
                                             
                                             
                                             
         ͹  ͻ ͻ ͹  ͻ  ͻ
                               ͹      
                                         
                                         
          ͼ ͼ  ͼ   

         Doodah Humor Magazine      Volume 4, Number 4
                                        November, 1991
----------------------------------------------------------------

Editorial Offices:

Charlie Radd, Editor and publisher
Paul Forrester, supervisory editor

plus a staff of K's submitting articles under various aliases
and/or real names.

The editor can be reached through the Politics Conference on the
ILink  network found  on PCBoard.  No guarantee is made that you
will receive  a reply.  We read the  mail, but we may or may not
answer it.
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, May 15, 1989

This is our GAME issue. We're providing you with the source code
to a game similar to the ever-popular BREAKOUT.  This version is
for IBM-PC and compatibles using CGA, but there are modification
routines for those using monochrome monitors or the PCjr.

Simply edit out the code, load it into BASIC, and there you have
it.  A nice diversion  for your computer.  As always, check this
out on another computer using blank disks and NO hard drive.  It
is possible  that someone  changed the  source code  before they
uploaded this file.

Also included is some actual humour, as promised last time.
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------


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Sirs:  As a rabid non-smoker, I was delighted  to read that the
girls pictured  in your  magazine  turn their backs  on smoking
readers, put on long woolen underwear and even reach out of the
page to  extinguish the  deadly weed.  This is  entirely in the
public interest.

But I must object  strongly to  their activities  regarding the
smaller penis!

The girls, I know, delight in  pleasing men.  I am sure they do
not MEAN to be off-putting, but it is a little disheartening to
be masturbating over a sexy spread, and the girl in the picture
suddenly bursts out laughing.

Your model, Penny, is particularly guilty of this. She not only
laughs, she wiggles a limp little finger.  This, to the smaller
man, is very distressing.

I forgive them, they  are so beautiful.  Except  for Stephanie.
I must request  that you discipline  her most  severely.  Is it
good for sales  when a customer, taking his  penis in his hand,
gets shouted at by a photograph in such coarse language?  "What
are you  going to do  with THAT?  Pick your teeth?"  is not the
polite way of addressing a gentleman.

It made me despair.  In fact, I had to consult  a psychiatrist.
He says I shouldn't worry so much about my small penis. He says
Stephanie laughs at him as well.

Mr. H.K.
Woolworth, PA
---------------------------
Sirs:  Your magazine has lost  me the US Open  Championship and
completely ruined my performance at Wimbledon!

My concentration is  entirely gone. I find that, wherever I am,
just thinking about all those cute, wonderful girls  give me a
ridiculously hard erection.  This, when you are running around
in very tight shorts in front of huge crowds and TV cameras is
crippling.

It is also  extremely dangerous!  Recently, while  reaching to
smash a  weak lob, I caught  my erect penis  in the leg  of my
shorts.  Leaning back  to smash, I stretched it  almost to the
snapping point, with the result that when I completed the shot
the spring effect  catapulted me forward.  I did three forward
somersaults to the  net and, unluckily, returned my opponent's
passing shot with my feet. The stupid, cretinous blind bastard
of an umpire immediately gave a penalty point against me.

Then when I told him what a brachycephalic, moronic, shitfaced
son of a blind queer he was, he disqualified me.  And it's all
your fault.

(Name and address withheld by reuest)

Editor's reply:  This is a difficult problem. We find that the
only way  of dealing with  it is to concentrate  on some dull,
tedious, unpleasant scene.  We generally find that thinking of
a tennis match is very successful.

----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
                   - THE GROPES OF WRATH -
                 The Reverend Giles Uttoxeter

"Wommen desyren to have sovereyntee."  Geoffrey Chaucer

The lower sort of person--lawyers, doctors, managers, and such--
make a lot  of damn fuss  about working for  a woman boss.  They
find it degrading  or some such tommy rot, although how any such
people can feel  they can get any lower is a mystery to me.  All
of which is good news for the gentleman who is forced by robbing
politicians into some loathesome "job."

For us, working with  any of the vilgar tradespeople who provide
these "jobs" is  humiliation enough--what matter if you crawl on
your belly to a prick or a cunt?

In fact, it is something  we can deal with most easily using our
sex and snob  appeal.  Are we not, anyway, perpetually  ruled by
women at  home?  Driven to dredge  the moat, oil the portcullis,
and demolsh  the west wing if  we stay at home.  It is, in fact,
not at all unpleasant  for an American Gentleman to become a toy
lord for some tyrannical hussy.

