 Ŀ
                            The RED DWARF SmegBook                           
  "The End" - "Out of Time," "Tongue Tied," and "the Craig Charles incident" 
  1988  1993 
                             written by Earl Green
   special thanks to Joe Siegler, Steve Quarrella and Chris Bray, and all who
         posted the info reprinted in the Craig Charles trial section

                "Red Dwarf" created by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor


                             Ŀ
                              Series One - 1988 
                             

                        "Rimmer, you *are* a smeghead!"

01      THE END                                                     Feb 15, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  The Beginning:  It's an abysmally average day about the Red Dwarf, a mining
    ship of the Jupiter Mining Corporation.  The two lowest-ranking members of
    Red Dwarf's crew, second technician Arnold J. Rimmer and third technician
    David Lister, are - as one gets the impression is common - unable to agree
    on anything.  Lister's laid-back lifestyle and his refusal to deal with or,
    for that matter, acknowledge the existence of any problem unless his life
    depends on it irritates Rimmer, who sees himself as prime officer material
    despite his chronic inability to pass the ship's navigation exams.  As
    Rimmer undertakes the nav exam one more time (only to realize that he once
    again knows nothing about the subject), Lister opens a ventilation duct in
    their quarters to let his pet cat Frankenstein out.  The cat in question
    later becomes something of a point of contention between Lister and Captain
    Hollister, who calls Lister to his office and demands custody of the
    unauthorized and unquarantined animal.  When Lister refuses, he is sentenced
    to make the rest of Red Dwarf's journey in suspended animation without pay.
    He is awakened from his time in stasis by the ship's computer, Holly, who,
    moments after Lister rejoins the world of the living, breaks the news to him
    that the rest of that world has apparently vacated Red Dwarf - an improperly
    repaired drive plate (improperly repaired, naturally, by Rimmer) released
    deadly cadmium-2 radiation into the ship's habitable areas, killing all
    aboard except Lister, who was sealed safely in stasis, and his cat, who was
    safely sealed in a cargo bay.  Holly then comforts Lister by revealing that
    this tragedy happened a long time ago - three million years, to be exact.
    As if that's not enough, Rimmer has been revived as a hologram, unable to
    touch anything, but fully capable of getting on Lister's nerves.  And the
    generations of kittens born to Lister's cat have evolved into a humanoid
    form of cat, with the outward appearance of a human being but the vanity and
    attitude of a tomcat on the make; one such creature, who winds up with the
    highly original name of Cat, is "adopted" by Lister.
       Having had enough surprises for one day, Lister orders Holly to set a
    course to Fiji.
  Our Heroes:  Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules
    (Cat), Norman Lovett (Holly)
  Guest Cast:  Robert Bathurst (Todhunter), Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie
    (Selby), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Robert McCulley (McIntyre), Mark
    Williams (Petersen), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski)


    "Look, we're traveling faster than the speed of light.  That means by the
      time we see something, we've already passed through it.  Even with an
                    IQ of 6000, it's still brown trousers time."

02      FUTURE ECHOES                                               Feb 22, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Things That Will Have Been Were Did Happening:  Lister is preparing to go back
    into stasis, hoping to be alive and well after a few million years more when
    Red Dwarf should arrive back at Earth.  Lister is also trying unsuccessfully
    to get Cat to join him in suspended animation, but is having a hard time
    convincing Cat to leave most of his wardrobe behind.  In the meantime,
    Rimmer - by insulting Holly when asking for a holographic crew cut - sports
    a dashing and rakish beehive 'do from Earth's 1950s, and is outraged at the
    others' plan to leave him behind while they sleep through the aeon or so it
    will take the ship to return home.  Shortly after Lister argues with his
    artificially intelligent Toaster over which of them is a better singer, the
    ship lurches wildly as it breaks the light barrier once more to make its way
    home.  Lister continues shaving when he notices that the Lister in the
    mirror isn't doing the same things at the same time he himself is.
    (Confused yet?)  Holly claims that, since Red Dwarf is traveling faster than
    light, events that are about to happen are catching up with the crew before
    they actually do happen.  The Toaster backs this theory up, so it must be
    true, and everyone goes on about their merry way, though the echoes of
    future events get stranger and stranger, from Cat breaking his tooth to
    Lister finding a Polaroid (though luckily not a double Polaroid) of himself
    holding two babies.  Then Rimmer witnesses a future event which casts a bit
    of gloom on the proceedings - Lister's death while making emergency repairs
    in the drive room.
  Guest Cast:  John Lenahan (Talkie Toaster), Tony Hawks (Dispensing Machine)


        "See this hand?  It is mine.  See these things?  They are mine!"

03      BALANCE OF POWER                                            Feb 29, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Current Pecking Order:  Lister tires of Rimmer's plan to catalog all the
    irradiated haggises aboard Red Dwarf and decides instead to take the day
    off.  Lister complains to Holly that instead of Rimmer, the hologram of
    Kristine Kochanski, a navigator who Lister had a crush on, should have been
    brought back.  Lister goes to Rimmer with the very attractive proposition
    that Rimmer could be shut down for a while so Lister can spend time with
    Kochanski.  (It's attractive for Lister, anyway.)  Rimmer naturally refuses,
    so Lister resorts to desperate measures to take a computer course and become
    the ship's chef, therefore outranking Rimmer.  Holly tries once more to
    dissuade Rimmer from insulting him by replacing one of Rimmer's holographic
    arms with that of Olaf Petersen, a dimwitted Dane and old friend of
    Lister's.  Rimmer is also getting a little desperate, and so he tries to get
    Lister to give up the chef's exam by walking in the guise of Kochanski's
    hologram.  Even that backfires when Lister sees through Rimmer - well, more
    so than usual, anyway!
  Guest Cast:  Rupert Bates (Trout a la Creme/Chef), Paul Bradley (Chen), David
    Gillespie (Selby), Mark Williams (Petersen), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski)


 "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well.  If it's not worth doing, give
                                it to Rimmer."

04      WAITING FOR GOD                                             Mar  7, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Let Us Pray:  When Holly spots an unidentified pod floating through space,
    Rimmer hopes he's found aliens with the technology to return a hologram to
    physical form.  Lister, in the meantime, is learning how to read cat writing
    with the aid of Cat's dictionary, written entirely in smells.  Lister
    advances far enough in the cat language to move on to their Holy Book, which
    tells the story of Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time so that the
    cat race could live.  Lister quickly recognizes from the pictures in this
    book that he is Cloister, who was sentenced to stasis when he refused to
    reveal the whereabouts of his unquarantined cat.  Lister tries to convince
    Cat that he is the cat equivalent of God, though for some reason Cat isn't
    impressed.  Upon the arrival of the mysterious pod, Rimmer decides to embark
    on an all-out investigation of its origins.  Lister quickly discovers that
    it's one of Red Dwarf's own garbage pods, but doesn't tell this to Rimmer
    right away or, for that matter, at all.  Holly has also been hard at work
    deciphering Cat's Bible for Lister, and it reveals that the cat race took
    all too seriously Lister's humble desire to go to Fiji and open a donut
    stand - the cats made this goal their own, with the exception of the colors
    on the little cardboard hats.  Factions who believed the hats should be one
    color or another divided and took up arms, and most of Cat's ancestors died
    in terribly holy wars, with the exception of an ark full of cats which
    escaped.  As Rimmer continues theorizing about his discovery of "Quagaar
    warriors," Lister tries to find Cat so he can apologize for being God.  In
    the end, Rimmer sees it is a garbage pod, says it is a smegging garbage pod,
    and yea, it is a garbage pod, amen.
       Lots of smeggy little tidbits in this story for those who are interested:
    at the time of this episode, 18 weeks had passed since Lister had come out
    of stasis; Cat's parents were a cripple and an idiot (and his father ate his
    own feet), and the last of the cats aside from the Cat we know and...well,
    know, is seen here.
  Guest Cats:  Noel Coleman (Cat Priest), John Lenahan (Talkie Toaster)


                            "Oxygen's for losers!"

05      CONFIDENCE & PARANOIA                                       Mar 14, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Prognosis:  Having gone to the senior officers' quarters to visit Kochanski's
    cabin, Lister has unknowingly wandered into a quarantined area and caught a
    disease which was pneumonia 3,000,000 years ago, but is much worse now.  Not
    only does the mutated strain leave its victims susceptible to hallucination,
    but it can also make those hallucinations real, and it does - when Lister
    imagines the two personas of his own confidence and paranoia.  Rimmer tries
    to convince Lister that the two new arrivals are nothing but trouble, but
    when Lister's confidence treats him like king of the hill, and his paranoia
    irritates the smeg out of Rimmer, how could it get any better than this?
  Guest Cast:  Lee Cornes (Paranoia), Craig Ferguson (Confidence)


            "I don't believe it.  I've been ippy-dippied to death."

06      ME2                                                         Mar 21, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  In Stereo Where Available, Baby:  It could only get better, Rimmer decides, by
    tricking Lister into activating a second hologram which he thinks will be
    Kochanski, but is instead a backup copy of Rimmer himself.  It's love at
    first sight for Rimmer, who moves into the next room with his duplicate.
    But all isn't well - Rimmer's ambition gets the best of him, as does
    Rimmer's amibiton.  In the meantime, Cat leaves a present in Rimmer's closet
    for future archaeologists to puzzle over, while Lister watches a video of
    Rimmer's death and discovers the deadly secret of gazpacho soup, a mystery
    Rimmer took with him to the grave.  But since Rimmer unfortunately didn't
    stay there long, Lister will do anything to find out why his dying words
    were "gazpacho soup."
  Guest Cast:  Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                             Ŀ
                              Series Two - 1988 
                             

          "They're dead."     "My God!  I was only gone two minutes!"

