than his share of self-confidence.  Bobby was known to 
boast: "I never lost a football game, I just ran out of time." No wonder Bobby 
Layne was a winner.  Some people simply will not accept defeat.



You may be familiar with Robert Schuller's famous story about the father who 
bragged to his son about what a great hunter he was.  The son joined his 
father on the next hunting trip to see for himself.  They sat in the duck 
blind for a time when one lonely waterfowl winged its way through the sky.  
The father took aim, fired and missed. "Son," he said, "you have just 
witnessed a miracle.  There flies a dead duck."




This reminds me of a memo pad I saw in a store, with the portraits of two of 
the great composers on either side.  It was entitled "Chopin Lizst".




The world's oldest Irishman, the Irish Times reported, was unable to give 
interviews on his birthday yesterday because he said his father was ill.



Aircraft designers' law:  An aircraft prototype cannot fly until the paperwork 
is as least as heavy as the plane.


Boyle's law:  You always get boils in the worst places.


Cole's law: Thinly sliced cabbage.



A chicken goes into a library and takes out a book.  The librarian thinks this 
is a bit strange, but lets it go out.

In ten minutes, it brings the book back and gets out two more.  Again the 
librarian lets it.

In another ten minutes, it returns and takes out three books after returning 
the others.  Intrigued, the librarian asks his friend to cover for him, and he 
follows the chcken.

It goes down the street, round the corner to the edge of a pond, where it 
shows the books to a frog, which looks at each book and says, "Reddit, reddit.



"There is only one Bible at our house," said the little girl, "and that is the 
reversed version."



You can't beat the story of the little old Sunday School teacher who visited 
the Holy Land and saw her first fig tree. "Ahem...uh, surely there must be a 
mistake," she told her guide. "I thought the leaves would be a little bigger 
than that."



So few people know the Bible nowadays. I was standing downtown waiting on a 
bus.  It was raining cats and dogs (I know, I stepped in a poodle).  A lady 
was standing next to me so I tried to be friendly and make conversation.  "If 
it keeps this up, we'll all have to buy an ark," I said.  "What's an ark?" she 
asked. "You mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood and all 
those animals?" I asked incredulously."  "Look, mister," she replied, "I've 
only been in town for four days.  I've scarcely had time to read a paper."



A little boy was asked what St. Paul called the Word of God. He remembered 
that it was something sharp, so he guessed, "The Axe of the Apostles."



A lot of us could confess the wisdom in one little boy's jumbled version of 
the Old Testament verse - "A lie is an abomination unto the Lord, and a very 
present help in trouble."



Gerald Kennedy tells about an old lady who heard the implications of evolution 
explained to her and said, "God grant that it may not be true, but if it is 
true, God grant that not many people will hear about it. "



Cecil B. DeMille was once asked why he made so many biblical motion pictures. 
He answered, "Why let 2,000 years of publicity go to waste?"



How do you make your wife scream when you're making love?

Call her up and tell her who you're with!



There was a sign on a plant manager's door:  "If you have problems, come in  
nd tell me about them. If you don't, come in and tell me how you do it."



Q:  What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer?
A:  Frosted flakes!



A shepard was approached by a man as he tended his herd.  The man said "If I 
can guess how many sheep there are in your herd, can I have one?"  The shepard 
agreed to the wager and the man promptly announced that "there are 1,049 sheep 
in your herd."

The shepard said "your absolutely right.  Go ahead and help yourself to one of 
my sheep."  The man claimed his prize and started down the road.  As the man 
walked off the shepard yelled after him "If I can guess your nationality, can 
I have my sheep back?"  The man agreed whereapon the shepard said "you're a
Pollock."

The man said "that's very good.  How did you know?"

The shepard said "If you'll put down my dog, I'll tell you."



Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along 
learning more and more about less and less until they know practically 
everything about nothing.

Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things 
and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know 
practically nothing about everything.

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up 
knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with 
experts and lawyers.



