
S U B L I M E   S L I M E
The SLUG TALES Insider Newsletter

                     "Dead Dogs Chase No Tails"
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Vol. 13, #2       Special "Watch This Space" Issue          March 1991
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Operation Desert Doodoo Wrap-up:

" S o   T H A T ' S   W h a t   O u r   O a t s   F e e l   L i k e "

    (Bothell, WA, NNS)  According to CIA reports, Saddam Hussein has
finally kicked his CNN habit.  Insiders say that Saddam now constantly
scans the channels on the satellite dish looking for the Sally
Struthers commercial for ICS.  You know the commercial: "Would you
like to earn more money?" Sally asks rhetorically.  Saddam now fully
understands the emotional sub-text of the ads, if nothing else.  The
actress was once the star of the top-rated television program, but
today she's reduced to hawking correspondence school scams on cable
after midnight.  Saddam connects: this is a woman he can understand.
Aides report that Saddam is tortured, unable to decide between
correspondence courses in VCR repair, computers, or gun repair.

     The chief topics of speculation in the international community
are the odds for Saddam's survival in office and  his possible
replacements.  Many have remarked that no active opposition exists in
Iraq as Saddam has ruthlessly eliminated his political opponents.  A
more likely scenario would mirror that seen in Iran, when the exiled
Ayatollah came from abroad and replaced the Shah.  Still, any
potential ruler of Iraq must combine a very particular set of personal
characteristics to rule a land used to the cruel and brutal discipline
of Saddam.  Middle East experts interviewed by SUBLIME SLIME suggest
that the two most likely candidates to replace Saddam are former
Oakland Raider's football coach John Madden and unemployed television
personality Morton Downey Jr.  Prof. Al B. Goen of North Seattle
Community College sees Madden as having the inside track, "He's mean,
he's loud, for sure -- but he's also got that John Goodman "just
joshin'" sort of look that the American public has found irresistible.
I think he's just what the Iraqis are looking for right now."

     At home, President Bush basks in the sweet light of an 87%
approval rating.  Democrats shudder at the thought of 1992 -- word is
that the Democratic National Committee may finally be ready to
nominate Jesse Jackson -- or maybe Dukakis, McGovern, or Carter.
Sensing that a run against Bush might be futile, Democratic insiders
are planning to cash in all its alleged debts to special interest
groups.  Plans are in the works for a bionic gay female dolphin as a
running mate for Jackson.  Questions were raised by some whether a
dolphin could actually serve as Vice President, but this was research
was abandoned when everybody admitted they'd just concede the election
even if they happened to win.

     The Bush Cabinet is reportedly stepping up the intensity of its
search for other likely venues for military action should the economy
continue to head for the dumper.  According to Secretary of State
Baker, "We've done the Grenada thing in the Caribbean, last year was
our Central America campaign in Panama, we've covered the Middle East
with this Iraq thing... tropical island, jungle, desert.  Somebody,
anybody -- get me the dirt on Greenland!"

     If Saddam was the battlefield loser, it increasingly looks as
though Japan may be the political victim.  Outrage runs the U.S.
Congress as the Japanese government bows to domestic political
pressure against military aid.  After much confusion, Japan announces
that its pledged $ 9 billion in aid will not underwrite the Coalition
military campaign, but will instead be restricted to the purchase of
VCR's and pachinko machines as a part of the effort to rebuild Kuwait.

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S & L Scandal Follow Up:

S E N A T E   E T H I C S   C O M M I T T E E   D I S P E N S E S
W I T H   T H E   K E A T I N G   F I V E

    (Washington, DC, NNS) Terming them, "Among the finest legislators
that money can buy," the Senate Ethics Committee cleared from further
disciplinary action four of the so-called Keating Five.  In the hallowed
tradition of kicking a dead dog when he's down, the Ethics Committee
recommended mounting a formal investigating into the conduct of Alan
Cranston -- the only member of the Keating Five who has cancer and has
already announced that he won't be seeking re-election.

