

Home Safety Tip for Men #1: Don't iron naked.



What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a computer?

A computer that never goes down on you.



I need a new lawyer.  Mine was killed when an ambulance suddenly backed up.



I just read an interesting novel about two ex-convicts.  One of them studies 
to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.



Saddam Hussein is not a master of public relations.  His idea of a press 
release is to let a reporter out of jail.



Front page headline in the Chicago Sun-Times, referring to the dismissal of 
Air Force Chief of Staff Michael Dugan after the four-star general made 
several injudicious comments to the press:  AIR HEAD FIRED.



A cub reporter was sent to investigate a report that a local resident could 
sing the entire score of Aida while eating a seven-course meal.  When he 
returned, his editor demanded to know why he wasn't writing the story.  "There 
was nothing to it," said the reporter.  "The guy's got two heads."



My daughter's computer knowledge far exceeds my own.  And I expect the gap 
will widen once she starts kindergarten.



Yesterday I got my tie stuck in the fax machine. Next thing I knew, I was in 
Boston.



I daydream a lot.  I once found a "While You Were Out" memo taped to my 
forehead.



An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the 
more he is interested in her.  -- Agatha Christie, who was married to one.



The day after President Kennedy's inaugural address, Richard Nixon approached 
Ted Sorenson, Kennedy's personal speechwriter, and remarked, "I have to admit 
that there were some words Jack Kennedy said that I wish I had said."

"Thank you," Sorenson replied.  "I guess you mean the part about asking not 
what your country can do for you..."

"No, no,"  Nixon answered.  "I mean the part about, "I do solemnly swear..."



A farmer walked into his banker's office and announced, "Well, I've got  good 
news and bad news."

"Give me the bad news first," replied the banker.

"You know that crop loan I've taken out from you every year for the last ten 
years?"

"Yes."

"Well, this year I can't pay it back.  And you know the mortgage I have on my 
land?"

"Yes."

"Well, I can't pay that back either.  And the hundred thousand I still have 
outstanding on my tractor and the other equipment?"

"I get the point.  What's the good news?"

The farmer smiled. "I just want you to know I'm going to keep on banking with 
you."



There is a report from Hong Kong on the absentminded professor who went to a 
massage parlor.  As he was leaving, the pretty masseuse asked petulantly, 
"Where were you when I kneaded you?"



I'm shocked by the prices of optical instruments.  My son wanted a telescope 
but it was astronomical.  And I had an eye examination but didn't purchase new 
glasses because they were out of sight!

That's right!    Optometry lens itself to inflation!



During the Great Depression one question was, "What's the difference between a 
stock broker and a pigeon?"  And the answer was  "A pigeon can still make a 
deposit on a Ford!"



Like the origami club of Arlington, Mass.,  They are trying to bring more 
members into the fold.



Said one lady to her husband. "Why don't we give only sensible gifts this 
Christmas like ties and mink coats!"



A lady just a few weeks before Christmas phoned the Fire Department excitedly. 
"My tree is on fire!" she yelled into the telephone. "Quick," said the fireman 
on the other end of the line, "How do we get there?"  "Oh dear," exclaimed the 
lady.  "Don't you have those large red trucks anymore?"



Transcript of an actual trial:

        Lawyer:  You're the defendant's mother?

        Witness:  That's right.

        Lawyer:  And how long have you known him?



Q:  How many Soviet coup leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None.  "The lightbulb is merely ill from its arduous task of giving off 
light for the last few years, and is resting.  It is hoped that it will be 
able to return to work sometime in the future."



From a discussion on data processing bottlenecks:

    "All computers wait at the same speed."



        Q: In Mississippi, what do they call a black self-made millionaire
           who wins the Nobel prize for theoretical physics?

        A: "Boy".


TEENAGE PROSTITUTION PROBLEM IS MOUNTING



RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE



Three executives were sitting around trying to put a definition on the word 
"fame".  One said:  "Fame is being invited to the White House for a talk with 
The President."

The second executive said:  "No.  Fame is being invited to the White House for 
a talk with The President --and when the Hot Line interrupts the conversation, 
He doesn't answer it."

The third executive said:   "You're both wrong.  Fame is being invited to the 
White House for a talk with The President and when the Hot Line rings, he does 
answer it, listens a moment, and then says:   "Here, it's for you!"



What do 50,000 battered wives have in common?    None of them knew when to 
shut the f*&% up!



A woman goes golfing one day and gets stung by a bee and goes to the golf pro 
"golf pro, i just got stung by a bee."

The golf pro rubs his chin and asks "That's odd, where did you get stung?"

"Between the first and second hole" said the stung woman.

"Aha, you see the problem is in your stance, your legs are too far apart....."



Did you hear about the Polish abortion clinic?

It has a year long waiting list.



In the midst of the Civil War, as he was besieged by irate citizens, advisers 
politicians and military leaders all telling him what he should do, Abraham 
Lincoln said he felt like the man lost in a dense forest during a severe 
thunderstorm, who prayed, "Oh, Lord, if it's all the same to you, please give 
me a little more light and a little less noise!"



A tourist stranded in the desert asked a passing merchant for water.

"Sorry,"  replied the passerby, "I have no water.  Only neckties which I am 
taking to market."  The traveler staggered on through the burning sands and 
met another native.

