
               WELCOME
  Congratulations! You've decided to learn about computers! Now 
you can get even with the millions of computers trying to learn 
about you.
  This book turns you into a computer expert even if you're an 
idiot. In fact, some of the world's most famous computer experts 
have read this book ___ and are idiots!
  This book tells you more about computer than your mom 
recommends. It guides you through the highs and heartaches, 
thrills and chills, as you giggle and gag, frolic and frown.
  The computer industry has called me a ``guru'', showered me 
with tulips, and found this book ``wise''. But some chapters will 
tempt you to call me a ``wiseguy'', yell ``goo-goo'', and shower 
me with tomatoes. At least you won't be bored!
  This is the only book rated ``best'' by ALL popular computer 
magazines. It's the only book that covers all computer topics, 
the only book making even the bumpiest computer topics smooth, 
and the only major book whose author is foolish enough to give 
you his home phone number.

              Phone me
  I'm the author. My home phone number is 617-666-2666.
  It's easy to memorize! After dialing Boston's area code (617), 
dial the phone number for the devil's double: 666-2-666.
  Dial it when you wonder what-the-devil your computer's doing. 
When computers make you ill, dial ``Sick, sick, sick! Too sick, 
sick, sick!'' Follow this poem:
Welcome to your new computer.
I'll be your computer tutor.
Hands on keyboard!
Eyes up front!
Press those keys! Do not grunt!

When you get a bit confused,
Snatch this book and come peruse.
If you still can't find the fix,
Call 666-2666.
  Call whenever you have a question about computers ___ or life! 
I'll help you, free, even if your question is weird or personal. 
This free consulting service has saved readers many kilohours and 
kilobucks.
  Call day or night, 24 hours: I'm almost always in, and I sleep 
just lightly. Because of the midnight phone calls, I'm not 
married ___ except to the computers I've fallen in love with.
  So for free help, phone. (Don't write.) Begin by saying your 
name, city, how you got my number (``from the 19th edition''), 
and a one-sentence summary of your question. Then we'll have a 
pleasant chat ___ unless I'm in the middle of another call or 
meeting, in which I'll call you back free.
  Each month, I answer thousands of calls personally. I try to 
help all callers somehow. I'll give you my best help if you have 
the current edition of this book, you have the official manual 
for any program you want help with, and you've put the phone near 
any ill computer you want cured.

             Come visit
  Whenever you visit the Boston area, you can drop in, say hi, 
use my free library, and wave at my 50 computers.
  Drop in anytime: day or night! But in case I'm having an orgy 
with my computers, please phone first to pick a time when we're 
cooled down. I'll reveal the Secret Path to our pad (just a 
5-minute walk from the Porter Square stop on Boston's subway).
                                                  Mail the coupon
                                         Mail us the coupon on 
this book's last page. It puts you on our mailing list, which 
gets you FREE info on our many wild services. You also get 
discounts on extra copies of this book.

                                                Love your librarian
                                         These details will help 
your librarian fill in the file cards and not get fired.
Title:                                           The Secret Guide 
to Computers, 19th edition
So-called author:                                Russ Walter 
(also known as ``Russy-poo'')
Publisher:                                       the same servant 
as the author
Address:                                         bedroom at 22 
Ashland St., Somerville MA 02144
Copywrong:                                       1994 by Russ 
Walter
International Standard Book Number (ISBN): 0-939151-19-7
Library of Congress: numbers pending; earlier edition 89-51851, 
QA 76 .W3

                                                    Elfish fun
                                         This book was 
constructed by elves and associated critters, aiming to make your 
life elful instead of awful.
Grand elves:                                         Yvonne 
Bohemier                                                       
Lisbeth Shaw
Elfettes:                                            Kira 
BarnumMaura Cabral
Friendly ghosts:                                     Cathy 
Carlson                                                        
Heather Hill
Sorcerer's apprentices:                              Linda 
Gardner                                                        
Liz Card
Meadow sprites:                                      Irene 
VassosRichard Grant
Wandering minstrels:                                 Larry 
Mancini                                                        
Jeff Lowe
Artistes bizarre:                                    Cindy 
BestSusan Goldenberg
Bubbly brights:                                      Anthony 
KindNancy Kafka
Gigantic alien brains:                               Adam 
GreenRoy Krantz
Friends of the Shah:                                 Michael 
Krigsman                                                       
Celena Sun
Queens from bygone days:                             Priscilla 
Grogan                                                         
Julianne Wattles
Cantabrigian consorts:                               Ken 
RussellNaava Frank
Mischievous muses:                                   Lili 
TimmonsShannon Linville
Brothers grin:                                       Dan 
WalterJim Walter
Women who wonder:                                    Ruth 
Spingarn                                                       
Donna Liao
Printer devils:                                      John Pow  
Semline
Art collectors:                                      Dover     
Formatt
Gnome (and is an island unto himself):                         
Russy-poo

                                                 Introductory junk
                                         My editor told me to put 
this stuff in. You don't have to read it.
                                         Dedication I dedicate 
this book to the computer, without whom I'd be unemployed.
                                         What this book will do 
for you Tt'll make you even richer than the author! Alas, he's 
broke.
                                         Prerequisite This book 
was written for idiots. To see whether you can get through the 
math, take this test: count to ten but (here's the catch!) 
without looking at your fingers.
                                         Acknowledgment I'd like 
to thank . . . 
my many friends (whose names I've gladly forgotten);
my students (who naturally aren't my friends);
my word processor (which has a mind of its own);
all others who helped make this book impossible.
                                         Apology Any original 
ideas in this book are errors.
                                         Disclaimer The author 
denies any knowledge of the scintillating illegal activities he 
depicts.
                                         Copyright Our copyright 
policy is simple: hey, copying is all right! Make as many copies 
as you like, and don't pay us a cent. Just follow the ``free 
reprint'' instructions on page 9.
                                         Forward  . . . because 
it's too late to turn back.

         WHAT'S IN THIS BOOK
  The Secret Guide to Computers is the world's only complete 
computer tutorial: it covers everything important about 
computers!
  Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed 
across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 8 
parts of computer lore: ``Buyer's guide'', ``Operating systems'', 
``Word processing'', ``Databases'', ``Spreadsheets'', ``Wild 
applications'', ``Programming'', and ``Endnotes''.