    The Ethics Committee, which had worked for a year on the
investigation, had to answer some pretty thorny ethical questions.
Consider just one example:

    -- If you took large cash contributions from an out-of-state
       S&L bandit and then interceded on his part against bank
       regulators worried that said bandit's S&L was going belly
       up and could cost the taxpayers billions: would that be wrong?
       What if you REALLY, REALLY liked him?  What if you didn't
       twist the bank regulator's arm THAT bad?  Hey, who really
       likes those government bureaucrats, anyway?  What if the
       S&L guy told you that he was going to donate that S&L
       money to Jerry's Kids?  What if his campaign contribution
       meant that you got re-elected and voted for stuff like food
       for poor people and getting rid of air pollution?  If you
       did all that, it wouldn't be SO wrong really, would it?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
E n t e r t a i n m e n t   N O W   ! ! !
Hans Lucas

     When last we tuned to PBS (the Pledge Break Station), the network
was dumping featured handyman Bob Villa from the long-running "This
Old House."  Apparently, Mr. Villa had developed a certain amount of
credibility from the series and was in the process of selling it to
the highest bidder in the form of commercial endorsements, etc.  This
didn't sit well with the PBS brass, so they figured they'd just dump
Villa and switch hosts.  (Yeah! Teach him a lesson -- just like the
one they taught Siskel and Ebert a few years back....)

     Well, you know what they say about The Best Laid Plans.  The new
host for "This Old House" was tepid, garnering both bad reviews and
eroding ratings for the long-running series.  Also, Mr. Villa found
the Real World a little rougher than he'd reckoned, and at last report
he hadn't even managed to wrestle Ace Hardware's The Helpful Hardware
Man gig away from Joey Heatherton.  In a rational world, one might
expect that both parties would see the error of their ways and the
Prodigal Handyman would stage a triumphant return.  But we're not
talking about a Rational World: we're talkin' TV.

     The network executives, faced with a video disaster in-the-
making, did what network executives always do: look for any possible
explanation other than the obvious one to explain the situation.
Forget Bob Villa: roll out the consultants, convene the focus groups,
and rework the whole show.  And now the whole sordid episode has
concluded and PBS has unveiled the results of its efforts.

     The new program -- "This DAMN Old House" -- will premiere next
week on PBS stations.  The change in title is a reflection of the
results of audience research which uncovered a change in the potential
audience for the program in the 1990's.  The era of Yuppie
Gentrification of the 1980's is over.  Today, fewer and fewer American
are able to afford to buy a house, much less fix it up.

    "This DAMN Old House," and its new host English rock star Billy
Idol, reflect this change.  The show is now focused on renters and
their eternal quest for quick fixes for household problems which won't
cause the landlord to raise the rent.  According to the PBS press
release, "'This DAMN Old House' updates the concept from the 1980's
Pride (of home ownership) to the 1990's Snide."

    In the series opener, Mr. Idol confronts a "friggin', bleedin'
leakin' drain pipe."  Possessing neither a pipe wrench or the will to
go to a hardware store, Mr. Idol improvises the type of Quick Fix that
the producers promise will become the series' signature.  Mr. Idol
quickly gathers the primary tools available to any renter: aluminum
foil, Krazy Glue, and duct tape.  Deftly, a thin coating of Krazy Glue
is applied to the foil, which is in turn attached to the leaky sink
trap pipe.  "Let's do this right," Mr. Idol counsels viewers as he
then applies a second layer of Krazy Glue covered aluminum foil before
sealing the entire job with three layers of duct tape.  The show
closes with Mr. Idol renting a video and buying beer and pizza with
the money, "the landlord woulda pissed away on a plumber."

     PBS is gambling big on its revised program, with a cross-
promotional contest on MTV which promises viewer the chance to have
Mr. visit their rental property and share his extensive knowledge of
gerry-rigged home repairs.  Network executives minimize the
possibility of viewer backlash from fans of the old series since,
"nobody's watched it for 18 months, anyway," according to one PBS
staffer.
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MORALITY ALERT:  For years right-wing zealots complained about the
lack of morality evidenced by MTV.  They took some solace, perhaps, in
MTV's rejection of the tawdry video for Madonna's "Justify My Love".
MTV's finely tuned sense of morality has once again been demonstrated.
The proof of this is the DiVynel's new video in heavy rotation on MTV.
The clip, unself-consciously titled, "I Touch Myself", portrays the
group's female singer and a pair of models in their underwear
acting out the song's catchy chorus, "I don't care / about anybody
else / when I think about you / I touch myself."  The public must
marvel at the precision of the MTV censors -- lesser minds might
easily have been unable to distinguish the fine line of moral
turpitude that separates "I Touch Myself" from "Justify My Love."

