Find all your old christmas carols, put them in a box and burn them. They're old, outdated and boring. Here are all the new songs that you'll hear the litle brats singing in church this year.

"Charlie The Lineman" - by Colleen Card
sung to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman"

Charlie the lineman had a very handsome hat.
When he wore it out, all the kids would shout,
"Someday I will steal that!"

Charlie the lineman liked to drink beer with the boys.
He'd listen to a country tune,
while he'd play with telco toys.

There must have been some magic in that big green joint they found,
'Cause right away he began to play and 'ol Charlie danced around.

Charlie the lineman was as sad as he could be,
For he'd lost his job when Bell found out that he'd been smokin' weed.
Charlie the lineman yelled out, "I'll be back someday...
I know some tricks and I'll give them out!" Oh, this lineman's gone astray.



"On Little AT&T Fone Center" - by Colleen Card
sung to the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem"

Oh little AT&T Fone Center, how many toys you sell,
They help us to defraud from you even though you wish us well.
We love you PBXes, your calling cards are grand,
And in your undying love for us, you still hold out your hand.

Oh little AT&T Fone Center, your operators are the best,
They're nice to me when I make calls, pranking all the rest.
We make their jobs exciting and some days it is hell,
And even though THEY don't accept, you still wish us well.



"PLA is Coming To Town" by Colleen Card
sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming To Town"

You'd better watch out, you better be nice,
Better kiss ass I'm telling you why,
PLA is coming to town.
We're making a list, checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's paying the price,
PLA is coming to town.

We'll call you when you're sleeping,
We'll call you when you're awake,
We'll call your mom and dad for you,
So leave town, for goodness sake!

You'd better watch out, you better be nice,
Better kiss ass, I'm telling you why,
PLA is coming to town.



"We Three Phreaks From PLA Are" - by Colleen Card
sung to the tune of "We Three Kings of Orient Are"

We three phreaks from PLA are,
Pranking people from near and from far,
Finding their numbers, finding their names,
Fone company tells us all.

Chorus:
O--- Telco friendly, telco free,
Telco come and dance with me,
Dreams I see them, can't redeem them,
but I've got an operator's key.

We are born to freedom and strife,
Anger crashing all of our lives,
Pick up a fone, leave me alone,
I think I'll just call your wife.
(repeat chorus)

Kardz and k0dez to offer have I,
Go to Radio Shack, red boxes I buy,
Cactus, cactus, cactus, cactus,
We promise to make you cry.
(repeat chorus)



"Have yourself an Evil Little Holiday" - by Colleen Card
sung to the tune of "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas"

Have yourself an evil little holiday,
Break into a fone,
Make free calls all over,
Including Rome!
Have yourself an evil little holiday,
Make an operator scream,
From now on it's funny just to be mean.

Here we are in olden days,
Happy golden days of bore,
Greedy relative who want a calling card,
Pinch my cheek too hard once more.

Available telcos, everyone's inside now, ripping open gifts,
Oh what a great security r-i-f-t!
Have yourself an evil little holiday now!



O Telephone Pole" - by Colleen Card
sung to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"

O telephone pole, o telephone pole,
You rise so high and mightily,
O telephone pole, o telephone pole,
You rise so high and mightily.
Your pegs are strong in summer's heat,
And frosty in the winter sleet.
O telephone pole, O telephone pole,
You are brown and mighty.



"Anarchy" - by Colleen Card and RedBoxChiliPepper
sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells"

Running through your yards, popping open cans,
Sometimes clipping wires, then we eat some spam.
Stealing people's mail, toilet papering trees,
Running from the cops and feds that chase us in the breeze.

Oh, anarchy, anarchy, set their yard on fire.
Hit their window with a stick and loosen up their tires.
Fuck the Bells, Fuck the Bells, burn their building down,
Dive into their dumpsters when rent-a-cops aren't around.



"The Twelve Days of Christmas Revised" - by RedBoxChiliPepper

On the Twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
Twelve Virgin Visas,
Eleven black tone dialers,
Ten stolen P.C.s,
Nine lineman's handsets,
Eight Motorolas,
Seven operators,
Six red box crystals,
Fiiiiiiive E.S.N's.
Four cans of Jolt
Three fake I.D.s,
Two airline tickets,
And a janitor job at AT&T!

Using your V/MC, the price for this service is $9.95 for one song or $24.95 for three songs. Sort of pricey, but for cardholders like us, money is no object. This service is perfect to make your fellow phreaks smile or to make security officials cry when you send them "Happy Birthday" by the New Kids on the Block, 300 times a day.

The only drawback is the lame selection of songs they offer. You can send some- one a traditional song by various artists and they just started getting really hip and adding in alot of country songs. (gag) The best you can hope for is an old top-40 song that isn't too nausiating. And if you're just sending a song to annoy someone, they've got great selections. One song that I've been asking them to get for me is, "I'll be watching you" by the Police. That would be great for certain occasions...