"Please, sir! Can you give me some water?"

"I have no water,"  replied the second man, "only these ties which I am taking 
to market."  Half dead, he met a third native, but it was the same story--no 
water, only ties.  But to his relief he spotted a hotel in the distance.  He 
crawled into the lobby on his hands and knees and croaked out,

"Please, please, give me water!"

"Sorry, sir,"  said the desk clerk.  "We don't allow anyone in without a tie."



One Saturday afternoon, the locker room boy answering the telephone heard a 
female voice say, "Is my husband there?"

The boy promptly answered, "No, ma'am."

"How can you say he isn't there before I even tell you who I am?"

"Don't make no difference, lady.  They ain't never nobody's husband here."



A father had given his son a dollar for his birthday.  All afternoon, the lad 
had trotted around his neighborhood, getting his bill changed to silver at the 
grocer's, back to a bill again at the baker's, and so on.  Observing all this 
hustle and bustle, the father asked him the reason for his strange behavior.

"Well, you see, it's like this."  replied the enterprising chap, "sooner or 
later somebody is going to make a mistake.  and it's not going to be me."



"Look.  madam,"  said the irate fellow who was strap-hanging on the bus, "you 
are standing on my foot."

"Oh, I am sorry,"  the lady standing next to him said.  "I really thought it 
belonged to this man sitting down."



A farmer brought his brother to see the psychiatrist.  "My brother," he 
explained, "thinks he's a hen."

"Really,"  said the psychiatrist, "and how long has he been thinking on those 
lines?"

"For about four months,"  replied the farmer.

"And you did nothing about it?"

"No, doctor."

"That's too bad.  Why in the name of all that's reasonable didn't you?

"Well, to tell you the truth, doctor, we needed the eggs."



Q:  How do you get a blonde to drown him/her self?

A:  Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool!



Two guys were driving down a country road.  The driver look out the window and 
saw a chicken running beside the car.  He speeded up to 50mph and the chicken 
stayed beside them.  He speeded up to 60, 70, 80mph and the chicken was right 
beside them.

All the sudden the chicken made a left and turned into a driveway.  The man 
said to the passenger,"Lets go back and find out what that was all about!"

They pulled into the driveway where the chicken went.  They looked in the yard 
and there were lots of chickens and they all had three legs.

He went up to the man and asked why his chickens had three legs. The man 
said," We are raising these chickens for Kentucky Fried Chicken and the drum 
sticks are the best parts, so we breed them to have three legs.

The guy asked, "Well are they any good?"

The man said, "We don't know. We haven't caught one yet.



What is Pee Wee's favorite holiday?

Palm Sunday.



Just when you think that you've heard all the variants on "chip monks" and 
"fish friars," we hear about two chefs in Boston who were competing for the 
title of "Finest Fish Fryer."  Their talents were about equal, their dishes 
equally excellent.  However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his 
entry and won  the title.

"Alas!" lamented the other, "There but for the glaze of cod go I!"



New TV shows planned for the fall of 1991:

Sixty Minuets -- A musical based on a 1791 dance marathon.

Twin Peaks - A drama about two brothers, both of whom are Peeping Toms.

As the Worm Terns -- An environmental series about annelids who are endangered 
by seagulls.

Good Mourning, America -- A localized show on which the host reads the names 
of all the people in town who died on the previous day.



Did you hear about the local man who stole a cadaver and got a stiff sentence?



I see that now that the Finnish national airline has closed its local office 
it is no longer possible to walk along the street and disappear into Finnair.



Which reminds us of the story about the two young vampires who loved in vein.



Office boy: "I think I know what's wrong with this country!"

Bank executive: "And what's that, son?"

Office boy: "We're trying to run America with only one vice-president."



Wanting to borrow some money to make a six month tour of Europe, a man went to 
the bank where he had done business for years.  The bank refused the loan.  He 
went to another bank and obtained the loan without any difficulty.  Then he 
bought a five pound fish, had it wrapped, and put it in his safe deposit box 
at the first bank as he joyfully left town for six months.



The burglars had tied and gagged the bank cashier after extracting the 
combination to the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate 
room under guard.  After they rifled the safe and were about to leave the 
cashier made desperate pleading noises through the gag.  Moved by curiosity 
one of the burglars loosened the gag.

"Please"  whispered the cashier, "take the books, too: I'm $6,500 short."



"Your dog likes to watch you cut hair, doesn't he?"

"It ain't that.  Sometimes I snip off a bit of ear."



Customer: "I want a close shave."

Barber: "You just had one."

Customer: "How's zat?"

Barber: "That big guy who walked in just as you took your hand off the 
manicurist's knee is her husband."



A man walked into the barber's and asked for a shave.  The barber's
young assistant spoke up: "May I try shaving him? It'll be good practice."

"All right, go ahead,"  replied his boss doubtfully.  "But be careful.  Don't 
cut yourself."



Definition of mixed emotions:  Hearing that a bus load of lawyers drove off a 
cliff, and learning that there were still empty seats.



Q:  When you're talking to a lawyer, how can you tell when he is lying?

A:  His lips move.



