      CO-DEPENDENCY: BEING ATTACHED TO PROBLEMS AND PROBLEM PEOPLE
                  From PROMISING TIMES - November, 1994

Most public libraries have 50 or more books on co-dependency.  It is a
word that psychologist say is often misunderstood and misused.  In
providing health care, we can be aided by having a basic understanding of
what co-dependency is - and isn't.  A client or patient may say that
part of his of her health problem is co-dependency.  What they usually
mean is that an unhappy relationship is causing them problems not of
their own making.  We may hear a friend or co-worker described as
co-dependent--usually meaning that their need to be needed on the job
makes them workaholics.  We hope that this issue of Promising Times will
lead to a lively discussion of what it means to be a healthy, rather
than co-dependent, spouse, parent, friend, co-worker or caretaker.  In
our personal and working lives, good relationships should not require us
to give up all our self-esteem, resources or health to please or help
someone else.

                          Who is Co-Dependent?

"Co-dependent" originally was used to describe the spouse of an
alcoholic.  Today, the word has come to mean, in simplest terms, someone
who takes personal responsibility for someone else's pain or misconduct.
These are other qualities of a co-dependent person:
- Deeply feels the other person's feelings.
- Takes on others' problems to "fix" them.
- Accepts others' failures as their own.
- Is "loyal" to a problem person, staying on and jeopardizing his or her
  own health and future.
- Doesn't expect to be taken care of by others.
- Is always the one who caretakes.
- Tries to save family of friends from drinking, fighting, drugs.
- Feels deep personal failure if unsuccessful.
- Tends always to get attached to people with problems.

                   Loving Care Is Not Co-Dependency!

Some psychologists point out that "co-dependency" has become a label that
people indiscriminately paste on others.  Not every relative of an
alcoholic is co-dependent.  Not every "people helper" type is a
co-dependent.  Says Dr. Archibald Hart, author of HEALING LIFE'S HIDDEN
ADDICTIONS, "It's not bad to be a caretaker!  To be overly involved in a
needy person's life may at times be unhealthy, but at other times, it
may be a legitimate expression of sacrificial love."  Where does love
end and co-dependency begin?  The author says that co-dependents
restrict themselves with don'ts:
*Don't think of yourself.
*Don't be aware of your feelings.
*Don't have fun. Just do your duty.
Concludes the author, "Co-dependents can't set boundaries.  They can't
be tough when they ought to be tough.  They become people pleasers,
unable to say no to any demand placed on them."  Dr. Hart points out
that the idea is not to change from being co-dependent to being
selfish, but to develop healthier ways of loving others.  He defines
healthy love these ways:
- It sets appropriate boundaries.
- It knows when to detach itself.
- It doesn't cling.
- It doesn't feel helpless or hopeless.
- It lets the object of love be himself or herself.
- It doesn't try to solve problems that aren't its to solve.

                         Co-Dependence at Work

Mary Riley, PhD., worked may years with Xerox Learning Systems to test
and validate ways to motivate workers to increased productivity.  In her
book, CORPORATE HEALING, she reports on a 1989 Gallup poll that says 70%
of Americans get their best satisfaction in life from their work, but
only half of that 70% are satisfied with their current job.  One reason,
the author says, is that many companies have aspects of a dysfunctional
family.  Some workers in such companies may become co-dependent, feeling
themselves to be helpless victims and staying on grimly in work
situations that give them no satisfaction.  Companies where that is
happening are identified these ways:
*The mission statement is not reflected in people's actions.
*People leave work feeling uneasy of unhappy about what went on.
*There are may "workaholics" who come early, stay late, and over-control
what happens in the workplace.
*Once-energizing work has become exhausting.
*People don't look forward to going back to work on Mondays.
The author describes the dysfunctional nature of such a workplace this
way:  "We see person A telling how bad person B is.  B tells of C's
weaknesses.  C reveals D's problems.  D is compulsively irritated by A
-- and back around th circle it goes."

                     Getting Help and Breaking Free

Mild co-dependency can be overcome by self-help and greater awareness.
However, when an individual feels helpless to change things in a
relationship that causes significant problems, it is vital to get help.
Excellent resources include one's family doctor, minister, a professional
counselor, or a specialized, problem-based "twelve-step" group such as
Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, providing support to family and friends of alcohol
and drug users.

                    Sorting It Out: A Group Exercise

Please review the questions and bring your insights to the group
discussion.
1. Were you familiar with the term "co-dependent?"  Do you feel you now
have a better understanding of its meaning?
2. Have there been times in your life when you felt you were in a
co-dependent relationship?
If you can, share some aspects of the experience with the group.  How
did you resolve the problems that arose?
3. We in healthcare are called upon daily to be caretakers for people
with a great variety of problems.  Describe what you feel is a healthy
approach to caretaking on the job.  Describe actions or behavior that
you think go "over the edge" in co-dependency.

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