When you call their 800 number to make your selection, you have to dial the 800 number direct, or at least make them think you dialed direct. (Don't call from your house direct, of course.) In the past, I've usually used remote access call forwarding, but your best bet would be to walk a couple blocks to the nearest pay phone. You can't just op divert. If their system doesn't get an ANI, you'll be switched over to customer service, who won't be able to help you at all. Send-A-Songs phone numbers are as follows:

  800-272-SONG (7664) Order center, fully automated, Visa/Mastercard
  800-999-7635 Customer Service
  800-915-3443 SAS Retrival Center (In case you weren't there to get your song.)

Here's a list of songs you have to choose from when calling 800-272-SONG:

                                Happy Birthday
1101 Happy Birthday - Bing Crosby         1102 Happy Birthday - Eddie Howard
1106 You Say It's Your Birthday -Beattles 1103 Happy Birthday - Instrumental
1105 Happy Birthday - New Kids on / Block 1103 Happy Birthday - Sunsetters
1107 I Wish I Were 18 Again -George Burns 1108 Young At Heart - Frank Sinatra
1109 Happy Birthday - Stevie Wonder       1112 Much Too Young - Garth Brooks
1114 Happy Birthday Baby - Ronnie Milsap

                                  Friendship
3001 Thank You For Being A Friend - Gold  3003 You've Got A Friend -Carole King
3002 That's What Friends Are For -Warwick 3004 You've Got A Friend - J Taylor
3007 Friendship, Friendship - Ray Charles 3008 Lean On Me - Bill Withers
3011 Diamonds/Best Friend - Marlyn Monroe 3010 You're The Top - E. Fitzgerald
3014 Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks 3012 Stand By Me - Ben E. King
2119 Anytime You Need A Friend - Mariah C 3015 I Get By With Help - Beatles
3016 From Our House To Yours - Lorrie Mor 3017 Who Can I Turn To - Tony Bennett
3018 Forever Friends - Sandi Patti        3019 Friends - Bette Midler

                                     Love
2001 I just called to say I love you - SW 2002 You are the sunshine of my life
2003 Nobody does it better - Carly Simon  2004 I had to say I love you - Jim
2013 Listen, do you want to know a secret 2006 Crazy For You - Madonna
2015 Love Me Do - Beatles                 2017 You Are So Beautiful - Joe Cker
2021 All Shook Up - Elvis Presley         2022 Teddy Bear - Elvis Presley
2024 One In A Million - Larry Grahm       2027 All of Me - Frank Sinatra
2025 The Most Beautiful Girl In The World 2029 Your Song - Elton John
2031 Through The Years - Kenny Rogers     2032 You Decorated My Life -K Rogers
2035 Theme from Mahogamy - Diana Ross     2033 Endless Love - Diana Ross
2039 Woman in Love - Barbara Streisand    2040 Memories - Barbara Streisand
2041 Annie's (??) Song - John Denver      2042 Unforgettable - Nat King Cole
2045 Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothrs 2049 It had to be you - Harry Conick
2050 When A Man Loves a Woman - Michael B 2055 12th of Never - Johnny Mathis
2056 Always on my mind - Willie Nelson    2058 Live for Lovin' You - Gloria Es
2060 Love of a Lifetime - Firehouse       2061 Wind Beneath my Wings - Bette M
2062 You Light up my Life - Debbie Boone  2063 I Don't Know Much (But I Know I
2064 Unforgettable - Natalie Cole         2068 Forever Your Girl - Paula Abdul
2070 Everything I do for you - Bryan Adms 2071 Here and Now - Luther Vandross
2074 Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin      2077 You are my lover,my best friend
2076 I want to know if I can be your girl 2078 Have I told you lately i love u
2081 Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel    2082 Wild Thing - The Trogs
2085 The Way you do the things you do     2087 Baby I need your lovin' - 4tops
2086 I wanna be loved by you - Marlyn Mnr 2088 Can't get enough of your love
2091 I Honestly Love You - Olivia Newt Jn 2093 Dedicated to the One I Love
2097 My girl - The Temptations            2098 Love of my Life - Carly Simon
2099 I will always love you - Whitney Hou 2101 Just A Little Love- Reba McEntr
2102 Have I Got A Deal For You - Reba McN 2103 Two of a kind - Garth Brooks
2104 All of me loves all of you -George S 2105 I still believe in you -Vince G
2106 I swear - John Michael Montgomery    2107 Love can build a bridge - Judds
2108 Shameless - Garth Brooks             2110 Stand By Your Man - Tammy Wynet
2111 Help Me Make It  - Sammi Smith       2112 I Get A kick Out of you - Frank
2113  Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton    2114 Whatta Man - Salt N Pepa
2116 On Bended Knee - Boyz II Men         2117 After The Lovin' - Engelbert Hu
2118 I'd really love to see you tonight   2416 Be my baby tonite - John Montgm
2417 I'll make love to you - Boyz II Men