Did you hear that NIH has stopped using laboratory rats for testing, and 
started using lawyers instead?   Three reasons...

1 - there are more lawyers than rats;

2 - the lawyers are marginally cleaner;  and

3 - the lab technicians don't grow as attached to them.



What are the worst things about being an egg ?

  -You only get laid once,
  -You only get eaten once,
  -It takes you 10 minutes to get hard
  -It takes you three minutes to get soft
  -Only your mother sits on your face...



Have you heard about the new deli sandwich?  the PEE WEE HERMAN...

It's a rueban and hold the pickle.



Cash: the poor man's credit card.



Name two people who were shot in the head in a theatre.

Abraham Lincoln, and ...The guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.



Two cows were grazing alongside a highway when a truck of milk on its way to 
the distributor passed by.  On the side of the truck in big red letters was a 
sign which read, "Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized.  Vitamin A added."  
One cow turned to the other and remarked, "Sort of makes you feel inadequate, 
doesn't it?"



A man had gone about six miles in a taxi when he discovered that he left his 
wallet at home.  He knew he had a problem and had to do something, so about a 
block short of his destination he leaned forward and told the driver, "Stop at 
this hardware store.   I need to buy a flashlight so I can look for the 
hundred dollar bill I dropped back here."  When he came out of the store, the 
taxi was gone.



There is a lot we can learn from Socrates.
First, he was a great philosopher.
Second, he spent most of his time going around giving advice.
Third, he was poisoned.



Dear Dr. Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem.  It seems that I have been married to a 
sex maniac for the past 10 years.  He makes love to me regardless of what I am 
doing- ironing,  washing dishes, ssweeeeeppingg,,, etccc.

I  woulkkdd liiikkkee      tttooo

        knowwq  if               theeer ids anytthninng yopu    c can
recccomerfnk;lfd df      optr t
!
erpt ;fds.,g34!4 ilkssdddss'as;sdf[  ;'ag[out
!is.

Sniewcperely,

Ewe-re  oi flwfeionlsdj



Medical definitions:

Artery -  the study of fine paintings
Barium -  What you do when somebody dies
Caesarian section -  a district in downtown Rome.
Colic -  a sheepdog
Coma -  a punctuation mark
Congenital -  friendly
Dilate -  to live longer
Fester -  quicker
G.I. Series -  baseball games between soldiers
Hangnail -  nail to hang your coat on
Medical staff -  old doctor's walking cane
Midol -  what a little girl calls her favorite toy
Minor operation -  digging
Morbid -  a higher offer
Nitrate -  cheaper than the day rate
Node -  was aware of - "I node about it."
Oganic - musical
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Postoperative - a letter carrier.  Also the process of mailing you the bill
Secretion - hiding anything
Tablet - a small table
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of "you're out"
Urinate - someone pretty. Almost a ten
Varicose viens - veins that are really close to each other



Computer definitions:
ACCESS-         What you no longer can do to your credit card,
                since you went over your limit buying a computer.

BACK UP RELIGIOUSLY-  When a computer user says "I back up my fixed disk
                religiously," it's his way of saying "I don't make backups at
                all, I just hope and pray my hard disk doesn't crash."
                This term can also be used to describe the action someone
                takes when they back up their disk on Sunday, instead of going
                to church.

BIT-            A word used to describe computers, such as "my computer
                cost quite a bit"

BOOT-           What your wife and friends want to give you for spending
                too much time on the computer

BUG-            What your eyes do after staring at the screen for more
                than 10 minutes.  Also what your wife does to you when she
                gets tired of you spending so much time on the computer,
                and not enough time on her.

BUS-            What you ride to work in now, since you sold your car to pay
                for that fancy laser printer.

CACHE-          What you gave the computer saleman who talked you in to
                buying a computer.

CHIPS-          the fattenning, non-notritional food computer users eat to
                avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals

CURSOR-         What you turn in to when you find out your hard disk crashed

DISK-           What goes out in your back from sitting down in a bad
                posture for several hours a day at your computer, or from
                trying to move your laser printer.

ERROR-          What you made the first time you walked into a computer
                store to "just browse"

ESCAPE-         What your wife wishes she could do ever since you got
                a computer and started ignoring her.

EXPANSION UNIT- What you call the new room you have to add on to your
                house to hold your computer and all it's accessories.

EXECUTE-        What your family wants to do to you for buying a computer.

FAT-            What you are becoming from lack of exercise and eating
                junk food all day in front of your computer.

FILE-           What your secretary does to her nails for 7 hours a day,
                now that the computer does her work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY-         The condition a computer user's stomach, due to lack of
                exercise and a diet of junk food

HARDWARE-       tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes, and other power equipment
                that you haven't touched since you got a computer.

IBM-            An acronym whichs means "invest big money"

INTERRUPTS-     What your family does to you every time you sit down at the
                computer to do something important.

MEMORY-         What you start to lose since yours is overloaded
                trying to learn all those new commands.

MEMORY MODEL-   Those GIF pictures of pretty girls you've been looking at
                on your PC.

MENU-           What you'll never see again, because you're too broke to
                eat at a restuarant since you bought a computer.

