^LTOP^ ^B^^1^ Interpersonal Communication ^N^ ^1^ This hypertext is designed to help the user better understand the intricacies of communicaton.^N^ ^O^^B^ ^:levels="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Levels of Communication ^:women="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Women vs. Men ^:tech="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Techniques ^N^^1^ Return by pressing the "BACK" button. ^eop^ ^Llevels^ ^1^^B^ Levels of Communcation ^N^ ^CR^ There are five levels of communication, increasing in levels of intimacy starting with: 1) ^B^Simple acknowledgment^N^ (often no more than superficial cliches, i.e. What's up?, Hi there, etc.) most appropriate with strangers, acquantances, etc.; 2) ^B^Sharing facts^N^ (only slightly less superficial, used in daily interactions, commerce, etc.); 3) ^B^Stating your opinion^N^ (often reserved for coworkers, family friends, more significant interactions); ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:reveal="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lreveal^ 4) ^B^Expressing your feelings^N^ (usually reserved for friends and family, though too often not achieved); 5) ^B^Revealing your needs^N^ (usually reserved for very close friends, family, significant other, though far too often not achieved). The more frequently that a relationship involves communication at the 4th and 5th levels, the closer and more rewarding the relationship will be. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:verbia="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lverbia^ All verbal communication consists of two parts: ^B^Messages^N^, which are the meaning of the words (what we're saying); and ^B^Metamessages^N^ the body language used, the pitch/tone of voice, and the timing/pause between words (how we're saying it). If the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of what we're communicating are consistent with one another, then we are communicating in a clear and honest manner. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:if="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lif^ If the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of our communication are inconsistent with each other, then we are sending "mixed messages" which are confusing and even dishonest (to ourselves as well as the other person). Both the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of any communication will define the ^B^Frame^N^, or context of the interaction, and the ^B^Footing^N^, or relationship between each person (either equal or hierarchical).^N^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lwomen^ ^1^^B^ Women vs. Men: Differing Styles and Goals ^N^ 1. ^:intim=Intimacy vs. Independence^ 2. ^:expan=Expand vs. Contract^ 3. ^:prob=Problem-talk vs. Problem-solve^ 4. ^:ask=Ask vs. Don't Ask^ 5. ^:rap=Rapport-talk vs. Report-talk^ 6. ^:purs=Purse vs. Wallet^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lintim^ 1. ^B^Intimacy (Interdependence)^N^: women tend to communicate is such a way as to try and connect with others, minimizing their differences. ^B^Independence^N^: men tend to communicate in such a way as to focus on status in a hierarchical way, emphasizing differences between each other, using one-upmanship to dominate or appear better than the other person in some way. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^ ^22-17^ ^:expan="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lexpan^ 2. ^B^Expand^N^: women tend to talk through their problems to come to a point with focus decreasing as stress increases, which often results in men thinking "get to the point" or men getting lost because they assume that the initial topic was the point. ^B^Contract^N^: men tend to think through their problems before stating their point, which often results in women thinking they have made a decision without consideration for the partner's input. Men tend to focus on one primary area at a time; focus increases with stress and can appear as being selfish or self-centered to a woman. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^ ^22-17^ ^:prob="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lprob^ 3. ^B^Problem-talk^N^: women tend to talk about their problems in order to process their feelings, needing someone to just listen. But men tend to try and fix the problem rather than just listen, misinterpreting the talk about problems as them being blamed or that women are complaining. ^B^Problem-solve^N^: men tend to identify a problem and then focus on solving it, often without talking about it which can result in women feeling left out, like their opinion doesn't count. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^ ^22-17^ ^:ask="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lask^ 4. ^B^Ask^N^: women want to be asked about their feelings, their day, etc., and tend to ask others about theirs. ^B^Don't ask^N^: men tend not to want to be asked thinking that to talk bout a problem is to reveal a weakness, will ask for advice only if they "really" need it and will then go to an expert in the field. When given unsolicited advice they think they are being put-down, considered incompetent. When discussing someone's problems, they tend to minimize in order to make the other feel better, compare "war stories", which often results in women feeling that they are not being listened to or that their feelings don't count. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^ ^22-17^ ^:rap="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lrap^ 5. ^B^Rapport talk^N^: women tend to talk in order to relate, interact, etc. What is being said isn't always as important as the interaction itself. ^B^Report talk^N^: men tend to have the view that the purpose of communication is to convey information, not to relate. Thus they often have nothing to say. Women may be frustrated by this lack of interaction, where men may be irritated by the seemingly 'pointless' talk. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^ ^22-17^ ^:purs="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lpurs^ ^B^Purse vs. Wallet^N^: women tend to carry a purse containing a little bit of everything, if they don't need it someone else might; men tend to carry a wallet containing only the bare necessities. Women tend to view all the areas of their life as swirled together, connected, each affecting the other. Men tend to view each thing as separate, one thing does not necessarily affect the other. ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Ltech^ ^1^^B^ Techniques for Improved Communication ^N^ 1. ^B^^:imes=I Messages:^^N^ non-threatening, clear communication at levels 3,4, & 5. 2. ^B^^:act=Active Listening:^^N^ "Ordering at the drive-through window." ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Limes^ ^B^"I" Messages^N^ Clearer communication by letting the other person know: 1) How his or her behavior makes you feel, and 2) That you trust him or her to respect your needs by modifying his or her behavior appropriately. The ^B^"I" message^N^ has five parts: ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:behav="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lbehav^ 1. ^B^Behavior^N^-- This is a non-blaming description of what is unacceptable to you. Put the focus on "I". Example: "When I have to keep dinner heating in the oven..." 2. ^B^Effect^N^-- A concrete consequence of the above behavior strengthens the message: "...dinner becomes dry and is ruined." 3. ^B^Meaning^N^-- An accurate description of what it means to you: "I begin to think I am being taken for granted," 4. ^B^Feelings^N^-- An accurate description of the feelings generated by the behavior: "and I feel angry." ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:form="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lform^ 5. ^B^Request^N^-- A specific and clear expression of what you want the person to do to change he situation and/or to do next time: "I would like an appology and for you to call the next time you are going to be late." An example of the format to practice: "When ..." (describe the behavior as specifically as possible) "Then... " (describe the consequence of the behavior) ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:which="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lwhich^ "Which to me means that..." (describe your interpretation of the behavior and consequence as it relates to you) "And I feel..." (describe how you feel in response to the above) "What I would like is for you to..." (describe what you want the person to do next time, or to do now to rectify the situation) ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:why="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lwhy^ Why are ^B^"I" messages^N^ so effective? Because: they are non-threatening, as opposed to "you" messages which put the other person on the defensive as in "You make me mad, why are you so late?" ; they help the sender move from an external focus to an internal one; they tell the receiver exactly what your perception of the problem is, thus allowing him or her to identify any differences in interpretation of the situation such as those resulting from the different thinking styles of men and women. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^ ^22-17^ ^:act="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lact^ ^B^Active Listening^N^ Have you ever ordered fast food at the drive-through window and gotten the wrong stuff? Isn't this frustrating? To avoid this miscommunication, most drive-through places have their employees repeat the order back until they are sure they have understood what the person wants. ^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^ ^22-17^ ^:this="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^ ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^ ^Lthis^ This is what is referred to as "^B^Active Listening^N^," which can (and should) be used in all relationships in order to improve communication. By repeating what you understand the other person to have said, he or she can either say "yes, you got it" or "no, that's not what I meant" and either repeat it or rephrase it until it is understood. This is important in all relationships, but especially in communication between men and women as we think and interpret things differently. ^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^ ^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^ ^eop^