Created by : Land of Confusion


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How to have fun in K-mart: Part 1
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    We all know of a cheap, cruddy store, located all around the world, called
  K-mart. K-mart is like a toy store, a clothing store, and a house furnishing
  store all in one.  With K-mart,  there is one difference.  K-mart is a store
  which contains all of the above, yes, but the condition that these are in...    Pity..

 Here are a couple humorous things to do in K-mart. Read and enjoy...

 Part 1: How to have fun goin in:
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  K-mart (which I shall nickname K) has the same entrance on almost all of
  their stores.   K has 2 telephones,  sometimes one, and a steel girdered
  entrance as well.


  1) Look around at the people coming out of K. They, most of the time, 
     are not wearing suits, ties, or fancy, elegant dresses. They are 
     wearing cheap, greasy clothing, and ugly hair styles. Most of them 
     are very disgusting.
 
  2) Open the wrong door to walk in, use the door OUT. Someone probably will
     comment if you:

       A) Push a pull door
       B) Pull a push door
       C) Trip someone walking out
    or D) Run off with a cart into the parking lot

  3) Check the phones for money. If you find a dime or quarter, throw it
     in the air and scream "Up for grabs!". It will get a lot of attention.
     Watch a riot while people fight over 25 cents.

  4) Make a call to the operator and say "Attention Operator, there is a blue
     light special in isle 1, get over here before you miss it." Tell the
     operator that this BLS is on Solar Powered Lightbulbs or something
     extremely dumb like that.

 Part 2: Having fun INSIDE K-mart!
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  1) The customer service section:

    When you walk in, there should be a wooden box with 2-4 people inside it,
   the CUSTOMER SERVICE SECTION. Inside this section, the people are supposedly
   trained to handle returns, complaints, and aggrivating customers. These
   people usually only work in K because they have either:

     1) Nothing better to do
     2) Are unemployed veterans of Vietnam
  or 3) Are gay men who will not be hired in a Wendy's because
        they attempted to find out where the beef is.

    Now, in order to aggravate these SPECIALLY trained Service people, go about
   it this way:

     A) Complain that you had film developed there and the photos that were
        developed are not your photos.

     B) Tell them that you bought soup in their awesome cafeteria and that you
        found only one fly in your soup, and that you were hoping for at least
        two.

     C) Tell them your relatives were trampled in a BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL mob, and
        that when you found them, they were muttering, "Attention K-mart
        shoppers, we're dead."


    After you have aggravated these people and disturbed the manager, go on. 


 2) The Automotive section:

    The mechanics in this section are fat, ugly men who stand there with grease
   covered shirts and say something like "Ughm, duh, cun ah hulp yous ?". As
   you may tell by their speech, they probably went to K's education section as
   well. These men and underpaid, underintelligent, and especially, overweight.
   They have the brain of dead penguins. Aggravating them is easy:

     1) Ask them how big their carburetors are.
     2) Say something in another language, or like RAMBO speaks, for that
        matter.
     3) Ask if their shirts have/ever been a fashion style.
  or 4) Say "Hello, what's your name?" Find out if they remember.

     These gentlemen (morons) will:
       A) Throw up
       B) Grunt at you
       C) Tell you to turn off your mouth, and drive to the front desk.

    As you can see, these men are DUMB. If you find a smart one, say:

      1) "Hello, you look like a out-of-style YUPPIE. Were you at Harvard? I
          think I remember that shirt."

      2) Ask about a oil check up. He will wind up saying, "Which car ?".
         Say, "Not a car, your clothes!"

      3) Scream some German words at him like "Guten Morgan, Frau Greasy"
         (Good Morning, Mr. Greasy). If he understands it, and proceeds to
         kill you, go to step A or B.

            A) Scream RAPE
            B) Tell him you think men with whiskers and tattoos are macho

 3) The bathroom

    1) Go near it, and scream "Someone laid a BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL on the toilet!
       Would anyone care to scrape it off ?"

    2) Push as much liquid soap into the sink as possible, eventually clogging
       the drain. Then drain a little bit, and pour in some water. Proceed to
       take a little to a urinal or toilet, dump it in with some tissues.

    3) Scream "You know its Illegal!"


 4) The Garden section

    1) Remove a few cheap plastic plants, and put them under a hot lamp or on
       top of a grill. Watch it melt.

    2) Rip open the PEAT moss, and believe me, no one will buy that one. (Note:
       They WILL put as much of it as possible in their pockets.)

    3) Pull some flowers out of their pots and make a bouquet for your ripped
       peat moss.

    4) Insult the flowers. People will look at you and say, "Why are you
       talking to that plant ?". You can respond, "I heard that flowers grow
       better if you talk to them or play music to them...so I decided to
       stunt their growth!"

    5) Insult the lady at the desk.

    6) Tell the other people what to buy. They will start a conversation with
       you. DEBATES are FUN with K-Mart's intelligent shoppers!

    7) Get a blue light, wheel it over to the PEAT moss and turn it on. RUN!

 5) The Isles of K-Mart

    1) The food section:
      a) Go in and rearrange the food.
      b) Scream "Blue light special on SPAM!"

    2) The cameras:
      a) Proceed to the desk, tell the lady you want 15 boxes of X brand of
         film. Then, as you are reaching for your wallet, have a friend or
         relative walk in and say, "That's the wrong brand!". Tell the lady
         to put out 15 boxes of another type, and that you'll be back in a
         few minutes. Don't come back and leave the store.

    3) The toys:
      a) Open up packages.
      b) Hide as many toys marked NEW behind other packages, as possible.
      c) Get the BB or pellet guns, throw a package up in the air and shoot
         it...IT WILL RICOCHET!

    4) The Clothes:
      a) Just rearrange them from size to size to confuse "K shoppers"
      b) Make matching/unmatching pairs and LEAVE them hanging

    5) The books:
      a) Turn them upside down
      b) Remove pages
      c) Smuggle porn mags in and put the pics in some childrens book.
         (Best is Sesame Street! Right next to Big Bird!)

    6) The sports:
      a) Pop all balls there
      b) Unstring (scissors) tennis rackets
      c) Put duffle bags away wrong

    7) The Deli:
      a) Leave quickly after ordering an inexpensive drink or food.
      b) Leave napkins or ketchup/mustard/relish/onions all over the table.
      c) Engrave "K-mart Sucks!" on the table.
      d) Fart and Run

    8) Pharmacy:
      a) Ask to buy... well... you know.. REAL DRUGS. If the people there call
         the security, if there is any, run like a mob of K-mart shoppers were
         trying to get to a blue light special before you.

      b) Make a sign that says: "Yes, we have no bananas!" and put it up where
         the counter is.

      c) Tell them that you were the one who poisoned the aspirin and if they,
         again, call the police... proceed to do the same as in step 1 of part
         8.

    9) The Jewelry:
      a) Make unmatching pairs of earrings.
      b) Cut their "$10.00 24K Gold necklaces" into shreds of gold. Then throw
         and scream, "Oh, Lordy Lord! I see the light!"
      c) Cut pearl necklaces and roll pearls down the aisles. Hopefully they
         will get caught in the wheel.


     That's all for part 1. Part 2 is in this text file library as well.

        Courtesy of T