                               Anniversary/Wedding
2501 The Anniversary Waltz -Richard Tuckr 2502 Always & Forever - Heatwave
2503 More Today Than Yesterday - Spiral S 2504 You're my best friend - Don Wil
2506 Could I Have This Dance - Anne Muray 2509 You're the best thing that ever
2510 You Again - Forestar Sisters         2511 Chapel of Love - Dixie Cups
2512 Our love is here to stay - Harry Con 2514 Happy Anniversary - Little Rivr

                                   Love/Sexy
2401 Nobody does it better - C Simon      2402 Why Don't we get Drunk -J Buffet
2404 I'd love to lay you down-Conway Twit 2409 Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
2410 Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocals  2411 I feel like makin' love - Bad Co
2412 Let's spnd the nite 2gether-R Stones 2413 Make it with you - Bread
2414 Let get it on - Marvin Gaye

                                    Humorous
5001 It's hard to be humble - Davis       5002 Love Stinks - J. Geils Band
5003 Macho Man - Village People           5004 My Ding-A-Ling - Chuck Berry
5007 Hound Dog - Elvis Presley            5008 I Like Beer - Tom T. Hall
5009 Take this job and Shove it -johnny p 5010 Let go get stoned - Ray Charles
5012 Men - Forrester Sisters              5013 What part of no...-Lorrie Morgan
5014 Let's chase each other around the rm 5015 Another one bites the dust-Queen
5016 Whoomp, there it is! - Tag Team

                                  Missing You
7001 Far Away - Carole King               7002 Missing You - Jim Reeves
7003 I miss you - Harold Melvin           7004 Wishing you were here - Chicago
7006 Missing you now - Michael Bolton     7007 What'll I do? - Linda Ronstadt
7009 Hangin' In - Tanya Tucker            7010 My World is empty without you
7011 Just to hold you again - Mariah Cary 7012 Nights are forever without you
7013 Can'nt stay away from you - Gloria E

                                 Congratulations
7101 What A Wonderful World               7102 Happy Birthday (new baby) - Suns
7103 Calebrate good times-Kool & The Gang 7104 Climb every mountain
7105 Let the good times roll -Ray Charles 7106 Everything's coming up roses
8011 Impossible Dreams - Jim Nabors       7107 Walking Away a Winner - Kathy Mt
7110 Eye of the Tiger - Survivor

                                  Apology
7501 I'm sorry - The Platters             7502 I'm Sorry - Brenda Lee
7503 We bury the hatchet - Garth Brooks   7504 You're right, I'm wrong - George
7505 Call Me Irresponsible - Tony Bennett 7506 Hard for me to say sorry-Chicago
7508 Sorry seems to be the hardest word   7509 Can't Live - Mariah Carey
7510 From Now On - Michael Bolton         7511 Please Forgive Me - Bryan Adams
7512 Words Get In The Way - Gloria Estefn

                             Cheer Up/Get Well
7701 Don't worry, be happy - Bobby Mcfern 7702 Don't you worry 'bout a thing-SW
7704 Here comes the sun - Beatles         7705 Gray skies are gonna clear up
7706 The sun will come out tomorrow-Annie 7708 I feel lucky - Mary C Carpenter
7709 Unanswered prayers - Garth Brooks    7710 Put yourself in my shoes-Clint B
7715 Get on your feet - Gloria Estefan

                               Family Songs
7801 We are family - Sister Sledge        7802 Having my baby - Paul Anka
7803 I want a girl just like that girl    7805 Daddy's little girl -Mills Bros.
7806 Mammy - Al Jolson                    7807 Mama - Jerry Vale
7809 I'll always love my mama - Intruders 7812 Oh my papa - Eddie Fisher
7817 Mama sang a song - Bill Anderson     7818 Home - Alan Jackson
7819 Daddy's Hands - Holly Dunn           7820 Working class hero - Alan Jacksn
7821 Leader of the band - Dan Fogelberg   7822 I thought he walked on water

                                Thank You
3102 I thank you - ZZ Top                 3104 Thank you - Ray Boltz
3103 You made me so very happy - Blood,ST 3105 I owe you one - Aaron Neville

                              Miscellaneous
8022 Happy Trails - Roy Rogers            8023 On The Road Again - Willie Nelsn
8024 The Dance - Garth Brooks

The FACS acronym means Facilities Administration and Control System, but most Bell employes refer to it as either "Assignment" or "FACS", pronounced "fax." This office can take any address or phone number in the area that it covers and give you every single number that goes into the entire building/house. This can be extremely useful for a variety of things, including...