SNOB APPEAL: It is not every gentleman who shares his lordship's
lust for the lash--I can think of at least 10 who do not, and of
these there are a few, myself among them, who aren't socialists!
Even for us  the appeal of working for a woman is great.  For it
is a fact that woman  are great snobs and like a lord.  They are
also well aware  that no gentleman actually works.  So, for her,
a toy lord is far better than the toy polloi!

Confident in being someone we are not planning to undermine her,
upstage her, or, heaven's  forfend, replace her.  We are content
to be there, in perfect  taste with perfect  manners, not in the
least abashed to cut her toenails or place our cloaks across any
puddles as she  walks abroad.  Only the servile  resent service.
And the woman will pay  well for a real gentleman to confide in.
One who is not scratching, cheating and lying his way up a stack
of used  faxes to  "success."  [Success, in  their terms,  means
being able  to afford  all the  accoutrements of  the  gentleman
withoug being one.]

VAGINA REGINA:  There are two types of woman boss.  One (usually
an employee) is always desperately self-conscious about reversed
sexual  roles.  The other  is quite  unconscious about  anything
after lunch.

The first type  is a cinch -- you can usually  get six months of
paternity leave out of her every year until she remarks that all
your children seem  to be born on  Arbor Day.  The other type is
far more fun.

In both cases  they are women who, having  used all their sexual
wiles  to  avoid  the  problems  of  working  for   egotistical,
tyrannical male  bosses are now using  them to become completely
impossible, mono-maniacal  tyrants  themselves.  But of  course,
the Government knows all about controlling tyranny.  We invented
it.

SEX APPEAL: Your own hairy-assed sexuality is the finest defense
against a  woman boss.  She cannot  resist it.  Imagine that you
are in the office getting chewed out.  Perhaps you have sent the
Suddam Hussain  portrait clocks to  Iran by  mistake.  Or the "I
Love South  Africa" bumper  stickers to  Zimbabwe.  Or the Terry
Paper-Waite to anybody at all!

Little mistakes  like that happen  if a gentleman actually tries
to do anything in business. She's screaming at you, reaching the
point of meltdown. What do you do? You straighten your shoulders
and wrinkle  your eyes.  Let your  firm masculine  hand fall  to
your sides. Then you drop your trousers and slap your penis into
her "in" tray.  At once all  the problems of working for a woman
disappear, because you no longer are!

PROPER HANDLING:  You will  find the  female boss is irrational,
irritable, she takes  everything personally, is insufferable and
impossible to work with (this last being a boon to the gentleman
--you).

The important thing, when handling  a woman boss is never to put
these characteristics down  to feminine logic, female intuition,
or "time of the month."  Put it down to sheer bloody-mindedness!
This is all it is, so why look for excuses?

When she goes beyond the bounds of decent behaviour, simply tell
her, "Ma'am, you are the most tyrannical, bad-tempered, mean and
bloody-minded  toe-rag that I  have ever worked  for."  She will
love that. Probably kiss you for it. It means she has made it as
a boss.  Just  don't  lay it  on too  thick  or you  might get a
promotion.

MEAN WILE: The woman boss will use any dirty trick to get things
her own way.  Here are a few to look out for:

   Little Girl Lost:  When she has a particularly rancid hunk of
     unrewarding work  to pass over  to some mug, she  will look
     overwhelmed, confused, and  flustered.  She will try almost
     everything to arouse your  protective instinct.  (By making
     you protective, she hopes you will become one of her Mates)

     The Gentleman's  only protective  instinct is  to fill  the
     things with water and throw them at the servants, so it all
     goes over  our heads.  But if you  find her getting to you,
     simply swallow your pride, act like a middle-class husband.
     Take over, organize, and patronize.

     The purpose of the little  girl lost ploy is to shift crap,
     not to  lose prestige.  Twenty  seconds of her  patronizing
     will restore little girl lost to blistering, all-conquering
     tyrant, and probably persuade her to take some of your work
     off you as  well--something anyone  but a  Gentleman  would
     feel insulting.

   Fancy Me?  When the tyrant  starts to give you that look, and
     crosses and recrosses her legs, licks  her lips, pushes her
     nipples at you, and generally  behaves like the girl in the
     anti-AIDS campaign, one thing  is certain.  She is planning
     something devious.

     Before she dumps it on you, it is essential  that you break
     the sexual spell.  Now's the time  to ask for the afternoon
     off to visit the Free Clinic, I think.

