Subj: Star Trek parody Prerequisites: any 4 ST:TNG episodes and the followling ST:TOS episodes: Mirror, Mirror Obsession Operation -- Annihilate! The Man Trap The Doomsday Machine The Immunity Syndrome The Savage Curtain The Return of the Archons Miri This Side of Paradise Charlie X ...and too many others to mention. In case you missed last week's episode, here's the synopsis for "The Savage Curtain, II"; While orbiting the planet Excalbia, the Enterprise is confronted by a giant figure of Jerry Lewis in space. Since all frenchmen revere Lewis, Picard beams Lewis aboard. Picard gives Lewis a tour of the ship with zany results (Jerry shuts down engines, separates the saucer, and gets his head stuck in Troi's cleavage). Then Picard and Riker transport down to the surface with Lewis where they meet Riker's favorite, David Letterman, as well as the Three Stooges and John Candy in a giant bakery filled with pies. They learn that they are subjects of an experiment by rocklike aliens who wish to understand the human concept of "slapstick humor". After an intense pie fight, Letterman persuades the rock creature to do "Stupid Alien Tricks" and the creatures are so humilated that they release Picard and Riker, though they hit the Enterprise with the gigantic cream pie as a final parting shot. ______________________________________________________________________________ Prologue: Picard: Captain's Log, Supplemental. We are heading through an extremely dangerous region of space to pick up needed medicines from the planet Dominos II.Our mission is routine, but I can't shake an ominous feeling. Wesley: Jean-Luc, sir, I've modified our sensors again and I've found three strange objects approaching us. And there are some unusual sensor readings on the surface. Picard: Shut up Wesley! I need to expand the limits of my character and you've interrupted what was going to be a haunting classic monologue. Yar: Why didn't I just say that? I never get to say anything. Piacrd: Lt. Yar? I thought you were dead. Yar: I got a new contract. That episode was just a dream. [Wesley stalks off to the torbolift; turbolift door closes as we switch scenes to the transporter room as Wesley is tinkering with the controls. He mutters, "This'll show them" and walks to the transport pad. We get a flash of the effect from "Mirror, Mirror" to show Wesley is transporting to alternate universe; upon arrival, we see a gosh-wow expression on his face as he dashes out of transporter room. Quickly cut to original universe, where alternate Wesley materializes; instead of a sweater, he's wearing a black leather jacket and has scraggly tufts of facial hair. With a evil smirk, he slinks out of the transporter room. Now return to clean-cut Wesley bursting into sick-bay, where alternative Picard and Crusher are humping furiously.] Wesley: Mom, I didn't know you had stretch marks! Crusher: [uunnhhh] OK, Jean-Luc, [oooh] space the kid. Picard: [reaches to touch communicator on his shirt on the floor] Security, Ensign Crusher will be visiting the Agony Booth. Wesley: The Agony Booth? What's that, is it fun? [A topless Yar bursts in, grabs Wesley, and drags him away to the Agony Booth; Picard and Crusher exchange a "well, that's that" glance and proceed to go at it again.] [Dramatic music, cut to opening sequence and commerial.] [Episode name: Where Everyone Has Gone Before] ~~~~~ ACT I ~~~~~ Riker: Well, Captain, should I just sit here and grin some more? Picard: Hmm... should you? [he looks out at the bridge crew for suggestions] Data: We've started receiving a distress signal from the planet. Perhaps the Away Team should beam down. Picard: Excellent suggestion. Make it so! [Troi, Riker, Yar and Worf exit] LaForge: Captain, a ship approaching us. Data: A Ferengi ship. They are hailing us. [Cut to viewscreen; Mark Lenard appears in badly botched Ferengi make-up] Lenard: Captain Picard, I have an offer to...to...aagh, I'm so embarrassed...I...I've been a Vulcan, a Romulan, and a Klingon, now look at me! Picard: Stop whimpering, man, and say your lines! Lenard: Yes, you're right. [clears throat; left ear falls off] I have information to sell you, Captain. Information about a great danger. Capt... [fzzt! screen gies blank] LaForge: The Ferengi ship, it's...vanished! I'd better go look out the observation port to see what's happened. Picard: Data, have the Away Team beam up at once! We must have a staff meeting. Crusher: [from sick bay] [Picard stares up at ceiling as if wondering where the voice is coming from] [Scene change to a disheveled room...it might be an ordinary storage area were it not for scattered debris and bodies littering the floor. We see the Away Team materialize.] Riker: Readings, Yar. Yar: One other human life form in vicinity. All others are dead. Troi: I sense evil! Great evil! Worf: Do you smell something? Something sweet? A strange sickly sweetness... Troi: I sense something soft and doughy. It has little round balls of cooked flesh on it with processed dairy products. I sense garlic and mushrooms and...and...anchovies...oh, the pain! Yar: What do you make of that, sir? [points to a pile of take-out pizza cartons labelled "Medicinal Use Only"] Riker: I don't know. [opens up two cartons] it is called pizza. Yar: What's this one with the nails and broken glass in it? Worf: Klingon pizza!! Yum! [snarfs down the whole pizza] [Ragged man bursts into room; he is wild-eyed and unshaven.] Decker: Run Away! Run Away! It'll kill you all! Be gone before it's too late! [flecks of spittle fly across the room] Riker: Deanna, that's an old aquaintence of mine from the Academy...Matt Decker, III. He was expelled for overacting. Deanna...Deanna? Troi: Oooh, the pain, the pain. Such unbearable acting. Riker: Matt, what's happened? Where are the rest of your people? Decker: On the third planet. Riker: There is no third planet. Decker: Don't you think I know that! [eyes glaze over and he faints] Worf: [munching on pizza] Don't you think we should beam up these medicines, sir? It is the primary mission. LaForge: Sounds good to me. Riker: Geordi? How did you get here? Laforge: I was sent to accompany you. [sucks his knuckles] Data: [from ship] Riker: We have a survivor and some