07      KRYTEN                                                      Sep  6, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  This Week on "Androids":  Holly interrupts Rimmer's futile attempts to learn
    Esperanto to inform the gang that he's receiving a real live distress call
    which turns out to be from an android named Kryten aboard a crashed
    spaceship occupied by three lovely women.  But when Red Dwarf arrives to
    save the doomed ship's damsels in distress, they turn out to be very, very
    dead, to the point where even Rimmer can't turn their emaciated heads.  But
    Lister insists on taking Kryten back to Red Dwarf, where the android is
    totally lost until Rimmer gives him a list of chores that mainly involve
    cleaning every inch of the ship.  Lister is determined to make a rebel out
    of Kryten.
  Our Heroes:  Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules
    (Cat), Norman Lovett (Holly)
  Guest Cast:  David Ross (Kryten), Johanna Hargreaves (The Esperanto Woman),
    Tony Slattery (Android Actor)
  The Cast of "Androids":  Android 14762/E, Android 87542/P, Android 442/53/2
    Android 72264/Y, Android 24/A, Android 960212/L


          "Two million years is about average for second-class post."

08      BETTER THAN LIFE                                            Sep 13, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  What Goes Down:  Rimmer upon Red Dwarf's wrestling champion Yvonne McGruder,
    or so he claims; however, let's not get ahead of ourselves here.  A mail
    pod arrives, containing all kinds of junk mail, a few Total Immersion Video
    Games (addictive virtual reality games that sense the player's subconscious
    desires and brings them to life), Rimmer's tax notification, and a letter
    from Rimmer's mother which informs him that his father is dead.  Despite
    Lister's best efforts (and Cat's worst) to cheer him up, Rimmer becomes very
    depressed.  Lister and Cat talk Rimmer into joining them in a T.I.V. game
    known as "Better Than Life," which was all the rage three million years ago
    in Earth's solar system.  They find themselves in a world where their
    innermost desires come true; Lister and Cat find a restaurant where they can
    at last order, respectively, a caviar vindaloo and a tank of live fish.
    Rimmer imagines McGruder, the victim/partner in the one and only sexual
    experience of his entire lifetime, and Cat imagines Marilyn Monroe as well
    as a mermaid whose body is fishlike on top and humanoid below the waist.
    Too much of a good thing, however, is the first half of an overquoted
    cliche', and Lister and Cat haven't counted on Rimmer's self-abusive psyche...
  Guest Cast:  John Abineri (Rimmer's Dad), Debbie Ash (Marilyn Monroe), Jeremy
    Austin (Rathbone), Nigel Carrivick (The Captain), Judy Hawkins (McGruder),
    Tony Hawks (The Guide), Tina Jenkins (The Newsreader), Ron Pember (The
    Taxman), Gordon Salkillo (Gordon)


   "The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear."

09      THANKS FOR THE MEMORY                                       Sep 20, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  A Quick Reminder:  It's Rimmer's deathday, which Lister, Holly and the Cat
    are probably celebrating more elaborately than they would be if it were his
    birthday.  They all get well pissed, but even the worst hangover doesn't
    account for how they wake up the next morning - Lister and Cat each have one
    foot in a cast, Rimmer remembers confessing in a drunken stupor to Lister
    that he's only had sex once with something that wasn't inflatible, there are
    gaps in Holly's memory, and worst of all, someone's finished the puzzle that
    Lister had been trying to finish.  Naturally, the ship's black box recorder
    would have the information they're after, but even this has gone missing, at
    least until it is found buried on a nearby moon.  When they find out just
    what has happened, Rimmer and Lister wish they could just forget all about
    it...
  Guest Cast:  Sabra Williams (Lise Yates)


              "Don't worry.  It's the personality that counts!"

10      STASIS LEAK                                                 Sep 27, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Contents Of Rimmer's Diary:  After Lister discovers an unusual entry in the
    diary of the late Arnold J. Rimmer, a stasis leak is discovered on Red Dwarf
    which allows the guys to visit the past only a few weeks before the accident
    that killed the ship's entire crew.  The catch - they can't bring anything
    or anyone back with them, since the time differential will reduce that
    person or object to a pile of albino mouse droppings.  Lister and Rimmer
    each embark on a quest to convince someone from the past to go into stasis
    and thus join them in the future - Lister, of course, tries to find
    Kochanski.  Rimmer also tries to deliver the message to the person he cares
    about most: himself.  But they discover that smegging about with time can
    have truly bizarre results.
  Guest Cast:  Morwenna Banks (The Lift Hostess), Sophie Doherty (Kochanski's
    Roommate), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski), Richard Hainsworth (The Medical
    Orderly), Tony Hawks (The Suitcase), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Mark
    Williams (Petersen)


         "You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican."

11      QUEEG                                                       Oct  4, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Damage Report From The Damaged Damage Report Machine:  Holly kicks off a
    banner day in Red Dwarf history by neglecting to tell anyone that there's a
    meteor about to collide with the ship.  The resulting collision manages to
    nearly destroy the hologram simulation suite, sending various parts of
    Rimmer's mind and body off in different directions simultaneously, and
    Lister nearly gets electrocuted trying to fix it.  When they return to the
    drive room, a new face appears on the screen - Queeg 500, Red Dwarf's backup
    computer, a supposedly more efficient system with all the caring concern of
    a drill sergeant.  Queeg ousts Holly from the main computer and takes
    control.
  Guest Cast:  Charles Augins (Queeg)


       "I've flamingoed up.  It's like a cock-up, but much, much bigger."

12      PARALLEL UNIVERSE                                           Oct 11, 1988
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
        choreographed by Charles Augins......an example: "Move, sucka!"
  Preface To How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis:  Saving Lister from further
    discussion of Rimmer's maladjusted view of women, Holly announces the
    invention of the Holly Hop Drive, which can instantaneously transport Red
    Dwarf across vast reaches of space, at least in theory.  When Lister
    activates the Hop Drive, Red Dwarf winds up in another dimension parallel to
    Red Dwarf's, but different - the roles of men and women are reversed, and
    Lister, Rimmer and Cat run into another Red Dwarf, occupied by a female
    Rimmer, a female Lister, a female computer named Hilly, and a creature that
    evolved from the ship's dog.  Rimmer is confronted with his sexist alter-ego
    who keeps trying to pick him up by hypnosis, and Lister winds up in bed with
    himself - in a more literal way than usual - and has to contend with getting
    pregnant.
  Our Heroines:  Suzanne Bertish (Rimmer), Angela Bruce (Lister), Matthew Devitt
    (Dog), Hattie Hayridge (Hilly)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                            Ŀ
                             Series Three - 1989 
                            

                      "When in Rome, do as the Snamor do!"

13      BACKWARDS                                                   Nov 14, 1989
        Rolyan Guod & Tnarg Bor yb nettirw
        Eyb De yb detcerid
  Eugolorp Yhtgnel Eht:  Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the
    last human being alive, discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his
    female self in a parallel universe.  His pregnancy concludes with the
    successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexley.  However, because the boys
    were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they
    suffer from highly accelerated growth rates and are both eighteen years old
    within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister
    returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with
    their father (a woman), and are able to lead comparatively normal lives.
    Well, as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and
    your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years old
    three days after your birth.  Shortly afterward, Kryten, the service
    mechanoid, who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed
    vessel, the Nova 5, is found in pieces after his space bike crashed into an
    asteroid.  Lister rebuilds the 'noid, but is unable to recapture his former
    personality.  Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic computer, performs
    a head sex change operation on himself.  He bases his new face on Hilly, a
    female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in love.  And now, the saga
    continuums... RED DWARF III - The Same Generation...Almost
  Tlop Eht:  Whilst giving Kryten flight lessons in the Starbug vehicle, Rimmer
    and the hapless mechanoid wind up diving into some kind of time and
    dimension warp, arriving in a strangely different late 20th-century Earth.
    On this Earth, everything moves backwards - and Rimmer and Kryten are forced
    to use the novelty of being "forward" to land a job at a nightclub.  Lister
    and Cat manage to track the others down, only to find by now that they've
    actually gotten to like the idea of watching ancient history unfold...or as
    the case may be, watching it fold.
  Seoreh Ruo:  Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules
    (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)
  Tsac Tseug:  Maria Friedman (Waitress), Tony Hawks (Compere), Anna Palmer
    (Customer in Cafe), Arthur Smith (Pub Manager)


                    "I'm sure the dog food will be lovely."

14      MAROONED                                                    Nov 21, 1989
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  What's Going To Happen In The Next Five Minutes:  Holly thinks she's spotted
    five black holes, and the guys split up and evacuate Red Dwarf in case it's
    not small enough to escape the black holes' gravity.  Lister and Rimmer set
    out in Starbug, while Kryten and Cat depart aboard Blue Midget.  En route,
    Starbug crashes onto an icy moon, and it's unlikely to be found before the
    meager supplies on board are gone.  Faced with the grave choice of eating
    either a pot noodle or dog food to survive, Lister begins to lose hope and
    body heat.  He asks Rimmer to sacrifice some of his worldly goods to serve
    as firewood - and Rimmer, naturally, refuses.  Lister therefore sacrifices
    some of Rimmer's worldly goods anyway.
  Guest Cast:  none


        "Something that, long ago in history, may well have performed a
       certain popular Jewish operation?  I'm supposed to eat with this!?"