            Buyer's guide
  The Guide begins by explaining computer technology, computer 
jargon, and how to buy a great computer cheaply.
  It analyzes each of the computer's parts (the chips, disks, 
screens, printers, other hardware, and software) and tells you 
the best way to buy a complete computer system. It explains how 
to buy the most common kind of computers (IBM-compatibles), the 
fascinating competitors from Apple, and alternative computers 
that are wildly different.
  The Guide makes specific recommendations about which brands to 
buy and where to buy them. It delves into each manufacturer's 
goodies and not-so-goodies. It reveals the nasty details that 
salespeople try to hide. It turns you into a German nun, who 
knows the difference between what's blessed and what's wurst.

          Operating systems
  After getting a computer, you operate it by typing commands on 
its keyboard or wiggling its mouse. The Guide explains the 
popular operating systems: MS-DOS (used by IBM), the Mac system 
(used by the Apple Macintosh), and Windows (which makes IBM 
imitate a Macintosh).

           Word processing
  The most popular thing to do with a computer is to make it 
replace your typewriter. That's called ``word processing''. The 
word-processing chapter explains how to use the fanciest 
word-processing programs: Ami Pro (which is hassle-free), 
Microsoft Word (which performs many nifty tricks), and Word 
Perfect (the old classic still used by most businesses).

              Databases
  Instead of using file cards, put databases on the computer! The 
Guide explains how to use the easiest wonderful database program 
(Q&A) and analyzes advanced databases that are harder.

            Spreadsheets
  Tables of numbers are called spreadsheets. The Guide explains 
how to use the fanciest spreadsheet program: Excel. It also 
explains how to use competitors (1-2-3 & Quattro), which cost 
less to run.

          Wild applications
  The Guide lets you have wild fun and explore frontiers that are 
wildly challenging. You learn how to make the computer handle 
graphics, desktop publishing, sound, multimedia, communication 
(with the help of telephones and networking), accounting 
(incredibly difficult to do right!),
personal programs (everything from lovemaking to therapy!), games 
(I confess that they're the real reason why most of us buy 
computers), and artificial intelligence (the attempt to make the 
computer become human).

                                                    Programming
                                         Our world is split into 
three classes of people:
avoiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them)
users (who use computers but don't really understand them)
programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new 
tricks)
The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it turns 
you into a sophisticated programmer.
                                         Since the Guide's 
explanation of ``BASIC'' expands your understanding of computers 
so dramatically, don't wait! Start reading it the same day you 
start ``Databases'' ___ as if you were taking two courses 
simultaneously.
                                         To program the computer, 
you feed it instructions written in a computer language. The 
Guide explains all the popular computer languages.
                                         It begins with the 
easiest popular language (BASIC).
                                         Then it explains DBASE 
(the fanciest language for handling databases). It even covers 
the hot, new, improved versions of DBASE (such as DBASE 4 and Fox 
Pro).
                                         Many colleges require 
freshmen to learn PASCAL. The Guide explains it, and even 
PASCAL's new Turbo versions.
                                         All modern programs for 
word processing, databases, and spreadsheets were created by 
using ``C''. The Guide explains Turbo C, Quick C, Microsoft C, 
and competitors.
                                         Many elementary schools 
require their students to learn how to program in LOGO, a 
language that makes turtles dance across the computer's screen. 
The Guide explains 12 versions of LOGO.
                                         In the ``good old 
days'', when programmers were treated like gods, the most popular 
computer languages were FORTRAN (for scientists) and COBOL (for 
businesses). Though they're called ``the languages for old 
fogeys'' now, many big computers still thrive on them ___ and so 
do many careers! The Guide covers a semester's course in each.
                                         A gigantic chapter 
analyzes 23 strange tongues and divides those computer languages 
into three categories.
mainstream languages: FORTRAN, ALGOL, COBOL, BASIC, PL/I, PASCAL, 
MODULA, C, ADA, DBASE, EASY

radical languages: LISP, SNOBOL, APL, LOGO, FORTH, PILOT

specialized languages: APT, DYNAMO, GPSS, RPG, SPSS, PROLOG
The chapter tutors you in all of them. It even includes a 
multilingual dictionary that helps you translate programs to 
different computer languages.
                                         To top it all off, you 
learn how to program by using the most common assembler for the 
IBM PC and translate your programs to the Macintosh and other 
computers.

                                                     Endnotes
                                         I hate to admit it, but 
occasionally computers break! The chapter on repairs explains how 
to fix them.
                                         We members of the 
computer industry all have skeletons in our closet. The Guide 
digs up our past and counsels you about how to improve your 
career and your future.
                                         You also get an 
explanation of numerical analysis, an index to the entire Guide, 
and coupons for getting more goodies! Wow!

                               TABLE OF CONTENTS
Buyer's guide10

Chips
   Chip technology22
   CPU      23
   Memory chips28

Disks
   Fundamentals32
   Floppy disks32
   Hard disks36
   CD-ROMs  39

Screens
   What's a screen?41
   Televisions41
   Monitors 42
   Video terminals43
   Liquid crystals43

Printers
   Fundamentals44
   Dot-matrix printers45
   Ink-jet printers47
   Laser printers48
   Best buys49
   Printer technology50

Other hardware
   Keyboards53
   Graphics-input devices54
   Speakers 55
   Modems   55
   Tapes    57
   Cases    58
   Surge suppressors58

Software
   Kinds of software59
   Operating systems59
   Languages60
   Programs 60
   Data     62
   Software companies63
   Buying software64

IBM-compatibles
   IBM technology66
   How clones are priced70
   Famous clones72

Apple
   Original Apple81
   Apple 2  81
   Luxurious Apples83
   Macs     84
   Newton   88
   Who runs Apple?88

Alternative computers
   Commodore89
   Tandy    92
   Atari    94
Operating systems           95

MS-DOS
   Get into DOS             98
   Simple commands         102
   External commands       108
   Edit your disks         112
   Batch files             116
   Boot                    117
   Special keys            124
   Print on paper          126
   Analyze the computer    127
   Tricks                  129
   Copy & protect well     131

