Nothing exciting is happening in PLA Land. El_jefe, apok0lyps and z3nsless loaded up their gear and moved to Corpus Christi, Texas to mingle with the dead jelly fish and drunken mexicans at 7-Eleven. Me & Colleen & Emily have relocated to Celina, Ohio just in time for the -172 degree winter. The police seem to have given up finding those kids in the boatyard.

The time is almost here for the newest edition of the Phone Loser's quarterly phone directory so submit your new phone numbers today. Since people only like to submit numbers for the loser list, I've thought up a nifty new requirement- if you want to submit a loser, you also gotta submit two pay phone numbers for each loser. There, that'll teach you people. All numbers are verified so just try to pull a fast one on me. I hope you all hate this issue and quit reading PLA forever. -RedBoxChiliPepper

GERALDO (turns to introduce guests): This is Tsumushima Shumora, (stutters) no, I mean Tmususoto Shimora...I...(laughs). How DO you pronounce your name?

SHIMORA: I'm not really sure.

GERALDO: Well, Shimora is the author of the best selling book, Takedown, an autobiography which details Shimora's relationships, work life as a computer security expert, ski trips, favorite coffee shops and in the last couple chapters, the pursuit and capture of world-famous computer hacker, Kevin Mitnick.

SHIMORA: Well, actually it's a- (gets inturrupted by Geraldo)

GERALDO: Whatever. (introducing second guest) And here we have famous mid-western computer hacker, Phillip, who goes by the aliases Lax Vaxen & Mr. Hack and heads one of the more elite underground groups in the United States known as the NOC Hackers. Phillip is going to demonstrate just how simple it is to aquire information that most of you consider to be private.

PHILLIP: Well, I've accessed a highly secret system on the information superhighway that allows computer hackers to talk to each other. There's a problem, though, because I keep losing my connection.

GERALDO: And what exactly do you talk about once you've accessed this computer?

PHILLIP: Oh, you know...how to break into other systems and how to hack boards and make red boxes and blow things up and stuff like that.

GERALDO: Red boxes?

PHILLIP: Yeah, it's a little device that makes secret tones to fool pay phones into thinking you've put in money. (Pulls a red box out of the front of his pants and holds it up for the audience to see.)

GERALDO: Could we hear the tones that this box makes?

PHILLIP: Well, it doesn't work right now because I haven't figured out how to solder the new illegal crystal in and I keep melting the circuit boards but when I finally get it, I'll be able to make free calls.

GERALDO: That's, uh, interesting. Our next guest, who we'll call Jim, wishes to remain anonymous. He says that computer hackers have made a mess of his life after he engaged in a war on a local computer service with hackers.

GERALDO: And the police could do nothing?

JIM: No, when I called the police, they looked at my name on their computers which told them I was wanted in 36 states for assault with a deadly penis. I'm still on probation for that and I'm not even responsible.

GERALDO: (gets that dramatic look on his face) Not even responsible. After we come back, you'll meet FBI agent Mike Buford who'll tell you what's being done to put a stop to this kind of electronic terrorism on the information superhighway.

MIKE: Well, Geraldo, I can't really say anything about that because it's a secret.

GERALDO: Then why are you on this show?

MIKE: Well, me and my wife were planning on taking a vacation out this way and when you offered to fly me out for free, how could I resist?

GERALDO: (gets a pale look on his face) ...Let's take a few questions from the audience. (runs out into the audience and hands the microphone to a lady)

LADY: Yes, my question is for Phillip...By watching you type there, I noticed that my 10-year-old daughter types faster than you. Does this make you feel stupid and are you equally slow in other aspects of life?

PHILLIP: Hey, shut up. [laughter from audience]

GERALDO: (runs over to a man with greasy hair and a fishing cap.) Yes, how about you, sir?

MAN: My question is for "Jim" - yeah, did they have a cellyalur phone or caller I.D? Because the little cocksuckers that were on my fuckin' cordless phone were sitting in a goddamn van across from my fuckin' house and they were using computers and cellyalur phones to tap my number.