15      POLYMORPH                                                   Nov 28, 1989
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  And Now A Message From The Committee For The Liberation And Integration Of
  Terrifying Organisms And Their Rehabilitation Into Society:  A spacecraft
    tumbles through space adrfit, its cargo of highly dangerous life forms
    having escaped.  The genetic mutant that has freed itself seeks out the
    mentally unstable and the flat-out-neurotic, so naturally it homes in on Red
    Dwarf in short order.  It changes its shape to hide and then to paralyze its
    victims with fear while it drains their negative emotions.  It manages to
    infiltrate Lister's dinner, but it then induces paralyzing fear by turning
    into a monster which fits the rough identikit picture of Lister's worst
    nightmare, and drains all the fear from him.  Rimmer, Cat and Kryten, after
    subduing the now-fearless Lister, set out after the creature, but it manages
    to snare each of them, removing Kryten's politeness, Cat's sense of style,
    and Rimmer's aggressiveness.  Lister is left in a state of suicidal kamikaze
    bravado; Kryten is a tactless, insulting jerk; Cat has changed into some
    comfortable rags and gotten well sloshed; and Rimmer wants to try to
    negotiate with the alien, or, failing that, launch a ship-wide campaign to
    non-violently protest its presence.
  Guest Cast:  Frances Barber (Genny), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Kalli
    Greenwood (Mrs. Rimmer)


      "You want to model yourself on a man who has ears so large they can
                             pick up satellite TV?!?"

16      BODYSWAP                                                    Dec  5, 1989
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Cat's Underwear Bill:  A malfunctioning skutter starts rewiring Red Dwarf,
    resulting in a malfunctioning everything, including the self-destruct system
    which could be connected to anything by now.  As it so happens, the destruct
    system starts counting down when Lister orders a candy bar from the vending
    machine.  Using a "mind swap" to load the personality of one of the ship's
    long-dead senior officers doesn't work, which is just as well - the destruct
    system countdown was activated by the vending machine, but not the explosive
    device itself.  Rimmer later gets the idea of using the same procedure - the
    one with the mind swap, not the bomb - so he could occupy a physical form
    for a brief period, promising to get Lister's body into shape before
    returning it to its rightful owner.  As it turns out, Rimmer has been
    missing all the excesses of the flesh that holograms don't get to enjoy, and
    when Lister demands his body back, Rimmer isn't quite ready to return it.
  Guest Cast:  none


         "You don't just scuffle with the leader of the Third Reich!"

17      TIMESLIDES                                                  Dec 12, 1989
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  On This Day In History:  Lister is approaching suicidal levels of depression
    and boredom with his life aboard Red Dwarf, venting his loathing for life
    upon Cat and Rimmer.  Meanwhile, in the ship's photo lab, Kryten is
    developing photos of a party aboard the Nova 5 when he finds that they have
    sprung into motion.  Repeating the same experiment with other pictures, he
    finds that the lab's developing fluid has mutated over three million years,
    and can now bring photos to life.  He then uses a slide projector to create
    life-size pictures that anyone can walk into, interacting with the subjects
    of photos from any era of history.  Lister decides to go back and visit
    himself as a dismal rock-star-wannabe teenager, taking with him a sample of
    one of the future's most profitable inventions - a Tension Sheet (a square
    of air-bubble packing material painted red with "Tension Sheet" written on
    it) - in the hopes he can pry his junior self away from "the Om song" long
    enough to get him to register the Tension Sheet as his own invention and get
    rich.  When Lister disappears, it becomes apparent that he has changed his
    own future and become a millionaire who never signed aboard Red Dwarf.  But
    Lister's non-existence also erases the Cat and Kryten from the present, and
    Rimmer is left with Holly.  Rimmer decides that it is his duty as a complete
    and utter bastard to set history to rights, unaware that this will bring his
    greatest wish to fruition - Rimmer will once again occupy a tangible body!
  Guest Cast:  Robert Addie (Gilbert), Rupert Bates (Bodyguard), Richard
    Hainsworth (Bodyguard), Emile Charles (young Lister), Simon Gaffney (young
    Rimmer), Stephen McKintosh (Thicky Holden), Louisa Ruthven (Ski Woman), Koo
    Stark (Lady Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones), Mark Steel (Ski Man), Ruby Wax
    (American Presenter), Adolf Hitler (himself)


          "Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!"

18      THE LAST DAY                                                Dec 19, 1989
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Terms Of This Warranty:  A letter arrives from DivaDroid announcing that the
    latest model of mechanoid will be on its way to replace Kryten, who is
    expected to shut down and dismantle himself.  Lister tries in vain to get
    Kryten to rebel against this instruction, but Kryten seems perfectly happy
    and assured of his place in Silicon Heaven.  In honor of Kryten's last day
    online, Lister and the guys throw him the wildest party they can manage on
    short notice and all parties get thoroughly pissed.  The only problem is
    that, if Kryten hasn't been shut down before his replacement arrives, his
    replacement will shut him down in any manner it chooses.  The fact that the
    new mechanoid has gone completely insane over the millenia doesn't help out
    much either.
  Guest Cast:  Robert Llewellyn (Jim Reaper), Julie Higginson (Girl Android),
    Gordon Kennedy (Hudzen)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                             Ŀ
                              Series Four - 1991 
                             

   "Nice?!?  She looks like something that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose!"

19      CAMILLE                                                     Feb 14, 1991
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  The Old, Old Story:  Lister tries once again to teach Kryten to rebel, with
    only momentary success, though it is promising.  Kryten pilots Starbug as he
    and Rimmer go exploring.  When a distress call arrives from someone on a
    doomed planet, Rimmer decides it's too dangerous to investigate, but Kryten
    thinks better of it - and why not, he reflects, when Rimmer's such a smee
    heee?  Kryten finds a female mechanoid in a grounded spacecraft, and he's
    instantly ass-over-nipple-nuts in love.  Curiously, when Kryten brings
    Camille back to Starbug (which she warns him not to do), Rimmer sees a
    beautiful hologram who can actually stand to be stuck in the same ship with
    him.  Naturally, when Camille is introduced to Lister on Red Dwarf, he sees
    Kochanski.  Cat also sees Camille as a life form with the sexiest body he
    can imagine - his own.  Camille is a pleasure GELF, a genetically engineered
    life-form who changes its form to please its users, and expects to earn the
    crew's scorn.  Kryten decides to still be Camille's friend, despite her
    true amorphous appearance.
  Our Heroes:  Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules
    (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)
  Guest Blobs:  Judy Pascoe (Mechanoid Camille), Francesca Folan (Hologram
    Camille), Suzanne Rhatigan (Kochanski Camille), Rupert Bates (Hector Blob)


   "The next thing I knew, my underwear elastic catapulted across sick bay!"

20      D.N.A.                                                      Feb 21, 1991
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Genetic Profile:  At long last, the guys finally encounter a real live alien
    ship - or a ship from Earth that's advanced enough to be alien.  The
    skeletal remains of one otherwise human-looking crew member has two hideous
    bird-like heads.  Lister and Cat find a strange control room, the controls
    of which Cat immediately takes it upon himself to play with.  This has some
    nasty consequences when the room turns out to be a device for resequencing
    DNA, and it turns Lister into a hamster, and then a chicken.  Kryten and
    Rimmer arrive to help, and Kryten figures out how to return Lister to human
    form.  Krtyen is then accidentally turned into a human himself, his greatest
    wish.  Rimmer starts trying to find some cells of his dead body aboard Red
    Dwarf so he can reclone a body for himself, while Lister is having to
    explain every little detail of human lifestyles to Kryten, including why the
    rectal recharge socket doesn't work, and why one should never get a double
    Polaroid over an electrical appliance.  In testing the DNA resequencer
    before running Kryten through it, Lister's mutton vindaloo is transformed
    into a mutant vindaloo big enough to eat anyone who's ever eaten any form of
    curry...
  Guest Cast:  Richard Ridings (D.N.A. Computer voice)


         "You certainly find out who your mates are when you've got an
                       unsightly, disfiguring ailment."
21      JUSTICE                                                     Feb 28, 1991
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  The Sentence:  Lister, whose head has been embarassingly enlarged by a bad
    case of space mumps, wonders why Cat and Rimmer haven't been round to see
    him, when Kryten inadvertently tells him about the escape pod that the ship
    has picked up, which contains either a security guard or an inmate of a
    spaceborne prison whose residents revolted against their keepers, and Rimmer
    starts the pod's cryogenic thawing process in the off-chance that the
    vehicle contains a friendly human female, which, as it turns out, it
    doesn't, although Lister and the others don't realize this as they've gotten
    underway to the aforementioned penal station just in case their new
    passenger turns out to be a homicidal maniac, though they're not counting on
    the station's Justice Computer which metes out punishment appropriate to the
    crimes it discovers in its subjects' memories after a mind scan, and this is
    certainly bad news for Rimmer, who is sentenced to life behind bars for the
    disregard of safety regulations that led to the death of the entire crew of
    Red Dwarf, but Kryten manages to plead Rimmer's case to the Justice Computer
    and gains Rimmer's freedom so they can all head back to the Starbug, which,
    in case you forgot, is where they left an escape pod to thaw out, which it
    has done, releasing a crazed homicidal simulant in the process.
  Guest Cast:  Nicholas Ball (The Simulant), James Smillie (Justice Computer
    voice)
  Note:  Please tell me that someone out there's latched on to the fact that the
    above synopsis following "The Sentence:" is actually one huge run-on
    sentence! <evil grin>


        "That planet is off the table and into somebody's pint of beer."

