Call the paper and tell them that you're Chris Tomkinson and you want to put an ad in the paper. Have something ready like, "Nice 3 bedroom, 2 bath, garage, den, dining room, great neighborhood, $300/month, $200/deposit." Compare your ad to the others in the "For Rent" section and be sure that yours is the very best deal in there.

As a phone number to call to inquire about the house, leave two. "Call Chris Tomkinson anytime 24 hrs at 635-8312 or 635-9207." The first being his work phone number and the second being his home. Now when an awesome deal like you've put in the paper is seen, it gets a tremendous response. I'm talkin' about his telephone ringing constantly for two days straight at the least.

He'll get in big trouble with his boss at work for recieving 2 billion calls. Even if he's able to convince his boss that he wasn't responsible, he'll still look bad. I mean, what would your boss think about all this happening? If he lives with his parents, he'll probably get in trouble with them too.

A few days after you've password protected the line, call the billing office again and tell them that you've moved out of the house already and you need the phone disconnected. They'll ask you for the password and disconnect the service, asking where you want the last bill sent to. Give them an address out of state.

Now after Chris's line goes dead he's going to have one hell of a time convincing the billing office to hook it back up because you've password protected his line. He really has no way of proving that he is who he says he is because he doesn't have that password. You do.

In your spare time when you're bored, pull out your list of phone numbers related to Chris, dial one at random and when the person on the other end answers say, "Chris Tomkinson", listen for the reply and hang up. Pretty soon people are going to start to despise that name.

If you know of a store that Chris shops at frequently and writes checks at, call that store a few times a day and say his name. The clerk will immediately recognize his name when Chris writes him a check and will probably ask him about it. And I know his boss would get annoyed at ten calls a day that simply state Chris's name and hang up. Pretty soon Chris's boss is going to be sorry he hired him.

Call the police station from a pay phone. "Hello, I want to make an annonymous call about the theft the other night involving the car stereo. Uh, I know who the guy is and he's been stealing car stereos and radar detectors ever since I've known him. I'm just starting to feel sorry for the people he's ripping off and want you to stop him but I don't want him to know who I am or he'll beat me up." Sound really whiney and nervous, "His name is Chris Tomkinson and he lives at (wherever). He keeps all the stuff he steals either hidden in his closet or hooked up in his room and most of it all still has the serial numbers on them..."

You get the idea. The police will want to move in on this horrible criminal and will probably get a search warrant so they can look for evidence. I did this to one guy and they didn't get a warrant but the kid's mom just let them in his room while he was at school. They ripped his room apart looking for stolen stereo equipment and didn't find anything. They created quite a mess from what I heard, though.

You can probably see what's going to happen. Wednesday morning at 10:00 his street is going to be totally filled up with a truck from every business in the entire area. From exterminators to furnace repair to roofing estimates, they'll all be there asking for Chris. (Try to make sure he's going to be home when they come.)

On Wednesday morning you'll want to make some calls. At 9:30 call up every pizza delivery place in the area and have a couple large pizzas sent to Chris. After that, call up all the taxi cabs and instruct them to come to your house to take you shopping.

Tuesday night you'll also want to make some calls. Every T.V. station and newspaper in the area will want to know that "something big is going to happen on Sullivan street" in the morning. Don't tell them what, just tell them that they'd be stupid not to get coverage on something like this. Also call up all your friends and have them call up their friends. Instruct them all to show up on Sullivan street at about 9:45 am.

As this will be an historical moment, bring a video camera and tape the whole event just in case you're not happy with the camera work of the T.V. stations. You might want to call in a false report to the fire department that Chris's house is on fire just to get them there and add to the confusion.

I have done this only on a much smaller scale. I skimmed through the yellow pages and pick out about 30 business to show up at a victim's house and did the pizza a fire truck thing but the media never got involved. There was quite a traffic jam on his street with just those few trucks there and I can imagine what it would look like with 10 times more and a camera crew.

Now take this big stack of cards home and fill them all out in Chris's name and send them in. Almost every one of the cards will already have the postage paid for so you won't have to worry about the cost of stamps.

Now me, I could care less if someone did that to me. I would get a little pissed off, though, if someone were to use my name on the subscription cards and send them to my friends or employers. So try this. He'll get a couple issues of each magazine until they get pissed off that he's not paying for them and stop his subscription. For a few months after that they'll harrass him about paying for the magazines he ordered but he won't get into any kind of trouble because of it.

Some magazines let you use a credit card to pay for the subscription. Use someone else's card and when the owner of the card gets his bill, they'll investigate it and eventually narrow it down to Chris's address.

They'll look you over, maybe take a blood sample, an x-ray or two and they'll tell you your fine. After they've done a lot to you, tell them you're feeling much better and it must have all been in your head. Go home.

In a couple of weeks, the hospital is going to start sending Chris a bill for a couple thousand dollars. (Hospitals are extremely expensive.) They usually send only two notices before they turn the matter over to a collection agency who will call Chris every couple days and ask him why he hasn't paid his bill yet. They'll also threaten to "take legal action" and so on. If Chris tries to explain to them that he never went to that hospital, they'll assume he's lying. They hear that excuse every day.

Collection agencies are full of shit. They can't really do anything to you except send you notices but when you refuse to pay them you're screwing up your credit rating. I know a lot about collection agencies seeing as I never pay my bills. I went to a hospital once for strep throat and they bothered me about it for two years after that.

o Forward all of Chris's mail to London, England.

o Forward all of Chris's grandparents mail to Chris's house.

o Forward all of Chris's mail to his place of employment. His boss will get really irked when Chris starts recieving mail there.

o Forward his best friend's mail to Chris's home.

o Forward his mail to his school.

o Forward his mail to the police station.

o Forward his boss's mail to Asia.