 
 Getting the unlisted number of someone who's just changed their number.
 
 Finding out what the additional lines are going into someone's house.
 
 Finding out what the data line is to a certain company or individual, such
   as your schhool or place of employment.
 
 Finding out every number of a business, including every one of their ring-
   down numbers, data lines, pay phones on the premises, credit card lines,
   ATM machine lines, lottery machine lines, etc, etc, etc.
 
 Want to know more about someone? Get all of the neighbors' phone numbers in
   his/her apartment complex, call them all and ask questions...
 
 Tired of that asshole sysop? This will give you all his voice numbers.

OPR: Southwestern Bell, how may I help you?
YOU: FACS? I need you to check on an address for me.
OPR: I'm sorry? You've reached the billing department.
YOU: What? This isn't Assignment?
OPR: Nooooo, this is the RMC.
YOU: Hmm, in my handbook it has you listed as the FACS. Do you happen to have
     the FACS number there in your handbook?

OPR: Let me check here for you...Are you with Southwestern Bell?
YOU: Yes, this is Greg Carson. I'm a lineman. Phear me.
OPR: ...Okay, the number I have here is 1-800-673-7286.
YOU: Isn't there a regular number in there that's not toll free?
OPR: Hmmmm...yes, there is. It's 210-xxx-xxxx.
YOU: Okay, great! Thanks alot, you putz, you just gave me the information I
     need to cause alot of misery here in town! Bye! 

You're best off with a number that's NOT toll-free. Mostly because the FACS toll-free numbers that I've dealt with only let you dial from within that state, making the number useless after I moved. Besides, dialing the 800 number would mean a permenant record of your number on their bill. Try to get the billing office to connect you to the FACS the first time, then ask the FACS office what their direct line is, to make it easier for you to call.

The area that one FACS office covers varies with all the different phone companies. When I dealt with Southwestern Bell, it only covered my city and nowhere else but with Ameritech, the office covered an entire third of Illinois. The GTE number I had covered the entire state. (But just the areas serviced by GTE, of course.) If you reach a FACS office that doesn't cover the region you're looking for, they'll almost always happily give you the number you need to access the area you need and will sometimes connect you to it.

When you finally call FACS, you'll be pretending to work for the same company. I usually claim to be a lineman because I can think of more excuses to their questions. Sometimes I try being a billing office operator. Whichever you're more comfortable with. The conversation will go somewhat as follows...

(FACS offices are notorious for making you hold forever. Better bring some coloring books to play with while you wait. I've had to wait for over a half hour before...)

FAC: Can I help you?
YOU: This is Paul from Ameritech, I just need for you to run an address for me.
FAC: Okay, which office are you with, Paul?
YOU: I'm not in an office, I'm working in the field in Bloomington, Indiana.
FAC: What is it, exactly that you need?
YOU: Well, I'm in a telco can here and I'm trying to sort out all the lines
     for a building down the street. I just need you to read off all the cable,
     pairs and numbers going into this address here.
FAC: Okay, and what's the address?
YOU: It's 1313 Mockingbird Lane SE

FAC: (type, type, type!) Okay, I have three lines going into that address with
     room to add one more line. I have 656-0284 on cable 10 and pair 758, then
     656-2913 on cable 10 and pair 720, and 656-0831 on cable 10 and pair 402.
YOU: Great! Any other lines going into that address?
FAC: Nope, that's it.
YOU: Okay, then. Thanks alot and have a good day!

If you're wanting to check on multiple apartments in a single building, you'll have to ask them to type in each individual address, such as 1313 Mockingbird Lane SE Apartment 12, 1313 Mockingbird Lane SE Apartment 13 and so on. Some of them have actually been nice enough to fax me the list of numbers if it's a really large list. (You can have them fax it to a copy shop for you, or a number diverted to your house.)

If you don't have their correct address or don't have an address at all, you can still ask them to check a number for you. When they ask for the address, give them an address which you know doesn't exist. Frustrated, they'll finally ask you for the phone number and they'll run it off of that. Usually, you'll also get the address this way, but not always. Sometimes they'll want you to read off the work order number. Just tell them that you left that in your truck and your truck is two blocks away and you're too lazy to go get it.

First of all, they moved locations which changed my VMB number. (If you don't remember, the details on that one are outlined in a previous PLA issue.) Last week I called them to arrange my six month in advance payment like I always do and they informed me of a slight change in rates.

Usually it would only cost me a flat rate of $7.50 a month, nothing else. NOW they want to charge $7.50 a month which will allow the box to be accessed only thirty times in a month. That means I'm only allowed to have one single call on it per day, including myself calling in to check messages. That's okay, though, because for each additional call over 30 a month, they charge an access rate of 42 cents. Only 42 cents, that's not so bad, is it?