22      WHITE HOLE                                                  Mar  7, 1991
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Chain of Events:  Kryten commits the most heinous, criminal act ever done
    aboard Red Dwarf - he manages to bring Talkie Toaster, Lister's mortal
    bread-heating enemy, back online.  Not without reason, though - Kryten
    thinks it may be possible to use the same repair method to help Holly regain
    her IQ of 6000 at the cost of reducing her operational lifespan.  The
    procedure works all too well, leaving Holly with a vast wealth of genius and
    only three minutes in which to use it.  To make matters worse, Red Dwarf is
    nearing a white hole which is emitting time, creating disjointed pockets of
    events that haven't happened yet, have already happened, and may not happen
    at all.  Holly's solution is to plug the white hole up by altering the
    orbits of a few nearby planets using a nuclear warhead as the cue ball, but
    Lister insists on making the shot himself.
  Guest Cast:  David Ross (Talkie Toaster)


                     "Smoke me a kipper...can you do that?"

23      DIMENSION JUMP                                              Mar 14, 1991
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  Recipe For Kippers Vindaloo:  In some alternate universe, there exists one
    Arnold Rimmer - an incredibly nice, well-liked guy with guts, bravado,
    skill, decency, an actual sex life, and the nickname "Ace."  (Keep in mind,
    this is an alternate universe we're talking about here.)  Ace signs up to
    test a new spacecraft developed by the Space Corps which can break the
    dimension barrier and send him into parallel universes, and winds up
    slamming right into Starbug, which is carrying Lister and the others to a
    fishing trip they're dreading due to the presence of their dimension's
    Rimmer.  Ace feels it's the right thing to do to help the Starbug crew out
    when they crash into the ocean of a nearby planet, and all of them develop
    an immediate rapport with Ace, with the exception of Rimmer, who's just
    pissed off because no one's ever treated him with the kind of respect and
    admiration Ace has earned.  Ace saves the entire crew and returns to Red
    Dwarf with them when Cat requires emergency surgery.  The "real" Rimmer is
    determined that either he or Ace has to go.
       Whether you've smoked him a kipper or not, Ace Rimmer is back for
    breakfast in "Emohawk: Polymorph II."
  Guest Cast:  Robert Llewellyn (Bongo), Kalli Greenwood (Mrs. Rimmer), Simon
    Gaffney (young Rimmer), Hetty Baynes (Cockpit Computer)


     "You don't know what I did with the dice though, do you?  For all you
     know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, head-butted him on the
      nose and they could have blasted out of his ears. That would've been
                               quite interesting."
24      MELTDOWN                                                    Mar 21, 1991
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Ed Bye
  The Whole Ball Of Wax:  Kryten saves Cat and Lister from the potentially
    lethal boredom of listening to Rimmer's proud reminiscences of Risk games
    played in his youth by surprising everyone with the invention of the Matter
    Paddle, a device found in the ship's labs which can instantaneously transmit
    the molecules of anyone holding onto it across vast distances.  It can also
    locate the nearest suitable environment for its users.  Rather than facing
    the deadly threat of listening to Rimmer's stories anymore, everyone elects
    to find the nearest hospitable planet and do some exploring.  Unfortunately,
    Kryten and Rimmer wind up in a grassy plain being pursued by terribly fake
    prehistoric monsters.  Lister and Cat wind up in the war room of the Third
    Reich, but even stranger things begin to happen - the worst figures of human
    history have somehow combined their talents to make things even worse.  In
    the meantime, Rimmer and Kryten have discovered that the same unusual
    convergence of good and decent historical personalities is taking place, but
    they're being wiped out by history's most hideous.  Rimmer sees this as his
    calling, his destiny, and his chance to put all those Risk skills to
    valuable use.  Unfortunately, for some reason, his army of wax-droids
    programmed with such personalities as Father Christmas, the Queen Mother,
    Ghandi, Elvis, Mother Theresa and Noel Coward doesn't offer much hope of
    victory - or even surviving long enough to retreat.  Lister and Cat escape
    the clutches of Hitler, Rasputin, and others, only to find themselves
    captured by another war-crazed megalomaniac: Rimmer.  It's going to take
    more than brute force to win the war, get the Matter Paddle back from the
    bad guys and escape, and whatever that is, Arnie's army probably doesn't
    have it...
  Guest Cast:  Clayton Mark (Elvis), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Martin Friend
    (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln),
    Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Masson (Stan
    Laurel), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Pauline Bailey (Marilyn Monroe)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                             Ŀ
                              Series Five - 1992 
                             

     "Well, we go for runs...watch gardening programs on the ship's vid..."

25      HOLOSHIP                                                    Feb 20, 1992
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Juliet May
  The Cartoon Before The Main Feature:  Out and about in Starbug, the gang
    encounters a huge hologrammatic starship crewed by only the best and
    brightest holograms Space Corps has to offer.  Needless to say, Rimmer's in
    love.  After a one-man boarding party from the holoship assesses that the
    rest of the Red Dwarf crew are useless, Rimmer is snatched away.  Deciding
    that he too is among the best and brightest, Rimmer petitions for a berth
    aboard the holoship, an honor that will only be bestowed if he proves
    himself more useful than another member of the hologrammatic crew.  Rimmer
    also meets a female member of that crew, whose members are accustomed to
    constant, commitment-free, meaningless, on-demand sex.  Needless to say,
    Rimmer's in love.  Unfortunately, it is this very woman who he must
    challenge for a position - no pun intended - on the ship of his dreams.  And
    she's willing to give anything up so Rimmer can achieve his lifelong
    ambition to be a useful member of somebody's crew.  Needless to say,
    Rimmer's in deep smegola when it comes time to make his decision.
  The Boys From The Dwarf:  Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny
    John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)
  Guest Cast:  Jane Horrocks (Nirvanah Crane), Matthew Marsh (Captain Platini),
    Don Warrington (Commander Binks), Lucy Briers (Harrison), Simon Day (Number
    Two), Jane Montgomery (Number One)


               "You have been found unworthy of having existed."
                             "Is that you, mother?"
26      THE INQUISITOR                                              Feb 27, 1992
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by
  A Horror Tale Told Across The Flickering Embers Of A Midnight Fire Wherever
  Hardened Space Dogs Gather To Drink Fermented Vegetable Products And Compete
  In Tales Of Blood-Chilling Terror:  In deep space, control of Starbug is
    wrested from the gang by the Inquisitor, a deranged simulant who has taken
    it upon itself to remove those it considers worthless from the universe and
    replace them with someone who could've made more of life.  The Inquisitor
    confronts them aboard Red Dwarf, forcing each to justify his existence.
    Rimmer complains that he's lucky to have achieved his esteemed status as a
    corpse-turned-hologram considering his background.  Cat insists that his
    posterior is a work of art and that it'd be cruel to deny the universe of
    it.  Kryten insists that he has behaved as he was programmed but wanted to
    be much more, and Lister tells the Inquisitor to spin on it.  The latter two
    are selected to be removed from existence itself.
  Guest Cast:  John Docherty (Inquisitor), Jake Abraham (Second Lister), James
    Cormack (Thomas Allman)


          "Remember, it's Rimmer's mind out there.  Expect sickness!"

27      TERRORFORM                                                  Mar  5, 1992
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Juliet May
  Kryten's Personal Black Box Recording:  Rimmer and Kryten, who have taken a
    Starbug out to do a bit of moon-hopping, have crash-landed on a psi-moon, a
    self-terraforming world which reconfigures itself to conform to its
    inhabitants' psyches.  Since Rimmer has become the only living being on the
    psi-moon, it has uprooted its surface and turned into the hopeless living
    hell that is Rimmer's miserable personality.  Kryten detaches one of his
    mechanoid hands and sends it to Red Dwarf to get help.  Lister and Cat
    manage to repair Kryten and set out to find Rimmer.  They discover that his
    persecution complex has manifested itself in an insulting, abusive creature
    which is about to torture Rimmer just when he is rescued.  Returning to the
    Starbug, they discover that their escape is entirely dependent on how much
    of a boost they can give to Rimmer's ego.  The guys face their most horrific
    challenge ever - they must look Arnold J. Rimmer in the eye and tell him
    they care about him...
  Guest Cast:  Sara Stockenbridge (Handmaiden), Francine Walker-Lee (Handmaiden)


       "Mr. Flibble is very cross.  You shouldn't have run away from him."

28      QUARANTINE                                                  Mar 12, 1992
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Grant Naylor
  Diagnosis:  The guys take Starbug to search for Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom, a
    brilliant doctor whose hologram may still be functioning aboard her old
    ship.  Rimmer is dismayed at the prospect of recruiting Lanstrom since only
    one hologram can operate aboard Red Dwarf or Starbug at a time.  As it turns
    out, his fears are complete unfounded since Lanstrom turns out to be
    infected with a program corruption called a "holo-virus," and has not only
    gone murderously mad but has also developed telekinesis and various other
    deadly powers.  Luckily for Lister, Cat and Kryten, the holo-virus runs its
    course and destroys Lanstrom, but she has already managed to transmit it to
    Rimmer.  Rimmer confines the others to quarantine when they return to Red
    Dwarf, and begins to develop the same hideous abilities as Lanstrom.  If
    Lister, Cat and Kryten can avoid strangling each other while facing the
    prospects of months of isolation, they might be able to save Rimmer...as if
    anyone would want to.
  Guest Cast:  Maggie Steed (Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom), Mr. Flibble (himself)


          "The actual chances of it blowing are about one in...one."