cargo. Beam us up. [We see TNG crew materializing in the transporter room. Bob and Doug Mackenzie are at the transporter controls. They are wearing standard TNG uniforms, but with plaid shirts and stocking caps. Beer cans litter the transporter console. Mackenzie Phillips and Spuds Mackenzie are sitting in the corner. A "Great White North' map hangs on the wall.] Bob: G'day, eh? Riker: Who are you? What are you doing? Bob: I'm Bob, hoser. Doug: And Doug Mackenzie. Your show needs some Canadian content, eh? Worf: Mackenzie? Shouldn't you be in Engineering? Bob: No, man, we're CANADIANS...hey, what's the stuff on your head, eh? Doug: Don't Canadians get to be Captain? Bob: Doohan's Canadian, hosehead. Doug: Take off, eh. Bob: Well, we're just about outta brew. Doug: Hey, have the Captain send us some brews and backbacon, eh? [The crew starts to leave in disgust, leaving most of the pizza cartons behind] Doug: There's pizza, hosehead. [They stagger to the transporter pad and open pizza cartons; Spuds and Phillips become interested.] Bob: Do you smell something sweet? Doug: What? Did you take a shower this year, hosehead? Bob: Take off. Hey, this pizza topping isn't dead. Doug: Looks like egg pizza, eh? [The "pizza topping" flies up into the air and sails into Mackenzie Phillips' back. She drops, screaming in agony. A cloud of lights surrounds Spuds, who is instantly drained of blood.] Bob: I could use a brew now, hosehead. Doug: Go get some, eh. Bob: Sure, I'll get some and I'll drink it all, eh. Doug: OK, we both go, hoser. [They exit, with pizza bats and cloud vampire slinking behind them.] [Picard and Data are at a table in a meeting room. Troi, Yar, Worf, and Riker enter. Crusher follows.] Picard: What in the devil happened down there, Number One? Riker: The whole staff was massacred. We found one survivor. Crusher: I had to sedate him. He was foaming at the mouth and getting spit all over my uniform. Picard: We have a mystery here, don't we Data? [Decker bursts into room.] Decker: Thank God I've gotten to you in time. Isolate all decks of the ship. Watch out for the pizza bats! Picard: Pizza bats? Decker: Or flying frying-eggs. It doesn't matter what you call them. You beamed them up with the pizza. They drive men insane. And the Cloud- Vampire. Sucks all your blood out. And the Salt-Vampire. Ha-ha-ha. We invaded the Giant Amoeba, only to be trapped by the Planet Killer. Picard: The Planet-Killer? Decker: The Doomsday Machine. It had a maw that could swallow a DOZEN starshsip! Data: [aside to Worf] He must be talking about Lt. Yar. Decker: It killed my crew! It killed my ship! And it drove me down to the monsters on the planet. Down to the brink [eyes start glazing again; crew takes the pause as an opportunity to wipe Decker's spit off their faces] the brink of madness! [Decker faints; everyone sits around for the others to say something] Picard: We have a mission. We must deliver that medicine. Those brave souls down on Dominos guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes, and we're going to do it! LaForge: [entering] Sorry to be so late, Captain, but I had to look out the observation port again. A big patch of darkness is coming up upon us from the port, and a small-planet-sized object from starboard. [sees pizza cartons] Hey, what's that? Riker: Geordi, don't you remember? Down on the surface? LaForge: I wasn't down there. Picard: Humph. Stupid script witers. Must be a continuity error. Voice #1:[over intercom] Voice #2: Voice #1: Voice #2: [Silence.] Picard: Number One, were those some of our Chief Enginners? Riker: I believe so, sir. Sounds like trouble. Troi: Great danger. We are in great danger. Crusher: I know...I don't know what I'm going to do about this flu epidemic. [Switch to the holodeck. The alternate-Wesley is tinkering with the holodeck controls. He makes some final adjustments with a smirk. The holodeck door opens -- we see the TOS Enterprise crew -- Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scott, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Chapel, and even Janice Rand are standing there and looking rather confused. Wesley pulls out phaser and approaches them.] Wesley: Greetings, my crew. I, Lord Wesley, have re-created you, the original crew of the starship Enterprise. With me as you leader, we will sieze the Enterprise -- then the entire galaxy! Ha-ha-ha! [Dramatic music -- commerial break] ~~~~~~ ACT II ~~~~~~ [Kirk advances on Wesley aggressively] Wesley: One more step and you're blubber, tubby. Kirk: Now, uh, Wesley... Wesley: That's LORD Wesley. Kirk: Uh, your barn door's open. [Wesley looks down at his pants; Kirk knocks the phaser from his hand, then belts Wesley so hard that Wesley flies across the corridor into a wall and is knocked unconscous.] Spock: [picking up phaser] Fascinating, Captain. What appears to be a portatble vacuum cleaning device commonly known as a "dustbuster" is actually a phaser. Chevok: Ah, yes, that was inwented by Peter the Great. Kirk: Bones, what do you think? McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a housekeeper. I just want to know where we are and how we got here. Sulu: Captain, look, according to these readings, we are on the Enterprise, but it's not any Enterprise we ever knew... Uhura: And look at the date...why, it...it... reads 80 years ahead of our time. [Dramatic music, focus on digital closk near holodeck control panel] Kirk: Could it just be an extreme case of Daylight Savings Time? Spock: No, logic tell sus that we must have been catapulted into the future by this Wesley being. [Back on the bridge] Yar: Sir, bodies have been found on Deck 11. Completely sucked dry of their blood. Picard: What? People aren't suppose to die on my ship. There must be a mistake. Crusher: Captain, we've had some other casualities. They all have strange mottled markings on their faces. I don't think it's the flu. Riker: Sir, what do we do? Picard: We just had a staff meeting. I'll have to think of something. What else can go wrong? Data: Sir, a shuttlecraft has just left the hangar deck. Picard: Open a -- ALL: Communications channel opened, sir. Picard: This is Captain Picard. Identify yourselves. I want that shuttle back here immediately. Doug: Bob: Doug: Picard: You are to return immediately. Bob&Doug: [Shuttle disappears into the distance on viewscreen. Picard is miffed.] Voice: [unidentifed, over intercom] Yar: Sir, more intruders. Near the holodeck. Shall I send a security team? Picard: Yes. Lieutenant. [Yar exits] Riker: You've got a fantastically clever strategic move planned, don't you, sir? Picard: [uncertainly at first, then more firmly] All in good time, Number One, all in good time. [Ship shudders slightly] LaForge: Captain. look at the viewscreen! The stars are gone. I'll go down to the observation room for a better look at it. Data: More disturbances on the holodeck, sir. I detect Ensign Crusher's handiwork. Picard: Come with me, Worf. You too, Data. We'll settle this ourselves. Set phasers to obliterate-the-little-twerp-setting. Crusher: I heard that! [Back to hallway near holodeck] Kirk: We need answers, gentlemen. Let's split up and... [Troi, Yar, and Crusher arrive] Troi: I sense a great ego. I sense another mind... Yar: Halt. Identify yourselves! Kirk: [admiring Troi's...uh...communicator] That's an interesting piece of hardware there. Yar: [tartly] It's her communicator. Kirk: [admiring Troi's other...uh...side without the communicator] I think she should have a matching pair. Sulu: Watch out, those are even larger than Regulan boobworms. Chekov: Keptain, it may be werry dangerous! Let me try it out first. Crusher: Modern medicine has cured all speech impediments. You don't have to talk like that anymore. Chekov: [muttering] Cossack! Spock: Captain, I sense something, another mind. [Spock and Troi see each other; their eyes meet; sweet music sounds; they draw together and mind meld] Troi: Repressed! Uptight! Repressed! Oh, pain! Spock: Is everyone looking at my cleavage? McCoy: Jim, the mind meld's gone too far, we've got to stop it. Chapel: I know what to do. [Chapel slugs Troi, who falls, breaking the mind meld.] Troi: [confused] Mom? Spock: Thank you, Nurse. Yar: You still haven't told me who you are. [Suddenly, the alternate-Wesley leaps up from the floor and grabs Yar's phaser] Wesley: Now, we party, gang! Heh-heh-heh. The tall blonde's first. [He points phaser at Rand, laughs evilly, and begins to pull down his pants.] Crusher: I should never have let him read those Gor books. [Kirk and Sulu rush to place themselves in front of Rand, but she waves them off.] Wesley: Come on over, babe. [Rand saunters over, looks down, and smirks.] Rand: Your shoelaces are untied. Wesley: [looks down] But I'm not wearing...oof! [Rand delivers stunning painful-looking groin kick. Sulu catches the phaser flying from Wesley's hands as he collapses in intense agony.] Kirk: Looks like you've learned one of my old tricks, Yeoman. Rand: Hunh.Piece of cake after Charlie X. Yar: [shouting] Would you identify yourselves?! Kirk: [strutting up to her] I [pause] am Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise. Yar: Very funny. I'll tell Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. [Kirk assumes stunned look as he realizes he's no longer captain. McCoy rushes up to him.] Wesley: [from thr floor] He's not a captain. He's not even a man. He's just a creation of my holodeck-transporter linkup. I assembled and built them all. Ooof! [Rand and Uhura stomp on him.] Kirk: Bones, can it be? Are we just soul-less machines, mindless automatons? Do we still have our human essence? McCoy: [grabs Crusher's medical scanner] It's worse than that, we're dead, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what are we? Picard: [arriving with Worf] What is all this? Data: I believe it's acting, sir, but not acting as we know it. Picard: Acting? More like overacting. Can you imagine Shatner doing "I, Cladius"? Data: Sir, memory banks indicate he was trained as a Shakespearean actor. Picard: Baah. [Data moves over to the holodeck controls to examine what has happened.] Chekov: [aside to Sulu] Is that a Klingon? Sulu: [whispering back] Yes, but the make-up is all wrong. Worf: [growls] Kirk! Yar: No, these are just some more of Wesley's toys. Uhura: You ever see a toy with a soul like this? [assumes defiantly sultry pose; Picard is non-plussed; Uhura and Rand exchange high-fives.] Spock: Jim, I've studied the records of this ship. Due to sloppy writers, their holodeck is capable of anything. Their Wesley character is capable of anything. With no further facts, I can only speculate, but it may be that we are just duplicates of the Original Series crew. McCoy: But our minds, what of them? What of our souls? Spock: As I stated,I can only surmise that the Wesley being has duplicated us exactly. Even to the point of reproducing all the irritating characteristics of Doctor McCoy. McCoy: I can see there was no problem copying your circuits. Worf: Someone fetch Data. He enjoys pointless bickering. [Data walks back, but stops to examine Spock.] Data: A Vulcan. Most intriguing. Spock: An andriod. Fascinating. [Data and Spock begin to circle each other.] Data: Intriguing. Spock: Fascinating. [They begin to circle faster and faster, while repeating "Intriguing" and "Fascinating." Spock steps out.] Spock: Intriguing. Data: Fascinating. Intriguing. Fascinating. Intriguining... [Worf walks over and punches Data, breaking the infinite loop.] Chapel: Doctor, look at the Captain, he's not taking this very well. Kirk: [miserably] My ship. My ship is gone. What does it all mean now? What does it matter? McCoy: Jim. Get a life! Picard: Lt. Yar, escort these hooligans away. [Kirk numbly trails Yar and the rest of his crew follows.] Worf: What about the boy? Wesley: I'm not your Wesley. I'm from an alternate universe. And I'm getting the fuck outta here. Crusher: It's not my Wes, Jean-Luc. He doesn't know the F-word. Picard: Young man, I'll not have those words on my ship, especially from you, since you've been packaged to appeal to our younger viewers. Wesley: Piss off! [Worf boxes the side of his head.] Wesley: Ow, shit! [Worf smacks him so hard he flips over.] Worf: The Captain doesn't like those words. Wesley: [weakly] Yeah. Just get me to the transporter room and I'm gone. Picard: Make it so, Worf. [Worf escorts the alternate-Wesley away. All except Picard follow.] Picard: [to