If possible, use remote call forwarding and forward Chris's number to a number you'd like to call only dial "0" first so you have to enter a calling card. This will make it seem as if the card were used from his home.

Oh, and don't forget Chris's boss. He needs to be a member of the Gay Rights Club or maybe needs some instructional videos on sex education. His teachers at school could probably use the same thing. When asked who it's to be sent to, give them his boss's name and tell them to put it "c/o Chris Tomkinson" just to be sure he knows who's responsible.

They'll immediately put a "freeze" on his account and he'll have to go through extra steps when he tries to withdraw and money. If he writes a check it probably will bounce and if he tries to use his ATM card the machine will eat it and he won't get it back until he's cleared up things with the bank.

Now constantly call up his number over and over and you'll reach the airlines. Harrass the reservation lady to death and keep claiming that you've put a bomb on one of their airplanes. Do this over and over and stay on the line for a long time. Pretty soon, they're going to trace the call back to Chris's house and he'll probably get arrested. Keep in mind that when calling locally, ANI has been known to pass straight through to your own number. Find out for sure by using an 800 number that reads back your ANI.

Even better would be to beige box into his line and call a lot of different numbers all night and threaten them all. In the morning he'll have accusations coming from all different difrections.

This little article is for everyone out there who has a next door neighbor who is, in your mind, the worlds biggest asshole. I have neighbors that fit into this catergory perfectly. You know the ones, stereo up louder than hell in the middle of the night, water their lawn during a drought, etc... Well take heart, because I have just the answer for such idiots.

1) Next time they go away on vacation, or even for just the weekend, call the utility company, Ma Bell (or whoever the phone co is.), and the cable company. Using their name (obviously), tell them to shut off the respective utilities, since your are going on a trip for about a month. Most of the time, they wont ask for any other info except for phone number. If they ask for anything else, just hangup quickly and forget it as it isn't too easy to explain why you dont know your own social security number. If all works well (and it usually does), they will come home to a fridge full of bad food, plus no heat or air conditioning and no cable tv and phone. Pretty nice, huh?

2) If they leave on vacation, and you are a hacker/phreak/BBS'er, here is your chance for free phone calls to everywhere! Simply go into their yard and locate their phone box. Using your lineman's phone (or a regular phone with alligator clips instead of a modular plug), find the active phone line inside the box. Run a shit load of wire back to your house, thru your window, etc... Install a modular plug on your end and plug it into your modem. Now make all the long distance calls you want. Don't worry, those of your with a heart, the neighbor's wont get billed for the calls after they call Ma Bell and claim that they didnt make them. Most of the time they will let you off the hook.

3) One night, after the neighborhood is asleep, sneak over into the target's yard. Proceed to turn on ONE faucet, so that water is gushing out all over the place. The value of this joke is that the target's water bill will be outrageous after about 3-4 nights of this, especially during drought season.

4) If you have the asshole neighbor who has the stereo on LOUD at all hours and the police wont do shit (what else is new), here is the solution. Sneak into the yard, and find the breakerbox. If the stereo is up this loud, they wont hear you in the yard. Locate the switch that matches the room that the stereo is in. Or the closest to. Flip the switch and run like hell back to the house. Or if you are more daring, sit in the bushes or something and watch them come out. Most of the time, it will take doing this 2-3 times before they turn down the stereo.But its worth it when you have to sleep.

5) Do your neighbor's have a barking dog? If so, heres the solution.

A) Call the pound repeatedly, using another neighbor's name and address, but your number. Call at least twice a night for about a week. The complaints will stack up, and the target's will most likely have to pay a healthy fine.

B) Get a package of hot dogs and any kind of medicine that induces shitting, like Exlax(you will have to melt it down). Pour the secret agent shit inducing substance on the hot dogs, then toss them over the fence to the dog. If it is a small dog, I suggest throwing one at a time as little dogs don't eat as much as big dogs. Spot or Fido or whatever the hell his name is will be shitting EVERYWHERE for days. Loads of fun for the target.

6) Kill their lawn. This can be achieved with any kind of poison, paint thinner, or even piss. Simply pour as much of the stuff as you can all over¨ the lawn and wait a few days to a week. Lovely brown spots will start to show. Nice effect. Try writing words with paint thinner.

7) Do they have a CB radio that interferes with your tv? Use the old standby. When they are not home, sneak over and shove large straight pins into the coaxial cable to the antenna. Next time Joe Dickhead keys up will be his last time. This easy trick works due to the fact that it shorts the cable together. When he keys up, it will blow the CB right off the table.

8) Do they park in your driveway or in front of it? My neighbors have teenage kids who have teenage friends who parked in front of the driveway. I fixed that by taking some large nails (about 4 inches long) and placed them on each side of their tires at a 45 degree angle. Two per side, heads on pavement, points to tires. When they drive off, instant flats on all four tires. Try to get them to not park there asking first. If they don't care to listen, then use the nail trick.

9) Other easy and annoying tricks: Use JB Weld or any other metal weld substance on their mailbox door. Unscrew all the light bulbs on the outside of their house just enough so they won't light.

If they have an annoying cat, capture it and take it about 10 miles away from where you live and let it go.

Get some cow or horse shit and place it in a large paper bag. Place on porch and light on fire. Then ring door bell.

If they have a hot tub or pool, get some goldfish and place them in it. If you can get some lake or river fish, they work even better.

Place small rocks inside the hubcaps on their most used car. The effect is awesome. They will go crazy from the sound.

If you get into their car, place a heavy guage jumper wire from the horn to the brake switch behind the pedal. The result is the horn honking everytime they step on the brake pedal. A sure fire winner.

If you are daring, capture a skunk and let it loose in their yard. Just think about the fun this one can make.