29      DEMONS & ANGELS          (original title - "High and Low")  Mar 19, 1992
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Juliet May and Grant Naylor
  The Lowdown:  Kryten and Lister are experimenting with the triplicator, a
    device Kryten has adapted from the Matter Paddle which can produce two
    copies of any object; in this case, they're trying it out with strawberries,
    and the device works perfectly, though it somehow produces one divine and
    wholesome copy of the strawberry and another teeming with maggots and
    nastiness (which Lister discovers by biting into it).  Kryten tries to
    reverse the process, and before anyone can sing "Strawberry Fields Forever,"
    the drive room is bursting with explosions and the gang has to beat a hasty
    retreat to Starbug just in case Red Dwarf explodes...which, rather less than
    surprisingly, it does soon after Starbug escapes.  But, to make up for the
    predictability of that, the law of averages takes a snooze as Kryten spots
    two copies of Red Dwarf nearby - which, since he theorizes they were created
    by a freak field reversal in the triplicator, will be a divine, idealized
    Red Dwarf, and the other will be, as Lister puts it, "fish bait."  Seeking
    help from the idealized Red Dwarf, they find four individuals who spend
    their time in pursuit of higher truths and ideologies and spiritual
    fulfillment.  When the "low" Red Dwarf sends out a mayday, our heroes and
    their "higher" counterparts set out to render assistance, only to find a
    trap set by four bloodthirsty, murderous individuals aboard a grungy garbage
    scow of a ship.  If they can survive their "low" selves, the guys may be
    able to combine the two and recreate their own Red Dwarf.
  Guest Cast:  none


  "You helped an enemy of democracy.  She was stealing an apple of the people."

30      BACK TO REALITY                                             Mar 26, 1992
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Grant Naylor
        SSS Esperanto scenes directed by Juliet May
  Game Plan:  Examining the submerged wreckage of the seeding ship Esperanto,
    Lister, Kryten and Cat discover that every form of life they find has
    committed suicide for reasons unknown.  Upon the discovery of a venom with
    hallucinogenic properties, they start high-tailing it back to Starbug,
    unaware that the enormous, New-Mexico-sized squid from which this rather
    disgusting substance emerged is heading for Starbug even faster than they
    are.  Trying to run for it, they are caught in a huge blast of the venom
    and Starbug crashes into the ocean floor.
       When they come to, the guys find that they've been playing a virtual
    reality game called "Red Dwarf" for the past four years, and they aren't who
    they thought they were.  Kryten is a cybernetic traffic cop named Jake
    Bullet; the Cat is Duane Dibbley, a completely uncool individual with no
    style, grace or dress sense, and an overbite that could eclipse most stars;
    Rimmer turns out to be the non-hologrammatic bum Billy Doyle; and Lister is
    revealed to be small-time fascist dictator Sebastian Doyle - Billy's half
    brother.  Things in the real world aren't what they expected, and before
    they know it, our heroes Jake, Duane, Billy and Sebastian wish they were
    back on Red Dwarf.  Since that option seems to be out of the question at
    the moment, they decide that suicide is comparitively painless.
  Guest Cast:  Timothy Spall (Andy), Lenny Von Dohlen (Cop), Anastasia Hille
    (New Kochanski), Marie McCarthy (Nurse), John Sharian (New Lister)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                             Ŀ
                              Series Six - 1993 
                             

           "It's pink and it's moist and it's in my head and that's
                              where it's staying!"
31      PSIRENS                                                     Oct  7, 1993
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Andy DeEmmony
  This Week's "Angling Times" Cover Story:  Lister awakens after 500 years of
    hibernation, finding himself aboard Starbug with Cat and Kryten.  Rimmer is
    rebooted, and Kryten brings everyone up to speed on events.  Red Dwarf has
    been hijacked by an unknown party while Lister and the others were on board
    Starbug.  Since the larger ship is now circumnavigating a large asteroid
    belt, the more maneuverable Starbug has an opportunity to hazard a journey
    through the asteroids and head Red Dwarf off at the pass.
       Upon entering the belt, Starbug enters a graveyard of ships.  A scouter
    survey of one of the dead ships reveals a black box recording of a surviving
    astronaut being killed by a horrifying insect creature known as a Psiren -
    similar to a GELF, but instead of changing its shape to please those nearby,
    Psirens change shape to seduce their prey and then suck their brains out
    with metal straws.  Granted, this may please somebody, but you'd have to be
    really deranged, or an extremist in the field of accupuncture.  The Psirens
    try every tactic to snare individual members of the crew, and one Psiren
    manages to stow away aboard Starbug, where the crew are trapped with it...
  The Few, The Proud, The Dwarfers:  Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles
    (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)
  Guest Cast:  Jenny Agutter (Professor Mamet), Samantha Robson (Pete Tranter's
    Sister), Anita Dobson (Captain Tau), Richard Ridings (Crazed Astro), C.P.
    Grogan (Kochanski), Zoe Hilson (Temptress), Elizabeth Anson (Temptress)
  Guest Hands:  Phil Manzanera


                     "Puncture repair kit on standby, sir."

32      LEGION                 (original title - "Call Me Legion")  Oct 14, 1993
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Andy DeEmmony
  Instruction For Mimosian Chopsticks:  Starbug's supply situation is getting
    desperate, leaving Lister to dine on grilled space weevil (though he doesn't
    know what incredibly unthinkable morsel Kryten has prepared for him), when
    Cat sounds a swirly thing alert based upon his nasal instincts.  Rimmer
    orders this alert replaced by the only slightly more formal blue alert, and
    the intruding object Cat sensed finally appears - a heat-seeking device
    which envelops Starbug in an energy field and drags it into a huge,
    amazingly advanced space station which Kryten discovers is a top-secret
    research facility.  A strange being - half organic, half mechanical - greets
    them by name, bestowing numerous gifts: hospitality, a feast, an impromptu
    appendectomy for Lister, and a hard light system for Rimmer, allowing him to
    touch objects.  Legion does, however, set one condition upon his guests:
    they can never leave his station, for Legion depends on them for his own
    existence.
  Guest Cast:  Nigel Williams (Legion)


      "Lister, she's a computer sprite and surely that's the point - she's
                             just a load of pixels."
                            "Yeah, but what pixels!"

33      GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE                                    Oct 21, 1993
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Andy DeEmmony
  The Yarn:  Starbug has wandered into a rogue simulant hunting zone, where a
    gigantic warship confronts the crew and demands assurances that there are no
    human vermin aboard.  Despite Lister's attempt to bluff his way past the
    simulants by passing himself off as an ambassador of the Vindaloo Empire,
    the simulants board Starbug.  Knocking the crew out for three weeks, they
    also install more advanced weaponry so the Starbug crew can put up a fight
    for the simulants' amusement.  But to the killer mechanoids' surprise, the
    Starbug crew decide to attack the simulant warship.  The simulants, their
    ship heavily damaged, fire the Armageddon Virus at Starbug which locks the
    ship's course on collision with a nearby planet and then renders all systems
    inoperative.  Kryten links into Starbug's computers to absorb the virus but
    winds up incapacitated.  With minutes to spare before crashing into the
    planet ahead, the others try to help Kryten by linking into his mind with a
    virtual reality of the wild west.
  Guest Cast:  Jennifer Calvert (Loretta), Denis Lill (Simulant Captain/Death),
    Liz Hickling (Simulant Lieutenant), Imogen Bain (Lola), Steve Devereaux
    (Jimmy), Robert Inch (War), Jeremy Peters (Pestilence), Dinny Powell
    (Famine), Stephen Marcus (Bear Strangler McGee)


       "He's looking so geeky he couldn't even get into a science fiction
                                  convention."
34      EMOHAWK: POLYMORPH II                                       Oct 28, 1993
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Andy DeEmmony
  The Shape Of Things To Come:  Starbug is hunted by a Space Corps robot law
    enforcement vessel, and after taking several shots from the drone, Starbug
    is forced to land in the ocean in an attempt to put out uncontrollable
    fires.  Unfortunately, Starbug has landed on a planet populated by hideous
    GELFs, and the ship's oxy-generation unit is damaged beyond repair.  As luck
    would have it, though, the leader of the local GELF tribe happens to have
    such a unit handy, and is willing to trade with the Starbug crew.  But what
    he wants in exchange for the OG unit is a husband for the loveliest of his
    three horrifically hairy daughters, an honor he decides Lister is worthy of.
    Lister is persuaded to agree to marry the flea-ridden beauty, and the OG
    unit is given to Kryten.  But when Lister runs for his life to escape his
    honeymoon, the tribal leader sends his pet polymorph after the Starbug crew
    - and only the combined talents of Duane Dibbley and "Ace" Rimmer can set
    things right!
  Guest Cast:  Hugh Quarshie (Computer), Martin Sims (GELF), Ainsley Harriot
    (GELF Chief), Steven Wickham (GELF Bride)


         "You've got the bedside manner of an abbatoir giblet-gutter."