   Crawl Worm:  The  conscious  female  boss  may enjoy  using a
     Gentleman just as she was used as  a secretary.  Making him
     bring her coffee, get her phone calls, and select a present
     for her husband's  birthday.  The Gentleman, of  course, is
     above feeling  ill-used and  will reflect  that there is no
     easier way to make a living than by  acting like the status
     symbol to some blockhead who  has no use for a secretary at
     all.

     In some  cases, though, it gets  too much.  One cannot, for
     example, continue to work for  someone who drinks Earl Gray
     or any such vulgar, scented tea.

SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:  There are  simple solutions  to most of the
problems your bulging gusset may give rise to.

   Lap Dog:  If she bothers you to sit on her lap for dictation,
     despite your keeping 200 keys and  a Swiss Army penknife in
     your back pocket, you should fart wetly each time.

     It has been held  (Cardamon vs. Shemale) that  no man is in
     control of anal eructions  and dismissal on  the grounds of
     "impertinence" is  unfair.  Cardamon received  compensation
     of  3000 dollars  following this  judgement of  Mr. Justice
     Nosoda who knows, none better, that a gentleman may fart at
     will.

   Gropes of Wrath:  The best cure for roaming hands that always
     find their way to your crotch is to hold the hand there and
     vigorously pump the hips, faking a very noisy orgasm.  Very
     effective in a restaurant or business meeting.

   Business in Hand: Having a female hand thrust down inside the
     shorts is distracting to a Gentleman. A gentle rebuff is to
     soak the drawers in red ink.  Sweat and grope will give all
     the appearances of  a rash (akin to the Poona Krutt) on the
     hand.

     For more annoying  cases, keep a false penis there.  If you
     wait until she  has her hand  around it and  then fall from
     her lap, it will appear to come off in her hand.

     Very effective.  But do not follow the example of the Rajah
     of Kumquat.  His Highness used a real penis bought from the
     mortuary, and the wretched woman went stark mad. It was, of
     course, her  husband's cock, but it  is not clear  that she
     knew this at the time.

   Last Rites:  There will come  a time when your boss drags you
     on to  the floor, bares her  parts and  forces you  to make
     wild passionate love to her.

     In such cases  all you can do  is enjoy it.  For nothing is
     more certain than that a boss who does not mind getting you
     into the sack has already sacked you in her mind.

----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
This is REBOUND.  Make a copy of Doodah, and edit out all of the
text.  You will have  the following BASIC program left.  Load it
into BASIC and run it.  You will end up with REBOUND.EXE, a nice
BREAKOUT-type game.  When you run this, it will take about 20 or
30 seconds to make the file REBOUND.EXE, the executable file.

INSTRUCTIONS:

To bounce the ball, move the paddle back and forth using the two
shift keys.  The paddle  can't always move as fast  as the ball,
so you'll  have to anticipate.  If you  miss a ball, another one
starts falling.  You get a  total of eight balls before the game
ends.  If you  succeed in knocking  out all the bricks, the game
resets.

There are five rows of bricks.  Bricks on the lowest row are one
point each, bricks on the second-lowest level are two point, and
so on.  You can freeze  play at any time by pressing the <SPACE>
bar.  Press any other  key to resume play.  The <ESC> key resets
a game in progress.  To exit  the game, press  <CTRL><BREAK> or,
on the PCjr, <FN><BREAK>.

----------------------------------------

The first listing  is the basic game.  Following that  are lines
for modifications for the other machines.  Add them in where you
need them.