MIPS-           The male version of PMS

MODEM-          Slang- used to request more, such as "gimme mo'dem thar nuts"

MOTHERBOARD-    What a daughterboard turns in to after you insert a
                male D-connector (or joystick cord) into a female
                D-connector a few times.

NODE-           A verb, meaning "was aware of, as in "I node about it"

PROGRAMS-       Those shows you used to watch on television before you
                connected it to your computer to use a a monitor.

PROCESSOR SPEED-The rate at which your computer falls to the pavement after
                you throw it out your third-floor window. Also see Windows.

RAM-            What you do with your fist to the side of your computer
                when it won't work properly.

RETURN-         What you wish you could do with your computer if the store
                would let you.

SYNTAX-         A new tax the government created to get you when you're
                having fun doing something you shouldn't.

TERMINAL-       A place where you can find buses, trains, and great
                deals on hot computers.

UPGRADE-        What the computer salesman did to his standard of living
                after you walked out of the store with your new
                computer.

WINDOWS-        What you throw your computer out of after it erases a
                program that took you 2 months to write. Also see
                processor speed.



Novelist Sinclair Lewis was to lecture a group of college students who planned 
literary careers.  Lewis opened his talk by saying:

"How many of you really intend to be writers?" All hands went up.

"In that case,"  said Lewis, returning his notes to his pocket, "my advice to 
you is to go home and write."

With that, he left the room.



A college Professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo.  He 
enjoyed looking at the varied wildlife as he wandered through the paths, and 
sat down by the monkeys to rest.  He became very perplexed as he noticed that 
one monkey had a bowl of peanuts, and would pull out a peanut, look at it, 
stuff it up it's bum hole, take it out and eat it.  He watched the monkey do 
this until the entire bowl was empty.  Being rather upset and confused by what 
he had witnessed, he went up to the offices, and asked to speak with the zoo-
keeper.  When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something 
was definitely wrong with one of his monkeys.  After he related what he had 
seen, the keeper gravely nodded his head and said that the monkey he had seen 
was the smartest animal in the zoo.  Totally baffled, the Professor asked him 
how that could be? "Well," said the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a 
whole peach, and it hurt him so bad when the pit came out, that now he checks 
everything before he eats it to make sure it will fit!"



I'm concerned about my son.  All day long he runs around making noise to get 
attention and the only thing he seems to be committed to is recess.  You'd 
think by now he'd be past that stage.  After all, it's his third term in 
Congress.



Your congressman has probably learned that bit of age-old political wisdom: 

"What you don't know won't hurt him.



Congress is the only circus in the world without a balancing act.



I don't know how sincere the new arms proposals are, but I'd much rather work 
toward eliminating nuclear weapons by the year 2000 than eliminating the year 
2000 by nuclear weapons.



Raising the postage rate to 25 cents wasn't very smart in my opinion.

It's just too tempting to call the postal service a twobit operation.



There is a corny story about a little girl in a mountain family who laid her 
head over on her father's ample midriff in a worship service and went to 
sleep. The mother, seeing her daughter cushion her head in this fashion, 
whispered to her husband, "There, Clyde, now you know what it means to be a 
pillar o' the church."



A barber with a bad case of "morning after the night before"  shakes nicked 
the customer he was shaving.  The customer commented, "You see what too much 
liquor will do to you!"

"Yeah,"  replied the barber, "it sure makes your skin tender."




Sam, the barber, seemed a little jumpy and it made his customer nervous.  

"Sam,"  he said, "what happens if you cut a customer?  Does the boss get 
sore?"

"Yes, he does,"  Sam replied.  "He makes us pay a dollar for every cut we give 
a customer but I don't care, I had a good day at the races yesterday."



The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.



Prospective employee: "Just why do you want a married man to work for you 
rather than a bachelor?"

Boss: "The married men don't get so upset if I yell at them."



"I was sorry to hear that your brother passed on,"  one old classmate consoled 
another at a reunion.  "Had he finished his education?"

"No,"  said the other.  "He died a bachelor."



What do you get when you play a country/western record backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, you get your car back, your dog comes home, you 
get your job back...



The Reagans were dining out.  The waitress asked Nancy what she would have and 
she replied, "I'll have the Beef Wellington."

Waitress: "Your drink?"  Nancy: "Iced tea."

Waitress: "And your vegetable?"  Nancy: "Oh, he'll have the same."



Seems their was this guy in Los Vegas for a little fun. A rather sexy looking 
lady walked up to him and gave him a little wink then said "I'll do anything 
you want for $200. He says anything? She looks deep into his eyes and wispers 
in a very suggestive voice "anything".

So he pulls out a wad of cash and peels off two hundred bucks and hands it two 
her. She puts the money in her purse and says OK what would you like me to do. 
He looks deep into her eyes and says "paint my house".



God is telling Adam about his new idea.  "I can make you the best mate anyone 
could ask for.  She will love you.  She'll cook for you, clean for you, take 
care of you, mend your clothes, wash all of your dishes, never get angry, and 
just do everything you command.  All it will take is an arm and a leg."

Adam replies, "I don't know.  That's kind of expensive.  What could I get for 
just a rib?"


How do you ruin a Polish party?

Flush the punch bowl.



What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dicktater.



If God had meant there to be homosexuals,

Wouldn't it have been Adam and Steve!