35      RIMMERWORLD                                                 Nov  4, 1993
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Andy DeEmmony
  The Personal Log Of Space Corps Hard-Light Hologram Arnold J. Rimmer:  Starbug
    returns to the rogue simulant warship it fought before, from which Lister
    plans to raid the cargo bays for food.  One of the simulants turns out to
    have survived the previous encounter with Starbug, and it isn't happy.  Any
    exchange of fire on the simulant ship will bring the interior crashing down
    on anyone inside.  For a moment, it looks as though Rimmer might actually
    attempt a daring attack on the simulant from behind, but in reality he's
    just sneaking over to an escape pod, whose launch destabilizes the ship.
    The others scramble back to Starbug and escape, but they're unable to catch
    up with Rimmer's escape pod as it tumbles into a wormhole.  Due to
    relativistic time dilation, by the time Starbug catches up with Rimmer, 600
    years will have passed for him.  In that time, he will found a new society
    all his own...
  Guest Cast:  Liz Hickling (Rogue Simulant)


        "What's his mission, to rid the universe of chicken vindaloo?"

36      OUT OF TIME  (original title - "Present from the Future")   Nov 11, 1993
        written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
        directed by Andy DeEmmony
  The Morale Report:  All trace of Red Dwarf has been lost.  In the meantime,
    Starbug has wandered into a stellar fog concealing a reality minefield,
    which is itself defending something deep within the center of the fog.
    After stumbling through a number of unreality pockets, they reach the center
    of the minefield and find a derelict 28th century spaceship capable of time
    travel.  They steal the time drive and install it in Starbug.  Not long
    after, they are contacted by another spacecraft - another Starbug, this one
    from the distant future, occupied by the gang in their later years, when
    they have been using the time drive for decades to live the high life, but
    their time drive has broken down and they want the present Starbug's time
    drive.  And they're willing to engage their past selves in mortal combat to
    get it.
  Guest Cast:  none

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Ŀ
                         The Craig Charles Incident 
                        

The matter has now been settled, and Charles has been proclaimed innocent of the
charges, but for about a year it looked as though Red Dwarf could well be over.
The following articles chronicle Craig Charles' arrest, his stay in jail, his
trial and finally his release; all were kindly posted by several users of Fido's
WHO echo, and have not been edited in any way, not even for spelling.
   Be forewarned, some of the descriptions in this section are very graphic and
are not suitable for minors, though all the information has already been printed
in public newspapers or transcribed from open broadcasts.
   The story began with an article transcribed by Richard Berger from the London
Sunday Mirror of 10 July 1994...

                        Craig Charles Charged With Rape

   The chubby comedian is accused with another man of subjecting a thirty-eight
year old woman to a four hour sex ordeal. A third man is being hunted.
Charles, 29, stars as space ship crewman Lister in the cult BBC2 series. He
was taken to Vauxhall police station in south London where he was quizzed and
later charged. Charles, who was arrested on Friday night at his home on Tyler
Street, Kennington, south London, was refused bail and is due to appear
before South West Magistrates Court, Battersea tomorrow.

   The assault allegedly occured at an estate in Clapham between six a.m. and
ten a.m. on Friday. The second man, company director John Peploe, 36, of
Crawford Road, Camberwell was also charged and held in custody pending a
court appearance. Scouse comedian, Charles, 29, was briefly married to actress
Cathy Tyson, who starred alongside Bob Hoskins in Mona Lisa. They have a son,
Jack, six. It was Red Dwarf - now filming its sixth series that shot Charles to
fame. Current repeats on BBC2 at nine p.m. on Fridays regularly attract 4.5
million viewers. Charles plays curry loving Dave Lister, the sole survivor of a
space ship disaster. His only companions are a humanoid robot, a hologram of
another crew member and a creature descended over millions of years from the
ship's cat. The trials and tribulations have made Red Dwarf the channel's most
successful programme. When the last series was shown, an average of seven
million viewers tuned in.

                                       ----
                                    (23 July)

Last week, Craig was brought from his cell to face the magistrate. The charges
were formally pronounced, and his application for bail was denied. He burst
into tears at that point, and sobbed openly for the next 45 minutes. According
to reports, a woman sitting in the gallery also began crying and ran out of
the courtroom.

He will be held pending his next court date, which is scheduled for mid-
August. There is no official word from the BBC regarding the status of "Red
Dwarf", although more than one observer thinks that regardless of the
outcome, this marks the end of the series.

                                       ----
From the London Sunday Mirror, 16 October 1994, transcribed by John Denny...

                        Jail Terror Of Red Dwarf Craig

   Red Dwarf star Craig is living in terror after he was attacked by a knife
wielding thug as part of a jail hate campaign against him.  Charles, 30, was
left "freaked-out" and a bundle of nerves after the attack.
   A prisoner at London's Wandsworth jail lunged at the star of the cult BBC
series, but was dragged off before he could stab him.  Charles told a friend,
"It's like hell in here.  A guy jumped me with a blade - it was terrifying."
The visitor said: "Craig was shaking and looked a nervous wreck. He's having a
terrible time inside.  He's been getting a lot of abuse from the other prisoners
because he is a well known face on television.  He is desperate to clear his
name and get out."
   Charles, who has been in custody for three months, is in the tough "A" wing
alongside alledged murderers and suspected drug dealers.  Friends who have
visited the comic said he looked very ill.  He has lost clumps of hair and two
stone (28 lb.) in weight.  "His chubby looks have disappeared," said a friend.
Charles was arrested with company director John Peploe, 36, after being accused
of subjecting a 38-year-old broadcasting student to a four hour sex ordeal.
   Last night a prison insider warned Charles could expect an even tougher time.
"It's not normal to talk about incidents like this because of the code of
silence in jail.  No one wants to be branded a squealer."
   A home office prison spokesman said: "We can't comment on individual cases
but if a complaint is made it will be investigated in the normal way."

                                       ----
Posted on 28 October 1994 by Connie Sharlow...

   For all that don't have Internet connections, you may want to know that Craig
Charles has finally gotten bail.  The man who was jailed on the same charge,
John Peploe, was also bailed. The court date is set in February, according to
all the newspaper accounts.  The news has been on radio, ITV teletext, and most
all the tabloids Britain has to offer, which is quite a few!  For confirmation,
look in the.tv.red-dwarf newsgroup, the group is *choked* with reports quoting
every imaginable story about the release.  Here's one on the ITV text:

   ITV Teletext News report, 25 October 1994:

     BBC Red Dwarf star Craig Charles has been bailed on a rape charge by an
     Old Bailey judge.

                                       ----
Posted on 21 February 1995 by Paul Moore...

                        WARNING: THIS REPORT IS EXPLICIT

   If you do not want to read the details of the case, then STOP READING NOW.

The following is from "The Herald" on the 21st of February 95 and is a report
of the first day's proceedings in the Craig Charles rape trial. I have
reproduced the uncredited report here. People have wanted information for a
while, so I'm leaving nothing out here. If people object to the content of this
report I will not do it again. The story has been given some prominince, with a
page 3 report and large picture of Charles arriving at Southwark Crown Court.
It's pretty hard to tell what to make of it at this is stage; the story seems
very unlike Craig as we know him but also very thorough. If he did it he
deserves all he will get and more. However the last remarks of the
prosecution(below) seem to indicate that there was no actual physical evidence
that intercourse had actually taken place.