JIM: (breaks down crying) Yes! It was the cellular operator that called us for over a month straight! (sobbing) Eventually we knew all of the cellular operators by name. It was horrible. I'm not sure about the caller I.D., though.

MAN: Yeah, well all these little jackoffs could do was play their stupid fucking games and I said, hey, come down here and I'll give you a hundred dollars but they never showed up.

JIM: Sir, not to be rude or anything, but exactly what year of grade school did you drop out of?

MAN: Yeah, like your the first fuckin' person to say that to me.

SHIMORA: Geraldo, I'd just like the audience to know that me and my girl- friend did eventually get back together and we're doing great now and we plan to get married in about two years.

GERALDO: Who cares, Shimora? (agreement from audience)

GERALDO: Phillip, do you ever feel that you're intruding on people's privacy when you hack into a system and retrieve all of their personal information.

PHILLIP: No, I think what I do is protected by the 1st amdendment in the Declaration of Independence, and besides, I can't always get all of their personal information because they might not be listed in the phone book and my CD-ROM phone books only give out their name, address and phone number. Then I have to call the people a social engineer their credit cards and stuff out of them.

GERALDO: And this works?

PHILLIP: Not yet, but I'm getting real close.

GERALDO: Phillip, I want you to pull up my personal credit history as an example of just how easy it is for a high school kid to infiltrate today's supposedly secure system.

PHILLIP: Okay, I'll get right on it.

GERALDO: We've gotta take a break now. When we return, you'll meet AT&T spokesman, John Moro. After this.

JOHN: Oh, I'd say around $893 billion or so. Down two percent since last year. See, people expect a convenient phone system that's totally secure and impenetrable to anything and that's just not possible these days with such rapidly advancing technology. No matter how secure we make the system, there's gonna be holes in it.

GERALDO: John, are you really a spokesman for AT&T?

JOHN: ...Well, no, actually I'm just the night janitor over at the main office. See, they're a little short-handed this week and they asked me to fill in for John. My name's actually Ed. Hell, last week I was mopping with one hand and answering directory assisstance calls with the other. The hours are good, though.

GERALDO: I see, well you're what I'd consider an inside source, then. What do you see happening there? Do you think the phone company takes the proper precautions to protect against hackers?

ED: Well, Geraldo, no I don't and I say this mostly because I'm pissed at Robert because he keeps putting his chewed gum underneath his desk and it's a sumbitch to scrape off. Other than that I'd say they're secure.

GERALDO: Ed, you're not operating on all six cylinders, are you? ...(turns to Phillip) How's my credit history coming along, Phillip?

PHILLIP: It's no good, you're unlisted.

GERALDO: Unlisted? I thought you hackers were supposed to be able to get unlisted privelidged proprietary information. Why can't you get my credit report? Do you even have my phone number yet?

PHILLIP: Just give me some time! I don't work well under pressure.

GERALDO: (covers the microphone and mutters something to Phillip.)

PHILLIP: Hey, fuck you! I'm not a hacker, okay?!?! I'm nothing but a lame wanna-be anarchist! I admit it, alright! Here, take your computer and shove it up your nose! (Phillip picks up the monitor and throws it at Geraldo's face, probably breaking his nose.)

The rest of the show was nothing but a test pattern so I can only assume that the cable company was having problems or something. It was storming outside.

While living in Corpus Christi, I called el_jefe and we decided to call Dino Allsman but both of us had lost his phone number. So we called his wife, Shana's, work and told the person there that I was Shana's dad and it's an emergency that I get her phone number. The stupid blonde working there says, "Sure!" and gives me the number. We tell her how incredibly stupid she is and hang up.

Dino wasn't quite as agressive as we remembered him. Maybe we just wore him out or something. We called him up and started our usual lame barrage of "Roy! Roy!" and "How's the cordless phone, Dean-o," etc. and he didn't spend much time with us, just called us motherfucking cocksuckers a few times and slammed down the phone. Stupidly, I didn't tape any of it.

That was the end of that. A few months later when we left Corpus and visited East Alton again, I did alot of cordless listening hoping to once again hear Dino and perhaps even create a sequel to the story, but he never came on. I did hear some little kids making prank calls, though, which was kind of funny.