Mac system
   Start your Mac          136
   Use the mouse           137
   Pull down a menu        138
   Explode an icon         140
   Run Teachtext           141
   Advanced features       143

Windows
   Starting                148
   Accessories             151
   Main window             157


Word processing            159

Ami Pro
   Starting                162
   Frames                  165
   Vocabulary              166
   Finish                  166

Microsoft Word
   Starting                167
   Ribbon                  169
   Advanced editing        170
   File menu               171

Q&A Write
   Starting                172
   Function keys           175
   Blocks                  176
   Final steps             177
   Page layout             178
   Vocabulary              180
   Advanced tricks         181

Word Perfect
   Starting                183
   Function keys           186
   Ending                  188
   Tricky spacing          190
   Fancy characters        193
   Search for words        196
   Automatic typing        198
   Advanced tricks         202


Databases                  206

Q&A File
   Starting                208
   Design file             209
   Add data                210
   Search/update           211
   Print                   213
   Mass moves              215
   Customize               216

Advanced databases
   Relational databases    219
   Windows wars            219
Spreadsheets                               220

Excel
   Starting                                222
   Hop far                                 225
   Adjust rows&columns                     226
   Move                                    228
   Copy                                    228
   After you've finished                   229
   Beautify your cells                     231
   Sort                                    233
   Chart                                   234

1-2-3 & Quattro
   Starting                                235
   Major editing                           239
   Column width                            241
   Final steps                             242
   Advanced views                          244


Wild applications                          248

Graphics
   Deluxe Paint                            249
   Exotic graphics                         255
   Classic art                             257
   3-D drawing                             265

Desktop publishing
   What to buy                             266
   Print Shop                              267
   Certificate Maker                       268

Sound
   Speech                                  269
   Music                                   270

Multimedia
   What's multimedia?                      271
   Tools                                   271

Communication
   Telecommunication                       272
   Local-area networks                     276
   Ways to share                           278

Accounting
   General accounting                      279
   Specialized accounting                  282

Personal programs
   Analyze yourself                        283
   Fall in love                            288
   Replace people                          291
   Be poetic                               295
   Analyze writing                         300
   Translate Russian                       301

Games
   Board games                             302
   Action games                            306
   Adventure games                         307

Artificial intelligence
   Natural vs. artificial                  310
   Early dreamers                          310
   Understand English                      313
   Surveying the field                     316

Programming                                                 320

BASIC
   Fun                                                      322
   Using variables                                          338
   Helpful hints                                            364
   Pretty output                                            368
   Subs                                                     376
   Fancy calcs                                              384
   Style                                                    398
   Weird features                                           406
   Versions of BASIC                                        422

DBASE
   Get comfortable                                          450
   Create a data file                                       452
   See your data                                            453
   Revise your data                                         456
   Switch files                                             458
   Index files                                              459
   Programs                                                 460
   Control the flow                                         463

PASCAL
   Fun                                                      466
   Math                                                     469
   Simple variables                                         470
   IF                                                       471
   Loops                                                    472
   Logic tricks                                             473
   Advanced variables                                       475

``C''
   Fun                                                      476
   Math                                                     479
   Numeric variables                                        480
   Character variables                                      482
   Logic                                                    484

LOGO
   Turtle graphics                                          486
   Math                                                     489
   Structures                                               490
   Programs                                                 492
   Workspace                                                495

FORTRAN
   Fun                                                      496
   Math                                                     499
   Pleasant I/O                                             503
   Logic                                                    505
   Lists                                                    507
   Functions                                                511
   Exotic features                                          513

COBOL
   Fun                                                      518
   Variables                                                521
   Logic                                                    526
   Data files                                               529
   Advanced structures                                      534
   Extra comments                                           539

Strange tongues
   Charts                                                   540
   Mainstream languages                                     542
   Radicals                                                 555
   Specialists                                              563

Assembler
   Number systems                                           572
   Character codes                                          574
   SEXY assembler                                           575
   DEBUG                                                    580
   Inside the CPU                                           584
   8088 details                                             588

Endnotes                                                                    590

Repairs
   Reduce your risks                                                        591
   General principles                                                       593
   Booting problems                                                         594
   Keyboard problems                                                        596
   Printer problems                                                         597
   Insufficient memory                                                      599

Our past
   Ancient history                                                          600
   Micro history                                                            604
   Cycles                                                                   606

Your future
   Become an expert                                                         608
   Land a computer job                                                      609
   Set your rates                                                           610
   Develop your career                                                      611
   Computerize home                                                         615
   Teach your kids                                                          616
   Avoid dangers                                                            619
   Read good books                                                          621
   Share our knowledge                                                      623

Numerical analysis
   Errors                                                                   624
   Estimates                                                                625
   Solve equations                                                          626

Index
   Vendor phone book                                                        628
   Menus & icons                                                            629
   Languages                                                                630
   Master index A-Z                                                         632

Coupons
   Coupon for friends                                                       638
   Coupon for you                                                           639

        PRAISED BY REVIEWERS
  If you like this book, you're not alone.

