ISO Sets New Substandard for Large Rectangular Objects

By Dr. Gizmo

Copyright (C) 1994, The Syracuse Newspapers

(Permission to reprint is hereby granted as long as this document
is not altered in any way.)


For a decade I have been reporting each year on April 1st on the
activities of the International Substandards Organization, known
to many as the ISO. This year's meeting took on a new urgency,
since it was held not in the usual location in Geneva but at
Redmond, Wash.

As you may know, Redmond, a suburb of Seattle, is the home of
Microsoft. The ISO was asked to convene there after Bill Gates,
chairman and co-founder of Microsoft, threatened to pull his
company out of the ISO in a dispute over a trademark.

Gates became upset when he saw a commercial on TV for Andersen
Windows. Andersen, a Wisconsin manufacturer of doors and
windows, had advertised its new bay windows as being "hardware
compatible" with existing PCs -- which the ad cleverly pointed
out meant "popular condominiums."

Gates was on the line to his lawyer before he could hear that
part of the ad.

`They can't do that!" Gates said. "The Windows and PC
trademarks belong to us!"

`But what can we do about it now?" the lawyer said.

"Buy!" Gates replied.

And so the lawyer set up an appointment with the head of
Andersen Windows, and Gates flew off to Wisconsin. He was
expecting a hostile reception -- after all, he wasn't sure if
Andersen Windows was even for sale -- and yet when he got to the
snowy Midwest he was greeted warmly.

"Which model would you like to buy?" the Andersen president
asked as he showed off his line to the head of Microsoft.

"The factory model," Gates said in jest, not realizing his
counterpart from Andersen had misunderstood.

"We have a lot of factory models," he was told.

"I mean the factory model this building is standing on," Gates
said, losing patience.

The man from Andersen paused.

"Oh," he said. And then again: "Oh."

"Well?" Gates asked.

"Sorry," the Andersen president said. "We're not for sale."

Gates flew off and had his lawyer call the ISO as soon as he got
back to Redmond.

"There's something substandard about this," the lawyer said.
"We think you should get involved."

And so the International Substandard Organization called its
members to a session in Redmond. The sole topic: Windows, PCs
and trademarks.

"It's a pane," said a representative of IBM.

"It won't wash," said the head of Compaq.

"Curtains!" said a man from WordPerfect.

"Let's have a vote!" the members cried out, and one by one the
roll was called. No one dissented.

And so the ISO approved Rule 63, Subsection 4 of its
international licensing code. Starting April 1, no devices
bearing the names "Windows" or "PC" can be marketed in the
United States, Benelux or British Columbia without the explicit
approval of Microsoft. Generic names must be used instead. The
prohibition even applies to journalists writing about such
items.

Andersen, of course, refused to stop producing its in-wall
transparent devices, but it has given up on the name for the
large rectangular objects. In accordance with the new ISO
directive, it also changed its corporate name. It's now
Andersen OS/2.

That's my report on the ISO for this year. Please do not ask me
for more information, as I have told you more than I know
already.

(Dr. Gizmo writes his columns on Al Fasoldt's Atari TT.)