A year passed and once again we stopped by East Alton on our way to Ohio. On the very last day we were there, I turned on my scanner and guess who I heard? Shana! And what was better is that she called Dino and they had a fight. I guess Dino was at a drinkin' buddy's house or something and Shana called him to yell at him because he always spends all their money by cashing checks at Schnucks. She asked what the hell he wrote a check for $15 for and he claimed it was for a gallon of anti-freeze. (About $3.99 for most people.)

The argument climaxed and right around the end Shana says, "Dino, I need to know where you and me stand...I need you to meet me half-way here... ..... ...Dino?..." And he replies (and I swear I'm not making this up), "Hold on, I gotta find my cigarettes." The conversation ended abruptly shortly after that.

Not much more news since then. We left town that day and we'll probably check in on him again. Someone should open an ISP across the street from Dino, perhaps in the church, then set up a RealAudio stream of all cordless phone activity in that area. That would rule. Anyone who does that get's a free PLA t-shirt.

Dino sound clips are now available for you to listen to by pointing your browser at http://www.bright.net/~bac/heardino.html or you can follow the link from PLA's main page. Listen to Dino calls us jackoffs, hear him threaten us with his 12 guage, cower in fear as he dials the authorities on us.

EDDIE: 7-11, What?
JARED: That was rude, can I speak with your manager?
EDDIE: No he aint here.
JARED: How do you sleep at night knowing what you do
       to those little girls, do you realize what their
       lives will be like for the rest of there lives?
EDDIE: What little girls, what the fuck are you talking about?
JARED: Didn't you think that maybe one of those little girls
       has a brother?
EDDIE: I didn't do jack shit, stop calling me mofo. or I'll
       kick your ass.
JARED: Over the phone?
EDDIE: I get off at ten you meet me outside if you have some
       kinda problem with me.
JARED: I'm gonna bring you down mother fucker, Im gonna rip
       off your head and piss in the stump, I'll fuck your mother
       so hard that you'll be out of a job.
       

By this time it was about 9:15, Peter's got some strict parents so I had to get him back home. On the way we decide to stop off at the 7-11 at Olive and Fee-Fee, to get a look at Edie.

In the parking lot there were four police cars, and a few of my friends' vans. My friend tells me that his friend Edie who works there was being harassed, and that he's afraid to walk home.

Peter and I say bye to our friend and continue into the store. There we find a tall skinny black man, real sickly lookin, with skelotone make-up that had run down from his eyes. He was crying. But he had stopped now and he was bragging to this girl we know, "Mother Fucker must have a death wish threantin my death."

Peter says, "You mean 'life', threatining your life, or a death threat."

Peter has a lot of Balls (13, in fact)

He told his side of the story to us, I was about to throw up out of fear of the cops outside, and at how he was ruining my story. So Peter shook his hand and we left. The next day at school Everyone was talking about boy Eddie and how someone wants him dead.

I later found out that the story did not end there. As it turns out Eddie had had some of his friends hanging out in the back room smoking some pot earlier in the evening. They were apparently sloppy and left some roaches on the bathroom sink. Well, one of the many cops that I puppeteered into going to 7-Eleven that evening found the leftovers. Eddie now works at Venture. This is not the end.

When you stop and there are cars next to you (also stopped) there are alot of fun ways you can be a little bastard. Take some honey (or other sticky substitute) and pour it on their windsheild. When they wonder what it is, and turn on the wipers, all hell breaks lose. It smears and they can't see! (If you've poured enough on) They'll probably drive anyway, not knowing that they just drove over a dog, cat and senior citizen.

Fill up a powerful squirt gun (a super soaker XP 257 sprays like a hose and kicks ass if you can smuggle it on the bus) with ketchup or mustard or other condement. Find some poor sap with a business suit and his/her car window down and yell, "Hey, Mr/Mrs! Bark like a dog and sqawk like a chicken or I'll make it look like your a very messy eater!" If he's smart, he'll do it. If he trys to put up his window, let that XP rip. This way is even better cause it gets on his window and him. Here's another catch. After he's done sqawking, spray him anyway. This puts him in a very bad mood for the rest of the work day.

