^LTOP^ ^B^^2^ *~*~*~*~ ZJOKES II ~*~*~*~* ^:inhol=Holiday Humor^ ^:incomp=Computer Humor^ ^:inmen=Men/Women Jokes^ ^N^ ^1^ ^30-17^^B^About These Jokes^ ^48-17^ ^:about="0F1838F424F424F4241B1C0505040403-FE06030101010101033BEE2414E408F0"^ ^eop^ ^Labout^ ^2^^B^ DISCLAIMER!!!!! ^N^ ^1^ These Jokes are not meant to be offensive or Politically Correct for that matter. I don't write them, I just receive them in my ^:email=email^ and pass them on. This file is to large to convert to one document. I'm sorry about that, and will try to learn more about this. In the meantime.... ^2^^B^ Enjoy! ^N^ ^1^ ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lemail^ Any one wishing to be on my daily (more or less) joke list drop me a line at Ann Harrell 76161,55 with your preferred email address and I will put you on the list. And while your at it.. ^41-17^^B^Smile^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="030F102040408E8E8080868E4840201807-00E01804C22211090909111222041820C0"^ ^eop^ ^Lincomp^ ^2^^B^ INDEX OF COMPUTER HUMOR ^:hel=Lost Helicopter^ ^:heaven=Heaven95^ ^:red=Techno-Rednecks^ ^N^ ^1^ ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lred^ ^2^^B^ You're A High-Tech Redneck ^N^ ^1^ If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com" If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson" If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:red1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lred1^ If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT" If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined If your wife said "either he or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her If you've ever used a CD-ROM disk as a coaster to set your beer on If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:red2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lred2^ If your keyboard has splotches on it which are the color of Bull Durham. If your Sunday computer dress-up clothes have shoulder straps and a rear end flap. If you have to push aside meadow muffins before you can use your keyboard. Etc., y'all. ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:incomp="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lheaven^ ^2^^B^ HEAVEN 95 ^N^ ^1^ Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God.... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure wether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:heaven1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lheaven1^ "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:heaven2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lheaven2^ "Fine" said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision."Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:heaven3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lheaven3^ Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this. What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????" "That was the demo," replied God. ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:incomp="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lhel^ ^2^^B^ LOST HELICOPTER ^N^ ^1^ A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, made a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:hel1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lhel1^ People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determinedthe course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer." ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:incomp="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Linhol^ ^2^^B^ * INDEX OF HOLIDAY JOKES * ^:card=Card From Ann^ ^:thanks=Top 10 Thanksgiving^ ^:perf=Perfect People^ ^N^ ^1^ ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lcard^ ^2^ ^B^ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* * * * Money's Tight * * * * Times are Hard * * * * Here's Your Stinkin' Christmas Card * * * *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ^N^ ^1^ ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inhol="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lthanks^ ^2^^B^ Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving ^N^ ^1^ 10. "It's cool whip time!" 9. "And he forces his way into the end zone!" 8. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!" 7. "Talk about a HUGE breast!" 6. "Reach in and grab the giblets." 5. "Whew....that's one terrific spread!" 4. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!" 3. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist." 2. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down." 1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out." ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inhol="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lperf^ ^2^^B^ PERFECT PEOPLE ^N^ ^1^ It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who survived? ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:perf2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lperf2^ Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths...the perfect woman had to survive. ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inhol="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Linmen^ ^2^^B^ INDEX OF MEN/WOMEN JOKES ^N^ ^1^ ^:life=Mens Lifestyles Through the Ages^ ^:date=What Not to Say on a Date^ ^:years=Forty Years^ ^:semen=Seminars for Men^ ^:sewom=Seminars for Women^ ^:cars=Comparison of Cars and Men^ ^:new=Newlyweds^ ^:blonde=Blonde Joke^ ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lblonde^ A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:blonde1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lblonde1^ The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to t the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica". ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lcars^ Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said : 'Mines like a Rolls-Royce,smooth and sophisticated.' The second said: 'Mines like a porsche, fast and powerful.' The third said : Mines like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.' ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lnew^ A newlywed couple spent there honeymoon in a remote farmhouse. The day after the wedding, the farmer's wife left a breakfast tray outside there room . At lunchtime when she took up their lunch she found the breakfast tray untouched. At teatime she took up another meal. The lunchtray was still sitting out side the door . 'I'm starting to worry ,'she told her husband two days later . 'They haven't eaten anything. The farmer knocked on the bedroom door . 'Are the two of you all right?' he asked . 'You haven't eaten anything since you arrived.' 'We're living on the friuts of love ,'the couple called back. 'In that case,' the farmer shouted. 'Would you mind not throwing the skins out of the window? They're choking my chickens.' ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lsewom^ ^2^^B^ SEMINARS FOR WOMEN ^N^ ^1^ The male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Attendance in at least 10 is mandatory: 1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV 2. Doing Housework Without Complaining 3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge 4. Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends) 5. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?" 6. Excercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother 7. Sex: Learning How to Initiate ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:sewom1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lsewom1^ 8. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong 9. Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?" 10. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must 11. The Toilet Seat: I Can Put It Down 12. Sex Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love" 13. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous 14. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him 15. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle 16. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone 17. Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger -- But You're Acceptable 18. Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough) ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:sewom2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lsewom2^ 19. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World 20. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook 21. Sex: More Than Just Lying There 22. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours 23. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases 24. Makeup: The Less is More Theory 25. Nagging: Stop the Insanity! ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lsemen^ ^2^^B^ SEMINARS FOR MEN ^N^ ^1^ Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Class size will be limited to 18 as material may prove to be difficult. Course No. Course Title 101 Combating Stupidity 102 You Too Can Do Housework 103 P.M.S.-Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 104 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray 105 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money 106 Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk 107 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called "Don't Wash My Silks") ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:semen2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lsemen2^ 108 Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception 109 Get a Life - Learn How To Cook 110 How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong 111 Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 112 Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 113 You - The Weaker Sex 114 Reasons To Give Flowers 115 How To Stay Awake After Sex 116 Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom 117 Garbage - Getting It To the Curb 118 SEX 118A-You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try SEX 118B - The Morning Dilemma - If you're Awake, Take a Shower ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:semen3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lsemen3^ 119 The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonomous 120 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down 121 How To Go Shopping and Not Get Lost 122 The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 123 Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes 124 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 125 You Too Can Be a Designated Driver 126 Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked 127 Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works 128 The Attainable Goal - Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary 129 Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is NOT Necessary 130 Real Men Ask For Directions 131 How To Take Illness Like a Man ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lyears^ ^2^ ^B^ 40 YEARS ^N^ ^1^ A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car nd it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says. ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:years2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lyears2^ After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:years3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lyears3^ Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Llife^ ^2^^B^ Mens Lifestyles Through the Ages ^N^ ^1^ AGE DRINK 17 Beer 25 Beer 35 Vodka 48 Double Vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend 48 My wife is away for the weekend 66 My second wife is dead ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:life2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Llife2^ FAVORITE SPORT 17 Sex 25 Sex 35 Sex 48 Sex 66 Napping DRUG 17 Pot 25 Coke 35 Really Good Coke 48 Power 66 Coke, a Limousine, the Company Jet ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:life3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Llife3^ DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't bump into her kids." 66 "Got home alive." FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 mile high club 35 menage-a-trois 48 taking his company public 66 Swiss maid / Nazi love slave ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:life4="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Llife4^ HOUSE PET 17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish Setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbi WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:life5="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Llife5^ IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Ldate^ ^2^^B^ What Not to Say on a Date ^N^ ^1^ * Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? * When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony. * You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet. * You can trust me, I'm a lawyer. ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:date1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Ldate1^ * No, really, I read Playboy for the articles. * My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison. * Who can blame Woody Allen? * I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer. * If I was a woman, I'd have Rush Limbaugh's baby.. * How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes give you a really cool buzz. ^44-17^^B^MORE^ ^48-17^ ^:date2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^eop^ ^Ldate2^ * Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops? * I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box? * I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups. ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lincomp^ ^2^^B^ COMPUTER HUMOR!!!! ^:red=Techno-Rednecks!^ ^:hel=Lost Helicopter^ ^:heaven=Heavens Gates^ ^N^ ^1^ ^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^