    Praised by computer magazines
  All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter ``Boston's 
computer guru'' and praise him for giving free consulting even in 
the middle of the night. Here's how they evaluate The Secret 
Guide to Computers. . . . 
  PC World: ``Russ Walter is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, the 
user's champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, and 
entertaining job of teaching PC technology. His incomparable 
Guide receives nothing but praise for its scope, wit, and 
enormous practicality. It offers a generous compendium of 
industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, foolproof 
tutorials. It's a wonderful bargain.''
  Byte: ``The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand 
computers and haven't had much luck at it, or have to teach other 
people about computers, or just want to read a good book about 
computers, get the Guide.''
  Computer Currents: ``Your computer literacy quotient will 
always come up short unless you know something about Russ Walter. 
He's a folk hero. He knows virtually everything about personal 
computers and makes learning about computers fun. If you've given 
up in disgust and dismay at reading other computer books, get the 
Guide. It should be next to every PC in the country. PC vendors 
would do themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a 
copy of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The 
Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.''
  PC Magazine: ``The Guide explains the computer industry, 
hardware, languages, operating systems, and applications in a 
knowledgeable and amusing fashion. It includes Russ Walter's 
unbiased view of the successes and failures of various companies, 
replete with inside gossip. By working your way through it, 
you'll know more than many who make their living with PCs. 
Whether novice or expert, you'll learn from the Guide and have a 
good time doing so. No other computer book is a better value.''
  Abacus: ``Alternative-culture Walter provides the best current 
treatment of programming languages. It's irreverent, reminiscent 
of the underground books of the 1960's. It's simple to read, 
fast-paced, surprisingly complete, full of locker-room computer 
gossip, and loaded with examples.''
  Infoworld: ``Russ Walter is recognized and respected in many 
parts of the country as a knowledgeable and effective instructor. 
His Guide is readable, outrageous, and includes a wealth of 
information.''
  Mac User: ``It's an everything-under-one-roof computer 
technology guide.''
  Computerworld: ``The Guide by unconventional computer guru Russ 
Walter is informative and entertaining.''
  Computer Shopper: ``The Guide covers the entire spectrum. It's 
incredibly informative and amusing.''
  Home Office Computing: ``Russ Walter is a computer missionary 
who's a success story.''
  Classroom Computer Learning: ``Russ Walter's courses are 
intensive and inexpensive.''
  Compute: ``Russ Walter is an industry leader.''
                                         Praised by the classics 
Earlier editions of the Guide were praised by all the classic 
computer magazines.
Popular Computing: ``Russ Walter is king of the East Coast 
computer cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in 
computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to 
replace Andy Rooney with a `60 Minutes' computer pundit, they'd 
need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry Walterian 
observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is 
the first collection of computer writings that one might dare 
call literature.''

Personal Computing: ``The Guide is bulging with information. 
You'll enjoy it. Russ Walter's approach to text-writing sets a 
new style that other authors might do well to follow. It's 
readable, instructive, and downright entertaining. If more 
college texts were written in the Russ Walter style, more college 
students would reach their commencement day.''

Creative Computing: ``The Guide is fascinating, easy to 
understand, an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We 
especially endorse it.''

Cider Press: ``The Guide should be given to all beginners with 
the purchase of their computers.''

Softalk: ``The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred 
cows. It's long been a cult hit.''

Computer Bargain Info: ``The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts 
as brilliant.''

Eighty Micro: ``Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.''

Interface Age: ``The Guide is a best buy.''

Enter: ``It's the best book about computer languages.''

Microcomputing: ``Plan ahead; get in on the Secret now.''

                                         Praised by mass-market magazines
                                         Mass-market magazines 
call the Guide amazing.
                                         Scientific American: 
``The Guide is irresistible. Every instruction leads to a useful 
result. Walter's candor shines; he makes clear the faults and 
foibles others ignore or cast in vague hints. The effect is that 
of a private conversation with a well-informed talkative friend 
who knows the inside story. The text reads like the patter of a 
talented midnight disc jockey; it's flip, self-deprecatory, 
randy, and good-humored. His useful frank content and coherent 
style are unique. First-rate advice on what and how to buy are 
part of the rich mix. No room holding a small computer and an 
adult learning to use it is well equipped without the Guide.''
                                         The Whole Earth Catalog 
in its ``Coevolution Quarterly'': ``The personal-computer 
subculture was noted for its fierce honesty in its early years. 
The Guide is one of the few intro books to carry on that 
tradition, and the only introductory survey of equipment that's 
kept up to date. Russ Walter jokes, bitches, enthuses, condemns, 
and charms. The book tells the bald truth in comprehensible 
language.''
                                         Omni: ``Guru Russ Walter 
sympathizes deeply with people facing a system crash at midnight, 
so he broadcasts his home phone number and answers calls by the 
light of his computers, cursors winking. He's considered an 
excellent teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.''
                                         Changing Times: ``Russ 
Walter is a computer whiz whose mission is to educate people 
about computers. Like a doctor, he lets strangers call him in the 
middle of the night for help with diagnosing a sick computer. His 
Guide covers everything you ever wanted to know.''
                                         Esquire: ``The handy 
Guide contains lots of fact and opinion untainted by bias.''
                                         Barron's: ``Russ Walter 
is an expert who answers questions for free and has been 
inundated by calls.''
      Praised by computer clubs
  Computer clubs call the Guide the best computer book, in their 
newsletters, newspapers, and magazines.
  Boston Computer Society: ``The Guide is cleverly graduated, 
outrageous, and funny. Russ Walter turns computerese into plain 
speaking, while making you giggle. He's years ahead of the pack 
that claims to have ways of instructing computer novices. His 
unique mix of zany humor and step-by-step instruction avoids the 
mistakes of manuals that attempt to follow his lead.''
  Western Mass Computer Club: ``Russ Walter is considered one of 
the few true computer gurus. His Guide is the world's best 
tutorial. It's the single best present anyone could receive who 
cares to know more about computers without going crazy.''
  Connecticut Computer Society: ``Russ Walter's books have been 
used by insiders for years. He's special as a teacher because of 
three factors: his comprehensive knowledge of many computers and 
their languages, operating system, and applications; his ability 
to break complicated processes into the smallest components; and 
his humor. A valuable feature of the Guide is his candid comments 
about various computers and software. He's one of the few people 
able to review languages, machines, and software, all in a 
humorous, clear manner, with the whole endeavor set off by his 
sense of industry perspective, history, and culture. If you're 
ever struck with a computer problem, give Russ a call.''
  New York's ``NYPC'': ``The Guide is the perfect text for anyone 
beginning to learn about computers because it contains real info 
in readable form about a range of subjects otherwise requiring a 
whole reference library. It's even better for the experienced 
computer user, since it also contains many, many advanced 
concepts that one person could hardly remember. But one person 
apparently remembered them all: Russ Walter. He's a fountain of 
computer knowledge and can even explain it in words of one 
syllable. His Guide reads like a novel: you can read simply for 
fun. It's recommended to anyone from rank beginner to seasoned 
power user.''
  Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: ``The Guide is the best 
collection of computer help ever written. It includes just about 
everything you'd want to know about computers. You'll find 
answers for all the questions you thought of and some you didn't 
think of. No holds barred, Walter even tells you who in the 
industry made the mistakes and rotten computers, and who seemed 
to succeed in spite of themselves. The Guide is fascinating. It's 
recommended for anyone even slightly interested in computers.''