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SPORTS ILLUSTRATED ALERT:  Well, SI got the message and they stopped
offering those bogus shoe and football phones as subscription come-ons.
A big "Good Job" goes out to all readers who phoned SI to ask why you
can't kick the football phone with the shoe phone (because they aren't
CELLULAR football phones, of course!)  But I'm sad to report that SI is
up to its old tricks again.  This time it's video celebrating the
"career" of Mohammad Ali.  At one point in the commercial a guy says,
"You just can't walk away from this video without being a Mohammad Ali
fan."   Wrong-o again, SI.  If you've seen Ali lately, this guy has more
in common with SI's shoe phone than anybody you're remotely likely to
admire.  Hey, pro-boxing is about as much of a "sport" as shooting Scuds
with Patriot missiles.  And Ali isn't exactly poster child that's going
to convince most parents to ask their kids to drop out of that MBA
program for a "career" in pro-boxing.  Sorry SI.

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F1   -   T h e   K e y   T o    C o m p u t e r   H e l p

Jack Qwerty

Dear Jack:
I've been hearing a lot lately about computers which will use pens
instead of keyboards.  Is this for real -- and if so, who will use these
computers?  - Huntin' and Peckin' in Poulsbo

Dear Pecker:
    Fads in computing come and go faster than your typical 18 year old boy
(and that, my friend, is really saying something!)  The reason for this,
of course, is that there are people like me whose very livelihood
depends on writing columns like this month after month. And why do I
write this column every month: because you read it.  I wouldn't write a
column if nobody read it --  and you surely couldn't read this column if
I didn't write it!  So, I'm sure you realize now that a lot rides on
their being a steady and predictable supply of fads in the computer
press.  But...er, what was that question you asked.... oh, yes: the new
wave of slate-like computers that you pen-based operating systems.
    You know that pen-based computers are going to be hot, if only
because Microsoft stole the idea.  If Wordstar stole the idea, you could
write it off -- but Microsoft, no way!  (If Apple stole the idea, you'd
know that it was a good idea -- but that you'll never be able to afford it.)
Last year Go Development showed off their prototype pen-based interface to
Micrsoft's Bill Gates.  So this year Microsoft announced that IT would make
pen-based computing a part of Windows just a few days before Go Development
unveiled its (incompatible) system to the public.  It is a fair
assumption that Bill Gates will be getting one less Christmas card this
year.
     Of course, this leaves one question unanswered: what the hell good
is a pen-based computer?  I mean, it may be just me, but in my part of
the universe the invention of typewriters and keyboards was considered a
technological ADVANCE over pen and ink.  But maybe pen WITHOUT ink is a
different matter altogether.  I just don't know.
     Chances are that pen-based computers will be primarily useful for
those who currently don't use computers.  Just as with pen and ink,
keyboards are much more convenient for word processing or serious
number-crunching.  So, pen-based computing will largely be a matter of
salesmen checking items off an inventory list or -- maybe --
proof-reading documents prepared on someone's keyboard previously.  Not
exactly the vision of a Power User.
     Of course, it would be natural to think that the pen-based
computers could be used by artists for graphics work or desktop
publishing.  Natural, maybe -- but probably dead wrong.  Pen-based
computing will come into being on portable notebook-style computers.
And while there are a few color laptops available, they'll cost you an
arm and a leg -- and a second mortage on your house.
     The real fate of pen-based computing will be determined by the same
factor that drives nearly every computer innovation.  Namely, can you
play a game on it?  And this may prove to be the compelling reason to go
for pen-based computing.  What could be more natural for game play than
actually touching a pen to the screen to play?  This sucker will beat a
mouse or a joystick hands down.  We're talking The Next Big Thing.  No
kidding.

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SUBLIME SLIME is produced on an irregular basis at the Rancho McHrab
Satire Preserve in Beautiful Bothell, Washington.  SUBLIME SLIME is a
satirical publication, so any resemblence to people living or dead is
strictly their fault.   This publication may be copied and distributed
freely, so long as it is not altered.
          
                    (c) 1991 - Steve McCallister

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