himself] Well. I handled that rather well. Now I'll have Riker fix those other problems. [A little old lady wobbles in from the holodeck.] Lady: Jean-Luc, don't slouch, stand up stright! Picard: Maman, is it you? Maman: Yes, it is. Jean-Luc, why don't you get a toupe like that nice man, Captain Kirk? Picard: Maman... Maman: And look at you. Thin as a rail. You haven't been eating enough. Just looking at Captain Kirk, I can tell HE eats when his mother tells him. And then some. Picard: [to himself] It's just a illusion, a holodeck illusion. Maman: It's that Crusher woman, isn't it? Picard: [getting dramatic] Out, out, damned spot I say! Maman: That's it. Not enough sex! And you call yourself a Frenchman! My poor Jean-Luc, I must find a woman for you. [She wobbles off; Picard leans against bulkhead.] Picard: I must have the damn flu. I'm seeing things. [Back on the bridge] Riker: Status report, Data. Data: Situation critical, commander. We are losing power to the Giant Amoeba, the Planet-Killer is coming in behind us, the Salt Vampire is loose on Deck 6, the Pizza Bats have infested Deck 20, and the Cloud-Vampire is cleaning out Engineering. Riker: If Captain Picard were here, he'd fix this up in a minute. Picard: [arriving from lift] I surrender, tell them all I surrender! LaForge: Boy, we sure are in deep shit now. [Dramatic music, commercial break] ~~~~~~~ ACT III ~~~~~~~ [Scene opens with Kirk standing by a big stone wall with an old-fashioned wooden gate.] Kirk: Open up! This is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise! Voice: [with outrageous French accent] Sppllll! I laugh in your general direction, teeny-minded animal food through wiper. We will make castanets from your testicles. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Spock: [walking up] Captain, Captain, wrong set! This is the "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" set. Kirk: Oh. [They walk off into the mist; French voice continues taunting. A huge rabbit rolls up the gate behind them.] [Fade to a large room. McCoy sits at a table.] McCoy: Chief Medical Officer's Log, Stardate unknown. With the Captain mired by deep depression, we're all beginning to fall apart. Each one of us must face the question: are we living, breathing human beingsor simply carboard cut-outs dolls in a low-budget space opera? [pause] Scotty's already gone to drink. [Scotty is seen face down on a table amid a forest of empty whisky bottles.] McCoy: Chekov's still mumbling about imaginary brothers. Chekov: They killed my brother Ivan. Cossacks! Or was it Alexei? [Ed.'s note: make sure Chekov pronounces it "ee-VAHN".] McCoy: Rand is calling herself a "cycle slut' and Nurse Chapel is just babbling. [Rand is wearing a leather jacket and slurping down gin. Chapel is slouched in a corner mumbling.} Chapel: Gene, get me out of here. McCoy: As for Sulu and Uhura, they've neem rutting like rabbits. [Cut to tabletop; we hear giggling, then we see the top of a light tan rump pop into view for a second, then thrust down, followed by a darker brown rump for a few seconds.] McCoy: And Spock 's totally with drawn into himself. Only I seem unaffected. Why? Is it because I'm just a good ol' country doctor? I don't know. I'm a doctor, not a pop psychologist. And I've got to heal these wounds. [turns to Kirk] Jim, snap out of it. Can we get you something. Kirk: [in a deep funk] Eat. Want to eat. McCoy: Spock, do you hear that? Spock? Spock: My senses are quite sound, Doctor. McCoy: If you've got a drop of red blood in you, if there's any humanity left at all, you know what's happening to us. Look at the Captain, your friend. [Spock gazes at Kirk and says nothing. Decker enters.] Decker: It had a maw that could swallow a DOZEN starships. McCoy: See him! Doesn't it remind you of all we've been through? If you won't save yourself, save this ship, save your friends. [Gene Roddenberry enters. The crew all stop what they're doing and look.] McCoy: Gene! Roddenberry: Dee! Chapel: Landru, save us! ALL: Landru, guide us! [Roddenberry is about to say something, but he catches sight of the medical device McCoy took from Crusher. He starts to suck his knuckles. Spock grabs the pasher Sulu discarded and shoots Roddenberry.] McCoy: Spock, are you mad? You've killed Gene Roddenberry! And just before payday! Spock: One would assume a doctor would be trained at observation, but I must make allowances in your case. [Spock points to roddenberry's body which gradually transforms to that of...the Salt Vampire.] McCoy: Well, pull out the tips of my ears and turn my bllod green. Spock: This scanner of Crusher's -- a salt shaker. McCoy: No wonder she can't cure patients. And no wonder I couldn't pick up any life readings from us. Spock: Quite true. McCoy: [blushing] Next time I trust my instincts instead of those new-fangled gadgets. Spock: Now, we must revive the Captain's ego. Shall we start with satisfying his appetite? McCoy: All we have is some cheese and white bread. Kirk: Toasted cheesed sandwich? Spock: [seriously] I must attempt the Vulcan Cheddar-Meld. It has never been done with plain white bread before, so please stand back -- it could be dangerous. [Eerie music sounds; Spock assumes look of deep concerntration; waves hands slowly over piece of cheese on bread; slowly the cheese melts] Spock: [putting sandwich on plate and handing it to Kirk] Your toasted cheese sandwich, sir. Scott: Can you do that with haggis, too? McCoy: I'd like fried chicken myself. Kirk: Unh? [He stares at the sandwich; Decker grabs it and wolfs it down.] Decker: Yeah. Best toasted cheese I ever ate! Till my ship was destroyed! They didn't have a chance! I've got to stop that thing, that monster! [McCoy gives Decker a sedative.] McCoy: Spock, we'll have to try something else. Spock: Jim, answer me. [No response] Spock: "The frequency is open, but he doesn't answer." Sulu: The galaxy's greatest womanizer -- now he's more impotent then a Denebian weenieworm. McCoy: That's it -- we've got to get him laid. [stares at the women] Uhura: Not me. Rand: He had his chance. Chapel: Gene is VERY possessive. Chekov: Maybe you could all pick a straw... McCoy: [pleading] You've GOT to do it... [Uhura, Rand, and Chapel all look