        Praised by librarians
  Librarians call the Guide the best computer book ever written.
  School Library Journal: ``The Guide is a gold mine of 
information. It's crystal clear, while at the same time Walter 
delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a lot of excellent info. 
It's accessible even to kids, who will love its loony humor. Buy 
it; you'll like it.''
  Wilson Library Bulletin: ``The Guide is distinguished by its 
blend of clarity, organization, and humor. It cuts through the 
techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh explication per page 
than anything else available.''
                                             Praised around the world
                                         The Guide is praised by 
newspapers around the world.
                                         Australia's ``Sydney 
Morning Herald'': ``The Guide is the best computer intro 
published anywhere in the world. It gives a total overview of 
personal computers. It's stimulating, educational, provocative, 
and a damn good read.''
                                         The Australian: ``The 
Guide's coverage of programming is intelligent, urbane, extremely 
funny, and full of great ideas.''
                                         England's ``Manchester 
Guardian'': ``Russ Walter is a welcome relief. The 
internationally renowned computer guru tries to keep 
computerdom's honesty alive. His Guide is an extraordinary source 
of information.''
                                         Silicon Valley's ``Times 
Tribune'': ``The Guide invites you to throw aside all rules of 
conventional texts and plunge into the computer world entirely 
naked and unafraid. This book makes learning not only fun, but 
hilarious, inspiring, and addicting.''
                                         Dallas Times Herald: 
``Easily the best beginners' book seen, it's not just for 
beginners. Its strength is how simple it makes everything, 
without sacrificing what matters.''
                                         Detroit News: ``Russ 
Walter is a legendary teacher. His fiercely honest Guide packs an 
incredible amount of info. It's the only book that includes 
everything. He gives you all the dirt about the companies and 
their hardware, evaluates their business practices, and exposes 
problems they try to hide. Phone him. You'll always get a 
truthful answer.''
                                         Chicago Tribune: ``The 
Guide is the best computer book. It's a cornucopia of computer 
delights written by Russ Walter, a great altruist and dreamer.''
                                         Kentucky's ``Louisville 
Courier'': ``Walter's Guide will teach you more computer 
fundamentals than the thick books in the average bookstore. The 
Guide gives his no-bull insights. He not only discusses computer 
mail-order sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad 
guys. The Guide's biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and 
personality.''
                                         Philadelphia Inquirer: 
``Russ Walter is the Ann Landers for computer klutzes, a 
high-tech hero. His wacky, massive Guide is filled with his 
folksy wit.''
                                         New York Times: ``The 
computer-obsessed will revel in Walter's Guide. He covers just 
about every subject in the microcomputer universe. It's unlikely 
you have a question his book doesn't answer.''
                                         Wall Street Journal: 
``Russ Walter is a computer expert, a guru who doesn't mind phone 
calls. He brings religious-like fervor to the digital world. His 
students are grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He's 
influential.''
                                         Connecticut's ``Hartford 
Courant'': ``If you plan to buy a personal computer, the best 
gift to give yourself is the Guide. It's crammed with info. It 
became an instant success as one of the few microcomputer books 
that was not only understandable and inexpensive but also witty 
___ a combination still too rare today.''
                                         Boston Globe: ``Russ 
Walter is a unique resource, important to beginning and advanced 
users. His Guide is practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.''
                                         Boston Phoenix: ``Russ 
Walter has achieved international cult status. He knows his 
stuff, and his comprehensive Guide is a great deal.''

              FAN MAIL
  From our readers, we've received thousands of letters and phone 
calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples.

             Intoxicated
  Our books make readers go nuts.
  Get high ``I'm high! Not on marijuana, crack, or cocaine, but 
on what I did at my computer with BASIC and your Guide.'' 
(Beverly, Massachusetts)
  Strange laughs ``I enjoy the Guide immensely! My fellow workers 
think I'm strange because of all my laughing while reading it. 
Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the Guide. It's very 
refreshing!'' (Acton, Massachusetts)
  Poo-poo ``I finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit down 
and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am not, crazy I was 
not, until I started 18 months ago with this computer and then 
came poo who sealed my lot.'' (Hinesville, Georgia)
  Computer dreams ``Wow ___ I loved your book. My husband says I 
talk about computers in my sleep.'' (Los Altos Hills, California)
  Bedtime story ``The book's next to the bed, where my wife and I 
can see who grabs it first. The loser must find something else to 
do, which often causes serious degradation of reading 
comprehension.'' (Danville, New Hampshire)
  Love in Paris ``If you ever come to Paris, give me a call. I'll 
be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in the computer 
industry.'' (Paris)
  Sex ``Great book. Better than sex.'' (Worcester, Massachusetts)
  Devil ``This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac, 
soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.'' (Chicago)
  God ``I'm a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book lets me 
put it all together.'' (San Diego)
  National TV ``Great! When are you going on national TV? America 
needs you!'' (Berkeley, California)
  National debt ``I think you do a fabulous job with computers! 
You should be in Washington & organize our country, and maybe we 
could be debt-free.'' (Tavares, Florida)