Well, I asked them how many times my box had been accessed last month and they checked and told me only 283 times. I quickly grabbed my pocket calculator out of the holster on my belt. Dead batteries, so I found a pen in my pocket protector and did some quick math and figured that I'd be paying $118.86 per month for my additional calls, plus the $7.50 per month just to own the box. And the guy on the phone didn't seem to think that was just a little outrageous. He promised me that someone would call back, but nobody ever did.

So, I've stopped paying and I've also made a lot of collect and third-party billed calls to my VMB number. As of this writing it's still up and working but it should be going down really soon. I just hope that some horrible holligan at random doesn't call up the voicemail company and offer to pay for my box a year in advance with their credit card. Now that would really piss me off! (ahem)

I strongly urge anyone who reads this, never to call and harrass the employees at 512-458-6005 or 512-472-3535, especially Ann. She's a really nice lady and doesn't deserve to be phoned at work and rude, horrible things said to her. And if you're ever in Austin for a HoHoCon Convention or any other reason and you just happen to be walking around downtown and pass by 1011 San Jacinto, please don't throw any bricks through that beautiful picture windows of theirs. And whatever you do, don't ever go inside to the room with a big "300" on the door and super-glue their locks shut or steal all of their mail. That would really upset me. Especially if you happened to be carrying a one gallon bucket of hot pink latex paint and you spilled it all over the hallway there and some of it splashed on their door. Gee, I hope HoHoCon is in Austin next year...

First off, there was the short lived Booty Call BBS. Zak, Nekid Amy [the girl from PLAGIF07], Zensless1, Quinbus Flestrin, dhate and myself set it up one night out of sheer boredom. We wanted to see who all would call and act like an idiot. We used the names Papa Ray, Fly Honey, M.C. K0sh3r, D.J. Skratch -n- Sniff, Jermaine and Big Mack as the sysops. About 40 people fell for it. I deleted the bbs later and forgot to save all the mail and shit, but none of it was worth reprinting. Basicly we set it up to look like a bbs ran by gansta rappas, but that failed. Everyone just logged on and played Studs and shit. No one posted or anything. A few people left us feedback trying to act like nazis and shit. Those people were Ramsey and Skinhead. What idiots!

Next, there was the saga of #rock. It is still going on today. Basicly what happened was El_jefe (Zak) went into #rock because that's where [Z3ns] (Zensless1) liked to hang out. Some stupid bitch called El_jefe an asshole. Now while not totally untrue, it was enough to piss him off. He had [Z3ns] op him, then he bankicked everyone and took over. After that had become boring, he left. Later he came back and it was empty. So he told everyone else and we all started hanging out in there, taunting those who would come in. We still use it every night, and taking it from the losers as become easy. Doing things like netsplit hacks gets old fast, so you have to trick them. My favorite trick is to make them run PLA.IRC, a script written by dhate. Not only does it make them say fruity things like "I Wanna suck dick in the name of r0y!" and "I love to jerk of to pix of Nekkid Amy!!", but it also adds "+ +" to their .rhost, mails me with their passwd file and floods certian people with an ls of their entire system.

Other days we would do shit like choose countries to envade, but that would result in us getting kicked pretty quick. But then there was #heislord. Now you may remember good ole' Scott the Beleiver and is fat ass daughter Chatty. Well, when Scott was brave enough to irc, he would go hang out in #heislord, an all christian channel. Well, back in the day, we would go in there and annoy the hell out of Chatty and Scott, but they quit ircing all of a sudden. (Wonder why??) We quit going in there regularly until the other night. We were all hanging out in #rock being bored when dhate msged us to come to #heislord. We went and the stupid fools had just oped him. Now, they generaly NEVER op someone that hasn't spent tons of time in there kissing ass. But for some reason they decided to be the Good Samaraton with dhate. Bad mistake!

We went in there and deoped everyone. Then started busting out with our usual insults "God molested my kids" and shit like that. Zak has a way of pissing them off real good. The best part was when a few of them tried to spoof dhate into giving the channel back. They came to #rock (we had #heislord invite only, and I was holding #heislord2-8) and told dhate to come to #ircops. I went as well, and they made it +i. They started telling dhate shit like "We can nickname collide you and your whole server will be off irc!" and "We are ircops buddy, you better give #heislord back right NOW" Now the funny thing was none of them were ircops because they didn't have a * next to their nicks. If they were ircops, the idiots never used it.

I could go on about this for days, but the best thing to do is come into #rock, unless ofcourse you have a life and better things to do on irc, and you can see for yourself. It's pretty lame!