                 RAPE TRIAL TOLD HOW TV ACTOR `BOUND VICTIM'
         Woman tells court she was blindfolded by three men and forced
                              to have intercourse
  A WOMAN broke down in tears yesterday as she told a jury how TV star Craig
Charles bound and blindfolded her before she was subjected to a gang rape.
  She said the 30-year old comedy actor had repeatedly told her during her
lengthy ordeal to "talk dirty".  The 38-year old woman told Southwark Crown
court that after the intercourse stopped she was indecently assaulted.
  "It shocked me and I just screamed," she sobbed. She also told how Charles
stood beside her as he and his two friends masturbated.
  The court has heard that the woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons,
was then forced to have oral sex with Mr Charles - a Liverpool-born TV
personality who stars in the BBC2 comedy series Red Dwarf
- and one of the other men.
  The prosecution has also claimed she had cocaine inserted into her vagina and
was also subjected to further indecency with an olive oil bottle and a pen.
  The jury has been told that when Mr. Charles was arrested he protested his
innocence and said the allegations were "groundless".
  Mr. Jeremy Carter-Manning, QC, prosecuting, said: "He was saying he had seen
the woman at his flat but that no sex had taken place."
  Company Director John Peplo, who is also in the dock, told officers the woman
had not been raped.  Mr. Charles, of Tyers Street, Kennington, south London and
Peploe, 36, of Keswick House, Crawford Road, Camberwell, south London, both
deny a joint charge of rape and four join counts of indecent assault last July
8.  The alleged victim told the jury of four women and eight men that her
ordeal began soon after Mr Charles, who was an acquaintance of hers, called
round at her two-bedroom flat in Clapham, south London, at about 6am.
  Mr Charles, dressed in a blue blazer and light coloured trousers, listened
from the dock as she described how she let them in and the returned to her
bedroom.  "I was still half asleep...I felt I was not presentable at that
stage," she said.  The woman said she presumed the men would go into the living
room but instead they had followed her. Peploe was introduced to her as Jack
and the other man as Roger.  After tidying herself up, she went with the men
into her living room and offered to make them tea.
  She claimed Mr Charles followed her into the kitchen and told her he had
brought his friends round so they could have sex with her.
  "I looked him straight in the eyes and I said: `No'."
  She said the actor explained it would not be necessary for her to make love
with all of them, only Roger, who was an "important" man who brought him work.
She refused but after returning to her living room Mr Charles returned to the
topic of sex.  "I was so embarassed I went into my bedroom," she told the jury.
  After calming down, she returned to the other room where, she said, she saw
Mr Charles "snuff" cocaine and give some to his friends.
  She claimed Mr Charles again returned to the topic of sex, despite her
attempts to change the topic. He also tried to get her to read a "dirty
magazine". She again sought refuge in her bedroom but the three men followed
her.  She alleged first Mr Charles and then Mr Peploe started rubbing the
inside of her legs. "Craig was saying how beautiful my skin was," she said.
  A few minutes later, Mr Charles, who she said had taken more cocaine, began
pulling some of her clothes from the wardrobe.  He the returned to where she
was sitting on the bed, prevented her from getting up when she noticed the
other two were masturbating, and then used a white stocking of hers to tie her
hands behind her back.  She said Mr Peploe had helped him.
  "I kept saying `No' and I was crying."
  The woman told the court her knee length ski-type trousers and knockers were
then removed.  She sobbed as she told how someone, she presumed it was Mr
Peploe, had intercourse with her and how she was indecently assaulted.
  Mr Charles, who she said had taken his trousers off, removed her blindfold
and, leaned her against the wall, and began to poke fun at her.
  She claimed he then took her into the other bedroom, helped her to sit on the
floor, and retied her hands in front of her.  She alleged all three men then
stood around her masturbating.  The court has heard how the man identified as
Roger has not been traced.  The woman told a neighbour that Mr Charles and two
other men she did not know had raped her. Police and an ambulance were called
and a woman police officer took the woman to a special examination suite in
Wimbeldon.  However it was not until the following day that she was examined by
a doctor.  "By then she had washed all over with a flannel because she felt
dirty," said Mr Carter-Manning.  He said the woman recounted the previous day's
events to the doctor, who concluded that marks on her body were fresh and were
likely to have been caused in the manner she described.
  Because of the time-scale the doctor's ability to make accurate findings was
"bound to be limited".  Mr Carter-Manning said: "She said there was a
tenderness in the vagina but nothing she found could confirm intercourse within
the previous few hours - there was no semen in the vagina for example."
  The trial was adhourned until today when the woman will continue her
evidence.

                                       ----
Also posted on 21 February 1995 by Paul Moore:

From `The Herald', 21st Feb 95 Page 7
                       WOMAN ACCUSED OF MAKING UP RAPE STORY

A WOMAN was accused yesterday of trying to "destroy" Red Dwarf star Craig
Charles with false gang rape and sex "torture" allegations because she was
jealous of his girlfriend.
During a series of courtroom clashes, the comedy actor's counsel, Mr Stephen
Solley, QC, suggested that the woman's allegations that she suffered a
humiliating orgy for hours were nothing more than a "travesty of the truth".

He said she had even invented a third man attacking her and got so carried away
with her feelings that she described him as looking like Cabinet Minister
Michael Portillo.
The 38 year-old woman, frequently sobbing, repeatedly insisted she had not told
a lie during two days in the witness box at Southwark Crown Court.

She denied "flaunting" herself in a provocative outfit in front of the actor,
trying to pull his trousers off, and willingly commiting sex acts.

The woman, who used to be a dancer in Soho, also rejected a suggestion she had
said to Mr Charles about his girlfriend: "This white woman has really got her
hooks into you. You should not let her ruin your life."

She told tthe jury it was wrong for the barrister to paint her as a woman who
had invented the allegations because she felt "gutted" after "brewing and
stewing" over news of 30-year-old Mr Charles's planned marriage.

She also denied her frequent sobbing while giving evidence was nothing more
than "crocodile tears".
At one stage during cross examination, the woman, a single mother who cannot be
named for legal reasons, became embroiled in a verbal confrontation with Mr
Charles as he sat in the dock.
She had insisted that she had lived with the actor on and off for about two
years.
Accused of lying, she raised her voice and replied: "I did. I did live with
that man."
Mr Charles immediately sprang to his feet and shouted: "No you did not!"

Turning to him she stabbed her finger in his direction and said: "I did. I
cooked for you. I washed your clothes. I tidied up for you. I fed you."

At another point she accused him of being "evil".

Mr Charles, of Tyers Street, Kessington, and company director John Peploe, 36,
of Keswick House, Crawford Road, Camberwell, both south London, deny a joint
charge of rape and four joint counts of indecent assault last July 8.

Thr trial continues.

                                       ----
Posted on 23 February 1995 by John Judge...

A former nightclub dancer refused a morning-after Pill and AIDS advice
following her claim that she was raped by TV star Craig Charles, a jury heard
yesterday.
The 38 year old woman said she could not remember why.

Defence counsel then suggested: "You knew perfectly well there had been no
penetration, no rape and no violence against you."
Under questioning, the woman said she had not willingly taken cocaine on the
day of the alleged attack, or used it since. But she claims to have some with
Charles earlier.
The 30 year old actor, of Kennington, south London, and John Peploe, 36, of
Camberwell, plead not guilty at Southwark Crown Court to rape and indecent
assault at the woman's home. The trial continues.

                                       ----
Posted on 3 March 1995 by keith.wood@almac.co.uk...

I just got in from work & saw the 2pm report on Sky News. They didn't say
how long the jury took to reach their verdict, but the important thing
is that both Craig Charles & John Peploe were found NOT GUILTY of ALL
CHARGES.

It was reported that Charles called for a change to the law, which
would allow the same rights of anonimity for rape defendants, as is
currently given to rape victims.

Film was shown of him making a statement (presumably outside the
court). I am doing this from memory, so it may not be word perfect,
but I think it covers the jist:

"The fact that I, an innocent man, can have my name, address & photo
published on the front page of a newspaper, before the alledged victim
has even signed a statement is wrong. Clearly a change in the law is
required so that rape defendants should have the same rights of
anonimity as rape victims.

"The support I received from the BBC, and from the members of Red
Dwarf, were a great encouragement to me.

"I do not want to discourage geniuine rape victims from reporting what
is a heinous crime.

"I just want be allowed to get on with my life, and work at what I do
best."

Like I said, this is from memory, and probably isn't word perfect (or
necessarily in the right order), but I think you can get the point.

                                       ----
Posted on 4 March 1995 by Paul Moore...

In case you missed it, Craig Charles is a free man.

More details on Craig Charles' being cleared. Almost every paper here in the
UK is reporting the story, with front covers on three papers I saw today (Sat
4th March); The Daily Star reported that his `career is ruined' on the front
cover, the (Scottish) Saturday Times had the story, concrentrating on his
demands for anonymity, and the Daily Express also carried the story on its
front cover. The Herald had a large photo and story, and The (Scottish) Daily
Record had the following to say:

              Red Dwarf Star Weeps As He's Cleared of Sex Ordeal

                       TELLY COMIC CRAIG BLASTS RAPE SLUR
                        My months of Hell branded a beast

Record Reporter

ANGRY Red Dwarf star Craig Charles yesterday demanded anonymity for rape case
defendants.
The 30-year old actor hit out after being cleared of a gang rape. He blasted
police for bringing the case to court as he bitterly told of his months of
hell in jail.
And he hit out at his ex-girlfriend for making up the rape story.

The 38 year-old former Soho stripper said she suffered a five hour rape ordeal
at the hands of Charles, his pal Jack[sic] Peploe, 37, and a third man at her
London flat.
Charles broke down in tears and embraced Peploe as they were unanimously
cleared to cheers and clapping from the public gallery.

And later, on the steps of Southwark Crown Court, he said:

"This has been the end of a nine-month nightmare for me and my family. For
three and a half of those months I was locked up 23 hours a day and forced to
urinate and defecate in a bucket in front of other people. What is so
horrendous is that all the lies the so-called victim told in court were easily
revealed under cross examination and were therefore there for any fair-minded
police officer to see."
He added: "The jury took just one and a half hours to decide. This case should
never have come to court and it was, as the judge said, a lamentable effort by
the police to investigate such serious allegations against me. As an innocent
man I am apalled by the publicity this case has brought."

Charles called for a change in the law so rape defendants aren't named unless
they are convicted.
He said: "That my name and address along with my picture can appear on the
front of the papers before the so-called victim has even signed a statement
proves that anonymity for rape defendants is a must and that the law must be
changed."
But he added: "However, I hope the publicity does not deter genuine rape
victims from reporting what is a heinous crime and a crime against humanity."

The Liverpool-born actor was granted legal aid for his defence because the
rape claims virtually bankrupted him.
TV work dried up after his arrest and a new series of the BBC 2 cult comedy
Red Dwarf was put on hold pending the outcome.
Both he and Peploe had protested their innocence from the moment they were
arrested.
They said that on the night they had called at the woman's flat they were
hoping for a "bacon butty" after a night out.
But she was angry that Charles was planning to marry his latest girlfriend,
Linda, and she became "sexually agressive".
While they all took cocaine, she put on a succesion of seductive clothes,
finally ripping off her knickers and shorts and abusing herself with various
items.
The police handling of the case in the early days came in for severe
criticism.
The judge said a 30-hour delay before the woman was seen was lamentable.