              Beginners
  Even beginners can master the Guide.
  Godsend ``You're a godsend. You saved me from being bamboozled 
by the local computer store.'' (Boston)
  Saint ``You should be canonized for bringing clarity and humor 
to a field often incomprehensible and dull.'' (Houston)
  Companion to the lonely ``Your book's a nice companion when I'm 
alone, because it talks. It answers more questions than I can 
ask.'' (Carson, California)
  Computer disease ``I was scared to go near a computer. I 
thought I might catch something. Now I can't wait.'' (Paterson, 
New Jersey)
  Face-off ``I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer 
in the face. Thanks.'' (San Antonio, Texas)
                                         Amaze the professor ``I 
love the Guide! I've read it before taking a BASIC course, and 
I'm amazing my professor with my secret skills!'' (Olney, 
Illinois)
                                         Walking encyclopedia 
``Your Guide really helps. I work with a great programmer who's 
like a walking computer encyclopedia. Now I know what he's 
saying!'' (San Leandro, California)
                                         Muscle in ``So many 
computer experts speak a language all their own. They look down 
on us and consider us to be outsiders trying to muscle our way 
into their world. Thanks for helping the outsiders.'' (New 
Iberia, Lousiana)
                                         Facing fear ``Thank you! 
I'm 42, married to a computer guru, with two daughters who've 
been in front of a computer since first grade. Finally, I feel 
that I can face my fear and that I'm not alone.'' (Malvern, 
Pennsylvania)
                                         Granny's clammy ``I'm a 
58-year-old grandma. My daughter gave me an IBM PC. After weeks 
of frustration I got your Guide. Now I'm happy as a clam at high 
tide, eager to learn more & more. Wow!'' (Seattle)
                                         Moment of discovery 
``After retiring, I searched for something to stimulate my mind. 
I bought a computer and tried to unravel its mysteries. The more 
I studied big books bought from computer stores, the more 
confused I became. Then I stumbled across the Guide. At that 
precise moment I discovered the beautiful, crazy, wild world of 
the computer! Thanks.'' (Tewksbury, Massachusetts)
                                         Bury the Book of Songs 
``This is the microcomputer book that should be buried in a time 
capsule for future archaeologists. By reading it, I've made my 
computer sing. My wife recognizes the melodies and wants to read 
the book.'' (Park Forest, Illinois)

                                                      Experts
                                         Experts love the Guide.
                                         PC Week reporter ``I 
write for PC Week and think the Guide is the best book of its 
kind. I'm sending a copy to my little brother, who's a budding 
byte-head.'' (Boston)
                                         Editor at Lotus ``Thanks 
so much for sending the Guide. It's great! Seems I'm the only one 
here in my office at Lotus who hadn't heard about it. You've got 
quite a following. Again, thanks!'' (Cambridge, Massachusetts)
                                         Math professor ``I'm a 
math professor. The Guide's the best way in the universe to keep 
up to date with computers. People don't have to read anything 
else ___ it's all there.'' (New York City)
                                         Diehard mainframer ``It 
is really neat! I've been a mainframe computer consultant for 
many years, and when your book came yesterday I couldn't put it 
down.'' (Cleveland Heights, Ohio)
                                         Refreshed programmers 
``I passed the Guide around my team of mainframe programmers, and 
most of them bought. It's so refreshing, after the parched 
dryness of IBM-ese, to find a book in English!'' (Union, New 
Jersey) 
                                         Research center ``Our 
research center uses and misuses gigabytes of computers. The 
Guide will improve our use/misuse ratio.'' (Naperville, Illinois)
               Careers
  The Guide's propelled many careers.
  Land a first job ``Last month, I bought your Guide. I've never 
seen so much info, packed so densely, in so entertaining a read. 
I was just offered a computer job, thanks to a presentation based 
on your Guide. I'm very, very, very happy I bought your book.'' 
(San Francisco)
  Land a top job ``Thanks to the Guide, I got an excellent job 
guiding the selection of computers in a department of over 250 
users!'' (New York City)
  Found Wall Street ``Eight years ago, I took your intro 
programming course. Now I run the computer department of a Wall 
Street brokerage firm. I'm responsible for 30 people and millions 
of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide's always been my 
foremost reference. Thank you for the key to wonderful new 
worlds.'' (Long Beach, New York)
  Consultant's dream ``Inspired by your book, your love for 
computers, and your burning desire to show the world that 
computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the computer 
field. Now I'm a computer consultant. Your ideas come from the 
heart. Thanks for following your dream.'' (Skokie, Illinois)
  Kid who grew up ``Years ago, I saw you sell books while wearing 
a wizard's cap. I bought a book and was as impressed as a 
16-year-old could be. Now I've earned B.A.'s in Computer Science 
and English, and I'm contemplating teaching computers to high 
school students. I can think of no better way to plan a course 
outline than around your Guide.'' (Pennington, New Jersey)

       Better late than never
  Readers wish they'd found the Guide sooner.
  1 year ``I learned more from the Guide than from a year in the 
computer industry.'' (Redwood City, California)
  5 years ``I've fumbled for 5 years with computers and many 
books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I found 
your Guide. It's the first book that showed a light at the end of 
the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.'' (Boise)
  17 years ``Though in a computer company for 17 years, I didn't 
learn anything about computers until I began reading the Guide. I 
love it! I always thought computer people were generically 
boring, but your book's changed my mind.'' (Hopkinton, 
Massachusetts)
  Prince Charming arrives ``Where have you been all my life? I 
wish I'd heard of your Guide long ago. I'd have made far fewer 
mistakes if it had been here alongside my computer.'' (White 
Stone, Virginia)
  Hack a Mac ``Great book. I'm 14 and always wanted to hack. 
Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and look forward 
to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest, funniest book on 
computers I've seen. I'm finally going to teach my parents BASIC. 
If I'd started out with the Guide, I'd have saved five years of 
fooling around in the dark.'' (Northport, Alabama)
                                                    Pass-alongs
                                         Readers pass the Guide 
to their friends.
                                         Round the office ``Send 
150 books. I passed my Guide around the office, and just about 
everyone who saw it wants copies.'' (Middleburg Heights, Ohio)
                                         Coordinating the 
coordinators ``Your book is amazing! I'm telling the other 50 PC 
coordinators in my company to be sure they're in on the secret. 
Bless you for your magnanimous philosophy!'' (Morristown, New 
Jersey)
                                         Hide your secrets ``I 
thought the Guide marvelous and proudly displayed it on my desk. 
A friend from South Africa saw it and said our friendship 
depended on letting her take it home with her. What could I do? 
You've gone international. I'm ordering another copy. Should I 
hide the book this time?'' (Cinnaminson, New Jersey)
                                         Cries and anger ``I made 
the mistake of letting several friends borrow my copy of the 
Guide. Each time I tried getting it back, it was a battle. (I 
hate to see grown people cry.) I promised to order them copies of 
their own. I delayed several months, and now I've got an angry 
mob outside my door. While you process my order, I'll try 
pacifying them by reading aloud.'' (Winston-Salem, North 
Carolina)
                                         Round the house ``Dad 
bought your Guide to help him understand my computer. It's become 
the most widely read book in our house. We love it!'' (Boca 
Raton, Florida)
                                         Squabble with Dad ``I 
love the Guide. Dad & I squabble over our only copy. Send a 
second so I can finish the Guide in peace.'' (New York City)
                                         Change my brother ``The 
Guide changed my computer scorn & fear to interest. Send my 
brother a copy, to effect the same transformation.'' (New York 
City)
                                         Selling clones ``I took 
the Guide to a meeting and used your words as a reason why the 
group should buy an IBM PC clone instead of the other computer 
they were looking at. It worked.'' (Sparks, Nevada)
                                         Make your guru giggle 
``I showed the Guide to my guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and 
guffaws, he agreed to use it to teach his high-school computer 
class. He even admitted he'd learned something, and that's the 
most unheard of thing I ever heard of.'' (Arivaca, Arizona)
                                         Smarter sales reps ``Our 
company just released its first software product, and our sales 
reps are panic-stricken. I'm giving them the Guide to increase 
their computer background. Thanks for a super book.'' 
(Pittsburgh)
                                         Advancing secretary 
``I'm ordering an extra copy for my secretary, to start her on 
the path to a higher paying and better regarded position.'' 
(Belleville, Illinois)

