Nursery Rhymes For Baby Phreaks & Other Perverts

by Colleen Card

March 30, 1995

There are plenty of phone phreaks out there who have children but those damned nursery rhyme books seem to ignore this fact. Well, it can't go on any longer! This text file is a collection of poems and nursery rhymes for phreak parents to read to their kids. Most all of them are a parody of some other kid's story so we expect to be hearing from a few lawyers very soon. Colleen can be reached at colleencard@kracked.com

Long call, short call, three call, free calls

a parody of One fish, two fish, red fish blue fish by Dr. Seuss
Long call, short call, three calls, free call!
Black box, blue box, red box, telco box!
This one has a little star,
That operator has gone a little far!
Say! What a lot of police there are.
Yes. Some are red. And some are blue.
Some are black. There's rainbow too.
Some phreaks are glad. And some are mad.
And some are very, very bad.
Why are they glad, and mad, and bad?
I do not know. Go ask your dad.
Some phreaks are thin.
And some are fat.
The fat one has a lineman's hat.
From there to here, from here to there.
Phone phreaks are everywhere.
It's a fact
Phreaks like to hack
some hack and yack
on a cellular track.
Oh me! Oh my! Oh me! Oh my!
There are alot of phreaks nearby!
Some have two phones, and some have four.
Some have six years and some have more.
Where do they come from? I can't say.
But phone wires travel far, from a long, long way.
We see phreaks come. We see them go.
Some red boxes are fast and some are slow.
Some phreaks are lame. And some are pros.
Not one of them is like another.
Don't ask why. Go ask your mother.
Say! Look at his PBXs! One, two, three...
How many PBX numbers do I see? One, two, three, four,
Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. He has eleven!
Eleven? What a fucking jew. I wish I had eleven too!
Ring! Ring! Ring! I hear an operator begin to scream.
I hear her scream as her headset rings.
But I have a backdoor to MCI.
The operator can't get my ANI. So...
If you like to go Ring! Ring! Ring! Just call my backdoor number
And make the operator scream.
Who am I? My name's Colleen. I do so like to make phones ring.
It is good. And it is right.
To screw with people's heads all night.
And when I make those red box tones. I like to stand at an Ameritech phone.
Hello there, Chris. How do you do? Tell me, tell me what is new?
How are things in your little head? What is new? Is Ryan dead?
I do not mean to sound unkind. But who are you on my phone line?
I do not think your call's sincere.
So please go on get out of here!
Oh dear! Oh dear! I didn't hear.
Did you say Mildred Monday wants to bill here?
Say look! Get your finger out of your ass.
I bet you can't say that five times fast.
The moon was out and we saw some agents.
We saw some agents of the F.B.I.
By the light of the moon.
By the light of a star.
The agents searched from near to far.
They haven't caught all the phreaks thus far.
For now good-bye, it's time to phreak.
Keep your number unlisted, and your phone calls phree!

Harry Little Roy

All the perverts like to spend the day molesting gerbils together,
but not hairy little Roy.
He doesn't want to play with his friends,
he wants to go to the park and have fun.
Little Roy walks all the way through the park where he meets a cute frog.
"Come play with me!" says Mr. Frog.
Flip-flop and hippity-hop,
they play leapfrog with Crisco across the meadow.
Then, splash! Mr. Frog's limp body falls into a big pond.
"Mr. Frog, why do you have to be so fragile?" Sobs hairy little Roy.
"Now I will be very lonely without a playmate."
Luckily a kind horse was passing by,
"Don't be upset, little Roy," says Ms. Horse.
"I'll be your playmate and take good care of you!"
Clip-clop and hipity-hop they trot back across the meadow.
Hairy Roy is happy he has someone to take home to his apartment.
Harvy, Roy's gerbil is happy too, he has a headache!
All Roy's friends come over and they have a big party with Ms. Horse.
The next morning Hairy Roy gives her a quarter
and thanks her for the great evening.
Hairy little Roy likes horses.

The phreak is a person of talent and pride,
All the knowledge he has will make some cockeyed,
If you choose to cross him he will bide,
Upon getting their numbers your FAMILY he'll chide,
That might made your grandma an extreme homocide,
And your family, in you, will no longer confide,
You may find all your friends becoming very snide,
As a voice on the phone threatens to make them one-eyed,
When your eyes start going crazy and your brain overrides,
When the phone makes you retch and you consider suicide,
If the police always come over and want to kick your backside,
Then I guess to that telephone company you should have lied,
Maybe someday you'll get lucky and breathe in monoxide,
Since your family has all had to change their reside,
Too bad your father wants to make you into a cowhide,
I guess you should say prayers by your squalid bedside,
I want to tell you, Sylvia, that's it's now time to hide!

(this one's to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star)

Ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling, telephone,
I will hope that no one's home,
So I can break into your answering machine,
Change your message so your mom will scream.
Ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling, telephone,
I will hope that no one's home.

One, two, three, four,
A phreak is knocking at my door.
Five, six, seven, eight,
His lineman's belt is on him straight.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
He's putting phone wires under my shelf.

Red Box Love Song

To the tune of "You Are My Sunshine"

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey!
You'll never know dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I saw a pay phone, I had no quarters,
I was lonely and I was blue.
Then you pulled out your handy red box,
And I knew your love for me was true.
The AT&T operator was being mean to me,
So I cried as you held my hand.
She threatened to call Telco Security,
So we laughed and said, "We're phone phreaks, ma'am!"
I hear a red box, it chimes to sweetly,
In the night as I'm in your arms,
We'll call Jamaica and Austraila,
And to us there will come no harm.

Dog and a cat and a line man's hat?
In the night I see you on my bathroom mat.
If you wish for a quarter, maybe a dime.
I might build you a red box and you will be fine.

(to the tune of Bah Bah Black Sheep)

Operator, operator, place my call,
I found this number on a bathroom wall.
You can't have my number and you can't have my name,
I'll give you a card number and you can keep the change.
Operator, operator, have you any codes?
"Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Loads and loads!"
Some for the businesses,
Some for the lone,
Some for the phone phreak who can guess my home.

Hey, Kevin Mitnick,are you ashamed,
of all the little antics that have caused so much strain?
Could you be embarassed that you've been caught,
And that you're a role model 'cause phreaks like you alot!