Did you hear they are building a new AIDS hospital in Atlanta?

They are going to call it sick fags over Georgia.



A man was out fishing early one morning, not having much luck.  He had been 
watching this other fellow on the other bank catch fish one right after 
another.  This went on for some time, until finally the first man walked 
upstream, crossed the river and made his way to the other side.  Then he too 
started to catch fish.  When his stringer was full he walked down to where the 
second fellow was and asked him how he knew which side to fish on.  The man 
replied, "Well, when I wake up I look at my wife.  If she's laying on her 
right side, I fish on the right bank.  If she's laying on her left side, I 
fish on the left bank.

The first man then asked, "What happens if she's laying on her back?"

To which the second man replied "THEN I don't go fishing!"



Pres. Bush, (NY)Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ)Gov. Florio are flying on a plane 
together.  When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his name on two one 
dollar bills and threw them from the plane.  Florio very curious about this 
action asked him why he had done it.  Cuomo responded that he had just won two 
votes.

Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred dollar 
bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.  This caught 
the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this action.  Florio 
explained about just winning two votes.

A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from the plane.  
The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the world he just killed 
two Governors.  The President responded, "Simple, I just won two states."



What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick alikes.



What do they embalm gays with?

Fruit juice



Why did the two queers leave the bar while arguing?

They wanted to exchange blows in the alley.



How can you tell gay intellectuals?

They're blowing each other's minds.



How do homosexuals get that way?

Half are born and half are sucked in.

Jesse James and his criminal band boarded a train in the old west.

"Bang! Bang!' Their guns blasted as they entered the VIP car.

"All right, folks," Jesse ordered, "don't anybody move. I'm going to rob all 
the women and rape all the men."

A nerdy little guy looked up inquisitively at the famous outlaw.  "Excuse me, 
Mr. James," he said, his quivering hands stretched high over his head. "You 
mean, you're going to rob all the men and rape all the women."

"You hush up," say a gay guy on the front row, "and let Mr. Jesse do the 
talking."



This guy goes to apply for a job at a large company.  He hands
the manager his application and resume, and the manager tells
him he needs to check his references and to come back in the
morning.

The manager calls the first reference for the applicant's last employer. "So, 
what kind of employee was Mr. Simms?", he asked.

"Oh he was a GREAT worker!", his old boss proclaimed.  "But when we caught him 
stealing from us, we had to let him go."

He called the second reference. "Oh, he was an OUTSTANDING worker.  He always 
got the job done, but he was constantly showing up late for work, so we had to 
let him go."

The third reference said, "Yea, he worked his ass off, but he was a flaming 
gay, and the other employees felt uncomfortable around him, so we had to let 
him go."

The next day, the eager applicant was sitting in his prospective boss' office 
again.  The boss leaned forward at his desk and said, "Well...I called your 
references and I guess I'll give you a chance here.  But...if I EVER catch you 
taking ONE thing, your ass is outta here!  Also, if you are late more than 
twice in one month, you are outta here!"  The boss leaned way back in his 
chair and smiled.  "Now, come on over here and give me a kiss!"



I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps 'em on the knife!



                             The Stress Diet

BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast (without skin)
1 cup steamed zucchini squash
1 Oreo cookie
Herb tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of package of Oreos
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pither of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer



                           DIET TIPS

1.  If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2.  If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

3.  Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as:
    chocolate, a Brandy toast, or a Sara Lee cheescake.

4.  If you fatten-up everyone around you, then you look thinner.

5.  Movie-related foods (such as Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints,
    and Red Fine's licorice) do not count because they are simply part of the
    entertainment experience and not part of ones personal fuel.

6.  When eating with someone else, calories do not count if you both eat the
    same amount.

7.  Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breakage causes calorie
    leakage.

8.  If you eat something (particularly pie, sausage, gravy and ice cream) from
    another persons plate (particularly if they are your children or other
    family members), there is no calorie gain to you.  All calories are
    ascribed to plate owners.



What is Pee Wee's favorite holiday?

Palm Sunday.



Just when you think that you've heard all the variants on "chip monks" and 
"fish friars," we hear about two chefs in Boston who were competing for the 
title of "Finest Fish Fryer."  Their talents were about equal, their dishes 
equally excellent.  However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his 
entry and won  the title.

"Alas!" lamented the other, "There but for the glaze of cod go I!"



New TV shows planned for the fall of 1991:

Sixty Minuets -- A musical based on a 1791 dance marathon.

Twin Peaks - A drama about two brothers, both of whom are Peeping Toms.

As the Worm Terns -- An environmental series about annelids who are endangered 
by seagulls.

Good Mourning, America -- A localized show on which the host reads the names 
of all the people in town who died on the previous day.



Did you hear about the local man who stole a cadaver and got a stiff sentence?



I see that now that the Finnish national airline has closed its local office 
it is no longer possible to walk along the street and disappear into Finnair.



Which reminds us of the story about the two young vampires who loved in vein.



Office boy: "I think I know what's wrong with this country!"

Bank executive: "And what's that, son?"

Office boy: "We're trying to run America with only one vice-president."