                      MYSTERIES OF THE OVERBLOWN

This provocative new book series provides amazingly arbitrary explanations to 
events which lie entirely within ordinary reality.  Just listen to some of the 
stories described within ...


In Malibu, CA, a woman suddenly feels that her grandson in New York has just 
received a phone call bringing terrible news.  She places a frantic, long 
distance call ... and *the line is busy*.

                 ...IT'S DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE

A group of youths in a wooded clearing are held aloft by an unseen force.  
They report hearing "wow, like, really freaky noises, man."

                 ...IT'S DISMISSED AS "BAD" ACID

As reported by dozens of observers, numerous glowing lights appear in the 
night sky over Denver, remaining until dawn.

                 ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STARS

In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a bolt of 
energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious.

                 ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STUPIDITY

We can no longer afford to ignore things which may not be complete 
fabrications.  Act now and you'll receive the exciting first book,  "THINGS 
THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT."  After that, you'll receive one book per month.  
If you don't want it, send it back within 30 seconds for a full refund.  Many 
exciting titles await, from "SPOOKY NOISES" to "HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE REALLY 
FROM ANOTHER PLANET."

Each book is $89.90, billable in 10 monthly installments of ONLY $8.99 EACH!



Subject: Saddam's Concert Tour

Concert Report:  Saddam Hussein - Mideast Tour

      "The Mother of All Tours"

June 15, 1990       Baghdad
August 2            Kuwait City

For those lucky enough to see this concert in Baghdad and Kuwait, this show 
was a show nobody will ever forget.  For the hundreds of thousands camped out 
to witness this concert, the 6-month wait (by far the longest ever) was worth 
the ordeal and lived up to its name.  About every conceivable record was 
broken as far as concerts go, even with the tour ending prematurely.

Replied concert goers:

 "They'll be cleaning up from this one for years!"

 "The best laser show I've seen!"

 "A little too heavy on the smoke."

 "Wow, man, like the ground shook!"

 "They will be writing books about this concert!  A real killer!"

 "Beats any 'Floyd' and 'Dead' concert I've been to!"


The Kuwait City concert was unprecidented:  noise complaints were registered 
from thousands of miles away - even the U.N. complained!  In an interview, 
Saddam Hussein replied, "I was born to be Iraq's Star."  Asked about the mass 
migration of Kurds to Turkey and Iran, Saddam reasoned that they must be 
unaware of the tour's cancellation and should all go home.  He promised them 
concert T-shirts as a token consillation.

The remainder of the tour was cancelled because of various complications.  For 
example, Saddam Hussein's roadies left after the Kuwait City gig and never 
returned with the instruments.  A new crew is forming for a later tour, but 
the multi-billions invested in instruments and special effects is a 
significant loss.  Many of the road crew members were arrested by the 500,000+ 
police force.

The B-52's showed up outside Baghdad and were a hit.  U-2's were also nearby 
with their new release, "War".  Obviously, timing was bad for this tour.

The group's managment, "Megadeth", had no previous management experience.  
They even forgot to arrange food catering service for the crew.

Saddam's stunning videos seen by the entire world were also dissapointing.  
First, the video where dressed-up Saddam is shown with children on his lap was 
targeted for an audience much too young - many parents demanded warning 
labels.  Other videos featuring bruised men were simply too weird and even 
censored by some organizations.

Saddam's opening band, "New Kids on the Block" was also a poor choice: they 
went around igniting wells with vodka and trashing hotels.  Alcoholic 
beverages are strictly forbidden in the Moslem religon.

Police arrested tens of thousands and used deadly force to supress the 
crowds.  Replied a promoter, "I think the 500,000+ police force was entirely 
unecessary.  They killed and beat people.  They are a big part of the reason 
why the tour was cancelled."

It is rumored that Saddam will get Mummar Khaddafy to play openings on the 
next tour.  No date has been set yet because band mebers are still recovering 
from hangovers.



Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

You can park in the handicap zone.



Why is a blonde like a turtle?