10 ON ERROR GOTO 70
20 OPEN "O",1,"REBOUND.EXE"
30 READ A:IF A<0 THEN 50
40 PRINT #1,CHR$(A);:GOTO 30
50 FOR I=1 TO -1*A:PRINT #1,CHR$(0);:NEXT
60 GOTO 30
70 IF ERR<>4 THEN ON ERROR GOTO 0
80 CLOSE 1:END
100 DATA 77,90,32,1,4,0,1,0
110 DATA 32,-3,255,255,74,0,128,0
120 DATA 208,144,-4,32,-3,205,11,-2
130 DATA 6,-479,30,184,-2,80,184,59
140 DATA 0,142,216,142,192,176,3,180
150 DATA 0,205,16,185,-2,182,24,178
160 DATA 79,176,0,183,7,180,6,205
170 DATA 16,181,32,180,1,205,16,182
180 DATA 3,178,3,183,0,232,107,3
190 DATA 176,218,179,15,232,107,3,178
200 DATA 4,232,95,3,176,196,185,72
210 DATA 0,232,97,3,178,76,232,82
220 DATA 3,176,191,232,84,3,182,4
230 DATA 178,3,232,70,3,176,179,232
240 DATA 72,3,178,76,232,60,3,176
250 DATA 179,232,62,3,254,198,128,254
260 DATA 24,114,229,178,4,182,1,190
270 DATA 199,0,232,223,2,198,6,45
280 DATA 0,56,191,3,0,198,133,94
290 DATA 0,48,79,117,248,190,26,0
300 DATA 232,179,2,198,6,10,0,92
310 DATA 198,6,6,0,128,198,6,8
320 DATA -2,191,5,0,182,5,178,4
330 DATA 183,0,190,182,0,247,199,1
340 DATA 0,117,3,190,189,0,185,9
350 DATA 0,232,159,2,226,251,232,113
360 DATA 2,79,117,224,128,62,11,-2
370 DATA 117,18,198,6,11,0,1,232
380 DATA 166,2,128,62,12,0,1,117
390 DATA 3,233,106,1,254,14,45,0
400 DATA 128,62,45,0,48,115,3,233
410 DATA 145,1,190,26,0,232,84,2
420 DATA 182,24,178,0,190,225,0,232
430 DATA 96,2,198,6,9,0,35,180
440 DATA 0,205,26,139,194,37,255,15
450 DATA 178,20,246,242,128,196,4,246
460 DATA 196,1,116,3,128,196,52,138
470 DATA 212,182,11,137,22,-2,198,6
480 DATA 4,0,2,128,252,39,119,5
490 DATA 198,6,4,0,3,180,2,205
500 DATA 22,36,3,116,25,60,3,116
510 DATA 21,60,1,116,2,176,255,2
520 DATA 6,9,0,60,2,124,7,60
530 DATA 68,127,3,162,9,0,232,46
540 DATA 1,160,6,0,44,127,177,10
550 DATA 246,225,247,216,5,160,15,139
560 DATA 200,226,254,160,5,0,2,6
570 DATA 6,0,162,5,0,114,3,233
580 DATA 173,0,139,22,-2,160,4,0
590 DATA 36,1,208,224,44,1,2,208
600 DATA 160,4,0,36,2,44,1,128
610 DATA 54,7,0,1,117,2,176,0
620 DATA 2,240,128,254,24,119,39,183
630 DATA 0,232,3,2,180,8,205,16
640 DATA 60,32,116,88,191,13,0,185
650 DATA 4,0,252,242,174,117,41,232
660 DATA 247,0,128,54,4,0,2,198
670 DATA 6,7,-2,235,179,139,22,2
680 DATA 0,232,213,0,139,22,-2,232
690 DATA 206,0,232,175,0,180,14,176
700 DATA 7,205,16,233,2,255,191,17
710 DATA 0,185,3,0,242,174,117,5
720 DATA 128,54,4,0,1,191,20,0
730 DATA 185,6,0,242,174,116,3,233
740 DATA 125,255,128,54,4,0,2,233
750 DATA 117,255,128,54,8,0,1,117
760 DATA 19,82,139,22,2,0,232,143
770 DATA 0,90,232,124,0,137,22,-2
780 DATA 235,9,144,135,22,-2,137,22
790 DATA 2,0,180,1,205,22,116,39
800 DATA 180,0,205,22,128,252,1,117
810 DATA 8,198,6,11,-2,233,219,253
820 DATA 60,32,117,7,180,0,205,22
830 DATA 235,12,144,10,196,117,7,176
840 DATA 3,180,0,205,16,203,128,62
850 DATA 10,-2,116,3,233,215,254,190
860 DATA 99,0,232,231,0,139,22,2
870 DATA 0,232,56,0,139,22,-2,232
880 DATA 49,0,232,18,0,232,7,1
890 DATA 128,62,12,0,1,116,206,233
900 DATA 151,253,190,128,0,235,218,182
910 DATA 24,138,22,9,0,190,209,0
920 DATA 232,206,0,195,82,183,0,232
930 DATA 14,1,176,9,179,3,232,14
940 DATA 1,90,195,82,183,0,232,255
950 DATA 0,176,32,179,7,232,255,0
960 DATA 90,195,254,14,10,0,83,81
970 DATA 82,86,138,254,128,238,6,128
980 DATA 230,1,208,230,128,234,4,42
990 DATA 214,128,226,252,2,214,185,4
1000 DATA 0,121,5,178,0,185,2,0
1010 DATA 128,194,4,138,247,128,250,74
1020 DATA 114,3,185,2,0,183,0,232
1030 DATA 190,0,176,32,179,7,232,193
1040 DATA 0,183,11,42,254,2,62,97
1050 DATA 0,136,62,97,0,183,58,190
1060 DATA 2,0,58,188,95,0,119,18
1070 DATA 138,156,95,0,128,235,10,136