at one another, finally acknowledging a grudging assent.] [Switch to transporter room -- the normal Wesley materializes. He is badly bruised and his sweater is in shreds.] Crusher: Wesley, are you alright? Wesley: It was neat. Except for being in the Agony Booth for so long. But then I got to have sex with the alternative-Yar. Lots of it. [sees Yar] She didn't even wear a bra over there, either. [pauses, smirks] She didn't wear much of anything. Picard: Shut up, Wesley. Crusher: He's had a traumatic experience. [hugs Wesley, who makes a face] I'm overjoyed to have my son back. [Picard glares] Well, maybe not overjoyed -- more like cautiously optimistic. Wesley: I learned so many neat tricks. Captain -- do you know what happens when a person is sleeping and you put their hand in warm water? Worf: An ancient Klingon warrior's trick! [Back to TOS crew] McCoy: Well, how did it go? Uhura: Not too well. Rand: He wouldn't look at my legs. Chapel: He didn't want to play doctor. Spock: Quite uncharacteristic of the Captain. McCoy: It's worse than I thought. He needs a challenge. Sulu: Yar. [Everyone glances at one another; Spock raises eyebrow] McCoy: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's head for her cabin. [Back to the bridge again] Crusher: Captain, I just can't figure out this damn flu! Data: Sir, casualties are rising. I count 87 drained of blood, 48 drained of salt, and 54 driven insane by pizza bats. In addition, power reserves are down another 22.3%. But the Dow Jones is up 3 1/4. Picard: [wearily] Have you broadcast on all frequencies that I surrender? LaForge: It's not working, sir. What do we do? [Yar's cabin. TOS crew knocks and enters.] McCoy: We'd like to ask you a favor...[prods Kirk] Jim, look! Chekov: [whispering in Kirk's ear] No bra. I checked. Very good. Yar: I'm Security Chief. And that means I don't like intruders on my ship. Don't move, I got you covered. [Yar raises phaser. Suddenly, a light appears in Kirk's eyes, as if galvanized by the threat.] Kirk: [to Spock] That looks like a dustbuster to me. Spock: I believe it is. Yar: No, it is a phaser. [Sulu moves towards her; she aims the phaser, but instead of a light beam, we are treated to a standard vacuum-cleaner sound effect. Kirk, Sulu, and Chekov jump Yar and pummel her.] Kirk: I want some answers now. [Yar moans, stands up, then leaps towards the shelf.] Yar: [grabbing phaser-like object] Aha, here is my phaser. Don't move. I've got you covered. Kirk: We're not frightened by your vacuum cleaner. Yar: Make a move then. Uhura: [softly] Capyain, I believe it's a personal hygiene apparatus known as a blow dryer. [Kirk steps forward. Yar points, but only hot air comes out. Everyone jumps here and she is pummeled again.] Yar: Ow, ooh, where's my goddamn phaser? [Cut to bridge -- Troi is steeping off turbolift. Half her bun of hair is burned off. The left side of her face is blackened and little wisps of smoke are rising from her head. She has a pissed-off expression on her face.] Riker: Deanna, that's...that's a new look for you, isn't it? Picard: Ah, Counselor Troi, good to see you introducing new fashions to the crew. I don't understand them myself, but... Troi: [darkly] I sense GREAT stupidity. [All fall silent. Data continues to stare at Troi's head.] [Back below decks...Spock, Scott, and McCoy have stepped out into the corridor.] Spock: Doctor, Jim has not recovred all of his confidence. McCoy: I know. We need more time. Scott: I've been doin' a wee bit o' thinking. McCoy: Yes? Scott: This is a big, big ship. A lot of matter. I'm thinking they might not miss it too much if we were to borrow a wee bit... McCoy: Blast it, man, get to the point! Spock: If I understand Mr. Scott correctly, might a "wee" bit be equivalent to the mass of NCC-1701? Scott: Aye, Mr. Spock. Aye. McCoy: You mean, you can re-create the Enterprise out of the mass of this ship? Scott: The blueprints are in the computer. And if I canna run a holodeck- transporter combo better than a bawlin' boy brat than I'm nae real Scotsman at all. Kirk: Am I invited to the party, gentlemen? Spock: Mr, Scott has an interesting proposition. McCoy: He's going to rebuild the Enterprise. Kirk: My ship? [his shoulders stiffen; his voice quickens] Mr. Scott, have you something for us to go on. Scott: Aye, sir, give me a few hours, and I'll have a brand-new Enterprise complete down to the bolts, just like the bonnie lass we know and love. Kirk: Scotty, do it and you're Chief Engineer for life. Spock: However, there are a few minor obstructions to Mr. Scott's progress. Kirk: Which is why we need a plan, gentleman... [Gene Roddenberry enters.] Roddenberry: I was having lunch down at the commissary, and it was just so bland...you guys got some salt or pepper up here? [he absent-mindedly licks his knuckles] [TOS guys exchange glances.] Scott: Fool me once, shame on you... McCoy: Fool me twice, shame on me. [pulls out phaser and shoots Roddenberry] [They stand and look at the bosy and start shuffling around uncomfortably after a few seconds.] Kirk: Bones, I've got a bad feeling about this. McCoy: [stoops down] He's dead, Jim. [pauses] You take the Rolex, I'll grab the wallet. Spock: I suggest we leave the resolution of this matter to the ST:TNG scriptwriters. Scott: And run like the devil himself were on our tail. [They break and run. Kirk barely suppressing the urge to go "woob-woob-woob" ala Curly of the Three Stooges.] [Back on the bridge] Worf: Morale is dissolving, sir. Data: Dilithium crystals deterioration underway. Picard: It's time for action. Number One, prepare for the staff meeting. Yar: [bursting out of turbolift] The TOS crew! They overpowered me! Kirk: [over intercom] Crusher: You can't. We've got the flu. Kirk: [Dramatic music, break for commercial] ~~~~~~ ACT IV ~~~~~~ [Kirk and crew are walking down corridor; Picard and co-stars step out from turbolift and block them.] Picard: This has gone far enough. You are NOT going to run this ship. You are going to stop right this instant. Kirk: Oh yeah? Make me, buster. Picard: What? Chekov: [taunting Worf] I made it with a Klingon woman once. Sulu: Wasn't that your brother Pyotr? Chekov: Him too. [Worf growls and advances on Chekov. Grand