Next, go to your local store and buy fake vomit, gak, slime, etc, roll them up into little balls and when the cars are zooming past you in the opposite direction, fling them right out in front of you and let the other car catch them. This should make them screw up their driving and go off the side of the road, into the later half of your bus, or (even better) crash into your school.

Have any leftover food? Throw that have bitten apple at the old lady crossing the street, that pudding cup on your principal's head, a bannana right in front of that happy-go-lucky jogger (this one takes real skill), and watch as they chase after you in vain with their cane, pencil, headphones, etc..

Write signs like "There's a BOMB on our bus and THAT'S why we're going so slow!" or "This bus driver takes us to a cabin in the mountains and BEATS us!" This will surely get paranoid loyal citizens to run to the nearest pay phone to box a call to get you and your abusive bus driver some help.

Rapidly lick the windows and make horny gestures to the poor people behind you. This is great for older people.

Just stare at the people behind you. They can't help but look back every now and then to see if your still staring. It drives them nuts.

Like Beavis & Butthead did, moon the other drivers by sticking your ass in the window and watch them hurl.

Ask all truck drivers to pull the horn. One time we did this and our driver almost drove of the side of the road.

Yell to some dude on the sidewalk or in a vehicle, "Hi Uncle Ron! Hows Aunt Pattie? Does she still drink out of the toilet? Did you ever get that hamster out of your ass??" If they have name tags, even better.

Yell to a stupid schmuck who bought that god-awful McDonalds coffee or other breakfast food, "Ya, Ah youst ta work at Mceedees! They put all sorts o hair in their coffee. They also put spider eggs in their cinnamon rolls and kitty liter in their hash browns!! Some guy even found a finger in one o dem breakfast burritos..." No matter how hungary they are, they won't be able to eat another bite and they'll put some hair in their coffee so they can sue Mc's.

Find some gang members who are sitting there loading up some guns and yell, "Bamm........Ya g! You ain't no homie from the hood!! Oh ya, AND I DID YOUR MOMA!!" Keep this up until they spray your bus with an uzi.

Find some hics in a 4x4 truck and yell, "Ya..uh..You..uh..Yoo stuphid bastard!! That peice oh shit is nothin compared to what ah got!! Why don't you test my sayin and we'll RAM!" He'll ram your bus, hopefully, and either your bus will withstand it and you can then get him to do it again, or you'll both cause a major traffic jam, and a few extra deaths/injuries.

You know that pesky emergency door in the back? Well, when you've beaten the alarm, just wait till you're stopped, and jump out. Or you can jump while the bus is moving and that semi is behind you, if you don't feel you have alot to live for. Another thing is to open it up and throw other students out. (Great for getting rid of enemies)

If the driver has a little cup handy to keep water, pepsi, exlax, etc.. Pour hard liqour into this. When they come come to your stop she'll be like "AH AIN'T PULLIN THIS BUS OVER!!" (swig,swig) "WE'RE GOING TA TEXAS TO SEE PAPPY AND MOMMA!!" This is also hilarious until you realize she won't make it to texas without crashing through a few biuldings. If your lucky, she'll pass out and you can drive.

When there is a Semi behind you and your on the freeway, yell to the bus driver "Hey OH MY GOD!! THERE IS A LITTLE BOY/GIRL/BABY/PUPPY/(other) IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD DEAD AHEAD! STOP THE BUS!! QUICK!" Either she'll stop and the semi will propell us to flip, go on, or if the bus is sideways when she tries to miss the invisible infant, it will seperate us in half. (COOL) Or she won't stop. In this case, make two large thumping noises and watch her eyes get real big, and then she'll open the door and jump out, sacrificing herself for her bad, bad deed.

Take a bunch of marbles and just dump them on the floor. They should travel all the way up to the bus drivers seat. This will create a neat effect. She either won't be able to step on the brakes or will just totally freak and drive into some elderly home.

By now you should have either been banned from all the buses or killed in an accident. Hope your not the latter and you enjoyed this peice of crap file..

This file is for humor purposes only. Blah Blah Blah. I really don't expect you to open the back door and fling people out of it. But that makes your day, be my guest.

