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Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 16:48:53 -0400 (EST)
From: Harlow Snyder <hsnyder@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: File--The Dangers of File Transfer Addiction (humor)

    WHY I'M THE PERFECT COURIER, AND WHY IT'S KILLING ME.

A very serious story about how computers really can kill you.
         by Lord Valgamon (valgamon@cyberspace.com)

     Call this a self-pity file. Call it pointless. Call it
boring. Call it whatever the fuck you want, I couldn't care
less. The only reason I'm writing it is so that other people
who are in the same boat as me will know that they are not
alone. Now that I've peaked your interest, read on.

     I have a sort of disease, which from here on in will be
referred to as Valgitis. The symptoms of Valgitis are as
follows. You're using your computer. You spot a new file. You
download the new file. You feel a compelling urge to spread
this new file to every BBS that you call, and to /XDCC OFFER
it in the #warez channel on IRC. You know that if you don't
spread the new file everywhere, guilt will gnaw at your
innards until you do. You can try to go to sleep at night,
but the twisting, gut-wrenching desire to spread that damn
file forces you to jump out of bed and flip on your computer,
then spend at least half an hour redialing busy boards and
sending the file to whichever BBS's you already haven't
gotten through to, and knowing if you don't, you won't be
able to sleep, or do anything else, until you have uploaded
that fucking file from here to Tokyo. Then, after you have
exhausted all your energy making sure that everyone who wants
(and doesn't want) to download this new file will be able to
do so, you sweep up all the hair that you tore out and the
fingernail fragments you nibbled off while redialing those
busy boards. Then, at about 1:30 AM, knowing full well that
you're not going to be able to wake up for school tomorrow,
you collapse in a heap on your bed, totally and utterly
drained of all energy. This nightmarish, hideous, life-
wrecking disease called Valgitis is what makes me the
ultimate courier, and my distribution sites love me for it.

     Unfortunately, I am developing some serious problems as
a direct result of my affliction. I cannot function properly
in school, I disregard my homework, I've been skipping
Driver's Ed, I quit the ski team, I don't eat, I don't sleep,
I don't hang out anymore with the friends who used to take up
the majority of my time... all in all, Valgitis is destroying
my life, or what little scraps are left of it.

     Maybe if I were a machine myself, and not a biological
organism (which requires sleep, nourishment, etc) interfacing
with a machine, I would be immune to Valgitis. If I were a
robot, an automated courier, I would have no problems at all.
Unfortunately, contrary to popular belief, I AM A HUMAN BEING
and Valgitis is like a cancer, eating away at me until I will
eventually have some sort of breakdown and be carted off to a
hospital, locked in a small, white, square room and
forcefully retained from destroying myself any further.

     I don't really want to finish this file. I am starting
to scare myself. Don't be surprised if you don't hear much
from me in the weeks to come. I'm implementing my own self-
designed, 12-step cure for Valgitis. And it's a doozy.

                                   -Lord Valgamon [RiSC]

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