melee breaks out. Chekov kicks Worf in the knee; Worf doubles over and Chekov punches him in the face. Spock invites Data for a quick game of 3D-chess. Yar gyrates around Sulu in various martial-arts style poses; Sulu calmly reaches out and socks her in the nose. McCoy quickly administers a whopper of a sedative to Crusher. Scotty swipes LaForge's hair band/eyes and hands it to Rand.] Scott: Lass, will ye be wantin' something for yer hair? [Rand tucks the band in her mound of hair and rams Troi in the chest with the head. Scratch one Betamax Tricorder. LaForge wanders around. Meanwhile, Spock checkmates Data, who then punches himself in the jaw, knocking himself unconscious. Riker stands before Uhura and grins. Uhura decks him with a massive blow to the mouth.] Riker: Oooh, my teeth! I think one's loose! Dentist! Dentist! [Kirk faces off against Picard, who stands motionless and appears bewildered. Kirk jumnps up and down, circling, flipping over a couple of times as if averting blows from Picard. Somehow, in the process, he gets his face dirty and tears his shirt open. Finally, he punches Picard, who falls down.] Chapel: I didn't get to slap anyone! Kirk: To the bridge. We haven't much time. Rand: Sorry 'bout the specs. [hands crushed hair band to LaForge] [Scene change to Kirk and crew stepping onto bridge from turbolift. Kirk strides to Captain's chair and flips intercom switch.] Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the TOS starship Enterprise. I am assuming command of this ship. All hands to battle stations. Red Alert. [Uhura has activated the "red alert"...sadly, we don't get deafing klaxxons and numerous flashing red lights. Kirk looks a little annoyed.] Kirk: Lieutenant, put us on Double Secret Probation Red Alert. Uhura: Yes, sir, full sound effects coming up. [Now we get the old TOS effects...] [Suddenly, Picard and crew limp off turbolift.] Kirk: What are you doing on the bridge, mister? Picard: It's my mother. She's trying to set me up with Troi. You've got to hide me. Voice: [Picard's mother on intercom] < Jean-Luc, come out! Has anyone seen my boy Jean-Luc Picard? His mother wants him right now! > Kirk: [pressing intercom switch] Captain Picard was last seen in Engineering. Voice: < Thank you, young man. > Spock: Was that wise, sir? Kirk: Mr. Spock, it was the human thing to do. [Picard starts to speak but Q materializes on the bridge.] Q: What utter barbarians! Picard: No, Q, not now. Kirk: I can deal with this. [to Q] If you don't leave right now, we're going to tell your Mommy. And Mr. Spock here will...[nudges Spock] Spock: Inform your Father. Q: No, you wouldn't. Kirk: We would and we will. Mommy won't be too happy with you. The chances of you getting a new planet for your birthday are so small that... well, Mr.Spock, how small would you estimate the probability? Spock: The odds are approximately 42,987.308 to 1. Q: That bad? Spock: Precisely. Kirk: That's it. Leave or we're gonna tell your Mommy. Q: You're no fun. [vanishes] [Kirk flashes a grin at Spock, who appears vaguely annoyed.] Kirk: Time to get to work, gentlemen. First, a drill. Bridge lurch! Left! [Entire TOS crew lurches to the left] Kirk: Bridge lurch right! Left! [All lean to the right, then quickly to the left. Scotty topples over onto the floor and Uhura is clinging to the edge of her seat. Picard and crew stand watching with mouths hanging open.] McCoy: Haven't you people ever see a bridge lurch before? Kirk: Spock, you and Scotty out to be able to restore some power. Take McCoy and Nurse Cahpel to go deal with the Cloud Vampire. We'll handle the rest up here. [Spock, Scotty, McCoy, and Chapel exit. Rand moves to Spock's station. Wesley enters and walks behind Sulu, peering over his shoulder; Sulu swats at him as if brushing away a fly. Wesley moves behind Chekov.] Chekov: Keptin, that pesky boy is here again. Wesley: The name's "Wes", "Wes Crusher". Chekov: OK, Ves. Wesley: No, it's "Wes". Chekov: That's what I said. "Res". Wesley: No, read my lips -- [slowly] W-W-W-W-W-E-E-S-S-S. Chekov: Oh -- Wes... Wesley: Yes! Chekov: Wes Cwushah. Wesley: No!! [goes and bangs head against wall; Chekov shrugs] [Lights dim and ship shudders] Kirk: Mr.Sulu, steady as she goes. Uhura, see what's keeping Spock and Scott. Yeoman, over here. Spock: [over intercom] < Spock, here, Captain. Mr. Scott has bypassed the circuits in Engineering. Ready for first phase. > McCoy: [interrupting, over intercom] < McCoy here. The Cloud-Vampire is in the transporter room. Tell Dr. Crusher I'm sorry we used her blood bank as bait. Sealing all vents. There's nothing there now but the Cloud and Scotty's anti-matter bomb. > Spock: < Due to the Doctor's verbosity, we have 12 seconds before detonation...9...8...7... > Kirk: Scotty, beam it into the amoeba's nucleus! Now! Spock: < ...4...3...2...1... > [Shift to Scotty working at a make-shift console in the auxillary control; catch shot of Cloud and bomb de-materializing in transporter room; quickly shift to Enterprise outlined against full-color view of amoeba, then back to bridge.] [Lights dim, ship shakes, TOS crew preforms typical bridge lurches; TNG crew knocked flat on their asses; Troi flys across room into Kirk's lap; somehow, gets a mouthful. Riker pulls her away.] Chekov: Keptin, look. [Stars are again visible on screen; the blackness caused by being within the Giant Amoeba is gone.] Sulu: Three down, sir, two to go. Kirk: Uhura, Mr. Spock will need your help. Keep in touch and watch for pizza bats. Uhura: Aye, sir. [exits] LaForge: I better go take a peek from the observation deck. [leaves] Rand: I didn't have the heart to tell him that Mr. Scott finished off the brandy that LaForge had stashed down there. Picard: Are you saying one of my crew is a closet alcoholic? Kirk: Picard, evacuate your surviving people from the saucer section. Troi: Captain Picard, be careful -- Kirk: We're going to need the saucer. Troi: I sense deception! I sense -- [Kirk looks at Rand. Rand looks at Kirk. Suddenly Troi leaps onto Kirk and tries to pull his pants off. Riker pulls her away.] Riker: Deanna, does this mean it's all over between us? Rand: Captain Lovey-Dovey. Bonk, bonk. Picard: What is this evacuation order