They both get f*cked up when they're on their back.



How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in their ear.



Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.



Did you hear about the man who crossed a dog and a hen and got pooched eggs?


Show me a burned out post office and I'll show you a case of blackmail.


oxymorons:

 plastic silverware
 fresh raisin
 simplified tax structure
 woman driver
 country music
 operating system
 colorless dye
 Duran Duran
 painless operation
 limited nuclear exchange
 Computer Science
 informative survey
 conclusive evidence
 almost infinite
 at infinitiy
 sensible oxymoron
 Holy Hell
 Army intelligence



News Bulletin:

Men and Women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conculsive proof! 
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these 
facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as 
"that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her 
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then she 
will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the breakup - at 
3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to 
let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, 
and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's always a chance for 
us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 
99% of all men have made at least once.  There are community colleges that 
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove 
effective.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place 
as part of the foreplay.


MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can function as 
adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other 
wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, 
and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.  Immediately, the men will get 
very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the 
actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.

The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just chicken-
scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles 
and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's."  It 
is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, 
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, 
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would 
not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the 
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy 
and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys 
these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and 
something turning green.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys everything 
that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is 
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies.  Of 
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go 
out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip 
into Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from 
Saks.  When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five 
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are sore.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, 
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This is 
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.  This 
is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-
art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things 
such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and 
getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry 
on election night.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. 
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they 
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.  Not in abstract terms, 
either.  They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical 
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, 
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect 
to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.

SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of 
clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 
12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get older, their 
toys simply become more expensive and impractical.  Examples of mens toys: 
miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic 
equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and 
anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to 
operate.

PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.

The man will water the plants.

The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.  No 
one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.



So.. why DID the chicken cross the road?

Adolf Hitler : It needed Lebensraum.

Margaret Thatcher : There was no alternative.

Saddam Hussein : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we werequite 
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the 
road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own 
preservation.

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Basil Fawlty: Oh don't mind that chicken, it's from Barcelona.



A new benchmark has been released which accurately measures the speed of any 
computer. The computer is pushed off the top of a building, and speed 
calculated by multiplying by 32.2 fps squared.

The MIPS (Meaningless Index of Plumeting Speed) rating is the raw value times 
the number of CPUs. This is called the FhallingStone benchmark.



How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to mix the drinks, one to expound on how 
much better it is without a man...



In his book Dateline America, Charles Kuralt tells of a sign he saw on the 
door of a cafe in Indiana. It said:  Open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 
Closed Thursday.



The founder of McDonald's, Ray Kroc, was asked by a reporter what he believed 
in.  "I believe in God, my family, and McDonald's," he said.  Then he added, 
"When I get to the office, I reverse the order."



A woman had ordered a book from a large publishing company.  Several weeks 
later she received the following letter:  "Many thanks for your recent order. 
We wish we could fill it at once, but improvements in our procedures will mean 
a delay in shipping."



Murphy's Law--"If anything can go wrong, it will"--should be extended as 
follows:  "and usually late on a Friday afternoon." 



"No matter how tired you may be, your exhaustion is fully justified, as can be 
proven by simple arithmetic.  The U.S. has a population of 200 million.  Of 
these, 72 million are over 65 years old, leaving 128 million to do the work. 
When you subtract the 75 million people under 21, you get 53 million.  There 
are also 24 million employed by the Federal Government, which leaves 29 
million to do the work.  The 12 million in the Armed Forces leave only 17 
million to do the work, and, when you subtract from this the 15,765,000 who 
are in state and city offices and 520,000 in hospitals, mental institutions 
and similar places, the work force is reduced to 715,000. Fine, but-- 462,000 
are bums and vagrants, leaving only 253,000 to do the work.  There are 252,998 
people in jail, leaving--you guessed it--just 2 people, you and me. And I'm 
getting tired."