Wanting to borrow some money to make a six month tour of Europe, a man went to 
the bank where he had done business for years.  The bank refused the loan.  He 
went to another bank and obtained the loan without any difficulty.  Then he 
bought a five pound fish, had it wrapped, and put it in his safe deposit box 
at the first bank as he joyfully left town for six months.



The burglars had tied and gagged the bank cashier after extracting the 
combination to the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate 
room under guard.  After they rifled the safe and were about to leave the 
cashier made desperate pleading noises through the gag.  Moved by curiosity 
one of the burglars loosened the gag.

"Please"  whispered the cashier, "take the books, too: I'm $6,500 short."



"Your dog likes to watch you cut hair, doesn't he?"

"It ain't that.  Sometimes I snip off a bit of ear."



Customer: "I want a close shave."

Barber: "You just had one."

Customer: "How's zat?"

Barber: "That big guy who walked in just as you took your hand off the 
manicurist's knee is her husband."



A man walked into the barber's and asked for a shave.  The barber's
young assistant spoke up: "May I try shaving him? It'll be good practice."

"All right, go ahead,"  replied his boss doubtfully.  "But be careful.  Don't 
cut yourself."



Definition of mixed emotions:  Hearing that a bus load of lawyers drove off a 
cliff, and learning that there were still empty seats.



Q:  When you're talking to a lawyer, how can you tell when he is lying?

A:  His lips move.



Did you hear that NIH has stopped using laboratory rats for testing, and 
started using lawyers instead?   Three reasons...

1 - there are more lawyers than rats;

2 - the lawyers are marginally cleaner;  and

3 - the lab technicians don't grow as attached to them.



What are the worst things about being an egg ?

  -You only get laid once,
  -You only get eaten once,
  -It takes you 10 minutes to get hard
  -It takes you three minutes to get soft
  -Only your mother sits on your face...



Have you heard about the new deli sandwich?  the PEE WEE HERMAN...

It's a rueban and hold the pickle.



Cash: the poor man's credit card.



Name two people who were shot in the head in a theatre.

Abraham Lincoln, and ...The guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.



Two cows were grazing alongside a highway when a truck of milk on its way to 
the distributor passed by.  On the side of the truck in big red letters was a 
sign which read, "Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized.  Vitamin A added."  
One cow turned to the other and remarked, "Sort of makes you feel inadequate, 
doesn't it?"



A man had gone about six miles in a taxi when he discovered that he left his 
wallet at home.  He knew he had a problem and had to do something, so about a 
block short of his destination he leaned forward and told the driver, "Stop at 
this hardware store.   I need to buy a flashlight so I can look for the 
hundred dollar bill I dropped back here."  When he came out of the store, the 
taxi was gone.



There is a lot we can learn from Socrates.
First, he was a great philosopher.
Second, he spent most of his time going around giving advice.
Third, he was poisoned.



Dear Dr. Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem.  It seems that I have been married to a 
sex maniac for the past 10 years.  He makes love to me regardless of what I am 
doing- ironing,  washing dishes, ssweeeeeppingg,,, etccc.

I  woulkkdd liiikkkee      tttooo

        knowwq  if               theeer ids anytthninng yopu    c can
recccomerfnk;lfd df      optr t
!
erpt ;fds.,g34!4 ilkssdddss'as;sdf[  ;'ag[out
!is.

Sniewcperely,

Ewe-re  oi flwfeionlsdj



Medical definitions:

Artery -  the study of fine paintings
Barium -  What you do when somebody dies
Caesarian section -  a district in downtown Rome.
Colic -  a sheepdog
Coma -  a punctuation mark
Congenital -  friendly
Dilate -  to live longer
Fester -  quicker
G.I. Series -  baseball games between soldiers
Hangnail -  nail to hang your coat on
Medical staff -  old doctor's walking cane
Midol -  what a little girl calls her favorite toy
Minor operation -  digging
Morbid -  a higher offer
Nitrate -  cheaper than the day rate
Node -  was aware of - "I node about it."
Oganic - musical
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Postoperative - a letter carrier.  Also the process of mailing you the bill
Secretion - hiding anything
Tablet - a small table
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of "you're out"
Urinate - someone pretty. Almost a ten
Varicose viens - veins that are really close to each other



Computer definitions:
ACCESS-         What you no longer can do to your credit card,
                since you went over your limit buying a computer.

BACK UP RELIGIOUSLY-  When a computer user says "I back up my fixed disk
                religiously," it's his way of saying "I don't make backups at
                all, I just hope and pray my hard disk doesn't crash."
                This term can also be used to describe the action someone
                takes when they back up their disk on Sunday, instead of going
                to church.

BIT-            A word used to describe computers, such as "my computer
                cost quite a bit"

BOOT-           What your wife and friends want to give you for spending
                too much time on the computer

BUG-            What your eyes do after staring at the screen for more
                than 10 minutes.  Also what your wife does to you when she
                gets tired of you spending so much time on the computer,
                and not enough time on her.

BUS-            What you ride to work in now, since you sold your car to pay
                for that fancy laser printer.

CACHE-          What you gave the computer saleman who talked you in to
                buying a computer.

CHIPS-          the fattenning, non-notritional food computer users eat to
                avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals

CURSOR-         What you turn in to when you find out your hard disk crashed

DISK-           What goes out in your back from sitting down in a bad
                posture for several hours a day at your computer, or from
                trying to move your laser printer.