Last but not least, I have my personal call to make some people's lives very hard. I used to like to hang out in #anime! for a time and talk about my favorite shows in there. Well, I met two real assholes in there. One of them goes by the nick rin but sometimes uses g-wu to fool me. The other changes nicks daily in an attempt to avoid harrassment. Their info is as follows:

Known Nicks: rin, g-wu, gundam-wu Real Name: George Wu email: g-wu@ux5.cso.uiuc.edu or g-wu@cso.uiuc.edu Goes to U of I Urbana Things that piss him off: Tell him his dick is broken. Ask him if he has ever been able of fuck a girl all the way. Tell him Joy is a fuckin whore. Tell him PLA 0wns him!

Known Nicks: rei, gundambab, wu-chan, cranbearri, yu-chan ect. Real Name: Joy Toda email: jotoda@leahi.kcc.hawaii.edu or todaj@uhunix.hawaii.edi HOME PHONE NUMBER: 808-595-6640 or 6690 (can't read my writting) Goes to U of Hawaii Things that piss her off: Call her by her real name, Joy! Tell her that she must be really bad in bed if George couldn't get off. Call her a fuckin whore. Tell her PLA 0wns her. Just say r0y.

Oh well, that ought to do it for me. Sorry this article wasn't more informative, but hey, it's PLA! r0y 0wns y0u!

Inmate Danny Faries conducts credit card fraud over the phone Transcript of the show, 60 Minutes, Sunday September 29, 1991

Mike Wallace (Host): 1-800-CON-MAN is a tale about credit card fraud, a billion dollar business. And while that may not surprise you, I think what we found in Miami certainly will. It surprised us. For four long years, before he was convicted of murder, a crafty conman named Danny Faries ran a nationwide Jail- house Shopping Network, for he ran it all, without ever leaving his cell in Miami's Dade County Jail, where, believe it or not, inmates have telephones right in their jail cells and can make local calls and 1-800 calls free of charge.

Danny Faries: I would challenge you, Mr. Wallace, if they put you in a room the size of your bathroom at home for years at a time with a telephone, that I would challenge you to--that you would come up with some pretty inventive stuff to do, because you do everything through the phone.

Wallace: And that's exactly what Danny Faries did. Using a telephone from a large cell on the tenth floor of Miami's Dade County Jail and later from this six-by-eight foot cell, federal investigators acknowledge he managed to steal as much as $2 million worth of merchandise. And how did the business work? Accomplices on the outside provided Faries with hundreds of credit card numbers taken from charge slips in hotel dumpsters. And then he used those credit card numbers to order merchandise from mail-order catalog by telephone, arranging for the items to be delivered overnight, again to accomplices on the outside, who would sell the goods and split the proceeds with Faries. Faries even persuaded his fellow inmates to let him use their extension telephone as his own private. You take the extension phone into your cell...

Faries: Actually, it was a vacant cell that I quite literally had turned into an office. We were having a ball.

Wallace: And you did business.

Faries: Oh, yes, sir, a bumper business.

Wallace: And it went on for four years, with Faries ordering everything from collectible gold and silver coins to Rolex watches, to video camcorders. And with the help of those accomplices on the outside, he hit states from one end of the country to the other.

Faries: Oh, it's so easy to find confederates. I split right half with every- body. I mean I never took more than half. I got robbed a lot but again, you kind of take it on the chin, you know what I mean? It was, like you said, heck, it was all free.

Wallace: So he ordered cases of the best champagne and gourmet gift baskets and thousands of roses, and he had them sent to the families of other inmates and even to his prison guards.

Faries: They're working stiffs, you know? They're not making much money, and they're seeing this stuff going on, and they're hearing about Dom Perignon and trips to the Caribbean. And there I am in my cell. They know what's up. There's no--you know, I tried to send--at Christmas and on holidays, I tried to send out, you know, baskets and...

Wallace: And it costs them nothing.

Faries: Oh, no, no. Perish the thought.

Wallace: Of course, jail officials deny that guards accepted gifts. But one investigator told us off-camera that he believes some guards did receive items from Danny. And we even found evidence that Danny dabbled in charity. I have here a Save the Children Federation Inc., Westport, Connecticut, addressed to Daniel Faries, 1151 Northwest 11th Street, Suite 104. That's your jail cell.

Faries: I'll be darn, yeah.

Wallace: Save the Children.

Faries: Well, yeah. Again, when you have nothing but 24 hours a day, and, you know, late night on Sunday night after everybody has gone to bed for sure, they always put these little poor pitiful with flies crawling out of their nose Biafran babies and stuff on--I mean heartbreaking stuff. 1-800 nunmber, Master- Card and Visa. And it's just a phone call. My position was when the people got their credit card bill, they'd look at it and say, "Well, I didn't order Save the Children have for $22," and they look at the poor children--they've all flashed on those poor, starving children--I can't believe that most of them aren't still paying that $22, Mr. Wallace. I would, if somebody did this to me and said, "Look, give, doggone it!"