1080 DATA 156,95,0,254,132,94,0,78
1090 DATA 117,232,190,26,0,232,43,0
1100 DATA 128,238,6,177,5,210,230,246
1110 DATA 214,58,54,6,0,114,4,136
1120 DATA 54,6,0,94,90,89,91,195
1130 DATA 82,176,1,181,5,177,4,182
1140 DATA 23,178,75,183,7,180,7,205
1150 DATA 16,90,195,83,173,139,208,183
1160 DATA 0,232,84,0,172,60,0,116
1170 DATA 6,180,14,205,16,235,245,91
1180 DATA 195,81,86,183,0,232,64,0
1190 DATA 172,60,0,116,15,138,200,181
1200 DATA 0,172,138,216,172,232,58,0
1210 DATA 2,209,235,233,94,89,195,232
1220 DATA 19,0,190,161,0,232,195,255
1230 DATA 180,0,205,22,10,196,116,18
1240 DATA 128,252,28,117,243,139,22,161
1250 DATA 0,178,4,190,229,0,232,192
1260 DATA 255,195,198,6,12,0,1,195
1270 DATA 80,180,2,205,16,88,195,185
1280 DATA 1,0,180,9,205,16,195,-19
1290 DATA 219,219,219,219,179,218,191,196
1300 DATA 205,218,191,213,184,4,1,66
1310 DATA 97,108,108,115,32,114,101,109
1320 DATA 97,105,110,105,110,103,58,32
1330 DATA 0,32,32,32,32,32,32,32
1340 DATA 32,32,32,32,32,82,32,69
1350 DATA 32,66,32,79,32,85,32,78
1360 DATA 32,68,32,32,32,32,32,32
1370 DATA 32,32,32,32,32,32,32,32
1380 DATA 32,32,32,83,99,111,114,101
1390 DATA 58,32,-4,27,2,67,111,110
1400 DATA 103,114,97,116,117,108,97,116
1410 DATA 105,111,110,115,33,32,32,89
1420 DATA 111,117,32,119,105,110,33,0
1430 DATA 25,2,84,114,105,117,109,112
1440 DATA 104,33,32,32,78,111,116,104
1450 DATA 105,110,103,32,99,97,110,32
1460 DATA 115,116,111,112,32,109,101,33
1470 DATA 0,31,16,72,105,116,32,69
1480 DATA 110,116,101,114,32,116,111,32
1490 DATA 66,101,103,105,110,0,4,1
1500 DATA 219,4,2,219,0,2,4,219
1510 DATA 4,6,219,2,4,219,0,20
1520 DATA 12,32,24,15,32,26,12,32
1530 DATA 0,1,9,32,1,9,213,6
1540 DATA 9,205,1,9,184,1,9,32
1550 DATA 0,79,9,32,0,72,7,32
1560 DATA -8,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1570 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1580 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1590 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1600 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1610 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1620 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1630 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1640 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1650 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1660 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1670 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1680 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1690 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1700 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1710 DATA 32,83,84,65,67,75,32,32
1720 DATA 32

Modifications for Monochrome PC
1290 DATA 176,177,178,219,179,218,191,196
1490 DATA 66,101,103,105,110,0,4,15
1500 DATA 176,4,7,177,0,2,15,178
1510 DATA 4,7,219,2,15,178,0,20
1520 DATA 7,32,24,15,32,26,7,32
1530 DATA 0,1,7,32,1,7,213,6
1540 DATA 7,205,1,7,184,1,7,32
1550 DATA 0,79,7,32,0,72,7,32

Modifications for PCjr
540 DATA 1,160,6,0,44,127,177,6
550 DATA 246,225,247,216,5,206,9,139

----------------------------------------------------------------
Coming in the December Doodah:

We simply don't know.  We had to  really scrape to get stuff for
this issue.  We've got tons and tons of submitted text files and
such, but we're  trying to provide  somewhat of a variety rather
than 25 articles  harping on the people at SEA.  There is plenty
of stuff to print and we're sure you'll get a kick out of coming
issues of Doodah.  Maybe we'll have naked ladies.
<*** End of File ***>