So God says to Adam:  "How you doing?"  Adam replies:  "I'm just great!"  The 
weather is perfect, the food is fine, there's no disease or sin.  I don't 
think it could be better, God."  God says:  "Are you sure there's nothing I 
can do for you?"  Adam:  "Well, God, there is one thing.  Sometimes I think 
I'd give an arm and a leg just to have someone to talk with."  God:  "I've 
been thinking about that.  How would you like it if I got another person for 
you?  Like you, but different.  A little smaller.  A lot rounder and softer.  
Someone with a voice like a bell.  Someone to help clean up around the garden, 
to prepare your meals, to bear your children.  Someone to stand by you through 
thick and thin, to be a loving, caring companion for all your days?"  Adam:  
"Gee, God, that sounds great!  But what can I get for just a rib?"



This cowboy was out looking for a job one day.  He stopped at a ranchers house 
to ask the rancher for a job.  This rancher looks over the cowboy and thinks 
to himself, "Waal, he looks ok, 10 gallon hat, denim shirt, denim pants but 
he's wearing tennis shoes.  Guess I'll see what he can do."

So the rancher tells the cowboy.  "OK, let's see what you can do.  Go rope 
that calf over there and brand it."

The cowboy has the calf branded before the little doggie knows what hit him.  
Well, the rancher is a bit impressed but still not too sure so he gives him 
another test. "Now break that there bronc", he points to a wild looking 
stallion in a corral.

This cowboy saddles, and rides the bronc, wildest ride you've ever seen.  
After 5 minutes the bronc is so tired he settles down and the cowboy  hand the 
rancher a tame horse.

This rancher is IMPRESSED now.  "OK, son you got the job.  There's just one 
question I gotta ask you.  You rope and ride real well and you look mostly 
like a cowboy except for them tennis shoes.  Why don't you wear cowboy boots 
instead of tennis shoes?"

The cowboy looks the rancher in the eye and says, "I would wear cowboy boots 
but then people would think I was a damn trucker!"



A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office.  "Doc, I want my sex drive 
lowered."  "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97.  Don't you think you're 'sex 
drive' is all in your head?"

"You're d*mn right it is!" replied the old man.  "That's why I want it 
lowered!"



Australian foreplay: "Brace y'self, Sheila."

Biker foreplay: "Spread 'em, bitch."



Upon visiting a friend in Oklahoma, the Texan continuously stated that crops, 
buildings, etc were bigger in Texas.  Tiring of the bragging of his Texas 
frind, the Oklahoman decided to one up him.  That night, while the friend was 
in the shower, the Oklahoman put a rather large snapping turtle in the Texan's 
bed.  When the Texan pulled back the covers to get in bed, he let out a yell 
upon seeing the turtle.  When the Oklahoman came into the room the Texan asked 
"What's that doing in my bed?"  The Oklahoman replied,"That?  Oh, that's just 
one of our bed bugs."

The Texan responded," Cute little fella, ain't he."



An efficiency expert looks at a symphony orchestra playing an unfinished 
symphony by Schubert:

1. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do.  Their 
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra.

2. Forty violins were playing identical notes.  This seems unnecessary 
duplication, and this section should be drastically cut.  If a larger volume 
of sound is required, this could be achieved through an electronic amplifier.

3. Much effort was absorbed in the playing of demi/semi-quavers.  This seems 
an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded to 
the nearest semi-quaver.  If this were done, it should be possible to use 
trainees and lower-grade operators.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has 
already been handled by the strings.  If all such redundant passages were 
eliminated, the concert could be reduced to twenty minutes.

If Schubert had attended to these matters, he probably would have been able to 
finish his symphony after all.



Sign in a hot dog stand near the bus garage in West Hollywood, California: 
"Bus drivers must have exact change"



A factory worker was called on the carpet by the manager for talking back to 
his foreman.

"Is it true that you called him a liar?" asked the manager.

"Yes," said the worker, staring down at the floor.

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"Slave driver?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, bull-headed egomaniac?"

The fellow looked up questioningly. "No. . .should I have?"