Wallace: But what about the cops? Well, they were not amused by the Jailhouse Shopping Network.

Lieutenant Ross Hughes: I think Danny Fairies is a convicted killer and a conman, nothing more.

Wallace: Lieutenant Ross Hughes and fellow Officer Raul Ubieta of the Metro-Dade Police spent months building a case against Faries, and they knew he had confessed to murdering a friend while under the influence of cocaine.

Hughes: He's already in jail for murder, possibly facing the electric chair. So the fellow has no fear of any reprisal for the fraud he was doing.

Wallace: So he engaged in what is called the Jailhouse Shopping Network, a very successful enterprise.

Hughes: And he was very comfortable in that role.

Wallace: And he would remain comfortably in business because Hughes and Ubieta's case against him was eventually dropped by the Dade state's attorney. Why? Insufficient creditble evidence, the state's attorney said. The two Metro-Dade investigators continued to warn jail officials about Faries' continued phone access, but jail officials said it would violate Danny's rights to take his phone away.

Hughes: He's allowed access to a telephone.

Wallace: In order to steal? You know perfectly well that he was stealing. I mean, this must have been a matter of some frustration to you guys who've been after him now, according to this, for a year or two. And you're getting no place with it.

Officer Raul Ubieta: Any time an investigation doesn't come to a proper conclusion for the investigator, it's frustrating. So...

Wallace: Listen, you told the correction personnel, "Go in there and take the phone out of his cell." What'd they tell you?

Ubieta: If I recall the memo right, that he couldn't do that.

Wallace: Jail officials finally did search Faries' cell, seizing hundreds of credit card numbers. But that didn't put him out of business, because he still had a telephone and one hidden credit card number.

Faries: And I had written this on the bottom of my bunk. And it was a woman's card, though. It was Regina Donovan--was the name. And it was a good number. And I said, "Well, here we go. We've got to do something."

Wallace: So Faries used the credit card number to pay for a newspaper ad and a telephone answering serivce.

Faires: And I ran an ad in USA today saying "Cosmetic package: $89.95 value for only $19.95. All major credit cards accepted. Please call Regina Donovan Cosmetics, a 1-800 number."

Wallace: But Danny never intended to sell any cosmetics. All he was after was a fresh batch of credit card numbers.

Faries: Well, the girls there, they an--they take the orders, and they write down--they--"Thank you for calling Regina Donovan, may I help you?", "Yes, we saw your ad.", "Oh, yes, may we have--what credit card will we be using today?" They wrote their number, the expiration. And then at the end of the day, I would call and they'd have all these numbers. It was incredible And so I just got a whole new stack of numbers and I was off.

Pete Collins: You could call him up any time of the day or night, and he was working around the clock, particularly when I was interviewing him.

Wallace: Pete Collins is a free-lance writer in Miami who is writing a book about Danny Fairies and his Jailhouse Shopping Network.

Collins: The operation was working in as many as 40 states. There were as many as 150 drop sites, dozens of employees, $750,000 documented in stolen goods, perhaps up to $2 million to $4 million, and that was just during an 11-month window of his captivity.

Wallace: And you got this mostly from the Secret Service.

Collins: I got all of that from the Secret Service.

Wallace: That's right, the Secret Service. In addition to protecting the president and going after counterfeiters, they also work credit card fraud cases. And they began to investigate the Jailhouse Shopping Network, too. They searched Danny's cell twice, and they confiscated over 1000 stolen credit card numbers and catalogs. But Danny still had access to a telephone, and he still did business, just as he had for nearly four years.

Faries: Even on my cell door at ICDC in Dade County, I had a Mastercard and a Visa logo on the outside of my door. It was pretty wide open. So...

Wallace: Everybody knew what you were doing, and you kept on doing it.

Faires: It was incredible. I know it's--I just say...

Wallace: I don't get it. Why would they give you access to a phone if they knew what you were doing?

Faries: I give great phone.

Wallace: I'm quite serious. Why would they keep letting you have access to a telephone?

Faries: I don't know. I would--of course, every time that they would say, "If you don't stop this, we're going to take your phone away," I said, "Okay, then I won't do it anymore."

Wallace: But Danny knew that he had a legal right to phone privileges while awaiting trial. So he was able to go on stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars in merchandise. We wanted to find out more for ourselves about telephone access for the inmates at the Dade County Jail, so we went there to take a look. There's a guy on the phone right there. And nothing had changed. We visited Danny's old cell. This was the office that Danny Faries worked out of?

Unidentified Man #1: Yes, sir.

Wallace: Not much bigger than somebody's bathroom. We were amazed to find a list of telephone numbers on Danny's old cell wall. So we called one.