ERROR-          What you made the first time you walked into a computer
                store to "just browse"

ESCAPE-         What your wife wishes she could do ever since you got
                a computer and started ignoring her.

EXPANSION UNIT- What you call the new room you have to add on to your
                house to hold your computer and all it's accessories.

EXECUTE-        What your family wants to do to you for buying a computer.

FAT-            What you are becoming from lack of exercise and eating
                junk food all day in front of your computer.

FILE-           What your secretary does to her nails for 7 hours a day,
                now that the computer does her work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY-         The condition a computer user's stomach, due to lack of
                exercise and a diet of junk food

HARDWARE-       tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes, and other power equipment
                that you haven't touched since you got a computer.

IBM-            An acronym whichs means "invest big money"

INTERRUPTS-     What your family does to you every time you sit down at the
                computer to do something important.

MEMORY-         What you start to lose since yours is overloaded
                trying to learn all those new commands.

MEMORY MODEL-   Those GIF pictures of pretty girls you've been looking at
                on your PC.

MENU-           What you'll never see again, because you're too broke to
                eat at a restuarant since you bought a computer.

MIPS-           The male version of PMS

MODEM-          Slang- used to request more, such as "gimme mo'dem thar nuts"

MOTHERBOARD-    What a daughterboard turns in to after you insert a
                male D-connector (or joystick cord) into a female
                D-connector a few times.

NODE-           A verb, meaning "was aware of, as in "I node about it"

PROGRAMS-       Those shows you used to watch on television before you
                connected it to your computer to use a a monitor.

PROCESSOR SPEED-The rate at which your computer falls to the pavement after
                you throw it out your third-floor window. Also see Windows.

RAM-            What you do with your fist to the side of your computer
                when it won't work properly.

RETURN-         What you wish you could do with your computer if the store
                would let you.

SYNTAX-         A new tax the government created to get you when you're
                having fun doing something you shouldn't.

TERMINAL-       A place where you can find buses, trains, and great
                deals on hot computers.

UPGRADE-        What the computer salesman did to his standard of living
                after you walked out of the store with your new
                computer.

WINDOWS-        What you throw your computer out of after it erases a
                program that took you 2 months to write. Also see
                processor speed.



Novelist Sinclair Lewis was to lecture a group of college students who planned 
literary careers.  Lewis opened his talk by saying:

"How many of you really intend to be writers?" All hands went up.

"In that case,"  said Lewis, returning his notes to his pocket, "my advice to 
you is to go home and write."

With that, he left the room.



A college Professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo.  He 
enjoyed looking at the varied wildlife as he wandered through the paths, and 
sat down by the monkeys to rest.  He became very perplexed as he noticed that 
one monkey had a bowl of peanuts, and would pull out a peanut, look at it, 
stuff it up it's bum hole, take it out and eat it.  He watched the monkey do 
this until the entire bowl was empty.  Being rather upset and confused by what 
he had witnessed, he went up to the offices, and asked to speak with the zoo-
keeper.  When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something 
was definitely wrong with one of his monkeys.  After he related what he had 
seen, the keeper gravely nodded his head and said that the monkey he had seen 
was the smartest animal in the zoo.  Totally baffled, the Professor asked him 
how that could be? "Well," said the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a 
whole peach, and it hurt him so bad when the pit came out, that now he checks 
everything before he eats it to make sure it will fit!"



I'm concerned about my son.  All day long he runs around making noise to get 
attention and the only thing he seems to be committed to is recess.  You'd 
think by now he'd be past that stage.  After all, it's his third term in 
Congress.



Your congressman has probably learned that bit of age-old political wisdom: 

"What you don't know won't hurt him.



Congress is the only circus in the world without a balancing act.



I don't know how sincere the new arms proposals are, but I'd much rather work 
toward eliminating nuclear weapons by the year 2000 than eliminating the year 
2000 by nuclear weapons.



Raising the postage rate to 25 cents wasn't very smart in my opinion.

It's just too tempting to call the postal service a twobit operation.



There is a corny story about a little girl in a mountain family who laid her 
head over on her father's ample midriff in a worship service and went to 
sleep. The mother, seeing her daughter cushion her head in this fashion, 
whispered to her husband, "There, Clyde, now you know what it means to be a 
pillar o' the church."



A barber with a bad case of "morning after the night before"  shakes nicked 
the customer he was shaving.  The customer commented, "You see what too much 
liquor will do to you!"

"Yeah,"  replied the barber, "it sure makes your skin tender."




Sam, the barber, seemed a little jumpy and it made his customer nervous.  

"Sam,"  he said, "what happens if you cut a customer?  Does the boss get 
sore?"

"Yes, he does,"  Sam replied.  "He makes us pay a dollar for every cut we give 
a customer but I don't care, I had a good day at the races yesterday."



The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.



Prospective employee: "Just why do you want a married man to work for you 
rather than a bachelor?"

Boss: "The married men don't get so upset if I yell at them."



"I was sorry to hear that your brother passed on,"  one old classmate consoled 
another at a reunion.  "Had he finished his education?"

"No,"  said the other.  "He died a bachelor."