What : A computer/telephony/security conference.
       (show this part to your boss.)

Where: Fort Brown Hotel, Brownsville Texas.

When : 28 & 29 December, 1996

Who  : The usual gang of cretins.

Why  : It's winter, and it is 12 degrees outside.  The
       dumpsters are frozen shut, and there are icicles
       on the payphones.  Brownsville is at the Southern-
       most tip of Texas, right up against...Mexico.  Yes,
       Mexico, land of cheap cerveza, four-dollar strippers,
       and liberal drinking laws.  Mexico, where you too
       can own your very own Federal law enforcement
       official for a fistful of pesos.

       

The con room or as the hotel named it, almost seems like for us, The "fortress room" is ours on Satruday until 4pm, and all day Sun. If there is a problem with regards to the 4pm Saturday issue, they will set us up at the convention center free of charge , but that is away from the hotel, so we are hoping there after 4pm crap will clear up and let us in. We are going to get it opened on Friday night so we can hang around in it.

Brownsville is right on the Mexican border, adjacent to the Mexican town Matamoris. The Gulf of Mexico is 25 miles away. Brownsville has a population just over 100,000. The police force includes 175 officers, and a wide variety of federal law enforcement agencies have a strong presence there as well. The climate is semi-tropical, and the RBOC is SouthWestern Bell.

Matamoris is the other half of brownsville. Home of over 1/2 a million people, it is known since the early 1900's as a pit of sin. The federale's are not to be fucked with and it is serviced by TelMex. It is known for it's bars, strip clubs and Mexican food. Matamoros also has an airport in case you live in Mexico and care to go, via Aeromexico.

Directions:
In Texas Driving - Go anyway you can to get to US 77 South. Take 77 South till it ends in Brownsville. From there you will turn right on International. Proceed all the way down international, right before the bridge, turn left. The Fort Brown will be on the left.

For those flying in - We are going to try to have a shuttle going. Also just tell the cab driver, Fort Brown.

"I attended the CuervoCon 95. I found many people there who, fearing a sunburn, wanted to buy my t-shirts!" -ErikB

"I tried to attend, but was thwarted by "No Admittance to The Public" sign. I feel as though I missed the event of the year." - The Public

"mmmm...look at all the little Mexican boys..." -Netta Gilboa

"mmmm...look at all the little Mexican boys..." -Emmanuel Goldstein

"Wow! CuervoCon 95 was more fun that spilling my guts to the feds!" - Panther Modern

"CuervoCon is our favorite annual event. We know we can give security a day of rest, because you people are all too drunk to give us any trouble..." - AT&T

"No moleste, por favor." - TeleMex

Don't miss it!

Have you ever had to convert dollars into pesos to get your bribe right?

Have you ever spent time in a foreign prison, where your "rights as an American" just don't apply?

Have you ever been taken down for soemthing that wasn't even illegal half an hour ago?

YOU WILL! And the con that will bring it to you?

CUERVOCON 96

1. Dial 1-800-321-4044
2. Press 2 (It will start ringing)
3. Wait for intel sound and press 2
4. Wait for beep, Press 2
5. Wait for beep, Press 2
6. Enter number for whom you wish to have them fax AREA CODE FIRST then
   press 1
7. Wait for beep. Press 3
8. Hang up and Intel will start calling this person 3 times at 3 min
   intervials

one time the guy connected me to security! Oh no! He asked what I was trying to do. I said "get ext. 89" he replied "that's our paging system" so i said in a deep ,suspicious voice. "exactly" well i guess he hung up on me or something. the # is (704) 543 5600 . One good thing about this is that the intercom is REAL loud. you can here it from across the parking lot. it SO loud we can almost hear it from across the school.

Burke F.

Well after viewing your list of *interesting* operator comments, I thought I'd add some stuff that I've heard. These all happened in New York City while attending the 2600 meeting there, go figure...

"Aww come on kid, you can do better than that!"
"Sir, you might try putting in real coins next time."
"Those tones seem a little off, you might want to tune your box."
"Nynex supervisor. Sir, if you want to make a call, you should really try and stop ripping us off."
Happily hacking in NJ,
Phear