Date: 16 Sep 92 03:04:14 >From: The Dark Adept Subject: File 5--Creative Computing for College Creative Computing for College by The Dark Adept I thought I might share some of the wisdom I've gleaned from years of being forced to use "Academic Computing Centers". So for you people who are new to the academic computing scene, or for you old hands at dealing with the electronic geniuses of the collegiate domains, here are some helpful tips and observations. Dealing with the System Administrator +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ If you need to find the system administrator, cause a major hardware crash. Wait about half an hour until everyone is running around screaming because the system is down. The sysadmin will be the one in the lounge smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee and saying "Oh, you don't need me for *that*." In fact, look in the lounge for him at any time of day. That is where he will be. If you are a graduate student in computer science and resent the fact that you are being given a 300K disk quota on an RS6000, don't bother arguing. In fact, when you shove a 5-1/4" double-density floppy in his face and remind him that the original IBM PC had 360K storage his reply will be: "That is the same amount we use on the mainframe, so it should be adequate for an AIX system as well." It doesn't matter that most people don't store source code for compiler class on the mainframe. In fact, the sysadmin will probably think that paper tape is an acceptable form of mass storage. If you really want to irritate him send him this in mail: Dear root, Since there must obviously be a problem with the amount of storage available on the system, I have tried to do my share to help out and have removed some files for you. Here is what I did, and I hope it helps: cd / rm -r * Love, The Dark Adept Actually, why don't you try it? Might wake the old boy up a bit. Dealing with the Academic Computing Services employees ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ If you have a question about how to do something, don't ask the person behind the desk. Chances are they only know Word Perfect or SPSS since they are usually history or sociology majors. Look for a person sitting in front of a computer crying. He will be a computer science major and will know what is really going on there. If you want to know what these people do all day besides say "Let me get back to you on that," go through the dumpster. Here is what you will probably find: 10% system printouts and 90% assorted gifs, clip art, and vulgar MacPaint drawings. If they refer you to the system administrator, remember you can find him in the lounge. He is the one in polyester and has the bad haircut. How much storage space do these people get? 3megs?!?!? Yeah, clipart takes up a lot of storage. Dealing with the equipment ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Rule #1: The spacebar either always sticks or doesn't work. Rule #2: Monochrome is "in" this year. Rule #3: "Extensive computing facilities" means a bunch of 8086 machines with floppy drives, MDA or Hercules on a LAN. Rule #4: Unless you want to use WordPerfect or TrueBasic, you will have to forcibly remove the English major using one of the few 386 machines. After all, why would he give up all that power he needs to type "Ode to My Toejam" with WordPerfect when your final project in CS 999 is due tomorrow? Rule #5: A paper TTY cranking at 110 baud and a punch card reader *is* state-of-the-art. Just ask the system administrator. Rule #6: That mysterious "computer fee" on your bill pays for the paper for the TTY and the sysadmin's coffee. Refuse to pay it and buy an abacus. You'll be better off. Rule #7: Viruses are to college computing centers as tornadoes are to trailer parks. The phrase "disaster magnet" comes to mind. Rule #7a: Don't stick your floppy in the slot without knowing what else has been in there first. Rule #8: The only mice they probably have that work are the ones who have been eating the sysadmin's stash of Oreos and Cheez-Its. Miscellany ++++++++++ Top Ten Phrases Heard in the Computing Center: ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 10. "I can only help you with SPSS or WordPerfect." 9. "The system administrator is in a conference right now." 8. "Viruses? I think you want the biology department..." 7. "Is our system secure? I think so...all the PC's are bolted down..." 6. "Let me get back to you on that..." 5. "To delete a line, just hit CTRL-Y" 4. (With tetris on the screen) "Um, I'm busy validating the whatzit. Come back later." 3. "So that's what del *.* does!" 2. "Unix? I think you want to talk to the "Sexual Studies" department." And the number one phrase is: 1. "Check out this new clip art!" Top Ten Languages Spoken by Employees +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 10. English 9. Spanish 8. Pakistani 7. Vietnamese 6. Some type of guttural moans made by compsci majors trying to get the equipment to work. (Cross-cultural language) 5. Esparanza 4. Japanese 3. Chinese 2. Korean And the number one language is: 1. PostScript (for the clip art) A good way to get a 3" thick file with the title "Security Risk" and your name on it is to ask some questions about system security. Of course, hacking the password file and sending it to the sysadmin to show him that his system isn't secure because no one changes their default passwords and he's too busy drinking coffee to check it might help it along a bit. I wouldn't know about that, though ;) Top Ten Ways of Getting back at them: +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 10. Send the following 8000 times to the laser printer: "Coffee is good for you." CTRL-L (formfeed character) 9. Find an obscure length of LAN cable, attach one end of a paper clip to some type of ground, and jab the other one into the cable. 8. Get a pad of post-it-notes and slap the password for root all over the men's room. 7. Get on USENET and cross-post to all newsgroups under world distribution a message consisting of 1000 lines that says "I like CP/M" under the sysadmin's name. 6. Delete WordPerfect and SPSS from the LAN Server. 5. Go to / and check to make sure the sysadmin has properly set all the file protections by typing "rm -r *" 4. Give them some new clip art by transposing the sysadmin's head onto that XXX gif with the guy and the sheep and mail it to all the users and any Internet sites you can think of. 3. Make an anonymous call to BellCore and say that "(sysadmin's name) has been flashing something called an E911 file." 2. Break the PostScript laser printer cartridge. And the number one method of revenge is: 1. Put decaf in the coffee pot. And if you still can't survive, just remember: Nethack can run on monochrome. ------------------------------ Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253