What do you get when you play a country/western record backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, you get your car back, your dog comes home, you 
get your job back...



The Reagans were dining out.  The waitress asked Nancy what she would have and 
she replied, "I'll have the Beef Wellington."

Waitress: "Your drink?"  Nancy: "Iced tea."

Waitress: "And your vegetable?"  Nancy: "Oh, he'll have the same."



Seems their was this guy in Los Vegas for a little fun. A rather sexy looking 
lady walked up to him and gave him a little wink then said "I'll do anything 
you want for $200. He says anything? She looks deep into his eyes and wispers 
in a very suggestive voice "anything".

So he pulls out a wad of cash and peels off two hundred bucks and hands it two 
her. She puts the money in her purse and says OK what would you like me to do. 
He looks deep into her eyes and says "paint my house".



God is telling Adam about his new idea.  "I can make you the best mate anyone 
could ask for.  She will love you.  She'll cook for you, clean for you, take 
care of you, mend your clothes, wash all of your dishes, never get angry, and 
just do everything you command.  All it will take is an arm and a leg."

Adam replies, "I don't know.  That's kind of expensive.  What could I get for 
just a rib?"


How do you ruin a Polish party?

Flush the punch bowl.



What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dicktater.



If God had meant there to be homosexuals,

Wouldn't it have been Adam and Steve!



Did you hear they are building a new AIDS hospital in Atlanta?

They are going to call it sick fags over Georgia.



A man was out fishing early one morning, not having much luck.  He had been 
watching this other fellow on the other bank catch fish one right after 
another.  This went on for some time, until finally the first man walked 
upstream, crossed the river and made his way to the other side.  Then he too 
started to catch fish.  When his stringer was full he walked down to where the 
second fellow was and asked him how he knew which side to fish on.  The man 
replied, "Well, when I wake up I look at my wife.  If she's laying on her 
right side, I fish on the right bank.  If she's laying on her left side, I 
fish on the left bank.

The first man then asked, "What happens if she's laying on her back?"

To which the second man replied "THEN I don't go fishing!"



Pres. Bush, (NY)Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ)Gov. Florio are flying on a plane 
together.  When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his name on two one 
dollar bills and threw them from the plane.  Florio very curious about this 
action asked him why he had done it.  Cuomo responded that he had just won two 
votes.

Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred dollar 
bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.  This caught 
the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this action.  Florio 
explained about just winning two votes.

A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from the plane.  
The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the world he just killed 
two Governors.  The President responded, "Simple, I just won two states."



What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick alikes.



What do they embalm gays with?

Fruit juice



Why did the two queers leave the bar while arguing?

They wanted to exchange blows in the alley.



How can you tell gay intellectuals?

They're blowing each other's minds.



How do homosexuals get that way?

Half are born and half are sucked in.

Jesse James and his criminal band boarded a train in the old west.

"Bang! Bang!' Their guns blasted as they entered the VIP car.

"All right, folks," Jesse ordered, "don't anybody move. I'm going to rob all 
the women and rape all the men."

A nerdy little guy looked up inquisitively at the famous outlaw.  "Excuse me, 
Mr. James," he said, his quivering hands stretched high over his head. "You 
mean, you're going to rob all the men and rape all the women."

"You hush up," say a gay guy on the front row, "and let Mr. Jesse do the 
talking."



This guy goes to apply for a job at a large company.  He hands
the manager his application and resume, and the manager tells
him he needs to check his references and to come back in the
morning.

The manager calls the first reference for the applicant's last employer. "So, 
what kind of employee was Mr. Simms?", he asked.

"Oh he was a GREAT worker!", his old boss proclaimed.  "But when we caught him 
stealing from us, we had to let him go."

He called the second reference. "Oh, he was an OUTSTANDING worker.  He always 
got the job done, but he was constantly showing up late for work, so we had to 
let him go."

The third reference said, "Yea, he worked his ass off, but he was a flaming 
gay, and the other employees felt uncomfortable around him, so we had to let 
him go."

The next day, the eager applicant was sitting in his prospective boss' office 
again.  The boss leaned forward at his desk and said, "Well...I called your 
references and I guess I'll give you a chance here.  But...if I EVER catch you 
taking ONE thing, your ass is outta here!  Also, if you are late more than 
twice in one month, you are outta here!"  The boss leaned way back in his 
chair and smiled.  "Now, come on over here and give me a kiss!"



I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps 'em on the knife!



                             The Stress Diet

BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast (without skin)
1 cup steamed zucchini squash
1 Oreo cookie
Herb tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of package of Oreos
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pither of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer



                           DIET TIPS

1.  If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2.  If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

3.  Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as:
    chocolate, a Brandy toast, or a Sara Lee cheescake.

4.  If you fatten-up everyone around you, then you look thinner.

5.  Movie-related foods (such as Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints,
    and Red Fine's licorice) do not count because they are simply part of the
    entertainment experience and not part of ones personal fuel.

6.  When eating with someone else, calories do not count if you both eat the
    same amount.

7.  Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breakage causes calorie
    leakage.

8.  If you eat something (particularly pie, sausage, gravy and ice cream) from
    another persons plate (particularly if they are your children or other
    family members), there is no calorie gain to you.  All calories are
    ascribed to plate owners.