                                          Compared with other publishers
                                         The Guide's better than 
any other book.
                                         Better than 10 ``I 
learned more from your Guide than from a total of 10 books read 
previously.'' (Honolulu)
                                         No big bucks ``Your book 
is great! Its crazy style really keeps the pages turning. I 
appreciate someone who doesn't try to make big bucks off someone 
trying to learn. Thanks.'' (Vancouver, Washington)
                                         Rip-off ``If you can 
break even at your book's low price, lots of guys are ripping us 
off.'' (Choctaw, Oklahoma)

             WHO ARE WE?
  This section reveals who we are ___ even if you'd rather not 
know.

         Interview with Russ
  In this interview, Russ answers the most popular questions 
about this book and what's behind it.
  Why did you write the Secret Guide? I saw my students spending 
too much effort taking notes, so I made up my own notes to hand 
them. Over the years, my notes got longer, so that the 19th 
edition totals 607 pages. Each time I develop a new edition, I 
try to make it the kind of book I wish I had when I was a 
student.
  What does the Guide cover? Everything. Every computer topic is 
touched on, and the most important topics are covered in depth.
  Who reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it because it's easy; 
computer professionals read it because it contains lots of secret 
tidbits you can't find anywhere else.
  Why do you charge so little? I'm not trying to make a profit. 
I'm just trying to make people happy ___ by charging as little as 
possible, while still covering my expenses. Instead of ``charging 
as much as the market will bear'', I try to ``charge so little 
that the public will cheer''.
  Do you really answer the phone 24 hours a day? When do you 
sleep? When folks call in the middle of the night, I wake up, 
answer their questions, then go back to bed. I'm near the phone 
85% of the time. If you get no answer, I'm out on a brief errand, 
so please call again. If you get an answering machine, I'm out on 
a longer project: just leave your number and I'll call you back 
at my expense, even if it's long distance.
  Why do you give phone help free? Are you a masochist, a saint, 
or a nut? I give the free help for three reasons: I like to be a 
nice guy; it keeps me in touch with my readers, who suggest how 
to improve the Guide further; and the happy callers tell their 
friends about me, so I don't have to spend money on advertising.
  At computer shows, do you really appear as a witch? I wear a 
witch's black hat and red kimono over a monk's habit and roller 
skates, while my white gloves caress an African spear. Why? 
Because it's fun!
  Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes, but I received 
many suggestions from my readers, friends, and staff, who also 
contributed some examples and phrases.
  What's your background? I got degrees in math and education 
from Dartmouth and Harvard, taught at several colleges 
(Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a founding 
editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of my expertise 
comes from spending long hours every day reading computer books 
and magazines, discussing computer questions on the phone, and 
analyzing the philosophy underlying the computer industry.
                                            About the so-called author
                                         Since the author is so 
lifeless, we can keep his bio mercifully short.
                                         Birth of a notion The 
author, Russy-poo, was conceived in 1946. So was the modern 
(``stored-program'') computer.
                                         Nine months later, 
Russy-poo was hatched. The modern computer took a few years 
longer, so Russ got a head start. But the computer quickly caught 
up. Ever since, they've been racing against each other, to see 
who's smartest.
                                         The race is close, 
because Russ and the computer have so much in common. Folks say 
the computer ``acts human'' and say Russ's personality is ``as a 
dead as a computer''.
                                         Junior Jews Russ 
resembles a computer in many ways. For example, both are Jewish.
                                         The father of the modern 
computer was John von Neumann, a Jew of German descent. After 
living in Hungary, he fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. 
mathematician.
                                         The father of Russy-poo 
Walter was Henry Walter, a German Jew who fled the Nazis and 
became a famous U.S. dental salesman. To dentists, he sold teeth, 
dental chairs, and balloons to amuse the kids while their mouths 
were mauled.
                                         The race for brains To 
try beating the computer, Russ got his bachelor's degree in math 
from Dartmouth in yummy '69 and sadly remained a bachelor ever 
since (unless you count the computer he got married to).
                                         After Dartmouth, he got 
an M.A.T. in math education from Harvard. Since he went to 
Harvard, you know he's a genius. Like most genii, he achieved the 
high honor of being a junior-high teacher.
                                         After his classes 
showered him with the Paper Airplane Award, he moved on to teach 
at an exclusive private school for girls who were very exclusive. 
(``Exclusive'' means everyone can come except you.)
                                         After teaching every 
grade from 2 through 12 (he taught the 2nd-grade girls how to run 
the computer, and the 12th graders less intellectual things), he 
fled reality by joining Wesleyan University's math Ph.D. program 
in Connecticut's Middletown (the middle of Nowhere), where after 
18 months of highbrow hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom 
he's now happily married.
                                         Married life After the 
wedding, Russ moved with his electrifying wife to Northeastern 
University in Boston (home of the bean and the cod), where he did 
a hilarious job of teaching in the naughty Department of 
``Graphic Science''. After quitting Northeastern and also 
editorship of Personal Computing, he spends his time now happily 
losing money by publishing this book.
                                         Since his wife was 
lonely, he bought her 40 computers to  keep her company, with 
names such as ``Anita Atari'', ``Aphrodite the Apple'', ``Baby 
Blue Burping Bonnie'', ``Coco the Incredible Clown'', ``Jack the 
Shack'', ``Kooky Casio'', ``Slick Vic'', and ``Terrible Tina with 
her Texas Instruments''. He hid them in a van and drove them 
around the country, where they performed orgies and did a strip 
tease, to show students a thing or two about computer anatomy.
                                         Banned in Boston, Russ 
and his groupies moved north, where they hide in a pleasure 
palace underneath the Porter Square pine tree. Each room in the 
palace has a nickname. Come visit the ``Input Room'' (kitchen), 
bathroom (``Output''), three hi-tech rooms (``Production'', 
``Research'', and ``Creativity''), and four devilish rooms 
(``Sunshine'', ``The Cavern'', ``Pleasure'', and ``Pain'').
  Russ's body Here are Russ's stats, from head to toe: head in 
the clouds, hair departing, brow beaten, eyes glazed, lashes 40, 
nose to the grindstone, mouth off, smile bionic, tongue bitten, 
teeth remembered, cheeks in a royal flush, chin up, shoulders 
burdened, wrists watched, hands some, thumbs up, ring finger 
naked, heart all, back got everyone on it, ass unintentionally, 
buns toasted, knees knocked, heeled well, arches gothic, and toes 
stepped on.
  He wears a stuffed shirt, slick slacks, and sacramental socks 
___ very holy!
  Russ's resum We told Russ to write this book because when he 
handed us the following resum, we knew he was the kind of author 
that publishers dream about: nuts enough to work for free!
  Age: too. Sex: yes! Race: rat. Religion: Reformed Nerd. 
Address: wear pants instead. State: distressed. Father: time. 
Mother: earth. Spouse: Brussels. Occupation: vegetable. Career 
goal: play dead. Hobbies: sleeping and crying. Sports: dodging 
tomatoes. Greatest pleasure: hiding under the sink. Favorite 
food: thought. Humor: less.

