
================
  From "The Tonight Show Staring Johnny Carson" on Wednesday, 
 Sept.  11, 1991.
  (C) 1991 Carson Productions, Inc.

  A tribute from Johnny Carson to all the Soviet republics seeking 
 freedom
  ("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing softly in the 
 background).

  "What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson

  To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the 
 fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.   Democracy 
 means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who 
 doesn't grow up can be vice president.
  Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a 
 single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from 
 people of all races, colors, and creeds.   Democracy is having time 
 set aside to worship -- 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.
  Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you 
 don't have to impress people you wish were dead.  And, unlike 
 communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective 
 political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
  Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two 
 consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three 
 or more consenting adults.  But I digress.  Democracy is welcoming 
 people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- 
 usually a mop or a leaf blower.
  It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, 
 anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
  Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, 
 Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.   Democracy means our elected 
 officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to 
 the big butts of campaign contributors.
  Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, 
 and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting 
 what they deserve.   Democracy means never having the Secret 
 Police show up at your door.   Of course, it also means never having 
 the cable guy show up at your door.   It's a tradeoff.   Democracy 
 means free television, not good television, but free.
  Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a 
 minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two 
 minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
  Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god 
 knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us.  It 
 means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any 
 rural stop sign you want.
  And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, 
 with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, 
 and 13 stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man 
 came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for 
 the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American 
 eagle.
  I thank you.
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