In a SMART CHART Cartoon, two businessmen are gazing at a sales chart with the 
line off the chart headed toward the basement.  Says one to the other:  "If we 
could just get back up to broke, we could quit."



An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like 
best about your job?"

"The good pay," one factory worker replied.

"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.

"The good pay," he said again.

The expert was surprised. "What do you mean?  You like it the best and you 
like it the least?"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part.  But if it 
didn't pay so well, I'd quit!  That would be better!"



Two men are having their hair cut in a barbershop.  When the barber starts to 
sprinkle hair tonic on one of them, he says "Hey! don't put that stinkadora on 
me.  My wife will think I smell like a whorehouse."  The other man says 
calmly, "You can put it on me, barber.  My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse 
smells like."



A man who stammers is being made fun of for this, and turns on his tormentor 
with the question "W-w-w-well, w-w-we all have out little p-p-pecularities, 
you kn-know.  F-f-f-for instance, which hand do you w-w-w-wipe your bottom 
with?"

"The left hand."

"W-w-well, that's y-y-y-your peculiarity.  M-m-m-most people y-y-y-use paper."



"What became of your girl?"  "She got syphilis and bled to death."  "You don't 
bleed to death when you have syphilis."

"You do when you give it to me."



Three budding athletes are trying to get into the stadium for the olympics but 
they forgot their passes.  As they are standing there arguing with the guard a 
fellow comes up dressed in his his jogging suit and carrying a ball in his 
hand.  He shouts "Greece, shot put!", and the guard waves him in.

The other three see the light and one gets into his jogging suit, tears off a 
hubcap from a parked car, comes up to the gate and shouts "England, discus!" 
The guard waves him in.

The second one into suit, grabs a broom handle, gets to guard, shouts "Italy, 
javelin!", and gets waved in.

The third one puts on his jogging suit, wraps himself into about 30 yards of 
barbed wire, waddles up to the guard and shouts  "Poland, FENCING!".


George Bush said to Dan Quayle, "Dan, it's been a long time since we have done 
something fun ya' know." and Dan says like male bonding boss?"  George said  
"Yea, I guess so...some thing like that.  Lets go take the Jeep out for a ride 
and check out the White House garden."  They goto the White House garage, and 
uncover the Jeep. "O.K. Dan, lets be safe...lets make sure that everything on 
works."  says George, so he started up the Jeep and asked Dan to make sure 
that the exhaust worked.  Dan replied "It's fine boss", then he walked to the  
front of the car and checked to make sure that they headlights worked...they  
did. George  then  said O.K., and finally Dan, in case we get into trouble, we 
have to make  sure that  the emergency blinkers work." So Dan got behind the 
Jeep, and  said "Hit  it boss." George turned on the hazard lights and  said 
"Do  they work  Dan?" and Dan responded "Yea they work...No they  don't... Yea 
they work... No they don't... Yea the work... No they don't..."


Here is a story that says a lot about customer service.  A man was preparing 
his favorite breakfast of hot oatmeal when his daughter came rushing in with 
his little grandson.  "The baby-sitter has been delayed," she explained, "and 
I've got to go to work.  Will you keep Bobby for a few hours?"

Granddad said sure and his daughter left. Then Granddad scooped up two bowls 
of oatmeal.  "Do you like sugar?"  he asked.

When Bobby nodded he asked, "How about some butter, too?"

When his grandson nodded again he asked, "How about milk?"

"Sure," the boy said.

But when the grandfather placed the steaming bowl of oatmeal in front of 
Bobby, the boy made a face and pushed it away.

"But when I asked you, you said you liked sugar, butter and milk," grandfather 
protested.

"Yeah," Bobby answered, "but you didn't ask me if I like oatmeal."



Lucy:  I'm thinking of starting some new hobbies...

Charlie Brown:  That's a good idea, Lucy.  The people who get the most out of 
life are those who really try to accomplish something.

Lucy:  Accomplish something?  I thought we were just supposed to keep busy!