(Speaking on telephone) L.L. Bean order department, Can I order some merchandise this way? And I can order how much? Can I order $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 worth of stuff? No limit. My name is Mike Wallace, and I wor for 60 Minutes, and I'm sitting in a cell... L.L. Bean hadn't heard about the Jailhouse Shopping Network but they did say that credit card fraud is a problem for them. And L.L. Bean had received an order from onen Tommie Chappell, the inmate who inherited Danny's old cell. Explain something to me. I go into your cell and suddenly I see on the wall...

Tommie Chappell: All of Danny's numbers.

Walllace: Are those Danny's numbers? It turns out that Tommie Chappell was only one of many inmates who had learned how to use the Jailhouse Shopping Network, courtesy of Danny Faries.

Faries: They don't even have to be terribly intelligent and only marginally capable. It's not--it doesn't--it's like a trainn, Mr. Wallace. I feel like I constructed a train, and just darn near anybody can drive a train. Heck, it's on a track. All you got to do is put the fuel in, credit card numbers, and this train will go.

Wallace: But Tommie wasn't about to acknowledge to us that he had graduated from the Danny Faries college of credit card manipulation. You've never done any of this?

Chappell: No.

Wallace: Raise your hand. Since Tommie Chappell wasn't going to confess, we asked Sergeant Ted Tate of the Metro-Dade credit cardr squad what was going on, what is going on at the Dade County Jail. Sergeant Tate, level with me. It's still going on...

Sergeant Ted Tate: Yes, sir, it is.

Wallace: ...in Dade County...

Tate: Yes, sir, it is.

Wallace: ...in ICDC, over telephones, with credit cards.

Tate: It's going on in the Dade County Jail System, yes, sir.

Wallace: How come?

Tate: I don't know the answer to that.

Wallace: Well, surely, Lonnie Lawrence, the director of Dade County Corrections, the man who requested a Secret Service search of Danny Faries' cell, he could explain why the Jailhouse Shoppingn Network was still alive and well.

Lonnie Lawrence: There are legal guidelines that say that we shall provide phone access to inmates.

Wallace: Inside the cell?

Lawrence: Yes. They don't care where you provide it, as long as you provide it.

Wallace: But what about inmates who abuse the phone system? For instance, let's say he's threatening the judge who put him away on the phone. Lawrence: We still have the ability to do that.

Wallace: You can take that phone away?

Lawrence: We'll take the phone away.

Wallace: So you can actually take phone privileges away. What you have not been able to do is to take phone privileges away from guys who are in jail and scamming over the phone.

Lawrence: Well, I think that we've been able to restrict their phone privileges.

Wallace: I went into Danny Faries' old cell this morning three hours ago. Right there is the telephone. Right there on the wall, there's a list of 1-800 numbers and credit card numbers. I called L.L. Bean. They were taking my order. I was playing Danny Faries, slick as it could be.

Lawrence: Well, you know we don't have a perfect system.

Wallace: And nobody knows that better than Danny Faries. He was finally sentenced to five years for credit card fraud on top of an earlier life term for murder. And he was moved to the Charlotte Correctional Institution, a much tougher Florida state prison, where with prison guards looking on, we met a chastened Danny Faries. He told us that prison officials here have made sure he can no longer practice his trade.

Faries: I would like to be very clear, I don't want them--perish the thought that they might think I'm still wielding my telephonic sword, you know what I mean? I can't do that.

Wallace: Why not?

Faries: Here in the state prisons, they're much more sophisticated.

Wallace: So what you're saying is you're going straight, perforce now, now at Charlotte correctional center.

Faries: Yeah--or having to go on a new direction, because the--oh, well, I mean, come on. I'm not just going to roll over, Mr. Wallace.

Wallace: Isn't there a lady in Fort Lauderdale you've been talking to?

Faries: I don't know. Who are you...

Wallace: Did you offer to set her up in business and rent an apartment from her as a drop site?

Faries: Oh, I'm sure that I probably did.

Wallace: Recently?

Faries: Now, see, you would get a fellow in trouble with all these folks standing around us here.

Wallace: I mean, come on. I mean, you've just professed innocence. You don't do it anymore. That's what you just told me, Danny.

Faries: I know. I know. Well, you know, here's what I've got...

Wallace: But somehow you're in ntouch with a lady in Fort Lauderdale, renting an apartment which is going to be a drop site where you are ordering or she is ordering or somebody is ordering camcorders and things like this...

Faries: As he nervously takes a drink of his root beer. (Drinks root beer.)

Wallace: I mean, you're a crook and a murderer.

Faries: That's what they say. Doggone, I wish they didn't say that, though.

Wallace: Danny Faries has been moved to yet another Florida state prison and he's been told that he will be isolated from his fellow inmates if he ever abuses the telephone privilege again. And Dade County Jail officials say they now have new procedures for inmate phones. After we went down there to report this story, those inside jail cell telephones were removed.