                        [BOXOUT] SCALLY IMAGE UNDER FIRE

SCOUSE poet and comic Craig Charles was happy to call himself "the scally in
your alley".
But yesterday he faced questions over his image as a likeable rascal.

Some of the Liverpool telly star's associates believe evidence he gave in
court may damge his prospects.
Charles, who protested his innocence from the start, was forced to talk
publicly about his lifestyle.
And despite the verdict, it is doubtful whether his career as a youth tv star
and "street cred" guru can survive the revelations.

Charles talked about spending time in Soho all-night bars and playing pool in
pubs like the one near his South London home.
He also made it clear that he used drugs including cocaine and canabis,
although he said: "This will be the last cocaine I ever take, believe me."

There's not a lot to add to that, The Herald quotes Grant Naylor productions
as being delighted with the verdict, and that they were hoping to get under
way with a new series of Red Dwarf as soon as possible.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                         Ŀ
                          Red, White and Blue Dwarf 
                         

   "Parallel universes or time warps...black holes...you know, space stuff?"

  (First American Pilot Episode)
        written by Linwood Boomer
        directed by Jeff Melman
  What's Different:  Quite a lot, but perhaps not as much as one might expect.
    The major changes occur in the cast.  Lister, in the U.S. version, is white,
    more or less clean-cut aside from a bit of five o' clock shadow, not at all
    the slobbish Lister of old.  The closest Bierko's Lister comes to the
    original character is a trace of laziness, a Kochanski fixation, and bucking
    Rimmer's authority.  He also doesn't appear to be anything like out of shape
    or unkempt.  Rimmer, on the other hand, is barely even a player in the cast
    - and his banter with Lister, which was the heart and soul of the BBC's
    series (and arguably still should be), is barely present at all, certainly
    not with the lethal volleys of acid wit with which Craig Charles and Chris
    Barrie won a massive audience.  Cat shows promise, but isn't explored enough
    to see just which way that promise goes; Hinton Battle didn't seem to
    "preen" as much as Danny John-Jules.
       Jane Leeves, known now for her role on NBC's "Frazier" as well as her
    introduction to many Stateside viewers as one corner of the Taster's Choice
    coffee love triangle advertising campaign, is a passable Holly, and she
    shows a *lot* of promise after 3,000,000 years pass (no offense, Jane!)!
    Christine Kochanski (Linwood Boomer must've missed the giant initials "K.K."
    from the "Better Than Life" novel) is drastically changed - unfortunately
    into an all-too-typical blue-eyed blonde whose entire opinion of the
    noncommital Lister is turned around completely by his refusal to turn
    Frankenstein the cat over to the ship's captain (who has also undergone a
    change or two).  Winning her heart is still Lister's motivation, but give us
    C.P. Grogan any day...
       Kryten is played by the original cast's Robert Llewellyn in much the same
    manner, but of course fans of the BBC's Red Dwarf will be a little surprised
    to see his function in what amounts to a rewrite of "The End," which had no
    Kryten in its original incarnation.  He does have the same "jerky middle
    name," however, and gets one really hilarious line in (Lister: "You've been
    sitting here [dismantled in the ship's lab] for three million years?
    What've you been doing all that time?"  Kryten: "Reading that 'fire exit'
    sign [over the door - it simply reads 'fire exit']...it's given me a lot of
    solace over the years.")  Craig Bierko has actually found work since this
    pilot, and is currently a regular on the sitcom Pride & Joy on NBC.
       What remains the same: since the only existing version of this is a
    presentation for prospective commercial backers, the BBC's special effects
    shot were slotted in for transition shots.  It is unknown whether these
    would have been used had the series made it past the pilot stage, though it
    is interesting to note that the computer screens on the bridge display a
    rotating 3-D "wire frame" graphic of the Red Dwarf as seen in the original
    series.  And that brings us to the bridge - as well as the bunkroom.  These
    sets are almost *identical* to the BBC's third series sets, it's uncanny!
    It also gives one a fair idea of budgeting for the U.S. pilot - the sets may
    have been considered *cheap* by the American producers, while building their
    British counterparts was quite an item in the BBC's budget for the show.  As
    a curious footnote - the sets HAVE made it to the airwaves, as the flight
    deck of the doomed spaceliner in the doomed Fox Movie of the Week "Lifepod."
       Also, about one-third of the script, surprisingly, remained untouched.
    Both Lister and Rimmer used the word "smeg" in the course of the episode,
    and even more amazingly, in the opening moments a lazy skutter gives Rimmer
    the bird!  In one really surprising instance, the American script gets a
    bigger laugh than its British forebear.  "The End" features a line where
    Rimmer, when trying to describe the feeling of death to Lister, says it's
    "like being on holiday with a group of Germans."  In the U.S. version, this
    line is changed to "It's like being at an Amish bachelor party!"
       But we can't let it get away with a completely glowing review.  There are
    some problems as well, including a horrible $50-Casio-portable-keyboard-demo
    theme song and an only marginally more listenable score by Todd Rundgren (I
    hope this just means he was paid a pittance to do this, we know he can do
    better than that!).  Cat and Rimmer are given little time to develop their
    characters, which is not a good omen since the original Red Dwarf's main
    point of character study was the constant banter between Lister and Rimmer.
    Also, some bits of the script - you know it had to happen - ended up getting
    "Americanized" so the audience could keep up with it (time and time again,
    how often do we have to tell U.S. TV producers that we can keep up with the
    British version just fine, otherwise how'd the show get such a following?!),
    including one line from Lister that after 3,000,000 years, his baseball
    cards will be worth a fortune.  Also jettisoned from the script was the idea
    of Lister being God to the Cat's ancestors - it was barely even paid mention
    in this incarnation.
       Interestingly enough, a "Captain Tau" character appears in the "real"
    Red Dwarf's sixth series episode "Psirens" - albeit in a far more brief
    appearance than the completely unrelated character in this story - just in
    case anyone wants to keep track of these weird little coincidences in their
    futile attempts to prove international entertainment industry conspiracies.
       Oh, and the American producers ripped off the far-too-speedy-"Star Wars"-
    style-scrolling-introduction gag from "Backwards," too.  It went something
    like this:
  The Lengthy Prologue:  RED DWARF - The story so far...by the latter half of
    the twenty-second century, huge space cruisers powered by hydrogen ram-jet
    drives had colonized the outer fringes of our solar system.  Human kind was
    poised to explore the dark mysteries of deep space.  We wish we could have
    told you stories about these brave men and women, but we couldn't afford it.
    Instead, what you're getting is this.  This is the story of a beat-up old
    mining ship which ambles between Earth and the moons of Saturn, transporting
    raw materials which are someone.  Is it just me, or does this sound really
    tedious?  No one's going to like this.  A show about people who move rocks
    from planet to planet?  Intergalactic rock movers?  Who are we kidding?  I
    didn't even want to be a writer.  Do you realize how hard it is to type this
    fast?  My fingers are bleeding.  Uh oh.  Looks like we're slowing back down.
    I'd better start making sense again, so all the cheapos who don't have a VCR
    with freeze-frame will think they really missed out on something important.
    Ahem......which you really need to know to understand this story.
  Our Heroes [in another life, maybe]:  Craig Bierko (Lister), Chris Eigeman
    (Rimmer), Jane Leeves (Holly), Hinton Battle (Cat), Robert Llewellyn
    (Kryten)
  Guest Cast:  Lorraine Toussaint (Captain Tau), Elizabeth Morehead (Christine),
    Michael Heintzman (Munson)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                Ŀ
                                 Singing Cats: 
                                 "Tongue Tied" 
                                

   Perhaps the most blatant attempt to cash in on Red Dwarf's success prior to
the storm of ill publicity surrounding Craig Charles' arrest, Danny John-Jules
recorded several versions of the song "Tongue Tied" (heard originally as the
opening dance number in "Parallel Universe") for CD release and then starred in
the accompanying video.
   While it's pretty amusing to hear Danny affect an "unrefined" accent and play
the part of a daydreaming janitor in some manner of television studio, you'd
better be into Danny, Red Dwarf, this song in particular, and/or unabashed
dance-pop music to enjoy this.  You'd better be REALLY into one or several of
those things.  If not...well...Craig, Chris and Robert show up near the end and
say funny things whilst wearing tuxedos.
   Amusingly enough, you may also spot another familiar face in the course of
this video.  It's none other than Charles "Queeg" Augins, who choreographed the
original "Tongue Tied" dance number for its appearance in Red Dwarf; though he
didn't tell anyone to "Move, sucka!" this time around, he still made an
appearance in the course of the video, amidst a sea of ersatz faces of Holly.
Stop shirkin' and start workin'!
   The song itself?  Well, the two lines sung by Clayton Marks, reprising his
Elvis role from "Meltdown" (by the way, impersonating Elvis is what Marks does
for a living - odd, eh?) are probably the funniest thing on here.  There are
"dance" and "reggae" mixes which really don't strike my fancy - but then I'm not
the house music type to begin with - but the "regular" version, while very
different from the song as it was originally heard on Red Dwarf, isn't all that
bad.  And it's a relief to finally see the Cat appear in this damned tape you've
just spent however much money on, thinking it's some kind of Red Dwarf item! <g>
   I think I better dance now.


  all text in this file copyright 1994, 1995 Earl Green - all rights reserved