          About the company
  What company? C'mon over, bring milk and cookies, and then 
we'll have some helluva company!
  Come visit our Home Office, in Russ's home. It includes our 
Production Department, near or in Russ's bed. Russ gave birth to 
this book himself; nobody else would dare!

          Special services
  We do everything possible to make you happy. . . . 
  Discounts We give you a 20% discount for buying 2 copies of 
this book, 40% for 4 copies, 60% for 60 copies, and 67% for 666 
copies (so you pay just $4.95 per copy). Use the coupon on the 
back page.
  Use your past You're reading the 19th edition. To compute your 
discount, we count how many copies of the 19th edition you've 
ordered from us so far. For example, if you previously ordered 30 
copies of the 19th edition and order 30 more, we say ``Oh, you're 
up to 60 copies now!'' and give you a 60% discount on the second 
order.
  If you got a discount on the 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, or 18th 
edition (because you bought many copies), we'll give you the same 
discount on the 19th even if you're buying just one copy.
  To get a discount based on past orders, mail us the coupon on 
the back page. Next to your name, write your phone number and 
say, ``I'm taking a discount because of past orders.''
                                         Free reprints You may 
copy this book free. Copy as many pages as you like, make lots of 
copies, and don't pay us a cent! Just phone Russ first and say 
which pages you're going to copy. Put this notice at the 
beginning of your reprint:
Most of this material comes from the 19th edition of The Secret 
Guide to Computers, copyright 1994 by Russ Walter and reprinted 
with permission. Get FREE LITERATURE about the complete Guide by 
phoning Russ at 617-666-2666, 24 hours (he's almost always in); 
or send a postcard to him at 22 Ashland Street (Floor 2), 
Somerville, MA 02144-3202.
Then send us a copy of your reprint.
                                         You may give ___ or sell 
___ the reprints to anybody. Go distribute them on paper, on 
disk, or electronically by phone. The Guide's being distributed 
by thousands of teachers, consultants, and stores and translated 
to other languages. Join those folks! Add your own comments, call 
yourself a co-author, and become famous! It's free!
                                         Books on disks Instead 
of books printed on paper, you can request books printed on 
disks. For example, if you're ordering 4 books, you can scribble 
this note on the coupon: ``Send 3 on paper and 1 on disk.'' Say 
which kind of disk you want (360K, 1.2M, 720K, or 1.44M) and 
which format (Word Perfect 5.1 or ASCII).
                                         The disks will help you 
write your own book and develop material to put on a computerized 
bulletin board. The disks include 41 files that total about 3 
megabytes.
                                         If you get books on 
disk, get at least one book on paper since the disks do not 
contain headlines, graphics, special symbols, and printer 
drivers.
                                         An independent company, 
Window Book, has printed the book on hypertext disks, which let 
you bounce to different topics quickly. For details, phone them 
at 617-661-9515.
                                         Preserved classics 
You're reading the 19th edition. We've also reprinted the 11th 
edition, a 750-page mammoth bound in 2 volumes, and offer it for 
just 40 per volume (80 total). It includes extra details about 
the famous old computers and software that became classics. It's 
ideal for schools on tight budgets and for low-cost gifts to your 
friends. For details, ask us to send the free ``classics memo and 
order form''.
                                         Blitz courses Russ gives 
his ``blitz'' course all over the world. Offered several times a 
year, it turns you into a complete computer expert in an 
intensive weekend.
                                         Saturday (from 9AM to 
9PM) covers the first four chapters: buyer's guide, operating 
systems, word processing, and databases. Sunday (9AM to 5PM) 
covers the other four: spreadsheets, wild applications, 
programming, and endnotes.
                                         The entire 20-hour 
course costs just $50. That's just $2.50 per hour! To pay even 
less per person, form a group with your friends. For details, 
phone or use the back page's coupon.
                                         Strange stuff We're 
developing future editions, videotapes, and The Secret Guide to 
Tricky Living. Get on our mailing list by using the coupon on the 
back page. Russ answers questions about life ___ everything from 
sex to skunks. Phone 617-666-2666 anytime!