about? I demand to know. Kirk: We may lose the saucer in the final fight. Just get your precious crew out. Spock: [via intercom] < Spock, here, Captain, we MUST recover Engineering. Auxilliary systems have all failed. > Kirk: I thought you'd killed the pizza bats by turning up the lights in Engineering. Spock: < Negative, Captain. We were unsuccessful. > Chekov: Planet-killer is in pursuit again. McCoy: [arriving from turbolift] Jim, our plan won't work! It's a different kind of pizza bat! Decker: [from behind McCoy] My crew! My ship! All gone, destroyed. Kirk, you know what we must do. Kirk: Bones, the pizza bats left Decker alone on the planet. And he's been wandering the ship while Picard's crew is being slaughtered. Decker: Don't you think I know that!! McCoy: [administers yet another sedative] So why did Decker survive? Kirk: There must be something we're missing. Why avoid Decker and attack the ST:TNG crew? What makes Decker so different? Sulu: Sir, you couldn't get one of the ST:TBG crew to act like Decker if you rectally penetrated them with electrified cattle prods. Kirk: Acting...like Decker. OVERacting...like Decker. That's it. The pizza bats can't tolerate overacting. McCoy: Jim, we can't be certain. Kirk: We only have one chance, Bones. [turns] Mr. Data, I'm going to need my crew in Engineering. I must count on you to maintain the helm. Data: [waits for Picard to object] I will. Kirk: Good. If you don't hear from us in 15 minutes, separate the saucer and destroy us. [Kirk and crew exit] Data: I shall do so. [Data walks to helm, creaking as he goes.] Picard: What is that noise? Data: It is I, sir. The TOS women were testing some of my functions and the lubrication system failed in some of my bearings due to the vigorous and repetitive motion. Yar: [slugs Data] You SLUT!! ["Dynasty"-style music is heard and yet another commercial break begins] ~~~~~ ACT V (yeah, five acts, not four) ~~~~~ [Outside Engineering, Kirk addresses crew. The buzzing of the pizza bats is audible.] Kirk: We're going to need every ounce of overacting we can muster. On my signal, get in there and ham it up! [Scott forces open the door to Engineering and they rush in. Pizza bats are clinging to the walls. Decker runs around in wide circles screaming incoherently and foaming at the mouth. The others do their part.] Uhura: Captain, I'm frightened! Rand: Look at my legs now! Chekov: It was inwented in Russia! Sulu: [fencing an imaginary partner] Aye, sir! McCoy: I'm a doctor, not an actor! Chapel: Spock, I've always loved you! Scott: The engines canna take nae more, Captain! Kirk: I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen! Spock: [working with tricorder] Captain, we don't have enough overacting. Kirk: Mr. Spock, be emotional -- that's an order! [Spock rushes to embrace Chapel and they start ripping off clothes; the others repeat their lines more fervently. Kirk whips out a handy copy of the U.S. Constitution and starts reading ( as he did on "The Omega Glory"). Music is building to crescendo throughtout the scene. Wesley innocently enters.] Kirk: WE, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility,... [Decker sees Kirk's paper and makes a beeline for him...] Kirk&Decker:provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our prosterity do ordain ands establish this Constitution of the United States of America. [Music has risen to climax; cymbals crash...and the pizza bats all fall to the floor...dead. All fall silent, panting, out of breath, Wesley has collapsed from the strain of watching.] McCoy: Not bad for a Canadian ham, eh? Kirk: We're not through yet. Spock, Scotty, we need that power now. Sulu and Uhura, come with me. The rest of you, load up for the final phase of the plan. [Kirk, Sulu, and Uhura arrive back on the bridge. ST:TNG crew are standing around.] Kirk: Open fire on the Planet-Killer, Mr.Sulu. Sulu: Aye, aye, sir. Phasers locking. Firing. Uhura: [in Chekov's usual position] Direct hit. No damage. Sulu: Planet-Killer has closed and caught us un its tractor beam. Picard: Are you mad? Kirk: Possibly. You'd better get off the saucer NOW. I'm going to separate, ram the Planet-Killer, and explode the impulse engine. Decker: [bursting in] Don't you think I know that! Data: Captain Picard, I suggest we exit! [All TNG folk save LaForge jam into turbolift and bug out; LaForge, whoses "eyes" are obviously malfunctioning, bumps into a wall. Uhura walks up to him.] Uhura: Hey, Janice and I thought you wer kinda cute...and, well, we felt bad about your hair band getting smashed, so we had Scotty whip up some new eyes for you... [Hands LaForgw some funky-looking Ray-Ban sunglasses; LaForge puts them on] Uhura: [looking at LaForge] Nice shades, man. LaForge: Ooh, thanks. [looks around] Outasight! I feel so hip now. Uhura Remember your roots, brother. [LaForge exits] Scott: [over intercom] < Warp engines functioning. Mr. Spock has wired the impulse engines to fuse. I'm on my way up there. > Kirk: Matt, join the rest of them. Get off the saucer. Decker: [suddenly calms] Kirk, you know what this means to me. I'm ready to die with you. Kirk: We're not going to die. This is a new beginning. [Scott enters and starts working on the Captain's chair.] Sulu: Separating saucer now. Impulse engines in reverse, holding against the Planet-Killer. Scott: We're ready, Captain. The impulse engines will fuse in 5 seconds after this switch is set. You beam out with the rest of them -- I can handle this. [On the viewscreen, we see "the duck" (NCC-1701D minus saucer) warping away; Decker hisses -- TNG crew has abandoned them! Sulu moves the field of view to...the NCC-1701! Scott and Kirk turn to look.] Kirk: Scotty, I want you on that ship. [grins] You don't trust Spock and McCoy to run her, do you? Scott: Aye, Captain. Decker: What in blazes is going on, Kirk? Kirk: The crew has been re-assembling the Enterprise from the mass of this saucer...we needed the power of the warp engines to put that final breath of life into the lady we love. Spock: [over intercom] < Captain, you have 20 seconds. > Kirk: Four to beam up, Mr. Spock. Now. [Scott, Uhura, Sulu, and Decker are transported away. Kirk moves to the helm... an overdose of dramatic music starts to build up.] Spock: < You have 15 seconds.