Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish
                                     Written by Sam Simon and John Swartzwelder
                                                      Directed by Wesley Archer
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> Didja notice...
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    ... Homer arrived at work at 3:00pm?  Logic:  Homer arrived at work late,
        complained about the plain donuts, then heard Mr. Burns' announcement
        about the inspection people coming.  The clock on the wall behind Mr.
        Burns reads 3:05pm.

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> Movie References
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  + Citizen Kane
        - Mr. Burns giving a speech with a huge poster of himself
          in the background. {mg, sv}
        - `Is your boss governor yet?' `No, not yet, son.' {sv}
        - YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS! {mg,sv}
        - Mr. Burns overturning furniture.
  + Michael Dukakis' 1988 presidential campaign
        - Burns riding in a tank. {hk}
    It's a Wonderful Life
        - Mary Bailey is the name of Donna Reed's character.

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> Other stuff
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[Robert Robinson]  Names for the common man used by Burns:

    Joe Sixpack [mentioned by journalists and pundits]
    Joe Meatball
    Johnny Lunchpail
    Sally Housecoat
    Eddie Punchclock

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> Quotes
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Reporter: Ah.  So, kids, caught anything?
Lisa:     Not yet, sir.
Reporter: Uh huh.  Uh, what are you using for bait?
Lisa:     My brother's using worms, but I who feel the tranquility
          outweights the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Reporter: I see.  And what's your name, son?
Bart:     I'm Bart Simpson.  Who the hell are you?
Reporter: Heh heh.  I'm Dave Shutton, I'm an investigative reporter who's
          on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk
          that way to our elders.
Bart:     Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
          [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises]
          All right!  We eat tonight!
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole
* Is Power Plant Responsible?
------------------------------------------------
Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms
------------------------------------------------
Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility
------------------------------------------------
-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole?
* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap
------------------------------------------
Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
------------------------------------------
-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge:  Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to step in
        and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
Homer:  [snort] Mary Bailey.  Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find
        better things to do with my time.
Marge:  Like what?
Homer:  Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday
        back as separate paid holidays.  `President's Day' [blows a raspberry]
        What a ripoff!  I bust my butt day in and day out...
Marge:  You're late for work, Homer.
Homer:  So?  Someone'll punch in for me.
Lisa:   Try not to spill anything, Dad.
Bart:   Keep those mutants comin', Homer!
Homer:  [sotto voce] I'll mutant you...
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Okay, men.  Geiger counters on.  [Geiger counters go crazy]
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Homer:  [wakes with a start]  Aa!  [twiddling levers wildly]
        Uh, just resting my eyes!
Burns:  Ah, well-done.  A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Inspector:  Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy,
            deplorable...
Burns:      Oh, look!  Some ... careless person has left thousands and
            thousands of dollars lying here on my ... coffee table.  Uh,
            Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we
            return, the pile of money will be gone.
            [leaves, waits, then returns]
            Ooh.  Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are
            still here.
Inspector:  Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying
            to bribe me.
Burns:      Is there some confusion about this?
            [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets]
            Take it!  Take it!  Take it, you poor schmo!
-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Smithers: [computing how much it'll cost to fix the plant]
        Fifty-six million dollars.
Burns:  Fifty-six million!
Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir.
-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Burns: Running for public office is too expensive for an honest man.
Homer: Well, <you> could afford it.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

%
An election!?  Ah no, isn't that one of those deals where they close the bars?
-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge:  I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
Homer:  Oh, Marge.  What's the big deal?
        I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion,
        you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

%
Advisor: ... and smile, sir!
Burns:   [view from back of head] I <am> smiling!
Advisor: You're going to have to do better than that.
Burns:   [grunt, grunt]
Advisor: There you go!
Burns    [front view, showing very slight grimace]
         Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!
-- Preparing for his campaign advertisement,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Homer:  I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
Marge:  Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.
Homer:  Oh yea?  Well, <I'm> a Burns Booster.
        [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow!
-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Marge's sign:    An Independent Voter for Bailey
Lisa's T-shirt:  I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey.
Bart's T-shirt:  My dad told me to vote for Burns.
Homer's sign:    I'm a fool for Burns.
-- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are
         up six points.
Burns:   Ah, giving me a total of...
Advisor: Six.
-- Burns runs for governor,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state
             are gullible fools.  I, however, prefer to rely on their
             intelligence and good judgement.
Reporter:    Interesting strategy.
-- The gubernatorial campaign,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Bart:   Is your boss governor yet?
Homer:  Not yet, son, not yet.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.
Burns:   Hot dog!
Advisor: But there's a down-side to it.
         The latest polls say you're in danger of losing touch with
         the common man.
Burns:   Oh, dear!  Heaven forfend!
-- Burns runs for governor,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Homer: Oh, by the way, Mr. Burns is eating dinner over here tomorrow night.
Marge: No, he's not.  I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
Homer: Kids, leave the room.  I don't want you to see this.
Bart:  Uh-oh.  [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away]
Homer: [on his knees]  Oh, please please please please please please...
-- The power of persuasion,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime
         tomorrow?
Lisa:    `Mr. Burns:  your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway
          freight train.  Why are you so popular?'
Advisor: Very good.
Lisa:    Mm.  Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage
         my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one
         day render it uninhabitable?
Advisor: No, dear.  The card question'll be fine.
Marge:   Well, I think the non-card question is a valid...
Homer:   Marge! ... Don't worry.  My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure
         she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Bart:  Dear God:  We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
Media: Gasp!
-- Saying grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!  I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
       election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to
       go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''

Homer: Oh.  My dreams will go unfulfilled?  I don't like
       the sound of that one bit.  That means I have nothing
       to hope for.  Marge, make it better please, can't
       you make it better, huh?
Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on
       desert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on
       weekends, no one man can destroy them.
Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up]
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
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Episode summaries Copyright 1991 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the
compilation.)