> Kirk: Lock onto me, Mr. Spock. [The mouth of the Planet-Killer now fills the entire viewscreen...even more dramatic music] Spock: < 10 seconds...9...8...7...6... > Kirk: [pulls switch] Now! [As usual, the transporter fails during the typical end-of-episode crisis. Spock and Scotty fiddle with the controls of the transporter...Kirk is perspiring heavily now] Kirk: Mr. Spock, I suggest you hurry. Spock: < 1...0.. energize.> [The saucer explodes while Kirk is de-materializing...we see several seconds of effects -- explosion in the Planet-Killer and Kirk materializing on TOS ship..Kirk finally appears. McCoy rushes up to transporter platform] Chekov: [over intercom] < The Planet-Killer is dead! > [All loosen up in relief...Kirk sighs.] Kirk: Gentlemen, how many times have you done this faulty transporter trick to me at the end of an episode? Spock: Including the original series, the cartoons, and the movies, approximately... Kirk: [interrupting] No, don't tell me. I don't want to know. [Music and break for final commerical] ~~~~~~ EPILOG ~~~~~~ [On the bridge of the TOS Enterprise; all are busily engaged in their duties.] Kirk: [to Spock] Like Scotty promised, it's my Enterprise. It's even full of redshirts...what a nice touch. McCoy: I know you'd be needing a few and persuaded some TNG extras to come over. Spock: Sir, was it wise to from Decker? Kirk: Spock, I need men like him, like my friend, the original Matt Decker, the only man in the galaxy who could overact more than I. McCoy: Just keep him away from the cordrazine. [Spock starts to turn back to his post, but pauses] Spock: You haven't yet told me how you prevented the Betamax from discerning that you were concealing the truth. Kirk: Very simple, Mr. Spock. I anticipated that she would read my mind, so I prepared a signal to Yeoman Rand to start playing with my genitals. The rushing blitz of my mental reaction overpowered Troi's defenses and drove her into a instant sexual frenzy. [Behind Kirk's back, Rand sticks finger in mouth pretends to gag. She turns to exit.] Kirk: Yeoman, where are you going? Rand: I have a date with the writer of this parody...he's been waiting twenty years for this. [Rand exits. Enter Chapel with black hair. She's wearing a uniform from "The Cage".] McCoy: [whispers] Jim, she's telling us she's Number One now. Kirk: Who is Number One? Chapel: You are, Number Six. Spock: Apparently she is suffering from a common malady. Series disorientation... McCoy: Just a minute. I'm still the doctor around here. Series disorientation occurs when a character has delusion of being another character in a TV series. Kirk: You mean, I could get this and believe that I'm "The Skipper" from "Gilligan's Island"? McCoy: Or worse. Chapel: [dreamily] In the original pilot, *I* was Number One. McCoy [injecting her with a sedative] She'll be good as new again in no time. [Wesley pops out of turbolift; all crew suppress grimaces] Wesley: Captain, sir, Sub-Ensign Crusher reporting for duty, sir. [Spock and McCoy glare at Kirk. Sulu and Chekov exchange looks. Scott draws his phaser. Uhura makes a face.] Kirk: Sub-Ensign Crusher, here is your equipment. Guard it well. [Kirk Hands Wesley what is obviously a toilet-bowl scrubber adorned with flashing lights on the bristles.] Kirk: You can start with the heads on Deck 1. And, Mr. Crusher, I want them so clean you can eat off them. And you WILL eat off them if they don't pass inspection. Wesley: Yes, sir! [rushes off bridge] McCoy: Jim, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Beaver? Kirk: On the contrary, Bones, I think that a little discipline is just what he needs to become an officer. Spock: I fail to see what would motivate you to help such an intractably obnoxious brat. Kirk: Haven't we all had those bratty little phases in our youth? [looks nostalgic] Terrorizing the teachers...looking down girl's shirts... holding up 7-11's... [Spock raises eyebrow] ah, I guess you wouldn't know about those things. McCoy: You see, Spock, there's still a few things you could learn about us humans. Spock: Evidently, doctor, I will consult you the next time I hold up a 7-11. Kirk: Spock, I'm not the same man I was then. McCoy: Jim, whatever has happened to us, wherever these bodies of ours came from, you're the real Jim Kirk, and I'm the real McCoy. Kirk: Right. I've got my ship, my crew, amd lots of redshirts. Sulu: [jumping up] So let's go kick some serious ass now! [Everyone stares at Sulu; he sits down and plays with his console; Kirk smiles.] Scott: Warp engines ready to go, sir. And tell Mr. Sulu to be gentle with them. Kirk: Thank you Mr. Scott. Ahead Warp Factor One, Mr. Sulu. Sulu: Where, sir? Kirk: Hm...Uhura, open a communications channel to... Uhura: Where, sir? Spock: Sir, it seems we no longer have a mission. Kirk: No! [Looks very agitated; music builds up to foreshadow impending overacting] Kirk: We DO have a mission. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Our five-year mission -- to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and civilizations, to boldly go where no man [Uhura clears throat] -- or woman -- has gone before! [Cut to scene of Enterprise shrinking off into the distance, finally vanishing in a sea of stars] Announcer: And now a look at next week's exciting all-new episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation... [Scene of bridge crew all wearing white naval-type uniforms...Love Boat theme music starts up..."Trek -- exciting and new -- come aboard, we're expecting you...] Voiceover: Tempers flare when the Enterprise takes a swinging couple to Mazatlan! Announcer: And on next week's Star Trek: ROTOS ( Return of the Old Series)... the Enterprise goes back in time to obliterate NBC corporate headquaters! [Scene of 30 Rockefeller Plaza being melted by phasers. Cut to bridge] Spock: I would have preferred that we gone back and rescued Zarabeth from "All Our Yesterdays". Kirk: It's too late for that, Spock, she's teamed up with James Gardner now. Spock: Am I being admonished by the man who became amorously involved with Joan Collins in "The City on the Edge of Forever"? I think YOU have taken a little too much LDS. Sir.